Thursday, May 28, 2015


Daughter finally saw Psychiatrist today.  She was paranoid, and had a meltdown, and she is now going to be changing anti-psychotics.  It will take several months to get her up to level on the new one while gradually reducing the old one.  I hope it will help.  She's really been struggling.  Last weekend she said, "Mom, I don't know why I'm so irritable.  I don't want to be.  I just can't stop it." 

She has  now spent 3 Tuesdays cleaning my house.  Overall, it is going very well.  It certainly is easing my stress.  She's better able to handle her program now that she's only there 3 days a week.  She's also getting better at setting aside her emotions to take care of her responsibilities.  She collected a long hug from Administrative Assistant and then got busy and completed all her volunteer tasks in the office.  She complained about one, AA said it wasn't hard, so she got busy and finished it.  When she was done, she asked if we had more things she could do.  She has grown so much.

I saw a new doctor this week.  A new orthopedic doctor.  My 3rd orthopedic doctor.  I went to see him to find out if I needed to have my ulna shortened.  He pointed out that ulna is definitely not where it should be, and I probably have ligament and other damage that is contributing to that.  He wasn't concerned about the ulna, though, because he took x-rays from different angles, and they showed that the radius has not healed.  There is still a gap between the bones.  I may be looking at a third major surgery on it, and that would probably take place with yet another specialist.

I broke my arm on May 11 of 2013.  The second surgery was in February of last year.  I'm pretty discouraged.  The good news is that as long as I wear my brace and avoid chopping down trees (or doing other impact work) I can work in my yard.  He twisted it around quite a bit, and it didn't hurt at the time, but it sure was sore the next day.  I go back in July-- after more time with the bone stimulator.  The good news is I only have to use it on one spot now, so it's 20 minutes a day instead of 40.

There are staff issues at Daughter's house.  I had a conversation with Home Owner following Psychiatrist appointment today.  She was going to address the issues.  Part of the challenge is knowing how much of Daughter's reporting is accurate.  I do think that staff has been taunting her.  As I told Home Owner, "It's not smart to poke a tiger."  She's also been giving her current anti psychotic incorrectly, which reduces its effectiveness.  There are also issues with her diet and diabetes management.  We are going to have these struggles as long as she is living in a group home.  She desperately wants to get out into an apartment on her own.  That won't be happening anytime soon.  However, it seems more like a possibility now than a couple of months ago.  I didn't think she'd be able to handle Tuesdays alone cleaning at my house.  But she is.  This week I left 3 bananas hanging on the counter, and when  I got home there were still 3 bananas on the counter.  That is real progress.   

Friday, May 1, 2015

Tough Conversations

Daughter is having a tough time right now.  I think she needs a change in her anti psychoticShe is desperately trying to escape the chaos going on in her own head.  Last weekend she tried to convince me that she should move back to Tiny Village.  She thought she could live on her own there and be happy.  I pointed out that she still wasn't managing to stay out of food.  I explained my theory to her, saying she was trying to get away from her thoughts.

"Mom, they aren't even thoughts.  It's a tangled mess in my brain.  I can't figure it out."  

I told her she had an appointment with Psychiatrist on Monday.  She was furious.  She said Psychiatrist was trying to kill her and was using her as a lab rat for her experiments.  She said the medication was poisoning her, and she needed to get off of all of it.  I asked if she remembered why she had started on medication.  She didn't.  I explained to her that she was afraid of the bathroom.  She thought her brothers were down the drain waiting to suck her in.  The only way she could bathe was if she took a shower with me.  I had to stand between the drain and Daughter to keep her safe.  The only  way she could sleep was if she was on top of me.  I mean full body contact.  Even at 8 she was a big girl, and so I wasn't getting much sleep.  She was terrified of school, as she saw snakes in her desk.  She started her first anti psychotic and I found out how wonderful it was to shower alone.

She listened carefully, and then informed me that we should never have changed her medication.  I told her why we changed it for the first time:  she thought bugs were crawling all over her body.  It was also her first hospitalization.  She was 10.  I suggested she write what she wanted to say to Psychiatrist, so she did.   

Monday she called me.  "Mom, did you know that my appointment is cancelled?  Case Manager is on vacation."  To say I wasn't happy would be an understatement.  I hadn't been notified.  Her program worker had been notified last Thursday.  Her appointment is now May 28.  She is struggling.  She told me yesterday, "Mom, I get upset at little things.  I can't control it.  I'm afraid I'm going to hurt someone."  

Last weekend she told me my voice sounded like I was giving up on her.  I reassured her I will never give up on her, I was just tired.  I am discouraged and frustrated, though.  

Administrative Assistant leaves for vacation tomorrow morning.  She will be gone two weeks.  I will be alone in the office.  I'm not looking forward to that.  

The good stuff:  Easter was wonderful.  Worship attendance is up, and giving is strong.  Daughter has been cooperative and grateful when she's with me.  Last weekend I bought and assembled a new desk that I'm putting in the family room.  I don't do well with paper, so I bought a Scan Snap and am now scanning the piles of paper around the house.  I'm trying to bring some order to my chaos, in the hopes that will reduce my stress.