Sucked In

Sister and Short Niece are both struggling as they adjust to life on their own. Short Niece is struggling with going between her mom and dad's home. Sister is a helicopter parent, which makes it harder for Short Niece to be away from her.
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Short Niece, as is to be expected, is running back and forth between the two houses with all kinds of stories. Sister is taking the bait, hook, line, and sinker. I end up getting the distraught phone calls as Sister reports to me everything Short Niece said to her. I remind her that Short Niece's reports are filtered through her emotional state and her interpretation, and are most likely designed to get a reaction. I'm a little frustrated because it seems that Sister isn't taking any of my suggestions. I'm not convinced she wants to improve the situation.
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The one bit of good news is that she is getting Short Niece in to see a counselor this week. I don't think she'll be real happy when the counselor begins making suggestions about changes she needs to make to her approach. She told SN's dad about the counselor, and he wants to talk to her. She's not thrilled with that idea. I told her I think it is wonderful that he wants to be involved and that she should give him the counselor's name and number.
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I'm hoping that the counselor will encourage Sister to get some help. I know Sister is frustrated with me because I won't join her in trashing her ex and his mom. My mantra with her is that this is hard on everyone and she needs to remember that they all love SN and want what's best for her. That's not the answer she's looking for. I have managed to disengage from Daughter's drama, so you'd think it would be easy not to get sucked in to Sister's drama. It's proving to be hard, though. Very hard.

Today I Slept In

Today I slept in. I woke up to a day of absolutely no commitments. In fact, I don't have to do anything until I pick up Daughter at 3:00 tomorrow. I think I'll let her stay until Monday. I've decided I'm taking Monday off. The reality is that I really haven't had much time to simply sit and be. I preached Saturday and Sunday. Monday and Tuesday I prepared to host my family on Wednesday. Yesterday I had a memorial service to lead and then took Daughter shopping.
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So today, I slept in. I have finished cleaning the house from our family Christmas. I have talked to Daughter-- a wonderfully happy, playful, non-manipulative Daughter. She is pleased that I will pick her up at 3:00 tomorrow. All she wants is to spend some time with me. She was disappointed when I took her back yesterday, but didn't object. She had to go back because I gave her the last of one of her meds. They had more at the house, but hadn't sent it with her. I'm glad I had to take her back, because it gave me the gift of this day.
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Today I slept in. I'm not completely free today-- I'd like to get everything ready for worship Sunday, but I don't have anyplace I have to be or any immediate deadlines, and I'm enjoying the opportunity to just relax.

Christmas Meltdowns

Yesterday I hosted the family Christmas. It was an interesting day. 4 of my 7 guests had meltdowns. I told Far Away Sister that Daughter had trained me well, and the meltdowns didn't prevent me from having fun.
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Sister and Short Niece moved this fall. Sister's husband announced he wanted a divorce one week before she found out she was pregnant. They tried to work it out, and then Sister stuck around while they tried to work out something on the house. Finally they decided to walk away from it. They are badly underwater on it. So Short Niece has never known anything but living with divorced parents. She is struggling with adjusting to the reality of going between two parents. She has always been the youngest and thus the center of attention at family gatherings. She has been displaced by Baby Nephew. She was having a hard time yesterday, and had several meltdowns, which prompted Sister to meltdown. Sister has, at the urging of Far Away Sister and me, found a therapist for Short Niece. Hopefully that will help her deal with all that is going on in her life.
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Daughter actually did better than either of them, though it was hard on her to have all the people and chaos here, but she did have some mild meltdowns. She removed herself several times, but after Sister and Short Niece left, she came and watched us play cards and then watched TV.
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Baby Nephew is only 9 months old, so I guess it's to be expected that he had a meltdown. He also took two naps in my arms. Short Niece dropped him (no injuries, fortunately), so I think he had the best excuse for a meltdown. He is actually a very laid back, good natured baby. I ended up feeding Brother twice, since they were here 8 hours.
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I enjoyed myself. Thanks to Daughter, I can avoid getting sucked into the drama. I'm sorry Sister and Short Niece were having a hard time, but it's not my problem or responsibility. I'm sure I'll hear from Sister today, and she'll be angry with other family members. Short Niece goes back to spend more time with her Dad, which will be hard on Sister.
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I have a funeral this morning, and then I'm taking Daughter shopping this afternoon. I realized this morning that I failed to lock the refrigerator and guest room last night. I was exhausted and didn't feel good. It will be interesting to see what her blood sugar is this morning....

Consequences

I'm continuing to cook and clean today. Daughter wants to come help. I explained to her that until I can trust her around food, she can't be here when I'm doing the kinds of things I'm doing today. She wasn't happy, but she understood. I cleaned out the refrigerator today. It needed it badly. I've been unlocking and opening the refrigerator for as brief a period as possible. It was nice to take time to really clean it out today.
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I hope that at some point she will be able to be here without food being locked up. The food is not locked up at her house, and she has been staying away from it there. She can do it, I hope eventually she will choose to do it here, too. Until then, though, she will not be around when I'm doing a lot of cooking.

Unstructured Time

Daughter has called twice this evening. She won't have program again until January 3, and the unstructured time between now and then is going to be very hard on her. I told her that if I get a lot done, I may be able to come get her tomorrow evening. She wants to come back now, of course. I told her I was doing a lot of cooking, and I didn't want to have to deal with locking the food up. She said she's working on the food issue. I hope so. The reality, though, is that she would be just as bored here as she is there, if not more so, since she wouldn't have other people around.
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I have had a good day. I've made twice baked potatoes and two kinds of cookies, and had time to sick and relax, too. I think I'm done with baking now. Tomorrow I'm going to put together some appetizers and clean. Hopefully I'll have enough done to be comfortable picking Daughter up tomorrow evening. She was asking to play video games, so maybe we can do that tomorrow evening.

Success!

I took Daughter back this morning. She was here two nights and it went well. I will pick her up Wednesday morning for the family Christmas. I offered her the option of spending Wednesday night here and going to church with me on Thursday. I told her when I was done with the memorial service, I was willing to take her shopping to spend her gift card. She thought that was a great idea. She wants to help with the dinner after the memorial service. She'll also help fold bulletins. It was so nice to have a pleasant visit with her. Even better, she didn't object to going back today. She may be going to a movie this afternoon with a friend, but we aren't sure.
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I spoke with one of the staff members at the facility. They still don't have a med coordinator, but she's stepped up and is making sure prescriptions are kept filled. All of Daughter's meds are not on the cards, which makes it so much easier. They are arranged around her box by time of day. I'm going to be domestic today and tomorrow, doing some cleaning and baking. I think Kitten may need another flea bath. Then I think I'll put the expensive flea treatment on her. I think it's been long enough since I put the cheap, ineffective ones on her. We'll see. I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas, and that all of your traumatized children were able to enjoy it without trauma issues interfering.

Christmas

It has been a pleasant day. I got up early to put the egg casserole in the oven. We had our big breakfast before going to church. There weren't a lot of people there, but it was a good group and the service was relaxed and fun. Daughter and I have been watching TV since we got home. I did take time to make dinner: ham and scalloped corn. With the family room open to the kitchen, I could keep track of the movie while I was cooking.
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Daughter has been happy and relaxed most of the day. She knew that I would take her back if she wasn't. She has plans tomorrow, so I'll take her back in the morning. I'll get her again on Wednesday for the family Christmas gathering. I'm going to do some baking and cleaning tomorrow. I keep thinking about what I need to do when I go into church tomorrow, and then remember I don't have to go in until Thursday for the memorial service. I guess because I have the memorial service and I'm preaching on Sunday it doesn't feel like vacation this week.
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One of the men commented this morning that he thought I'd be dragging this morning, but I seemed as into it as ever. I really did get into the whole service today. I did some things a little differently, and that was fun. It's getting a late, so Daughter is getting a little bit grouchy. I really do feel like she is settling in and doing well. I hope that will continue.

Merry Christmas! Years ago I gave up on Christmas cards and letters. I determined that the season was busy and stressful enough. If I were to write one this year, I would talk about the blessings of this past year:

I am grateful to be serving with a wonderful congregation in a great city. I have been here for just over 14 months, and I love everything about it more with each passing day. I am especially grateful to be able to participate on a regular basis with several groups of colleagues. I'm enjoying being back in community and the opportunities to grow and explore new ideas.

Daughter is doing well here. We have a great team working with her. She is in a community inclusion program, so every day they go on outings in the community. I often hear that she has run into church members at the mall or bowling alley, where she often greets them with hugs.

She did more traveling this year than I did with two weeks at church camp this summer, and loved them both. We attended a conference, where I taught a Bible Study and Daughter helped with one of the children's classes. We also spent a week on a mission trip to Tennessee with the church. I spent my vacation time working in my yard. The previous owners had done a lot of landscaping, but they were elderly, and failing health and a year of sitting vacant had resulted in it becoming overgrown. I had help from several church members as I sought to tame it. I love my house and yard, and plan to put in raised garden beds for vegetables this spring.

A rough patch this fall resulted in several medication changes for Daughter and moved her up the waiting list for residential. In November she moved into a residential facility about 20 minutes from there. She loves her 12 "sisters" and the move has gone more smoothly than any of anticipated. She comes home every Thursday night for choir practice and spends the night with me. I pick her up for worship on Sunday morning. For now, she is continuing in the same day program. Eventually we hope she will be able to handle community employment.

