More Blessings

I had a bunch of folks here today to help me. The house is coming together very nicely. The only room that is still a total disaster (other than the garage) is the guest room/office. We continue to toss and donate. Initially I was afraid I had too much furniture, but I am now confident that it will all fit. The living room and family room are showing promise. About all that is left to do is add some art. The kitchen is also coming along nicely.

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The one worry I had had about home ownership was snow removal. They just passed a stricter ordinance with heavier fines if snow isn't removed from the sidewalk within 24 hours. This morning I realized that the sidewalks in my neighborhood are on the other side of the street. I don't have a sidewalk to shovel. The town doesn't care if my driveway isn't clear.

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My new refrigerator and freezer arrived today. I now have all the food that tempts Daughter safely locked away. Daughter was getting overwhelmed today, so I sent her to a quiet place to watch DVD's on her portable player. She also took a nap. I was able to prevent a meltdown.

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I had to move my car for the delivery people, so I parked it several houses down the street (my driveway and much of the street were taken up with the vehicles of those who came to help). A little girl came over to ask me where I was going. I had noticed that someone else had a car just like mine on the street, and it turned out it was her family. I was alarmed by how friendly and inquisitive she was. She wanted to know if I had any candy. She wanted to see the inside of my car. She looked in the backseat and climbed in for a closer look. Her older sister came over. Finally, her grandmother came out. I introduced myself to the grandmother. They are raising their 3 grandchildren. That's the second family (of the four I've met) that is dealing with kids from the system.

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I continue to feel very blessed.

Exhaustion

The movers began unloading at 10:00 this morning. I was on my feet and up and down on a step ladder until we got to the cell phone store a little after 5:00. The store was busy, and so there was no place to sit as we waited. I leaned against a post and realized I was exhausted. My entire body is sore, but especially my feet.

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Lots of people stopped by today. When the one man showed up, Daughter tore down the hall to give him a big hug. He and his wife took her home to meet their cat during the open house. I had 4 women come to help me in the kitchen. Since I could reach 3 shelves in my old kitchen I really wasn't aware of what I had. Today I got rid of a bunch of glasses and mugs. More will go as I continue to unpack. I thought I had gotten rid of stuff, but there were still over 140 boxes that came off the truck today. I think they multiplied after they put them in there. The rooms are smaller. I still may decide I need to get rid of some furniture.

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I had hoped most of the unpacking would be done by the weekend. That may have been overly optimistic, but then again, I have more people coming tomorrow to help, so maybe we will be done. As soon as my linens are through washing, I'm going to make my bed and get in it. Daughter has done pretty well today. She worked on her room and the bathroom. Our new refrigerator and freezer arrive tomorrow morning. The movers took the old refrigerator to the basement, so we are getting our exercise.

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At some point, I need to write a sermon for Sunday. Minor details.

Feeling Tall

The parsonage was built in 1900. It had very high ceilings. The kitchen cabinets were tall, and had been mounted high. I could reach the bottom shelf, and if I really stretched, the things at the front of the second shelf. I had a 2 step ladder, but when I moved to Tiny Village I took that one upstairs for the linen closet and purchased a 3 step ladder for the kitchen.

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The cabinets here are mounted at a more reasonable height, and I can easily reach the first two shelves. Yesterday Daughter, who is 5' 6" tall (5" taller than I am), stood in the middle of the kitchen and looked around. "I feel tall," she informed me. I looked around. I feel tall, too.

Our New Home

We arrived a little after 5:00. Our belongings will arrive after 9:00 tomorrow morning. The house looks beautiful. I'll take some pictures tomorrow and post them (I hope). There were flowers and a welcome note on the card table I had brought last time. Daughter took the note and put it on the refrigerator.

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Daughter's room really does look good. She walked into it and started to cry. "This is the first time I've been able to pick the colors for my bedroom." When we were in inner city, I chose the colors for her room when we moved into the house. She was 4 years old and pretty much nonverbal at that time. I painted it a pale gray and put up a bright balloon border. When she was 9, we moved into the parsonage. We had no choice on colors there.

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We have unpacked everything we brought in the car and all the boxes the men brought when they came down last week. There are lots of books on the family room bookshelves now. One of the members stopped by to check on us this evening and make sure everything was okay. I told him everything is wonderful!

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PA brought brownies this morning, and we brought the remainders with us. I put them in the pantry and locked them, feeling a huge sense of relief that Daughter would not be able to get into them. I was telling the member about this, and Daughter was standing beside me. "That's why I couldn't find them!" She'd already been looking for them to eat them. Thursday our new refrigerator arrives, and I bought a lock to put on the door tonight when we made a grocery run.

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So far, the move has gone relatively smoothly. I'm exhausted, and my feet and hip hurt. I didn't know I had a bad hip until this week. I was up and down the basement stairs quite a few times today. Hopefully I won't have to do them quite as many times tomorrow. Hopefully. Now it's off to bed. I have a feeling tomorrow will be a very long day....

The Last Night

We have spent our last night here in Tiny Village. I slept better than I thought I would on the futon mattress-- exhaustion helps. I fell asleep giving thanks for the people in Delta and I woke up doing the same thing. Daughter snuggled in next to me on the couch yesterday evening to watch Extreme Makeover with me. She was cold, so she was wearing a hoodie and had her comforter over both of us. She was crying and stressed when she fell asleep, and she woke up warm, safe, and grateful.

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She is still in bed this morning, and at this point, she's dry. I really hope that once we put this move behind us, the bed wetting will stop. I'm somewhat surprised by how few regrets I have about leaving this place. I know that God is calling me to Capital. I know that my ministry here is done. I feel really good about what God has done during my time here. I'm returning to my roots. Far Away Sister (who was having nightmares on my behalf about the move) talked to Daughter on the phone yesterday while I was negotiating the drive up ATM. She pointed out to Daughter that she was moving into our home state at about the same age I moved out of it. I hadn't thought of that, but after college I moved out of state for seminary, and except for a few months while I waited for my first call, I haven't lived there since.

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Now it's time to put on my shoes and socks and wake up Daughter. PA will be coming at 8:30, the movers will arrive about 9:15. I want to do a bit of cleaning before we pull out of here for the last time. We have been blessed to live in this 110 year old house with its hardwood floors and high ceilings for 14 years. I will miss the space and the beauty of this house, and I will embrace the more manageable size and one story of our new home. God is good.

Overwhelmed

The movers left a little while ago. They got most of the house packed and loaded today. Tomorrow they need to move the piano, TV, couch, futon mattress, washing machine, and pack the kitchen, back porch and living room. We will be sleeping in our new home tomorrow night, maybe even in our own beds.

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When I fired up the computer there was an email listing the work that has been done on my house. The living room, kitchen, halls, bedrooms, and garage have been painted. Peg board has been installed in the garage. New faucets have been installed in the kitchen and bathrooms. New works have been installed in the toilets. Smoke detectors and programmable thermostat have been installed. Closet organizers have been installed in 2 bedrooms. The cabinets and drawers have been cleaned and lined. The kitchen floor was cleaned and today the carpet was professionally cleaned. All the windows and screens have been cleaned. The gutters have been cleaned out (and have filled up again). Locks have been installed on the pantry doors.

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I'm sure I'm forgetting something, but you get the idea. You understand why I'm feeling overwhelmed by the love and support of some people I barely know. I forwarded the email to some family and friends. As Far Away Sister said, it was definitely worth the wait. I have been searching off and on for 4 years. I knew God would call me to the right place at the right time.

Adventures in Moving

My home has been invaded by 3 men. It's like a tornado has invaded the house. So far only 2 glitches: I broke a window, and they loaded my bed onto the truck. They're leaving me a futon mattress, so I'll survive. By the time they leave tonight, the bedrooms will all be empty. They think I'm wonderful-- I provided them with food, and I had done a lot of sorting, so most of the stuff that was staying was in the study, making it easier on them.

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They are good natured guys. Daughter finds them them amusing. Unfortunately, two of them are allergic to Kitten. The plan is to finish packing and loading tomorrow, and then unload on Wednesday. Daughter is doing well. PA came today, and did a wonderful job of keeping me sane. Kitten is freaking out-- she has a sensitive digestive tract, and so she is having diarrhea again, much to Daughter's dismay. I told Daughter that she would calm down once we get settled into our new home.

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It's amazing how much stuff we have-- even after getting rid of lots of it. I couldn't believe how much stuff we pulled out of the Christmas section of the attic. The disjointed nature of this is an accurate reflection of the current workings of my brain. Pity those who are trying to talk to me or stay in the same room with me....

