Abide

We're having communion tomorrow morning, and I have decided to abandon the lectionary for many of my remaining Sundays to share the things I think the congregation needs to hear to prepare them for the search for a new pastor. Tomorrow my sermon is called, "Abide," and is based on John 15:1-17. A portion of the passage reads:

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“I am the true vine, and my Father is the vine grower. 2 He removes every branch in me that bears no fruit. Every branch that bears fruit he prunes to make it bear more fruit. 3 You have already been cleansed by the word that I have spoken to you. 4 Abide in me as I abide in you. Just as the branch cannot bear fruit by itself unless it, neither can you unless you abide in me. 5 I am the vine, you are the branches. Those who abide in me and I in them bear much fruit, because apart from me you can do nothing."

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We don't use abide very often in our normal conversation, and I wasn't sure we truly understand what it means. I dusted off my dusty Greek references to do some research this year. Among the meanings are remain and wait. What jumped out at me was verse 4: "Abide in me as I abide in you." I found myself reflecting on the last 4 years as I've been waiting for a new call, trusting God knew what was best, but still frustrated at times. But what amazed me was the thought that God had waited on me and remained with me through even more frustrating times.

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Then I find myself thinking about Daughter with regards to this passage. Obviously, I am very frustrated with her right now. She wanted to talk this afternoon. She told me what I already knew. She was upset that I had someone in the car with me when I went to get her, and the conversation with the realtor bothered her. She's afraid of the move. I told her I understood that, and she needed to find other ways to deal with her feelings about this. I told her that no matter what the circumstances or feelings, she was in control of how she responded and her actions. I explained again that I had a right to live in safety, and while I would always love her, if she continued to be abusive to me, she would have to live somewhere else. I told her she'd still be my daughter, but she wouldn't be able to live here. I told her if I treated her the way she treated me, she would be removed from here for her safety and I would have charges filed against me. She sat silent for a long time. Finally she said, "I'm remembering. This isn't the first time I've verbally abused you. I should be gone now." I acknowledged it wasn't the first time, and told her I wasn't going to get rid of her or kick her out right now.

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I went to the laundry room and discovered that she had found a new place to hide clean clothes she didn't want to deal with. I told her to go get them and come sit beside me in the study and take care of them. She didn't like this, and muttered something about, "Don't make me explode." I ignored it, but have to admit I was concerned, wondering how far I dared to push her. She went and got the clothes, and came and sat on my floor. She moved them around for a few minutes, and then withdrew to her bedroom again to sleep.

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I'm very concerned about our house hunting expedition tomorrow. I'm not at all confident of her ability to handle it at this point. God abides with us. I need to abide with God. God will get me through.

The Morning After.

Daughter came downstairs this morning and PA was here helping me fill pill boxes. She looked in but didn't say anything. I ignored her. I heard her check her blood sugar and begin her breakfast. I went into the kitchen, asked her what her blood sugar was, and gave her insulin.

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PA and I had moved to the study, and Daughter came in and dumped a note on my desk. Interestingly, she addressed me by my name in the note, which read:

Dear _____,

I am sorry about being a jack**s yesterday. I am sorry for breaking your picture.

I hate myself for doing all that.

I am always going to hate myself.

(Your friend I hope,)

______

P.S. I am sorry about all the lying.

I didn't read it immediately, telling her I would look at it later. I printed out a piece of paper with 5 questions on it and took it in and dropped it next to her (she was laying on the living room floor in a fetal position). She filled it out and brought it to me after PA left:

What happened?

I had lied to my mom about being dry and I stole .50 from her just to get a pop. When I got home I told my mom it was just sweat, when really I had wet the bed.

How did I feel?

I felt very bad, mad, sad, very, very, very very, very, very angry.

What did I do?

I broke something very valuable to my mom and I really hurt her.

GUILT TRIP.

How did that work?

I was not able to sleep very well last night. Also not talking to each other.

What could I do differently next time?

Tell my mom the truth in the mornings also at the bed so that I could earn .50 w/o [stealing].

She then signed it. I have duplicated what she wrote with her grammar and spelling (actually, she wrote stilling, not stealing.) Amazing her written skills with her IQ of 68. She has cried genuine tears, and I have hugged her. I gave her a task to do, but she has retreated to her room and is sleeping. I'm still tired. This move is going to be challenging for her emotionally, which will make it challenging for me. We will make it through, but I suspect that tired is just going to be a way of life for a while.

"Congratulations, You Hurt Me."

Daughter called while I was in the nursing home visiting some folks. I'd left my cell phone in the car, so when I saw that she'd called me, I called her back (I'd missed the call by just a couple of minutes). She didn't answer, but she then called me back. "Why didn't you answer when I called?" She was obviously angry. I apologized and explained I forgot to take my phone with me when I went into the nursing home. She then goes into this long story about how she didn't feel good and she checked her blood sugar and it was 96 (normal) and did I really want her to ride the bus home. I told her she'd be fine on the bus, and asked if she had her supplies for a low. She forgot them at the gift shop and now she was at the workshop waiting for the next bus and they didn't have any of her crackers there. I had flash backs to a Friday evening in the ER. Since I was in Town, I decided to just go get her. I had one of the saints with me, so I don't think she was real pleased when she saw him and had to sit in the back seat.

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We got home and talked about the possibility of going out to eat and to the concert in the park this evening. Then the realtor called. We were talking about the details of our house hunting trip this Sunday and Monday. Daughter began getting obnoxious, pointing at the time and clapping her fingers and stomping her feet in impatience. I finally got off the phone, and she announced she wanted to go to Town to eat and then pick up her prescriptions and come home (we'd tried to pick them up after I got her from the workshop, but the final 4 had just been called in). She informed me she had a headache and was not going to the concert. I said I wasn't keen on going to town just to eat. She demanded a movie. I said no. I finally decided we'd go ahead and go to town for supper and to pick up the prescriptions, but I decided against the pizza buffet. She was not happy with my choice.

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When we got to the restaurant, I pointed to a sandwich I thought she'd like. It was relatively new on the menu, but I'd had it and enjoyed it. She wanted the most expensive item on the menu. I said no. She continued to pick arguments. We finally agreed on a meal she could have that wasn't too heavy on carbs. I tried to engage her in conversation, but her responses were all surly. I told her when she was ready to talk to me without whining or growling to let me know, and pulled out my smart phone to read the news. She quickly apologized.

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As we finished our meal, she volunteered to walk to the pharmacy and start signing for the prescriptions. I agreed, and paid and waited for her. When we got home, she wanted to go for a walk. I told her she had to clean the litter boxes and empty the dishwasher first. She bargained to do the dishwasher after her walk, and I agreed. She went for walk, put away the clean dishes, and asked to turn on the TV.

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"Is your room clean?"

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"Yes it is."

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"Will it pass my inspection?"

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"It should."

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"What about the bed?"

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"It's been a long time since we've changed the sheets."

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"They were clean yesterday."

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"Are you sure?"

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"Yes, I washed them because you wet the bed."

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She started hemming and hawing about how they were damp because she sweat so much. I told her to go upstairs and check them. If they were wet because she was sweating, they should be dry by now. If she'd wet the bed, to bring them down and put them in the washing machine. She came down carrying a laundry basket. This morning she proudly reported she was dry and demanded .50 so she could buy something to drink at the gift shop. She told me she lied because she wanted something to drink today. After she put the laundry in the washing machine (it was almost bedtime, so there was no way to get them done for her to go to bed at a decent hour) she came back and asked if she could watch TV. I told her no.

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That set her off, "Just because I told one little lie? Get over it! That's so unfair!" That was the beginning. I will leave out the more colorful language. I never raised my voice or said anything in anger I calmly pointed out the number of opportunities she'd had to tell the truth and had chosen to lie to me about her bed. I asked her to stop yelling at me. She grabbed her phone and prepared to take off. I demanded that she give me the phone. She told me I didn't deserve to have her, because I didn't know how to keep her safe. She accused me of all kinds of lovely things. She threatened to take a baseball bat to the car. I finally told her to go to her room, because I had a right to be safe from verbal abuse. She informed me verbal abuse didn't count, it wasn't real.

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Finally, she stormed upstairs, grabbed a collage of family photos she had made for my birthday a couple of years ago. She came downstairs and threw it across my study floor, shattering the glass. I asked what she'd broken, "Something you don't deserve." Of course she followed it by calling me a choice name. She stormed back upstairs. I followed, but by the time I got there, I was crying. I told her to stay in her room. I couldn't take any more. She opened the door as I was heading back downstairs. I said, "Congratulations, you hurt me."

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She came downstairs in pj's a minute ago and looked in to see what I was doing. I continued typing and didn't look up. She didn't speak, but returned upstairs. I'm going to have to get her her night time pills and insulin. I'll have to figure out a bedtime snack for her. Her linens are still in the washing machine. Right now, I don't want her anywhere near me.

