Friday, May 1, 2015

Tough Conversations

Daughter is having a tough time right now.  I think she needs a change in her anti psychoticShe is desperately trying to escape the chaos going on in her own head.  Last weekend she tried to convince me that she should move back to Tiny Village.  She thought she could live on her own there and be happy.  I pointed out that she still wasn't managing to stay out of food.  I explained my theory to her, saying she was trying to get away from her thoughts.

"Mom, they aren't even thoughts.  It's a tangled mess in my brain.  I can't figure it out."  

I told her she had an appointment with Psychiatrist on Monday.  She was furious.  She said Psychiatrist was trying to kill her and was using her as a lab rat for her experiments.  She said the medication was poisoning her, and she needed to get off of all of it.  I asked if she remembered why she had started on medication.  She didn't.  I explained to her that she was afraid of the bathroom.  She thought her brothers were down the drain waiting to suck her in.  The only way she could bathe was if she took a shower with me.  I had to stand between the drain and Daughter to keep her safe.  The only  way she could sleep was if she was on top of me.  I mean full body contact.  Even at 8 she was a big girl, and so I wasn't getting much sleep.  She was terrified of school, as she saw snakes in her desk.  She started her first anti psychotic and I found out how wonderful it was to shower alone.

She listened carefully, and then informed me that we should never have changed her medication.  I told her why we changed it for the first time:  she thought bugs were crawling all over her body.  It was also her first hospitalization.  She was 10.  I suggested she write what she wanted to say to Psychiatrist, so she did.   

Monday she called me.  "Mom, did you know that my appointment is cancelled?  Case Manager is on vacation."  To say I wasn't happy would be an understatement.  I hadn't been notified.  Her program worker had been notified last Thursday.  Her appointment is now May 28.  She is struggling.  She told me yesterday, "Mom, I get upset at little things.  I can't control it.  I'm afraid I'm going to hurt someone."  

Last weekend she told me my voice sounded like I was giving up on her.  I reassured her I will never give up on her, I was just tired.  I am discouraged and frustrated, though.  

Administrative Assistant leaves for vacation tomorrow morning.  She will be gone two weeks.  I will be alone in the office.  I'm not looking forward to that.  

The good stuff:  Easter was wonderful.  Worship attendance is up, and giving is strong.  Daughter has been cooperative and grateful when she's with me.  Last weekend I bought and assembled a new desk that I'm putting in the family room.  I don't do well with paper, so I bought a Scan Snap and am now scanning the piles of paper around the house.  I'm trying to bring some order to my chaos, in the hopes that will reduce my stress.  

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