Reclaiming My Inner Klutz

This morning's walk was interrupted when I tripped over a tree root and fell. I saved my face, but hit my knee pretty hard. I'm sore and stiff, but don't have any major injuries. I'm grateful I have strong bones. It's amazing I've never broken anything all the times I've fallen.
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After resting a minute, I was able to get up and walk back to the car. The walk wasn't as long as we'd planned, obviously. I haven't told Daughter, and hopefully I won't limp tomorrow. She is terrified that I'm going to fall and be seriously hurt.
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I'm glad she isn't living here right now. I have more aches and pains these days, and she'd be hovering, wondering if I was okay. She picks up on everything.

Slowed Down

It's been a busy week. Today intestinal issues slowed me down. I didn't go to the meeting 70 miles away this afternoon, and I'm not taking Daughter to choir tonight. Initially, I thought it was stress related. But the issues are moving up, and I skipped supper tonight. Administrative Assistant told me I wasn't myself-- just seemed sluggish today. Felt sluggish, too.
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Daughter came home in a mood. I checked her pills, and she didn't get her evening pills on the 3rd and 4th. Pretty basic stuff. I'll send off another email. Sigh.

"Come Get Me Now!"

"Come get me now!" Daughter shouted at me when I answered her call yesterday evening.
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"Why? What's wrong?"
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"R is sick and she can't stop coughing and she's throwing up."
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I explained that was one of the challenges with living as a group. I suggested she wash her hands frequently if she was concerned about getting sick, and turn on her music if she didn't want to hear.
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I don't think that was the response she wanted.

Health

This morning I had an EGD (scope down my esophagus into my stomach) done. I was diagnosed with GERD several years ago, and before we moved I began to have difficulty swallowing. I felt like food was getting stuck, so I went in for an EGD. They stretched my esophagus, but there was so much scar tissue they couldn't stretch it completely. I was feeling like food was getting stuck again, so I got a referral to a GI specialist here, and the EGD was scheduled for today. I also had a barium study done a couple of weeks ago. I have some blood work I still need to get done.

There were no big major problems today, but there were a number of little things. The anesthesiologist circled some things on my EKG. I asked what he was circling and he said I wasn't supposed to see that. He then asked if I'd had a stress test, and I told him I'd not only had a stress test, I'd had a catheterization and it was fine. He said that was good, then asked how long ago that was.

The GI doctor wanted to know about my scleroderma. My blood work is positive for progressive systemic scleroderma, but the rheumatologist wasn't sure it was accurate, as she didn't see any symptoms of the disease. The GI doctor assured me it was accurate. So I just did some research, and discovered that scleroderma can cause these issues with the esophagus. I didn't like what I read about the prognosis.

Over the years I have neglected my own health because I was spending so much time transporting Daughter to various specialists. I'd ignore my own problems. When I got to the point I was afraid to go to sleep because I kept waking up gasping for breath I finally went in for a sleep study. I've used a cpap machine faithfully since that time. It seems that I'm now seeing the results of delaying and neglecting my health now. Getting older doesn't help, either.

Administrative Assistant was going to pick me up (because I can't drive for 24 hours) for a Shrove Tuesday potluck at one of our sister churches. I just called and told her I'm not going to try to go. I'm tired, and once the numbing stuff wore off, my throat began to hurt. Maybe it's time I began to listen to my body. Hopefully it's not too late.

Daughter's Physical

Daughter had a physical today, including pelvic and breast exam. It was very hard on her. Fortunately I was there to comfort her. As I was driving to her doctor's appointment, she called to have me tell staff where her appointment was. They didn't even know where they were taking her. I consider it a miracle they were only 3 minutes late getting her there. Her blood work was excellent, so that's good. Over all, I think she's doing well. She insisted she was depressed, but I pointed out to her that I thought she was disappointed. The excitement of the move is over and now she's dealing with the reality of it. She readily agreed. I don't think she's depressed because she can still laugh and tease. She still has joy in her life. So I'm not concerned about the depression.
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Instead of eating a sandwich at my desk tonight, I'm going to go sit down in a restaurant and eat a real meal before my evening meeting today. Another good, busy day.