One of the blessings of the move is that we are closer to family and friends, though I have been so busy we haven't seen them as much as I thought we would. I will host the family Christmas on the 28th, and am looking forward to it.

Daughter joins me in hoping you know the blessings of God's love and grace throughout the coming year.

Love and peace

So Much for that Idea

Daughter wants scalloped corn for Christmas tomorrow. I've never made it, but she said, "You know, I'm trying lots of new food now, and I was wondering if you could make...." So I'm making it. Of course, she told me this yesterday, and I did't have the ingredients. I decided to hit the super store early this morning, when it would be quiet. It was a good thought, but it didn't work that way. The store was busy. I'm sure it will get busier as the day goes on, so I'm glad I didn't wait. I'm still surprised at how busy it was that early.
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Daughter has called. She was in a good mood, and wanted to know if I could come get her earlier. I told her I'd see how my day goes. I want to have the breakfast casserole in the refrigerator and be ready for tonight's worship before I go pick her up. We'll see.
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I hope everyone finds peace and joy this Christmas Eve.

A Gift

Due to confusion this morning, I didn't have a hair appointment when I thought I did. So, I headed over to the church to pick something up. I decided Daughter should help fold bulletins and newsletters because one of the usual volunteers was not coming in today and there was more to do than usual. I began clearing off my desk. Then I had Daughter sort through the piles of magazines and organize them in the cases I have for magazines. I filed all the papers that had piled up on my desk (when I reached the surface, the large desk calendar was still on October. It took several hours, but my office is clean. I asked Administrative Assistant how long she thought I'd keep my desk clean. She pondered for a minute, and then said, "I think a week." She paused and added, "You are off for the next week." The confusion about my appointment turned out to be a gift. I'm delighted that I will be returning to a clean office.
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There was a steady stream of people dropping in for a variety of reasons. I told AA we should have anticipated that. Daughter was super cooperative. She had a bit of an attitude this morning, so we talked about it. I didn't have the guest room securely locked, so she got into sweets overnight. Her blood sugar was high this morning. She acknowledged that guilt was what had set her off, and that if she'd just stayed out of the guest room, there wouldn't have been a problem. She was ready to go back, as one of the staff members promised to braid her hair today.
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The mall traffic is insane. I headed north to go south to the church so that I wouldn't have to go by the mall. Of course, my hair appointment was at the mall. My stylist said this is the busiest she's seen the mall in a number of years, and she was glad to see it so busy. There are a lot of empty store fronts, so that is really encouraging to hear they are busier than usual this year.
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I still need to finalize two sermons and develop the powerpoints to go with them, but they will get done. I will pick Daughter up again tomorrow afternoon, and she'll spend the night with me. I need to find and wrap her gifts before I pick her up. I have them hidden around the house.
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I'm a little stressed, but not as much as I am most years. It really is nice not to have to deal with Daughter and her drama.

Early Morning Phone Call

I overslept this morning (I can do that now that I don't have to have Daughter ready for the bus at 6:30). I woke up to a phone call-- from Daughter. When I answered, she began to sing to me: "Good morning to you...." She was very happy. She talked about helping two of her "sisters" dress up for today (program Christmas parties). She wanted to know if she could spend more time with me, since she's off until after the new year. I told her I was looking forward to seeing her tonight for choir, and that we could talk more then. She was fine with that. I could get used to phone calls like that!

Productive Day

Yesterday afternoon Administrative Assistant and I were thinking we would be in the office two days next week. This afternoon we left confident we would only have to work one. Administrative Assistant is tweaking the newsletter while she waits for one more bit of information.

I figured out Christmas Day, New Year's Day and the memorial service. I led the noon prayer service and met with the daughter and son-in-law of the woman who died. We are very grateful for such a productive day.

Daughter didn't call, though I had a couple of emails. The House Manager at her group home has been told by her doctor she can only work half days. I think it is going to be a challenge for her to establish her authority in the midst of the dysfunction among the staff at the home if she's only working half a day, so I suspect we will be looking at another management change....

I stopped at the grocery store on the way home and picked up some items for Christmas and for the supper Daughter requested tomorrow night. Traffic was not fun. The main commercial strip is between my home and the church. This time of year I often have to sit through several signal lights because of the traffic.

I brought home some work to do this evening, including an initial proof read of the newsletter. Administrative Assistant and I will read it through several times, and may recruit someone else to read it, too.

For now, though, I'm going to relax for a while.

More on Monday's Meeting and the Aftermath

We talked about a number of things at the meeting Monday, including the fact that Daughter likes the group home, but won't acknowledge it to me, because she wants me to feel guilty and is punishing me. Whenever this came up, Daughter would put something over her face to hide her grin. I would make a show of looking away so she could acknowledge that she liked it without me seeing it.
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I think (hope) that was an important acknowledgement. Yesterday evening she called and she was excited because they were going to a jazz club. I'm not clear about what this activity is, but they go somewhere to listen to live music on Tuesday evenings. She was excited and willing to share that excitement with me.
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A couple of hours later, she called back, sad. She said her old problem was back and the noise had been overwhelming and she had to leave. She wanted to be with me. I told her that wasn't possible, but asked if she had talked to Therapist that day about a self soothing kit. She had, so I suggested she make use of those things, and she decided she'd do it. I also reminded her I was looking forward to seeing her Thursday. It was good.
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At Monday's meeting, Therapist had talked about how one of the things they do with borderlines in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy is have the individual take a box and put in it things they can use to sooth themselves. I hadn't heard that, but for years I have been responding to Daughter's crises by encouraging her to do things that are soothing. That's one of the reasons I keep replacing her ipod-- music is very helpful for her in self soothing. In fact, at one point I wasn't going to replace it because it had been damaged by her negligence. The staff at her program begged me to replace it, because it was so soothing to her.
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Yesterday evenings conversations were more real. She was being much less manipulative. I think (hope) that we have turned a corner in her adjustment to living away from me. That would be the best Christmas present ever!

Focus

This week I have 3 worship services to finalize, 4 sermons to write, and a newsletter to write. Oh, and the Wednesday noon prayer service to figure out. On weeks like this, I find it very hard to focus. I was pacing today, as I sought to figure out where to begin and had all these ideas and thoughts bouncing around in my head. We had lots of people dropping in with various concerns: what happened to the children's Sunday school material? how can we support a family having financial struggles? what about paint colors for the painting that will begin in January? why did the service board do things this way? what did the board do with the budget last night? how do we handle my salary package for next year? meaning that there were plenty of things to distract me. I finally decided I needed to go out to lunch.
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I took sermon material and headed out the door. I think Administrative Assistant was relieved, as my pacing was taking a path through her office. I went to the local coney and ordered a coney platter and iced tea. I focused on the sermon material, and quickly had Christmas Eve outlined. It had been bouncing around in my head for days, but had never made it on to paper.
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I came back and started pandora on instrumental Christmas music. I quickly wrote the last three articles I needed to write for the newsletter and shipped them off to AA. I told AA for the 45th time that it really does help me to focus if I can get away for a little bit. She is quite patient with my quirks. While I was gone I thought about the things I needed her to get me for my meeting with the family tomorrow about the memorial service next week. When I walked back into the church, she handed them to me. It's scary the way she reads my mind sometimes.
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I've now finished the prayer service for tomorrow noon. AA has gone home to celebrate her daughter's birthday. I'm trying to figure out Christmas Day. I'm beginning to get some ideas, so I should be able to get it finalized today. We need to ship it off to the volunteer who puts together the PowerPoint.
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I requested a Sunday off in January at the meeting last night, but hadn't selected a date. Today I decided it will be January 29. The two boards will have an all day meeting on January 28th, so it will be wonderful not to have to worry about leading worship the next day.
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As crazy and stressful as this week is, I'm grateful that we sat down at the beginning of November to space out the work. It did help. AA observed that she was having a hard time figuring out how to fit everything into the newsletter, as there was so much information that needed to go into it. I pointed out to her that is part of the reason why we are so stressed....
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As stressful as the week is, I love the challenge of juggling multiple projects. I love my work.

After the Meeting

Daughter's new antipsychotic has to be taken with food. The recommendation is that it be taken with a full meal. If it's not, it's not absorbed properly. Yesterday Daughter called me around supper time. She wanted clarification on when she was supposed to take her pill. She had just heard us talk about it with Psychiatrist, and knew she was supposed to have it with supper. They weren't going to give it to her until bedtime. I spoke with staff who said the orders said 8:00, so they couldn't give it until 8:00. So I called the nurse with the cell phone number she had given me. It took her several phone calls, but she finally convinced them to give it at supper. Today she will correct the order. I hope that the system will continue to be as responsive.
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Daughter called again during my meeting. The board started laughing, because they have seen the routine before. They decided it was a good time to pass around the tray of leftover goodies from the open house. (I had told them they had to eat them all. The tray was passed around several times.) Daughter claimed that another resident told her that a staff member had complained to her and said Daughter needed to move out because Daughter had reported seeing a staff member hit a resident. I reminded Daughter that the resident was notoriously unreliable and loved to stir up trouble. She is the one they've been trying to move out since before Daughter moved in. I will be glad when she is gone. What has pleased me is the way Daughter handled both situations. She called, and she was calm and matter of fact, reporting, not manipulating.
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Yesterday ended well.

