A First and More Drama

I've done a lot of funerals over the last 25 years, and so there aren't too many things that surprise me any more. Today, though, I had a first: the first time I was in a funeral procession on a busy interstate.

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Daughter is spinning more drama at the workshop. Sunday night she told me she'd gotten back together with an old boyfriend. This particular boyfriend was just put on community control and ordered into a sex offenders treatment program. When she told me, she was waiting for me to react. I just shrugged my shoulders. She was disappointed. I said, "We're moving in a month. I'm not providing transportation for you to go see him. He doesn't have transportation. It's not going to last, so I'm not going to worry." She was obviously disappointed.

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Yesterday she came home and told me he was pressuring her for sex and that "something" had happened on the bus. She backed down on her claim that he'd exposed himself to her when I suggested that he had scared her and she was trying to express how threatened she'd felt by what he'd said to her.

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I had a voice mail today from Case Manager. Daughter went in and reported the incident to her. Sigh. She is stressed about the move, I understand that. So she is flailing around creating drama so she can get attention. She tried to hook me with a physical complaint today, but I was tied up with the funeral, so that didn't work. I suspect that this was her next attempt at attention. Unfortunately, I did not get Case Manager's message until it was too late to call her back. Even worse, Case Manager is off for the rest of the week.

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I've explained to her quite clearly that making false reports can get her into a great deal of trouble. So now she's saying she doesn't remember exactly what happened. That could be accurate. I think the line between reality and fantasy is often blurred for her. It sure does make it hard to figure out what's real with her.

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I suspect she will continue to escalate until the move is complete and she is settled in to a new routine. Hopefully I will be able to maintain my patience and sanity until that happens.

Funerals

Last year I had a lot of funerals, personally and professionally. Both my parents died, and then I buried a number of church members. Today I will have my second funeral of the year. The first one was on Sunday. I didn't realize I hadn't had any until I went to the funeral folder on my computer-- I hadn't even started a file for 2010. Not only are these the first funerals, both have been for nonmembers. Two nonmember funerals in a year is unusual, let alone two in less than a week.

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What isn't unusual is that I am adding funerals to one of the busiest weeks of the year. This Sunday is the Big Event. We'll have several hundred guests here for that. For me it is an honor to do funerals. It is a blessing to walk with a family as they journey through their grief. It is a bit more challenging, though, when I don't know the individual. Each funeral I do is very personal, and it's difficult to personalize the funeral of someone I don't know (or didn't know well.)

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Between the Big Event and the funerals, I'm not having much time to do the things that need to be done for the move. I realized yesterday that my commitments over the next month are growing rapidly, and it's going to become more challenging to carve out the space to do the sorting and packing that needs to be done. It will get done. A month from now I will be trying to figure out where to put everything in our new home. I'm looking forward to that challenge.

GI Doc

Today I had a follow up appointment with the Nurse Practitioner in the GI practice where I had the scope done in June. She said I had some pretty impressive inflammation in my esophagus and the damage had caused a significant stricture. The reflux was responsible for my lack of voice in the mornings. There was a while when I had a hard time when every Sunday people would ask me if I had a bad cold because my voice was so raspy. Last time I was in she doubled my medication and told me to elevate the head of my bed. She also told me to modify my diet and stop taking ibu.profen.

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I elevated the head of my bed 6 inches. I'm doing pretty well with the diet-- though I still drink tea with caffeine in the mornings. I'm taking ty.lenol now for my arthritis. I'm feeling better, but still having symptoms. She doubled my medication-- again. She also told me I need to find a GI doctor as soon as I move.

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It's sad that I ignored my symptoms until it got so bad. I spend so much time transporting Daughter to appointments that my own needs get pushed aside. I was talking to Far Away Sister when I left there, and it suddenly hit me-- a medical appointment will no longer require at least an hour in the car. A medical appointment will no longer be a half day affair. Maybe I will be able to see to my own medical needs after we move....

Something to Look Forward To

In my first church, I was part of a clergy group that gathered regularly. It was a wonderful resource, providing friendship, advice, perspective, and fellowship. We made an annual pilgrimage to a major league baseball game. We had an Epiphany barbecue. We studied the Bible together. It was wonderful.

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When I moved here, I couldn't even get my closest colleagues to return phone calls. I have been so lonely here. There have been a couple of women with whom I've made connections, but it has been a challenge.

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Yesterday and today I received emails from colleagues in Capital. One invited me to the monthly clergy gatherings and included the list of dates. They gather for 3 hours once a month for fellowship and a program. The other welcomed me and told me about the events the congregations do cooperatively each year. I can hear Far Away Sister's amused response when I tell her about this: "It's called civilization." It's going to be good to be back in civilization. I'm looking forward to it.

Cause and Effect

Thursday we were working on the program for the Big Event in the office. Some random numbers were appearing when we printed it out. They were not showing up on the computer screen. I explained, again, that there were too many layers of formatting, and that it was better to start with a fresh document rather than modifying a document that had been modified 10 times before. We've had this conversation before, but Secretary thinks it's easier to modify an existing document than to start with one of the templates I've created. I wish she would learn.

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Yesterday Daughter and I had a discussion about how much work she was making for herself when she didn't put things where the belong right away. I pointed out all the stress and the mess of the guest room was a direct result of her failing to be responsible. She claimed she understood, of course. I hoped that she would remember it for at least a while. Yesterday evening there was some laundry she needed to take care of it. She had already forgotten our discussion, and when I insisted that she hang it up and put it away rather than wadding it up and hiding it, the resulting explosion was memorable, to say the least. Two hours later, she finally did things my way. I get frustrated with the fact that she doesn't seem to understand cause and effect. I wish she would learn.

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So, this afternoon I had a graveside service. I pulled up the service I had done for the deceased's sister a number of years ago and worked off of that. I have changed the format I use as I age. I use a larger format with the larger print. Instead of two columns and landscape orientation, I use one column and portrait orientation. Instead of 12 point font, I use 14 point. I was procrastinating. I dismissed the memories of the stress that results when I wait until the last minute and technology doesn't cooperate. I reformatted the old service and rewrote it to fit the situation today. I sent it to the printer. I got a warning that the margins were outside the printable area, but told it to go ahead and print. I picked it up at the printer. Half of the service was missing-- it had printed the portrait style document landscape style. It was missing text at the top and bottom of each page. Okay, I could fix that. I'd print it out landscape style and just read it that way. I modified and sent it to the printer. Again half the document was missing. It had printed the landscape document portrait style, so the beginning and end of each line was now missing. Remaining calm, cool, and collected, I copied the text over to a new document. Same problem. Now I was beginning to panic. Time was running short, and I couldn't print out the service in a complete and readable form. There was no time to completely redo it. In desperation, I copied and pasted the body of the service, omitting the beginning and ending. It worked. I made it to the cemetery in plenty of time. I wish I would learn.

Sunday Morning

This morning was the first Sunday I've led worship here in Tiny Village since the letter went out announcing my resignation. It was freeing to be able to address what is happening directly. I focused on the new thing God is going to be doing in and through us in the weeks and months ahead. The congregation liked it. As I anticipated, a number of the older members are distressed to see me leave. I have grown close to them through time spent walking with them through difficult situations. I've buried spouses, done hospital visits, offered support and reassurance. They are sorry to see me leaving, and I will miss them. I'm sure many of them are wondering who will do their funerals when the time comes.

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I kept telling them that in the long run, this will be good for the church, but this morning there weren't very many people buying that line. Daughter left the church as I was talking about the changes ahead. I had an usher ask someone to go check on her. She came back, but was weepy. This is the place where she has grown up, so it's natural that the thought of leaving is hard on her. The members were recognizing that today, and a number of them took time to speak to her. They have watched her grow up.

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I have explained my departure as a way to provide her with more resources and opportunities. They understood that. One woman made a comment that surprised me. She said not many people would move for the sake of their children. I was surprised, for me, that is part of being a parent. I make many decisions on the basis of what is best for Daughter. Daughter perked up and was telling the farmers that at least she wouldn't have to worry about the smell of manure any more. They told her that may be true, but she'd be hearing lots of sirens. They also informed her that the smell of manure was what provided her with the meat she likes so much. There was a shooting less than a mile from our new home yesterday. It looked like a domestic situation-- an attempted murder-suicide. The suicide was successful, but the shooting victim is alive and in the hospital.

