Bus Adventures

I downloaded the new version Internet Explorer, and it won't let me post on blogger. So, I'm posting from Chrome now. Daughter starts bus service to her program's new location today. We set it up to pick her up on the church Monday-Thursday and home on Friday, and to drop her off at home every day. I received a note from her bus driver saying she would be dropping Daughter off between 5:30 and 5:40, and picking her up at 6:20 on Friday mornings.

I never heard anything about the Monday-Thursday morning pick-ups at the church. I was a little frustrated, but assumed it would also be early. Never assume. That is a lesson I seem to need to relearn on a regular basis. This morning we got to the church at 6:00 and planted ourselves in Administrative Assistant's office so we would know when the bus arrived. I began doing commentary work for Sunday's sermon, Daughter began pacing. At 7:30 I started making calls. The schedule calls for her to be picked up from the church at 9:35. It would have been nice if they'd told me. It would be nicer if that would work. AA gets in at 9:00, and I have a meeting 90 minutes from here at 9:00 tomorrow morning. I'm not going to drop Daughter off at the church to wait alone 2 hours before the bus is due.

Beginning tomorrow, she will be picked up from home 5 days a week at 6:20. I'm not sure how she will do with that schedule, but we will try it for a week before I complain. I think it's going to make for very long days, and it will be challenging to get her fed and to the church when I have meetings Monday evenings. Tonight's meeting starts at 6:00. That will be very interesting. She was upset at first, but has calmed down nicely. She is outside waiting for the bus, even though it won't be here for another 30 minutes or so. I hope her day goes smoothly.

I'm going to contemplate how I'm going to structure my day around her new schedule. I need to get exercise into the routine somewhere, and so figuring that out is going to be a priority for me. I've decided I need to pay more attention to my health.

The Big Duh

I'm reading this book about Borderline Personality Disorder. While the information isn't necessarily new to me, the book has helped me identify what has been triggering Daughter and some of her behaviors. The big issue for BPD's is fear of abandonment. Since we moved her to Capital, I have been much busier with my ministry. I have to face the reality that I have been less available to Daughter, even when I am physically present with her I am not as emotionally available as I was in Tiny Village. This have been very good for my mental health, and very hard on Daughter. The acting out she has done in response has pushed me further away from her, setting off a downward spiral.

I'm going to work on making daily time to have positive, focused interaction with Daughter. Hopefully that will help calm her anxiety. I am also very much aware that I am much less stressed now that the board retreat is behind me. That was taking a great deal of time and energy. Hopefully having that behind me will make it easier to give Daughter the reassurance she needs so desperately.

Energized

I went to bed exhausted last night, and woke up this morning excited and energized by the memory of all we'd done yesterday. I was talking about perspective and looking at the world through the lens of faith, so I decided this morning that I needed sunglasses for the children's sermon. I stopped at the every thing store on my way to church and bought some star sunglasses party favors. The kids (and adults) loved them. One of the adults wanted to know if he could have a pair-- he's going to use them to promote the study we will be doing during Lent. I don't even want to know how, but I think he's going to be wearing them next Sunday while the memory is still fresh for everyone. Should be interesting.

.

Daughter continues to be oppositional. I think she's frustrated that she's not getting a bigger reaction out of me. Being busy and appreciated at the church is a wonderful balance for the struggles with her. I'm so glad we're here in Capital.

Exhaustion

This afternoon I realized that I am exhausted. The first clue was when I backed into the garage door as i was leaving to lead worship at the nursing home. I did some damage to the garage door, but the car seems to be okay. I needed to replace the garage door, and I think it moved up on my priority list. The second clue was when I wasn't interested in a phone conversation with my sisters.

.

I'm taking tomorrow off. Well, at least during the day. I have a meeting in the evening. For the foreseeable future, I have commitments at least 3 evenings a week. I'm going to have to work at finding some balance. I was going to see about getting an estimate for a new garage door, and then I realized that I didn't know when I could schedule them to come give me an estimate. I'm hoping things will get easier after the board retreat this Saturday. I suspect it will take more than hope. I'm going to have to set some careful priorities and boundaries.

House Hunting

Realtor has now sent me information on 15 houses and 10 condos. I've identified 12 of those properties as things I'd like to look at. I'm having a hard time prioritizing what I want in my next house. I owned a home the last 5 years I lived in City, but for the past 14, I've had no say on where I lived and have had to live with the paint colors, flooring, etc, that were here.