Ministry

About a month ago I went to visit a woman who was very depressed. She's too young (and poor) to retire, and too old to easily find another job. Her workplace can only be described as toxic. We talked, and I gave her some suggestions about ways to deal with the stress. One thing I suggested was that when she hung up her work clothes when she got home, she also hang up all thoughts of the place. I also encouraged her to plan a vacation south to see a sister in January or February so she would have a break to look forward to. She works many Sunday mornings, so I hadn't seen her since our visit. Yesterday she was in worship. She rushed over to greet me with a hug and kiss, thanking me for my time and telling me how much it had helped and how much better she felt. She had to work last night, so she wasn't able to Christmas caroling or come to my open house. So one of the groups went and sang carols to her where she works. She was thrilled. So often in ministry we don't know if we're making a difference, so it was wonderful to learn that my visit had been helpful to her.

We had both boards meet in a joint meeting tonight, including all the people who will begin service in January, which meant there were about 25 people there. I told them I was too tired to do higher math tonight, and I couldn't count because it required more than my toes and fingers. We had some time of retiring and continuing members imparting their wisdom and sharing what they thought we should work on in the coming year. The new people shared their hopes/concerns. It was a very positive meeting. The service board then left and I continued with the leadership board. The leadership board was so positive about my leadership this past year.

I asked for a Sunday to be determined off in January. I told them I was tired. The co-moderator of the search committee told me he was proud of me for asking for a Sunday before he had to yell at me. It was such a positive meeting. Lots of laughter and sharing. Some good dreams for the future. In January the two boards will another Monday night and all day on Saturday together to do more intense planning for the coming year.

Have I mentioned lately how much I love serving with this congregation?

The Meeting

We had the team meeting today on Daughter's plan. There was universal horror at the med situation. House Manager has some real challenges with the staff there. She has several issues to go back and address. I also have her personal cell phone number for the next time there is an issue. Nurse was going down to talk to the pharmacy as we left. In spite all the medication issues, Daughter is happy with the move.

I'm optimistic that the problems will be addressed. They are working on getting a new medical coordinator, hopefully one that will last longer than the last one. The woman who has been stirring up a great deal of problem should be moving out in the next month. Daughter was present for the entire meeting, and handled it well. We could tell she was getting overwhelmed at times, but I was very proud of how she handled herself. More later. Need to finish preparing for the board meeting this evening....

I Don't Think So

Case Manager just called. She has a medical appointment to deal with an important issue that came up over the weekend, and wondered about rescheduling today's meeting. I told her absolutely not. If she's not there, we'll just have to do it without her. I told her that wasn't fair to Daughter, and Daughter wasn't stable enough to handle having this meeting we've been anticipating rescheduled (probably for some time in January or February). CM had not read the email yet, so was unaware of the med issues.
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The meeting is going forward today to deal with the med issues, and we may need to meet again next month to finish her plan for the year. Got a response this morning from Home Manager. They're "trying" to find a new med coordinator. It should be an interesting meeting, to say the least. Program Manager will be transporting Daughter to the meeting. She just responded to the team pointing out that the old pharmacy automatically refilled prescriptions on a monthly basis. There are so many new, inexperienced players in this equation that is a real mess. My goal for today's meeting is simple: Make sure there is a proactive plan with safeguards to make sure Daughter is getting the medication she needs when she needs it. One of my main concerns about this move was making sure her medical needs were met.
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I am not going to bring her home, and the situation has to improve immediately.

Action

I'm amazed-- but somehow they supposedly managed to get the antipsychotic filled on Sunday. In Daughter's last call staff told her to tell me the pharmacy would be delivering it. The only thing I can think is they contacted the pharmacy on the psych unit, because I know the retail unit in the mental health building isn't open weekends.
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Daughter was sobbing the last time she called, begging me to come get her so she could be at the open house. She promised she'd be good. It broke my heart. I told her I knew she would want to be good, but I didn't think she would be able to handle the chaos. Besides, I didn't have time to go get her. I promised her I'd see her at the meeting tomorrow.
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The open house went very well. Kitten charmed everyone, moving from lap to lap to snooze. I hope she didn't share any fleas with anyone. I don't know how many people came, but it was well attended. One of the men was wearing a ridiculous Christmas tree hat. Another man had a Santa hat with Goofy ears with flashing lights. It was a fun evening. Apparently Daughter had a number of interesting conversations this morning at church. I was hearing reports. One woman heard about her anger and frustration with the med issues. She told another woman to stop whining.
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I'm tired. I'm going to do a little more clean up and then head to bed. I have a doctor's appointment at 10:00 tomorrow morning, and then Daughter's meeting and such beginning at 1:00. A woman who was over 100 years old died yesterday evening. I saw her on Thursday, and knew death was close. I told her daughter Administrative Assistant and I would be available when they needed us, even if it is the week we're off between Christmas and New Year's. I got an email from her this evening, and they're thinking about a memorial service on December 29. A lot of family will be visiting for the holidays, making it easier. Of course I told her I'd be available, but my heart sank. I need some time off. I'm tired. I don't know when I'll get it, but I need it. I now have 4 sermons to write between now and January 1. It's going to be another busy week. I think I need to head to bed....

2:00

I had to take Daughter back. She was going to walk back. She'd first asked to go back at 12:35. That one blew over. I was intentionally not engaging her. I was letting her choose what, if anything, she wanted to do to help with the final preparations. By 2:00 it was obvious she couldn't handle this, and would end up embarrassing herself at the open house if I didn't take her back. As she said as we were headed back, "I'm not in my right mind." I told her I knew that, and we'd get the meds straight and she'd be fine. "No I won't. They're never going to get the meds right."
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Turns out the med coordinator is no longer with them. Daughter made quite an entrance, and when a staff member got on her, I informed her she couldn't help it-- she is off her antipsychotic. Daughter certainly got their attention. They were tracking down the house manager for the men who is supposed to be filling in as med coordinator. They are also out of her birth control pills.
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This is so unfair to Daughter. I was crying by the time I left her. She was curled up on the floor of the office, sobbing. Now I have to pull it together and finish the open house preparations so I can be a charming hostess. At least that gives me something to focus on other than Daughter's pain.

Not Off to a Promising Start

When I got to the group home to pick up Daughter, she hadn't had breakfast. Daughter wanted to know if she had time for breakfast. I told her not unless she could take it to go, as I had a lot to do and we needed to get going. The staff member on meds had been late getting in, and is new and very slow. Daughter claims she tried to give her the wrong pills, giving her night pills instead of morning pills. Daughter hadn't packed for spending the night-- she said she didn't know, but I'm sure I told her.
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By the time we got out of the house, Daughter was crying (and hungry). I explained to staff that the plan is for her to spend the night, but if she is too volatile, I may bring her back this afternoon. I suspect she'll be going back this afternoon. I realized halfway here that staff hadn't given me her night time insulin from the refrigerator. I have a feeling it's going to be a very long day....
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I still have quite a bit to do in preparation for the open house. My workload and Daughter's lack of the antipsychotic could make for an explosive combination. I hope I'm wrong, and she's able to pull it together. It will be an interesting team meeting tomorrow as I express my concerns over some of these issues. A very interesting meeting.

Growing Frustration

Daughter called a little while ago, in tears. She doesn't know what's wrong. There aren't any activities planned for today. She can't handle the noise there. She doesn't think they gave her all the medications they are supposed to give her this morning-- she thinks they shorted one of her mood stabilizers. So she's now without her antipsychotic and short on her mood stabilizer. I noticed when I did her meds this week that they had changed the strength of the pill, and that I had to punch out a pill from each of two different cards (all her meds are now blister packed). I was concerned, as she's always had the proper strength of the pill so she only had to take one. All the other meds that she had to take two of them had the two of them together in one blister. I thought it was confusing.
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I sent an email out this morning to the entire team, expressing my concern over what had happened. I ache for Daughter. This is so unfair to her. We have her 30 day meeting Monday and then she sees Psychiatrist. That should be interesting. Daughter said that the medical coordinator wasn't there any more. She didn't know if that was because she doesn't work there, or she's just been off or not working when Daughter is there. I find myself wondering if she was fired. I know she was struggling in the new position.
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It looks like we're going to have an interesting weekend.

Frustrated Mom

Daughter and I had a good evening yesterday. She talked about some of her feelings. I can help when she's willing to talk about her feelings. I talked about the things she needs to do to get and keep a job. I reminded her that no place is perfect, and she needs to learn how to deal with frustrating situations, because she will always face them.
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When she left this morning, there were some genuine tears-- she misses living at home. I was pleased with the way this visit went, and hoped maybe we'd turned a corner. Then she called this evening. They are out of her antipsychotic. The pharmacy is closed until Monday. The Christmas Open House is Sunday, and I was planning on having her with me all day and taking her to her program on Monday. I am dreading what being off her antipsychotic will do to her. I'm a frustrated mom. I just want to cry. I told Daughter to have whoever is on meds call me. That was 3 hours ago. I think they may be avoiding me. That may be a smart thing to do....

Ministry

I began the day with a 7:30 breakfast with colleagues, and will end tonight by (hopefully) finalizing Sunday's sermon while Daughter is at choir. In between we worked on Christmas and New Year's Day worship, and I made 4 visits. One visit was at a senior high rise, and one was in the hospital. Both places I was introduced to others with great pride, "This is my pastor." Neither visit was particularly long, but both were very much appreciated. All of the visits had stories of pain. Family estrangements, fear of death, longing for death, hanging on to life in hopes of reconciliation.
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I consider it a great honor to be allowed to accompany people on their journeys. I see sides of them that others don't get to see. I hear of pain that is carefully hidden from others. I have two people who are near death. Administrative Assistant and I have both said that we are willing to come in during our vacation between Christmas and New Year's if either of them dies. It would be a blessing if one of the deaths came sooner than that. The other would be better later, because the same caregiver is responsible for both of them. She does have limits, and the stress is taking a toll. If you count the time with her as we drove between the two women, that makes 5 pastoral visits today. A full and rewarding day.