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Here's the scary part for me: If she takes off here in Tiny Village, I'm going to get concerned phone calls. We're going to be moving to Capital. What's going to happen when she pulls this kind of stuff there? How am I going to keep her safe? I have had difficulty sleeping the past 2 nights. Two more of the houses I liked are no longer available. It's still more than 3 weeks before I can begin to talk openly about the fact that I'm going to be moving. Hopefully I will sleep tonight, and will rediscover my joy and excitement by morning. Tonight, though, I'm just tired.

Anxiety and Waiting

Daughter is understandably anxious about the move. When she's anxious, she needs more mommy time. I'm getting multiple phone calls from her every day. It gets annoying, but I recognize where the need is coming from, so I work very hard at being patient. So far, she hasn't called at a time when I couldn't take a minute to calm her down and provide reassurance. So far, she hasn't objected when I haven't agreed to come running to rescue her. The other day, after she called me, sobbing, she went and found Super Supervisor. She told SS that she needed a mommy. SS asked if I was coming, and Daughter told her I wasn't. So SS held Daughter. Physical contact is supposedly against the rules, but that didn't stop her. She gave Daughter what she needed at that point in time.

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I've been making time for Daughter when she first gets home. I sit down on the couch and she sits next to me. She leans against me. We may talk for a few minute, but generally she just falls asleep. By 4:00, she is exhausted. I'm hoping that locating a house will reduce her anxiety. If that doesn't work, I hope that between phone calls and SS, she will be able to manage the anxiety until the move. The other day when she called, I asked if calling and talking to me helped. She said it did. I then reminded her that the most important thing about the move is that we'll still be together.

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When we moved here, it wasn't as long a process. I had already resigned from the church in City, so I didn't need to give them notice. We didn't have to find housing here, as the church provides us with this wonderful home. This time, it's going to take longer. It's going to be more complicated. Last time, we were moving into a much larger house, this time, we'll most likely be moving into a smaller house. Last time, everything was moved here, to the house, because there wasn't an office in the church (that was one of the changes I made-- an office and secretary at the church). This time, my books and such will need to go to the office at the church. When we moved here, she started 3rd grade in the fall. This time, we'll have to go in and figure out what resources are available and what best meets her needs. She has reason to be anxious. I'm grateful that between phone calls and SS, we're able to help her manage that anxiety.

The First Resource

I just had a phone call from a member of the search committee in Capital. He wanted to run their plans for my candidating weekend by me. There are going to be lots of groups and people to meet. He was thinking that Saturday for supper he might set me up with one particular family that has a member who spent his career in the special education field. He thought he would be a good resource for me as I begin to plan to navigate the system and get services for Daughter. I thought that sounded wonderful.

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Daughter has struggled at the gift shop the last two days. She is anxious about the move (which is contributing to the food issues). Today she called in tears and said, "Can't we just move now?" I'm hoping that once we have a house and things are more definite, it will ease her anxiety somewhat. I'm going to sit down and do some planning with her tonight. Maybe if she sees us working on the move, that will help. I found a charity used book sale that will be collecting books throughout the month of August. I need to get some boxes and begin to pull out books I can give a way. I can't make decisions about furniture yet, but I can certainly begin to make decisions about books.

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I hear that they are as excited in Capital as we are down here in Tiny Village. The wait is hard, but there is more than enough work to fill that time. Tonight we'll start in on it.

Sigh

Daughter has been eating the same cereal every morning for a couple of weeks. Today she wanted a different kind. I immediately got suspicious, and asked what had happened to the cereal she'd been eating. She pointed to the unopened box. "It's there. I'm trying to do better. Why don't you trust me?"

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"It's going to take time for you to earn my trust. The night before last you ate all the pretzels." It's a common conversation to which she has no response. A few minutes later, I opened the refrigerator door. The broccoli salad was missing. She raided the refrigerator during the middle of the night. Sigh. She spent the rest of the morning yelling at me.

Wow! A Miracle

Saturday the Sunday School Superintendent came by and informed me Sunday School for youth and adults was broken. She told me it wasn't her job to fix it, it was mine (I'm told to stay away from Sunday School until it hits a crisis, then the same people who tell me to stay away come running and tell me to fix it). I spent today looking for new curriculum, and we had a meeting this evening. I gave them Modern Parables as an option.

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They decided to show the videos the youth and adults, and then have the adults and youth split up for the discussion following the video whenever there are enough youth to have a decent discussion. They decided that we should show trailers for the series in worship, beginning this Sunday. They want me to bring out the dreaded projector and screen. They want the trailers shown during the worship service. The only time I used the projector in worship, I was told it was a good video but I shouldn't do it again. Now they want it used. They want it used every Sunday for the next 6 weeks in worship to advertise the new Sunday School program this fall. They want it used every Sunday in Sunday School. Maybe there has been progress here in Tiny Village. Maybe they are willing to proclaim the Gospel in new ways, like our vision statement says.

41 Inches

I have been looking at pictures of houses online and considering my priorities. A big one is that my next kitchen is bigger and has more counter space. I like to make big batches of favorite meals and then freeze them in single serving containers for lunches and fast suppers. It gets very challenging to find the space to work on a marathon cooking day. I've been trying to figure out how much space I need. Last night I measured the usable counter space in the kitchen. I have 41 inches between the sink and the stove. There is another 19 inches between the refrigerator and sink, which is good for putting things on when opening and closing the refrigerator. I don't really count that as counter space. There aren't any outlets near it so I can't even plug the toaster or iced tea maker in there.

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I have been trying to figure out what is big enough, and pondering whether I need to increase my budget to get a better kitchen. I have decided that any kitchen that will give me more than 41 inches of counter space is an improvement. I will take my tape measure with me when I look at houses on Sunday and Monday. I have survived with 41 inches for 14 years now, so I can certainly make anything with more counter space than that work. I don't think it will be that much of a challenge to find a house with more than 41 inches of counter space.

Juggling

I can tell I'm going to become an even better juggler over the next few months. This morning between home and the church office I was dealing with approving revisions to the brochure to introduce me to Capital, Sunday bulletin, August newsletter, invitation letter for other churches to September event, mortgage broker (I now have a preapproval letter), handing off a monthly task to Secretary, computer problems, regional church overseers, phone calls, and Daughter (she wanted me to come get her because it was too noisy). When I left, I ate lunch at home and then headed to City (24 miles each way) to visit one of the saints.

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Daughter made it through the day, and is doing a better job of being cooperative tonight, for which I'm grateful. The couple who was supposed to come for premarital counseling this evening cancelled. They've decided to get married elsewhere, and I'm relieved. It had the potential to be a very messy situation.

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Far Away Sister is sending me the spreadsheet she used to evaluate houses when they moved a couple of years ago. Tonight I discovered that the reason the picture of the kitchen in my favorite house is at a weird angle is to cover that it is VERY small. I suspect that it is so small it will take that house out of the running, which is too bad. I received a bunch of forms from Realtor. The purchase offer paperwork is much more involved than it was 20 years ago when I purchased a home. Of course, it varies from state to state, and I'm buying in a different state this time.

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Even with all the responsibilities I'm juggling right now, I feel good. I'm excited about the future, and it's a wonderful feeling!

House Hunting

Realtor has now sent me information on 15 houses and 10 condos. I've identified 12 of those properties as things I'd like to look at. I'm having a hard time prioritizing what I want in my next house. I owned a home the last 5 years I lived in City, but for the past 14, I've had no say on where I lived and have had to live with the paint colors, flooring, etc, that were here.

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I've had several conversations with Realtor. I've not heard back from Mortgage Broker who was supposedly looking for a mortgage for me. The last thing I heard from MB was something about the challenges of getting approval right now. I have an excellent credit rating and huge down payment, but the fact that I haven't been making a house payment for a number of years will hurt me.

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I'm working very hard at not getting caught up in the details. This is proving to be a challenge. Figuring out what my priorities are in a new home is challenging. I'd like a kitchen with more counter space. A gas stove would be nice. A pantry that I could easily lock would be fantastic. It would be wonderful to have a bedroom with my very own master bath. I told Realtor that one bathroom homes are out of the question-- as there are too many times when one of our toilets is waiting for me to plunge it.

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I'd like to have a guest bedroom, and someplace for a home office. I have a big, beautiful desk right now, but am pondering the possibility of getting a desk in an armoire and then putting it in a corner of our living room or family room. This house is over 2,000 square feet. How much space do we actually need? Far Away Sister points out that it is very important that there be enough space that I can get away from Daughter when I need a break. Some of the homes have a first floor master bedroom. Could Daughter handle our bedrooms being on different levels? Our bedrooms have always been close together.