.

I've had several conversations with Realtor. I've not heard back from Mortgage Broker who was supposedly looking for a mortgage for me. The last thing I heard from MB was something about the challenges of getting approval right now. I have an excellent credit rating and huge down payment, but the fact that I haven't been making a house payment for a number of years will hurt me.

.

I'm working very hard at not getting caught up in the details. This is proving to be a challenge. Figuring out what my priorities are in a new home is challenging. I'd like a kitchen with more counter space. A gas stove would be nice. A pantry that I could easily lock would be fantastic. It would be wonderful to have a bedroom with my very own master bath. I told Realtor that one bathroom homes are out of the question-- as there are too many times when one of our toilets is waiting for me to plunge it.

.

I'd like to have a guest bedroom, and someplace for a home office. I have a big, beautiful desk right now, but am pondering the possibility of getting a desk in an armoire and then putting it in a corner of our living room or family room. This house is over 2,000 square feet. How much space do we actually need? Far Away Sister points out that it is very important that there be enough space that I can get away from Daughter when I need a break. Some of the homes have a first floor master bedroom. Could Daughter handle our bedrooms being on different levels? Our bedrooms have always been close together.

.

How important is location? Is it more important to be near the church, or is the proximity of potential job opportunities for her the priority? Is it even realistic to think that someday she will be capable of community employment? There is a possibility that I could purchase a home in the next county and still be in the school district of the church. Would this open up more opportunities for Daughter? How much house can I afford? I haven't made house or utility payments in a long time. I will be getting a nice raise, so I know I will be able to afford a nice home, but I don't want to overextend myself. Sometimes I wonder if my brain will explode from all the possibilities.

.

It is a buyer's market right now, and I am confident that I will find a house that will work well for us when we make the trip up there this weekend. Realtor is going to email me sample purchase offers and seller's disclosures on all the houses we will be showing us. I could easily lose myself in house hunting right now, but I have lots I need to do here in Tiny Village. I suspect that the next two months will be a balancing act as I deal with bringing my ministry here to a conclusion and do all I need to do to move and begin my ministry in Capital.

Aftermath

Daughter didn't sleep well after the incident at the park yesterday. She was up at 3:00 this morning, and was bouncing on my bed before 6:00. I told her she couldn't bother me until 6:15, and she actually waited until 6:30 to bug me again. She seems to be slightly manic right now. She was cleaning the 2 pounds of strawberries I bought and had 6 cans of fruit and a bag of apples out to make fruit salad when I came downstairs. I told her that was a bit much, so she added one can of pineapple and one can of peaches. We had some with our supper, and I'm going to throw some in the blender and freeze it in ice cube trays. It will be something she can have after she has her wisdom teeth pulled tomorrow morning.

.

Pregnant Best Friend gave birth Sunday evening, which I guess makes her Mommy Best Friend. Daughter found out this morning and of course she wanted to go visit right away. I dropped her off at the hospital for about 15 minutes while I ran to the grocery store. That satisfied her. MBF is going home tomorrow. I think I'm glad Daughter won't be around to hear about the drama for the first week or so.

.

I'm tired this evening-- I spent 2 hours at the hospital with the family of a woman who had a seizure a couple of weeks ago. When they got her to the ER, they discovered she was full of cancer. She's been on a ventilator ever since. A relative of the woman is a member of the church, and asked me to go visit. I did. I was meeting the husband and daughter for the first time. It was exhausting. They were grateful for my visit. I hope it was helpful.

.

I don't think my esophagus is staying stretched. I felt like things were getting stuck at lunch and supper today.

.

I'm tired, and I'm rambling. I think I'll go to bed early tonight. I want to be on the road at 6:15 tomorrow morning for Daughter's 8:15 surgery. It will be another long day....