An Apology and a Pleasant Evening

Daughter called this afternoon. "Hi, Mama."
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"Oh, I'm your mother again."
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Silence. More silence.
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"Okay, last night was bad. I'm sorry."
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She invited me to the party, provided I didn't embarrass her. I dutifully showed up a few minutes after the party started at 5:00. She wasn't there. The car transporting her home from program broke down. They'd sent someone to rescue her and the others. I talked to the house manager, who said Daughter seems to be adjusting well, and always greets her warmly.
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Finally someone told me Daughter was dropping off her things and coming. (The party was at the men's house next door). She said Daughter was pretty upset. I told her I had figured she would be. When she finally came in, she was glad to see me and hugged me (in public). She was upset because someone who used to be in her program and is rather exuberant, to say the least was there. We got our food, and went back over to her house. We sat and ate together and chatted. It was pleasant. She was not happy when I mentioned I might not make the traditional egg casserole for Christmas morning, since we'll have to head out to worship, so I said I'd make it. I guess she likes that tradition more than I knew.
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I left her and went to the warehouse store, and got home a little while ago. I think I was possessed by my mother while I was there, because I ended up buying more Christmas decorations. Now I'm going to go put them up.

Two Nights in a Row

Daughter hung up on me again this evening. Tonight she was mad because I won't let her move back here. I told her I look forward to her visits and to spending time with her, but she's not going to live here. She said, "Then you're not my mother. Good-bye." She then hung up the phone.
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I talked to a staff member earlier in the evening, who was calling to figure out the carbs on the pizza they were having for supper. I asked her how she thought things were going, and she said Daughter hasn't been happy recently, but isn't willing to talk about what is bothering her.
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I tried to get her thinking about goals for the coming year, and asked her about getting a job. She wasn't very enthusiastic about the idea. There is a party tomorrow night, but she has said she doesn't want me to attend. I told her to let me know if she changed her mind.
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I'm sorry she's having a hard time right now, but she's going to have to work through it. I'm not going to rescue her. I'm not going to bring her back here and have to live with her drama. It's a lot easier not to get hooked when the drama is limited to a phone call or two each day. I'm enjoying the empty nest.

Missed Call

I missed Daughter's call this morning, but in her message she was happy and upbeat. Her storms come up quickly and blow over quickly. Staff gets to go home at the end of their shifts, which makes it easier for them to deal with it. It's much easier for me to deal with her when it's just phone calls once or twice a day. Of course, when she calls back tonight, it may be another storm. I should have saved the voice mail so I could go back and hear her happy after the frustrating calls....
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"You're Too Much of a Minister!"

Daughter called while I was at the church waiting for the budget meeting. She was mad. She didn't have enough carbs in her lunch today, so she wanted the responsible staff member to be fired. She saw it as proof that she isn't safe there. I reminded her that she has a voice and she can keep herself safe. I suggested she check the carbs in her lunch before she leaves in the morning and help staff figure out what she needs to bring it up to the appropriate amount of carbs. She was growing increasingly frustrated as I calmly suggested ways to deal with the issue. Finally she shouted, "You're too much of a minister!" and hung up on me. She probably wouldn't be happy if I told her I took that as a compliment.
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The budget meeting went very well tonight. People were very willing to make cuts to their budgets. We ended up with a budget that will work and it only took an hour. The biggest problem was that people don't understand the budget. We will be working on that in January, and hopefully next year they will come to the meeting with a better understanding of how things work.
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Dragging

I was in bed at 6:00 yesterday evening, and after 12 hours of sleep, I'm still dragging today. Tonight we meet to finalize the budget for 2012. Our stewardship campaign resulted in a nice increase in pledges, but we did a challenge budget, so we will have to do some cutting to balance the budget for next year. I think I'll go home and get a nap before the meeting-- it could be interesting and I will need to be at my best. In the past, the treasurer has taken recommendations to the finance committee. The finance committee has sent his recommendations to the board, and the board has approved those recommendations. I discovered this year that the treasurer and administrative assistant are the only ones who really understand the budget.
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This year, the committee leaders will meet to negotiate the cuts that need to be made with the finance committee. In January, the treasurer will go in and meet with each committee to explain their budget to them. The committee leaders will get reports on their line item budgets every month. It's part of communicating and equipping leaders, two of our priorities for this year.
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I'm beginning to make changes in the way things are done. For the most part, the congregation has been open to them. I don't generally think of administration as one of my strengths, but as I look at the changes I've made this year, I'm reassessing my perception of my strengths. We have made a number of changes to reduce costs and increase efficiency in the office. There will be more changes coming.
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We are moving forward as a congregation, and I am moving forward as an empty nester. I'm excited to see what the coming year will bring us.

A Movie

I took Daughter to see a movie this afternoon. It is obvious that she is struggling right now. She doesn't know what she wants. I asked what goals she had for our upcoming meeting to set her case plan for the year. She wants to get her own place. I don't know if she understands how much she has to do before we can even talk about her living independently. I tried to engage her in a conversation about it, but she didn't want to talk about it. She was less offensive today, but I didn't feel like I connected with her.
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I'm supposed to be headed to a party with colleagues right now, but I don't know if I'm going to make it. I'm sticking pretty close to the bathroom. I may just curl up and go to sleep. This is going to be a very busy week,and getting some extra rest before I jump into it might be a good idea.

Phone Calls

Daughter has called twice today. The first time she got mad and hung up on me, because I called er out on her treatment of me. She called and apologized a few minutes later. I told her if she was nice to me tomorrow, I'd take her to see a movie after church. I'm not going to bring her to the house.
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I think she's struggling with the reality of the move. She's struggling to find new goals. We have the team meeting to come up with the plan and goals for the coming year on the 19th. I think it will be essential to come up with some realistic goals that she can achieve and that will move her forward. Maybe we can get her into a job training program or something. She needs something to look forward to. She needs hope and a goal.

Daughter's Request

Daughter called yesterday evening. She sounded down. She didn't apologize, but she didn't complain either. She asked if I could come get her today. I was surprised, and pointed out that she's miserable when she's here. She said, "Mom, I'm miserable every where I am right now."
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I refused to pick her up today, but told her that if she did well Sunday morning, we'd do something fun before I take her back. I'm thinking I might take her to a movie. I have a Christmas party tomorrow, and need to see what time that is before I make my final decision.
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While I wish she had apologized, I'm pleased that she made a straight forward request rather than seeking to manipulate me. We'll see how she does tomorrow, and what today's phone call brings....

A Productive Morning

It's been a productive morning. It's not even 10:00, but I've made a batch of sausage balls, shoveled the snow off the driveway, been to the store, and completed a batch of cookies. I've also given Daughter something to think about. I had to call her a couple of times before she got up, and when I hadn't heard anything from her for about 30 minutes, I asked if she was about ready. She went off, telling me I needed to be more patient.
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When she came into the kitchen, her favorite breakfast was waiting for her, as well as one of her favorites from the freezer for lunch. She obviously wasn't happy. As she got ready to leave, I said, "If you're so unhappy here, you don't have to come here." She stopped and just stared at me. She finally said, "Then we'll have to go to court."
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"I'll still be your mom. I still love you."
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"That's not what you're saying."
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"You just seem so unhappy when you come here, I want you to know you don't have to come if you don't want to."
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I don't know what she'll do with that. I suspect her story will be that I'm getting rid of her. Hopefully people will check with me before they jump to conclusions. It will be interesting to see if she calls to apologize tonight or refuses to call because she's mad at me.
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Now my break is over and it's back to the baking. I have Christmas music on, and I'm enjoying the time baking and puttering in the kitchen.

Foiled Again

Daughter came in and saw me making burritos for supper. She announced she couldn't eat them. I just ignored her and continued what I was doing. She started yelling at me to leave her alone and get off her back. I pointed out she was the only one talking. I put her burrito in front of her at the table. She pushed it away. I sat down, said a silent prayer, and began to eat. She decided she'd eat.
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Still seeking a reaction, she told me I needed to take her to the psych unit right away. I asked what was going on, and she informed me that Birth Brother is coming to see her Saturday. She told me Therapist wanted her to call me and tell me right away, but she couldn't. She said he contacted her on facebook. I asked to see the message. She searched high and low, but the only thing she could come up with was a message from him on the 3rd saying hopefully he'd see her some day. She said she must have misunderstood.
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She's now at choir. Tomorrow morning the bus will pick her up at 6:30. Sunday she won't be at the house. I'll pick her up at 7:30 and bring her to the church. After church, we'll grab lunch and I'll take her back. Then I'll go to a party with my colleagues. Her time with me at Christmas is shrinking rapidly....

