A Productive Morning

It's been a productive morning. It's not even 10:00, but I've made a batch of sausage balls, shoveled the snow off the driveway, been to the store, and completed a batch of cookies. I've also given Daughter something to think about. I had to call her a couple of times before she got up, and when I hadn't heard anything from her for about 30 minutes, I asked if she was about ready. She went off, telling me I needed to be more patient.
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When she came into the kitchen, her favorite breakfast was waiting for her, as well as one of her favorites from the freezer for lunch. She obviously wasn't happy. As she got ready to leave, I said, "If you're so unhappy here, you don't have to come here." She stopped and just stared at me. She finally said, "Then we'll have to go to court."
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"I'll still be your mom. I still love you."
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"That's not what you're saying."
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"You just seem so unhappy when you come here, I want you to know you don't have to come if you don't want to."
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I don't know what she'll do with that. I suspect her story will be that I'm getting rid of her. Hopefully people will check with me before they jump to conclusions. It will be interesting to see if she calls to apologize tonight or refuses to call because she's mad at me.
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Now my break is over and it's back to the baking. I have Christmas music on, and I'm enjoying the time baking and puttering in the kitchen.

Foiled Again

Daughter came in and saw me making burritos for supper. She announced she couldn't eat them. I just ignored her and continued what I was doing. She started yelling at me to leave her alone and get off her back. I pointed out she was the only one talking. I put her burrito in front of her at the table. She pushed it away. I sat down, said a silent prayer, and began to eat. She decided she'd eat.
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Still seeking a reaction, she told me I needed to take her to the psych unit right away. I asked what was going on, and she informed me that Birth Brother is coming to see her Saturday. She told me Therapist wanted her to call me and tell me right away, but she couldn't. She said he contacted her on facebook. I asked to see the message. She searched high and low, but the only thing she could come up with was a message from him on the 3rd saying hopefully he'd see her some day. She said she must have misunderstood.
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She's now at choir. Tomorrow morning the bus will pick her up at 6:30. Sunday she won't be at the house. I'll pick her up at 7:30 and bring her to the church. After church, we'll grab lunch and I'll take her back. Then I'll go to a party with my colleagues. Her time with me at Christmas is shrinking rapidly....

Blue Christmas

Last night we had a Blue Christmas service. This service is for those who find the holidays difficult for whatever reason. This is the first time I did it here, but I have led them a number of times over the years.
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Daughter called yesterday evening. She had ended up going to program yesterday. She was back on her, "I need a break," mantra. When she found out that the Blue Christmas service was last night, she insisted she always had liked that service and needed to attend. She was not pleased when I refused to go get her for the service. I told her I was looking forward to seeing her tonight for choir.
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I think she is settling in nicely. She is calling less frequently, and is not working as hard to hook me. It looks like she figured out I'm not going to buy into her drama.
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I was supposed to go to a seminar today, but the speaker had to cancel due to illness, so I have received the gift of a day. Administrative Assistant took vacation day today, so I've been dealing with the office. I've had a steady stream of visitors and phone calls this morning. They've been good interruptions. Two men gathered up the toys the congregation donated to deliver them to the appropriate agency. Plans are being made to begin painting the fellowship hall at the beginning of January, and the enthusiasm for the project and its size are growing steadily. The two medical social workers in the congregation are collaborating on a program about issues of aging, and we had to coordinate possible dates and structure of the program. The treasurer and I had an extended conversation about the budget and why I want to change the process for finalizing it. The nursing home where we lead worship once a month delivered a thank you poinsettia. I offered suggestions to a man wanting to strengthen his small group. I've managed to write a one paragraph newsletter article in between the ministry opportunities (none of which were planned).

I'm hoping things will calm down this afternoon so I can get the sermon finalized. I want to spend tomorrow and Saturday on cleaning, decorating, and baking for the open house on the 18th. I don't know if I've said it recently, but I love my life!

Making Decisions

I had two phone calls yesterday evening from Daughter. They were happy calls, which was nice. In the first call, she told me she was going to get to go to jazz night with her home. She was very excited about it. I told her I looked forward to hearing all about it.
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She called when she got back. She was still happy, though she'd been disappointed because jazz night wasn't what she'd expected. She asked for permission not to go to her program today. I started to tell her she had to go, but then I caught myself. "I trust you to make the right decision. I remind you, though, that when you don't go to your program you call me and complain about being bored." She insisted she needed a day off. "I trust you to make the right decision."
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"You don't want me to call you complaining."
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"That's right."
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I had a call a little while ago from the home, checking to see if I'd told Daughter she didn't need to go to her program. I relayed our conversation. She's staying home. I told the staff member to remind Daughter that she said she wouldn't complain. I suspect it will be a long day, but it's not my problem.

Sleep Studies and Daughter's Frustration

I had a sleep study last night to determine pressure for a new cpap machine. I've used my cpap machine faithfully for over 6 years, so I guess it was time for a new one. After being trained on the new one this morning, I suspect the pressure on the old one had dropped over the years. If that's the case, my sleep should improve with the new machine.
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It took two nights at the sleep center to determine that I still need the pressure set at 13. I asked the technician if people commonly needed the same pressure on repeat studies. She said that unless there has been a lot of weight loss or some other change, the pressure rarely changes more than 1. It seems like a pretty expensive way to find out there hasn't been a change. The first night was over $1,000.
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Daughter called yesterday evening. She was mad because there was a man visiting. She told the staff that she was uncomfortable, but they wouldn't make him leave. I informed her that she was going to have to learn to deal with men visiting, and if it made her uncomfortable, she should remove herself from the situation by going to her room or the loft area. She didn't like that, so she informed me she would see me Sunday and hung up on me. She hasn't called today. Her frustration at her inability to hook me has been growing. It will be interesting to see how long it takes for her to call, and if she'll continue trying to hook me. For now, I'm enjoying a break. I suspect she'll end up coming Thursday night for choir, but if she doesn't, that's fine, too.

Let Us Know How that Works out for You

I took Daughter to her program this morning. She was not happy about being there. Program Manager and I were speculating on how long it would be before she called her house to come get her, and how many times they'd do that before they'd catch on. PM sent out an email to the team a little while ago passing on Daughter's request to quit her program and stay home all day with her friends. I pointed out that that was interesting, since Saturday she wanted me to go get her because it is too boring at her house when she doesn't have program. She will change her mind many more times before the team meeting on the 19th.
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It's nice to watch her drama from the outside. Yesterday she kept dropping little tidbits, trying to get a reaction out of me. It didn't work, but she tried. She tried to convince me that the home is messing up her medication and her diet. She made comments about safety related issues. She claimed she was attacked by a staff member. The comments kept getting more outrageous, and I'm sure she was frustrated by my lack of response.
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I'm sure she'll take back some wonderful stories about her time with me to the home. Some of them are beginning to figure her out, others will take longer.

Sunday Snapshots

I was running a little late this morning, and when I went down to get Daughter, she was just getting her meds in preparation for breakfast. I informed her she didn't have time to eat. I grabbed her meds, she grabbed her suitcase and we headed to the church. When we got there she was pouting because I obviously didn't understand that she is a diabetic and needs to eat. I gave her some peanut butter crackers. She threw them across the study. I put them away.
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I have a note book that contains all the liturgy for the day. When the lay leader started reading an introduction, I realized she was reading last week's material. I left to get this week's, and it had vanished. I had printed it out and punched holes in it, I have no idea where it is. I printed out a new set and got back to the sanctuary before she needed the next item. Fortunately, the congregation thought it was funny.
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Daughter was happy and pleasant around the church members, but as soon as we got in the car and headed out to lunch, she was mean again. When we got home, she went in to take a nap. I finally woke her up, telling her we needed to go get the insulin we'd left in the refrigerator at her house, but first I wanted her to do some work in her room. She had dumped a bunch of stuff on the floor. I brought up a box, and began putting clean clothes in it to take back to her house. She told me to get out of her room, she'd made the mess and it was her responsibility. I got out. She started yelling that she couldn't do it alone. I went back in. She kicked me out.
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I got the cable to hook up the DVD/VCR player Sister gave us Thanksgiving. It had been Dad's. In fact, I think I'm the one who bought it for Mom and Dad. We headed back to her house with the box and the cables to hook things up and get her insulin. She was surly until we got there, and then she got all nice and sweet in front of the people at the house.
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When we got back into the car, I called her on the behavior, pointing out she was mean to me when we're alone, but nice when there are other people around.
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For supper I'd prepared some of her favorite foods. She asked for things she knew she couldn't have, and complained about portion sizes.
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We had a Christmas concert at the church tonight, and Daughter was singing in the choir. When we got back to the church, she was cheerful. She came and found me alone and started talking about needing her meter because she thought she was going low. I just looked at her. She stormed off.
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The concert was wonderful. It featured our choir, bell choir, and a brass quintet. There was food following it. Both the choirs did a fantastic job. We have a large percentage of the congregation that is involved in choir. We are blessed with a gifted director.
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After the concert she started being super sweet to me. I started calling her on it, loudly. "You've been mean to me all day, and now you've decided to be nice?" She was embarrassed. I've decided that's what I'm going to tell her she's being mean when she starts pulling this stuff. Will it help? Maybe for a while.
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I am very aware of how exhausting it is to be alone with her. It's torture, listening to her complain about everything. I'm going to minimize time she spends at home until she can start showing me some respect. She's spending the night tonight, and then I'll take her to her program tomorrow morning. She'll go back to her house from there. I won't see her again until Thursday evening.