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I had one woman tell me that she wouldn't let me leave until we've sung one song she's requested in worship. I think we'll sing it on September 26th. It will fit well with my plans for that day, and it will make her very happy. There weren't many people in worship this morning-- so there are going to be several more weeks of talking to people for the first time since they've heard. It will be hard. The county fair begins this week, and next Sunday is the Big Event. I'll be dealing with the extended family that I only see once or twice a year. It will be an emotional weekend, I'm sure.

Why We Won't Have a Guest Room

So today we were going to tackle the guest room. Within 5 minutes, Daughter had kicked me out of the room, which was a good thing. I discovered that it had become her dumping ground. I picked up 5 empty blood glucose test strip bottles off the bed. Apparently she cleaned out her diabetes case, but instead of doing it near a wastebasket, she just dumped it on the bed.

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Her senior project had been taken out of its notebook and dumped on the bed. Every outfit she has tried on recently and decided not to wear was dumped someplace on the floor. The hangers were under the bed, on the bed, on the shelves. She'd dumped her hair stuff out on the bed. She was excited because she found the clips she'd been missing. I think I'd asked her why the card game was out of its box and there were empty strip bottles on the bed when she decided I needed to leave. She promised she'd work on it. I sorted and packed 7 boxes of books while she dealt with the stuff on the guest room bed. She spent an hour in there. We'll spend another hour or two tomorrow. It's going to take time, but we will get stuff sorted.

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However, I will not have another guest room-- at least not while she's living with me. I don't go into the guest room regularly, which makes it too easy for Daughter to dump stuff in there. The third bedroom will be my home office. The futon from the den will be in there for guests. Daughter will have to find someplace else to dump her stuff. The sad thing is, I know she will find that place. I'm not going to stop the dumping, but hopefully it won't be on the main floor of our home.

Saturday Errands

Daughter and I met a woman for breakfast in town at 8:00. We were talking about a graveside service tomorrow, and Daughter was bored. She asked if she could walk to the pharmacy with the prescriptions I'd brought along and take care of them. She was quite proud of herself-- she took in the new prescriptions and waited for them, signing for them and all the refills I'd ordered on line last night. She made her way back to the restaurant as we were standing out front talking. She told me about all the things that had tempted her, but she knew I was going to count the change and check the receipt, so she behaved. This was a new experience for her, and she was very proud of herself. On the way home we talked about how she'll be able to do that kind of thing when we move to Capital.

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We then went to the grocery store, got the car washed, and stopped at the farmer's market. I stood in line for sweet corn and they sold the last of it to the individual in front of me. I got lots of other good things, though, so it was still worth the wait in line. I told Daughter she could choose today's project. We're going to go upstairs and spend one hour working in the guest room. I also need to fill pill boxes, and I think we'll go to a different town for blood draws. I've revised last week's sermon, so I'm ready for tomorrow morning. I'll spend about an hour later today perfecting the graveside service.

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One of my rewards will be working in the kitchen with the treasures I found today at the farm market. I'm planning a couple of different salads, and maybe some apple sauce. I'm planning to make this a good day.

Grief

The mother of a member died today. Today would have been Mom and Dad's 55th wedding anniversary. I realized today that we will begin moving into our new home on the 1st anniversary of Dad's death. I told Daughter I was tired tonight. But it's more than that. I'm grieving. My parents are dead, and I miss them. They would be so excited that I'm moving back closer to them. They would be excited about the new church, the higher salary, the opportunity to buy a house, and the opportunities for Daughter. Dad would want regular updates on what's happening. He'd offer advice as to whether I should move the lawnmower or buy a new one.

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Tonight I miss my parents. Tonight I grieve their deaths. Yes I'm tired, but more importantly, I'm grieving. Tomorrow morning I'm having a breakfast with someone to plan a graveside service. That's another reminder of my own losses. The grief is coming less often, but it's still there. This will be the first church that doesn't know my parents. This will be the first house my parents haven't seen. Mom won't be offering advice on decorating and organizing. She won't be driving me crazy by decorating every nook and cranny for Christmas.

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I guess this move has me feeling alone. I don't have parents to offer guidance and advice. I don't have parents to share my excitement and joy. I'll be alone.

Four Days until Next Month

Daughter called me today, crying. I asked her what was wrong.
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In 4 days it will be next month and at the end of next month we're moving and I'm not ready!"
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I told her she didn't have to be ready yet-- and reminded her that the important thing is that we will be together. That is our mantra. "The important thing is that we will be together." She's not ready emotionally, but as I look at what needs to be done and the time left in which to accomplish it, I have to wonder if I will be done with the sorting and discarding in time. We did some work in the garage today, but there is much more to be done. We didn't even get half of it done. Then I have to attack the basement, the attic and the guest room. It's amazing how our belongings expanded to fill the available space. Amazing.

Today's Plan

Today, I'm tackling the garage. The garage contains things that belong to the church in addition to my possessions. There are a number of things that need to be dumped out there. I hope that by lunch time I will have sorted through things and will have all the things that belong to me and are moving to Capital in one area, where it will be easy for the movers to find it and move it. I'm going to make a decision about the lawnmower today, too. I haven't used it in a number of years, so I don't even know if it will start.

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I packed another 6 boxes of books last night, but books are easy. I need to go into those areas where there are things we won't be moving and make some hard decisions. It's going to be a challenge dealing with the things I'm not moving. Do I try to sell them? Do I donate them? Do I throw them in the trash?

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I have a graveside service on Sunday afternoon, so tomorrow morning I'm dragging Daughter out of bed to meet a family member for breakfast in town at 8:00. She wasn't too thrilled about the idea, but it will get her up and moving tomorrow. When we get home, we'll figure out what room we want to tackle first. There is a great deal of sorting and dumping that needs to happen in the next 4 weeks. I told Daughter it would be nice if we could just wake up and be moved and settled in, but it's not going to work that way.

The First Thing that Brings Tears to my Eyes

I received a phone call tonight. The group that is going to be singing on my last Sunday wants to know if I have a favorite I'd like them to sing. I'll have to think on that, but I'm touched that they want to do something special for my last Sunday.

That final Sunday will be very emotional. I'm glad I'll have someone come with me, as I may be a basket case by the end of the day.

Leaving Well

You may not have picked up on it, but I'm excited about starting my ministry in Capital. I'm excited about the ways that congregation is different from Tiny Village. I'm eager to leave here and begin my new ministry. I also know that there are many people here who are going to grieve my departure. It would be easy for them to think I am rejecting them as being inferior, or unworthy. Today I had lunch with a colleague. I was able to share with her my enthusiasm for a new congregation that is so very different from this one.

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I love these people. I have formed a deep bond with many of them as I have had the honor of accompanying them through the valley of the shadow of death and other challenging times. I will miss many of them as individuals. I will miss many of the traditions. I will not miss the frustrations, resistance, and short sightedness of this community. So while I can celebrate the new congregation and the opportunity it will bring with colleagues, it's important that I remember that I still need to be pastor to these people. They still need to know that I love them. They still need to know they can turn to me.

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With the congregation, I'm focusing on the need for Daughter to have more and better opportunities. That's something they can understand. That's something that isn't a reflection on them as a congregation, but on the reality of life in rural America with a special needs young adult. I need to be sensitive to those who are grieving. Too much celebration on my part will seem like a slap in their face-- like a rejection of who they are. I want to leave well. I want them to know that I am grateful for the time I've had with them, and that they will continue to have a place in my heart. I don't want them to take my excitement about a new opportunity as rejection of them.

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I know what I need to do. I'm sensitive to their pain, and I'm so excited about our future that it's hard not to seem insensitive to their pain. I want to leave well, and it's going to be a challenge.

Skill

Somehow Daughter managed to get into the pantry yesterday without me hearing the door alarm. She took some chips, and the proceeded to lie to me about her blood sugars the rest of the day. I discovered the chips were missing at bedtime. I went into her room and demanded she give them to me. I made her check her blood sugar in front of me. It was sky high, of course. She punished me by wetting the bed.

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I am amazed by the skill she shows for sneaking food by me. I should know better than to say good things about her here....

The Value of Sleep

Daughter had been prescribed a rather large dose of trazadone for sleep, and when she was doing better I began to back off on it. Yesterday she told me she was having trouble sleeping at night, so I took her up to a full dose. She was dry this morning. She woke up happy. She hadn't raided the kitchen during the night, so her blood sugar was good. I told her that I had a meeting today, so she didn't call me, begging me to pick her up. When she got off the bus tonight, she was chipper. She leaned against me and slept for an hour, and then we enjoyed a supper of corn and hamburgers. I'm going to keep her on the full dose until we've settled into Capital.