Blue Christmas

Last night we had a Blue Christmas service. This service is for those who find the holidays difficult for whatever reason. This is the first time I did it here, but I have led them a number of times over the years.
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Daughter called yesterday evening. She had ended up going to program yesterday. She was back on her, "I need a break," mantra. When she found out that the Blue Christmas service was last night, she insisted she always had liked that service and needed to attend. She was not pleased when I refused to go get her for the service. I told her I was looking forward to seeing her tonight for choir.
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I think she is settling in nicely. She is calling less frequently, and is not working as hard to hook me. It looks like she figured out I'm not going to buy into her drama.
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I was supposed to go to a seminar today, but the speaker had to cancel due to illness, so I have received the gift of a day. Administrative Assistant took vacation day today, so I've been dealing with the office. I've had a steady stream of visitors and phone calls this morning. They've been good interruptions. Two men gathered up the toys the congregation donated to deliver them to the appropriate agency. Plans are being made to begin painting the fellowship hall at the beginning of January, and the enthusiasm for the project and its size are growing steadily. The two medical social workers in the congregation are collaborating on a program about issues of aging, and we had to coordinate possible dates and structure of the program. The treasurer and I had an extended conversation about the budget and why I want to change the process for finalizing it. The nursing home where we lead worship once a month delivered a thank you poinsettia. I offered suggestions to a man wanting to strengthen his small group. I've managed to write a one paragraph newsletter article in between the ministry opportunities (none of which were planned).

I'm hoping things will calm down this afternoon so I can get the sermon finalized. I want to spend tomorrow and Saturday on cleaning, decorating, and baking for the open house on the 18th. I don't know if I've said it recently, but I love my life!

Making Decisions

I had two phone calls yesterday evening from Daughter. They were happy calls, which was nice. In the first call, she told me she was going to get to go to jazz night with her home. She was very excited about it. I told her I looked forward to hearing all about it.
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She called when she got back. She was still happy, though she'd been disappointed because jazz night wasn't what she'd expected. She asked for permission not to go to her program today. I started to tell her she had to go, but then I caught myself. "I trust you to make the right decision. I remind you, though, that when you don't go to your program you call me and complain about being bored." She insisted she needed a day off. "I trust you to make the right decision."
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"You don't want me to call you complaining."
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"That's right."
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I had a call a little while ago from the home, checking to see if I'd told Daughter she didn't need to go to her program. I relayed our conversation. She's staying home. I told the staff member to remind Daughter that she said she wouldn't complain. I suspect it will be a long day, but it's not my problem.

Sleep Studies and Daughter's Frustration

I had a sleep study last night to determine pressure for a new cpap machine. I've used my cpap machine faithfully for over 6 years, so I guess it was time for a new one. After being trained on the new one this morning, I suspect the pressure on the old one had dropped over the years. If that's the case, my sleep should improve with the new machine.
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It took two nights at the sleep center to determine that I still need the pressure set at 13. I asked the technician if people commonly needed the same pressure on repeat studies. She said that unless there has been a lot of weight loss or some other change, the pressure rarely changes more than 1. It seems like a pretty expensive way to find out there hasn't been a change. The first night was over $1,000.
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Daughter called yesterday evening. She was mad because there was a man visiting. She told the staff that she was uncomfortable, but they wouldn't make him leave. I informed her that she was going to have to learn to deal with men visiting, and if it made her uncomfortable, she should remove herself from the situation by going to her room or the loft area. She didn't like that, so she informed me she would see me Sunday and hung up on me. She hasn't called today. Her frustration at her inability to hook me has been growing. It will be interesting to see how long it takes for her to call, and if she'll continue trying to hook me. For now, I'm enjoying a break. I suspect she'll end up coming Thursday night for choir, but if she doesn't, that's fine, too.

Let Us Know How that Works out for You

I took Daughter to her program this morning. She was not happy about being there. Program Manager and I were speculating on how long it would be before she called her house to come get her, and how many times they'd do that before they'd catch on. PM sent out an email to the team a little while ago passing on Daughter's request to quit her program and stay home all day with her friends. I pointed out that that was interesting, since Saturday she wanted me to go get her because it is too boring at her house when she doesn't have program. She will change her mind many more times before the team meeting on the 19th.
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It's nice to watch her drama from the outside. Yesterday she kept dropping little tidbits, trying to get a reaction out of me. It didn't work, but she tried. She tried to convince me that the home is messing up her medication and her diet. She made comments about safety related issues. She claimed she was attacked by a staff member. The comments kept getting more outrageous, and I'm sure she was frustrated by my lack of response.
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I'm sure she'll take back some wonderful stories about her time with me to the home. Some of them are beginning to figure her out, others will take longer.

Sunday Snapshots

I was running a little late this morning, and when I went down to get Daughter, she was just getting her meds in preparation for breakfast. I informed her she didn't have time to eat. I grabbed her meds, she grabbed her suitcase and we headed to the church. When we got there she was pouting because I obviously didn't understand that she is a diabetic and needs to eat. I gave her some peanut butter crackers. She threw them across the study. I put them away.
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I have a note book that contains all the liturgy for the day. When the lay leader started reading an introduction, I realized she was reading last week's material. I left to get this week's, and it had vanished. I had printed it out and punched holes in it, I have no idea where it is. I printed out a new set and got back to the sanctuary before she needed the next item. Fortunately, the congregation thought it was funny.
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Daughter was happy and pleasant around the church members, but as soon as we got in the car and headed out to lunch, she was mean again. When we got home, she went in to take a nap. I finally woke her up, telling her we needed to go get the insulin we'd left in the refrigerator at her house, but first I wanted her to do some work in her room. She had dumped a bunch of stuff on the floor. I brought up a box, and began putting clean clothes in it to take back to her house. She told me to get out of her room, she'd made the mess and it was her responsibility. I got out. She started yelling that she couldn't do it alone. I went back in. She kicked me out.
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I got the cable to hook up the DVD/VCR player Sister gave us Thanksgiving. It had been Dad's. In fact, I think I'm the one who bought it for Mom and Dad. We headed back to her house with the box and the cables to hook things up and get her insulin. She was surly until we got there, and then she got all nice and sweet in front of the people at the house.
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When we got back into the car, I called her on the behavior, pointing out she was mean to me when we're alone, but nice when there are other people around.
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For supper I'd prepared some of her favorite foods. She asked for things she knew she couldn't have, and complained about portion sizes.
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We had a Christmas concert at the church tonight, and Daughter was singing in the choir. When we got back to the church, she was cheerful. She came and found me alone and started talking about needing her meter because she thought she was going low. I just looked at her. She stormed off.
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The concert was wonderful. It featured our choir, bell choir, and a brass quintet. There was food following it. Both the choirs did a fantastic job. We have a large percentage of the congregation that is involved in choir. We are blessed with a gifted director.
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After the concert she started being super sweet to me. I started calling her on it, loudly. "You've been mean to me all day, and now you've decided to be nice?" She was embarrassed. I've decided that's what I'm going to tell her she's being mean when she starts pulling this stuff. Will it help? Maybe for a while.
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I am very aware of how exhausting it is to be alone with her. It's torture, listening to her complain about everything. I'm going to minimize time she spends at home until she can start showing me some respect. She's spending the night tonight, and then I'll take her to her program tomorrow morning. She'll go back to her house from there. I won't see her again until Thursday evening.

Suspicious and a Party

Daughter called while I was in a shower getting ready for last night's Christmas party. She reached me after I got out, and demanded to know why I hadn't answered the earlier call.
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"I was in the shower."
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"It's early. Why were you in the shower?"
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"Because I wanted to take a shower."
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"But why were you in the shower?"
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"Aren't I allowed to take a shower?"
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"It's an unusual time for you to take a shower."
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"Aren't I allowed to take a shower at an unusual time?"
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The conversation continued along that vein. She was very suspicious. I wasn't going to tell her I was on my way to a party, because she'd have wanted to go. She doesn't need to know everything I do.
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The party was wonderful. The local college football team had a game last night, so there was a TV on in the sun room. Somehow all the seats in there were quickly filled with men wearing the school's colors. I figured we'd be able to keep track of the game from the noise coming out of there, so I was surprised when I went to check on the game to discover that there had been lots of scoring and the men hadn't reacted. Even worse, the local team was losing. "Why aren't you cheering them on? Maybe if you cheered, they'd do better?" One of them informed me that not only had the TV been muted, they had too. Another pointed out that the team wouldn't be able to hear them. A third speculated on the relationship between cheering and praying. They did begin to get louder, and the women, who were standing in the background watching over their heads, began to plot to take over their seats when they got up at halftime. The host announced the countdown to halftime, much as it is announced in the concession stand. Someone requested that the traditional carol singing take place at halftime. Someone else wondered if it could include the fight song. Several requested that the carols be sung quickly, and only one verse of each. We did sing at halftime, though not the fight song. It was a wonderful evening, and I enjoyed it much more this year, without Daughter trying to convince me she was suffering so much I had to take her home immediately.

A Peaceful Saturday

I slept in today. It was nice. Daughter called. She sounded better this morning. I refused to go get her, of course, but I gave her something to look forward to when we're together tomorrow. She was happy when I said good bye. Kitten seems happier today, too. She's not scratching as much, so it seems the bath helped with her flea problem. Hopefully it will help for a while.
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I went for a walk with one of the members this morning. It was a nice walk, but my feet were cold and wet by the time I got home. The heavy snow took down a number of trees in the park, most of which had not been cleared from the trail yet.
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I'm going to finish the sermon and do some work in the kitchen, and then I'll shower and get ready for a Christmas party this evening. Daughter doesn't know I'm going to a Christmas party this evening. Last year I took her. She made it very difficult for me to enjoy myself. Very difficult. This year I get to enjoy myself. I'm looking forward to it. I have a Christmas party next weekend, too. She won't be going to that one, either. I tried to convince her she didn't want to be here for my open house, but so far that's not working.