The Tic Is Back

I am remembering why it is that I don't deal with my own medical needs. We spent 4 1/2 hours on the oral surgeon today, and she'll go back on the 30th to get all 4 wisdom teeth pulled. Insurance should pay for 2 of the 4 (and the 2 most expensive at that). I'm supposed to be going to PT 3 times a week. I'm trying to schedule that at 8:00 in the morning to minimize the disruption of my work day. That means I need to drag Daughter with me, have her sit in the waiting room, and then drop her off at the gift shop. Monday I will do PT at 8:00, have my stomach scoped at 11:00, and then drive Daughter to Big City to see Psychiatrist at 3:00. The schedule is going to be exceedingly tight: PT is 11 miles west, scope is 21 miles east, Psychiatrist is 45 miles west. I won't be able to drive, so that will make it more challenging. If I could get her rescheduled before mid-July, I'd probably cancel the appointment with Psychiatrist. I could probably reschedule my scope, but I hate to do it on a work day, and if it will be the middle of July before I can get another appointment because of our travel schedule.

.

I also have PT scheduled for Wednesday next week. That will have to be cancelled, as Daughter is getting her wisdom teeth out at 8:15 that morning. That will probably take the entire day. We'll have to leave home at 6:15 to make sure we're there on time. She will be asleep for the procedure. You add those meds to her others, and it will be a while before I can safely maneuver her to the car for the long drive home. Managing her blood sugar could be a challenge, too.

.

I'll see about rescheduling the PT for Tuesday, since I doubt I'm going to be able to get very far from home on Thursday. Daughter does not do well with pain, and she can't handle narcotic pain medication. I anticipate her being a Clingon. A very demanding, annoying Clingon. She'll want full body contact with me, and it's too hot and humid for that, even with air conditioning.

.

She is also seeing Therapist weekly right now, so I'll have to fit that into the schedule as well. I have a full time job. I mean a full time job in addition to being Daughter's mom. I still have orders for a hearing test and mammogram for me. I don't think I'll try to schedule them right now. Yes, the tic is back....

Discerning

Daughter got off the bus and greeted me quite cheerfully this afternoon. She has a new purse she'd won at bingo, and informed me everything fit in it (her blood sugar monitor and related supplies). She was excited as she told me about the decaffeinated ice tea Super Supervisor made today. She complained about the fact that the AC didn't work and it was hot in the gift shop. Then she told me she'd had a headache and hadn't felt good all day and spent the entire day crying. The next thing I knew she was holding her head and sobbing hysterically because she was in so much pain.

.

I pondered the possibilities. After she left this morning, I discovered she hadn't taken her morning pills. I considered taking them to her, but didn't have time before a meeting I had 60 miles from here. I decided that as long as she didn't remember she'd forgotten them, she'd be fine. Could the missed pills be causing her problem? I was pretty sure she'd had a good day, since she hadn't felt the need to call me. I was confident she hadn't spent the entire day crying since no one else had called me. While I was pretty confident that she hadn't been sick all day, I was alarmed at her level of distress. What if she was having a stroke? Which ER would be best equipped to handle her? The two that are within 15 miles of us might not be equipped to deal with whatever was going on and transfer her. Maybe I should head directly to the best equipped one that was 25 miles away.

.

I had her come sit next to me and put my arm around her, offering reassurances and soothing her. She began rocking back and forth as she held her head and sobbed. I suggested she had some big feelings she needed to talk about. She insisted that she was just very sick and had been all day. I got out the monitor to check her blood pressure. Her arm was shaking, and I wondered if I'd get an accurate reading. I told her she needed to calm down and hold still. She stopped crying and sat still. Her blood pressure was a little high for her, but not alarming. I told her she was okay. She got up and went to the bathroom. She came back and was still calm. I suggested she go up to her room and rest for 30 minutes. I pointed out how nice it would be to do so since her bed was properly made and dry. She quietly headed to her bedroom. This time I made the right call. My ongoing fear is that one day I won't, and by the time I get her medical help, it will be too late.

The Case of the Missing Skirt

I can't find my favorite skirt. I have searched my closet several times, and with the new light, I can actually see what's in there. It's not in the laundry area. It wasn't in the hamper of dark clothes I put in the washing machine this morning. I did a quick check of Daughter's closet and didn't see it. I suspect Daughter was taking laundry out of the dryer and didn't want to deal with it and hid it. She probably didn't realize my favorite skirt was among the things she had hidden. At least I hope that's what has happened, and it hasn't vanished into some other dimension. Of course, I'm hoping that she remembers where she hid this particular load of clothes. I want to wear it tomorrow.

.

