14 Hours

Daughter slept 14 hours last night. She seems to be improving, but I'm no longer optimistic that she'll be able to return to the workshop tomorrow. She hasn't been especially demanding or difficult, but even so, I'm very much aware of how much I need her to go to the workshop daily. I need that break from her. I need that time with her gone and someone else responsible for her safety.

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The need to keep her safe from herself adds to the stress of having her home. There are 4 locked areas: a file cabinet with most of the meds, a money box with the weekly meds, a money box in the refrigerator with all the extra insulin, and a larger box with a combination lock that holds the knives and the insulin pouch and keys over night. During the day, I need to make sure the insulin pouch and keys are with me all the time (at least when she's home).

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It's a relatively small thing, but it gets exhausting. All knives have to be washed and returned to the lock box immediately. I have to watch her swallow her pills and inject the insulin I draw up. I need to measure out her food and make sure she is wandering by the refrigerator between authorized meals. I had thought she was becoming more trustworthy in the food department, but have discovered missing food in the last 2 days. I love her dearly, and having her with me 24 hours a day is wearing me out. I will be very grateful when she is healthy enough to go back to the workshop.

Being Sick

Daughter is very seldom sick. Many reactive attachment disorder kids don't get sick. It's weird, but they somehow manage to stay healthy. When they are sick, they don't know how to act. Daughter will insist she isn't sick when she is, and tell me she is sick when she's healthy. It's always been a challenge to discern what's going on with her and when I need to be concerned or take her to the doctor.

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Last night I gave her motrin at bedtime, as her temperature was climbing and I didn't want her to wake up miserable during the night, as Nephew has been. So far today she's been fever free, and she definitely has more energy and more of an appetite. She actually took a shower and got dressed today. She's drinking more today, too. Yesterday I couldn't convince her to drink. Her blood sugars, though, continue to run high. I've been giving her extra insulin, but I don't want to give her too much. To complicate things, I just discovered that she's been into extra food. I once again explained to her that she will recover more quickly with good blood sugars, so she needs to work with me and tell me what she's eating so we can cover it with insulin. Will she remember? Maybe.

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I'm glad we don't have to deal with this very often. I'm also glad she seems to be recovering, in spite of herself.

The Impact of the H1N1 Coverage

Daughter slept all afternoon, and came down around 5:00 and announced she was hungry. Since she hadn't eaten since about 8:30 this morning, I'm not surprised. As we were eating supper, she announced that she was afraid she was going to die. She doesn't watch the news, but she'd seen and heard enough to know that H1N1 is dangerous and people are dying. Far Away Sister tells me that Nephew has repeatedly expressed the concern that he is going to die. He's been sick since Friday. His temperature is beginning to come down, but it was still over 102 this afternoon.

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While it's important to educate the public about the danger of this flu, I think it's a shame that the coverage has resulted in Nephew and Daughter being terrified that they're going to die. It's hard enough being sick without that worry hanging over their heads.

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Today was my day off, and C still came this morning (I warned her Daughter was sick) and we tackled the guest room, which had become a junk room. We've made great progress, but there is still much more to do. Tomorrow Secretary will be in the office. I can't leave Daughter alone for any length of time and I don't want to take her to the church, so I'll be running back and forth and emailing a lot of documents to the church. It's going to be a long week....

A Mild Case

Well, it seems that if Daughter does have H1N1 it is a mild case. Her appetite is down, her blood sugar is slightly elevated, she's coughing, she's running a low grade fever, and she's complaining quite a bit. Last night she came downstairs after she went to bed in a panic, "Mom, my body is on fire! I'm burning up inside! I'm feeling terrible!"

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Her skin felt cooler to me, but I stuck the thermometer into her mouth. Her temperature was 98.5. "You're temperature is down to normal. You're getting better."

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"Oh. Then why am I so hot?"

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"Take some of the blankets off your bed."

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"But then I'll be cold."

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"Take one off, leave one on, and if you get cold pull the other one back on."

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She vanished back up the stairs not to be heard from until morning.

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She had her normal breakfast, but has yet to eat lunch, and it's now almost 3:00. She'll be down when she gets hungry. I'll keep her home tomorrow, and the workshop is closed on Wednesday. Hopefully she'll be able to go back on Thursday.

H1N1

Far Away Sister took her kids to get the H1N1 shot Thursday after school. Friday Nephew stayed home with a cough. By evening, he had a fever of over 103. According to the doctor, he has a relatively mild case, but Far Away Sister is having to give him both motrin and tylenol to keep his fever down. He's been pretty miserable. They are sanitizing everything and getting everything for him to keep him from touching anything.