Joys and Frustrations

This has been a great week at the church. Sister Best Friend and I planned worship themes through the end of April. Administrative Assistant is already working on the graphics for the series we're doing during Lent. We're really excited about the plans. The last two days the church has been full-- we've had about 10 men downstairs painting the main hall. Several women have been working on center pieces for the fellowship meal Sunday, and the centerpieces are going to be amazing. It's great to see the energy and enthusiasm.
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I had a conference yesterday, and it was wonderful. I have gained some insights into the way I work. One of the shifts I'm going to make is that I'm going to plan on doing housework in the morning rather than the evening. I have more energy in the morning. It's easier for me to get up at 5:00 to clean the bathrooms than to do them in the evening. I'm also going to start back walking.
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Wednesday evening I received a phone call from Daughter's doctor's office reminding me of her appointment today. I had her down for an appointment next Friday. So before I went to the conference yesterday morning, I called the doctor's office. The group home had scheduled her for a physical. Of course, they hadn't told me, hadn't prepared Daughter, and hadn't gotten her fasting blood work done. I wasn't going to be available, and I knew that would be hard on Daughter. So I sent off an email to the team, letting them know all of this and asking what was going on. I also explained I was at a conference and would not be available all day, though I'd try to check email at breaks. No response from the group home, but Nurse, Case Manager, and Program Manager were all very concerned. Program Manager needed to know if someone was going to be picking her p from program for the appointment, because she'd have to change staffing because everyone was scheduled to be off-site. Case Manager called Home Manager. Nurse called Home Manager's Supervisor. No one from the home responded to messages.
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When there was no response by afternoon, I sent off another email. Program Manager asked if she needed to cancel a meeting so she could stay behind with Daughter. More calls were made. The Home Manager for the men's home next door called and rescheduled the doctor's appointment for Wednesday at 1:00, and then called and interrupted my conference. I told her I couldn't guarantee my availability and didn't have my calendar in front of me. She couldn't understand why I didn't know my availability. Sigh. Anyway, she called back after I checked my calendar and I decided to adjust my schedule so I can be at the appointment. (There are several issues that need to be addressed with the doctor, and I don't have much confidence in the group home staff, for some strange reason.)
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Daughter was here last night so I told her about the doctor's appointment and that they would be taking her for a fasting blood test tomorrow. Daughter was excited to see Sister Best Friend. She was happy. She was singing this morning as she waited for the bus. This morning Home Manager emailed. She was "unexpectedly" not in at all yesterday.
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She's a little frustrated tonight for a variety of reasons. Last month she didn't get her spending money because they claimed I was supposed to give it to the home instead of sending it to the administrative offices. So this month I wrote a separate check and took it to the home. Actually, I did that a couple of weeks ago. So Daughter wanted money to go out to breakfast tomorrow after her blood work. They haven't cashed the check. Apparently they took her to a bank this afternoon to cash it, but it's made out to the home, not her, so she couldn't cash it. She's frustrated, to say the least. She's also a little anxious because I won't be there for her blood work tomorrow. I pointed out I haven't gone in with her for years. "Yes, but I always know you're right out in the waiting room." I expressed confidence in her ability to handle it. It's too bad there wasn't more time to prepare her for this.
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I ended up spending most of the day at the church today. Several people pointed out it was supposed to be my day off, but with the holiday Monday and the conference yesterday, I had things I wanted to get done. Working today was worth it, because the worship planning we did will make the next few weeks much less stressful. There have been frustrations with the group home, but the joy and freedom to live my life is so much greater.

2012

Yesterday I was walking with one of the saints, who had a friend along from out of town. Her friend is a personal trainer. I asked how she got into it, and she explained she'd lost 200 lbs. I asked how she'd done it, and she said she got out of a stressful situation. I'm sure there was more involved than that, but I am hoping that this year will be a year when I will lose weight.
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A colleague, who is very much into fitness and running, sent me a flyer about a 10 week program for women over 50 that culminates with walking or running a 5K in March. They meet twice a week. I looked at my calendar, and I think I can make it work. I'll miss the last few Wednesday evenings because of Lent, but I won't have a problem making the Saturdays.
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I'm feeling like Daughter has made the transition, and is settling in well at the group home. We are having another pleasant visit. She is happier and more relaxed. Which certainly cuts down on my stress. I suspect I'll still take on more than I should at the church. I love what I'm doing, though, so for the most part I find ministry energizing. I had a conversation this morning with a woman who is struggling with her husband's advancing dementia. Of course she insists she will never put him in a home. I talked to one of the medical social workers in the congregation, who called me this afternoon with a list of resources and numbers. I need to find a time to continue the conversation. It's going to be a busy month, and I'm looking forward to jumping in.