Moving Day

The movers arrive today. Daughter has an appointment with Therapist at 9:00. I need to stop by the bank when we're in town. PA is coming to the house in case we don't get back before the movers arrive. Am I ready for the movers? Of course not. Everything has taken longer than I anticipated. I woke up at 4:00 this morning, and gave up on the idea of going back to sleep at 5:15.

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We will be moved. I will have to finish sorting and getting rid of things when we arrive in Capital. I have no idea how long it will take the movers to pack and load us up. I do know that the next few days will be busy, and stressful. I've had a stiff neck that has been getting progressively worst. I don't anticipate it getting better any time soon.

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Yesterday someone asked me why I didn't want a farewell dinner next week. I wasn't offered a farewell dinner. The board thought a reception would be more than enough. It's not that I want a dinner, but I am frustrated that I am being portrayed as rejecting what was offered instead of the board being portrayed as unwilling to do more than a reception. I've only been here 14 years. Why would it take more than a coffee hour to say goodbye? All this does is confirm that it's time to leave, and it makes me more grateful for the warm welcome I am being offered by Capital. I can't wait to get there and see our freshly painted and cleaned house. It will be wonderful.

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My phone/TV/internet installation is scheduled for a week from today in Capital. I'll try to get on occasionally, but I probably won't be posting regularly for the next week or so.

The Final Youth Group

I said goodbye to the youth group tonight. We ate pizza and celebrated the wonderful people they are. In continuing with the theme of Philippians 4:4 and following that I began this morning in worship, I had them name something good about youth group. I continue to be amazed by this group, where the special needs kids are accepted and supported and they go out of the way to include them. They had lots of good things to say about our activities and our efforts to incorporate all of their ideas. We have a woman who came tonight who is considering helping with the youth group. We played the name game. In my version, you introduce yourself and name a food you like that begins with the first letter of your name-- then everyone recites all the names and foods of the others. Tonight we had some interesting foods-- spam (in a can), eel, lollipops, kale, chicken.... We also did balloon stomp (balloons tied to the ankle-- the object is to be the last one with an unpopped balloon). We all had a great time. Now I have a ton of work I want to get done before I go to bed. It has been a good day.

Humor

Sometimes I just have to laugh. Some time back, I told Daughter I was very tired of finding the toilet paper empty when I went into the bathroom. I thought that she was capable of hanging a new roll. She definitely heard me. Now, when I go into the bathroom I find she has carefully left one square hanging on the tube.

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This morning I was once again launching into my lecture on oral hygiene as once again she had been ignoring my reminders to brush her teeth. "Okay, okay! You don't have to go into the lectury." It got me to thinking, do I enjoy those lectures? Are they a luxury? I think (hope) she's upstairs brushing her teeth.

The Last Time

Today is the last Sunday I will wake up and get ready for worship in this house. Next Sunday we'll drive in from Capital for worship. It feels strange. There is still so much to do, and I find myself wondering how I will ever be ready for the movers tomorrow. The good news is that the movers are coming, and they will move us, whether we are ready or not. I've already decided that there are things that will have to go to the basement for me to make decisions about later. I'm making all kinds of good resolutions about continuing to unpack a box a day. At this point, I think the things that had to happen have, for the most part been accomplished.

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The important thing is that the sermon is ready for this morning. I also have figured out the w0rship liturgy for next Sunday. I have one letter of recommendation to finish writing, one more youth group to attend, and one more sermon to write. I have enjoyed ministry in this place, and it is time to move on. I'm ready to move on. I'm ready for the challenges that are coming my way.

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Daughter said several times yesterday that she wasn't ready to move. She's asked if she can go back to the gift shop tomorrow to say goodbye again. She sees Therapist first thing tomorrow morning. I think that was good planning on our part. It will be hard on her to watch the movers work, but it will be good to know that we are going to our new home. Soon we will see what the workers have accomplished. Soon we will be sleeping in our new rooms. Soon we will be facing first times, not last times. I'm looking forward to that.

Insurance Fun

Today I ordered refills for all of Daughter's prescriptions online. There was one I couldn't order online, so I stopped at the drive thru window to ask them to fill it while we were at breakfast. When we got to the drugstore to pick the prescriptions up, there were problems with 3 of them. The insurance company was suddenly requiring prior authorization on two of her psychiatric prescriptions. She's been on both of these drugs for months with no requirements for prior authorization. Do they really think that it is a good idea to mess with her psych meds as we get ready to move? The pharmacist finally got both of them to go through, though I had to pay a copay on one of them. The other problem wasn't as easily solved-- they were out of one of her insulins. It will be in on Monday. I'll see if a friend can pick it up on her way home from work.

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Top priority when we get to Capital will be getting her signed up for medicaid and getting her in with a doctor. I picked up the last refills for the prescriptions from her family doctor. I have a month to get her in and get new prescriptions. I'm hoping that the family doctor will be willing to manage her diabetes. Once food is locked up, her blood sugars should be predictable and so I don't think we'll need to see a specialist until challenges come up. I don't anticipate problems, though, as long as I'm in charge of insulin and food.

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We are making slow progress. I had not accomplished as much with the upstairs files as I thought. It will get done.

Reflections

When I went into the kitchen last night, I found an empty 9 by 13 inch pan in the sink. It had been almost full of corn bread. I was frustrated, but as has been the case the last month or so, I reminded myself that soon I will be able to lock food away from Daughter. I reminded myself that she is looking forward to that, too.

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Yesterday she said goodbye to the people she has seen daily for the last 4 years and every summer for several years preceding that. Yesterday evening our neighbor was her to hang out with me. Daughter is jealous of the neighbor, of course, recognizing that the two of us have conversations that are totally beyond Daughter's ability to comprehend.

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Daughter really is handling this move amazingly well. I know that there will be some challenges ahead. I know that there will be some times when she is clinging to me or screaming verbal abuse at me. I also know we will get through it. I'm glad that Sister will be here to sit with Daughter on our last Sunday in worship here. I know that will be a hard day for both of us.

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For now, though, I am grateful. Grateful that Daughter is doing this well this close to the move. I'm taking her out to breakfast this morning. Then we'll come home and dig into the final things I want to accomplish before the movers come on Monday morning. I'm sure I will be frustrated with the amount there still is to do. I also know that no how much I do or don't get done before the movers arrive, Wednesday we will be unpacking in our freshly painted, deep cleaned new home. That will be a good day.

More Goodbyes

I had breakfast with a woman this morning, came home briefly, and then went to the gift shop for a farewell party for Daughter. Best Friend Mommy was there with her Daughter We had hamburgers and salad, watched a photo DVD Super Supervisor had made for Daughter (that made everybody cry), and then ate warm apple crisp (Daughter made the topping) with Case Manager and the Adult Services Directors. Daughter did well, comforting her friends. I had decided not to have her spend an hour on the bus after her goodbyes, so I brought her home. We hadn't gone very far before she began sobbing. I told her I was proud of how well she'd handled herself, and acknowledged how hard this was. She said simply, "It hurts."

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This evening my next door neighbor came over. She is enrolled in two classes this year, and is finding out what she needs to do to finish her undergraduate degree. I've encouraged her to aim to start a master's program in library and information science next fall. I even suggested she look at the university in Capital. Whenever I've talked to her the last few weeks, she's sounded terrible. I know my move is hard on her. I was running out of meal slots, so I gave her money and told her to pick up a pizza and come over for supper and to hang out tonight. She did. She talked, and talked, and talked. Finally she said, "What am I going to do without you?" It was the first time she'd admitted how much my impending move was bothering her. I've suspected that was behind her depression, but had been reluctant to suggest it. I reminded her she'd still be able to reach me.
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Talk about fear of abandonment, she insisted I was going to move away and change my phone number and email address and she'd never be able to find me. I took out a business card, and on the back I wrote out the church's website, address, and phone number. I gave her my new home address. I reminded her we wouldn't be that far away. I told her I wanted an invitation to her graduation when she gets her master's degree, and a preview copy of her first book.

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Tonight I was reminding her of her gifts and passions and what she has to contribute to society. I encouraged her not to sell herself short, and to get the credentials so that she can earn money doing what she loves and escape from Tiny Village. After several hours, she was finally ready to leave-- with many thanks and a stiff hug (she is autistic). I will miss her. I hope that I have given her the confidence and the push she needs to follow her dreams. I suspect that after I move she will call frequently for a while-- just to check and make sure I really am still available to her. Once she realizes I meant what I said, the calls will taper off. I hope I do receive that graduation invitation in a couple of years. I will figure out a way to be there.