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I have decided that when we move, I'm going to dump her urine soaked mattress. She told me she'd like to have the bunk bed with a futon on the bottom that is in the guest room back in her bedroom. I've decided that the third bedroom will by an office with a futon for guests rather than a dedicated guest room. I want to take my big desk, and I want a place where I can retreat to work on things away from our living. I'm making other decisions about the house, too. I've decided I'm going to do some more work and make some more purchases before/as we move in. My calendar is beginning to fill up, and I'm going to have to sit down and prioritize the things I need to do before we leave. I also need to get serious about packing and about sorting through the things we're moving and the things that need to be donated or thrown away.

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Today I received an email from a woman in Capital. She didn't get to welcome me Sunday, but wanted to extend her welcome today. I was pleased. I also talked to a man who is grieving my departure. I need to save my celebration and be present with the folks here in Tiny Village. It will be a balancing act, to be sure.

Fall in the Air

The leaves are beginning to turn. The county fair starts next week. The Big Event at the church is a week from Sunday. Some of the area schools have started. There has been a chill in the air the last few mornings. Fall is coming. Yesterday I had the windows open and was enjoying the cool breeze-- until one of the farmers decided it was a good day to spread manure. That's definitely one thing I will not miss about Tiny Village.

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Actually, there are some farm fields around the area of the Capital church. It is on the suburban edge. That's why we saw deer in the parking lot when we went house hunting. Of course, that also means that when the economy finally turns around there will be room for construction and the area will continue to build up.

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Daughter is having a hard time with the transition. She sees Therapist this morning. I think that we will be seeing Therapist quite regularly as we move through this transition. Fall has always been a challenging time for Daughter. It was in October that her birth family fell apart. Birth Mom moved the kids into a shelter after a particularly brutal beating of one of the boys. The transition back to school was also a challenge for her each year. So now I'm adding one more transition to challenge her this fall. Maybe, in time, she will see the move to Capital as a very positive thing and fall won't be quite as hard on her (or me).

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Yesterday when she called begging me to come get her, I told her it was newsletter day and so I was stressed and grumpy and she didn't want to be near me. Actually, yesterday was the easiest newsletter day we've had in a very long time, but she didn't need to know that. After I told her I was stressed and grumpy, I didn't get any more calls from her. I'll have to remember that line.

A Sigh of Relief

Case Manager checked things out in Capital for us. There isn't any wait for services! There is transportation! I almost cried when she told me. I didn't realized how worried I'd been about it until I heard we wouldn't have to wait. I will start the process when we go up to close on the house. Speaking of the house, the appraisal is back-- and is higher than the contract price. All kinds of good news today. I went to the nursing home today and talked to my favorite couple. They heard a week ago. They're sad that I'm leaving, and they understand. I'm sad to leave them. I will miss them. I've accompanied them through some hard parts of their journey, and that leaves a lasting bond-- for them and for me.

Neighbors

Yesterday when I was walking around the house, the next door neighbor came over to introduce herself. She told me they were a little loud, because they had 6 children.

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"That's okay. Are they all home grown?"

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"Three are. Three are foster children we're going to adopt."

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"We'll have to talk! My daughter is adopted through foster care."

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I asked if any were diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder. She asked what that was. I told her to be glad she didn't know. She did say the youngest boy has FASD and ADHD. She was getting ready to take him to therapy.

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I see this as another God thing. I'm excited.

We're Home

We're back in Tiny Village. I'm tired, for some strange reason. Today I signed more house papers (no date for closing yet), went through the house yet again, and stopped at two insurance agencies for quotes on home owners and auto insurance. I talked to the Sisters as I was coming home. Tall Niece and Nephew started back to school today. Sister had more news on her ex's attempts to get a mortgage modification so that Sister can move into her own house.

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I know it is going to be increasingly difficult to focus on the needs here as I anticipate the move to Capital. Daughter wet the bed last night, and was trying to convince me she was dying today. She came up with a new one today: in addition to being constipated, she said she wasn't able to urinate. I was actually concerned for a little while. She was weepy again this morning, and in one of the insurance offices ended up kneeling on the floor beside me so she could lean on me. The agent was a little concerned, to say the least. For her to do that in public is a sign of how stressed and exhausted she is.

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Hopefully the return to routine tomorrow will be good for her. She is now allowed to talk openly about our move, which might make things easier. I hope that the people here received the letters tomorrow so I can begin to talk more openly about it. I have refrained from making an announcement on facebook. I got my first facebook friend request from someone in Capital yesterday. I confirmed him as a friend right away.

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One big change that will be nice but take some adjusting is the way that Capital uses email to communicate. I know I will come to appreciate that in time.

Back to Civilization

There have been many wonderful things about living and serving in Tiny Village. One thing I have missed, though, is having a decent office at the church. While I have a very nice study in my home, my church office is a gray desk in the corner of a Sunday School room. There aren't bookshelves. I can't lock the door. We have cordless phones so that there can be one on the pastor's desk and the secretary's desk. The secretary's office is another desk in another corner of the same Sunday School room. The printer/copy machine is between our desks. The only windows are stained glass, and don't open. There is no AC, and the office faces west. It's hot in the summer and cold in the winter.

Here in Capital the church building is modern and completely air conditioned. There is a wall of bookshelves in the pastor's study.

That will be more than be enough to hold my books, many of which are currently in boxes stacked between the desk and the seating area. The danger is my library will expand to fill the available space.

That's Daughter snoozing on the love seat. By yesterday she was exhausted.

There are windows that open and have built in blinds.

As I was driving to the church yesterday morning, I was thinking about the study. I decided I'd need a mirror to check my appearance before I went into worship. As I thought about the study, I decided that the best place would be on the inside of the door to the closet. When I opened the door to hang up my robe, this is what I found.

We went to the grocery store yesterday evening. It was at least three times the size of our grocery stores in Town. When I tell Far Away Sister about my new study and the grocery store, I know what she will say, because she's said it many times the last few weeks, "It's called civilization." I think I'm going to like civilization.

The Good Parts

This congregation has a trailer they take to go do mission trips, where they do construction projects, both locally and nationally. There are a number of retired men who have made this their ministry. They have told me they want to bring the trailer down to Tiny Village and move some things back up here for me. One confessed that they wanted to see Tiny Village-- they'd heard about it from the women who visited, and were wanting to see it for themselves. At first I didn't see much point in it, but then I realized they could move the things the movers won't want to move-- like the lawnmower, the propane grill and tanks, the gas can, and more of the books. They are thrilled.

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Many people had driven by to check out my house. The men want to trim the shrubs. They want the list from the inspection. They wondered if they could start work before I closed on the house. They are eager to do whatever needs to be done. I think that they will more than make up for that 15%.

Challenges Ahead

Today I preached for the church here in Capital, and they held a congregational meeting to vote on whether to call me. Worship went very well, and the sermon was well received. In my first two calls, there was concern about the fact that I am a woman. Some weren't sure they wanted a woman pastor. I told myself that this time, the fact that I'm a woman wouldn't be an issue. Wrong.

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Over 15% of the congregation did not vote for me. The majority of that 15% voted no, and there were a few who abstained. I was shocked when I heard the vote, as I had not anticipated that level of opposition. I considered whether or not I should accept the call. I asked the search committee to come to the office where I was waiting. I asked them how they read this. They were shocked, too. They had not heard rumblings. A couple of them had heard concerns about calling a woman because they had a bad experience with a woman who served as interim pastor many years ago.

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We talked briefly, and then I thought about the impact turning down the call would have on the 85% who had voted yes and were so enthusiastic and welcoming. I decided to accept the call, and I went in and told the congregation that I recognized that they had done some hard work on with their previous pastor, and there was still work to do. I told them I had heard their concerns, and I hoped they would come talk to me about them and see if we could work things out.

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We went downstairs for a reception. The congregation presented us with a huge gift basket, topped with a ribbon in the colors of the local state university. I asked if the ribbons had some significance. There is lots of information on the state and region (including a wonderful city map) and various state delicassies. A number of people came to offer affirmation and support. They told me they thought I was the right person for the position. They told me not to worry about the negative votes. The search committee has developed some theories about the source of those votes. They recently received several members from a much more conservative denomination that doesn't ordain women. There were people in worship this morning who don't normally attend. They also thought some non-members had voted, even though they were clearly instructed that only members could vote.

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So there are going to be challenges ahead. This congregation, which has a long history of conflict and opposition, has not been cured. I know this is where God is calling me to serve. I look forward to the challenges ahead.