Dragging

I was in bed at 6:00 yesterday evening, and after 12 hours of sleep, I'm still dragging today. Tonight we meet to finalize the budget for 2012. Our stewardship campaign resulted in a nice increase in pledges, but we did a challenge budget, so we will have to do some cutting to balance the budget for next year. I think I'll go home and get a nap before the meeting-- it could be interesting and I will need to be at my best. In the past, the treasurer has taken recommendations to the finance committee. The finance committee has sent his recommendations to the board, and the board has approved those recommendations. I discovered this year that the treasurer and administrative assistant are the only ones who really understand the budget.
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This year, the committee leaders will meet to negotiate the cuts that need to be made with the finance committee. In January, the treasurer will go in and meet with each committee to explain their budget to them. The committee leaders will get reports on their line item budgets every month. It's part of communicating and equipping leaders, two of our priorities for this year.
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I'm beginning to make changes in the way things are done. For the most part, the congregation has been open to them. I don't generally think of administration as one of my strengths, but as I look at the changes I've made this year, I'm reassessing my perception of my strengths. We have made a number of changes to reduce costs and increase efficiency in the office. There will be more changes coming.
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We are moving forward as a congregation, and I am moving forward as an empty nester. I'm excited to see what the coming year will bring us.

A Movie

I took Daughter to see a movie this afternoon. It is obvious that she is struggling right now. She doesn't know what she wants. I asked what goals she had for our upcoming meeting to set her case plan for the year. She wants to get her own place. I don't know if she understands how much she has to do before we can even talk about her living independently. I tried to engage her in a conversation about it, but she didn't want to talk about it. She was less offensive today, but I didn't feel like I connected with her.
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I'm supposed to be headed to a party with colleagues right now, but I don't know if I'm going to make it. I'm sticking pretty close to the bathroom. I may just curl up and go to sleep. This is going to be a very busy week,and getting some extra rest before I jump into it might be a good idea.

Sleep Studies and Daughter's Frustration

I had a sleep study last night to determine pressure for a new cpap machine. I've used my cpap machine faithfully for over 6 years, so I guess it was time for a new one. After being trained on the new one this morning, I suspect the pressure on the old one had dropped over the years. If that's the case, my sleep should improve with the new machine.
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It took two nights at the sleep center to determine that I still need the pressure set at 13. I asked the technician if people commonly needed the same pressure on repeat studies. She said that unless there has been a lot of weight loss or some other change, the pressure rarely changes more than 1. It seems like a pretty expensive way to find out there hasn't been a change. The first night was over $1,000.
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Daughter called yesterday evening. She was mad because there was a man visiting. She told the staff that she was uncomfortable, but they wouldn't make him leave. I informed her that she was going to have to learn to deal with men visiting, and if it made her uncomfortable, she should remove herself from the situation by going to her room or the loft area. She didn't like that, so she informed me she would see me Sunday and hung up on me. She hasn't called today. Her frustration at her inability to hook me has been growing. It will be interesting to see how long it takes for her to call, and if she'll continue trying to hook me. For now, I'm enjoying a break. I suspect she'll end up coming Thursday night for choir, but if she doesn't, that's fine, too.