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Are You Sure?

Yesterday I gave the three men a tour of the church building here in Tiny Village. We have a beautiful building, and they were admiring it. One of the men said, "Are you sure you want to leave this place?" I looked at him and said, "Last Friday I had pizza delivered to my door. I made a phone call, and like magic, pizza appeared on my doorstep." They found that amusing. I intended it to be amusing, but I was also serious.

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Being this isolated has not been easy. I've had a check to deposit for a week. The bank is at least 10 miles from here. I haven't been near it all week. I've been to a regional church meeting 2 hours away, but there isn't a branch of my bank in that city. I've had a couple of other trips, but none took me near the bank. I'm tired of being this isolated. We're having pizza with the youth group Sunday. That will require someone to make a 20+ mile round trip.

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This has been a wonderful, safe place for Daughter to grow up. Now, it's time to move. God has called us to a place that will provide her with more opportunities, me with new challenges, and both of us with conveniences we've never experienced before. I'm sure. It's time.

Security

Three men came down from Capital today to check out Tiny Village and take a load of books and such back. The report from the new house is that the water is back on, the rooms are painted (though Daughter's bright colors are going to require a second coat). I had purchased shades of white for the other rooms. They said it lightened and brightened the rooms quite a bit. The new faucets are installed, as are the smoke detectors and the programmable thermostat. For now, the security issue with the patio sliders has been solved by screwing them shut with a couple of L-brackets. It's not a long term solution, but it will work until they get the new door installed. Hopefully that will happen in the next week or so.

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I took the guys out for lunch after we loaded the truck and trailer. We had a wonderful conversation. I am so eager to actually get moved in. I have so much more to get rid of before the movers arrive on Monday. I'm feeling the crunch, that's for sure.

Gone

I had help tonight, so Daughter's mattress went into the trash. Even though it was dry, it reeked of urine. When I walked into her room to do show them how to use a mattress carrier my Dad created, Daughter said, "Don't breathe!" She has blown up an air mattress and put it on her box springs. When she is done wetting the bed, I will give her a new mattress. For now, though, she can use an air mattress. She hasn't complained. I don't know that there is anything that will motivate her to stop wetting the bed. I keep trying, though.

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I'm back to feeling overwhelmed, and had difficulty falling asleep last night. My stomach is burning this evening. The stress does take a toll. We are making progress, though, and tomorrow the men are coming to take a load of stuff to Capital. They will take the lawn mower, propane grill, the rest of the books for the church office, and various other things that will make the move next week easier. I still would like to go to sleep and wake up on October 4th with it all done.

Saying Goodbye and Problems

This week is all about saying goodbye. Monday it was the shut-ins. Yesterday it was my colleagues. Today it was the seniors at the luncheon. We had our biggest group ever today, and since there were new people, I had everyone introduce themselves. One of the women said they had to offer me some advice for the move after their introductions. It was the men who were the most choked up about it. I was touched and pleased by the turn out and their words to me. They all think it is wonderful that I am going home.. It is hard, saying goodbye to these people. When you serve a congregation for 14+ years and walk with members through illness and death, some deep bonds are formed.

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Part way through the lunch I received a phone call from Capital. The water was turned off today at the house. I had called Thursday, and they needed a picture ID. I scanned my driver's license and emailed it to them. They didn't receive it, and I got busy and forgot to follow up with them. So, I came home and emailed it again-- another 3 times . I still haven't heard back from them, and if they don't receive it soon I'll have to head to town and find a fax machine.

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They have everything painted and are working on other things now. The women want to go in and clean real well tomorrow. The patio door is a problem. They probably won't have it replaced before I move in, but a couple of good jerks from the outside is enough to open it right now. Not good. They're going to at least put a hook or something on it until they can get it replaced.

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I am feeling so blessed and welcomed by this congregation. I told the man I was talking to today that I had been thinking about Dad a lot-- the first anniversary of his death is next week-- and feeling alone in this move. They're help and support has erased those feelings. Three of them are coming tomorrow to pick up some stuff and check out Tiny Village. I'm looking forward to seeing them. I'm also feeling overwhelmed by all I need to get done. It will happen.

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The water department just called, and they finally got my email. They are turning the water back on today. Yeah!

Long Day

I got over to the church at 9:00 this morning. We were working on the newsletter. The phone bills were in the mail, so I called to disconnect the phone at the parsonage. Believe it or not, it took 45 minutes. The church set up the account, and there wasn't anyone listed as authorized to make changes to the account. I pointed out that the directory listing was my name, but they had to go up a couple of levels to figure out how to handle it. Not only were we working on the newsletter here in Tiny Village, but they were working on it in Capital, too, so I had two secretaries asking me for information.

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A couple of women who were doing research on their family tree dropped by the church. Why do researchers always choose busy days? Daughter had stayed home today, so she was running back and forth to the house to get things for me. I had aimed to leave by noon, but it was almost 12:30 before we got away. Daughter was great, gathering all the things I needed. I suddenly remembered that the insulin pouch hadn't been in my purse. "Don't worry, Mom. I put it in. I have my head screwed on tight." I'm glad, because my head isn't working very well these days. We didn't get home from the meeting until after 10:00. There was a lot of construction, and we passed 3 closed entrance ramps before we were able to get on the interstate to come home. I'm grateful I have a GPS, or I would have been totally lost. It got a workout this evening-- having to recalculate numerous times.

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I had several emails from Capital when I got home. Daughter's room was described as colorful. She chose grass stain for the bottom and princess pink for the top of her walls. Both women said the house looked great. I'm so looking forward to seeing it next week.

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Tomorrow is our final senior luncheon. Thursday we have to finish the newsletter and the bulletin for October 3 and the curious men are coming with the truck and trailer. Friday I have a breakfast appointment, and they are having a farewell luncheon for Daughter to which I am invited. Even if I don't make the lunch, I will go to pick her up. We'll stop by the workshop so she can say goodbye there, and then I'll bring her home so she doesn't have to ride the bus. I think it will be an emotional day for her.

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Saturday I have to finish the sorting. Sunday evening I have a farewell pizza party with the youth group. Monday morning Daughter has an appointment with Therapist, and then the movers arrive. Somehow I think this was the first of many long days I will have in the next week or so....

I Am Blessed

When I left the house Saturday, I was feeling guilty about all the painting I was asking Capital members to take on-- living room, halls, kitchen, and one bedroom. Tonight I got a phone call. It was one of the women from Capital. Why hadn't I gotten paint for the other two bedrooms? They got the living room and halls done today. She says it looks 100,000 times better.

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The men were looking at the patio door today, and will install a new one for me. I called her back with colors for the other two bedrooms. Daughter wants pink on top and green on the bottom. It will be colorful, to say the least.

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One of the women took food to the painters today, and took the curtains that fell apart home and fixed them. I am blessed.

Ten Years Younger

Today I finished the rounds of the shut-ins with communion. I ended with my favorite nursing home couple. I told them how much I had enjoyed the evening at their home. She told me, "We all agreed that you look ten years younger." I was surprised by their assessment, but as I thought about it, I realized that they may be on to something. I'm excited about ministry in Capital, and have a new energy and enthusiasm that has been missing. For the last 4 years I've been in limbo-- wondering if and when I would be leaving Tiny Village. Knowing has lighted my stress load significantly.

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This week is going to be crazy, and that's okay. Daughter is going to be needy and clingy in the evenings, and that could get exhausting very quickly. I'm slowly chipping away at the list of things I need to do in preparation for the move. I did some address changes today, including the official one with the post office. There is much more to do, of course, but as long as I'm making progress, I'm satisfied.

The Last Board Meeting

Yesterday was my final board meeting at this church. Snippets and surprises:

• I encouraged them to get someone to help Secretary with the youth group ASAP. I told them they were a great bunch of kids, and I loved them and would miss them. "I'll definitely miss the youth group. I'll miss SOME of you, but I'll miss all of them." The response: "And we want you to know that we will miss Daughter."
• They were playing helpless and asking me to provide them with information. I pointed out they had all the information they needed in their notebooks, including all the calendar dates for the rest of the year.
• They have lined up supply preachers through the end of November all ready.
• They have decided to continue the Christmas Open House, though at the church.
• Less than 2 years ago they were insisting they could not afford a full time pastor for much longer. Last night they insisted that they have to have a full time interim pastor.
• They expressed appreciation for my work (not while I was there, of course).
• They may have someone at the regional meeting tomorrow to express the church's appreciation for me as the region says goodbye.