Sold!

On our way back to the motel after supper, we drove by our house. It has a sold sign on it. Daughter squealed in excitement. Realtor is going to let us in after we sign the paper work on Monday.

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Daughter had a mini-meltdown once we got back to the motel. One of her friends sent her a text about the latest drama at the workshop. That was the trigger, but really it was just the accumulated stress of the day. She did so well, and I was so proud of her. Tomorrow will be easier. Worship, reception, lunch with the search committee. There's a hot tub here at the motel that is calling our names. We'll check it out tomorrow evening.

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One nice adjustment we'll have to make-- everything is so close together here. I'm used to combining errands and finding things to do in Town if I have more than one event there on a given day. Here, it will be possible to stop home or back at the church between events. A number of people have told us that our new home is close to the park where they do the fireworks on the 4th of July. They suspect we'll be able to watch the fireworks from our yard. Of course, we're usually at a conference over the 4th of July. I will be teaching the Bible study at it again next year.

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I'm going to go over the sermon one more time, and then go to bed.

A Short Break

At 9:30 this morning we met with the staff at the church. From there we went to the brunch, then back to the church where I did some fine tuning of the PowerPoint for tomorrow. At 2:00 there was an open house. I shook lots of hands. One of the search committee members took Daughter over to her house to meet her cat and have a break. She was asking me when I wanted Daughter back. I told her I was beyond making any decisions. I had to explain this a couple of times, and finally she said, "We'll bring her back at 4:00." I thanked her.

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Daughter came back glowing. They gave her caffeine free diet pop and their cat loved her. I previewed the PowerPoint on the screens (3 of them) in the sanctuary. Then we came back to the motel. We arrived here about 5:00. Daughter is sleeping. We'll leave here at about 5:45 to go visit some members in their home. I really like these people. Three generations will be there. Grandpa is retired from the state, and was a compliance officer overseeing special ed. Grandma is a retired special ed teacher and leads the bell choir. Dad does leadership training with the state. We were talking about generational issues last night. Mom works part time maintaining the church website and as financial secretary. The kids are 6, 4, and 1 1/2. It will be a fun evening, I'm sure.

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The people here are warm and welcoming. Several have heard where the house I'm buying is located, and have driven by to check it out. They were all complimentary. There is a new library near our house, and everyone was talking about how fantastic it is. One woman was silent, as another was raving, and I said, "You must not have been there yet." She acknowledged that was the case. She lives in a different town.

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The boxes of books we brought with us this time have been placed in the office. I can't wait to call this community home.

Breakfast

We have brunch today at 10:00, so when I got up at 6:00, I decided to go down and get us breakfast from the buffet while Daughter was in the shower. I came back with small western omelets, seasoned potatoes, a small piece of lemon poppy pound cake, and milk for both of us. I also had hot tea. Daughter had asked for a muffin, but the ones they had were too big.

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Daughter asked if they had decaf coffee. I told her they did. She wanted to go get some. I told I'd go with her later. "I understand." A few minutes later, "Mom, I need to go get us some ice." I told her we didn't need any. I also told her that I would be taking the room keys into the bathroom with me when I took my shower. She turned on the TV and found some cartoons, so for now, at least, the muffin has been driven out of her mind. She was dry last night. I made her bring her De.pends, and she was determined she was not going to wear them. That should keep her dry at least until Sunday night. In a little while we will head over to the church to meet the staff and have brunch.

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Commercial break. She's thinking about muffins again. I guess I'd best escort her down to get some decaf.

Pizza with the Board

We just got back to the motel after pizza with the board. It was a wonderful evening with wonderful people. We were talking about generational differences. We talked about children. We talked about politics, and they weren't extremists! Quote of the night: "Those who see things black and white are missing some gray matter."

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We have some construction going outside of Tiny Village. The other night I forgot to take a different route to avoid the closed road, and ended up having to drive 3 miles out of my way. When I saw the road closed sign, I said something slightly inappropriate for a minister to say. As we were greeting and meeting the people, Daughter told the story, using the word. They thought it was hilarious. I said, "Well I'm human." Someone said, "Now we don't have to worry if we slip."

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I like these people. I like them a lot. Some had gone by to check out the house I'm buying. One had looked up Tiny Village on the Internet. All were interested in Daughter, who did very well. She ended up moving to another room to talk to people, and then the host gave her the TV remote, so she was happy. A couple of the women grew up in suburbs near the suburb where I grew up.

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Tomorrow the day begins with a staff meeting at 9:30, followed by brunch with the service board at 10:00. My excitement continues to grow. Yesterday I realized that I have received more emails from more different people connected with that church than I receive in a year from Tiny Village. I think I will be able to be myself here. I'm looking forward to that.

Receiving Care and Support

I just got a call from someone on the search committee. I had decided that I was going to spend Sunday night in Capital to take care of some business on the house on Monday. I planned to pay for the motel for that night, and was contemplating moving to a cheaper motel. The committee decided that it would be better for Daughter if we didn't move, and they're paying for the motel. They want to make it easy on me. I am blessed. Now I'm packing up the computer and finishing the packing and preparations for our departure. Daughter has decided, as I thought she would, that she is going with me. Amazingly, she was dry last night. Just when I think she's predictable, she surprises me. At least it was a good surprise this time.

No Surprise

Daughter announced last night that she's not going with me today. She's staying here and going to the gift shop. She can't leave her friends. She belongs here. I asked her to find the list of reasons to stay and reasons to go that she'd written with Therapist. She refused. I knew it wasn't an argument I was going to win, so I just held her. She stayed attached to me for a while.

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I chose not to argue with her. I know and she knows that she can't stay home. Having voiced her protest yesterday my prediction is that today she'll wake up eager to go and be very helpful as I gather the things that I need to take with us. I hope my prediction is accurate.

Apologies

Once again, Daughter woke up this morning and apologized for last night. An apology is not an eraser, and she never seems able to put her words into action. When she called from the gift shop to offer yet another apology (and see if I would talk to her), I asked her why she had done it.

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"I thought it would help my stress?"

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"Did it help your stress?"

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"No. It made it worse."

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I told her I wanted her to make a list of things she could do to deal with her stress, and we would talk about it when she gets home. We'll see. Daughter has a difficult time with follow through. For several years I have been telling her no new craft projects/kits until she finishes some of the older ones. It hasn't gotten her to finish anything, but it has saved me money.

A Productive Night

I bought some special snacks for in the motel this weekend. I went into the kitchen, and the box was missing. Gone was the calm, cool, collected mom who never yells. I stormed upstairs and demanded the box back. I asked how many packages she'd eaten. She didn't know. I demanded the wrappers. 4 were hidden under her pillow. 80 grams of carb. More than she should have in a meal, let alone a bedtime snack she's not covering with insulin. I dragged her downstairs and gave her some insulin. I yelled about the thanks I get for buying her a treat. I told her to make her bed properly (she's back to wetting the bed every night). Her response wasn't very polite.

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I came into the study, still fuming, and packed 3 boxes. Two boxes of books, and one big box of art and trinkets that required bubble wrapping each item. I think I used up the adrenalin. It's time to go to bed. I've been sleeping with the windows open the last few nights, but when we came home this evening the air was thick with the fresh country scent of manure freshly spread on some farmer's field, so I may have to stick with the AC tonight.

Progress

This morning Daughter got up surly. She was unhappy because I reminded her she had to shower since she had wet the bed. As she was getting ready to leave the house, I said, "I love you."

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She sighed, "I know." Then she turned to Kitten and said, "Love you, Kitten."

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"What's this, you love the cat, but not me?"

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She protested, and I pointed out she'd simply said, "I know," when I told her I loved her, and then had turned around and told Kitten she loved her. She insisted she loved me, too.

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She was distressed when she got to the gift shop. Super Supervisor talked to her, and she is working hard at turning it around. When we talked about it a little while ago, she couldn't remember what had set her off this morning, just that she had been yelling at me.

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I pointed out to her that she is happy when she's being responsible and cooperating, and that I think she deserves to be happy. She has vacuumed the steps, landing, and her bedroom, cleaned the litter boxes and brought down the dark hamper. She has an appointment with Therapist this evening, and we're going to get supper in Town before her appointment.

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I have the first draft of Sunday's sermon done. Now all I have to do is figure out the PowerPoint to go with it. All in all, a good day in which progress was made. Will it last? For a little while. I'll enjoy it and celebrate it for however long that is.