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How important is location? Is it more important to be near the church, or is the proximity of potential job opportunities for her the priority? Is it even realistic to think that someday she will be capable of community employment? There is a possibility that I could purchase a home in the next county and still be in the school district of the church. Would this open up more opportunities for Daughter? How much house can I afford? I haven't made house or utility payments in a long time. I will be getting a nice raise, so I know I will be able to afford a nice home, but I don't want to overextend myself. Sometimes I wonder if my brain will explode from all the possibilities.

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It is a buyer's market right now, and I am confident that I will find a house that will work well for us when we make the trip up there this weekend. Realtor is going to email me sample purchase offers and seller's disclosures on all the houses we will be showing us. I could easily lose myself in house hunting right now, but I have lots I need to do here in Tiny Village. I suspect that the next two months will be a balancing act as I deal with bringing my ministry here to a conclusion and do all I need to do to move and begin my ministry in Capital.

Daughter's Explanation

After 5 dry nights, I suggested that perhaps the uncertainty about whether we'd been moving had contributed to the bed wetting. Daughter thought that was a possibility, but thought it has more to do with the fact that she isn't thinking about Flasher and Nice Guy any more. I pointed out that since she's happier without a boyfriend, maybe she should stop looking for one. She didn't think that was a good idea. I tried. For now, I'll enjoy the dry bed as long as it lasts....

The First Onerous Task

This morning I'm dragging Daughter off to an in-store portrait studio to get some pictures taken. Capital wants pictures to use in a brochure they will mail out to the congregation. I don't know who is dreading this more: Daughter, or me. I will be glad when it's done.

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This is going to be a very busy week. In addition to preparing to the little things I need to do as I prepare to move, I have a number of responsibilities here in Tiny Village. I'm looking forward to everything-- except the pictures. The sooner those are done and emailed off to the appropriate people, the better.

They Said That?

This afternoon I got a call from a woman in Capital. She was putting together an information sheet on me to take to a special board meeting tomorrow night. She wanted me to look at it. She said she was amazed at how lucky they were as she began to list my various gifts. I told her not to make me sound too good! She emailed me a copy of it so I could look over it. She wanted help on what to say about Daughter. I was pleased with her sensitivity on that, and put in that 20 years ago I had opened my home and my heart to a hurting 3 year old, and that Daughter is as excited about the move as I am.

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She quoted things I had said in interviews. I sounded pretty good. The most interesting thing, though, was what my references had said. My preaching and pastoral care were praised. The best line was, "She is smart, articulate, interesting with an excellent memory." I said that whoever said that hadn't tested my memory since menopause! The woman thought that was amusing, but suggested it wouldn't be a good thing to put on the information sheet. I don't know, maybe then they wouldn't expect so much of me-- they're doing an excellent job of selling me!

The Second and Third Things I Won't Miss

The church here in Tiny Village does not have AC, so if it's too hot in the sanctuary when they open the church, worship is moved to the basement. The board set a temperature at which we move. There are some who do not want to move downstairs ever, so they go through amazing contortions to get the temperature down enough upstairs. Today, they'd even put a fan blowing on the key thermostat so it would read cool enough. It was a cooler morning, and it was fine.

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Our office area is at the back of the church. It faces west and has stained glass windows in it. It gets very hot when the afternoon and evening sun beat on it, and because of the thick brick walls, it retains that heat. When we get in on summer mornings, we open the doors at either end of the office and start some fans to get a breeze through the office. It is almost always cooler outside than in the office in the mornings. This morning I walked into the office and there is a huge note taped to Secretary's computer monitor that says that no doors are to be opened if the temperature is over 80 outside. We can use fans if we want a breeze. We were directed to call Angry Man if we had any questions.

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I went out and stood on the front porch to get some cooler air and pray. After worship, I told the man who is in charge of the building board to meet me in the office. I gave him 2 DSL filters that need to be installed (I tried, but there weren't modular jacks, so I wasn't going to mess with it.) I showed him the note from Angry Man. He chuckled and shook his head. I told him that if it is cooler outside than it is in the office, we will be opening the doors, but I will keep the doors leading to the sanctuary closed. I told him it was a safety issue, and if we couldn't do that, we wouldn't be able to work in this area and they'd have to figure something else out. He said that would be fine.

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I won't miss Angry Man, and I won't miss the lack of AC. Capital's building has air conditioning.

The First Improvement

I am almost afraid to blog about this, but.... Daughter has now been dry 4 nights in a row. This is the longest dry stretch since she began wetting the bed at the end of January when we were out of town interviewing for a church. I'm thinking the uncertainty and fear were major contributors the bed wetting.

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It's interesting, because there is still so much that is unknown, but she is obviously pleased to know where we are going, even if where we will live and when we will move is still uncertain. This afternoon we are going to look at houses online and prioritize the ones we want to see next Sunday/Monday. We are also going to begin to make a list of the things we need to do before we move. Once we know where we will be living, we can begin to make decisions about what furniture we'll take and what furniture we'll leave behind.

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While Daughter has her moments of insisting she is not going to move, she is generally very excited about it. The fear is there, but it's not overwhelming her. Seeing how she is handling this gives me great hope that she will blossom once we move. Far Away Sister and her family sent Daughter the book Beginning. It arrived yesterday. We read through it, and it helped Daughter talk about some of her feelings. I think we will set aside to read it on a daily basis. We need to write a thank you not to Far Away Sister. She bought the book several years ago for Tall Niece and Nephew as they were getting ready to move across the country, and she thought it would be helpful for Daughter, she was right.

The First Disappointment

I had a long conversation with my realtor tonight. The house I fell in love with is a short sale. It has an offer into the bank and a back up offer as well. The bank has been considering the first offer for 6 weeks and isn't close to a decision yet. Since I want to move in at the end of September, I'm going to make a trip up there next Sunday and Monday to see if I can find another house I love. My realtor assures me we will find several. He's going to begin checking to see about which houses are short sales and if they already have bank approval. If not, I'll not make an offer. I don't have time to wait for a bank to decide whether or not to accept my offer.

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While I'm disappointed, I'm very comfortable with my realtor. I know we will find something. He also wants me to consider condos, and we talked about the pros and cons of those tonight. It would be nice not to have to worry about snow removal, lawn care, and other exterior maintenance. I'm excited about going up and finding our next home.

The First Thing I Won't Miss

I slept in until almost 9:00 this morning, and then came downstairs in my pj's. Of course on a day I'm being lazy, people start dropping by. The second drop-in, a woman in the church, wasn't too bad, but I wasn't thrilled to find 3 strange men on my doorstep this morning here to talk to me about the Gideons visiting the church. I can get up and get showered and dressed first thing Saturday morning for months, and no one stops by. The first time I'm lazy, though, numerous people will stop by.

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When we move to Capital, we won't live right next door to the church. There will be fewer people just stopping by, especially early on Saturday morning. That will be a welcome change.

The First Confirmation Daughter Needs to Move

Yesterday evening Daughter told me what happened last Friday night. We didn't go to the concert yesterday evening. We were under a heat advisory, so we stayed home and Daughter snuggled next to me while we watched TV. Early in the evening Daughter had asked me why we couldn't just move now (it will be at least 2 months before we move). But later she began to cry and tell me she couldn't move. She couldn't leave her friends, especially Best Friend Mommy, who has appointed her godmother to her baby. She couldn't leave because she wouldn't be able to see them. I pointed out she didn't see them now, and asked how many times she had seen the baby. She surprised me by telling me she'd seen them twice. I asked when she'd seen them the second time, expecting to hear the BFM had come by the workshop with the baby.

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She told me a scary story. Last Friday, after they finished pizza, Nice Guy began pressuring Daughter to sneak off with him. He wanted to go to the courthouse and get married. I think he must have finally used the heat and the promise of visiting BFM to get her into the car. Once he got her into his car, he wouldn't let her use her cell phone to call me for a while. I don't know what all happened, and I'm not sure I want to know. Fortunately, the courthouse was closed, so getting married wasn't an option.

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I am very grateful that Daughter broke up with NG Sunday evening. I hope that when I get her situated in a new program in Capital, there won't be the pressure to be a part of a couple and get married and make babies. That's one of the things I will be looking for in any programs we consider. I'm glad that I'm going to be getting Daughter away from this culture.

The First Salary Negotiation

Wow. Tiny Village has always resented having to pay a pastor. It's been a battle to get a cost of living raise, and they've never been willing to do more than that. I keep telling them that the minimum set by the regional overseers is not a salary cap. I point out that I'm making starting salary with many years of experience. They respond by complaining that they can't afford a full time pastor anymore.

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Today Capital sat down and figured out a salary package. My salary will increase by more than 25% when I move. They want to buy me a new computer. Here, the church refused to replace the 8 year old computer that wasn't working. Someone finally stepped in to donate a new one.