When Daughter gets home she has an appointment with Therapist, and then the youth group will gather to clean the streets of Tiny Village. There will be pizza when the streets are clean. I took communion to a couple of shut-ins this afternoon. The trip to the Alzheimer's Unit was interesting. One of the residents took a liking to the elder who was accompanying me. She was touching him and trying to get him to come with her. It was amusing to watch his discomfort. we finally took the woman we were visiting into her room and locked the door so we could complete our visit.

.

Daughter did well yesterday afternoon/evening, and woke up in a great mood this morning. I understand I missed a great worship service when I left the meeting early yesterday, but the time and attention I was able to give Daughter when I got home was worth it. She hasn't called me at all today. Life is much easier when she's happy and doing well. Of course, when I ask her about the missing skirt, there may be a major shift in her mood. It's a chance I'll just have to take.

Issues

Like many kids who got a rough start in life, Daughter has lots of food issues. I remember an incident from her early days with me. I had made Spanish rice for supper, and when we were done I was pleased to see that we had enough left over for a second meal. I left the kitchen to do something, and when I returned, Daughter had eaten all of the leftovers. She was 3 years old.

.

The diabetes complicates the food issues tremendously. Diabetes is hard enough without piling food issues on top of it. Everything she eats needs to be measured and covered with insulin. When she comes to me wanting to eat something, I seek to avoid saying no. I may ask her to wait until a specific time, or tell her she can choose one thing of two she wants. I may make suggestions of substitutions, but my goal is to avoid no.

.

I also seek to minimize temptations. She loves pop tarts. At various times she has talked me into buying a box for her breakfast. We discuss the fact that she can have one for breakfast, and she can't sneak them. By the end of the first day, they have usually vanished. I finally stopped buying pop tarts. I generally make just enough food for the meal. Left overs are a temptation, and it is easier to calculate carbs if I just make two servings and then divide whatever it is between us. Generally, we don't have chips in the house. The bag she took the other night was for taco salad.

.

Today when she came home from the workshop, she wanted to have a snack. She wanted the rest of the broccoli-rice casserole from Easter. I pointed out her blood sugar was a little high, and eating a snack would increase it, so she wouldn't feel very good. I also pointed out that we would be eating supper within 30 minutes. I planned on the left over casserole and sausage sandwiches for supper. When I called her to come eat, she told me she didn't feel good and wasn't hungry. Just 30 minutes earlier she was begging for food.

.

Part of the issue is she has trouble interpreting her body's messages. Within the last two years she has come to me complaining of some ailment. When she describes the symptoms, I'll tell her she needs to go to the bathroom. She'll argue, but eventually go, and come out and reluctantly tell me I was right and she feels better. How many people in their 20's don't know when they need to go relieve themselves?

.

She'll tell me her stomach is hurting really bad, and that she's burping and feels like she's going to throw up, and then ask for food to cure it. I try not to make food an issue, but obviously, it is. Tonight she refused to eat her sausage sandwich. She's retreated to her bedroom. I'm not sure if she really feels sick, or if she's just trying to avoid the laundry I asked her to sort and fold. I never know. I have told every school she has been at that I may end up sending her to school sick, but that I will gladly come and get her if she is really sick. My definition of really sick: someone has witnessed her throwing up, or she has a fever.

.

Tonight I suspect her complaint has more to do with avoidance. I don't think she's happy with the way things are going at the workshop. She's doing a pretty good job of keeping the workshop at the workshop, and she didn't call me today. She did tell me, though, that they moved her out of the work group with all her friends. Her friends had work today, but she didn't. I can understand why they did that, but it's not necessarily good for her to be in a group that doesn't have work very often.

Juggling

Some days I feel like I'm juggling, trying to keep up with my responsibilities as a pastor and my responsibilities as a Daughter. This morning's juggling was especially challenging. Before worship I was talking to some people when suddenly I was called to the other side of the church. Daughter wasn't responding. She was sitting there in the pew, blank. I finally got her to move a bit and saw a few words.

.

Part way through the service I looked out and once again the woman sitting next to her is trying to get her to respond. I can see her left arm twitching. The woman looked up at me with a look of panic and shook her head. Two women were singing a duet, so I walked down to tend to Daughter. She still wasn't very with it when the music ended and I had to go up front. The woman with her escorted her out to the restroom, so I knew she was now capable of movement. Another woman got up and followed.

.

