Guilt

When Daughter gets down in her hole, she feels guilty, and the guilt becomes crippling to her. She doesn't think she deserves to be happy. So, for the most part, I'm careful not to add to her guilt. I seek to issue invitations to her to get out of her hole. So, yesterday she came home and I asked her how her day had been. She studied me, trying to figure out how much I knew. I suggested it would be simpler if she just told me the truth. She stormed off, refusing to tell me anything.

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After sleeping in her room for several hours, she came down for supper. I asked her when she was going to become a contributing part of the household again. She told me she couldn't answer that. She sat and watched as I did her chore of emptying the dishwasher. She ate supper. I asked her if she knew anything about some cookies that were missing from the church freezer. She didn't respond, but I could tell she was responsible. "Where's the container?"

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"Upstairs."

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"Go get it."

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She brought it down and I told her that she would have to write a letter apologizing to the woman who had left the leftover cookies from a dinner in the freezer to use at some later event.

She came and sat by me in the study. I again invited her to tell me about her day, and told her I already knew about much of it. She got mad and decided to call Psychiatrist so she could go back to the hospital. I told her Psychiatrist's office was closed.

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She returned to her room to sleep some more. I called her down to get her night time pills and insulin. Again I asked her when she thought she'd be ready to turn it around. Again she refused to answer.

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This morning I made her eat her breakfast in the living room where I was doing my exercise. I again asked if she thought she might become a contributing member of the household. Now keep in mind, I ask these questions once-- seeking information. No lectures, no yelling, just a simple question.

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Before she left she told me I needed to get off her back. I pointed out to her that I wasn't on her back. I wasn't telling her what to do. I wasn't yelling at her for not doing things. I wasn't doing any more than asking her when she was going to turn things around. I told her all those bad feelings were coming from her own feelings of guilt, not me. I told her I hoped she'd turn it around. I reminded her that I love her. She informed me I shouldn't. I told her she couldn't change the fact that I love her. When I tried to hug her, she pushed me away. The attention she was lavishing on Kitten prompted the exchange I posted earlier today.

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She called me a little while ago. It was her first call of the day, which surprised me. She had a low blood sugar this morning. Her blood sugars were normal now, but she wasn't feeling good. She wanted to know if I could come get her. I told her I was glad her blood sugars were now normal, and that unfortunately, I didn't have time. I was very busy, and the fact that I was having to cover her chores, too, was eating into my time. I told her I was sure that she would be fine, and that once she decided to do her work, I'd have more time and would be able to do things like coming to get her. My response probably added to her guilt, but it was an honest answer. I don't have an extra hour today to go get her. I have a worship service tonight and things I have to get done this afternoon.

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I hope for both of our sakes she decides to get out of her hole soon. If she's not in her bedroom or at the workshop right now, she has to be where I can see her, as she has become too adept at sneaking food. Today is her last day at the workshop until Tuesday. It could be a very long 4 days....