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This is going to be a whole new world. I'm looking forward to it.

The First Thing I Will Miss

As I was pulling back into my driveway after breakfast in Town, a car pulled in behind me. It was one of our farm wives, and she was on a mission to get rid of the corn they'd picked this morning. They spent Wednesday freezing corn, yesterday at the farm market selling corn, and today they were giving it away. I have 6 ears of corn sitting on my kitchen table. I'll be getting hamburgers out of the freezer and we will feast on hamburgers from the grill and fresh picked corn tonight for supper. Somehow I don't expect that when we move to Capital there will be people who will follow me into my driveway and beg me to take their fresh out of the field corn. I will miss that. My celebratory breakfast was great. In addition to celebrating, there was a bit of grief work as Organist mourns the death of her father 6 months ago.

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Now I'm off to City to visit the man how got a new knee yesterday.

The First Celebratory Breakfast and the First Round of Acting Out

This morning I'm meeting a good friend for breakfast. She was Organist here at the church for several years after I arrived. I enjoyed working with her on various projects, and so when she left for a church that paid more and was closer to her home, we remained friends, meeting monthly for a meal. She's the one who introduced me to my favorite deli.

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I enjoy our monthly meals. She understands the quirks of Tiny Village, so she's a good sounding board when I need it. She has been praying for my search, and has served as a reference for me. Having an organist as a reference is a good thing-- sometimes there are struggles between the pastor and music people, so the fact that I not only work well with them but one is my reference is a plus.

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We had to reschedule this month's meal, so I called her on Tuesday to tell her I'd received the call and set up our meal. She was excited, and didn't want to wait very long to get together. I'll drop Daughter off and then meet Organist.

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Wednesday evening Daughter (again) shoveled out her bedroom. I told her if she wanted to decorate her new bedroom, she had to show me she could keep her current bedroom clean. Last night she didn't want to take care of the laundry. She put it on for more time, and I told her I knew the clothes were dry and she needed to take care of them. Very quickly after she started I heard her go upstairs and heard her closet door open and close. When she came back downstairs, I had an observation, "Either you just did the fastest job in history taking care of the clean laundry, or you hid it in a wad in your closet."

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Her response was to become very angry, telling me she had, indeed hidden the clothes in a wad in her closet. She informed me she was done, and she was going to bed without her meds. I called her down at 11:00 to take her pills and insulin. She used the back porch bathroom, and left the lights on. I told her to turn off the lights before she went back to bed. She informed me I was a bossy b***h as she stormed back upstairs.

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I also discovered that she's been coming downstairs during the night and getting into food. She insisted she's been having low blood sugars. I reminded her that when she's low, she's supposed to wake me up. I put the alarm back on her room last night. At 3:30 this morning her door alarm woke me up. She felt low, and needed to go get her meter. I told her to bring it back upstairs to check, and stay out of the food. I should have gotten out of bed and taken care of it. I'll know for sure when she checks her blood sugar this morning, but it took her long enough to get the meter and she was slow enough telling me her blood sugar that I'm pretty sure she got into food while she was up.

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It will be interesting to see if she gets up belligerent or apologetic. The car ride to Town will be more pleasant if she's apologetic.

The First Two Fishing Expeditions

This morning a woman came into the church office to chat and hear the news. She kept asking me quite pointedly if there was anything new or anything she needed to know. I responded by giving status updates on people on the prayer list. She was too polite to come right out and ask if I was moving. It was rather amusing.

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Secretary called a member about setting up a meeting on August 8. She said August 15th would be better for her. I'm not willing to schedule anything on or after the 15th until I know what the schedule is for the formal meeting to call me to Capital. The woman kept guessing as to why I couldn't/wouldn't schedule anything on the 15th. Secretary kept repeating, "She's not able to make any commitment at this time." We enjoyed that conversation, too, as the woman involved is the town gossip. We know she was frustrated when the call was finished, because she hadn't been able to get any information out of Secretary.

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Daughter called me, sobbing. She announced she was having a nervous breakdown. I asked her again what;s the most important thing to remember, and she promptly recited, "We'll be together." I suggested she draw me some pictures of the way she wants to decorate her new bedroom. That cheered her up.

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The date the call becomes official is most likely going to be the 15th or 22nd of August. Somehow I don't think anyone in Tiny Village will be surprised when I announce I'm moving to Capital. In fact, I will be very surprised if they aren't openly talking about it by then.

Twenty Five Years

I will celebrate the 25th anniversary of my ordination about the time I begin serving Capital. Last night I was reflecting on where I was and what I was doing 25 years ago. I had been looking for a call for close to a year. I had begun the search before I graduated from seminary in December. Women ministers were still somewhat rare in those days, and churches reluctant to call us. Regional overseers, in an attempt to encourage more churches to call women, were requiring search committees to interview at least one woman in their search process. As a result, I was getting lots of interviews with committees seeking to meet the requirement, but not with committees interested in calling me.

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I was living in my bedroom in the basement of my parents' home. Brother, who was preparing to move into it, had already covered the cheery yellow paint with a dreary tan. Far Away Sister was graduating from college and getting married that summer, so we were both supposed to be moving away. I was helping out at my home church for pocket money. Among the positions for which I was interviewed: associate pastor in a suburban church, pastor of a small town church in New England, associate pastor of a church in a college town out west, and the position to which I was called: pastor of an inner city church in a crime ridden steel town. When I accepted that call, one of the regional overseers informed me that I fit the pattern, about every 5 years a church in that region called a woman to serve as pastor.

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I was remembering all of that last night. I had a conversation yesterday with the interim pastor at Capital. He had some good insights into the congregation, and confessed he had known more about the search process than he should have. One of the things he had known was that in the end they were deciding between two individuals, and both of us were women. This was the second church in a row where I was one of the last two, and both of the final candidates were women. He did tell me there were a few people who would have trouble with the fact that I was a woman, but as I reflected, I was amazed by how much things have changed in 25 years. Women are no longer getting token interviews to meet a quota, churches are now narrowing their search down to a final decision between two women who have risen to the top. When I was called to Inner City 25 years ago, I was one of very few women in that region. Yesterday my predecessor was naming all the women who serve in the area of Capital.

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Other things have changed, as well. I remember a classmate in seminary doing an evening program on the use of computers in the church. I didn't waste my time going, because there wasn't any use for computers in the church. The big discussion on campus was whether professors could force him to type papers rather than submitting papers he had printed out from his computer. Back then, dot matrix computers were the latest in technology. Now, I would have a difficult time functioning without my computer. Now, I am going to learn how to use PowerPoint in conjunction with my sermons.

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So today I find myself looking back on 25 years of ministry. I'm grateful for all I've learned in Inner City and Tiny Village, and I'm looking forward to ministry with Capital. I'm excited about this new world, and am glad I am a part of it.

The First Chance Encounter

This evening Daughter and I went out to eat and then to the Super Discount Store. As we were checking out, another Special Olympics Mom greeted Daughter, "I hear you're moving!"

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"Oops. Sorry, Mom." She turned to SOM and said, "No one is supposed to know."

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SOM heard it from her Daughter, who goes to the workshop. After we were done checking out, I went over and explained that nothing was official, and it wasn't supposed to be public knowledge, but I realized that is an impossibility in this county. Sigh.

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I had wonderful visits at the nursing home this afternoon, and I found a house I want to buy. It's a short sale. The house is a 32 year old contemporary home with lots of very nice features. It is listed for 30% less than what it sold for 8 years ago. I got the name of a realtor from a member of the search committee and sent the realtor an email asking for additional information. Did I mention I'm moving to a very depressed area of the country?

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We continue to be very excited. The background check is in progress. I need to get some pictures I can send them to use in the material they use to introduce me to the congregation. My first thought was to go to the portrait studio in the Super Discount Store. When Daughter and I show up there dressed up, anyone who hasn't already heard that we're moving will figure it out.

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In Capital we'll have a little more anonymity. I'm looking forward to that.

The First Phone Call

Yesterday evening I received a phone call from an officer in the church. She's one of my references, so she knows I've been seeking a new call. "Have you heard anything from that church?" Her daughter is a case manager at the workshop, and she had heard that we were moving. I told her it wasn't for publication, and it wasn't all finalized, but yes, we are moving.

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This is a small community, and I know that at least 2 individuals made a beeline for the women who were here Sunday from Capital. I'm sure that I will be receiving other phone calls like the one I received last night. I spent over 30 minutes on the phone with the woman last night. She thinks she'll just resign once I leave, because she doesn't want to hold her office if I'm not here. I offered reassurance, and told her that my main priority the next couple of months is going to be to do everything in my power to make sure the transition goes smoothly for the church. I told her to begin to make a list of the things that need to be addressed prior to my departure.