Suspicious and a Party

Daughter called while I was in a shower getting ready for last night's Christmas party. She reached me after I got out, and demanded to know why I hadn't answered the earlier call.
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"I was in the shower."
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"It's early. Why were you in the shower?"
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"Because I wanted to take a shower."
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"But why were you in the shower?"
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"Aren't I allowed to take a shower?"
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"It's an unusual time for you to take a shower."
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"Aren't I allowed to take a shower at an unusual time?"
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The conversation continued along that vein. She was very suspicious. I wasn't going to tell her I was on my way to a party, because she'd have wanted to go. She doesn't need to know everything I do.
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The party was wonderful. The local college football team had a game last night, so there was a TV on in the sun room. Somehow all the seats in there were quickly filled with men wearing the school's colors. I figured we'd be able to keep track of the game from the noise coming out of there, so I was surprised when I went to check on the game to discover that there had been lots of scoring and the men hadn't reacted. Even worse, the local team was losing. "Why aren't you cheering them on? Maybe if you cheered, they'd do better?" One of them informed me that not only had the TV been muted, they had too. Another pointed out that the team wouldn't be able to hear them. A third speculated on the relationship between cheering and praying. They did begin to get louder, and the women, who were standing in the background watching over their heads, began to plot to take over their seats when they got up at halftime. The host announced the countdown to halftime, much as it is announced in the concession stand. Someone requested that the traditional carol singing take place at halftime. Someone else wondered if it could include the fight song. Several requested that the carols be sung quickly, and only one verse of each. We did sing at halftime, though not the fight song. It was a wonderful evening, and I enjoyed it much more this year, without Daughter trying to convince me she was suffering so much I had to take her home immediately.

A Peaceful Saturday

I slept in today. It was nice. Daughter called. She sounded better this morning. I refused to go get her, of course, but I gave her something to look forward to when we're together tomorrow. She was happy when I said good bye. Kitten seems happier today, too. She's not scratching as much, so it seems the bath helped with her flea problem. Hopefully it will help for a while.
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I went for a walk with one of the members this morning. It was a nice walk, but my feet were cold and wet by the time I got home. The heavy snow took down a number of trees in the park, most of which had not been cleared from the trail yet.
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I'm going to finish the sermon and do some work in the kitchen, and then I'll shower and get ready for a Christmas party this evening. Daughter doesn't know I'm going to a Christmas party this evening. Last year I took her. She made it very difficult for me to enjoy myself. Very difficult. This year I get to enjoy myself. I'm looking forward to it. I have a Christmas party next weekend, too. She won't be going to that one, either. I tried to convince her she didn't want to be here for my open house, but so far that's not working.

Honeymoon's Over

Daughter had a major cussing, screaming blow out at supper tonight. I got a call about it from one of the staff members. She wondered if I'd talk to Daughter when she was willing to talk. I was out to supper at the time, so I told her to have Daughter call me, but to wait an hour. I said it would just aggravate things if she heard me out in a noisy restaurant having fun.
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Daughter tried to tell me she had to do what she did. I told her it wasn't acceptable behavior, and she needed to figure out better ways of dealing with things. She wanted me to come get her, insisting she was either moving home or living on the streets. I finally told her to take the cat Administrative Assistant made her, wrap herself in Grandma's quilt, and put her favorite Christian music on her ipod. I told her the quilt would be like Grandma and me hugging her, the cat would remind her of Kitten, and the music would remind her of God, and all of us loved her.
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I told the staff member to write up what happened, so the team could talk about strategies for dealing with the behaviors. I'm not surprised, and I'm very grateful that I'm no longer the target of these explosions.

They'll Learn

Daughter was in a bad mood when she got to program today. She decided she didn't want to participate in any of the activities, so she called her group home and asked them to come get her. They did. Program Manager said she thought about giving them a head's up, but since Daughter was being mean, she decided they could have her. PM and I figure they'll learn eventually. It's interesting, though, that she's not calling me anymore when she wants to be rescued. For that, I am grateful.
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It's been a busy day. Kitten got a flea bath. She didn't like it, for some reason. I'm I'm hoping the bath and the spray and powder I'm spreading around the house will get rid of the fleas. I received an invitation to go out to eat with some members this evening. I accepted. Tomorrow I'm going for a walk with the woman who used to take Daughter for walks on Saturday mornings. I hear rumors that she has some challenges in her life right now, so I'm hoping her invitation to walk will lead to an opening to talk about he challenges. It's always a challenge to figure out a way to address situations I'm not supposed to know about. I made a trip to the warehouse store today, and got some of the things I need to begin making the specialities people have requested for my open house in 2 weeks. All in all, it's been a good day.

More Joy

I was with colleagues today. One commented that I seemed taller. Another said I just am more joyful. I agree. My devotional reading this week has been focusing on Advent as a time when the church is pregnant, ready to give birth to something new. That has been a helpful image to me. I am giving birth to a new way of life, feeling my way through this on the way to something much fuller and healthier. It's an exciting time, and I'm looking forward to all that the future will bring for Daughter and me. I hope something new is being born in all of you this Advent as well.

No Easing Into It

We certainly didn't ease into winter this year. A couple of men came by and offered to clear my driveway for $15. I took them up on the offer, and after they finished, I headed into the office. I was amazed, because the main road at the corner had not been plowed. It was a mess. The signal lights were plastered with snow, with a little bit of the light showing at the top. If I'd known how bad the road was going to be, I would have stayed home.
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The church parking lot had been plowed-- twice I was told. It seems the company we cancelled after last year is trying to keep the job. One of the reasons we didn't renew with them is that we had heard various stories of unethical dealings by them. One of our men came over and cleared the walks for us. I had been prepared to clear the sidewalk when I got there, as I often did last winter.
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Daughter called several times. The third time she wanted me to come get her because she was bored and needed to get out of there. I refused, of course, and again expressed confidence in her ability to figure things out. I haven't heard from her since.
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It has been a productive week, which is good, since tomorrow I'm off to an all day workshop. Of course, I've figured out Christmas Eve worship but don't have a sermon for this Sunday. Minor details.

Snow

The snow on my picnic table is 13" deep. I went out and measured it this morning. All the area schools are closed. Supposedly at 9:00 things are going to be miraculously better because the temperature will be above freezing. That means the temperature needs to go up at least 7 degrees in the next 20 minutes. Seems unlikely to me. I called Administrative Assistant and instructed her not to try to be in the office by 9:00. She protested a bit, but I pointed out that this is why we work ahead.

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It is a wet, heavy snow, so I really don't want to try to shovel it out of my driveway. I'm hoping that that the weather forecasters are correct and it will melt away quickly this morning. I'm a little skeptical, though. Daughter was cheerful when she called this morning. It was nice to get a happy call from her for a change. I think I'm going to make an effort to make our conversations longer when she's happy and cut them off when she's telling me how terrible life is. It might work, but it will take her a while to figure it out. Cause and effect is not her strong suit, to say the least.

Action

Daughter was supposed to have an appointment with Psychiatrist tomorrow, but it was cancelled. Case Manager sent an email to the entire team, which prompted a series of emails. Daughter complained to Program Manager about how the home was out of one of her mood stabilizers and they have had problems getting her prescriptions in a timely manner. Home Manager complained about the new pharmacy. I chimed in and said I'd gone to the local pharmacy to get a prescription filled over the weekend since the agency pharmacy said my insurance wouldn't cover one of her meds. I said the medication issues were damaging Daughter's sense of safety at her placement.
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Nurse was in on the emails, and was outraged. She marched down the hall to the pharmacy, and informed them of how things would be. When a house orders a medication, it is to be filled and delivered that day. She is going to further investigate, and has promised to get to the bottom of it and see that it doesn't happen again. I believe her.
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On the health front, I had a rough night and morning. Beginning to eat yesterday started up the intestinal misery again. I went into the office today, but I cancelled appointments away from the church, and didn't move around much. Administrative Assistant came to me, I didn't go to her.
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Things are going well at the church. It looks like the results of the stewardship drive will be good. We aren't going to meet the challenge budget, but given the current state of the economy, we are delighted to see a healthy increase in giving, including a number of new pledges. The new board members were at last night's board meeting. They are a good group of people, and I'm looking forward to working with them. Almost all of them are serving on the board for the first time, which is good.
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We were looking for the large manger the church has to put it in the spiritual house we built this fall. A couple of the board members knew exactly where it was this fall, but it has mysteriously vanished. One of them came back and looked some more today, and when he couldn't locate it, he went home and built a new one.
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We have ordered a new phone system. We have one that was used when it was installed a number of years ago. It is not digital, and we can't change the programming on it. It takes forever to get to voice mail on it. The new one will enable us to use caller ID and will have many nice features, including a cordless phone for when we're out of the office doing things elsewhere in the building.
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We will also be adding some insulation before the end of the year, which should solve a problem we've been having with ice dams. This summer we're going to host a traveling day camp run by the church camp Daughter attended last summer. We're very excited about this opportunity to reach out to the children in our community. We have a number of members who mentor children in the elementary school, so we will invite those children and offer them scholarships to attend.
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I came home this afternoon and brought the Christmas tree upstairs. It is up and ready for ornaments. I may add those later this evening, or I may wait until tomorrow. I did the outside decorations on Saturday. Sunday and Monday were lost, but my goal is to do something every day. I'm doing a Christmas open house on December 18th, so I need to begin getting ready for it.