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So this afternoon I was talking to Far Away Sister and commented that Daughter was upstairs coughing. She said, "Uh-oh." By supper time Daughter was leaning against me and felt hot to me. I had her check her temperature, and texted the result to Far Away Sister-- 99.8. She called immediately. It's exactly the way Nephew's illness started. Daughter had her head in my lap and was coughing. Far Away Sister said she sounded like Nephew. I'm running through my schedule in my mind, trying to figure out how much I"m going to have to cancel this week. Daughter is already telling me how much her chest hurts when she coughs. She will be a terrible patient. It will be a challenge showing sympathy to someone who is so dramatic . I'm taking it one day at a time, which means I have 3 commitments for tomorrow that will probably need to be cancelled. Far Away Sister helpfully pointed out that the side effects of Tamiflu include psychosis and suicidal thoughts. One day at a time.

Peace (At Least Temporarily)

Daughter sat down and on her own came up with a list of reasons she deserved to have good things in her life. Once she had come up with her list, she calmed down and apparently the voices stopped. She was able to do a few chores and for a while she sat next to me with her head on my shoulder. The peace that came over her was truly amazing.

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She went to bed, and probably slept well. I went to bed and had weird dreams all night long. When she gets into bad places and starts raging and hearing voices, I end up exhausted. I always struggle with when it is time to take her to the hospital. When do I call Psychiatrist about a medication change? What do we try to work through at home? What could I do differently to prevent her from becoming psychotic to begin with? Is there anything I can do? Of course, according to D, all I have to do is get her off the medication and stop having those counselors talk to her about her past abuse....

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One of the things I realized last night is that by locking up the medication and insulin, I have taken away one of her coping mechanisms. It used to be that when the voices started up and she felt the need to hurt herself, she could take extra insulin. The resulting low met that need. Now, she can't get at any of the easy ways to hurt herself. I need to remember to remind her of some of the other things that Therapist suggested she do when she feels the need hurt herself. For now, I will enjoy the peace and hope that it continues when I wake her up in a few minutes.

No Good Deed....

With Daughter, it truly is true that no good deed goes unpunished. She is currently outside supposedly calling the police to come throw her in jail where she belongs. She's threatened to do that before, but tonight she is so out of control she just might follow through.

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She had a good night last night, in which I did some really nice things for her in fixing the supper she wanted for her date. I should have known that today would be a rough day for her, but I wasn't thinking, so I decided to relax her hair. That's two hours of intense together time that ends up with her having beautiful, straight hair. All the good overwhelmed her, and she became scared and began acting out.

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She came back in the house without having called the police. She wants help. The voices are telling her to hurt herself. She doesn't want to go back to the hospital. She acknowledges that I am right in my analysis, but she's resisting writing down the reasons why she deserves to have good things happen to her, because she either can't do it or it won't help. It could be a very long evening.

"It's Me"

I had three phone calls from Daughter yesterday. I was going to be doing errands in Town yesterday afternoon, so I told her I'd pick her up early from the workshop. I figured that would make it easier for her to get through the day. I also wanted her home a little earlier so she could help with the final clean-up in preparation for her date.

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The first call was fine, but the second 2 came while I was at lunch with a colleague and she was teary and wanting me to come get her. I gave her my standard pep talk about how she was doing well and could make it through the day. I've been giving her that pep talk a couple of times a day for a couple of weeks now. I had hoped the increase in meds would eliminate the need for the pep talk, but it didn't. I was a little concerned that even knowing I was picking her up and she had a date that night wasn't enough to get her through the day. Usually, when she calls with her tears and pathetic voice, she blames something that is going on at the workshop. Someone is bothering her, or her blood sugars are out of whack (which they usually aren't), or some other minor excuse.

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When I picked her up yesterday, I asked her what had been going on that she needed to call me. Because she was interrupting my lunch, I had not given her time to tell me the whole sad tale, I'd gone right into my pep talk. In response to my question, she responded that she didn't know what had caused her problems, nothing had been going on at the workshop. She ended with, "It's me."

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While it's good that she's not blaming her problems on others, it's concerning that even with a short day and something to look forward to she still struggles to make it through the day. There are times when I wonder why, like with her blood sugars, there isn't a blood test that would determine what chemicals are off in her brain and enable Psychiatrist to find the right balance of meds for her. Maybe someday....