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She's mad at the people who have been wanting me to leave, and told me she hopes they get on the search committee. Then they can see what it's like to try to find a new pastor. I told her that currently there are 4-5 ministers looking for every position there is available. That surprised her. Of course, many of those people looking will not want to come to Tiny Village.

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After I finished talking to her, I called Far Away Sister (she had called in the midst of that conversation). I had forwarded her 4 real estate listings, and she and Tall Niece had decided which one was best. It was my favorite, too, and we can't believe how low the price is on it. Of course, it may be sold before I'm ready to buy, but I will find the right house in the right location. Daughter would love this particular house, because it's very close to the mall. That means it's also very close to a number of restaurants, which would mean community employment opportunities for her.

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Daughter was watching last night as I was getting some things ready to email to a mortgage broker as I seek preapproval and some idea of how big a mortgage I will be able to get. Suddenly she started to laugh. I looked up. "What's so funny?"

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"Nothing. I'm just happy."

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I'm happy, too.

Three and a Half Years

Three and a half years ago I came very close to getting a call. The committee was quite conflicted, and it took several meetings after my second visit with them before they decided that they were going to continue looking. The chair of the committee never responded to my emails or sent me my mileage check after they decided not to call me. I was disappointed, but knew in my heart of hearts that this was best. There had been lots of red flags as I looked back on my experience with them. They couldn't even agree on whether there last pastor has been wonderful or terrible, and there didn't seem to be any middle ground between the two views. They denied they had any conflict or issues. I had received a note from a member of the committee assuring me he was on my side. At the time, I was disturbed that he was taking my side rather than God's side.

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At the time I was very disappointed. With all of these issues, why was I disappointed? I was disappointed because I fell in love with the area in which it was located. It was closer to family (but not too close). It was close to my closest friend in the world. There were resources of all kinds for Daughter. It had the advantages of a large city without being too huge. I quickly realized, though, that there were other reasons why it would not have been a good time to move. My parents' health was deteriorating, and the next few years were spent struggling to balance the needs of my parents 150 miles from here with the needs of Daughter and the church here in Tiny Village. It was a challenging time, and there were many times that I gave thanks that I had not gotten that call and that I had not been trying to establish my ministry in a different church at the same time I was dealing with my parents' dying.

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One month from the day of my father's death last fall, the committee that has extended a call to me received my paperwork. Are you ready? They are in the same area as the church that didn't call me three and a half years ago. They are on the other side of the same city. It is in the area I fell in love with, and, it is a healthier congregation. They recognize their issues and have worked on them. They are eagerly waiting for their new pastor, and have been making plans to welcome their new pastor. I am now in a better place to take on a new position. I am healthier-- physically, spiritually, and emotionally. Have I mentioned that God is good?

Stress

The knowledge that we will be moving and all that will be involved with that move is of course stressful, but amazingly, I feel like a huge load of stress has lifted. For the past 4 years I've been living in uncertainty. Every time I have scheduled a wedding, I've wondered if I should warn the couple I might not be here for it. Every January in the board retreat when we've set the calendar for the year, I've felt a little guilty scheduling the December open house, recognizing that I might not be here for it. In August, when we've planned the senior luncheons for the year, I've wondered if it's fair for me to volunteer to prepare particular food items, knowing that I might not be here when the meal comes round.

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Over 4 years ago I went to see an attorney about getting guardianship of Daughter. He told me what it would cost, and then explained that it did not transfer between states. For 4 years I've been waiting to get guardianship until after we moved, not wanting to spend megabucks to get guardianship twice.

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I've struggled each year with vacation plans. Did I need to save vacation time for interviews? I've held off on buying things for our home. Would we need it/have space for it after we moved? We live in a large 4 bedroom home that the church provides, I've pondered whether I needed to be getting rid of stuff in preparation for a move, and I've struggled with the question of what should be downsized.

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For four years, many aspects of our lives have been in limbo, and decisions have been on hold. In the next month or so I will be putting an offer on a house, and thanks to my parents' good stewardship, I will have the resources to buy a more than adequate home for us. I will be making plans about decorating a house in which I get to choose the paint colors.

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I will be moving back to civilization. There will be grocery stores, department stores, and shopping malls within a mile of us. There will be options in restaurants. We will be able to get pizza delivered to our home. My ministry will be with people who are more like me in terms of background and education. It's back in my home state, so I understand the industry and the culture. I will be among people who enjoy reading, and won't dismiss me as a bookworm. I will be among people who will push me for more creativity in worship and for the use of PowerPoint, not people who complain if the music isn't from the very old hymnal we use.

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This morning, I already feel better, lighter. The next few months will be full of change and stress, and I will welcome it. Because I know where we're going. Four years of living amid uncertainty are ending. I have learned and grown in these four years, and I'm grateful to be looking ahead to the next challenge.

Next Steps

This evening I received a phone call from the search committee. The women went back and reported on the wonderful time they'd had yesterday, and they have extended the call to me. We are very excited. Brother and Sister are delighted that we will be closer to them. Far Away Sister is delighted that I will be back in civilization. Brother announced that they are pregnant today, and so he's delighted I will be closer. I'm the closest thing his children will have to a grandmother on our side of the family. My nieces and nephews are the closest I will get to grandchildren.

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Of course, there are still more hoops to jump through. I signed the forms so they can run a background check when I was up there last month, but they don't do the check until they have extended the call. We need to negotiate the package. I need to go up and preach a sermon for the congregation, and they need to do the formal vote to extend the call. I need to buy a house. Hopefully we can do that in August. After that, I need to give notice to this congregation. I figure it will be mid October before I actually move.

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Daughter is very excited, and a little bit nervous. I think that describes what I'm feeling, too. After I heard that sermon this afternoon, I thought God was telling me I needed to continue to wait. I'm glad I was wrong. Sister pointed out that I've waited long enough. I've been searching off and on for 4 years now. God is good.

Goshen

I just listened to the podcast of a sermon by Bishop Willimon about Goshen. He talks about Goshen as a place of waiting. He says God is good, but in God's own good time. Waiting is hard. I've been busy today with day off errands, but I find myself wondering if we're going to be moving soon. I find myself wondering when I'll hear something. Waiting is hard.

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Brother and Sister-in-law are waiting for the birth of their first child. The pregnancy was confirmed today, and I got a cryptic text message with nothing but a date towards the end of February. I wonder if the waiting will seem long or short for them. I talked to Brother, who insisted that nothing in their lives would change because they were becoming parents. I'll let them hold on to that fantasy for a while.

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As I was driving home today, I was reflecting on the fact that when Daughter came into my life, my expectation was that this would be the year she would graduate from college. I thought I would be parenting in a different way now. I have a friend who describes her son as "an 8 year old with 42 years of experience." I'm in Goshen waiting for Daughter to decide she's not going to wet the bed anymore. I find myself wondering if she will ever be able to be around food without supervision. If I will ever be able to trust what she says to me.

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Even in Goshen, though, God is good. God's time is good. I hope it's soon.

It's Over

Daughter broke up with Nice Guy yesterday evening. She was upset about the things he was saying about me. He was insisting that they needed to go to the courthouse and get married right away. I was impressed. When I consider how much she struggled with breaking up with Flasher, I'm very impressed.

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While I know God will call us to the right place at the right time, I really hope the place is the church I've been talking to and the time is now. It would still be late September before we moved (at the earliest), but that's okay. Daughter needs a fresh start, and I need new challenges. Of course, God knows all of that. We're back to waiting.

Romance Trouble

Daughter "slipped" and told Nice Guy that we might be moving. To say he was unhappy would be an understatement. He demanded to talk to me and informed me that if I moved, Daughter was staying here with him. I told him that wouldn't happen. Daughter, of course, was quite distressed about all the drama. She had an interesting insight, though, "With Nice Guy, it's always about him and what he wants." She also told me she was having troubled finding her voice to tell him what she wants. But here's the good news: She's not telling me she wants to stay here with him. For her, that's not an issue. As I type this, she has fallen asleep with her head on my arm.

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I'm a little frustrated that she told him, but I do understand why. I've always given her a list of people she could talk to about the move, and told her she needs to limit herself to talking to just those people. I told NG he wasn't to talk about this, and that we might not move at all. I told him he needed to slow down and take it one step at a time. He said it was too hard, and he always had girlfriends move away. I told him that if he thought it would be too hard, he could break up with her now. He doesn't want to do that, but if he doesn't stop pressuring Daughter, she may break it off.

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I'm sure that most of the congregation identified our guests as a search committee. That's okay. It's hard on them, but it's okay. They need to hear a new pastor just as much as I need a new congregation. We've done well together, but it's time for a change. God will call me to the right place at the right time.