While we were singing the hymn before the sermon, one of them came out to tell me Daughter was now talking and responding to them. I felt like a ten ton weight had been lifted from me. I made it through the rest of the worship service, but decided not to stay for Sunday School. No one was surprised, of course. There were expressions of concern from some of the members, and pointed silence from those who don't approve of the way I'm handling Daughter.

.

One of the women escorted Daughter home after worship and stayed with her until I got here. She is now asleep with her head on my shoulder. I will let her sleep for a while, and then I will wake her up for lunch. We have to go to Town this afternoon. I need to get groceries and stuff for youth group tonight.

.

Daughter has been doing so much sleeping during the day that she's not sleeping well at night. She's been raiding the kitchen, and her morning blood sugars have reflected it. I'm going to have to get a new door alarm for her. Now here's the terrible part. I find myself wondering if she was really having a seizure or she was just being dramatic to get attention. Sometimes I get tired of juggling.

Another Day...

I could lament what I failed to accomplish today, as once again things took longer than anticipated and unexpected demands were made on my time, or I could celebrate what I did manage to accomplish.

.

The bulletins for December 20, 24, 27, and January 3 are now done. The January newsletter is done, and for the first time we saved it as a pdf and sent it by email to people who had requested that option.

.

I delegated the genealogy research that was requested in an email I received yesterday from a different country. Daughter has seen Therapist, and has come up with a plan for dealing with her struggles.

.

Right now I'm trying to decide if I'm going to keep a lunch appointment with a colleague tomorrow or try to find someone to take shut-in communion with me tomorrow afternoon. I think I'll stick with the lunch. I need a break.

.

Saturday I have reserved to take Daughter to City Christmas shopping. Fitting everything in is always a challenge at this time of the year. It is a time of year where crises are magnified, like the unhappy wife I spoke with yesterday. The husband is now seeking time with me, as well. I take it as a high compliment that they are coming back to me for help getting their marriage back on track. It would be nice, though, if their marriage had gotten off track during a slower time of year....

The Final Push

Secretary leaves on vacation Friday. I will be gone December 27-30. That means that by Friday, we have to have the January newsletter done, bulletins completed for December 20, 24, 27, and January 3. People ask me if I'm ready for Christmas, and I laugh. When other people think about being ready for Christmas, they are thinking about cards, baking, decorating, shopping and wrapping gifts. My priorities are slightly different. As of today, all the bulletins are done except for January 3. I will have the information I need to complete that this afternoon. The newsletter is now the big challenge. It needs to be done by Thursday morning. I should have the rest of the information I need for it this evening. My goal is to always be far enough ahead in the office we can handle a big funeral that comes up unexpectedly. I did a funeral the morning of December 24th once, so I know the importance of being prepared. This year if a funeral came up, the newsletter would probably get pushed back and wouldn't get out until January 3rd instead of December 27th.

.

Once the newsletter is done and I'm slightly more comfortable with the progress I'm making on sermons for December 20 and 24, I will begin thinking about other things. I've already done some shopping (I hate stores, so much of my shopping gets done online), but there is more to do. Daughter has been bugging about shopping for weeks. I'll take her out this Saturday.

.

I stopped sending out Christmas cards years ago-- it was just an added stress I didn't need. The baking and decorating had to be done before last Sunday's open house (which went well). I still have one more batch of cookies I want to bake for a Christmas gift. Tomorrow I will visit the shut-ins and take them communion.

.

Daughter was home sick yesterday, and I learned that her wonderful story of a week ago was just that-- a story. The reality is going to be much harder. The tremors were bad this morning, and she asked for a straw to drink her milk so the milk wouldn't splash on her glasses. She's already called and asked me to come get her because she doesn't feel good. She needs to get through Christmas, and then we'll worry about tweaking her medication. I'll monitor the tremors, and if necessary call Psychiatrist about making adjustments yet this week.

.

Too often in the midst of all the work of this season, Daughter's wants get pushed aside. I'm sure she has lots of people asking her if she's ready for Christmas-- but since she's dependent on me for her preparations, that's hard. Christmas Day will be just the two of us, and I will work hard to make it special for her. I've told her she can have Nice Guy over for a nice meal on December 26th. We will leave to see family after worship on December 27.

.

For now, though, I'm working to get all the worship plans finalized. I'm looking at the January calendar and figuring out what needs to go in the newsletter. I'm making contact with people who need special attention at this time of year. I'm in the final push. Once I'm through it, I'll worry about being ready for Christmas.