Time is going to fly this last week, and I will have to prioritize my time and work carefully. The excitement builds, and with it the energy to do what must be done. I had a breakfast appointment this morning, and left Daughter home waiting for the bus. There was confusion, and the bus didn't come to get her. She called the workshop, found out what was happening, and then found someone here in Tiny Village to take her to the gift shop. I hope that she will continue to show that kind of independence and responsibility.

Random

Attendance was way down today. It was a dreary gray day here, so that may have had something to do with it. I certainly hope that it is not a sign of things to come, because that would not bode well for the future of this congregation.

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I have a board meeting this afternoon, and then the regional overseer is coming to meet with them and I'm leaving. She'll come over here for supper following that meeting. The house is a disaster, of course. I'm not at all motivated to do anything about it.

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A couple of weeks ago Secretary called Junior Choir Director and asked her if she was sure she wanted them to sing this morning. JCD said they'd be ready, and were definitely singing. So this morning, it came time for special music, and no Junior Choir. They hadn't bothered to tell me of the change, of course.

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They are already working on plans for the Sunday School Christmas program, and it was weird to realize I won't be here.

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Daughter asked me to buy her some new clothes today-- all her pants are now too tight because of the extra food she's been into. I refused to buy her new clothes, and told her if she'd stick to the meals I provide, she'll quickly be back down into the pants she has now. On one of our shopping expeditions, Daughter stopped me. "Mom, there are the locks! You need to buy one so you can keep me safe from food!" It's too bad she's counting on me to protect her from herself. I hope that one day, she'll have more self-control. I didn't stop to pick out a lock then, but did assure her that I will purchase one.

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I signed up for a bundle that includes internet, TV, and phone service. It won't be installed until October 4. I was amazed that it would take that long, and am glad I went ahead and figured it out today.

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I had to call my credit card company today. They put a stop on my card. They were sure someone had stolen it because of all the activity when I was in Capital Friday and Saturday.

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On a brighter note, this morning's sermon was referenced during Sunday School, which is always a good sign.

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Yes, all these things are popping in and out of my mind on short notice right now. It's amazing I'm able to accomplish anything.

Feeling Guilty

I'm sure, when I actually move, that I will miss some things about Tiny Village. I've lived here 14 years, longer than I've lived any place since I left my parents' home to go to college. At this point, though, I'm so excited about the move and arriving in Capital that I'm not thinking much about what I'll leave behind here. I've always been an outsider here. I wasn't born here, and they didn't know 4 generations of my family. My ancestors didn't come here from the right part of the world. There are some people I will miss, of course, but I feel no regret about leaving.

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Daughter spent much of the weekend apologizing. She apologized for wetting the bed, for getting into food, for not having a perfect attitude. For the most part, she did well, and I told her that repeatedly, but she continued to apologize. I wonder if she feels guilty, too, about how excited she is to move.

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This has been a good place, but it has never been my culture. Because Daughter was younger when we moved here, she has been more accepted and the culture has had more influence on her life.

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I've served here long and well. I am confident that this is God's call to us. I guess I don't need to feel guilty about the ease with which I embrace the future to which God has called us. The families here may live here for generations and find change hard, but that is their culture, not mine. Now I'm going back to my culture. At closing, I took in a key chain my Dad had gotten from his work. It was a symbol for a company that has been absorbed into something else. I took it because it was his good stewardship that provided me the resources to buy this house. If I were to pull it out here, no one would know what it meant. When I pulled it out at closing, it was immediately recognized and prompted memories from those gathered. I truly am going home. I don't need to feel guilty about going home.

Back to Tiny Village

We got back to Tiny Village at about 9:00 this evening. For some reason, I'm tired. After spending tons at Super Hardware Store, my credit card froze my account because they were concerned about fraudulent activity. I wish it were fraudulent, then I wouldn't have to pay the bill!

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It was a good two days. I wish we had accomplished more, and I'm pleased with what we did accomplish. Since the curtains in the living room fell apart when I washed them, I ordered a cellular blind today. I also bought a refrigerator and freezer, and more paint. The closets soaked up the paint. We don't think they'd ever been painted. They are now a bright white, and look good. They look very good. Hopefully by the time we move in, the closet organizers will be installed.

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I also changed the hardware on all the kitchen cabinets, and got some of them lined with shelf paper. They were very dirty, and we washed them all down with oil soap. They need another good cleaning, though. I left supplies and post-it notes for the helpers who are going to descend upon my house this week.

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Another neighbor stopped by to introduce himself. Some members dropped by some pepperoni bread and honey wheat bread from a bakery. Sister Best Friend came by after the shower with her mother-in-law and aunt-in-law so they could check out the house. They approved of it.

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Daughter did pretty well. She wet the bed, and when I left her at home with Sister Best Friend's Husband she finished off the pepperoni bread. She's very constipated right now, in spite of the preventive measures I took. She has been apologizing all week end. She doesn't know why she's apologizing. This is hard on her. Today we talked about how we are excited when we think about moving to Capital, and sad when we think about leaving Tiny Village.

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Our new home is located less than half a mile from main drag through Capital. Our section of the main drag is the commercial section. The shopping and restaurant options around us are overwhelming for a couple of women who have lived in Tiny Village for the past 14 years. There is a lot more traffic, and the stores all seem to be very busy. Everyone was pleasant and helpful. I think we will be happy there.

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I know this post is jumping around-- it's an accurate reflection of the state of my brain right now. I think I'll head to bed early tonight.

Nice Surprises

I woke up this morning and turned on the computer, and one of my neighbors has an unprotected wireless network. I'm online! Yesterday I didn't have time to even think about the computer. It's been a wonderful 24 hours.

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When we arrived, there was a man digging away at the weeds in the driveway cracks. Realtor arrived to let us in, carrying a bag and a fan. Capital had a record setting rain on Thursday, which settled the question of whether or not I have a dry basement. Water came in through one basement window, so Realtor, who had been to the house earlier, was carrying a fan to dry the puddle on the floor. Realtor also had toilet paper, paper towels, light bulbs, and sugar free candy for Daughter. While we were standing outside talking, the utility companies were coming by to read the utilities for the last time.

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We unloaded the car, took the closing papers Realtor gave us to read, and headed to lunch. The variety of options was overwhelming, to say the least. From there we went to the Super Hardware Store. We raced through there, purchasing light bulbs, paint supplies, closet organizers, 7 gallons of paint, a microwave, broom, hardware for the kitchen cabinets, trash bags, and various other necessities. Daughter was wonderful. She waited in the closet organizers for someone to come put a heavy one in a cart while I went over to appliances. She found me in appliances and went back to pick up the paint they'd been mixing for us.

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We arrived at closing at the same time as the sellers, the original owners' Son and Daughter-In-Law. DIL handed me a folder containing information about a pastor support program at a retreat center where she works. As we talked, I realized I'd met her a couple of years ago when Sister Best Friend and I did a worship planning retreat there. She is the bookstore manager. We parted with a hug and a housewarming gift from them.

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The closing was easy. I'd already read through the documents at lunch, so I just signed what they gave me and handed over a large cashier's check. I left with a smaller check for the difference between what I actually owed and the check. We had a wonderful conversation as we signed all the documents. The poor title agent didn't have the chance to say anything-- she just kept handing us documents. We were done in 45 minutes. I handed Daughter a house key and she squealed with delight.

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We came back to the house and began unloading the car. One of the members came by. He'd already been there trimming trees and bushes. I gave him a key and we walked through the house. He has a crew lined up to clean, paint, trim more bushes and trees, and do various other things. Everyone thinks this is the perfect house for us.

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Sister Best Friend and her Husband arrived. We ordered pizza to be delivered. We washed the living room sheers (which fell apart-- I knew that was a possibility, but they were filthy). We ran back to SHS-- it's wonderful to have stores so close. SBF and I tackled the kitchen cabinets, removing hardware, cleaning, putting new hardware on. H tackled the bedroom closets, removing the bar and two shelves in each. They were hung quite securely, so if the rest of the house was as well built, I am very fortunate indeed.

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By the time SBF and H left, there was a new toilet seat installed, the cupboards had been wiped down, some new hardware was on (I grabbed the wrong size on my second trip, so I need to exchange those today), a drawer and one cupboard had new shelf liners (and a few dishes), the tattered sheers had been rehung, the closets were ready for painting, and Daughter had made us beds in our new bedrooms with the air mattresses and linens I'd brought from home.

