Sunday, September 19, 2010

Feeling Guilty

I'm sure, when I actually move, that I will miss some things about Tiny Village. I've lived here 14 years, longer than I've lived any place since I left my parents' home to go to college. At this point, though, I'm so excited about the move and arriving in Capital that I'm not thinking much about what I'll leave behind here. I've always been an outsider here. I wasn't born here, and they didn't know 4 generations of my family. My ancestors didn't come here from the right part of the world. There are some people I will miss, of course, but I feel no regret about leaving.
Daughter spent much of the weekend apologizing. She apologized for wetting the bed, for getting into food, for not having a perfect attitude. For the most part, she did well, and I told her that repeatedly, but she continued to apologize. I wonder if she feels guilty, too, about how excited she is to move.
This has been a good place, but it has never been my culture. Because Daughter was younger when we moved here, she has been more accepted and the culture has had more influence on her life.
I've served here long and well. I am confident that this is God's call to us. I guess I don't need to feel guilty about the ease with which I embrace the future to which God has called us. The families here may live here for generations and find change hard, but that is their culture, not mine. Now I'm going back to my culture. At closing, I took in a key chain my Dad had gotten from his work. It was a symbol for a company that has been absorbed into something else. I took it because it was his good stewardship that provided me the resources to buy this house. If I were to pull it out here, no one would know what it meant. When I pulled it out at closing, it was immediately recognized and prompted memories from those gathered. I truly am going home. I don't need to feel guilty about going home.


Anonymous said...

I am very excited that everything is going well and that you have so much help in Capital. I pray that daughter can get some inner calm and begin to adjust very soon. My many fetal alcohol affected adult adoptees would be off the charts too experiencing this huge change.

Cathy said...

No. You don't need to feel guilty. Quite the opposite. And I think it's very natural to become more aware of the challenges and pressures that one has lived with almost unnoticed, at the point of leaving. I think part of God's anointing is the supernatural ability to live with things one wouldn't naturally choose. And when it's time to move on, that anointing shifts too. You have served well and faithfully for 14 years. It's great to be excited by the move. Enjoy!

Reverend Mom said...

Thank you both. I do grieve for the things I will miss here. I told the board tonight that I will definitely miss the youth group-- and some of them.

I'm really proud of how well Daughter is doing with the move, overall. This is a huge change for her, and we have been in transition for way too long. I know how hard it is for me, and I have much better coping skills than she has, and more control over the situation. The end is in sight. It will be better.