Honeymoon's Over

Daughter had a major cussing, screaming blow out at supper tonight. I got a call about it from one of the staff members. She wondered if I'd talk to Daughter when she was willing to talk. I was out to supper at the time, so I told her to have Daughter call me, but to wait an hour. I said it would just aggravate things if she heard me out in a noisy restaurant having fun.
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Daughter tried to tell me she had to do what she did. I told her it wasn't acceptable behavior, and she needed to figure out better ways of dealing with things. She wanted me to come get her, insisting she was either moving home or living on the streets. I finally told her to take the cat Administrative Assistant made her, wrap herself in Grandma's quilt, and put her favorite Christian music on her ipod. I told her the quilt would be like Grandma and me hugging her, the cat would remind her of Kitten, and the music would remind her of God, and all of us loved her.
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I told the staff member to write up what happened, so the team could talk about strategies for dealing with the behaviors. I'm not surprised, and I'm very grateful that I'm no longer the target of these explosions.

They'll Learn

Daughter was in a bad mood when she got to program today. She decided she didn't want to participate in any of the activities, so she called her group home and asked them to come get her. They did. Program Manager said she thought about giving them a head's up, but since Daughter was being mean, she decided they could have her. PM and I figure they'll learn eventually. It's interesting, though, that she's not calling me anymore when she wants to be rescued. For that, I am grateful.
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It's been a busy day. Kitten got a flea bath. She didn't like it, for some reason. I'm I'm hoping the bath and the spray and powder I'm spreading around the house will get rid of the fleas. I received an invitation to go out to eat with some members this evening. I accepted. Tomorrow I'm going for a walk with the woman who used to take Daughter for walks on Saturday mornings. I hear rumors that she has some challenges in her life right now, so I'm hoping her invitation to walk will lead to an opening to talk about he challenges. It's always a challenge to figure out a way to address situations I'm not supposed to know about. I made a trip to the warehouse store today, and got some of the things I need to begin making the specialities people have requested for my open house in 2 weeks. All in all, it's been a good day.

More Joy

I was with colleagues today. One commented that I seemed taller. Another said I just am more joyful. I agree. My devotional reading this week has been focusing on Advent as a time when the church is pregnant, ready to give birth to something new. That has been a helpful image to me. I am giving birth to a new way of life, feeling my way through this on the way to something much fuller and healthier. It's an exciting time, and I'm looking forward to all that the future will bring for Daughter and me. I hope something new is being born in all of you this Advent as well.

No Easing Into It

We certainly didn't ease into winter this year. A couple of men came by and offered to clear my driveway for $15. I took them up on the offer, and after they finished, I headed into the office. I was amazed, because the main road at the corner had not been plowed. It was a mess. The signal lights were plastered with snow, with a little bit of the light showing at the top. If I'd known how bad the road was going to be, I would have stayed home.
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The church parking lot had been plowed-- twice I was told. It seems the company we cancelled after last year is trying to keep the job. One of the reasons we didn't renew with them is that we had heard various stories of unethical dealings by them. One of our men came over and cleared the walks for us. I had been prepared to clear the sidewalk when I got there, as I often did last winter.
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Daughter called several times. The third time she wanted me to come get her because she was bored and needed to get out of there. I refused, of course, and again expressed confidence in her ability to figure things out. I haven't heard from her since.
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It has been a productive week, which is good, since tomorrow I'm off to an all day workshop. Of course, I've figured out Christmas Eve worship but don't have a sermon for this Sunday. Minor details.

Snow

The snow on my picnic table is 13" deep. I went out and measured it this morning. All the area schools are closed. Supposedly at 9:00 things are going to be miraculously better because the temperature will be above freezing. That means the temperature needs to go up at least 7 degrees in the next 20 minutes. Seems unlikely to me. I called Administrative Assistant and instructed her not to try to be in the office by 9:00. She protested a bit, but I pointed out that this is why we work ahead.

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It is a wet, heavy snow, so I really don't want to try to shovel it out of my driveway. I'm hoping that that the weather forecasters are correct and it will melt away quickly this morning. I'm a little skeptical, though. Daughter was cheerful when she called this morning. It was nice to get a happy call from her for a change. I think I'm going to make an effort to make our conversations longer when she's happy and cut them off when she's telling me how terrible life is. It might work, but it will take her a while to figure it out. Cause and effect is not her strong suit, to say the least.

Action

Daughter was supposed to have an appointment with Psychiatrist tomorrow, but it was cancelled. Case Manager sent an email to the entire team, which prompted a series of emails. Daughter complained to Program Manager about how the home was out of one of her mood stabilizers and they have had problems getting her prescriptions in a timely manner. Home Manager complained about the new pharmacy. I chimed in and said I'd gone to the local pharmacy to get a prescription filled over the weekend since the agency pharmacy said my insurance wouldn't cover one of her meds. I said the medication issues were damaging Daughter's sense of safety at her placement.
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Nurse was in on the emails, and was outraged. She marched down the hall to the pharmacy, and informed them of how things would be. When a house orders a medication, it is to be filled and delivered that day. She is going to further investigate, and has promised to get to the bottom of it and see that it doesn't happen again. I believe her.
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On the health front, I had a rough night and morning. Beginning to eat yesterday started up the intestinal misery again. I went into the office today, but I cancelled appointments away from the church, and didn't move around much. Administrative Assistant came to me, I didn't go to her.
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Things are going well at the church. It looks like the results of the stewardship drive will be good. We aren't going to meet the challenge budget, but given the current state of the economy, we are delighted to see a healthy increase in giving, including a number of new pledges. The new board members were at last night's board meeting. They are a good group of people, and I'm looking forward to working with them. Almost all of them are serving on the board for the first time, which is good.
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We were looking for the large manger the church has to put it in the spiritual house we built this fall. A couple of the board members knew exactly where it was this fall, but it has mysteriously vanished. One of them came back and looked some more today, and when he couldn't locate it, he went home and built a new one.
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We have ordered a new phone system. We have one that was used when it was installed a number of years ago. It is not digital, and we can't change the programming on it. It takes forever to get to voice mail on it. The new one will enable us to use caller ID and will have many nice features, including a cordless phone for when we're out of the office doing things elsewhere in the building.
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We will also be adding some insulation before the end of the year, which should solve a problem we've been having with ice dams. This summer we're going to host a traveling day camp run by the church camp Daughter attended last summer. We're very excited about this opportunity to reach out to the children in our community. We have a number of members who mentor children in the elementary school, so we will invite those children and offer them scholarships to attend.
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I came home this afternoon and brought the Christmas tree upstairs. It is up and ready for ornaments. I may add those later this evening, or I may wait until tomorrow. I did the outside decorations on Saturday. Sunday and Monday were lost, but my goal is to do something every day. I'm doing a Christmas open house on December 18th, so I need to begin getting ready for it.

Reports

So yesterday afternoon I got teary call from Daughter. She wasn't doing any of the activities at her program. She wanted out of it. She was going to tell her house to pull her out.
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A few minutes later I got a text from Program Manager: "Your daughter is in excellent spirits."
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Last night I was in a board meeting and she called on my cell phone. I answered, because sometimes it is staff calling, and I need to be available to them. When I heard Daughter, who was quite distressed, I said, "I'm in a meeting and can't talk. Call me after 8:30. I love you." And I hung up.
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A woman on the board commented, "She was very happy when I saw her at the mall this morning."
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A man chimed in, "She was happy when I saw her this afternoon at the bowling alley."
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When I called her back after my meeting, she was asleep. She called this morning. They have run out of another one of her mood stabilizers. I did manage to get her laughing before we hung ended our conversation. I am grateful for all the reports I receive that she is doing well. It makes it easier for me to ignore her drama.

A Lost Day

I lost yesterday. I had a stomach bug. I'll spare you the details. Somehow I made it through worship. I then took Daughter back to her home, driving through to pick her up a hamburger on the way, and then I came home and collapsed on the couch, wrapped in a comforter. I made frequent trips to the bathroom and sipped some water occasionally. Around 7:00 I rallied enough to call a friend and ask her to bring me some ginger ale. She works as a nurse in a doctor's office. She told me there is a stomach bug going around that lasts for several days. That was not good news. Around 10:00 I had a piece of toast and went to bed.
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Sometime yesterday afternoon I had a call from the home. Daughter wanted to go to urgent care. She had a red spot on her back that was itching. I said, "Absolutely not! She's upset because I'm sick. Tell her you're sorry she has a red spot that itches. Tell her I said to wipe it off with an alcohol prep and that will help the itching."
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Daughter called in the evening. She really wanted to be at home taking care of me. All that would have done is added to my stress. When I get sick, it's very hard on her. She panics.
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This morning I'm feeling better. I had some chicken noodle soup for breakfast, and came in a little late. I'll probably go home and take a nap this afternoon, since I have a board meeting tonight. Hopefully by tomorrow I'll be fully recovered.