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In a few minutes I'll wake up Daughter. We will head to a restaurant for breakfast and then back to SHS. I need to buy a refrigerator and freezer, exchange the wrong size hardware I purchased, look at window treatments for the living room, and see how much more money I can spend today. SBF has a shower near here today, so she'll drop her H off on her way. He'll paint closets. I'll do some painting, but also clean up and find homes for all the thins we've brought. I'm managed to fill the kitchen counter and card table I bought with various items. We'll head back to Tiny Village this afternoon.

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God is good, and has called us to the right place at the right time. I am grateful.

The Cure for Insomina

Apparently knowing that the mortgage is approved and that I will actually be able to close on the house today is the cure for insomnia. I think it was stressing me out even more than I realized. I fell asleep before the 15 minute evening prayer podcast was done, and slept until almost 6:00. My mind continues to race, and my shopping list is long.

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This is going to be an exciting day. Daughter is coming around. She has her moments, but all things considered, she really is handling this very well. Therapist and I were talking about that yesterday. Therapist began to wrap things up with Daughter, and told Daughter the things Daughter had taught her. Daughter was happy until we pulled out of the parking lot, and then she began to cry. She told me that Therapist had told her about the things she had learned from her. She said, "It changed me." Leaving Therapist will be hard for her. Therapist is going to check out a new therapist in Capital, but Daughter isn't sure she wants one. We agreed that if she doesn't need one, we won't make an appointment.

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I also reassured her that I don't expect her to responsible and independent the minute we move. She will have the opportunity to earn independence as she shows she is responsible, and I realize it will take time. Trying to figure out all of her fears/concerns is a challenge, and she still isn't always good at identifying and articulating what it is that is causing her stress/pain.

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Now it's time to pack up the computer and get the last few things loaded into the car. We'll be there before lunch, which will give us time to tackle are very long shopping list and be ready to sign the final papers at 2:00.

Freak Out Stage

Daughter's into freak out stage. Snippets of our evening:

• "That's it! I'm not going and you can't make me."
• "We need to put Kitten down."
• As we began to load the car, I walked by her in the kitchen and she was hyperventilating.
• "Can we take Kitten with us, I don't want to leave her here. I'll miss her."
• Sobbing, "I'm not ready to leave. I can't do this."
• "Can't we just leave now?"

The car is pretty much loaded. We need to pack pj's, clothes for the trip home, my cpap machine, my computer, and Daughter's DVD player. We have dishes, card table and chairs, ladder, tools, cleaning supplies, rags, paper towels and toilet paper, lamps, extension cords, air mattresses, linens, pillows, and who knows what else packed in there. Most of the things we are taking will stay there.

We're both excited. Realtor will meet us at the house when we get there to let us in. After we unload the car, we'll head to super hardware store and begin buying appliances, paint and supplies, closet organizers, and who knows what else. We'll go from there to closing, and then to our home, where Sister Best Friend and Husband will join us for a little celebration. Now I need to work on my shopping list.

Success!

At 2:00 tomorrow afternoon I will be closing on our new home. I have a cashier's check in hand. Realtor will meet us at our house and let us in when we arrive. We'll unload the car, go shopping, and then go to closing. Sister Best Friend and her husband will join us for pizza and painting after closing. I promised Daughter that we would order pizza delivered our first night in our new home. Now I have to call and change all the utilities. I am going to be super busy this evening, but that's okay. The closing is scheduled, and my stress is diminished.

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I cancelled shut-in communion for tomorrow afternoon, but found someone to go with me to visit a couple of people this afternoon. All is well.

Crunch Time

It's getting to be crunch time, and I am feeling the stress. The study still isn't done. I've decided that is my priority for the move right now-- to get the study sorted. I'm going to put everything that isn't being moved in there, but it has to be cleared out first. I was awake at 3:30 this morning, and gave up and got up at 4:15.

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Daughter has an appointment with Therapist at 8:00 this morning. Mortgage Broker was going to try to get to me with a closing date by 9:30 this morning. I hope he calls with a date, and not more requirements. Secretary wants to finish in the church office by 11:00 this morning.

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I'm going to take advantage of this quiet time before Daughter gets up to feed my soul and prioritize my day. She is becoming more needy, as is to be expected. Kitten is using the litter box less. I suspect she is stressed by all the packing going on. She knows something is up. Daughter wants to get rid of her, but I don't think Daughter can handle one more loss right now. I don't think I can handle one more loss right now. I told Daughter we'd see how she does after we move and get settled, then we can make a decision about what to do with her.

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I am so distracted these days-- I truly sympathize with those who have ADD. I'm finding it hard to focus on anything for any length of time. I'm sure that those of you who read my blog have figured that out already!

More Mortgage Madness

So I spent all day waiting for a call to hear when the closing would be. It was after 4:00 before Mortgage Broker called. The underwriters came up with a new requirement. They need both regional church bodies to sign off on my contract. It's a done deal for both of them, but where the contract is in journey through church bureaucracy is a mystery at this point. I gave him phone numbers for both offices, and the one here said they could probably expedite getting them something. The other office was closed for the day. MB will call them again tomorrow morning. He will call me to report progress. If all goes well, I could still close on Friday. I told MB that I couldn't guarantee I would respond in a Christian manner if they threw any more hoops up for me to jump through. He understood. Some of the things they've required have surprised him.

A Radical Idea

In my sermon Sunday I'm going to be talking about the importance of grace, and how it is through the grace of Jesus Christ that we are saved, not through the law. I'm going to suggest that we are putting too much emphasis on the law, with the result that we are building walls that keep people away from the church. I'm going to talk about the importance of building bridges that invite people into God's love and grace. I'm going to tell them that there is no one alive on this planet today that God doesn't love. It's a very basic part of the Gospel, but one that seems to be getting lost. It's also something that will bother many of them. Our black and white society is much more comfortable with law than grace. My sermon won't change that, but hopefully it will cause people to pause and think.

Insomnia

As if it's not enough that I'm struggling to fall asleep each night, I am now waking up early in the morning. I finally gave up and got up at 5:30 this morning. I have an exit interview this morning for the regional church. I still don't know when the closing is, and find myself wondering what I'll do if it's late in the day. Will I be able to get into the house before closing? If I can't get into the house until after closing, will I be able to accomplish anything in the house before I have to come back? What should I take this trip?

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How am I going to find time to sort through everything before I move? What areas still need to be sorted? Where am I going to put certain items of furniture? Will the movers be able to get all of this stuff into the truck?

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What do I still need to do for the church here in Tiny Village? How can I rearrange my schedule to fit in the things I had scheduled for Friday if the closing is moved to then? I could go on, but you get the idea. In two weeks, we will be unpacking in Capital. The time between now and then will be very full.

Picking a Fight

Daughter made it through the day without calling me! When she got home, I was on the phone with my sisters. I quickly measured out some tortilla chips as a snack for her, and gave her an amount that would not require her to take insulin. As soon as I got off the phone I asked her to go for a walk with me. She didn't like that idea, but she finally agreed to go along.

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She informed me I wasn't to mention the move. I found it a challenge to find other topics to talk to her about. I did, however, respect her request. I didn't mention the move until later, and then only after I asked her permission.

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I decided we'd go out to eat tonight (the mortgage paperwork wore me out today). Our negotiations over the menu were more intense than usual. I finally said, "Look, you're going to have to decide what your priority is. You can't have every high carb food on the menu, so what is it you most want? Of, you can always continue to try and get me to fight with you." We finally agreed on her meal, and she checked her blood sugar, which was well over 200. I demanded to know what she'd eaten. She was relatively quick to acknowledge that in addition to the tortilla chips I'd given her she'd taken 2 slices of bread. I was frustrated, but thanked her for telling me the truth.

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When her meal came, she was frustrated because I had insisted that she had to have some protein. She carefully ate all the carbs first, and then informed me she was too full to eat any protein.

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"Wrong. You will eat half of it. You have had nothing but carbs since you got home, and your blood sugar has gone very high. If you don't eat some protein, it will bottom out and you'll have a low." She could tell she had about pushed me to the limits of my patience. So she finally ate most of the protein. On the way home, I asked her what she got out of picking fights with me. She didn't deny that was what she was trying to do, but she couldn't explain why. She acknowledged she didn't like it when I got mad and yelled at her. Once we got home, she was fairly cooperative.

