My Meltdown

Daughter's blood sugars have been running low. I've been gradually reducing her insulin as I try to eliminate the lows. I've been concerned, because I know she's into extra food. I can't figure out why she's running low if she's into extra food. I've wondered if she could have gotten a hold of some insulin, though I'm really careful about keeping the insulin in a locked box in the refrigerator.

.

Yesterday I discovered two empty food containers upstairs in the tv room. She had them hidden in a foot locker that I use to store old video tapes. She had jammed so much stuff in there (a number of her clean clothes that she didn't want to hang up were also crammed in there-- I was watching the floor of her closet, so she had to find a new hiding space) that she could no longer close the lid. That's how I found it.

.

When she got home from the workshop today, her blood sugar was in the 60's, which is too low. It shouldn't have been that low, especially since she was a little high at lunch. She ate a few glucose tabs, and then I gave her some banana bread I'd made yesterday to use up some over ripe bananas. She'd has some banana bread for breakfast, and she was delighted when I gave her more to cover the low. She went upstairs to do her work. I went into the kitchen a few minutes later, and the banana bread was missing. There wasn't much left, but I knew where it had been, and it was missing.

.

I went upstairs, and she was sleeping (her blood sugar was high, so of course she was sleepy). I demanded to know what she'd done with the banana bread. She'd eaten it all and put the empty container on top of the refrigerator. She knew I was unhappy.

.

So a little later she comes downstairs and tells me how sorry she is and tells me she's trying to show me respect and do what she's supposed to do. Of course, she hasn't taken care of the recycling that needs to go out tonight, or the dirty clothes she's dumped on her bedroom floor, or finished hanging up the clothes I'd discovered yesterday. I told her she at least had to get the recycling out.

.

Finally she began to move to do that. I went to the kitchen to unlock the lock box and get her night time insulin out, still worrying about the mystery of her blood sugars. I was pondering again the possibility she had somehow managed to get some insulin. I walked into the kitchen, and discovered a whole bag of Do.ritos was missing. I lost it. I yelled at her. I told her I was trying so hard to keep her safe and I couldn't, because she was working against me. I wanted to hit her, but I didn't. I told her to get away from me, I couldn't deal with her right then.

.

I over reacted. I reacted out of my fear. It's possible that her eating is what has been keeping her safe at night. There is this problem people with diabetes have called, "dead in bed syndrome." Basically, a parent goes in in the morning and discovers their child has died during the night. The theory is that the blood sugar drops too low overnight, the individual doesn't wake up, and ends up dying. It's the fear of every parent of a someone with diabetes.

.

It is impossible to figure out her insulin needs when I don't know what she has eaten. Impossible. And a mistake could kill her. She says she doesn't have any other food upstairs. Of course, less than an hour before I discovered the missing chips, she'd given me this heart felt apology and told me that she was trying to show me respect and cooperate. I can't keep her safe. I can't keep her away from Flasher. I can't keep her away from food. She will always find a way. If she can't get at food here, she'll go steal it from the church, or buy it from the vending machine in town. My number one priority has always been her safety. But I can't keep her safe from herself. She wins. Of course, ultimately that means she loses.