Reports

So yesterday afternoon I got teary call from Daughter. She wasn't doing any of the activities at her program. She wanted out of it. She was going to tell her house to pull her out.
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A few minutes later I got a text from Program Manager: "Your daughter is in excellent spirits."
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Last night I was in a board meeting and she called on my cell phone. I answered, because sometimes it is staff calling, and I need to be available to them. When I heard Daughter, who was quite distressed, I said, "I'm in a meeting and can't talk. Call me after 8:30. I love you." And I hung up.
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A woman on the board commented, "She was very happy when I saw her at the mall this morning."
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A man chimed in, "She was happy when I saw her this afternoon at the bowling alley."
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When I called her back after my meeting, she was asleep. She called this morning. They have run out of another one of her mood stabilizers. I did manage to get her laughing before we hung ended our conversation. I am grateful for all the reports I receive that she is doing well. It makes it easier for me to ignore her drama.

A Lost Day

I lost yesterday. I had a stomach bug. I'll spare you the details. Somehow I made it through worship. I then took Daughter back to her home, driving through to pick her up a hamburger on the way, and then I came home and collapsed on the couch, wrapped in a comforter. I made frequent trips to the bathroom and sipped some water occasionally. Around 7:00 I rallied enough to call a friend and ask her to bring me some ginger ale. She works as a nurse in a doctor's office. She told me there is a stomach bug going around that lasts for several days. That was not good news. Around 10:00 I had a piece of toast and went to bed.
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Sometime yesterday afternoon I had a call from the home. Daughter wanted to go to urgent care. She had a red spot on her back that was itching. I said, "Absolutely not! She's upset because I'm sick. Tell her you're sorry she has a red spot that itches. Tell her I said to wipe it off with an alcohol prep and that will help the itching."
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Daughter called in the evening. She really wanted to be at home taking care of me. All that would have done is added to my stress. When I get sick, it's very hard on her. She panics.
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This morning I'm feeling better. I had some chicken noodle soup for breakfast, and came in a little late. I'll probably go home and take a nap this afternoon, since I have a board meeting tonight. Hopefully by tomorrow I'll be fully recovered.

The Day After

Daughter called early this morning, chipper and apologetic right up until the moment I told her I'd pick her up at 7:30 tomorrow morning for church, but I wouldn't come get her today. She was disappointed.
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I was at the church this morning to help put up the tree and get the decorations out for the hanging of the greens tomorrow. Sister Best Friend and her mom came for lunch to day. I tried a new dish on them. I'm doing Christmas, and since Sister and Short Niece are now gluten and dairy free, some of our traditional Christmas dishes aren't going to work.
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Daughter called about noon, disappointed she'd miss seeing Sister Best Friend, but happy because she'd been to a movie this morning. I am so much more relaxed with Daughter out of the house. It's nice to cook with the pantries unlocked.
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I'll take Daughter out to lunch tomorrow after church tomorrow, and then straight back. I won't have to lock things up again until she spends the night Thursday. I came home last night after dropping her off, and didn't miss her as I thought I would. It was just a huge relief to be alone again.
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Medication

At my first word this morning, Daughter exploded. In one of her rational moments today, she said, "I can't even control myself."
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She has been out of one of her medications for almost a week. It's med that shouldn't be stopped suddenly. She is taking it for seizures, but it is also an add on treatment for bipolar. I looked it up.
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The pharmacy that her home uses says my insurance won't cover it. They've been covering it at the pharmacy at the corner for over a year. I just sent a refill request to the local pharmacy. I'll pick it up in a couple of hours. Daughter was demanding to go back to the home, "where they really care about her." I'm going to honor her request. Of course, now that I'm going to take her back, she doesn't want to go back. I'm taking her back anyway. I have rights, including the right to feel safe in my own home.
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I have a cake in the oven. When it comes out and I think the pharmacy has had enough time to fill the prescription, I'll take her back. She is currently crying quite noisily and dramatically because she doesn't want to go back. I'm not crying yet, but my heart is breaking, and it will be very hard to take her there and leave her without shedding a few tears.

Thanksgiving with Family

We had a wonderful Thanksgiving with Sister, Brother, Sister-in-law, Baby Nephew, and Brother's in-laws. Baby Nephew is the happiest, most easy-going baby I think I've ever met. He hadn't seen me in 2 months, but he smiled and reached out to me when we arrive, and then snuggled into hug me. He is 8 months old now, and wants to walk. He will hold tight to your fingers and walk all over the house. He also loves music and dancing. He brought much joy to all of us.
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The food was fantastic. Brother is a great cook. Sister was happy to get a text from her ex saying Short Niece wanted to go home that evening, so we took our pie to go so we could be back to Sister's by 8:00. That gave us the bonus of an opportunity to see Short Niece, who will be 7 later this month. She was very excited to see us, and was climbing all over Daughter.
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We got home about 10:00 last night. Daughter was furious because I hadn't made her bed. I told her I wasn't the one who wet it, so I wasn't going to be the one to make it. She yelled and threatened, then made it without the mattress protector. I informed her that wasn't acceptable. More yelling and threats, and then she tore the bed about and asked if I'd please help her put the mattress protectors back on. I did.
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I wasn't surprised that she wet the bed again last night. She doesn't wet the bed at the group home, of course. She saves that for me. When she came out this morning I was in the process of making her favorite breakfast: sausage gravy and biscuits. I asked if she'd wet the bed, and she acknowledged she had. I said, "Get your linens in the washing machine." That set her off. "I wish people would get off me about my bed wetting!"
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She apologized, but if she continues like this, she'll be going back before Sunday. I've had to lock everything up again. I like the peace and the freedom of life with her at the group home.

Another Medication Issue and Thanksgiving

Daughter called several times yesterday. She wanted to come home immediately. She was definitely on edge. The last time she called, she said she'd just exploded and was afraid she was going to explode again. I asked if she still had her patch on. She got mad and told me she didn't know and couldn't tell. I asked her to give the phone to a staff member.
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The staff member was very apologetic, saying she didn't know what had set her off. I told her I didn't think this was about anything that happened and asked her to check Daughter's back for a patch. She did and there wasn't a patch. I told her to get a new one on her and wished her luck. I think that staff member will remember to check for the patch....
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I am very thankful that we have found a placement for Daughter that seems to be working.
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I'll be picking Daughter up in 4 hours. We'll pick up Sister, and then head to Brother's. I made cranberry relish last night for my contribution. I love cranberry relish. Brother, who lives in a very small house, had invited over 20 people. Sister and I were relieved to hear there will only be about a dozen people there.
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Sister will be missing Short Niece, who will be with her dad. It's the first Thanksgiving since Sister moved out (more than 7 years after the break in the marriage-- it's a long and complicated story). Sister was very grateful that I was willing to come pick her up and take her to Thanksgiving. We'll make it fun. How can it be anything but fun with Baby Nephew there?
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I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Good Phone Calls

Yesterday evening when Daughter called, she wasn't crying or angry. She has asked about participating in more of the activities and outings there. One of the staff members had done her laundry for her (which she hadn't done since she moved in). She asked me if she could go home early on Saturday, because she wants to go to the movie with her group. Yes, she called that place home.
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What's the difference? I think she is seeing the impact of the training I did. The staff is now calling me with questions about Daughter's care. I know part of it is they are testing my assurance that they can call me any time. I'm making sure I am patient and gracious when they call. I think once they become more comfortable with things, the calls will slow down.
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I also suspect Daughter wasn't getting enough of her anti-psychotic. Yesterday I wrote about how important it is to her. When the home transferred her prescriptions to their pharmacy, it filled 2 different strengths. I suspect that part of the time she was getting the lower strength pill. That left her doing more cycling and much more volatile. I suggested to one of the staff members that they take the lower strength pills out of her med box so no one gives it to her by mistake.
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I have had two very productive days in the office, even with a steady stream of visitors. I've been reading a book, something I seldom do. My stress level has gone way down. I am more relaxed, and as a result, more productive. I'm sleeping better and longer at night.
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I will have much to be thankful for as we celebrate Thanksgiving tomorrow.

A Rant

This morning I read an article critical of the number of foster children who are on anti-psychotics. I found it interesting that the problem was that the children were being placed on drugs, not that they might need the medication.
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Daughter started on anti-psychotics at age 8. It was a very hard thing to do. I resisted it, and wasn't sure I was making the right decision until I saw the impact that the medication had on her. She has severe PTSD. She was having psychotic flashbacks. She was terrified of the bathroom and of bed. It reached the point where she wouldn't go into the bathroom without me. She refused to take baths, and the only way I could get her to shower was if she was with me and I was standing between Daughter and the drain. She was convinced that her brothers were waiting in the drain and were going to pull her down.
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She had moved throughout the house looking for a safe place to sleep. She tried her bedroom, the guest room, my closet, my floor, my bed, and had she had reached the point that the only way she could sleep was if she was in full body contact with me. She was a big girl, and she was sleeping on top of me.
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It was a major battle every morning to get her to school, because she didn't feel safe in her classroom. She was convinced there were snakes living in her desk, and she was afraid of the boys in her classroom. I could tell that she was hearing voices, too. Her therapist convinced me to take her to a psychiatrist, who prescribed an anti-psychotic. They assured me that the medication would make things easier.
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Within a day or so, she showered without me. It wasn't until I took my first shower alone that I realized how exhausting it had been for me. When I saw her quick improvement I knew I had made the right decision. She has been on anti-psychotic ever since-- 16 years now. She's been through a number of different medications. A medication will work for a while, and then the voices and hallucinations will start again.
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So I find myself wondering how many of those foster kids who are on anti-psychotics have issues similar to Daughter's. Would it have been better to refuse to put her on medication and let her struggle with vivid flashbacks? Should I have left her afraid to go to the bathroom or sleep? There are probably some of those children who don't need the medication. I would prefer, though, that rather than defining the problem as the fact so many kids are on medication that we define the problem as the fact that some of these children are so damaged they need medication.