Tired

Daughter informed me she hated me last night. I had had the audacity to inform her that she needed to make sure her room was in order, as I would be checking it. She doesn't think her bedroom is any of my business. She's not doing anything major right now, but the little things are wearing me out.

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Apparently she hadn't eaten all the candy yesterday morning. So her blood sugar mysteriously jumped 50 points right before supper. Once again she swore she hadn't been into anything. I get so tired of the lying.

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I bought pull out drawers for the two lower cupboards. I carefully organized the plastic containers and mixing bowls. She refuses to put things away in there properly, so every time she has unloaded the dishwasher, I have to move things around the next time I get something out of the cupboard.

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I sat down with her and let her fall asleep against me (drooling all over me) for 90 minutes when she got home yesterday. Within 30 minutes of waking up, she claimed I was asking her to do too much and she had to have a break.

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I couldn't find the pouch where I keep the insulin at supper time last night. I told her to look on my desk for it. She insisted it wasn't on or in my desk. I came and found it under one sheet of paper.

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I get tired of having to keep everything locked up: pills, knives, insulin, treats. It is a major inconvenience, to say the least.

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She was angry and defiant when I told her she needed to take a shower before she went to bed last night. She had lied to me in the morning about wetting her bed, so she hadn't taken one in the morning. I pointed that out to her. She got angrier.

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Throughout all of this I didn't yell. I just laid things out calmly and factually. She responds with yelling, name calling, door slamming. Then she comes down and apologizes for being such a jack*ss, and within 5 minutes is at it again.

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I know it's the stress of the move. I understand that. I'm stressed, too. I'm also tired. Very tired. I'll be glad when the move is behind us.

Okay, It's Progress

Daughter was up at 4:00 this morning, saying she thought her blood sugar was low. Unfortunately her meter was downstairs. I told her she could run down and get it, but she had to come straight upstairs and check there. She took too long, so I knew she was into food. Of course she denied it. Her blood sugar was fine, but she was slow returning to her room. I was tired, and never got out of bed, figuring I'd deal with it this morning.

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This morning, her blood sugar was high. Again she insisted she hadn't been into any food. I told her if that was the case, she should wash her hands and recheck, because maybe her blood sugar was actually lower. She protested, but did as she was told, and the reading was still high. She again insisted she hadn't been into anything. I told her I wasn't stupid, and reminded her it was easier to just tell the truth because I wasn't as mad as I when she continues to lie. I told her to go into the kitchen and gather her breakfast stuff, and be ready to tell me the truth when I came in with her pills and insulin. She refused, going into the living room instead to sit defiantly. She was there maybe 15 seconds before she said, "Okay, I was into candy."

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I have a candy jar of colorful Christmas hard candy on my shelves. She is allowed to have one piece when she wants it. Last night she grabbed "a couple of hand fulls." I thanked Daughter for telling me the truth. Today I will give the candy and candy jar to secretary. Tonight I will make sure she takes her meter upstairs with her when she goes to bed.

Wow! Miracles

Miracle #1: There is a center in Capital that specializes in DBT (see previous post).

Miracle #2: They are accepting new patients.

Miracle #3: They accept our insurance.

Miracle #4: The newest member of their team is a woman with a special interest in 4 areas, 3 of which apply to Daughter: personality disorders, eating disorders, cognitive disabilities.

God is good.

The First Good bye

We saw Psychiatrist for what I hope is the last time today. She left it open that we could come back before we leave if there is a need. I asked if she knew any psychiatrists in Capital, and she doesn't. I asked her if I should be looking for a therapist who specializes in Borderline Personality Disorder, and she said yes. Dialectical Behavioral Therapy is a skill based therapy being used with some success with BPD. I was hoping she'd say I was imagining the BPD symptoms, but no such luck.

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In better news, I talked to the mortgage broker today. He locked in the 4.5% interest rate for me on Friday before the rates began to climb again. He had thought 4.75% would be the best he could do. I was hoping he'd be able to get me 4.5%, and so was very pleased at that news.

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Realtor called today. He checked for electrical outlets in the basement for me. The good news is that there are 3. The not so good news is that they are not where I'd hoped. I will be able to plug in my freezer, though, and there will be a spot to set up a TV and such for Daughter to have a hangout area.

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Things are moving along. It feels good.

Did I Volunteer for That?

This afternoon was the board meeting at which I asked for next Sunday off so I can go to Capital to preach and be officially called as their pastor. Against the advice of some, I told the board what was happening. Some new, most were surprised. Even those who were surprised knew it was a possibility. Actually, I was surprised by how few actually knew. We had 2 people here to answer some of their questions and concerns, and they had many questions.

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They definitely want to get an interim pastor, and want someone here as quickly as possible after I leave. They're frustrated at the time the search process will take. They are sad, but supportive. My plan was for September 26 to be my last Sunday, and then to move the following week and start in Capital October 18. The board thought it would be good to have communion my last Sunday. I agreed. So, I'm still moving the same time, but I'll come back one more time to preach and celebrate communion with them on October 3, which is World Communion Sunday. I can't believe I agreed to do that. It feels right, though. One final visit, and then we'll be done. It will also be exhausting, and I am probably crazy to even consider it, let alone volunteer to do it.

Making Connections

Earlier this week Daughter and I were having a discussion about food issues. I told her (again) that her health is very important to me. She informed me her health was no concern of mine and I needed to leave her alone and stop worrying. I don't think she was quite that polite. I asked her if she worried about me when I wasn't feeling good, and pointed out I felt the same way. That ended the discussion, but she wasn't convinced.

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By the time worship was over today, my back was really bothering me. I couldn't bend over to put some things away, so I had to ask for help. By the time I got home, I was limping. I asked Daughter to fetch the heating pad for my back, and then I asked for her help positioning it properly. She was very concerned and solicitous. She pulled two meals out of the freezer and heated them up in the microwave for our lunch today. She kept asking me what I needed.

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After lunch she came in and said to me, "This is what you were talking about this week." I had no idea what she was talking about. She said, "I think it was about the lying. You said you had to take care of me just like I have to take care of you!"

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I was impressed that she remembered what I said and made the connection. Do I think it will result in a change of behavior/attitude? Maybe for a few days. But she's going to have to make the connection many more times before it changes her attitude. The good news is that she is capable of making the connection, and maybe next time she'll remember today.

Stopped Medication

Nice Guy's mom told me he had taken himself off his medication. Since that time, he's been making some very poor choices. He keeps befriending underage girls. Apparently he's begun to drink heavily. Last night Daughter was concerned because when she called him he didn't sound right. He said he'd call her back after he dropped off his friends and got home. He never called back. She thought he sounded like he'd been drinking. She was angry with him because he'd been verbally abusive with one of their friends earlier in the day.

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I feel sorry for his mother, who is watching him slowly self-destruct. He has always been very defiant, and she has struggled to get him help his entire life. He's not an adopted child, but he certain struggles with mental health issues similar to what adoptive parents face. She can't force him to take his medication. I know there are many people who are completely opposed to psychiatric medication. I wish those people could spend a month or so living with someone with serious mental illness who isn't medicated, and then see the difference medication makes for them.

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I'm sure Daughter will meet people in Capital who struggle and make poor choices, but I hope she will also have an opportunity to make some friends who are stable and will be good companions for her. That is my hope. Several people commented to me that Daughter looked good and seemed to be doing better these days. For the most part, she is. The lying, though, is about to drive me up a wall.

Home

The last few days I've noticed something interesting. Daughter is asking me when we are going home. For her, home is no longer Tiny Village. Home is Capital. I'm amazed that she has decided that is home even before we've moved. I think that part of the reason she is claiming it as home is that she realizes we're going to be closer to family. Our last two trips up there family has come to see us. The first time it was Sister Best Friend, someone I've known since seminary and vacationed with for many years. We do worship planning together, and Daughter calls her aunt. SBF lives 45 minutes away from our new home. The second time it was Sister and Short Niece. They're further away, about 90 minutes, but we will still be seeing much more of them than what we see now.

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We've never lived close to family, so I am thrilled that Daughter feels such a connection with them that the idea of being closer to family is so good. That's quite an accomplishment for a kid who was diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder. Therapist keeps pointing out that she is attached to me, but we still deal with some of the residue and she still struggles with trust. She's excited to think she'll be seeing more of them. For her, this house we are buying is home. She wants to move now. I have begun putting the important dates on a calendar for her, but I still can't give her a definite date for the move. Hopefully by next week I'll be able to fill in the rest of the dates, and she'll have the comfort of knowing what is happening when. I think that will be very helpful for her.

