Daughter didn't leave her message with the right person, so the bus didn't come get her today. We both had meltdowns, but then came the time to regroup. I went into the kitchen and began doing her chores. She sat on the steps feeling tortured for a while, and then came out and took over unloading the dishwasher. She began anticipating needs and doing them. She told me she felt stupid and hated herself. I told her to learn from it. She said she couldn't. I told her I had confidence in her ability to learn.
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She continued to work while I took my shower, and finally figured out what was going on. "Daughter, I need to talk to you."
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"Uh-oh."
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"When you earn 180 points, that doesn't mean you have to get a job and I'm kicking you out of the house. It means that you will be able to get a job. You will have the freedom to do that, and other freedoms as well. I'm not kicking you out or making you get a job. That's your decision. Were you worried about that?"
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"Yes! Why do you think I've been acting this way. I just couldn't tell you."
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"What happens when you use your words?"
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"It gets better."
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"You could have saved us both a lot of pain if you'd just talked to me about it."
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It's getting harder to convince myself she can learn. Back in January I decided that this Sunday I'd be preaching on the power of hope. Have I ever mentioned how often I end up preaching to myself?
7 comments:
She is so far from stupid! That darned trauma is a killer though, isn't it. Sometimes it's a killer of confidence and self esteem and sometimes trauma just kills the ability to have relationships that don't include power and control.
That push-pull of control is so tough for these kids. Even mine, pretty-much healed, gets into these control situations with me. I have no answers. I yell too.
Thanks, Maeve. I've been feeling the need to review some of the material I have on trauma as I continue to seek ways to make life easier for both of us.
It really is not easy to be a single mother. I heard that grants for single mothers and obama's program are running out of funds.
I think it was a misunderstand that could happen to anyone. We told our eldest son that he could get an apartment with a room mate during his senior year in college. He took it to mean that he had to move out and live on his own. He seemed quiet and unlike himself for a couple of weeks until we were talking one night and the situation came up. I felt terrible. We reassured him that he could live at home as long as he likes. Communication mishaps happen.
Miz Kizzle,
Thank you! It's nice to know normal kids can worry about these things, too.
So glad things have improved. Dead impressed by your insight about what was bothering Daughter. That would have been so easy to miss amidst the challenge of dealing with the behaviour.
Thanks, Cathy. It's taken a long time to get to this point of understanding. The early years were exceeding frustrating, as I didn't have a clue as to why she was doing the things she was doing.
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