A Fresh Approach

Since anger didn't work last night, Daughter tried sobbing this morning. She called, and she was crying so hard she was having trouble talking. She claimed she was having flashbacks. I told her I was sorry she was having a bad morning, and maybe her counselor could give her some ideas about how to deal with it when she sees her this afternoon. She informed me she was already listening to her music and it wasn't helping. I suggested she try dancing. She didn't like that idea. I told her I had confidence in her ability to work through it and that I love her. Then I told her goodbye.
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It's much easier not to get sucked into her drama when she doesn't live with me. Much easier.

Tonight's Phone Call

Daughter called when I was in a meeting. I told her I was in a meeting and to call back in an hour. She did. "They're trying to control my diet! They told me I had to choose a sandwich or a microwave dinner." I told her I thought it was wonderful that they gave her choices. She was threatening to call the cops on the staff. It wasn't possible to have a rational conversation with her tonight. I hung up grateful that she's living there.

The In-Service

We trained the staff about Daughter's needs today. I started with her emotional needs, and how important it is for her to feel safe. I explained her hyper-vigilance, and how she picked up on everything. I told them that she believes she is too much work and staff is quitting because of her and that it's her fault that they are short of staff. I also explained why she needs to continue in her program for now.
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Then we talked about diabetes. I contradicted the dietitian several times, and I prevailed. The diabetic diet used to be based on exchanges, which were approximations. Daughter's diet is based on a strict counting of the grams of carbohydrate in her meals. Her insulin is figured based on her blood sugar and the carbs she is eating.
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I was pleased with what got communicated, but not so thrilled with how passive most of the staff was. I think there are some problems in the staff. I hope that the new manager is able to get a handle on things soon.
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Daughter wanted me to read them the riot act. I told her that wasn't necessary. I hope I'm right.

A Teary Phone Call

Daughter called with her standard tearful command, "You need to come get me now." After some complaints she finally said enough for me to figure out what had caused her such distress. The other diabetic at the house had a low blood sugar-- it dropped to 15, and they had called 911. Daughter was terrified. So we had a long conversation. I assured her that she knows how to keep herself safe and that wouldn't happen to her.
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I finally distracted her by asking her about the movie she went to see this evening with a church friend. Once she was focused on that, I reassured her again that she knows how to take care of her diabetes, and she could keep herself safe. She finally hung up when the ambulance arrived for the woman with the low blood sugar.

A Difference

Daughter was happy and cooperative this morning. We had a potluck after worship. I was sitting across from some friends, and she said, "You seem much more rested and relaxed since Daughter moved out."
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I think she's right. I took back right after church today. She was glad to get back. She was greeted warmly, and was planning to do her laundry. I then came home and unlocked the pantries and refrigerator and put the cable lock and keys in the drawer. It's wonderful not to have to wear the keys around my neck. It's wonderful to have the fruit out on the counter.
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I think my friend was right-- I am more rested and relaxed. I like it.

Football and Adjusting

I picked Daughter up this morning for the football game. I"ll take her back tomorrow after church. We really enjoyed the football game. It helped that our team won, of course.
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Daughter is all over the place right now. She claims she's not safe or respected there, and then she asks to go back early. I'm using my long time method of ignoring her as she rants. Unfortunately, some of her complaints are valid. They got lost on their way to pick her up yesterday, so they didn't pick her up. Apparently staff has told her they are pulling her out of her current program. The agreement was we wouldn't talk about that until she had settled in at the house, as change is so hard on her. She also thinks staff is quitting because of her. The diabetes stuff is still a challenge, and they aren't on top of all her medication. I'm waiting patiently until we get the staff trained on Monday. They will experience the wrath of Mama Bear if they don't get their act together after the training.

Thanksgiving

Sister has moved out from the house she shared with her ex-husband. Originally they were going to do holidays together this year for the sake of Short Niece, but this week he changed his mind and uninvited Sister to Thanksgiving. He has also claimed Short Niece for the day. So today Sister and I decided to join Brother and his in-laws for Thanksgiving. I'll pick Daughter and Sister up and take them.
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Originally I was going to join Sister Best Friend on Thanksgiving Day, and then Sister and Short Niece were coming here on Friday. Now we'll be together Thursday, so we'll have Friday to begin decorating the house for Christmas.
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Daughter doesn't know about the change in plans, so I'll tell her tomorrow. I think she'll be happy, because she'll get to see her youngest cousin.
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Tomorrow we're going to a football game at the university. That will be fun, though cold.

The First Overnight

Daughter was home last night for choir and spent the night. To say she was happy would be an understatement. It went pretty well. I was pleased to discover that they did get her anti psychotic filled, so she is taking it. They hadn't changed her patch, which was due to be changed on Monday. I changed it this morning.
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This is going to get easier, and in many ways it has gone more smoothly than I anticipated. I'm trying not to get uptight about things until after the training on Monday. If they still are messing up her diabetes after that, they'll hear from Mama Bear. For now, I'm going to enjoy the peace.

An Early Morning Call

Daughter called about 6:30 this morning. She was happy. She was excited about coming home, and she apologized for yesterday evening's call. I was relieved.
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That was the first of several phone calls I received before 8:00 this morning. In addition to Daughter, I have two other very needy women in my life right now. Supporting them without getting sucked in and dealing with the demands of ministry has been challenging.
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I'm looking forward to a spending time with Daughter this evening. This morning I suggested she take her bear hug sweatshirt back with her. I bought that so she could wear it when I'm not around to hug her. She thought that was a good idea. I was pleased to hear her acknowledge she'll be going back. This will work, it will just take time.

Problems

Daughter called before lunch today. The home hadn't given her the carb content for her lunch, and they needed to know it for insulin. I asked what she had in her lunch. She told me she had a container of yogurt which was 35 grams of carb, a ham sandwich, and cheese crackers. Somehow I think that was more than the 45 grams of carb she is supposed to have for lunch. I asked about her blood sugar. It was high, so they messed up breakfast, too. I wasn't thrilled, but I told her how much insulin to take and went back to my peer group.
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This evening I got a call from a staff member. Daughter was having a meltdown and had been trying to call me but was messing up the number so couldn't get through. She put Daughter on the phone. She was sobbing. She wanted to come home immediately. She wasn't safe there. They want to pull her out of her program and send her someplace else. They were messing up her diabetes. I tried to offer reassurance and comfort. I was getting ready to lead Bible study, so going to her wasn't an option. I reminded her she'd be home tomorrow night. I told her to go get the stuffed cat Administrative Assistant made her and hug that and wrap herself in her favorite throw. She was still crying when we hung up.
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I think I'll send an email off tomorrow asking that if staff isn't going to follow the diet, they at least make sure they are keeping track of carbs. I know they haven't been trained yet, but they have a diet that tells them exactly what she should have and how many carbs are in it. They need to follow the menu.
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On my way home from Bible study I stopped at the store and bought some chocolate. This is hard.

Too Busy

I've been too busy the last day or so to miss Daughter-- or to post, apparently. I had a brief conversation with her yesterday evening. She was crying and insisting she had to come home because she had a stomach ache. I offered sympathy, suggestions, assured her I had confidence in her ability to manage the situation, and told her I loved her and looked forward to seeing her Thursday evening. I was pulling into a retreat center for a peer group retreat at the time.
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I think she's adjusting well. The dietitian took the menu they are supposed to be using over to the home yesterday and delivered it. It has all the carbs on it and should make diabetes management much easier. It may help the other diabetic resident if they are using an appropriate menu.
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I'm off to breakfast now, and then a morning of content and reflection with my colleagues. Just wanted to post quickly so you'd know things are fine.

A Better Call

Daughter called right after the funeral (she tried to call during, but of course the ringer was off on my phone). She sounded happier, and she didn't try to convince me she didn't belong or I needed to come rescue her. I told her she should be grateful, as I had 2 meetings tonight and I wouldn't have to drag her with me.
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Even with losing 3 hours to a funeral and spending time on two extended conversations, I have had a fairly productive day. Now I'm headed home for supper, and then will be back for a round of evening meetings.
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I've also spent some time on emails regarding Daughter's diabetes situation. I now have the menus, and will be taking some time to look at them, probably this evening. I think I got their attention. Unfortunately, the training for staff won't be until a week from today. We'll figure it out eventually....

A Full Day

I'm hoping Daughter got a good night's sleep, and that her return to her program today will be reassuring to her. She called me in tears last night, homesick and wanting to come home. She said they didn't have anything for her lunch today. I assured her that they made lunches for others, and would have something she could take in her lunch.
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I'm going to be very busy today, with a funeral this afternoon and two meetings this evening in addition to all the Monday tasks. I think it will be good to be so busy. This is one of those days that dinner would have been on the table when Daughter got off the bus and we wouldn't have headed out the door to get back to the church as soon as we'd eaten. Now, Daughter will go home to dinner and time with her friends. In time, I think she will come to appreciate that. This is one of those weeks when I have commitments 4 evenings in a row (5 if you count the funeral home yesterday).
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I'm hoping that if Daughter does call this morning, she feels better because she's had a good night's sleep. I slept in an hour this morning-- until 6:30. It felt good. The bus picked Daughter up at 6:30, so I was always up by 5:45 at the very latest, but usually around 5:00. Since it's often 9:00 before I get home after evening commitments, it made for very long days for both of us. The move will enable both of us to get more sleep and have more down time.