Hearing God

In May I decided that I would be preaching a sermon called, "Worried and Distracted" today. The passage was the story from Luke where Martha comes to Jesus and complains that her sister, Mary, is sitting listening to him while she's doing all the work. He tells her she's worried and distracted about many things, and that Mary has chosen the better part, which will not be taken away from her.

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Now here comes the twist. All week I've been balancing preparing the sermon with preparing to host 3 guests for brunch immediately following the service. Both went well. Daughter did well with the whole morning. Our visitors liked the sermon and were commenting on specific parts of it. They were more comfortable with the order of worship than they were when I preached at a friend's church. I had told them how small and isolated Tiny Village is, but they hadn't grasped it until they came here today.

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They brought a fruit salad and banana bread. I had made 3 salads, 2 quiches and muffins. They liked everything and were amazed that I invited them to come to brunch following the service. I think they will call me, but if they don't, I will know I've given it my best shot and that God has some place better in mind. I hope we will all be able to hear God's voice in all of this, and will have the faith to follow wherever it is God leads. Daughter commented after they left that there was a little part of her that was afraid to leave, but a bigger part of her that wanted to move. Now that she's talking about her feelings, it will be easier to deal with them. Interestingly, she was dry last night.

Better Late than Never

Daughter managed to turn it around yesterday evening. I think she figured if she wanted supper, she'd best show some cooperation. She gave me a couple of hours of work. S-L-O-W work, but work. The kitchen is clean. The laundry is done. The table is set and with 3 leaves and table protectors removed, it is now a dining table, not a conference table. The desk in my study is still cluttered, but that's the normal state of affairs. I might clear some of it off this morning, but for now, it's time to get in the shower and begin to get ready. I even finalized and printed out the liturgy and sermon yesterday, and I got to bed at a decent hour.

and Then Comes the Bad Day...

So after a good day yesterday, Daughter is having a terrible day today. I invited the three women who are coming to experience worship here tomorrow to join us for brunch following worship. Daughter had promised to help me with the preparations. I let her sleep in this morning, and when she came down she was relatively chipper. I figured out a different breakfast that she wanted. I had begun working on making quiche. She wanted to know if she could help in the kitchen, and I told her she could. She asked about music, and I told her that was a good idea, so she vanished to start some music to energize us for the work.

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Then she vanished into the bathroom, where she complained of some intestinal misery. When she came out, I told her she needed to go wash her hands, and to fill the soap container in the bathroom. I knew it was empty because I'd had to wash my hands in the kitchen after using the back porch bathroom. She insisted she had washed them with soap. I assured her I knew she couldn't have. She finally went out and added a little soap to the dispenser. I asked her to fill it up completely. That set her off.

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She stopped the music and stormed off, announcing she was done. I told her that was fine, but she wasn't to get on the computer. I expected her to come back relatively quickly, as she often does. Nope. I went investigating. She was on the computer. I confiscated the computer. She went upstairs and packed and announced she was leaving. This has become complicated by the fact that she now has a boyfriend with a car, and because the last time she left she actually walked 1 1/2 miles out of Tiny Village and I had to go get her. I informed her she wasn't leaving. She didn't have to help, but I didn't have time to go chasing her down, and I didn't need the stress of worrying about her. She informed me she is 23 years old and it's none of my business where she goes or what she does.

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She has spent the rest of the day pouting. She has informed me she will kick the women out if they try to come here tomorrow. I have spent the day listening to podcasts and cooking. I've made quiche lorraine, spinach quiche, tortellini salad, tuna salad, broccoli salad, and whole wheat muffins. I'm on my third load of laundry. Now I have to go get the dining room ready. Converting the table from a conference table to a dining table will involve removing some leaves, which will be a challenge without Daughter. I've given up on the thought that she will be able to turn it around. My mistake was in thinking that eventually she would pull it together and help me.

The Date

Daughter called late yesterday afternoon and wanted to know if instead of meeting Nice Guy in town, he could just come here for supper. She thought she'd feel safer that way. I told her we'd talk about it when she got home. I was impressed that she was acknowledging her discomfort and seeking ways to feel safe. Unfortunately, when we got home (I was gone all day), I got involved with a phone call, I finally suggested that since we didn't have anything planned for supper at home, I could tell NG that I wasn't going to eat alone and sit with them at the restaurant. She decided it would be okay if I just sat near them.

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We parked and I set up my lawn chair in the park, and then began to walk to the restaurant. NG showed up as we were walking, and I let Daughter walk with him as I fell behind. When they got the restaurant, Daughter waited and came back to me, asking if they could go in first and get started. I explained that was why I was hanging back. I waited until they were seated to go get my own table a booth away from them.

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Daughter stopped by my table to show me the food she'd gotten from the buffet so I could give her her insulin. Daughter complained later that Flasher was texting and calling NG throughout their supper. NG finally put his phone on speaker on the table, and Flasher told them he was going to help them with their wedding. So much for no discussion of marriage until Daughter brought it up.

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After supper we headed over to the park separately. I settled into my waiting chair and they connected with various friends. Part way through the first half, Daughter came to ask me if it was okay if they went up to the front and danced. I said that would be fine, though I thought it was strange that she was asking my permission. I figured it was an excuse for checking in with me. I thought it was interesting that they weren't the first up on the stage when the band called for volunteers, and wondered that I didn't see them as I made my way to the restrooms right before intermission. During intermission, Daughter called. "Is the concert over yet?"

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"No, it's intermission. Where are you?"

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"We're out driving around in an air conditioned car. It was too hot there."

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"Wrong. You need to get back to the concert."

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They were among the volunteers on stage during the second half of the concert to dance to the twist and YMCA. On the way home I told Daughter that she wasn't to go off with NG in his car without talking to me first.

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"Fine. I'll just never go on another date."

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She is so inconsistent. She's afraid to eat with him in a restaurant, but willingly gets in a car alone with him to go driving around. I explained that she could still see him, she just needed to tell me before they went someplace. I don't think she understood my concern at all. Sigh.

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They had a good time, though, so I will try to keep us both focused on how much she enjoyed the evening.

Joy

Daughter came downstairs this morning singing and dancing with joy. It was hard to believe that this was the same person who had sobbed in my arms last night. She was excited about spending time with Nice Guy this evening. She was looking forward to seeing Super Supervisor. She was happy. It was wonderful to see her in such a good mood.

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When I came out of PT, she was jumping up and down in the waiting room in anticipation. She had called the gift shop while she was waiting for me, and knew that SS was back. She wanted me to her hurry up and get her there.

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SS greeted Daughter at the back door. She told me she was exhausted from spending the nights at the hospital with her husband, who had surgery Monday. She said, "I needed to get back and see these guys." The drama there would drive me crazy. For her, it is a calling, and it give her joy. That's why she does such a good job. She loves that strange assortment of disabled individuals who gather daily at the gift shop. We are blessed to have her.

Tears

Daughter spent a good bit of yesterday evening sobbing. She didn't know why she was crying, she just was. I suspect there were a number of things that contributed to her tears:

1. The possibility of a move and all the of the change and uncertainty that will bring.

2. The recognition that she's not ready to move out/get a job/return to the workshop. She knows that her bed wetting is speaking loudly. When she's mentioned the various goals, she always says, "Part of me...." She never argues when I point out that her bed wetting is telling me she's not ready.

3. Nice Guy. She wants to have a boyfriend, and it's hard on very hard on her to have a boyfriend. She wants to be with him, and she's terrified of being with him.

4. Super Supervisor's continuing absence. Yesterday Sub called convinced that 3 units was too much insulin for Daughter's lunch. It's the same amount she always takes. Sub has supervised her taking 3 units numerous times now. Daughter also expressed discomfort because Sub has loosened some of the rules. She doesn't like that. Hopefully SS will be back today.

So I held her. I acknowledged that the thought of moving is hard. I reminded her that the important things would remain the same, no matter where we live: I would be her Mom, her safety would still be my number 1 priority and that Kitten, Daughter and I would still be a family. Eventually she fell asleep.

This evening she has plans to meet NG for supper (she wants me at the restaurant, but has told me I need to sit at a different table) and the concert in the park. Hopefully the weather will cooperate and it will give her something to look forward to today.

Mixed Messages

As we drove to Big City to see Psychiatrist today, Daughter informed me that she'd been doing a lot of thinking, and thought that it was time for her to get a place with Nice Guy and move out. She said they had a lot of the same problems and he's on a lot of the same medications, and it would be good.
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We had a long conversation, and I worked very hard at being patient with her. I assured her that I wanted the same things she wanted, for her to be able to live independently and get married. I reminded her of the steps we've set up to help her achieve her goals. I told her that actions speak louder than words, and by wetting the bed every night she was telling me that she doesn't feel safe and isn't ready to take on something new.
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She's not happy, but for now she is accepting what I told her and Psychiatrist reinforced. I'm sure tomorrow she'll be back with another big plan.