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Today has been a marathon cooking day. I've made jello for her, and have done what will probably be the last round of meals for the freezer. I've made 19 servings of pizza pasta and 3 pounds of taco meat. Daughter was very cooperative, and I'm grateful.

Plan #14,567

Last night at bedtime Daughter's blood sugar was high. "I wasn't into anything."
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"I'm not stupid. Go get whatever food you have hidden in your room."
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"There isn't any! I wasn't into anything!" She took her pills and insulin and headed upstairs to bed, mad because I didn't believe her.

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I opened the pantry door. "Daughter, bring down the tortilla chips right now. Best bring down any other food or empty containers you have up there at the same time."

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After a moment of silence, she came downstairs carrying a bag of tortilla chips.

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This morning her blood sugar was high. "Go get whatever food it is you have hidden in your room. You'd best bring it all down now."

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She went back upstairs and came down with a bag of croutons. We had the usual discussion in which I pointed out that I was sick of the lying, and how frustrated I got with myself when I believed her lies. I explained again how I torment myself by wondering how I messed up her insulin, and I worry that I'm killing her. I reminded her again that it goes a lot easier if she comes clean immediately instead of continuing to lie to me, and that I eventually figure out the truth, so she might as well get it over with. I never raised my voice.

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She screamed at me that she had to eat the food and I didn't understand. She stormed up to her room again vowing she'd never eat another bite and I could forget about breakfast. She accused me of being unreasonable. She came downstairs and told me she was an idiot and she hated herself for being such a screw up.

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I reminded her again that she was capable of making good choices. We ate breakfast (one of my Dad's specialties-- sausage gravy and biscuits, but I made it with turkey sausage, fat free evaporated milk, and whole wheat biscuits).

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I reminded her that I'm stressed about the move, too. I pointed out that by eating and lying, she was only adding to her stress. I suggested I would make sugar free jello and reminded her there was some reduced fat cheese in the refrigerator. I pointed out that both of those were free foods (no carbs needing to be covered by insulin), and anytime she was feeling the need to eat, she could tell me and have some cheese or jello. She thought that might help.

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I will be so glad when I can lock the pantry and refrigerator. Until then, I'd best get busy figuring out plan #14,568.

Treats

While I was in town yesterday, I bought some diet pop and vanilla ice cream to make our favorite ice cream floats. We had one after supper, and it was delicious. I carefully reminded Daughter that we could have these daily as long as she stayed out of the pop and ice cream. Today I found the empty ice cream carton (half gallon) in the wastebasket under the desk in the upstairs hall. We were getting ready to go out the door at that point. I asked her what her blood sugar had really been this morning. She confessed it had been 213, not that 113 she'd told me. She'll be high all day, and so she won't feel good. I'm trying to figure out who might appreciate the rest of the diet pop. It certainly won't be around for Daughter to have.

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I will be so glad when I am able to lock the refrigerator and pantry. It will make my life much less stressful. We will not be going to the final concert in the park tonight. After ignoring my text messages yesterday evening and getting into ice cream over night, she's due for an evening at home with me. The sad thing is, I'm punished by all of this, too. I enjoyed my ice cream float yesterday evening, and now I can't have them because of her lack of control. With a refrigerator and pantry that locks, I'll be able to have treats in the house. That will be very nice.

The Ballpark

There is a ballpark here in Tiny Village, and in the summer there are softball games there several nights a week. When Daughter was younger, she'd go hang out over there some evenings. Any kid who retrieved a ball from the corn (or bean) field beyond the outfield fence got a free bag of popcorn from the concession stand. That made it a very popular place for the kids to hang out. Once she became diabetic, the popcorn became problematic and she lost interest.

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This summer she realized that those men's teams now include some of her high school classmates. Suddenly she likes hanging out at the ballpark again. So yesterday evening she rushed through her chores so she could get over to the ballpark. She told me she had her cell phone so she could text me when she was coming home.

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Her bedtime has always been 9:00, so at 8:55 I sent her a text: "Time to come home." She didn't respond and didn't show up, which surprised me. It had been delivered. I looked outside and it was getting dark. I looked over in the direction of the ballpark and realized the lights weren't on. So a little after 9:00, I sent a second text message: "Now!" Again there was no response and she didn't appear. I was trying to remember how to do locate on her when she came storming up the steps, furious with me.

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When she finally calmed down, I pointed out that I hadn't yelled or gotten angry, and she was the one who had ignored my texts and stayed out beyond her bedtime. I told her she wanted more freedom, which was fine, but she seemed to be saying by her actions that she wasn't ready to handle it. I was surprised when she agreed with that. She had been hanging with friends from high school, and she wanted to have the freedom of a 23 year old. We talked about the responsibility that came with the freedom, and how she wasn't doing so well with that. Finally she told me that yesterday's games were the last of the season. In other words, she didn't care if she got in trouble and I didn't let her go back to the ballpark-- the season was over.

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This morning she's wondering if it's too late to say she doesn't want to go back to the workshop. I told her that was why she was starting with one day a week, because we knew she might change her mind.....

Return to the Workshop

Daughter told me yesterday she wants to go back to the Sheltered Workshop. Her reasons keep changing:

• It's too noisy at the Gift Shop (it's quieter than it is at the workshop).
• She wants to be with her friends (though most of them are no longer at the workshop).
• She wants to work on her job skills so she can get community employment when we move.

I suspect the stress of the anticipation of the move is hard on her, and she is trying to run away from it, thinking it is connected with the Gift Shop. We talked to Therapist about it this morning, and had a conversation with Case Manager this afternoon. I have suggested that she try one day a week, and if that goes well, we'll gradually increase it. I've also made clear that she has to work if she wants to stay at the workshop. I suspect she may be going there for attention. When I asked for specific names of friends she wants to be with, the vast majority of them are supervisors and administration.

Case Manager agreed with my plan, and is going to take it to the higher ups. Do I think she'll be happy at the workshop? No. I do think, though, that I have to step aside and give her a chance, and set it up in a way that gives her an opportunity to succeed. We'll see how it works. Maybe I should set up a pool and give you all the opportunity to predict how long it will last. I think the plan is for her to go to the workshop this coming Tuesday. It will be interesting.

The House

Yesterday I removed the inspection contingency from my offer on the house, and it disappeared from the internet listings. That makes it more real. I am no longer as concerned about the size of the bedrooms, but that doesn't mean I'm not finding other things to worry about.

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There are little things I hadn't thought of, but now am beginning to think about. The laundry room is a closet in the half bath off the kitchen. The half bath has a pocket door. I haven't figured out where I'm going to hang up clothes as I remove them from the dryer. I guess that means they'll get put away right away.

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There isn't a washtub or utility sink in the house. I'm not sure where I'll rinse out paint brushes and rollers, especially if I'm painting in the winter.

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I don't think there are any outlets in the basement. The lights are on pull strings, and other than the outlets for the furnace and dishwasher, there weren't any outlets. That means I'll have to have some added right away if I'm going to set up an area for Daughter with TV and such down there. I also want to put my freezer down there, so that will need an outlet.

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It's amazing the little things that are coming to my mind right now. The good news is that all of these things are relatively minor. I'm glad I don't have major things keeping me awake at night. Even better, because I was so careful not to buy more house than I can comfortably afford, I'll have the money to take care of these issues. That's good news. We saw an area where there had been a water softener at one time. Maybe it had an outlet that I can use for the freezer, and then I can take my time with the other outlets I'll want/need.

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It's very hard to focus on work here as I think/dream about the move. I did some work on my sermon yesterday. Today I need to work on board agenda for Sunday and go to the nursing homes. Tomorrow I have a breakfast appointment. After the letter goes out to this congregation on the 23rd, I will have more to do as I take care of the things that need to be done before I leave and begin to say my good byes. I'm sure it will be a bittersweet time, and it will fly. We'll be unpacking boxes sooner than I anticipate, I'm sure.

Frustration

Daughter has a tooth that's bothering her. I called today to make an appointment with her dentist. They won't see her anymore because she has Medicaid. I can't even take her there if I pay. They were the only dentist in the area taking Medicaid. I understand that there is a dentist in the congregation at Capital who likes helping the pastor. That's good news. Hopefully she won't get an abscess between now and the time we move.

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Waiting to move is getting harder for Daughter. She's calling me more frequently with vague complaints. In her most recent call, she complained that her blood sugars have been jumping all over the place today. They've ranged from 99 to 110. Those numbers are fantastic for someone with type 1 diabetes. They don't get much better than that (normal is between 70 and 120). Those numbers are basically identical given the margin of error on her meter.