"I'm all Mixed up"

I ended up taking Daughter back early today-- at her request. Part of the time she wanted to go back immediately, part of the time she wanted to stay with me forever. She said, "Mom, I'm just all mixed up." I assured her that was normal, and it would get easier as she adjusts.
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It was hard, dropping her off today. I'm sure in time I won't feel like crying when I pull away from her new home. I'm exhausted. I felt like I was off during worship this morning-- just not on top of things the way I like to be. I had to go see a family at the funeral home after I dropped off Daughter. I gave the family grief resources, and realized that I am grieving. I'm grieving as I face the reality of an empty nest. I'm also grieving as I let go of the dreams I had for Daughter. I didn't adopt her to grow up and live in a group home. Maybe I should read the book I give to grieving families....

Respect

Daughter knew I was picking her up at 7:30 this morning. The staff that does morning meds doesn't start work until 7:00. Daughter was not happy. She wanted things earlier, and apparently was very nasty with staff, threatening them with the wrath of mom. When I got there at 7:30, she had had her breakfast and was ready. She did not like the lecture I gave her in front of staff. I told her she had to relax and that she was to show staff respect. She accused me of dumping her on their doorstep and stormed out to the car. She sat in the backseat on the way here.
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I told her if she wanted to stay with me today, she needed to improve her attitude. She has decided she wants to go with me to the funeral home, which surprised me. It's going to be a busy day, and hopefully a good one.

The Roller Coaster Continues

Daughter called this morning, sounding good. She'd figured out the carbs on her meal. She said she'd slept well, "It almost felt like home." She was excited about going to a movie. That call came on my way to the meeting.
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During worship I got a call from a staff member asking about lunch at a fast food place. On the way home, Daughter called again. She wanted me to come get her. They didn't go to the movie she thought they were going to see. One of the women was disruptive in the van. She's not safe. I told her that I had confidence in her ability to keep herself safe. I suggested she watch some TV. She can't find her favorite channel. I suggested she ask staff, and promised to print out a channel guide for her. I told her it was natural that there would be some ups and downs as she adjusts to the move. I promised to pick her up in the morning. She wasn't thrilled, but I think she knew I wouldn't come get her. Hopefully I reassured her.

A Good Night's Sleep and a Plan

I don't think I moved after I went to bed last night. I slept, and slept well. I'll leave here about 7:30 for my meeting, which is about 95 miles from here. Fortunately, it's interstate most of the way, and I shouldn't run into much traffic on a Saturday morning.

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I didn't receive any more phone calls last night, so that's good. Today they are going to a movie, so that will be fun for Daughter. I do think it will work for Daughter at this place, I am just frustrated that I wasn't able to convince them to provide adequate training for staff. I don't understand why the dietitian doesn't get it and won't be more proactive. Yes, it will be work for her, but I was told she approves the menu, so it wouldn't be a problem.

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The dietitian is young, so I thought she would be up on the current diabetic management approaches. She gave them exchanges for the food, which is the old way. One exchange of carb is 15 grams of carb. This way of doing it requires staff to multiply the carb exchanges by 15, and then divide by Daughter's current ratio. That's a lot of math to do when you are trying to feed 13 people. The staff doesn't make much more above minimum wage, and they don't have advanced training. We need to make this as easy as possible for them. Since they have set menus, I'd like to see the nutrition and serving size on the menu. When I asked about the serving size for the potatoes yesterday, I was told "a couple of spoon fulls." It's hard to figure carbs for "a couple of spoon fulls" when you have multiple people determining the size of those couple of spoon fulls.

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I think I will ask them to fax of email me the menus weekly with any nutritional information or recipes they have. I will calculate serving size, nutrition information, and insulin. I will send it back with serving sizes and insulin calculated by blood sugar. I will show all the work so that they can see how I figure it out. We've worked hard to managed Daughter's blood sugars and keep them at near normal levels, minimizing the likelihood of complications. I want that to continue. I want this placement to work, and since the dietitian isn't willing/able to provide the information staff needs, Mama Bear will take care of things.

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I will also provide them with a list of options for her bedtime snacks. Sugar free jello will not be an option unless her blood sugar is so high she doesn't need a bedtime snack.

The First Calls

I got a call from the home before supper. Daughter's blood sugar was 76, so they were asking how much insulin they should give. Of course, they didn't know the carb content of the food. The dietitian didn't give them the carb content for steamed potatoes. They knew the carb content for 1/2 a cup of peas. I had asked for the information to be placed on the menu. I guess I expect too much. I told them not to give her any insulin, since I wasn't going to guess and have her go lower.
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A couple of hours later, Daughter called. They said she had to take a shower every day. She didn't want to take a shower every day. I told her that a shower every day was good for her, and she'd be all shiny and clean. Then she informed me that for bedtime snack they gave her sugar free jello. She told them she needed carbs, but they didn't listen. Her blood sugar was 130 (I was glad I told them to skip the insulin at supper). I asked to speak with a staff member. I told her Daughter had to have more than sugar free jello for a bedtime snack, or she'd go low. She was going to give Daughter some cheese crackers.
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I am frustrated. Twice I have explained that they need nutrition information, and asked that it be placed on the menu. I've explained why it is important. My concerns are being dismissed. Daughter told me tonight, "I'm not safe here. They don't know how to take care of me." That was what I was trying to avoid. I may have to go over there and figure out the nutrition information myself. I'm not very happy about the situation. The problem is I don't know when I'll do it. I have a meeting all day tomorrow, multiple commitments on Sunday, and a funeral on Monday.
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On a cheerier note, I had a wonderful evening out. We went to a craft show, a variety store, and then to a wonderful bar and grill for a great meal. None of us intended to eat our entire meal, and we all did. They were delicious. I also got some Christmas shopping done. It was a fun evening, even with the phone calls.

Moved!

The guys had the trailer loaded and we were on the road by 10:00 this morning. Daughter was excited. The men unloaded the trailer and put the bed together. There was a ton of paperwork. While I worked on that, one of the staff helped her unpack (there wasn't much to do, as we'd moved her dresser with all the clothes in it.)
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After I finished the paperwork I went to her room to set up her TV. It turns out there is cable available for her, so that was nice. She needed a new light bulb for her lamp and I needed a cable to connect the TV to the cable box, so we went to lunch and then bought those things (which cost exactly $11.11-- but it we didn't buy them at 11:11). I finished setting up her TV, gave her a hug, and left.
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One of the men invited me to go on a tour of homes and out to dinner with he and his wife tonight. I'm glad I won't be home all alone tonight. It was hard when I pulled away. I wanted to talk to Mom. It doesn't happen as frequently, but there are still times when I miss her terribly. I called Far Away Sister. She sent Tall Niece off to college this fall, so she understands.
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Tomorrow I'll be at a meeting all day. Sunday I'll pick up Daughter for church. The week will be busy, with a funeral on Monday. Fortunately, I'm just assisting. I will probably drop Daughter off right after we work the soup kitchen on Sunday so I don't have to drag her to the funeral home for visitation.
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For now, though, I'm going to go get ready for my evening out. I think I will enjoy my new freedom.

Moving Day

What a roller coaster ride! We've had shouts of anger, tears of fear and grief, and she is currently bouncing off the wall with joy and excitement. She packed some more things this morning-- things she was refusing to pack last night. I'm going to be exhausted before we even get out of the door at this rate. The men will be here with the trailer within an hour, and I think we're ready. I'm looking forward to a quiet evening at home and an opportunity to catch my breath when we get the move done.
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I printed out calendars for Daughter this morning that show the time she will be with me. She was quite excited to see how much time she will have here-- 2 overnights next week and the following week is Thanksgiving, so we'll have time together then. She was quite pleased and reassured after seeing the plans. I'm going to have to do that for her regularly. I think it will help her sense of security.

Found: A Black Hole

I opened the drawers in Daughter's dresser this afternoon and discovered the black hole into which socks, napkins, washcloths, and various other small items vanish. I couldn't believe what all I found in there.... I took a laundry basket in and emptied them into it, and then brought it into the family room to sort. It was fun sorting through the socks, some of which were dirty.
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I was amazed, because I thought I'd been supervising her pretty closely when she pulls the whites out of the dryer. As always, though, my attempts to teach her how to do things properly only result in her learning how to be even sneakier.
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Her furniture is all in the living room, ready to be picked up by the guys at 10:00 tomorrow morning. I think there are 4 men coming to move a dresser, twin bed, desk, wicker chair and a few boxes. I think their real motivation is the opportunity to go out to lunch when they're done with the work. Whatever it is, I'm grateful for their support.
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As I anticipated, she had a difficult time this evening. She doesn't want to take any furniture. I offered to take her to choir to give her a break, but she wanted to stay and work with me. The problem was she was quickly overwhelmed, and when she's overwhelmed, I become her target. In the end, she did most of the things I asked her to do.
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The reports from elsewhere are that she is very excited about moving and really looking forward to it. I'm glad to hear those reports, because all I hear is how frightened she is, how terrible this place is, and how wrong it is of me to kick her out like this. I keep telling her that moving is hard, and she'll be okay. I told her the schedule for the next week-- I'll pick her up for worship on Sunday. After lunch we'll go serve a meal at a soup kitchen, and then come back to the house to hang out for a while before she goes back to the group home. Thursday the bus will drop her off here, and after choir she'll spend the night with me, going from here to her program on Friday. Next Saturday we're going to a college football game, just to see it, not to work in the concession stand. She'll spend the night here then, too. I look forward to life getting easier....
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I've done all I can to make this move easier on her. All her acting out has done is make me more determined to move her out. I look forward to having a peaceful home. Yesterday I reorganized the linen closet, and celebrated the fact that it will stay that way, since Daughter will no longer be cramming things into it. I anticipate having a lot more energy when I no longer have her venom spewed at me. It will also be nice not to find her surprises-- like the black hole that had been sucking up things she didn't want to deal with. It will be interesting to see if they can get her to be more responsible. It will also be interesting to see what she does to try to get kicked out.

