Daughter had an appointment with Therapist this morning. Fortunately, Therapist had an open hour following Daughter's appointment. We needed it all.
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Last Wednesday, Daughter began to ease back into full time at the workshop. It was the first time she had been there with Flasher for a while. She agreed to be his girl friend again. She wants to be his girl friend.
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I'm angry, scared, sad, defeated, you name it, I'm feeling it. Therapist did her best to frame it in a helpful manner. We have a plan: Daughter has a voice. She used her voice to get into this, she will have to use her voice to get out of it when she's ready. Flasher's name is not to be mentioned in our home. None of us (Therapist, Case Manager, Me) will talk to Daughter about Flasher until after she's broken up with him. It's her problem, not ours, and we will not be pulled into the drama.
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She knows I'm angry. She sat in the back seat on the way home to give me space. She can see him at the workshop, but that's it. There will be no enabling contact outside of the workshop. What happens at the workshop is to stay at the workshop, and she is not to bring the problems home. She is to be responsible and do her chores here at home.
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I'm going to have to get through the anger so I can relate to her in constructive ways about home life. Therapist gives the relationship 48 hours. I hope she's right. We talked about how Daughter is looking more and more like she has Borderline Personality Disorder. Therapist tried to convince me it's not that bad a diagnosis. She still has some work to do before I'm going to believe it.
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I hope I will still have a tongue by Sunday. I am afraid I may have bitten most of it off by then. The one good thing is that Daughter is going back to the workshop full time, beginning tomorrow. If I'd had a lunch packed for her, I would have dropped her off today. There's no point trying to protect her from something she wants. Having her gone 40 hours a week should lessen my stress level significantly.
4 comments:
Your poor tongue will probably bleed (or not), and it will grow cankuses based on rubbing it on your teeth.
Hooray for open hours!
The first symptom of Borderline Personality Disorder - the one which everybody knows - is "fears of real or imagined abandonment".*
(More properly: "frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment" which I shorten into "fear" because of the initial letters. A mnemonic).
(The other one which "everybody knows" is the self-injury/self-harm aspect).
It is so empowering when survivors use their voices.
Loving the concept of "voice in" and "voice out". It is just like the theatre where entrances and exits are clearly marked.
(Theatre: setting and conventions. Drama: characters and plot).
And there are mood components (there is a reason Europeans call it Emotional Dysregulation Disorder) and identity components.
Hopefully Therapist is aware of the relevant changes which may be involved in the DSM-V, if she intends to see Daughter for the next 3 years.
(The reviews come out in 2 weeks: April 20th is the final date).
DSM V-- that makes me feel very old. When I was taking counseling courses in seminary, everyone was excited about the DSM III-R, which had just been released.
I hope that in less than 3 years we will be moved and she will be seeing a new therapist. I will seek one out with expertise in borderline when we do move. That said, I will certainly miss Therapist, who has been wonderful with both of us.
That's bad news about Flasher.
What does "being his girlfriend" mean to you daughter? I suspect she thinks of the relationship on the level of a fifth grader: she has a guy to sit next to and eat lunch with and that makes her one of the cool kids.
It's a shame that she dumped Nice Guy.
I think you're right about Daughter's definition of "being his girl friend." The problem comes in that the guys she's choosing have all been sexually active in prior relationships and expect it from Daughter. As soon as the relationship gets the least bit physical-- she freaks out.
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