Nice Guy's Back

Nice Guy came over to hang out with Daughter Monday evening. Daughter told me after he left that she had to tell me something. I told her I knew that they were back together. She was amazed that I had figured it out. She's predictable. She says he's promised not to talk about marriage until she's ready.
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He's working as a dishwasher in a restaurant, but apparently is going to go to the workshop on days he's not working. Now Daughter wants to start back at the workshop immediately. She made it very clear to us yesterday she wasn't ready when she asked me to make it 21 days of no bed wetting before I let her go back. She was wet this morning, yet after a conversation with NG on the phone was begging me to let her go back now.
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I wonder how long the romance will last this time.

Compromise

Daughter told Therapist she wants to go back to the workshop. Therapist and I discussed it, and I suggested we tell her that if she is dry for 7 nights in a row, we'll begin discussing it. I see the bed wetting as her attempt to keep herself safe, and I don't think she's ready to return to the workshop if she's not feeling safe.
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We brought Daughter in, and we had the following conversation:
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"What's my number 1 priority?"
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"My safety."
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"I don't want you going back to the workshop until you are feeling safe. When you wet the bed, it tells me you don't feel safe. After you have been dry for 7 nights in a row, we'll begin to talk about what needs to happen for you to go back to the workshop."
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"Can we compromise?"
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"What's the compromise?"
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She began counting on her fingers, and then offered, "Let's make it 21 days. That will be three weeks. You have to check my bed, depends, and pj's every day to make sure I'm really dry."
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She has an interesting definition of compromise. Therapist and I discussed it. She's definitely telling us she doesn't feel safe and isn't ready to return to the workshop. She has been diligently working on her chores since she came home and is in a much better mood. Tomorrow she's going to make and decorate signs to post around the house reminding herself that her goal is to go back to the workshop. It will be interesting to see if this actually motivates her. I'm not going to hold my breath waiting. I will enjoy her cooperative attitude for as long as it lasts.

Reflections

At the conference, I took a course on professional development. It was a good opportunity to examine my gifts and my passions and consider what God's call to me really is. I will blog later about where I see God calling me in ministry. It was also an opportunity to explore ways to reprioritize my life and ministry, which is what I have been working on today.
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This morning I sat down and blocked out the week, scheduling the things I want to get done in various time slots (and making sure I leave margins). In addition to working out a schedule, I was busy today in the kitchen. I put some chicken and barbecue sauce in the crock pot this morning. I cleaned out the refrigerator, made some real oatmeal and put it in the refrigerator for Daughter's breakfasts, made some apple muffins, finished unloading the dishwasher that Daughter didn't complete this morning, and washed lots of dishes. I also was working on laundry, including Daughter's linens (yes, she's still wetting the bed).
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My plan is to make time for Daughter every day when she first gets home. So today, I greeted her warmly and invited her to come sit in my study and enjoy a treat with me. I got us each an apple muffin (still warm). Her only comment was that it wasn't completely done. Then she asked if she could have something else, too. I said not now. I was asking her about her day (she was reluctant to say much).
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As we were finishing our conversation, the phone rang. It was the young woman next door. She had just found several newspaper articles online about the man who raped her last summer. He's been caught and is being held for another rape, but the DA wants to talk to my neighbor about possibly prosecuting her case, as well. My neighbor was having a difficult time with the feelings all of this was raising in her, so I began listening and offering reassurance. (Why do people comment on an article about rape by blaming the woman?)
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I asked Daughter to take care of the clothes in the dryer. She told me she did, but she didn't, leaving things in the dryer to get wrinkled. I commented that she had lied to me, and asked her to finish the job. She informed me she was done, she wasn't doing another single thing for me, and stormed out of the house.
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She is struggling to turn things around now. I can do everything right, but she can still choose to be a victim. No rational person would see her as a victim, but that doesn't make any difference to her. She sees herself as a victim of this awful mother who only lets her have one snack and expects her to help with the laundry. I can give her every opportunity to be happy and successful, but it's up to her whether to take advantage of them or not.
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I'm going to start setting up respite for one evening a week. I'll let someone else supervise her chores. I'll run away (or hide in my bedroom). I'm not going to let her issues get in the way of my life and ministry (at least as much as that is possible....)

Forty Five Minutes

Yesterday morning when the alarm went off, I was amazed at how bright it was outside. It got me thinking, and I looked it up. We were far enough north that there was 45 minutes more of daylight there than there is here in Tiny Village at this time of year.
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I had PT for my knee this morning and then took Daughter to the gift shop. Sub is in this week while Super Supervisor's husband has his hip replaced. Daughter is not thrilled about that, but she went, and hopefully will have a good day.
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I'm going to plan out the week's work, which includes time taking care of things around the house today. I'll be ready to jump back into work tomorrow. My knee is feeling much better, so I'm going to start using the Wii fit tomorrow. I want to be more physically fit. I'm also going to build time with Daughter into the schedule. I told her I'd schedule a game night each week, and Friday night we'll go to the concert in the park in Town. Throughout the week I'll be contemplating the sermon for Sunday and praying for the search committee, that they will know who it is God is calling to be their next pastor.

The Search

We're home. We came home via the area where the church I am interviewing is located. We drove by some homes that are for sale near the church. We shopped at an awesome farm market. We ate lunch in a restaurant that we don't have in our area. There are plenty of real estate options in the area. Daughter and I marveled at the number and variety of stores and restaurants. Traffic is heavier than I'm used to, but then 2 cars and a tractor constitute heavy traffic here in Tiny Village.
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There are three women from the church coming here next Sunday. I offered to feed them brunch following worship, so Daughter and I have been discussing what the menu should be. It will be fun.
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I listened to several podcasts on preaching on the way home, and am contemplating next week's sermon. God will call us to the right place at the right time. I hope this is the right place and time.

Paradise

Today has been a good day. We went to an art fair, where I bought two new stone crosses. I'll have to get chains for them when I get home-- the chains they had were too short. We ate lunch in a small cafe.
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Over lunch I told Daughter that I had invited the women who are coming to worship next month to our home for lunch. She had a fit-- she didn't want them coming, they weren't welcome in our home, etc. So we had a conversation about moving. I pointed out to her that her security comes from being part of a family, not from where she lives, and the family isn't going to change. I told her she'd complain and tell me we shouldn't have moved, but eventually she'll admit that it was a good move. I reminded her of all the advantages of moving. She heard what I was saying and her mood improved.
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We went on a 1.5 mile hike in a state park. I am very out of shape. Or course, part of it was uphill, and part of it was sandy, but I'm out of shape. I toured a CCC museum about forest restoration while Daughter sat on a bench.
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I told her to remind me, and I'd take care of something when we got home. She said, "You mean Tiny Village?"
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"No, I meant the motel."
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"Don't call that home."
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"Okay, what do you call this?"
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"Paradise."
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We got ice cream and went to arts and crafts store, where I caved and bought her a fuzzy poster than had markers with it.
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As we headed back to the motel, I asked her what her favorite part of the day had been, "Just spending time with my mom." When we got back to the motel we spent some time in the hot tub. Now we're relaxing in our room.
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Daughter's comments about this being paradise and the best part was spending time with me has me thinking. I took a class on professional development at the conference. I'm going to makes some changes when we get home. I'll be blogging more about that later.

"That's the whole Idea!"

So Daughter wanted to do some art. We had a partial ream of paper in the car that I had taken so I could print things out for my class this week. I told her she could go get some paper from there. She said, "I'll use my pen to draw now, and then tomorrow we can buy some colors for me since I didn't bring mine."
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"Wrong. You always manage to forget them and then I end up buying you more."
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"That's the whole idea!"
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"Well, it's not going to work this year."

Talent Show

Daughter participated in the talent show last night. I always have mixed feelings about her participating. She used to have a good voice, but no longer sings able to match pitch. She also stresses out over it. I finally told her that she could sign up as long as she didn't talk to me about it. I had a friend check out her act.
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So last night she did a dance for the talent show. The community is wonderfully supportive and clapped to the music and cheered her on. When she was done,she came and stood in front of the section where I was sitting and said, "See, Mom, there was nothing wrong with my dance."
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We had a really good week at the conference. I've been asked to teach a Bible study again next year (apparently my class gave me great reviews). I'm looking forward to it, though I don't think it will be as much fun as Revelation was this year.
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We're at a motel overlooking a lake right now. Sunday, we'll head home to Tiny Village and I'll begin working on worship next Sunday-- I hope that the visit next Sunday will answer any doubts the search committee has, and Daughter and I will be preparing to move this fall.