I Don't Think So

Daughter was quickly yelling at me this morning. She insisted she needed to stay home today. She was too stressed to go to her program. She needed to stay home and pack. Of course, when she faces the task of packing, she gets overwhelmed. She rages, and doesn't accomplish more than wearing me out.
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I sent her to her program, of course, and am very grateful I set aside this afternoon to take care of most of the details without her around. Does she really think I'm going to keep her home to rage at me? I don't think so.

She Knows Me Well

Daughter got a new laptop. I was setting it up for her, and decided to add a password. When she sat down to use it and discovered she needed a password, she looked up at me, "Is it Kitten?"
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"No."
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"It's Mom." She said this with great confidence, and a bit of smugness.
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I thought I was being clever. It is rather disconcerting to recognize how well she knows me.
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I have decided not to go to my meeting tomorrow afternoon. I'm going to do some shopping and packing while Daughter is still at her program. The packing is hard on her, so I'll spare us both the drama and just get it done.

Overwhelmed

The manager at Daughter's residential placement is new-- she's been there maybe a month. She's been with the company longer, but is new to this position. She gave me another stack of paperwork yesterday. I looked it over, and some of it should have been filled out at the meeting yesterday. I think this is manager's first move-in, and I suspect she's feeling almost as overwhelmed as Daughter and I are.
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Daughter is not doing well with this right now. She's very volatile, to say the least. It doesn't help that we're trying to accomplish this move in the midst of a very crazy week for me. I have someone dying, was tied up all afternoon, and have 4 commitments tomorrow. I have a meeting over an hour away on Thursday afternoon. This is our only evening home, and Daughter is not wanting to do any packing. She's overwhelmed, to say the least. I'm trying to break it down for her. "Pick out three pairs of pants that fit you and bring them here."
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Fortunately, the move doesn't have to be complete on Friday. As long as we get the furniture moved while we have the men and the church trailer, we can take the other things over gradually. I have men lined up to help with the move. I'm very grateful to be in ministry with this congregation. With their help, it's a little less overwhelming.

A Move-in Date

This Friday Daughter will move. I'm pleased with the plans. Nurse apologized for staff's confusion. We will do an in-service early next week, and I will be there. That was not a problem. They will take over much of the paperwork and transportation. Once I complete another huge stack of paperwork, my life is going to be much easier. She will be with me every Thursday night for supper and choir-- and I won't have to do any of the transporting. She'll leave from my house on Fridays to go back to her program.
I think this is going to work.
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Daughter did have one outburst during the meeting, but stayed and recovered to participate again. They were all shocked by her yelling and swearing. I assured them that was mild, she saves the big stuff for me. Once she's just visiting overnight, I shouldn't have to deal with that. I think our relationship will improve.
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Another door opened for ministry: one of the men came in to talk today about his sister. He has been her guardian for over 30 years, and he needs more help. I told him how to begin to access services for her. He knows I understand. I have several folks in the congregation who are guardians, and have sought out my support/advice. People know that I understand their family challenges, whatever they may be.
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This has become a crazy-busy week.

This Morning

We have the pre-placement meeting at 10:00 this morning. Daughter told me she wants to move today. Then she said we needed to wait until next week. She raged yesterday, but then snuggled against me to watch TV last night. I can only begin to imagine what's going through her brain right now.
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My hope is that we can move her Friday. This week is very busy. I have multiple commitments every day, which makes it challenging to do all the prep and administrative work that needs to be done.
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I put the futon back together in the guest room yesterday by myself, managing to strain my back in the process. I like the way the guest room is looking, and am eager to open the door to it. I think once the door is open, I will make use of the desk in there.
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Given all that needs to get done this week, I'd best head out to the church now....

Practicing What I Preach

I keep telling Daughter she needs to focus on the positive. I'm trying to do that, too. I'm hanging on to the moments when I catch glimpses of her excitement about moving to the group home. It's hard to ignore the screaming and flying objects, but I am going to focus on those times when she is excitedly making plans.
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I'm going to focus on the fact that she's working on cleaning her bedroom, not on the fact that she intentionally trashed it because she was moving and wanted to express her displeasure. She is there singing hymns as she works, so I'm going to focus on the power music has to calm her.
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I'm going to focus on the fact that I put the futon back together by myself, and not on the back pain I'm now having. I had waited until today, thinking Daughter would help, but it quickly became clear that if I asked for her help in the mood she was in, one of us would end up dead.
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I'm going to focus on the reality that the end is in sight. Soon I won't be living with the volatility and the manipulations. Soon I will be able to unlock things. Soon she will just be coming to visit, and we won't have the conflict that comes when I ask her to clean her room or pick up after herself. I'm going to focus on all the positive things, and I'm going to rejoice.

Back Home

I picked Daughter up this morning. She was pleased to see me. One of the staff members straightened her hair for her, so she looked cute. She's back and forth between wanting to move and refusing to move. She tried to convince the staff she had to come home yesterday by pretending she was having a bad low. She was shaking, and her blood sugar was 100. They were very concerned. I informed the she was playing them. Daughter shrugged and said, "I wanted to go home."
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I think this will be okay. I want the staff to be trained before she moves, so we'll see how quickly that can happen.

Daughter Called

Daughter made it just over 24 hours before she called to tell me I had to come get her immediately. You think she'd figure out that I don't do that. She threatened to walk home, and then threatened me. She's still there, and will probably change her mind a dozen or so times before she moves. I wouldn't want to live in her head.
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It was weird, not having her here on a Saturday. I did some yard work and some shopping, but was pretty lazy overall. I'm sure that I will adjust and will eventually enjoy my alone time, but for now, it's just weird....

And Now, For Good News

Daughter is all smiles this morning. Told me I was right about everything-- in front of witnesses. I'm much relieved.
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I've decided that I want to be present when they do the in-service training for the house staff. I trusted them when they told me the staff knew everything they need to know. I'm not going to make that mistake again.

I Should Have Growled Louder

So I took Daughter down to residential, and found an overwhelmed staff. The Medical Coordinator, who Nurse insisted was very experienced and knew how to handle everything was waiting for me. "I've only been in this position since the beginning of October, and I'm feeling overwhelmed." The information on carb content for the meals? It said 1/2 cup of pasta was 15 grams of carb. The box from the macaroni and cheese said 1 cup was 50 grams of carb. I'm glad the cook was smart enough to save the box to show me. I walked them through it several times in several different ways. I was there for over 2 hours dealing with the medical stuff. I've had 4-5 calls since I left. Nurse will not be happy to see me on Monday. Medical Coordinator told me that usually they have an in-service for all the staff before someone with the kind of needs Daughter has comes. She told me to make sure I insisted on one before move-in. She said if I insisted, they'd have to do it.
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Now for the good news: I liked all the staff I met. They were very kind and caring. Daughter couldn't see me, but I could hear her laughing and talking with the other women. She is still insisting to me that she doesn't belong there, but I think it will be okay. The staff and I will figure it out, since it seems that Nurse and Dietitian aren't going to be much help. I guess I didn't growl loudly enough.

Eight Hours

In 8 hours I will be leaving to drop Daughter off for the weekend. Case Manager called this morning. She didn't know that things weren't ready for Daughter's weekend visit. She's going to try to figure things out before she heads out for a day of visits in a few minutes. I suspect I'll end up looking like an overly anxious, overly protective mother again.
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I wonder how many of these people would leave their child someplace that wasn't prepared to manage their medical and emotional needs? Daughter is home with me today, so it will be a challenge to deal with these issues without her finding out how concerned I am about them. It could be a very interesting 8 hours.

GRRRR

This afternoon I have been corresponding with Nurse on Daughter's visit to the residential facility tomorrow. Email on medical issues from Nurse has to be secure because of hippa, so retrieving the email involves going to a secure website and logging in-- via my android. Not a fun or easy thing to do.
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She called Administrative Assistant to have her fax the orders to her. She was surprised that I thought staff should be trained before Daughter arrives tomorrow. She doesn't think she'll be able to do that. After looking at the orders, she decided maybe they should just call me before every meal to calculate the insulin for them. I told her I am willing to do that, but I will need carb information on the meals. That's a problem. Then she tells me I have to get our pharmacy to bubble wrap her meds. I called the pharmacy. They don't do that.
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I gave her a document outlining what the orders would be on Monday. I gave it to her then so she would have time to look it over and determine what training staff would need. Obviously that didn't work.
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Mama Bear is not happy right now. Not happy at all....