The Date

Daughter had her date tonight. I made meatloaf, mashed potatoes and gravy, broccoli and brownies for them. Daughter set the table in the dining room, and the two of them ate there. Then they sat on the living room couch and watched Bruce Almighty. This was different from other times she's had guys over. NG and Daughter have been friends for quite a while. They talk. They've always talked, even when they were "dating" different people. They talked, and laughed, and obviously enjoyed being together. After the movie, he left. She snuggled against him for the movie, and they kissed on the front porch. She has thanked me several times for cooking for them. She is so happy.

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Will this relationship last? I doubt it. But hopefully they will have some fun before it's over.

Accentuate the Positive

I'm trying to remember the song that has that line-- accentuate the positive. It will probably be bugging me all day now.... Yesterday, in the midst of her frustrations with the chores she had to do and my corrections of it (clean mirrors aren't streaked), Daughter went outside for something. There was excitement in her voice as she called, "Mom, come here! Come quick!" She wanted me to come outside and see the sunset with her. It was beautiful. I thanked her for sharing it with me. I was delighted that in the midst of her struggles, she was able to see and appreciate the beauty of creation.

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This morning I could smell her before she even came downstairs. She put on perfume. She fussed with her hair. She has a date tonight. Nice Boy (NB) is coming over for supper and a movie. He wanted to take her to a football game (but I think the season is over), but I said that before they could go out together they needed to hang out here at the house a few times until everyone was comfortable with the situation. Neither one of them objected. I've met NB's mom through Special Olympics, and I like her. NB has some challenges with anger management, but he's a great improvement over Flasher and some of her previous boyfriends. I will be surprised if their relationship lasts long enough for them to get to going out on dates together, but we'll see. For today, she is very happy. They have ordered meatloaf, mashed potatoes, corn, and a chocolate dessert for supper. I have a lunch date with a colleague today, and after that I'll stop by the nursing home and then pick Daughter up so she can go to the grocery store with me and come home and help me get ready. She's so excited. No one could say she's over medicated today!

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Okay, I went on line and found the video of the song. Now maybe I'll be able to get some work done.

People Who Don't Understand

A woman, D, stopped by the church this morning while Secretary and I were working in the office. Somehow, the conversation got around to Daughter. She informed me it was obvious that Daughter was on too much medication and I needed to stop taking her to all these counselors and psychiatrists who just stirred up things that happened when she was too young to remember.

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I foolishly tried to explain and defend Daughter's needs and treatment. D is never going to understand, and she'll always be convinced that I am creating Daughter's problems.

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I struggle with the amount of medication Daughter is on. I held off doing anything about her downward spiral because I knew it would mean more medication. She is having tremors, and the Psychiatrist has said if they are too bad we can give her a medication to stop the tremors. I don't want to put her on more medication to counter side effects of other medications. I also don't want her hearing voices instructing her to kill people. I don't know what was talked about while she was in the hospital, but I know that neither Psychiatrist or Therapist are talking to her about her past abuse. Both are focused on giving her the tools she needs to improve her functioning.

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I know I'm doing a good job with Daughter. I know that I'm making the best of a difficult situation. I know that I have rejected medical professionals who didn't understand her needs and been willing to drive great distances to find her the help she needs. I know that I am good at recognizing and stopping her manipulations. I also know I'm not perfect. So why do I feel the need to defend myself?

Triggers

As I have thought more about anniversary reactions such as Daughter has every fall, I've realized that this year her reaction was made much worse by Dad's death on September 29. As the anniversary of the disintegration of her birth family approached, her grandfather died, and died before she had time to properly grieve and recover from her grandmother's death June 9.

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I told Therapist yesterday that I think she's still in the downward spiral, but the hospitalization rewound it a bit so she's in a better place than she was before she went in. When Therapist came out to get her, Daughter was sleeping with her head on my shoulder. She told Therapist she's overwhelmed. Therapist worked with her on breaking down the things that were overwhelming her with pieces of clay. She also told Therapist that the only place she feels safe is with me at home. Therapist succeeded in lifting her mood some, and she was more cooperative when we got home.

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Mom's birthday is at Thanksgiving, so I fear that Daughter will continue to struggle with anniversary issues and her grief for a while yet. I bought some playdough yesterday, so my hope is that next time she is overwhelmed she can use that to break it down into manageable pieces. Of course, the challenge with Daughter has always been that something like that only works one time, and then we have to find a new trick....