A Phone Call

Yesterday evening, while sitting around talking with friends, my cell phone beeped to tell me I had a new voice mail. We don't get a good signal here, so I went outside to try to find a strong enough signal to retrieve the message. It was a member of the search committee at the church I interviewed with last month. They were wondering if it would be okay if several of their members came to hear me preach in Tiny Village. I told them it would be fine, and they are planning to come on July 18 (I won't be there on July 11).

I am excited. I'm still in the running for the call. I sent text messages to my 3 siblings. All sent responses within 2 minutes. Brother called to ask if I'd seen the video from their worship service on their website and if I was going to use PowerPoint for the sermon on the 18th. I assured him I'd seen the video, and I wasn't going to use PowerPoint because I don't want to get fired. Sister texted me with a sermon suggestion and then sent me a link to a web resource on preaching.
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I told my friends by the time I get home this Sunday, they will probably have a sermon written for me. I'm glad they're sharing my excitement. I told Daughter, and she's pleased. There are still some steps to take before I receive the call. I am hopeful, though.
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The conference continues to be good. Daughter has been dry the past two nights. I was pleased with the way my class went. It's been a good week.

Winding Down

I have one more class to teach tomorrow morning, and then we will head to our motel on a lake Friday morning. Daughter has signed up for the talent show tomorrow evening. I'm not real happy about that, but it has been a powerful motivator for her. She was dry this morning, so she was free to take a 3 hour nap this afternoon.
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She was with the elementary class today. She came into my class at one point to complain that it wasn't working, her mouth was hurting, etc. I gave her an ibuprofen (she hadn't had a pain pill at breakfast for the first time today), and told her to go get something to drink, wash her face in cool water, and rejoin the class. She did, and came to lunch quite pleased with the fact that a water balloon had gotten her wet.
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One of the adults had to coax her to participate in the water balloon fight. Daughter said she couldn't because of her wisdom teeth. The woman assured her that was okay, she wouldn't throw the balloon at her mouth. So Daughter participated. This is such a good, safe place for her. Have I mentioned that we're having a wonderful week?

Christian Community

In the breakfast line this morning, Daughter grabbed 2 small donuts, and then saw that further down the buffet they had oatmeal. She wanted to have oatmeal. I told her that she had more than enough carbs in the doughnuts, and she needed to plan better. When she arrived at our table, she had oatmeal, no donuts. I gave her the look, and she told me that a woman had heard the conversation and taken the doughnuts off Daughter's plate and put them on her own so Daughter could enjoy the oatmeal.

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After her first class Daughter came to me in tears. Her film class on faith in films had watched some clips from The Green Mile, which had several triggers of her PTSD. She was tired from lack of sleep, and so she spent the second class period sitting next to me with her head in my lap. This afternoon the children's coordinator came to ask me if it was alright if she asked Daughter to help in one of the children's classes. There were 2 places that could use her, and the leaders were willing to have her join them. Tomorrow Daughter will be hanging out with elementary kids and will have a leader who got the 2 minute brief on how to keep her in line. I'm grateful, and Daughter's excited.

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During prayers in worship tonight Daughter said she was thankful that I'd adopted her in 1995 and she'd been with me she thought for something like 23 or 26 years. Quite an accomplishment, considering that she's only 23.

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Two people have told me she seems more independent this year. That's one of the things I like about coming here, they point out her progress to me from year to year. I need to hear that.

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I'm having a great time teaching a class on the book of Revelation. I'm opening and closing each class with a hymn from YouTube that comes from the book (I had no idea that there were so many hymns based on the book of Revelation). Today the closing hymn was the video above. The class spontaneously stood up to sing along with the video. It gave me goosebumps. Tonight one of the women in the class asked if she could have a copy of the PowerPoint I've been doing to take back to her church. She wants them to hear what we've been discussing. I was honored. I had never worked with PowerPoint before, so I'm thrilled that she wants a copy of my first PowerPoint presentation.

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Daughter did have to do laundry again this afternoon. She did it on her own while I prepared for tomorrow's class. One of the questions that was raised today was one I had to research and promised an answer tomorrow. I'm excited about what I have prepared for tomorrow. Did I mention how much I'm loving teaching?

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I'm still waiting to hear from the church I interviewed with last month. They are deliberating now, having brought two of us in for interviews and to preach. I have a church some distance from here that is also interested. The class in which I'm a student is on professional development, and I find myself pondering whether I need to look at different forms of ministry to better match my gifts. I think the church that is asking about my availability might be a better fit. God is at work, and I'm listening.

Teaching and Learning

This year I'm teaching a class on the book of Revelation and taking a class on professional development. Both classes are really good. I have a wonderful bunch of students who are willing to participate and engage with the Scripture. They were appreciative of what I shared this morning.

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The professional development class has me pondering what God is calling me to do. I know I'm called to ministry, but I'm wondering if I've been focusing on the wrong areas. Lots to ponder. Daughter did well today. She was appropriate in her independence, sitting by me at meal times so I could give her insulin, but engaging other people and finding other activities much of the day. This is such a good community for her.

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This week is always a wonderful blessing for both of us.

Logical Consequences

Daughter is washing her comforter and pj's right now. I walked her around the lake to the laundry room, showed her how to work the machine, and told her I'd see her when she was done. She said, "You know I can't find my way back."

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"Yes, you can. Just come back the same way we came. I know you can do it."

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I commented as we walked over there in the heat, I said, "I don't think you're going to wet the bed again this week." She readily agreed.

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I hadn't had a chance to connect with the teacher of Daughter's second class, but C, who I had briefed on the faked seizures, told a friend in the class, "I'm passing the torch onto you. If she tries to fake a seizure, tell her to stop it, relax and take a deep breath."

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The friend said she could do that. Daughter said, "I wouldn't pull anything like that here!" That's right, she won't. Because she now knows that it won't work. That's why I love this community.

Bed Wetting

One of the things that has made me reluctant to travel this year has been Daughter's bed wetting. We brought an air mattress and comforter for her (sleeping bags are too big for a standard washing machine). I bought her new, generic adult diapers that involved tape (I thought they were pull-up briefs). She was quite frustrated with them last night. I showed her what to do with them and told her it was her job to get them on, I wasn't helping. She was wetter this morning than she has been in several weeks. This afternoon, I will walk her around the lake and show her how to operate the washing machine here. Then I will leave her to take care of her mess.

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My prediction: she won't soak through again this week. Now it's off to morning prayer.

Worship

One of the things I look forward to is coming here and worshiping with this community as just a person in the congregation. It's wonderful to be in worship with no leadership responsibilities. Our opening worship service this evening was wonderful. Daughter has been all over the place between responsible and frustratingly acting out. She didn't want to eat any protein at supper time. I told her she couldn't have any dessert unless she ate some of the Italian sausage. She was mad, but ate it.

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During worship she came over and whispered to me that her blood sugar had dropped to 71. I was amazed, because I would have predicted it would have been high with all the carbs she had at supper. I asked where her meter and emergency supplies were, and she told me they were back in our room. I sent her to get them. When she came back, she handed me a note apologizing and acknowledging that her blood sugar was 271, not 71.

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A good friend of mine is in her first class of the morning-- C is a special ed teacher and the mother of a diabetic. She gets Daughter. I've already instructed her on what to do if Daughter tries to fake a seizure. Daughter knows I've briefed her. Daughter will feel safe with her. The teacher for her second class isn't arriving until tomorrow, so I'll have to track her down and brief her.

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I think (hope) I'm ready to teach my class tomorrow on Revelation. There's so much to say about that book, and so little time. Hopefully I'll be able to share some of the things I've discovered in my preparation for the class. Now I'm tired. I'd kind of like to go to morning prayer at 7:00 tomorrow morning, which means I'd best get to bed now.

Responsibility

Daughter, after protesting that she hates vacation and doesn't want to go, has become wonderfully responsible and cooperative as we prepare to leave. This morning she was up on her own, and when she came downstairs, she was fully dressed and had packed up my cpap machine and was carrying it. I was impressed.

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We ran out for a bite to eat and to pick up some cat food before we left. As we were headed home, I was into full trying to take care of everything before we leave mode. The conversation went something like this:

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"I want to get those dishes washed when we got home. I don't want to leave with dirty dishes in the sink."

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"I've already done that."

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"Did you put the medication box in the car?"

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"Done."

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"What about the extra supplies I had on the kitchen table?"

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"They're in the car."

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"I want you to clean out the cat boxes."

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"I've done that."

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"Today?"

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"Yes, Mom. I did it this morning when you were in the shower getting ready for church."

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We got home with the extra cat food and I came into my desk for a few minutes. "Did you fill the cat bowl with the new food."

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"Done." Then she got this huge smile on her face. "Don't you just love it when I'm one step ahead of you?"

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Yes, I love it. It's days like this that give me hope during the more challenging times.