Education

Today I'm off to a workshop at a conference center less than 30 minutes from here. While I am being educated, I will work very hard at not worrying about whether or not the staff will be educated prior to Daughter's arrival at the group home tomorrow evening. I got the medical orders yesterday, but no one seems to be concerned about having them before tomorrow night. If I were a just above minimum wage employee, I'd feel pretty intimidated if orders that included an insulin to carb ratio and a correction factor were sprung on me 30 minutes before I was expected to follow them.
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I want Daughter to feel safe and comfortable there tomorrow. That won't happen if the staff is not comfortable and competent with handling her diabetes. She will pick up on their discomfort, and won't feel safe. I've explained all of this, but I'm not sure they believe me. Letting go is very hard.

Target

Right now I feel like I have a target on my back. Daughter is scared about the move, so she's mad, and I'm the target of her anger. It's not a fun way to live. I think I'm getting the paperwork in order. I faxed 38 pages to them yesterday-- just the pages with signatures, initials, or information they needed. Today I got the orders from the doctor's office. Since her doctor is out of town, my nurse practitioner signed them-- I'm sure she knew it would improve my health.
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I don't know how many times and in how many different ways I've explained this. I'm sure I'll have to come up with a few more before we complete the move, and then some more after she moves.
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Administrative Assistant and I sat down and mapped out the work for the rest of the year today. We're less than 2 months from 2012. It hardly seems possible.
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Now it's off to teach Bible Study. I have commitments 4 nights in a row this week. That just makes the target bigger.

Mama Bear

Daughter has been concerned about how they'll handle her program at the group home. She's afraid they won't listen to her. I decided it would help if she could talk to the nurse before she did training, so I emailed the nurse yesterday. The response I got told me all about how they had to follow orders or they'd lose their license and legal requirements. I read the answer and was furious. I hadn't asked her to disobey doctor's orders, I'd asked her to listen to Daughter, and she already wasn't listening.
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About that time Treasurer stuck his head in my office. He took a look at me and suggested he'd come back another time. I assured him he could come in, he just needed to listen to me complain for a minute. He did. He is guardian for a family member in a group home, so he does understand. I tamed down my Mama Bear fury to write a response assuring Nurse we knew that rules had to be followed, and Daughter was concerned that they wouldn't listen and needed to be heard. She agreed to meet with us before Daughter's appointment with Therapist yesterday evening.
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I knew Daughter was not going to be happy when I surprised her with the news we were meeting with Nurse, and I was right. I finally explained I'd had to get into Mama Bear mode. She started to laugh. I suggested she get into Baby Bear mode. We stopped at the house to print out some information, and she decided there were two important things to tell Nurse, so she wrote down (in all caps) BEING HEARD and FOOD.
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I was surprised, because she told me she needed to tell Nurse that she doesn't like all food, and was concerned that she wouldn't be able to eat what they offered. What she actually told her was that food needed to be secure so Daughter wouldn't get into it. Nurse did a good job of listening and reassuring Daughter. She was much more relaxed after her conversation with Nurse. She was also delighted to discover I still am willing to become Mama Bear and growl when necessary.

Caught!

We were invited to go to Sister's this afternoon to help her as she unpacks and settles into her new home. Brother and his family were supposed to be there. Daughter was against it yesterday, but today thought she might like to do that. By the time we got to the church, she was telling me the reasons she couldn't do it.
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The Administrative Assistant arrived. Daughter went out to greet her. I could hear her telling Administrative Assistant how she was going to get to go see her aunt and cousin this afternoon. She was very excited about. I walked over to the choir room and stuck my head in. "I thought you couldn't go." The look on her face was priceless. AA and I thought it was hilarious.
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We went. Brother and his family didn't make it, but I helped Sister with several tasks, and Daughter and Short Niece played together. Short Niece loves Daughter. It was a good afternoon.

A New Chapter

It's a roller coaster around here right now. Daughter will start a sentence with, "When I move...." When I respond, she starts yelling about how she's not going and it's not right. We're talking a lot about how hard it is to move, and how good it will be once she adjusts. One minute she's making plans, the next she's insisting she won't go.
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The good part is that she's very affectionate right now, and fairly helpful. I am tackling all the paper work that has piled up in the office/guest room. Some of it has been sitting on top of the desk since we moved in a year ago. I'm filing and tossing. Daughter, after protesting, has been shredding. The bed in there will go with her (though with a new headboard). The futon in the family room will go in there, and I'm getting a new couch for the family room next Saturday. Of course, she won't be moved by then. I think we'll take the bed out and stack it in the hall, that will make room for the futon to be moved into its new home.
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Part of the sorting is necessary to find the paperwork I need to complete this move. I have set aside an entire file drawer for Daughter's paperwork. I've been procrastinating on the paperwork. I am really struggling with this move. I know intellectually that this is the right move for both of us, but my heart aches. I haven't lived alone in over 21 years. It's going to be hard.
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For the past year, the office/guest room has been locked. It was where I put things I didn't have room for in the locked kitchen pantry cupboards. Once Daughter moves I will be able to open the door. I think when the door is open I will make use of the desk in there more.
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Lots of changes are coming. I'm sure I haven't even pondered the ripple effect of all of them. We're both moving into new chapters in our lives and relationship. Most of the time I'm looking forward to the new chapter.

I Shut Her Up

Daughter is understandably anxious about the move, which has made her very needy emotionally. She has become a Cling-on again. Last night she decided she needed to stay home and help me today. I said no, but refused to engage further as she ranted and raved. She went to bed last night, and I thought the argument was over.
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When I woke her up this morning, her first words were, "I'm not going!" She informed me she knew I had a lot of work to do today and she was going to stay home and help me. I said, "Your 'help' comes with shouting and an attitude that wears me out." She stopped shouting. She tried again before she left. I told her that I love her, and when she is stressed she sneaks food and gets grouchy and it's hard work to watch her every move and deal with her attitude. She said, "That's part of why you are sending me away." I didn't respond. She's right, it is part of the reason why it's time for her to move out.
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Last night I was depressed. This is going to be hard. I know it's time. I know it's the right thing to do. I know all that, and I am going to miss her. For 21 years, much of my life has revolved around her needs. Life will be easier when it isn't a daily balancing act to juggle the demands of ministry and parenting her. It will also be emptier. I promised her we'd have fun together this evening and tomorrow.

The Story

Yesterday evening Daughter was finally able to tell me what had gone on during the supper visit that ad caused her to shut down. One of the women (who is wreaking havoc while there for respite-- they're trying to move her) had said things and and made gestures that Daughter said were "inappropriate." She said she was very uncomfortable with it. She said the woman was sent to her room, but didn't stay there. She told me she doesn't know if the staff there can keep her safe. She said she was crying, and one of the staff members told her she was too pretty to cry.
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I'm trying to figure out how to address this. I want to go forward with the move, and I want to make sure that Daughter will feel safe there. We're going to have to teach her how to respond to the things that bothered her Tuesday evening.
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I told one of the men here that I needed a favor. A big favor. He got the deer in the headlights look, and I said, "I need help moving Daughter and her furniture." He beamed. "No problem. We've got the trailer outside and there are plenty of people who will help with the move." I knew it wouldn't be a problem, and I'm grateful for the support.
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We had three men in examining some cracks in the ceiling in the sanctuary yesterday. I went out to check on them, and when I came back I told Administrative Assistant I wasn't sure if they were the 3 musketeers or the 3 stooges. One of the men put a foot through a ceiling tile. The good news is there wasn't a major problem, and they have made repairs.

The Supper Visit

I'm having trouble writing about Daughter's supper visit to her residential placement, probably because I'm still processing it myself. It didn't make her eager to move, but it hasn't completely killed her desire to move, either. I have some concerns after the visit, but am not ready to reject the placement.

When we got there the residents were very friendly and welcoming, the staff less so. I stayed until supper was served so I could give her her insulin and pills. The staff couldn't figure out why I couldn't give her the insulin 30 minutes before she eats (the insulin starts reducing her blood sugar in 5-10 minutes, so if her blood sugar is in normal range, she could quickly go low without food).

When I left, she handed me her monitor to take with me, which surprised me. I decided that maybe it just showed how relaxed she was. Wrong. At 7:00 she called and insisted I come and bring her monitor immediately. I assured her she'd be fine and told her I'd be there about 8:30 to pick her up. When I got there, she had shut down and was laying on the couch. I had hoped that while she waited for me the other residents would draw her out and into their activities. Didn't happen. They had a jazz band last night, but apparently it was at the men's house next door, and Daughter was not invited to be a part of that activity.

When we got in the car, she wrapped herself around my arm. She told me how she didn't want to leave me. Her protests and objections were muted, though. She didn't like the food, she worries about whether she'll be safe, but it seems like she is adjusting to the idea, even though it's obviously not going to be perfect.... I guess that's a victory. I just wish I felt like celebrating.

Mixed Messages

Yesterday was a day of mixed messages. Daughter started with what looked like pink eye, but after a nap in my study, she woke up and her eye was fine. I took her and dropped her off at her program, so she did get to go see her future home with Case Manager.

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She came home and was not happy. She was not moving. She did not belong in that place. She couldn't live with 12 women. She belonged with me. On and one she went. I kept telling her I knew it was scary and talking about other times when a change had been scary and had turned out to be good. I talked about moving out of my parents' home to go to college. I didn't think my words had had any impact on her until she after supper. I sat down with my back massager to relax for a few minutes before coming back to the church for a board meeting. She came over, and with a half smile, said, "Those rooms are really big and each room has a private bathroom!" I dropped her at a friend's house before my meeting, and when her board member's husband arrived at the church, he reported Daughter was very excited about the upcoming move and talking about how great it was going to be. I was relieved to hear that report.