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I was rather proud of myself for refusing to take the bait. I will admit, though, that I was thinking that maybe I should offer her to the bank in exchange for the mortgage, they wouldn't have to know that technically she hadn't been born to me....

Getting a Mortgage Post Meltdown

Granted it's been about 20 years since I applied for a mortgage. However, it is unbelievable how challenging it is to get a mortgage these days. My broker tells me part of the problem is that I'm a minister, and the way our salaries are structured complicates things. Anyway, I have been preapproved for a mortgage. I have an excellent credit rating, no debt, money in the bank, and more than enough income to pay for a much larger mortgage. The documentation I have given them includes:

• 2008 and 2009 W-2's. They were concerned about the fact that they were handwritten.
• A release so they could get my 2008 and 2009 tax returns from the IRS.
• Yesterday they decided they needed my 2008 and 2009 1040's.
• 2 months bank and investment account statements.
• A paper trail following mutual funds I sold and transfers from my investment account to my bank account.
• Today they decided that they needed August statements and all bank activity this month.
• I threw in all my August credit card statements, as well.
• This afternoon it was decided they needed to know the source of every deposit I made in the last 6 weeks.
• I told the broker we were in trouble if they asked for my first born child, since Daughter wasn't born to me, she was adopted.

I'm hoping that I'm done jumping through hoops, and that tomorrow they will be able to give me a closing date and time. My broker has apologized every time he has called with another demand from the underwriters. I know they faxed something to the church in Capital wanting employment verification-- I had given them a copy of my signed contract, but that wasn't enough. They also required income verification from Tiny Village. My broker suspects they'll approve it now contingent upon me signing my tax returns. I use tax software that allows me to file electronically. I have PDF's of my returns, but they aren't signed.

I suspect that when I get to the actual closing I will end up with writer's cramp from signing all the documents. I will be very glad, though, when it is done and I have keys in my hand. That will eliminate a great deal of stress.

Sigh

This morning was going smoothly. Daughter got up the first time I called her. She was in a pleasant mood. She asked for a different breakfast, and I calculated it for her. She accepted the limits on quantities of the new foods. She told me she was taking chili from the freezer and 5 crackers in her lunch. As she was getting ready to go out the door, for some reason I asked to see her lunch. She stopped and hesitated. She had placed the entire sleeve of crackers in her lunch. Sigh.

A Discovery

While sorting through files this evening, I found a file that contains several letters and the sermon that was preached at my ordination 25 years ago. I may pull it out and post some excerpts tomorrow. One of my mentors preached, and he talked about how he had gone for a walk in the park to contemplate what he was going to say. As he was walking, he saw a letter on the ground. He picked it up and opened it up. It was a letter to a minister inviting him to come preach in a church and meet with the deacons with the thought that they would call him to be their new pastor. I had remembered the letter, and he gave me the actual letter he'd found. What I'd forgotten was this: the letter was from a church in Capital.

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I'm going to go back and reread the sermon and the other letters. I'm grateful that I found them as I prepare to begin my ministry at a new church, a church in the city that was mentioned in the call letter to a pastor 25 years ago. That letter was found in a park miles away from that city. It feels like reassurance from God that I'm headed to the right place.

Monday the 13th

Not that I'm superstitious, but if I were, I've always considered Monday the 13th to be much worse than Friday the 13th. Daughter did not want to get up this morning. I'd call, she'd say okay, and go back to sleep. When she did get up, she took longer than usual to shower and get dressed. To complete the frustrating morning, her bus showed up early, causing a traffic jam as another bus waited behind it. I yelled at her to grab her lunch and get out the door.

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I then headed out for my hair appointment. As I was paying, my cell phone rang. It was Super Supervisor. She wanted me to know that Daughter had told her she hadn't taken her seizure medication this morning and didn't have a lunch. I wasn't worried about lunch or seizures, but the thought of her not getting her psychiatric drugs was terrifying. I was 10 miles southeast of Tiny Village, and Gift Shop is 12 miles northwest of Tiny Village. I told SS I'd bring Daughter's lunch and pills when I finished there. I got there, and Daughter was watching TV. I told her to go get something to drink, and she sat there glaring at me. I told her to get up and move, as she'd already totally messed up my time schedule. She took her pills and informed me she wasn't speaking to me. I guess it's my fault she refused to move this morning. Makes sense to me.

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I then went to a department store. Twenty years ago, when I bought my house in Inner City, I had purchased a wonderful light, fresh paint color there that I had used in my living room. I'd picked up some paint chips, but wasn't sure that they were similar to the color I'd loved so much. So, I headed to the department store 22 miles due east of Tiny Village to buy some paint to take with me when we close on Monday. The department store no longer carries paint.

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A little while ago I received a phone call from my realtor. The seller is trying to move the closing up to Friday. I had asked the mortgage guy about that last week, and he said it was almost impossible to move a closing up. So, I resigned myself to closing on Monday. I made plans and set up my schedule accordingly. My realtor thinks there is a good chance that the closing will now take place on Friday, but I won't know until as late as Wednesday. I've moved money around so that I can get a check for the down payment on short notice. I haven't rearranged my schedule yet, but if we do close on Friday I will have to change two commitments. In many ways, I'd much rather close this Friday.

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I don't think I'll tell Daughter the plans may change. I'll wait to see what actually happens. Any change in plans is going to throw her off even more. I just need to brace myself for a wild ride the next few weeks. A very wild ride.

Countdown

One week from today I close on our new home. Two weeks from today the movers arrive. Five weeks from today I begin my ministry in Capital. Daughter is becoming more stressed, as is to be expected. Last night she had a meltdown-- she doesn't want to move, it's coming too fast.

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This long goodbye is hard-- hard for everyone. At first I was so excited about moving, I wasn't thinking about saying goodbye. Now, the reality of saying goodbye is beginning to hit. This has been our home for over 14 years ago. Most of these people we will never see again. Of course we're sad. Of course it's hard to leave. This is where God is calling us, and it will be good. Getting there involves some stress. Getting there will involve some grief.

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Today is my day off. I have an appointment to get my hair cut at 8:30, then I'm hoping to get the desk cleaned out and the file cabinets sorted. I have respite set up for Daughter this evening-- I'm going to have the worker work with her on on the guest room. Hopefully it will be a productive day.

Youth Group

I just got home from youth group. It's been a while since I've been able to say it, so I'll say it now: I love these kids. It was a small group tonight-- only 10, half special needs. We made sundaes-- the kids brought their favorite ice cream topping and we supplied the ice cream. We watched a video for teens by Nick Vujicic. The kids loved it. I've never seen them so attentive to a video I've shown. They want more people to hear him, and were talking about bringing him to this area to speak. Since he'd just talked about the importance of not giving up and continuing to try, I decided not to tell them it was impossible. Instead, I told them to go check out his website. Daughter was crying as she watched and listened to his message. She's having a difficult time pinpointing what it was that bothered her so much.

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One of the boys told me I'd be missed. I'll miss these kids so much. In two weeks, we'll do a formal goodbye party with pizza and games. I promised them we'd play balloon stomp again-- they loved that game. Tonight I left them with a challenge: to go out and say something nice to a different person every day this week. It came out of the video we watched. I told them I wanted to hear what happens next week. Capital doesn't have a youth group right now. We'll have to work on that.

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I'm tired this evening. Preparing to say goodbye is exhausting.

Sunday Randomness

I got over to church early this morning to make some copies for Sunday School. One of the women who was supposed to sing this morning came into the office crying, carrying her music. "I can't do it." This is the song she was going to sing with her sister-in-law:

Her close friend's grandson committed suicide yesterday. She had chosen this song for me as I get ready to leave. I assured her it was okay, and stuck an extra hymn into the service instead of their duet.

They couldn't get one of the two entrances into the sanctuary to unlock this morning. It threw everybody who sits on that side of the church off.

We were going to use the projector in worship to preview Sunday School, but they couldn't get the projector to work with the sound system. We had to have audio for Sunday School, so I sent Daughter home right after the worship service to get my computer and speakers, and we ran the DVD through that.

We had a guest organist today, and she had some problems with the hymns.

Since two men in the county committed suicide this past week, I addressed that in my sermon. It fit well with what I'd planned, but was still hard. A classmate of the one who died yesterday was quietly crying during worship. Daughter got up and took her some tissues-- she'd known her from school. This young couple was visiting today. Because of the congregational meeting, I didn't have an opportunity to talk to them. I was pleased when I saw Daughter offering tissues and comfort to the young woman.

