Saturday, July 31, 2010

The Morning After.

Daughter came downstairs this morning and PA was here helping me fill pill boxes. She looked in but didn't say anything. I ignored her. I heard her check her blood sugar and begin her breakfast. I went into the kitchen, asked her what her blood sugar was, and gave her insulin.
PA and I had moved to the study, and Daughter came in and dumped a note on my desk. Interestingly, she addressed me by my name in the note, which read:
Dear _____,
I am sorry about being a jack**s yesterday. I am sorry for breaking your picture.
I hate myself for doing all that.
I am always going to hate myself.
(Your friend I hope,)
P.S. I am sorry about all the lying.
I didn't read it immediately, telling her I would look at it later. I printed out a piece of paper with 5 questions on it and took it in and dropped it next to her (she was laying on the living room floor in a fetal position). She filled it out and brought it to me after PA left:
What happened?
I had lied to my mom about being dry and I stole .50 from her just to get a pop. When I got home I told my mom it was just sweat, when really I had wet the bed.
How did I feel?
I felt very bad, mad, sad, very, very, very very, very, very angry.
What did I do?
I broke something very valuable to my mom and I really hurt her.
How did that work?
I was not able to sleep very well last night. Also not talking to each other.
What could I do differently next time?
Tell my mom the truth in the mornings also at the bed so that I could earn .50 w/o [stealing].
She then signed it. I have duplicated what she wrote with her grammar and spelling (actually, she wrote stilling, not stealing.) Amazing her written skills with her IQ of 68. She has cried genuine tears, and I have hugged her. I gave her a task to do, but she has retreated to her room and is sleeping. I'm still tired. This move is going to be challenging for her emotionally, which will make it challenging for me. We will make it through, but I suspect that tired is just going to be a way of life for a while.


Miz Kizzle said...

Maybe I'm being too tough on your DD but from what I've read here (and I've been following your blog for quite awhile) it seems like you and your DD keep going through a revolving door. She lies, blows up when caught, curses you, breaks things, threatens to run away or actually runs causes a giant hullabaloo that leaves you feeling emotionally spent and then writes a contrite note promising to never do it again. Lather, rinse, repeat.
It can't be pleasant for either of you to live this way.
I don't blame you; you've done a stellar job raising a very damaged child but my opinion is that your DD needs to move to some sort of supported living arrangement where she can learn to take more responsibility for her actions and eventually become more independent.
At 23 most people your DD's age are out of the nest, learning to navigate the world for themselves. I know your DD's diabetes complicates things, but there are people with her mental and emotional challenges who have more serious medical conditions who have transitioned successfully to supported living. I have a client whose son has a very low IQ and who is legally blind and uses a wheelchair who has been in supported living for more than a year and he's doing well. Like your DD, he was adopted after being abused and neglected as a young child.
It's obvious that your DD is very, very angry and resentful that she can't do the things that other young women her age can. It seems that on some level she blames you. That's normal. Young children and so-called low-functioning people believe that their parents are all-powerful. But it's still not right that she uses you as a punching bag. If you were to save all her "I'm so sorry; I'll never do it again"notes, you'd have quite a stack. I know she really is sorry AT THAT MOMENT but it doesn't prevent her from raging. I think when your move is completed and you settle into your new job it would be a great time to look at other living arrangements for your DD, one where you'd be able to visit and have her visit you.

Reverend Mom said...

You are right. It's the classic cycle of abuse. If I did that to her, protective services would remove her and charge me with abuse. I realized sometime yesterday that I don't need 2 1/2 baths in my new house, because she's not going to be living with me forever. My hope is that in a year, she'll be in supported living. I feel like I've got to give her time to adjust to the move before she moves again. I need to establish her with a team of doctors and such to manage her medical issues. Then, she will go into supported living. I will be able to live without locking everything up. I will have the freedom to come and go as I please, and won't have to worry about being home for the bus. I'm looking forward to it.