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The board meeting was long, hard, and very good. For the devotions, one of the members asked everyone to share one thing they are thankful for with regards to my ministry. It was a little embarrassing and very gratifying to hear them marvel over the positive energy, lack of complaints, forward movement and vision, sermons, and many other things. I shared how thankful I am, too, to be here in ministry with them. For the education piece, I shared a video about differentiated leadership and dealing with the anxiety in the system. I shared a few observations, and then we talked about a committee that is full of anxiety and has the potential to stir up lots of turmoil in the church. The committee had sent a motion to the board that would be voted down as a provocative gesture. I turned it into a case study as we discussed how to deal with it. We voted down the motion and came up with two things we were going to do to address the underlying issues. It was exhausting, but we all felt good about our discussion and the way we handled the situation.

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After all this positive affirmation, we heard from the nominating committee. They are quite frustrated by the trouble they are having finding people willing to serve on the board. The board is excited about what's happening at the church and the direction we're going, so it's very frustrating it's so hard to find people who want to be part of the process. I expect this problem in a conflicted, struggling church. It's unexpected in a church in which there is supposedly excitement and enthusiasm for the future. We suggested some names and assured the people on the nominating committee that they are approaching this in the right way. The messages of the meeting seemed as mixed as the messages Daughter is giving me about the upcoming move. Maybe there are similar dynamics at work. Change is hard and scary, even when it is good change.

Pink Eye

Daughter came out this morning and pointed to her right eye, which was very pink and irritated. I wanted to cry. I ran through my calendar, and was glad that the couple I was going to visit today had cancelled. As soon as the doctor's office opens, I'll call to get her an appointment. Depending on when I can get an appointment, I may have to cancel my 1:00 meeting about the prayer chain. I called and cancelled her bus transportation.
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Daughter was supposed to go with Case Manager to see the group home today. Instead, she's on the love seat in my study, sleeping. It could be a very long day....

The Excitement Gives Way to Anxiety

Daughter is having a hard time now with the thought of the move. She was excited at church this morning, and was telling everyone that she's moving. But this afternoon, the reality has hit. She's been more volatile. She's given me a number of reasons why she can't move. Most of them are fairly predictable. She thinks I'm going to stop being her mom. She's going to miss Kitten. I'm getting rid of her.

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The one that both amused me and gave me a glimpse into her fears was the conversation we had in the car: "Mom, I can't leave you. You're getting older. You're already in your 50's. You've fallen before. I need to stay with you to take care of you. Soon I'll have to find a nursing home for you!"

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I reassured her that I would be fine. She worries about me and is afraid I'm getting old and need help, yet she is verbally abusive, which certainly isn't good for my health. I'm sure there will be lots of similar conversations in the days and weeks ahead.

The Fear Surfaces

Sister closed on a house yesterday, and after being divorced for several years is finally leaving her ex (they stayed together while he tried to get a mortgage modification to something he could afford on his own-- he finally gave up after several years of trying.) She sent me a text this morning inviting me to come see her new house. I decided we'd go.
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I painted and waited for deliveries while she took my larger car to buy things like a lawnmower and other needed items. Sister was very grateful for my help. I enjoyed seeing her and was glad I could give her a hand. Daughter started out the day doing great. She helped Sister with the shopping. Part way through the afternoon she retreated to the car.
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On the way home she apologized. I told her she'd been helpful, and it was okay if she'd worn out. Finally she told me what was bothering her. "Mom, it reminded me that I'm moving."
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We talked about her fears. She pointed out that this is different from camp, because it's permanent. I reminded her she'd be home frequently. She told me she'd miss Kitten, and my cooking. She wants to get off the bus at our house. We talked about it, I reassured her, and she was fine by the time we got home. I hope it will continue to be as easy to calm her fears.
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Sister's new home is a little closer to us-- she's just over an hour away now. I am happy about that. She has never never lived alone. I gave her a list of tools she was going to need. I took my card table and chairs and a step stool for her to use until she gets moved in. I also took some tools over. I realized that I was doing what Mom and Dad would have done for her at one time. I was glad I could do it for her.

Daughter's Reaction

Program Manager was convinced that Daughter knew I was looking for a placement. She suggested she was reading my text messages or my email. I was skeptical, but considered it was possible.
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When Daughter got home this evening I told her to come sit down, I had some good news. She asked me how good the news was. I told her to come in and have a seat and I'd tell her. I told her I'd found her a new place. She was ecstatic, and shocked. She had no idea I had been looking, and was shocked that I'd been visiting places for several weeks.
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The more I told her about the place, the more excited she became. She wants to see it now. She said we needed to go out to eat to celebrate. So we went out to eat. I suspect that at some the fear and doubts will kick in, but for now, I'll enjoy her excitement. Her reaction reassured me that this is the right thing to do.

A Plan

We have a plan. I will tell Daughter about the plan tonight. Monday Case Manager is having lunch with her, and they'll go check out the place. Tuesday, after her appointment with Therapist, I'll drop her off at residential for a supper visit. I'll stay long enough to give her her insulin. I'll pick her up again around 8:00.

The weekend of the 4th she'll visit for the weekend. That week we'll have a pre-placement meeting and set a move in date. I was comfortable with the team. New Case Manager as concerned about the borderline diagnosis. I explained that her biggest problem was Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. I gave them the short version of her first three years. Attitudes changed.

They will provide transportation for her to continue in her current program for a while. They will work with us on finding another appropriate placement for her. We will work together to make her work.

I have a huge stack of paperwork to complete. I am relieved and comfortable with the plan. My life is going to get much easier. I'm also very sad.

Pre-PrePlacement Meeting

This morning I am meeting with Daughter's Program Manager, Case Manager, Therapist, and in-coming Case Manager. We are going to plan her transition to residential. I want to be able to begin talking to her about it this weekend. I think she is going to be ready. I hope so, anyway. It was actually a relatively peaceful morning today. Maybe spending intentional time with her yesterday and explaining her drama didn't work helped-- at least for this morning.

Voices that Don't Speak

Daughter was quite dramatic in her return home this evening. She was throwing out a number of lines, trying to hook me. At one point she was beating her head and telling the voices to stop. She explained to me that the voices wouldn't leave her alone and she had to get them out of her head. I asked her what they were saying. She informed me they weren't speaking.
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I finally sat her down and informed her that her attempts to get attention from me were pushing me away. I suggested that if she wanted time with me, she should ask for it. She was very subdued for a few minutes, then asked if I would play a game on the wii with her. We got in one game of bowling while the lasagna finished baking. I'd like to say she learned, but as soon as supper was over, she started throwing out reasons she couldn't come to choir. I had her snuggle next to me for 40 minutes of TV, and then we came to the church (arriving just before choir instead of over an hour early, when the bells practice). She immediately grabbed her music and headed off to sing. On the way here she was talking about her desire for people her own age to do things with. She'll have that when she moves. Tomorrow morning we figure out how to prepare her for the move. Maybe she'll embrace the idea.

Manipulation

Daughter woke up this morning and began crying. She cried through her shower, and came out to the kitchen still crying. She says she can't go to her program today because she can't stop thinking about the orphaned children. I told her she was going to her program, and she should pray for the children. I know she's sad, but I'm not convinced the tears aren't pure manipulation.
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I got a text from Program Manager yesterday. Staff reported that Daughter was saying things that made them believe she knows she is moving. I asked her yesterday evening if she had anything she wanted to talk to me about, or anything she was stressing over. She kept asking what I'd heard and insisting she didn't know what I was talking about. I decided not to talk directly about her moving.
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I think she knows I'm looking, and I suspect she's being dramatic in telling staff about it. I don't think she wants to know or is ready to talk about specifics. We'll make a plan tomorrow on how to tell her and how to smooth out the transition. I think I'll have her Case Manager or Program Manager tell her. They can sell it as doing her a favor. If I tell her, I suspect she'll decide I'm getting rid of her. I guess I'm manipulating her, too. I hope, though, that my motives are a bit better. I hope.

The Enemy

Last night Daughter snuggled against me to watch a TV show we'd recorded Monday night. This morning I was the Enemy. I don't know why. It may have been because they have an outing to an apple orchard this morning and she doesn't want to go. It may have been because she woke up in a wet bed again this morning. She may not know why she was so angry. What I do know is that on mornings when I'm the enemy, I'm tired before I even leave the house.
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I woke up thinking about my friend's family, and pondering if there is some way I can support them in their time of sorrow beyond prayers. My heart is heavy.
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I started this this morning, and then got too busy to come back to it. Daughter came home in a better mood. I asked if she was still mad at me. She told me she wasn't, and then told me she couldn't stop thinking about my friend's children all day. "I need to be thankful I have a mom who is still alive." She even took all the trash out without complaining.

Grieving

This evening I heard that a friend had been killed in an accident this morning. I'd only met her face to face a few times, but we had made a deep connection via an online support group for the parents of children with Reactive Attachment Disorder. She had 3 children, 2 of them adopted, 1 of them with RAD. Two months ago her husband dropped dead of a massive heart attack. It was a devastating blow for the entire family. I can't begin to imagine how the children will recover from this second blow. Daughter had met all of them. She saw my reaction when I read the news, and asked me what was wrong. When I told her, she asked if we could pray for them right away.
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My friend had been blogging about her journey through grief. You can read her blog here: http://munchkinmom.blogspot.com/ (Blogger is being difficult tonight). I ask for prayers for her family. I felt sick when I heard of her husband's death. I don't even know how to describe what I am feeling right now.