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Fortunately, she sees Therapist tomorrow morning. I promised her cuddle time when she gets home in a little while.

A Playmate for Kitten

The last few days Daughter has been bugging me to get a playmate for Kitten. She insists that Kitten is lonely since Cat died, and needs a playmate. I said absolutely not on a puppy, and have been delaying the question of a kitten. Yesterday she started in again, and I told her I wouldn't consider any new pets until after we were moved and settled in our new home. She was disappointed, and then she explained to me why she wants a new puppy or kitten.

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When she sees Best Friend Mommy with her baby, she is jealous, and she wants one. She knows she isn't ready to care for a human infant, so she wants to get a very young kitten or puppy she could bottle feed and nurture. I have to say, I was impressed. This is a huge step for her. I told her yesterday that we could talk about a kitten after we were moved and settled in our new home. We won't be getting one so young it needs a bottle (though I didn't tell her that), but if she is still wanting a baby animal to love and nurture, I may consider it. I'm glad she's no longer telling me she wants to adopt a baby. (Pictures of childbirth convinced her she never wants to give birth-- plus she still is terrified of anything sexual.) This plan is much more realistic and a better way to take care of her desire to nurture.

Used Up

Daughter used up her ability to cooperate and be helpful with the books. She's "too tired" tonight to take out the recycling, empty the dishwasher, and take care of the cat boxes. I told her I thought I was going to be "too tired" to do anything for her for a while. After I took out the recycling and emptied half of the dishwasher, she came storming out to finish her chores. I was not impressed.

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When I take a step back, I think she is exhausted from being cooperative and responsible and putting on a good face for others. When I'm in the midst of it, I'm frustrated by the fact I never know when I'll be able to count on her or for how long.

V Power

As Daughter and I were headed to Capital yesterday, she was again talking about her plans for her new bedroom. I told her if she can keep her room clean and stay dry at night, for her Christmas present I will redecorate her room. She has been watching entirely too much HGTV, and was talking about the thing she wanted to do to make the room "pop." Her plans involve pastel green, pink, blue and black. I didn't ask her what pastel black was. I made a comment which prompted her to tell me, "I want to do it completely by myself." I managed to avoid shuddering at the thought, but did tell her, "Remember, I have veto power."

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About that time we passed a gasoline tanker on the interstate, that was painted with a large advertisement for its "V-Power." Daughter pointed it out, "Mom, that's what you have, you have V-Power!" I like it.

A Visit to Capital

Daughter and I met Sister and Short Niece for lunch today, and then went over to our future home for the home inspection. In addition to the home inspector, we had a pest inspector and radon man there. Overall the report was good. There are some things I need to address this fall, but I had already identified most of them. The sliding door that was installed backwards also has some rotten wood, moving that up on the priority list.

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After the inspection, we went over to the church to leave the boxes of books, and then I met with Worship Committee Chairman and Administrative Assistant (husband and wife). They were great. I really liked them both. We have planned the worship service for the 22nd, and I have been briefed on how their worship service works, and shown how to work the projectors for the PowerPoint. They do things very differently, it will take some adjusting, and it will be fun. They are very open to change and trying new things.

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WCC and AA had visited the same little obscure museum near our favorite vacation spot, and had been impressed by the same things. We like some of the same music. Their son graduated from the same place as Far Away Sister and her husband, though in different engineering programs and over 20 years apart.

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Every time I go up there, I feel more comfortable and come back energized. Daughter was fantastic. She was delighted to see her cousin and aunt, and she helped unload the books while I was meeting with WCC and AA. On the way home, we stopped at a tourist place I visited over 30 years ago that specializes in turkey. Their entire menu is turkey. Daughter had a barbecue turkey sandwich, I had a smoked turkey sandwich.

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We got home almost 12 hours after we left this morning. I returned some phone calls, Daughter took care of the trash. I washed dishes and made iced tea. We moved 5 boxes of books from the upstairs hall to the car, and tomorrow evening we will make the trip to City to donate them to the AAUW book sale. We are making progress, and things seem to be going smoothly. I think I will sleep well tonight.

Big Day

Tomorrow will be a big day for us. We'll leave here before 8:00 to meet Sister and Short Niece for lunch, then we'll go to the house for the home inspection at noon. I have a tape measure and graph paper, and I've asked Sister to bring her video camera. When the home inspection is over (and hopefully without any expensive surprises), I will call a member of the search committee and we will head over to the church to unload the first 14 boxes of books.

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I'm sure I'll be exhausted when I get home, but that's okay. I'll have more information and will be able to make more concrete plans as I prioritize the things I want to purchase for our new home and figure out what furniture we'll take and where it will go. I was pleasantly surprised this evening to realize that the living room in our new home is actually bigger than the living room we have here. That will help with the furniture arrangement.

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I'm excited, and I think Daughter is, too. She is looking forward to seeing Short Niece and Sister.

Death and Text Messages

I turn the ringer off on my phone when I head over to the church on Sunday morning. So I was surprised when I picked it up to check the time and discovered there was a new text message. Brother was telling us that his grandmother-in-law had died last night. He was getting ready to go tell his wife. I sent a quick text back offering condolences, and it was time for worship to begin.

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When we came to the joys and concerns, I wanted to ask for prayers for the family, and as I began to ask, I realized I hadn't had a chance to tell Daughter about the death. Oops. I apologized to her for not telling her ahead of time, and then made the prayer request. Daughter was not happy, to say the least. She left the worship service and stood out on the front porch "sobbing my eyes out," at least, that's her version of it.

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While she was on the front porch, she sent me a text message: "come outside." I didn't see it until after worship, but I find myself wondering if she actually thought I would leave the pulpit to go outside and find her. I think her grief has to do with the fact that this is a reminder of the death of her grandparents. Within a couple of hours she was fine.

I will go in with my sisters to send flowers, and wonder how much trouble I will be in if I don't go up for the funeral. I was never that close to this woman, and don't have the time for another out of state expedition this week. I find myself wondering if it's realistic to think I'm going to be able to fit in all the medical appointments I wanted to make before we leave....

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Anyway, Daughter has now sent her first text message. I don't think text messages to me count in her allowance, but I'm not going to tell her that.

Family Locator

A brilliant friend of mine, Maeve, has family locator so she can track her daughter, who has much in common with Daughter. She suggested I look into it, so I did. I have it set up and activated one Daughter's phone. The only downside was I had to turn text messaging back on on her phone in order to do it. I blocked it on her phone a number of years ago after she subscribed to several premium services. She's very excited that she now has text messaging. I ordered the smallest package for her, and told her that if she sent or received more than 5 a day it would cost lots of money and she'd have to pay. We'll see how that works.

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I like the idea of being able to locate her any time I want to-- of course, that means she'll have to have her phone on, but I wouldn't have called her last night if I'd been able to just log in and locate her. If I do allow her more freedom when we move, it will be helpful to be able to check on her location. I can set it up to automatically send me her location at various times during the day. I think I'm going to like this. I don't think she will....

Books

I love books. Today I went through the first round of sorting through my personal books. I found a charity book sale that is accepting books, and we filled 5 boxes with books to donate today. I will sort through them again when I pack the ones I'm keeping, and hopefully I will pull out more to be donated. It's been harder than I thought it would be. I haven't started pulling out the professional books I want to donate, I suspect that will be even harder. Daughter packed all the books into boxes as I pulled them off the shelves. I've packed 8 boxes of professional books I'm moving to Capital on Monday. I'd like to get a few more boxes of books packed to take with us.

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Sister and Short Niece are going to meet us for lunch before the inspection. I've printed out some graph paper, so I'm going to measure the rooms and mark where windows and such are. I'm working on my priority list. I wrote important dates on a calendar today for Daughter. I can't put in the date of the actual move yet, but hopefully will be able to figure it out soon. The moving company said they could do it at my convenience as long as I tell them several days ahead of time. They will bring 2 men and 2 trucks, so it will take 4 days in all with the packing, moving, and unloading. That's actually better as far as I'm concerned. It will be a little less frantic. My 30 year college reunion is about the time of the move, and Capital is less than 60 miles from college-- it would be kind of nice to go, but complicated in the midst of a move. I'll figure it out.