Jealousy

Last night C came over and we cleaned out a closet and did some more work in my study. I made arrangements with her to come over if I wasn't home from a meeting in time for Daughter's bus today. Daughter pulled out all the stops today to convince me she couldn't stay at the workshop. She didn't feel good in the morning, she called when she got there, and she called when I was in my meeting (which was an hour away). I was firm-- I was sorry she wasn't feeling well, but I knew that she could make it through the day and I'd see her tonight. All these conversations were teary and she was using her most pathetic voice.

.

My meeting ended up lasting 2 1/2 hours, so I called C to be here to meet Daughter. I waited for Daughter to call me, upset that I wasn't home. She didn't. I finally called, and she sounded chipper. She was doing chores without being told. She wanted to cook supper for me, but I discouraged that. She continued to be chipper when I got home. After C left, she began sobbing, and couldn't tell me why. Suddenly I realized what was going on. "Are you jealous of C?"

.

She looked at me like I was an idiot. "Yes! I hear you in there laughing and talking and I feel left out." Right now I'm watching and coaching as she does wii bowling. I played a game with her, but she was frustrated because my score was higher, so I told her to practice.

.

I don't know why I didn't realize earlier that she was jealous. She is easily jealous. She gets jealous of the church, of family members when we're up visiting, of anyone who takes my time and attention away from her. We have an ongoing conversation about how she's my number one priority and she's the only one who can get in bed with me.

.

This evening I reminded her how frustrated we both get when we try to work together on the type of things I'm doing with C. I will also make sure I give her more undivided attention oer the next few days. I have C coming over in the evenings right now as the press is on to get ready for the open house on the 13th. Usually I can take some extra time during the day to work on open house preparations, but this year I'm juggling too many things to find any free time during the day. Losing 4 1/2 hours to the meeting today didn't help. This is a challenging time of the year to say the least.

Revisiting the Opportunity

Case Manager called today. She wanted to warn me if I turned down this opportunity to get Daughter into supported living, it might be 10 years before there would be another opening. She suggested using it as respite for 2 weeks to see how it would work. If I intended to stay here long term, I'd probably view this opportunity differently. As it is, though, I could be moving within the next year, and I don't want to leave Daughter behind and move to another state. Would it be fair to pull her out of her new home just as she's settling in?

.

There's the issue of her current emotional state and all the stress she's had the last few months. She could very well view this as me getting rid of her, which would be the biggest trigger of them all. I'm not sure she's strong enough to handle it.

.

If she moves into supported living, she loses my insurance, as I would no longer be providing over half of her support. That means she would lose Therapist (who doesn't take Medicaid). She could lose other doctors, too, since I've had to sweet talk many of them and point out that my insurance is primary.

.

There's the issue of her diabetes. If medical professionals on the psych unit have so much trouble managing her diabetes, how can I expect the staff in a supported living home to handle it? The staff member who took her to the area track meet last spring hadn't read the instructions about Daughter's diabetes, and even though I gave her instruction, she didn't do any of the things I told her to do and shorted Daughter on her insulin, causing her blood sugar to go sky high.

.

I would gain my freedom if she were to move. I could unlock my knives and medication. I would be free to come and go without worrying about finding sitters for her. I could go to conferences, and be gone all day, and cook and eat without constantly measuring food and calculating carbs.

.

I'm going to have to do some more praying about this. I made an appointment with Therapist for Daughter tomorrow, but I think I'm going to go alone. The two of us can weigh the pros and cons and come up with a plan. At this point, my inclination is still to turn it down. If we have to wait 10 more years, we wait. I don't plan to be here in 10 years, and I know that God will provide the right opportunity at the right time. I'm not sure this is the right opportunity at the right time.

Distracted

It's Saturday, and I'm not even close to finishing the worship planning for tomorrow. I've been very distracted this week by Dad's continuing decline. I've done the necessities, but the things that could get pushed off and have gotten pushed off. Sister called this morning with the news that Dad won't be discharged today because he still needs three more breathing treatments. She said she was glad, because he was having difficulty breathing yesterday, and she had to help him change position before he could talk. Interesting. Yesterday she told me he was doing great and his lungs were now clear. What I know first hand is that he still has no interest in having phone conversations. I'm lucky if I can keep him on the phone for a minute.