Action

Daughter was supposed to have an appointment with Psychiatrist tomorrow, but it was cancelled. Case Manager sent an email to the entire team, which prompted a series of emails. Daughter complained to Program Manager about how the home was out of one of her mood stabilizers and they have had problems getting her prescriptions in a timely manner. Home Manager complained about the new pharmacy. I chimed in and said I'd gone to the local pharmacy to get a prescription filled over the weekend since the agency pharmacy said my insurance wouldn't cover one of her meds. I said the medication issues were damaging Daughter's sense of safety at her placement.
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Nurse was in on the emails, and was outraged. She marched down the hall to the pharmacy, and informed them of how things would be. When a house orders a medication, it is to be filled and delivered that day. She is going to further investigate, and has promised to get to the bottom of it and see that it doesn't happen again. I believe her.
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On the health front, I had a rough night and morning. Beginning to eat yesterday started up the intestinal misery again. I went into the office today, but I cancelled appointments away from the church, and didn't move around much. Administrative Assistant came to me, I didn't go to her.
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Things are going well at the church. It looks like the results of the stewardship drive will be good. We aren't going to meet the challenge budget, but given the current state of the economy, we are delighted to see a healthy increase in giving, including a number of new pledges. The new board members were at last night's board meeting. They are a good group of people, and I'm looking forward to working with them. Almost all of them are serving on the board for the first time, which is good.
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We were looking for the large manger the church has to put it in the spiritual house we built this fall. A couple of the board members knew exactly where it was this fall, but it has mysteriously vanished. One of them came back and looked some more today, and when he couldn't locate it, he went home and built a new one.
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We have ordered a new phone system. We have one that was used when it was installed a number of years ago. It is not digital, and we can't change the programming on it. It takes forever to get to voice mail on it. The new one will enable us to use caller ID and will have many nice features, including a cordless phone for when we're out of the office doing things elsewhere in the building.
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We will also be adding some insulation before the end of the year, which should solve a problem we've been having with ice dams. This summer we're going to host a traveling day camp run by the church camp Daughter attended last summer. We're very excited about this opportunity to reach out to the children in our community. We have a number of members who mentor children in the elementary school, so we will invite those children and offer them scholarships to attend.
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I came home this afternoon and brought the Christmas tree upstairs. It is up and ready for ornaments. I may add those later this evening, or I may wait until tomorrow. I did the outside decorations on Saturday. Sunday and Monday were lost, but my goal is to do something every day. I'm doing a Christmas open house on December 18th, so I need to begin getting ready for it.

A Lost Day

I lost yesterday. I had a stomach bug. I'll spare you the details. Somehow I made it through worship. I then took Daughter back to her home, driving through to pick her up a hamburger on the way, and then I came home and collapsed on the couch, wrapped in a comforter. I made frequent trips to the bathroom and sipped some water occasionally. Around 7:00 I rallied enough to call a friend and ask her to bring me some ginger ale. She works as a nurse in a doctor's office. She told me there is a stomach bug going around that lasts for several days. That was not good news. Around 10:00 I had a piece of toast and went to bed.
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Sometime yesterday afternoon I had a call from the home. Daughter wanted to go to urgent care. She had a red spot on her back that was itching. I said, "Absolutely not! She's upset because I'm sick. Tell her you're sorry she has a red spot that itches. Tell her I said to wipe it off with an alcohol prep and that will help the itching."
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Daughter called in the evening. She really wanted to be at home taking care of me. All that would have done is added to my stress. When I get sick, it's very hard on her. She panics.
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This morning I'm feeling better. I had some chicken noodle soup for breakfast, and came in a little late. I'll probably go home and take a nap this afternoon, since I have a board meeting tonight. Hopefully by tomorrow I'll be fully recovered.

Pink Eye

Daughter came out this morning and pointed to her right eye, which was very pink and irritated. I wanted to cry. I ran through my calendar, and was glad that the couple I was going to visit today had cancelled. As soon as the doctor's office opens, I'll call to get her an appointment. Depending on when I can get an appointment, I may have to cancel my 1:00 meeting about the prayer chain. I called and cancelled her bus transportation.
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Daughter was supposed to go with Case Manager to see the group home today. Instead, she's on the love seat in my study, sleeping. It could be a very long day....