Scary Night

Yesterday evening we went to Town for supper and the concert in the park. Daughter was planning to meet some of her friends, including Nice Guy. We arrived at the park and I took my seat in my lawn chair while she went off in search of friends. It was a much smaller crowd than usual, as it was the community concert band that was playing rather than a band they'd hired that played hit music.

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As the evening progressed, I realized Daughter had not stopped by or called me, which was unusual. Then I realized that Best Friend Mommy was over to the side with her baby and Daughter hadn't come by to see her. I got up and wandered over to the restrooms, scanning the crowd as I went. I didn't see Daughter or her friends. I began to wonder if she'd gone off with Nice Guy again. I called her cell phone to check on her. She didn't answer. She often doesn't answer the first time I call. Sometimes she leaves it on vibrate and doesn't hear it. I called again. She still didn't answer. It occasionally takes her a few calls to hear my call, but she always answers or calls me back. I called again. My call went straight to voice mail. Okay, maybe she was trying to call me at the same time. But my phone didn't ring, and repeated calls went straight to voice mail.

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I got up and walked around, looking for her, my mind racing. Had she gone off with Nice Guy? Had he made her turn off her phone? Where could they have gone? I didn't have his cell phone number, and the other friends she was talking about meeting didn't have cell phones. How long should I wait before I called the police? What kind of car did Nice Guy drive? Would his mother be home? Did I have his mother's phone number in my cell phone? Would Daughter call me eventually? Should I go home and wait for her to call? What if he'd decided to take her someplace and keep her until the court house was open and they could get married? What if he was raping her? What if they'd been in an accident? Who could I call to help me figure things out?

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Then I saw her. She was over in a completely different area of the park, alone. Her story was she didn't know I was trying to call her because she was talking on the phone to friends. Her phone had shut down because the battery was dead. I told her she had to stay with me since her cell phone was dead and I wouldn't be able to reach her. She got mad and refused. We came home with her in the backseat alternating between yelling about how unreasonable I was being and hitting herself with her fists.

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Once we plugged her cell phone into the charger I was able to confirm that she had two missed calls from me. Eventually, she acknowledged she'd ignored my calls. I told her how worried I had been. She showed remorse and felt guilty. I'm glad she was just being a brat, but am reluctant to give her any freedom when she pulls things like that. She doesn't keep her cell phone charged, and I told her she has to find a place for the charger, and put her cell phone on it every day.

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She didn't acknowledge that she'd ignored my calls until bedtime. I told her if she ever pulled a stunt like that again she'd be grounded for life. She informed me that was impossible. There will be another conversation about that today, and there will be consequences, I just have to decide what they will be. For now, I'm grateful that she was just being a brat and ignoring my calls.

Ancient

I have texted and emailed updates on the house hunt to my siblings. I've had a number of conversations with my sisters, and brother sent one text about it being exciting and keep them up to date. I thought it was rather strange I hadn't heard more from him, but have my ideas about why that may be the case. So today I was talking to Sister. She had a conversation with Brother this week and asked him what he thought about my house. He expressed concern that it was a lot of house for me to handle and offered the opinion that it would be hard for someone my age. Sister pointed out I'm not that old and the house is much smaller than where I am now and has fewer steps.

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She told me, "I think he thinks you're ancient!" I was always the third parent for him, and his mother-in-law is my age (his wife is much younger than he is), so I think he's having a difficult time keeping my age in perspective. For his wife, I'm mom's age, not sister's age. There are some other issues, of course.

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I noticed that Realtor kept talking about how important it would be for me to have first floor laundry. I find myself wondering if he thinks I'm ancient, too. Maybe I should think about doing something about all that gray hair....

Happy Birthday, Dad

Dad would have been 81 today. I find myself thinking about him quite a bit lately. It was his good financial management that has given me the resources to comfortably purchase my house. He would be delighted that we are moving to Capital, and would want to know all the details. I found myself evaluating houses based on how easy it would be for Mom and Dad to get in-- even though it's been over a year since Mom died and almost a year since Dad died. I think he'd like the house and the church. He'd be so proud. He'd worry about services for Daughter and how she was handling the move. He'd want to offer advice on financing, furniture placement, and changes I should make to the house. He'd love the front porch, and want me to buy a swing for it. He'd probably buy me one as a housewarming gift, and then supervise its installation.

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One of the blessings that came out of Mom's dementia and loss of her her verbal skills was that Dad had to communicate directly with us. I think all of us got closer to him in the last few years. Dad and I didn't always get along. We were often at war during my teenage years, but not about the things daughters and fathers usually battle about it. We often argued about politics and religion. When I'd get frustrated with him, I'd retreat to my basement bedroom and read my Bible. I found it comforting to think that I had a heavenly Father who loved me when my earthly father was being difficult.

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One of our biggest battles was over college and career. He wanted me to go to an engineering school with a strong co-op program and become an electrical engineer. He promised to buy me a new sports car if I'd agree to go there. I wanted to go to a small, church related college and prepare to go on to seminary and become a minister. I told him I was called to ministry. He told me God had given me a gift for mathematics which indicated a call to engineering. I told him if God had wanted me to be an engineer, God would have given me a love for it, as well. When he finally resigned himself to the fact that I wasn't going to become an electrical engineer, he insisted that I go to one particular college. I didn't want to go there for a variety of reasons. He informed me that if I wanted him to pay for my college, that was where I would go. I went.

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He continued to pressure me to go into business, and I continued to refuse. I took one accounting course to shut him up, and hated it. Mom was telling me that while he was pushing me toward business he was telling everyone at the church they had recently joined that his oldest daughter was going to be a minister. It took him longer to admit to me that he knew he'd lost that battle.

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When I finished seminary, it was hard for women to find calls. I ended up moving back home, which was challenging for everyone. In my search for a church, the one that jumped out at me was Inner City. I told myself he'd never let me go there, but he was reading over material and commented that that looked like a good church. I knew that wasn't Dad speaking, that was God. He was very proud when I was ordained and installed as pastor of Inner City. He was very supportive, and when I bought my house there they came and he did some work on it. He and Mom would come to Inner City and here to Tiny Village to take care of Daughter so I could go to conferences. They came to our home because the knew it would be easier for Daughter if she were able to remain in her familiar routine. I was amazed by how easily he accepted and welcomed Daughter into the family.

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When Dad came to Tiny Village to visit, he loved to sit out on the porch swing. There had been a porch swing at the house where he lived as a child. I remember going to visit grandparents in the summer and Dad sitting out in the porch swing and talking to Grandad, who'd sit next to him in his wheelchair. We'd be doing something in the house and realize that Dad was missing, and find he'd gone out to sit in that swing.

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I think I'm going to get a glider to put on the porch at our new house. Daughter and I will sit there in the evenings. She will be getting her mommy time, I will be remembering Dad. Happy birthday, Dad!

Midnight Musings

I've been having difficulty sleeping the last few nights. I go to bed and my mind is racing. One of the things that I keep thinking about is the move. Our new house is quite a bit smaller than this one. I've known since I moved in here 14 years ago that this would be a problem-- that I'd never again live in a house this big and beautiful. So last night it was the guest room furniture that had me thinking. Our current guest room is large-- probably larger than any of the rooms in our new house. I had already decided that the futon/bunk would go to the basement. I'm thinking about setting up a space for Daughter and her friends in the unfinished basement. I'll put the futon/bunk there as well as a TV and some of the other furniture from that room. I think I'll put the carpet we will remove from her bedroom on the floor to define the space, and further define it by painting a portion of the basement wall a bright, cheery color. It shouldn't be a problem to run cable down there, in fact, I think we saw cable hanging down in one corner of the basement. Lying in bed, I realized there were also some shelves in that room. They can go down there, too. She can store games and craft supplies on them. The small desk I will sell or donate. The twin bed will go in the guest room. The wicker chair will find a home in the basement in Daughter's area.

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But then came the problem. What will I do with my sewing machine? Yes, I have to confess, I lost sleep last night over a sewing machine. Even after losing sleep, I haven't figured out where I'm going to put it. That's one of the reasons I'm glad we've moved up the home inspection. I'm going to go take lots of pictures and measurements. Armed with hard facts, I should have enough information to find spots and make decisions about the items that wake me up in the middle of the night....

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I do understand Daughter's anxiety about the move. It's one of the reasons I'm pushing things along at a rapid pace (it may seem slow, but often there is a longer time between receiving the call and actually moving). I'm going to have to count and measure shelves when we're there Monday, too. This morning I looked at the pantry and wondered if there would be enough space in the new one. Oh, and should the freezer go in the garage or the basement? It's not just at night that I find myself wondering....