.

Daughter is complaining of a variety of vague physical symptoms. She's having a hard time with all of this. Her needs are one more thing to distract me from sermon writing and such. For now I need to set aside the distractions and get busy with finalizing tomorrow's worship service.

Balancing Act

Right now life and ministry are requiring some balancing. Daughter is not doing as well as I would like. She threatened to take a knife up to her room and cut herself last night. Fortunately, she doesn't have access to her insulin or medication anymore, and she hasn't cut herself in years, so I'm not too concerned. It is indicative, though, of her lack of coping skills.

.

Dad's kidneys are failing, so the doctor stopped the diuretic. Stopping the diuretic is not a good thing when you're in congestive heart failure and your lungs are filling with fluid. Far Away Sister and I told Sister that this could be fatal today. She was shocked to hear that bit of news.

.

Brother insists Dad is fine and will be able to handle the open house on Saturday without any problems. He refuses to consider contingency plans. I hope he's right, but I have my doubts.

.

I have one more funeral this week, need to get a sermon done for Sunday, and needed to go to the nursing home today to visit the 3 saints still there. I've buried 3 of their friends in the last few weeks, and so I wanted to make contact with them. As expected, M was unhappy because she hadn't seen me in over a week. C & D assured me I didn't need to worry about them, and they knew I was busy. I told them all that I couldn't guarantee I'd be there next week since Dad isn't doing well.

.

Last night the power steering went out on my car. This morning I started calling dealerships looking for someone who could get it in right away and give me a loaner. It's still under warranty. One dealer wasn't willing to help at all. He said they couldn't look at it until late today and wouldn't give me a loaner until they knew what was wrong with it. The other gave me a loaner, but warned me it couldn't go out of state if they didn't have my car fixed by tomorrow. Since I need to go out of state for Dad's birthday open house, this was a bit of a concern. I called Far Away Sister, who has ties to the auto industry. Turns out Brother-in-law is visiting a corporate officer of the company that made my car this week. She told me where to start in the quest for a car I could take out of state, and promised to make some calls if that didn't work. Fortunately, I got a call this afternoon. The problem is a module they can replace tomorrow. The dealership is in the same town as the funeral, so I will pick up my car before or after the funeral, depending on when they get it done.

.

Daughter is going back and forth between sleeping and complaining this evening. It could be a very long evening with her. I need to get the funeral for tomorrow finalized tonight. I'm also working on laundry. I will finalize Sunday's sermon tomorrow morning.

.

In the midst of all of this, I'm doing well. I'm at the level of stress that forces me to think clearly, prioritize, and make effective use of my time, which I am doing. Of course, the next think I have to throw into my balancing act may be the one thing that causes me to drop everything, but for now, things are balanced.

Why I Go Camping

For years my pattern was to disappear for 4 weeks in July. We'd go to the conference we attend annually and I'd reflect on the past year of ministry and wind down. We'd spend time with family, and we'd go camping for at least a week, if not longer. By the time we returned, I'd be refreshed, renewed, and excited about new possibilities. I'd be ready for another year of ministry.

Several years ago, things conspired to prevent us from camping for several years. Daughter had a summer where she had 3 psychiatric hospitalizations. She wasn't stable enough to handle camping. Then my parents' health began to deteriorate, and vacation time was spent tending to their needs. I missed that time in the woods, but I didn't realize how much until I was able to camp this year.

Away from our normal routine and distractions, I made some discoveries about my interactions with Daughter. We were sitting in a downtown shopping area one afternoon and I watched a mother and her daughter walk by, talking animatedly about something. I realized that most of my conversations with Daughter involve teaching, being therapeutic, or her health. "What's your blood sugar?" "Pull the zipper back and try again." "What are the good things that have happened today? Put your focus on those things." "What did you learn from your mistake?" "Take some deep breaths and relax."

Now I'm not sure that Daughter is capable of the kind of give and take I saw that pair engaging in that day, but I do think I need to make more of an effort to just be present with her, and not as teacher or therapist. There were two incidents that helped make this clear to me. One morning she sat down at the picnic table to check her blood sugar and said, "Oh, that's what that battery meant." A battery had been showing up on her meter for some time, but she didn't know what it meant. Now, the meter was dead. Fortunately, we had a back-up, but I told her she needed to tell me these things so we could be prepared. She informed me she had. I insisted she hadn't. Then she said the words that stung, "Well, if you'd get off the phone and pay attention to me, maybe you would have known." Another time we were sitting side by side in chairs next to the campfire. The smoke drifted over towards her, and she made sounds of frustration. I suggested if the smoke was bothering her, she move her chair. "But I want to be near you."