The Day After

Daughter called early this morning, chipper and apologetic right up until the moment I told her I'd pick her up at 7:30 tomorrow morning for church, but I wouldn't come get her today. She was disappointed.
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I was at the church this morning to help put up the tree and get the decorations out for the hanging of the greens tomorrow. Sister Best Friend and her mom came for lunch to day. I tried a new dish on them. I'm doing Christmas, and since Sister and Short Niece are now gluten and dairy free, some of our traditional Christmas dishes aren't going to work.
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Daughter called about noon, disappointed she'd miss seeing Sister Best Friend, but happy because she'd been to a movie this morning. I am so much more relaxed with Daughter out of the house. It's nice to cook with the pantries unlocked.
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I'll take Daughter out to lunch tomorrow after church tomorrow, and then straight back. I won't have to lock things up again until she spends the night Thursday. I came home last night after dropping her off, and didn't miss her as I thought I would. It was just a huge relief to be alone again.
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Medication

At my first word this morning, Daughter exploded. In one of her rational moments today, she said, "I can't even control myself."
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She has been out of one of her medications for almost a week. It's med that shouldn't be stopped suddenly. She is taking it for seizures, but it is also an add on treatment for bipolar. I looked it up.
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The pharmacy that her home uses says my insurance won't cover it. They've been covering it at the pharmacy at the corner for over a year. I just sent a refill request to the local pharmacy. I'll pick it up in a couple of hours. Daughter was demanding to go back to the home, "where they really care about her." I'm going to honor her request. Of course, now that I'm going to take her back, she doesn't want to go back. I'm taking her back anyway. I have rights, including the right to feel safe in my own home.
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I have a cake in the oven. When it comes out and I think the pharmacy has had enough time to fill the prescription, I'll take her back. She is currently crying quite noisily and dramatically because she doesn't want to go back. I'm not crying yet, but my heart is breaking, and it will be very hard to take her there and leave her without shedding a few tears.

Thanksgiving with Family

We had a wonderful Thanksgiving with Sister, Brother, Sister-in-law, Baby Nephew, and Brother's in-laws. Baby Nephew is the happiest, most easy-going baby I think I've ever met. He hadn't seen me in 2 months, but he smiled and reached out to me when we arrive, and then snuggled into hug me. He is 8 months old now, and wants to walk. He will hold tight to your fingers and walk all over the house. He also loves music and dancing. He brought much joy to all of us.
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The food was fantastic. Brother is a great cook. Sister was happy to get a text from her ex saying Short Niece wanted to go home that evening, so we took our pie to go so we could be back to Sister's by 8:00. That gave us the bonus of an opportunity to see Short Niece, who will be 7 later this month. She was very excited to see us, and was climbing all over Daughter.
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We got home about 10:00 last night. Daughter was furious because I hadn't made her bed. I told her I wasn't the one who wet it, so I wasn't going to be the one to make it. She yelled and threatened, then made it without the mattress protector. I informed her that wasn't acceptable. More yelling and threats, and then she tore the bed about and asked if I'd please help her put the mattress protectors back on. I did.
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I wasn't surprised that she wet the bed again last night. She doesn't wet the bed at the group home, of course. She saves that for me. When she came out this morning I was in the process of making her favorite breakfast: sausage gravy and biscuits. I asked if she'd wet the bed, and she acknowledged she had. I said, "Get your linens in the washing machine." That set her off. "I wish people would get off me about my bed wetting!"
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She apologized, but if she continues like this, she'll be going back before Sunday. I've had to lock everything up again. I like the peace and the freedom of life with her at the group home.

Another Medication Issue and Thanksgiving

Daughter called several times yesterday. She wanted to come home immediately. She was definitely on edge. The last time she called, she said she'd just exploded and was afraid she was going to explode again. I asked if she still had her patch on. She got mad and told me she didn't know and couldn't tell. I asked her to give the phone to a staff member.
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The staff member was very apologetic, saying she didn't know what had set her off. I told her I didn't think this was about anything that happened and asked her to check Daughter's back for a patch. She did and there wasn't a patch. I told her to get a new one on her and wished her luck. I think that staff member will remember to check for the patch....
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I am very thankful that we have found a placement for Daughter that seems to be working.
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I'll be picking Daughter up in 4 hours. We'll pick up Sister, and then head to Brother's. I made cranberry relish last night for my contribution. I love cranberry relish. Brother, who lives in a very small house, had invited over 20 people. Sister and I were relieved to hear there will only be about a dozen people there.
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Sister will be missing Short Niece, who will be with her dad. It's the first Thanksgiving since Sister moved out (more than 7 years after the break in the marriage-- it's a long and complicated story). Sister was very grateful that I was willing to come pick her up and take her to Thanksgiving. We'll make it fun. How can it be anything but fun with Baby Nephew there?
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I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Good Phone Calls

Yesterday evening when Daughter called, she wasn't crying or angry. She has asked about participating in more of the activities and outings there. One of the staff members had done her laundry for her (which she hadn't done since she moved in). She asked me if she could go home early on Saturday, because she wants to go to the movie with her group. Yes, she called that place home.
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What's the difference? I think she is seeing the impact of the training I did. The staff is now calling me with questions about Daughter's care. I know part of it is they are testing my assurance that they can call me any time. I'm making sure I am patient and gracious when they call. I think once they become more comfortable with things, the calls will slow down.
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I also suspect Daughter wasn't getting enough of her anti-psychotic. Yesterday I wrote about how important it is to her. When the home transferred her prescriptions to their pharmacy, it filled 2 different strengths. I suspect that part of the time she was getting the lower strength pill. That left her doing more cycling and much more volatile. I suggested to one of the staff members that they take the lower strength pills out of her med box so no one gives it to her by mistake.
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I have had two very productive days in the office, even with a steady stream of visitors. I've been reading a book, something I seldom do. My stress level has gone way down. I am more relaxed, and as a result, more productive. I'm sleeping better and longer at night.
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I will have much to be thankful for as we celebrate Thanksgiving tomorrow.

A Rant

This morning I read an article critical of the number of foster children who are on anti-psychotics. I found it interesting that the problem was that the children were being placed on drugs, not that they might need the medication.
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Daughter started on anti-psychotics at age 8. It was a very hard thing to do. I resisted it, and wasn't sure I was making the right decision until I saw the impact that the medication had on her. She has severe PTSD. She was having psychotic flashbacks. She was terrified of the bathroom and of bed. It reached the point where she wouldn't go into the bathroom without me. She refused to take baths, and the only way I could get her to shower was if she was with me and I was standing between Daughter and the drain. She was convinced that her brothers were waiting in the drain and were going to pull her down.
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She had moved throughout the house looking for a safe place to sleep. She tried her bedroom, the guest room, my closet, my floor, my bed, and had she had reached the point that the only way she could sleep was if she was in full body contact with me. She was a big girl, and she was sleeping on top of me.
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It was a major battle every morning to get her to school, because she didn't feel safe in her classroom. She was convinced there were snakes living in her desk, and she was afraid of the boys in her classroom. I could tell that she was hearing voices, too. Her therapist convinced me to take her to a psychiatrist, who prescribed an anti-psychotic. They assured me that the medication would make things easier.
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Within a day or so, she showered without me. It wasn't until I took my first shower alone that I realized how exhausting it had been for me. When I saw her quick improvement I knew I had made the right decision. She has been on anti-psychotic ever since-- 16 years now. She's been through a number of different medications. A medication will work for a while, and then the voices and hallucinations will start again.
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So I find myself wondering how many of those foster kids who are on anti-psychotics have issues similar to Daughter's. Would it have been better to refuse to put her on medication and let her struggle with vivid flashbacks? Should I have left her afraid to go to the bathroom or sleep? There are probably some of those children who don't need the medication. I would prefer, though, that rather than defining the problem as the fact so many kids are on medication that we define the problem as the fact that some of these children are so damaged they need medication.

A Fresh Approach

Since anger didn't work last night, Daughter tried sobbing this morning. She called, and she was crying so hard she was having trouble talking. She claimed she was having flashbacks. I told her I was sorry she was having a bad morning, and maybe her counselor could give her some ideas about how to deal with it when she sees her this afternoon. She informed me she was already listening to her music and it wasn't helping. I suggested she try dancing. She didn't like that idea. I told her I had confidence in her ability to work through it and that I love her. Then I told her goodbye.
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It's much easier not to get sucked into her drama when she doesn't live with me. Much easier.

Tonight's Phone Call

Daughter called when I was in a meeting. I told her I was in a meeting and to call back in an hour. She did. "They're trying to control my diet! They told me I had to choose a sandwich or a microwave dinner." I told her I thought it was wonderful that they gave her choices. She was threatening to call the cops on the staff. It wasn't possible to have a rational conversation with her tonight. I hung up grateful that she's living there.

The In-Service

We trained the staff about Daughter's needs today. I started with her emotional needs, and how important it is for her to feel safe. I explained her hyper-vigilance, and how she picked up on everything. I told them that she believes she is too much work and staff is quitting because of her and that it's her fault that they are short of staff. I also explained why she needs to continue in her program for now.
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Then we talked about diabetes. I contradicted the dietitian several times, and I prevailed. The diabetic diet used to be based on exchanges, which were approximations. Daughter's diet is based on a strict counting of the grams of carbohydrate in her meals. Her insulin is figured based on her blood sugar and the carbs she is eating.
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I was pleased with what got communicated, but not so thrilled with how passive most of the staff was. I think there are some problems in the staff. I hope that the new manager is able to get a handle on things soon.
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Daughter wanted me to read them the riot act. I told her that wasn't necessary. I hope I'm right.

A Teary Phone Call

Daughter called with her standard tearful command, "You need to come get me now." After some complaints she finally said enough for me to figure out what had caused her such distress. The other diabetic at the house had a low blood sugar-- it dropped to 15, and they had called 911. Daughter was terrified. So we had a long conversation. I assured her that she knows how to keep herself safe and that wouldn't happen to her.
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I finally distracted her by asking her about the movie she went to see this evening with a church friend. Once she was focused on that, I reassured her again that she knows how to take care of her diabetes, and she could keep herself safe. She finally hung up when the ambulance arrived for the woman with the low blood sugar.