The congregational meeting to accept my resignation was immediately following the worship service. It was harder than I thought it would be. No one wanted to make the motion to accept my resignation. One of the board members asked what would have happened if they'd all voted no.

One of our kids, who will be a senior this year, was bugging me today. She wants me to come back for her graduation. I suggested she'd like the next pastor even better. She wasn't buying it. I will be sad to miss her graduation. I've watched her grow up, and she's a remarkable young woman.

I gave the music for Precious Memories to the man whose coordinating the special music for my last Sunday. He'd asked me a couple of weeks ago if I had any requests. I'm not sure that song is a good idea-- it may have us all in tears by the time we're done.

Sunday School started back up today. It was good to see the children and youth there.

Tonight is the first youth group of the year. We're watching a video and making sundaes. Everyone was instructed to bring their favorite ice cream topping. Two weeks from tonight we'll have a pizza party with the youth as I say goodbye to them. I'll miss them. They're great kids. I remember when some of them were born.

Even Worst

I knew Daughter had trashed the guest room, but I had no idea how bad it was until I actually got in there today. There were three of us working for three hours, and we're not done. One of her "friends" has been giving her candy. Big bags of fruit chews and smarties and all sorts of things that are pure sugar. As always, we found numerous piles where she had just dumped bags out on the floor. She had thrown out a number of my pictures, so I had to go through the trash she had collected in one of her attempts to clean up the room.

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We did make progress. Personal Assistant will be back Wednesday evening, and hopefully we'll be able to finish it that day. PA gave her strict orders-- she's not to trash it and she is to pick up the rest of her hair stuff that's spread all over the floor and organize it. Daughter cleaned her room today-- and has been busy doing laundry. She has at least 4 loads of urine soaked linens. I know why her room has smelled so bad-- she hasn't been doing all the linens on a daily basis.

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I dread the thought of what she will do to our new home. I've decided she will sleep on an air mattress until she stops wetting the bed. I'm not moving her mattress, and I don't want to give her another one to ruin.

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Yesterday I was feeling good about the progress we were making. Today, I'm a little less optimistic. What doesn't get sorted here will be packed by the movers and sorted after we move or maybe the next time we move....

Progress Made

Well, Daughter did some work yesterday, but eventually brought me her cell phone and ipod and told me to forget it, she was done working and I could have all her electronics. That didn't surprise me. She'll often choose the consequence over the task at hand. Usually, I don't tell her what the consequence will be, because that makes it less likely that she will choose it over the task.

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I have helpers coming at 9:30 this morning, and I expect we will be able to finish the guest room today. I'm feeling pretty good about the progress being made toward the move. There will always be more to do, but I am no longer feeling completely overwhelmed. I think Daughter will be more cooperative today-- she usually does well when there are other people here. She saves the acting out for me. I remember one of her first therapists assuring me that was a very good sign. By acting out for me, it showed that she felt safe and trusted me. I didn't find that thought particularly comforting then-- or now.

A Road Map Out

I received a call from Nurse at the workshop this afternoon. Daughter was on the bus headed home. Nurse had been summoned because Daughter was on the floor, seemingly unconscious. Nurse could tell Daughter was hearing her and choosing not to respond, so she informed her that if she didn't respond, she'd have to call the squad. Daughter had the good sense to respond then. I think she wisely decided now was not the time to push me any further.

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When Daughter got home, I handed her a list I had printed. It was entitled "How to Turn It
Around." Basically, the list was about fixing the things she had done wrong. I was quite specific, itemizing the things that needed to be done in the guest room. When faced with a project like that, Daughter is overwhelmed. If I break it into smaller, more manageable pieces, she's fine. So it was real basic, "Pick up the pictures and put them back in the footlocker." "Take care of the food containers." She worked on the list for a couple of hours, and has made progress. She swears she has learned her lesson and won't trash the guest room again. Of course I don't believe her, but she knows what I want to hear, and so she says it. She's sitting next to me on the couch now, sleeping. There will be no electronics until she's completed the list. As expected, she didn't argue with the list or protest. I really do need to get in the practice of making all communication with her written. It's much easier.

Turn It Around

This morning began the same way yesterday ended. Daughter promised she was getting up, but was still in bed 30 minutes later. She didn't bring down her linens, and when I insisted she do it, she didn't start the washing machine. She knew I was frustrated when she left. When I went to bed last night, I had realized there was a light on in the guest room (which is directly across from my bedroom. I investigated, and discovered she had left the closet light on and had spread the contents of a footlocker I had filled with her keepsakes and pictures all over the floor. I lay in bed seething for a while last night.

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The bus picked her up at 8:00 this morning, and about 9:30 I got a text. "I am so sorry."

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"Thank you. Turn it around."

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She then decided it was safe to call. I said, "I'm busy. I love you. We'll talk later."

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She hasn't called back. I feel like she's working against me. We finish the basement, and she trashes the guest room. She needs to be watched 24 hours a day, and right now I don't want her in the same room with me.

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I'm going to get some things done today, and my hope is that by the time she gets home I'll be ready to deal with her. I'm going to limit her opportunities for defiance. I will give her a list tonight. It will have her instructions for the evening, with a reward for completing them and a consequence for failing to complete them. She can then decide what she wants to do. Hopefully I will have my buttons well protected.

What a Difference a Day Makes

So after an awesome evening Wednesday, Thursday was a disaster. Once again her time wasn't structured at the gift shop. I had multiple calls from her. Her back and shoulder hurt. She was lighted headed, and thought she was going to have a seizure. I sympathized, reassured her, and refused to go pick her up. I also made myself available to her when she got home, and she wrapped herself around my arm and promptly fell asleep.

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I finally made her get up and help me load the trash into the dump trailer. She was dramatic about it, of course. She asked to go out to supper, and since I didn't want to cook, we headed to the pizza buffet in Town. When we got home, I told her she needed to take care of her laundry, the cat boxes, her bedroom, and one bathroom. She didn't like that. The rest of the evening was a disaster. I was called names, told what a terrible mother I was. When I insisted she hang up her clean clothes properly, she informed me none of the fit and she needed to get rid of them. I pointed out she'd worn them all this week.

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Every thing I asked her to do she delayed, protested, and if done, did haphazardly. I thanked her for teaching me not to take her out for supper. She didn't like that, of course. Sigh. It's probably expecting too much to want her day today to be structured so she doesn't find a complaint to focus on and drive me crazy with her phone calls all day.

Stewardship

Capital begins their stewardship campaign the second Sunday I'm in the pulpit. I haven't been involved in a stewardship campaign in 15 years. Tiny Village doesn't believe in pledging and didn't want me talking about money. In fact, I was ordered not to talk about money. Unfortunately for them, I'm going to preach the Gospel, including the uncomfortable parts about money. They haven't necessarily liked it, but I have preached about money and stewardship, and according to one member the church is in better shape than it ever has been financially.

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I find myself wondering if stewardship is an area with as many landmines in Capital as it is here in Tiny Village. I wonder how many I will discover the hard way. I have to say, though, that I'm very impressed that Capital has planned a stewardship campaign without the help or guidance of a pastor. I'm coming in to something they have already figured out and have going. It's going to be nice to be in ministry with a congregation that doesn't depend on the pastor to do everything. I'm looking forward to it.

A Good Evening

Personal Assistant came to help with the packing process yesterday evening. She pushes me, and I need that. We tackled the basement. Daughter was great. She ran up and down the stairs for us, taking out trash, getting us trash bags and other things we needed. I sorted through everything. Lots of things were thrown out or donated. Some things were packed. Everything left to be packed was placed on a work bench and is ready for the movers.

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I took Daughter out for ice cream before bedtime. I had promised her that we'd get ice cream when the basement was done. She was delighted. It was amazing how much we were able to accomplish with her helping. She did all the running for us.

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I was dreading the basement. As I looked at all the trash I'm getting rid of, I was contemplating getting a dumpster. PA's dad has a trailer that dumps (farm families have all sorts of handy gadgets). He's going to bring it over this morning. They will take care of dumping everything I decide needs to go to the dump. Saturday morning PA will be back with her mother. We'll tackle the guest room and the study. I have to empty my enormous desk since I've decided to get rid of it. I'm going to take most of the leaves out of the dining room table. Our final board meeting will be at the church. With a smaller table in there, we will be able to stack packed boxes in there. That way they will be out of the way.

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I'm going to give a donation to the church to cover final cleaning and repairs to the house. That way I won't feel as guilty about not leaving it spotless. I'm feeling good about the progress I've made.