Saturday Morning with Daughter

Daughter is doing her best to frustrate me this morning. We had fasting blood draws this morning, and she needed a lithium level 12 hours after she took her last lithium. As we headed out she informed me she wasn't walking with the Walk Saint this morning. She had too much to do at home. When I asked her what she had to do at home, she got angry. I reminded her that every Saturday she tells me she's not going to walk, and every Saturday, she walks and has fun.
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Yeah, that's because I'm forced to have fun."
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"Really? Can I learn how to force you to have fun?"
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"No, you have to be (she listed unique characteristics of Walk Saint)."
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Her period started over night, and the doctor had ordered another urinalysis, because the last one showed a lot of protein, but had been contaminated by the fact she was on her period (which I didn't realize when I took her for the tests). I looked over the lab orders (three different orders from two different doctors, each with unique items and common items). I gave the lab all three orders, but asked to hold the urinalysis until she was off her period. The clerk tried to convince me that it didn't matter that she was on her period. I assured her it did, so under protest she ended up giving me a cup to bring home for when she's done with her period.
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After the blood work we went across the street to a diner for breakfast. Daughter sat there pouting. She couldn't eat anything, she was too sick. The low murmur of adult conversation was too loud for her. I asked the waitress to come back 2 or 3 times. Daughter went from not being too sick to eat to wanting the largest breakfast on the menu: 4 eggs, ham, bacon, sausage, potatoes, and toast. I finally convinced her that 2 eggs, one meat, potatoes and toast would be a better choice.
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When the food arrived, she cleaned her plate very quickly, of course. On the drive home she repeated her insistence she wasn't going for a walk this morning. I ignored her. When Walk Saint showed up (with her dog that starts barking with joy when they turn down our street because she gets to see Daughter), Daughter said she wasn't going. I informed her she was. She stormed out the door, yelling at me, "You owe me!"
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Actually, I think I owe Walk Saint. Sister Best Friend gave me a plaque she bought me while she was on vacation. It says, "Spare me the Drama." I think I may use it to beat some sense into Daughter. I had planned to go do some thing fun today, but if she's still in a foul mood when she gets home, we'll be staying home. I'll send her to the basement or her bedroom....

Headache

Last night, as a meeting I had wound down, Daughter was doubled over with pain. She almost had me convinced something was seriously wrong. I promised her something for the pain when we got home, and she insisted it wouldn't work and she couldn't take it because of her other medications. I began to wonder if she was having a brain aneurysm or something. Outside I was calm, but inside I was pondering a trip to the ER. We got home and she put on her PJ's and took her pills, including Tylenol. I gave her a snack, but she tried to convince me she was too sick to eat it. I turned on the TV to catch the Sing Off, and miraculously, her pain was forgotten.

I live in fear that someday I won't get her the treatment she needs, because I won't believe her when she tries to convince me she's dying. We've talked about this numerous times. I've told her the story of the boy who cried wolf numerous times. Sometimes, though, I feel like I'm beating my head against a solid brick wall. I should be the one with the headache.

Marathon Sunday

This morning was the first morning that I taught adult education at 8:30 (worship is at 10:00). It has turned into a marathon day. Daughter is napping on the love seat in my study, and I'm taking a short break before getting into the next task.

I had the sermon outlined and the powerpoint started when I left Thursday. Since I was so confident, I didn't look at it again until late yesterday afternoon, when I discovered a computer crash had erased all I had done. So, I rewrote the sermon and struggled to remember who had posted the quote on facebook that I had wanted to use (I finally remembered and found the quote on her wall). When went to bed (late) last night. The sermon had been rewritten, and I'd pulled a bunch of images for the powerpoint, though they weren't yet in order.

Overnight I realized I needed to rework the middle section of the sermon. I was up before 5:00 this morning. I reworked the sermon, and then showered, dressed, and did hair and make-up. I was to the church by 7:00. I finalized the powerpoint and put it on a flash drive which I placed on the AV desk for the AV people to find. I was downstairs setting up the portable projector for adult ed when someone came to get me. There were two men who wanted to speak to me. They wanted me to write a letter to my Senators about a situation in an Iraqi refugee camp. Both of them had family members in the camp. They had letters ready for my signature, but I told them I wanted to put it in my own words. Since they were presenting the letters tomorrow, I promised to have them ready this afternoon.

After a quick fast food lunch, we came back to the church so I could write the letters and get ready for nominating committee this evening. After the men pick up the letter I will drop Daughter off with one of the saints and go lead worship at the nursing home. Usually, Daughter goes with me, but I decided it would be best not to take her into the nursing home when she has a cold. I'll pick her up after worship and come back to the church to train the nominating committee. If that goes well, we should get home about 5:00.

Now it's back to work. Usually my Sundays aren't quite this busy. This is going to be a very busy week, so I want to get a head start on it today. Fortunately, Daughter is cooperating. I'm grateful.