A Difference

Daughter was happy and cooperative this morning. We had a potluck after worship. I was sitting across from some friends, and she said, "You seem much more rested and relaxed since Daughter moved out."
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I think she's right. I took back right after church today. She was glad to get back. She was greeted warmly, and was planning to do her laundry. I then came home and unlocked the pantries and refrigerator and put the cable lock and keys in the drawer. It's wonderful not to have to wear the keys around my neck. It's wonderful to have the fruit out on the counter.
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I think my friend was right-- I am more rested and relaxed. I like it.

Football and Adjusting

I picked Daughter up this morning for the football game. I"ll take her back tomorrow after church. We really enjoyed the football game. It helped that our team won, of course.
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Daughter is all over the place right now. She claims she's not safe or respected there, and then she asks to go back early. I'm using my long time method of ignoring her as she rants. Unfortunately, some of her complaints are valid. They got lost on their way to pick her up yesterday, so they didn't pick her up. Apparently staff has told her they are pulling her out of her current program. The agreement was we wouldn't talk about that until she had settled in at the house, as change is so hard on her. She also thinks staff is quitting because of her. The diabetes stuff is still a challenge, and they aren't on top of all her medication. I'm waiting patiently until we get the staff trained on Monday. They will experience the wrath of Mama Bear if they don't get their act together after the training.

Thanksgiving

Sister has moved out from the house she shared with her ex-husband. Originally they were going to do holidays together this year for the sake of Short Niece, but this week he changed his mind and uninvited Sister to Thanksgiving. He has also claimed Short Niece for the day. So today Sister and I decided to join Brother and his in-laws for Thanksgiving. I'll pick Daughter and Sister up and take them.
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Originally I was going to join Sister Best Friend on Thanksgiving Day, and then Sister and Short Niece were coming here on Friday. Now we'll be together Thursday, so we'll have Friday to begin decorating the house for Christmas.
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Daughter doesn't know about the change in plans, so I'll tell her tomorrow. I think she'll be happy, because she'll get to see her youngest cousin.
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Tomorrow we're going to a football game at the university. That will be fun, though cold.

The First Overnight

Daughter was home last night for choir and spent the night. To say she was happy would be an understatement. It went pretty well. I was pleased to discover that they did get her anti psychotic filled, so she is taking it. They hadn't changed her patch, which was due to be changed on Monday. I changed it this morning.
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This is going to get easier, and in many ways it has gone more smoothly than I anticipated. I'm trying not to get uptight about things until after the training on Monday. If they still are messing up her diabetes after that, they'll hear from Mama Bear. For now, I'm going to enjoy the peace.

An Early Morning Call

Daughter called about 6:30 this morning. She was happy. She was excited about coming home, and she apologized for yesterday evening's call. I was relieved.
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That was the first of several phone calls I received before 8:00 this morning. In addition to Daughter, I have two other very needy women in my life right now. Supporting them without getting sucked in and dealing with the demands of ministry has been challenging.
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I'm looking forward to a spending time with Daughter this evening. This morning I suggested she take her bear hug sweatshirt back with her. I bought that so she could wear it when I'm not around to hug her. She thought that was a good idea. I was pleased to hear her acknowledge she'll be going back. This will work, it will just take time.

Problems

Daughter called before lunch today. The home hadn't given her the carb content for her lunch, and they needed to know it for insulin. I asked what she had in her lunch. She told me she had a container of yogurt which was 35 grams of carb, a ham sandwich, and cheese crackers. Somehow I think that was more than the 45 grams of carb she is supposed to have for lunch. I asked about her blood sugar. It was high, so they messed up breakfast, too. I wasn't thrilled, but I told her how much insulin to take and went back to my peer group.
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This evening I got a call from a staff member. Daughter was having a meltdown and had been trying to call me but was messing up the number so couldn't get through. She put Daughter on the phone. She was sobbing. She wanted to come home immediately. She wasn't safe there. They want to pull her out of her program and send her someplace else. They were messing up her diabetes. I tried to offer reassurance and comfort. I was getting ready to lead Bible study, so going to her wasn't an option. I reminded her she'd be home tomorrow night. I told her to go get the stuffed cat Administrative Assistant made her and hug that and wrap herself in her favorite throw. She was still crying when we hung up.
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I think I'll send an email off tomorrow asking that if staff isn't going to follow the diet, they at least make sure they are keeping track of carbs. I know they haven't been trained yet, but they have a diet that tells them exactly what she should have and how many carbs are in it. They need to follow the menu.
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On my way home from Bible study I stopped at the store and bought some chocolate. This is hard.

Too Busy

I've been too busy the last day or so to miss Daughter-- or to post, apparently. I had a brief conversation with her yesterday evening. She was crying and insisting she had to come home because she had a stomach ache. I offered sympathy, suggestions, assured her I had confidence in her ability to manage the situation, and told her I loved her and looked forward to seeing her Thursday evening. I was pulling into a retreat center for a peer group retreat at the time.
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I think she's adjusting well. The dietitian took the menu they are supposed to be using over to the home yesterday and delivered it. It has all the carbs on it and should make diabetes management much easier. It may help the other diabetic resident if they are using an appropriate menu.
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I'm off to breakfast now, and then a morning of content and reflection with my colleagues. Just wanted to post quickly so you'd know things are fine.

A Better Call

Daughter called right after the funeral (she tried to call during, but of course the ringer was off on my phone). She sounded happier, and she didn't try to convince me she didn't belong or I needed to come rescue her. I told her she should be grateful, as I had 2 meetings tonight and I wouldn't have to drag her with me.
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Even with losing 3 hours to a funeral and spending time on two extended conversations, I have had a fairly productive day. Now I'm headed home for supper, and then will be back for a round of evening meetings.
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I've also spent some time on emails regarding Daughter's diabetes situation. I now have the menus, and will be taking some time to look at them, probably this evening. I think I got their attention. Unfortunately, the training for staff won't be until a week from today. We'll figure it out eventually....

A Full Day

I'm hoping Daughter got a good night's sleep, and that her return to her program today will be reassuring to her. She called me in tears last night, homesick and wanting to come home. She said they didn't have anything for her lunch today. I assured her that they made lunches for others, and would have something she could take in her lunch.
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I'm going to be very busy today, with a funeral this afternoon and two meetings this evening in addition to all the Monday tasks. I think it will be good to be so busy. This is one of those days that dinner would have been on the table when Daughter got off the bus and we wouldn't have headed out the door to get back to the church as soon as we'd eaten. Now, Daughter will go home to dinner and time with her friends. In time, I think she will come to appreciate that. This is one of those weeks when I have commitments 4 evenings in a row (5 if you count the funeral home yesterday).
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I'm hoping that if Daughter does call this morning, she feels better because she's had a good night's sleep. I slept in an hour this morning-- until 6:30. It felt good. The bus picked Daughter up at 6:30, so I was always up by 5:45 at the very latest, but usually around 5:00. Since it's often 9:00 before I get home after evening commitments, it made for very long days for both of us. The move will enable both of us to get more sleep and have more down time.

"I'm all Mixed up"

I ended up taking Daughter back early today-- at her request. Part of the time she wanted to go back immediately, part of the time she wanted to stay with me forever. She said, "Mom, I'm just all mixed up." I assured her that was normal, and it would get easier as she adjusts.
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It was hard, dropping her off today. I'm sure in time I won't feel like crying when I pull away from her new home. I'm exhausted. I felt like I was off during worship this morning-- just not on top of things the way I like to be. I had to go see a family at the funeral home after I dropped off Daughter. I gave the family grief resources, and realized that I am grieving. I'm grieving as I face the reality of an empty nest. I'm also grieving as I let go of the dreams I had for Daughter. I didn't adopt her to grow up and live in a group home. Maybe I should read the book I give to grieving families....

Respect

Daughter knew I was picking her up at 7:30 this morning. The staff that does morning meds doesn't start work until 7:00. Daughter was not happy. She wanted things earlier, and apparently was very nasty with staff, threatening them with the wrath of mom. When I got there at 7:30, she had had her breakfast and was ready. She did not like the lecture I gave her in front of staff. I told her she had to relax and that she was to show staff respect. She accused me of dumping her on their doorstep and stormed out to the car. She sat in the backseat on the way here.
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I told her if she wanted to stay with me today, she needed to improve her attitude. She has decided she wants to go with me to the funeral home, which surprised me. It's going to be a busy day, and hopefully a good one.

The Roller Coaster Continues

Daughter called this morning, sounding good. She'd figured out the carbs on her meal. She said she'd slept well, "It almost felt like home." She was excited about going to a movie. That call came on my way to the meeting.
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During worship I got a call from a staff member asking about lunch at a fast food place. On the way home, Daughter called again. She wanted me to come get her. They didn't go to the movie she thought they were going to see. One of the women was disruptive in the van. She's not safe. I told her that I had confidence in her ability to keep herself safe. I suggested she watch some TV. She can't find her favorite channel. I suggested she ask staff, and promised to print out a channel guide for her. I told her it was natural that there would be some ups and downs as she adjusts to the move. I promised to pick her up in the morning. She wasn't thrilled, but I think she knew I wouldn't come get her. Hopefully I reassured her.