Decisions

At times I find making decisions very difficult. I like to stay open to the possibilities. It's interesting, because the big decisions are relatively easy-- I knew it was time to seek a new call, and I didn't hesitate about accepting the call to Capital. I knew that was what God wanted me to do, so I did it. The decision to adopt Daughter was easy. Decisions related to her health and safety are relatively easy.

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Other decisions, though.... For those of you who are familiar with Myers/Briggs, I am a complete and total P with absolutely no points on the J end of the spectrum. I'm creative, and I rebel against too much structure. Daughter has to have structure, and it is very challenging for me to consistently provide the level of structure she needs. I set a menu for the week, and then find myself questioning and modifying it. I want to be open to all the possibilities.

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There are parts of this move that are becoming excruciating. Specifically, the part that involves making decisions about what to take and what to leave behind. At first I wasn't going to take my big desk. The third bedroom was going to be a guest room, and I didn't want a desk in the living room or family room. Then I decided I didn't want a dedicated guest room, so I was going to take the desk. This morning I was sitting in the living room working on the computer. I realized that I seldom sit and work at my desk. It is large, and the large surface attracts clutter. It is 3' x 6', and it will take up entirely too much space in a bedroom that is only 11' x 9'. If I don't take it, I'll have room for the 2 sets of bookshelves from the TV room that I wasn't going to move. So I'm back to not taking it. In fact, I offered to sell it to the woman who is buying my refrigerator and freezer. She thinks she wants it. Once it's sold, that should stop me from torturing myself for the next few weeks. I have a desk top on top of 2 file cabinets that I will use in the new house, and eventually I will decide what kind of desk I want and where I want it. Right now the desk top holds two printers (one laser and one color that is also a scanner). I'll have to figure out where to put those, too. Maybe they'll fit in the cabinets at the bottom of the bookshelves I now have room for in the guest room.

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I now know what I'll do with the third bedroom-- at least until I come up with another possibility....

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No

Workshop/Gift Shop

Each year when we do Daughter's Individual Plan, I stress the need for them to structure her time. I explain that Daughter doesn't do well with unstructured time. I explain that Daughter isn't able to structure her time. I tell them if there's nothing for her to do, they can give her a puzzle book and tell her to do a word search. They can ask her to sweep the floor, or read someone a book. I emphasize that she can't handle unstructured time.

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Yesterday Daughter didn't call me at all. She came home happy. She was having a good day. She had been busy all day, helping Super Supervisor do some baking. Today, she's been calling me. She's bored. I've been trying to give her things to do, but it's not working well. It's in her plan. I emphasize whenever I see them. They see that Daughter can't handle unstructured time. So why didn't they structure her time for her today? Because I'll have her out a couple of days, she only has 10 more days to be there. I'm grateful.

Food

Last night Daughter checked her blood sugar before supper. It was 360 (normal is less than 120). She stared at her meter in disbelief, "I wasn't into anything. I swear I wasn't into anything."

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I told her to wash her hands and recheck. She did. Her blood sugar came down to 224. "Okay, what were you into? I figure you were into fruit and some juice was left on your fingers. Was it grapes, a peach?"

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"Mixed fruit."

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I will be so glad when I can lock all the food up. Three weeks from today we will be moving in.

"You Know I'll Win"

We were having a surprisingly honest conversation this evening. Daughter was supposed to be hanging up the clean laundry. She came out with the pathetic look on her face and said, "We need to talk." I assured we would talk as soon as she finished the laundry. She vanished for a while, and when she came back out, I was on the phone. She went upstairs and came back down, asking to watch a particular TV show. I asked what had happened to her need to talk. She was evasive. I said, "You wanted to talk because you didn't want to do the laundry."

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I told her no on the TV show, but invited her to sit next to me and talk. She sat down and wrapped herself around my arm. We talked about all the activities she'd had at the gift shop today. She hadn't called me at all. I pointed out that when she's busy, she feels better. She offered a feeble protest.

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She asked me to tell her about the move to Tiny Village, because she couldn't remember. She was terrified in our home in inner city. She'd had so many nightmares and hallucinations about the abuse that she didn't feel save. Her therapist and I had decided that we needed to emphasize that she'd be safe when we moved, that her birth family wouldn't even know what state we were living in. She talked about her fears in terms of monsters, so we decided we would tell the monsters we were moving to a different state, and that way they wouldn't be able to follow us. She picked out the name of a distant state, and in the house when we discussed the move, that was where we said we were going. She thought it was a fun game, and really got into it.

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The move went fairly smoothly, and she was excited about the fresh start and leaving her fears and monsters behind. So I told her the story, and suggested that this move would also provide her a fresh start and be good. I have promised to get her a new cell phone when we go into change our numbers. She's past due for one, so I promised her one after we move to make the move more attractive. She said when she got her new cell phone, she'd have to put her friends numbers in it. I agreed, and suggested that she could call them and give them her new number. She said something about not being able to remember it. I pointed out that she has an excellent memory for numbers-- she quickly memorized all my numbers, making it impossible for me to escape from her. I said I didn't think I'd give her my new number.

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"What if I have an emergency?"

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"If you don't have my number, you won't have an emergency."

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We went back and forth on this a couple of times, and finally she said, "You know I'll win."

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I didn't admit it, but I know she will create the emergencies to get my attention as she tests to see how things will work in Capital. She'll test the new program, and she'll test me. I hope we pass.

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Oh, and that laundry she'd taken care of? I got suspicious when I went to the bathroom and found a laundry basket with my hung up clothes draped over the top. I lifted up the hangers, and sure enough, all her clothes were wadded up in the bottom of the basket. After much protesting, she hung them up with me watching.

Regrouping

Daughter and I both enjoyed the day off from packing and stress yesterday. We had a good time at the fair. Come evening Daughter got very anxious and insisted we only had one more week here. She had me concerned for a minute, but then I opened the calendar and showed her that in reality, we have 3 weeks.

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I am reading Leaders Who Last by Dave Kraft right now. It is helping me plan my work and feel less stressed about it. This morning I did the worship programs for the rest of September. I only have to figure out October 3 now, and then I will be done with that part of my work here. Having those done is a great stress reducer. I have help coming this afternoon, and I think we will tackle the study again. I need to clean out some files and such in there.

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I'm beginning to make some decisions, which is good. I have someone who wants to buy my refrigerator, which is great. I think she'll take the freezer, too. Progress is being made, and as I've worked on my priorities, I find I am feeling less stressed. Hopefully I will continue to experience this piece about the whole process.

Fair Day

Today we will make our annual pilgrimage to the County Fair. The weather is supposed to be pleasant today, so that will be nice. I actually slept in this morning-- I haven't done that in while. I woke up a little after 6:00, but after using the bathroom went back to bed until 8:45. I was exhausted. Yesterday was a wonderful day, and an exhausting one. Daughter is still asleep. I've called her once, but am not going to push her to get up quite yet.

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This week I'll be doing more packing and sorting. I'm also going to begin to take communion to the shut-ins one last time. It will be an opportunity to say goodbye to them. I suspect it may be next year before someone takes them communion again, so I will do it now.

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I have received two cards from people connected to the church thanking me and wishing me well. Both expressed regret that I am leaving. The people do understand, especially about the need for more opportunities for Daughter. I've been surprised that several think it's an amazing sacrifice that I'm willing to move to provide opportunities for her.

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The people I talked to yesterday, those who grew up here but have moved away, recognize that this is a challenging congregation. They were all complimentary of the work I've done here over the past 14 years.

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This is going to be another week of balancing the needs here, Daughter's needs, and preparation for the move. I have decided, though, that today is about the County Fair. Everything else can wait until tomorrow.

The Big Event

We got over to the church about 4:00, and spent the next 5 1/2 hours eating, visiting, singing, listening, giving and receiving hugs, and saying many emotional good byes. I received many compliments on my ministry here from the people who had come from distant places for the Big Event.

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Daughter was interesting. Part of the time she was circulating on her own greeting people. When we finally sat down for the event itself, she would move away from me, and then hang on me. She would sit holding her head like she was dying, and then stand up and sing her heart out. She wasn't getting the reaction she was looking for from me. Several times she told me she had to leave. I wouldn't let her, so she'd be pathetic and act like she was dying, and when that didn't work she'd stand up and sing. It must have been very frustrating for her, not being able to get the attention she was seeking.

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All in all it was a good evening. A very good evening.