A Bad Combination

While Daughter has improved, she still is running on the manic side. She also has a cold. The result has not been pleasant. She's irritable. She doesn't feel good, but she wants to do things. So she went between telling me she was sick to do anything and insisting I had to take her out to do something exciting or let her undertake a big project. It was not fun.

I am concerned about sending her to respite Tuesday. She was sobbing and asking not to go to the new place today. She wondered why she just couldn't go with me. I'm feeling very torn about the whole thing. I wish she were a little more stable. Hopefully she'll be recovering from her cold by Tuesday. Hopefully.

Group Homes and Progress

Yesterday morning I checked out two more group homes. We walked into the first and were overwhelmed by the odor. The owner has cats, and apparently doesn't clean the litter box regularly. We were shown two empty beds, both in shared rooms. One was adjacent to an outside door. The other was shoved against the wall with 2 feet of open closet and enough space to walk beside it. The owner didn't want Daughter moving in, though even if she had, we wouldn't have let her. The other residents are older and are all content to set around watching TV all the time.

The second place has 12 residents. There are two rooms that might be coming open. The first was right next door to a young man and very close to a not well secured kitchen. Not going to work. The second room had potential. The downstairs had 6 bedrooms, and all the residents downstairs are women. They have 2 cats at the house. The common areas are larger than we've seen at other homes (who try to cram in as many beds as possible so they can make more money. I've decided that home is an opportunity. They had poster boards with pictures of various activities they had gone to as a home. On one of the boards I saw a familiar face: a friend and colleague. Daughter knows him. The staff member said he comes and visits them, and some of the residents go to his church (where Daughter and I have been). I will see him Tuesday, so I will be asking his opinion of that particular group home. There aren't any openings right now, though, so we're back to waiting. There is also a woman close to Daughter's age at that facility.

Daughter continues to improve. The current challenge is she has a cold. When she has a cold, she tends to be very dramatic about how much she is suffering. I decided I wanted an omelet for breakfast this morning, and I didn't want to cook. I told her if she was up and dressed in 10 minutes, I'd take her to breakfast. When we got to the restaurant she pushed the menu away. "I can't eat" I didn't respond, so she picked out an omelet she wanted.

When the food came, she complained that the cheese in the omelet wasn't real cheddar. I didn't respond. She ate the potatoes, and then dramatically pushed her plate away. I ignored her. She pulled the plate back and ate most of the omelet. She told me she was too sick to walk today, and she needed to go to the store to get ingredients for the supper she wants to make tonight. I informed her that if she was too sick to walk, she's too sick too cook. She has decided she's going to go for a walk....

Still Struggling

Yesterday I picked Daughter up at her program for an appointment with Therapist at 4:00. When she finished, we went to a fast food restaurant for supper and then came straight to the church for Bible Study. It was about 8:30 when we got home. She did well until she hit the car after Bible study, and the meltdowns began. I think the day was too long and too much for her. She is doing much better, but still can't handle a very long day. She was away from home for almost 14 hours yesterday.

In other news, I tripped over an uneven spot in the sidewalk as I was finishing my morning walk. I hit my knee and hands hard. I don't think I did any major damage, but I'm sitting with my leg elevated and ice on my knee. I suspect I will be very stiff and sore tomorrow morning. I may have to skip the walk for a day or two. As Administrative Assistant pointed out, at least I have tomorrow off to recover....

Fall

There is a hint of fall in the air. A few trees have begun to change color, and the temperature is dropping into the 50's at night. Today's high was only going to be 74, so I opened all the windows. There are lots of trees in my neighborhood, so I'm enjoying the sound of the wind in the trees and the breeze coming in the windows. I can hear the birds and the neighbor kids playing touch football. I love fall.
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After worship today Daughter and I went out to eat, again sharing a meal. From there we went to the farmer's market, and then the grocery store. By the time we got to the grocery store, we both were experiencing some major intestinal discomfort. We finished quickly and came home. Daughter took off her dress, put on her nightgown and went to bed. I called the woman who was going to go to the nursing home for worship with us this afternoon and asked her to handle the service. I was grateful for her willingness to step in on very short notice.
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Daughter slept all afternoon, but is now up and had some supper. I'm grateful that are suffering was limited to one end, and didn't last very long. I don't think we'll be going back to that restaurant anytime soon....