Trying to practice what I seek to teach her, I looked at what I could learn from these incidents. I need to be more attentive to her and just spend more time with her. I resolved that I would spend less time on the computer and the TV and more time just being with her. We will go for walks, play cards, and hopefully have conversations about things other than her physical or emotional health.

Daughter always struggles when we camp, because she needs her routine. This year she allowed herself to enjoy it more, and told me she is looking forward to next year. I suspect that at least part of the reason is because she finally had my undivided attention, and we were able to have fun together. I need to make sure that we have those times throughout the year, and not just in July.

Appointments

Daughter has 4 different doctors who prescribe medications for her: her family doctor, the endocrinologist (diabetes), the neurologist (epilepsy), and the psychiatrist. The family doctor is 12 miles away (if we can catch her when she's in the office near us), and the others are all at least 45 miles away, with the neurologist 100 miles away. She sees the neurologist twice a year and the endocrinologist 4 times a year. We've seen the psychiatrist as often as every 2 weeks and when she's stable have gone as long as 3-4 months between visits. She also sees therapist regularly. It is a constant balancing act, trying to get her the medical care she needs without spending all of our time running to appointments. Her doctors and I work hard to minimize the appointments as she has a tendency to play up her ailments. We want her to see herself as able.

.

A couple of months ago they tested everyone is hearing at the workshop. Daughter flunked. The nurse wanted me to take her to the doctor immediately. Daughter is able to hear the TV when it is turned down to a very low level, and I've not seen any signs of hearing loss, so I decided not to make another appointment, but to mention it to her family doctor when I take her in for her meds. The nurse continues to bug Daughter about how she needs to get to the doctor because she can't hear. I continue to assure Daughter we'll get it taken care of. Today, I called and made the appointment with her doctor for next month. She needs a new physical for Special Olympics by July, and two of her prescriptions need renewal.

.

I'm sure the nurse thinks I'm neglecting Daughter's health. In the last 2 weeks she's had three appointments. I still need to schedule appointments for an eye exam and the dentist. The dentist wants me to get her wisdom teeth pulled. The closed oral surgeon who takes medicaid is over 100 miles away. They aren't bothering her. It will be complicated because of her diabetes. I'm not in a huge hurry. I'm sure the dentist thinks I'm neglecting her, too.

.

There are those who probably think I'm neglecting the church because I spend so much time transporting Daughter to doctor's appointments. It doesn't matter that I work on sermons in waiting rooms, or that I work many evenings and seldom get a full day off. I have actually been told that they don't care about my family and don't want to hear anything about it.

.

Endocrinologist walked into the room Monday and gave Daughter a high five to congratulate her for her excellent blood sugar control. I'm glad there is someone who doesn't think I'm neglecting Daughter's health.

Sunday

Daughter had a rough day yesterday. She hadn't slept well and her blood sugar was running high. She was clingy and needy. I nurtured and kept going. We didn't go to church yesterday-- too exhausted and it would have been too complicated with her over at Sister's house. We watched My Big Fat Greek Wedding on my computer last night. Neither one of us had seen it, and we both enjoyed it.

.

We spent about 3 hours with Dad yesterday afternoon. He is doing really well. When we walked in, he had an infomercial on TV. I grabbed the remote and turned to Encore Westerns or whatever it's called. He used to enjoy watching their movies, but hasn't in quite a while. We watched a western together, and after initially telling me how he doesn't watch them anymore, he really enjoyed it. The assisted living place has a large, wrap-around front porch with lots of rocking chairs. We pushed him down there since it was a beautiful day. He decided to stay down there when we left, assuring me he could get back in for supper. I saw this engagement and interest as a very positive sign.

.

I'm still not sure when we'll head home.... Sister's birthday is Wednesday, and Niece has a dance recital that evening. Sister would really like us to stay for that, but I really need to get home and get to work, too. I think at this point, we'll probably just stay. Thanks, everyone, for your ongoing support.