Grrrrr

I checked my spam folder a little while ago, and discovered 6 receipts for itunes purchases from yesterday. I haven't been on itunes for several days, and Daughter doesn't have access to the account, though I did check with her just to make sure. The total of the purchases is over $250. The charges are still pending, so I can't dispute them. I did contact itunes customer service-- they don't have a category for fraudulent charges. I also went into my account and removed my credit card information.

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Daughter continues to do well with her recovery. Her blood sugars have been good, and she had mashed potatoes for supper a little while ago. After her second pain pill, she complained that she felt drugged. I think we'll see if she can get by with just ibuprofen....

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They're Gone

We left the house a little after 6:15, and got home a little after 1:00, and the wisdom teeth are now history. I probably shouldn't say this, but Daughter is doing much better than I anticipated. She drank a fruit smoothie on the way home, and once I gave her a pain pill and frozen beans to hold on her face, stopped moaning about the pain. Amazingly, she was awake most of the way home. She's walking and moving around fine, too.

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She's upstairs watching TV right now. I hope her recovery continues to go smoothly. Unless there is a problem, we don't need to go back. That is good news. She was worrying again, and I reminded her how worried she'd been about my scope on Monday, and how well that had gone-- I suggested that it would be the same with her wisdom teeth. That seemed to help her put things into perspective.

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When they came to the waiting room to get her, she was sitting on the floor leaning against my legs and moving to the music on her ipod. I am very relieved that it is over.

Aftermath

Daughter didn't sleep well after the incident at the park yesterday. She was up at 3:00 this morning, and was bouncing on my bed before 6:00. I told her she couldn't bother me until 6:15, and she actually waited until 6:30 to bug me again. She seems to be slightly manic right now. She was cleaning the 2 pounds of strawberries I bought and had 6 cans of fruit and a bag of apples out to make fruit salad when I came downstairs. I told her that was a bit much, so she added one can of pineapple and one can of peaches. We had some with our supper, and I'm going to throw some in the blender and freeze it in ice cube trays. It will be something she can have after she has her wisdom teeth pulled tomorrow morning.

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Pregnant Best Friend gave birth Sunday evening, which I guess makes her Mommy Best Friend. Daughter found out this morning and of course she wanted to go visit right away. I dropped her off at the hospital for about 15 minutes while I ran to the grocery store. That satisfied her. MBF is going home tomorrow. I think I'm glad Daughter won't be around to hear about the drama for the first week or so.

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I'm tired this evening-- I spent 2 hours at the hospital with the family of a woman who had a seizure a couple of weeks ago. When they got her to the ER, they discovered she was full of cancer. She's been on a ventilator ever since. A relative of the woman is a member of the church, and asked me to go visit. I did. I was meeting the husband and daughter for the first time. It was exhausting. They were grateful for my visit. I hope it was helpful.

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I don't think my esophagus is staying stretched. I felt like things were getting stuck at lunch and supper today.

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I'm tired, and I'm rambling. I think I'll go to bed early tonight. I want to be on the road at 6:15 tomorrow morning for Daughter's 8:15 surgery. It will be another long day....

PTSD

When Daughter was very young, maybe 18 months old, she witnessed a knife fight between her older brothers. When she told me the story, I was skeptical, but she confronted her birth mother with the story when she was 6 or 7, she confirmed that it had happened. She was shocked Daughter remembered it, because she had been so young.

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Today Daughter walked over to the park in Tiny Village. Nice Guy and some friends were going to join her there. Some local hooligans showed up and one was showing off with a knife. Daughter began to panic. Her friends arrived, and they played some basketball. The village druggie showed up. There was a confrontation. Daughter sent two young boys who were there home and came home, hysterical, talking about knives and guns and a big fight. I finally got enough info out of her to call 911. They called back twice for more details, and sent all the deputies in the county and a cop from a neighboring community in this direction. They recognized the names of the individuals involved (so much for life in the country being crime free).

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Half the village has scanners, so all these pick-up trucks started doing a circuit around the park and the church. The mother of a couple of the boys got to park before the cops and diffused things. The deputy came and talked to Daughter, and handled her beautiful. She acknowledged there may not have been a gun, but he had already confiscated the knife. I told her she had PTSD and was Developmentally Handicapped. He assured her she'd done the right thing and kept people safe. C and her mom showed up, sent by a family member who saw lots of cops in town and one at my house. They took Daughter into the house to calm her down with a cool washcloth to the face while I thanked the deputy. I told him Daughter was also afraid of uniforms and he had handled her beautifully.

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She was lost in her PTSD, and I emphasized repeatedly how when she was 18 months old, she was too little to keep herself safe, but now she had a voice and had kept not only herself safe but others as well. I told her how proud I was and how proud Therapist would be of her.

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She's calmed down, but is sticking close to me. I anticipate problems at bedtime. Oh, and I've realized that I am tired. The scope did take something out of me. I find myself wondering how much stress contributed to all that scar tissue. Hopefully by tomorrow I'll be fine. Hopefully. I know Daughter will be glad to get back to the gift shop. Then she'll be home for the rest of the week as she recovers from her wisdom teeth. Next week we'll be gone. I hope the rest of this week is quieter. Enough drama.

Dr. Hairy Ears

That's what my friend, C, and I are calling the doctor who scoped my stomach this morning. Both of us were amazed by the amount of black hair he had growing out of his ears. I had lots of scar tissue in my esophagus. Think I'm good at ignoring my own physical needs? He stretched it some, but was not able to stretch it as much as he'd have liked to because of the amount of scar tissue there. I go back at the end of August to see if it has helped. I can already answer that-- it's helped. It was much easier to take my pills when I got home. My throat is sore, but other than that I feel great.

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I'll get a letter with the results of the biopsies he did in a couple of weeks. I understand I was out of it at first, but my recovery has been quick. One of the nurses suggested I wait until I got home to eat, as many people throw up the first time they eat. By the time we got to my favorite deli, I decided that rather than having C and Daughter go in and get food to go, I was going to try to eat. We did sit near the bathroom, but I was fine. I had half my sandwich, chips, and iced tea. C wouldn't let me get my favorite tomato soup, but she didn't object to the caffeine, which was generous of her. He said I could go back to some of those things in moderation.

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I suspect I'm off the ibuprofen permanently. I'll have to adjust to Tylenol and some level of pain, I guess. I also have a hiatal hernia. At least Dr. Hairy Ears didn't tell me my problems were the result of aging. (Maybe he figured I already knew that.) We made it through our first medical procedure, now we await the big event: Daughter's wisdom teeth extraction on Wednesday.

Sunday Afternoon

This afternoon we went to Town. The hospital was having an open house for their new Emergency Room, which opens at 5:00 tomorrow morning. I had my paycheck to deposit, there were prescriptions for Daughter waiting at the pharmacy, I needed gas, and I wanted to get some things from the grocery store. Since it was over 90, we ended at the grocery store. I wanted to minimize the time the milk sat in the hot car.

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As we headed back toward Tiny Village, I felt the urge to call a woman who had her second surgery in two weeks on Friday. It was supposed to be outpatient and was supposed to fix a problem the first surgery created. I was at the hospital before her surgery and waited with her husband through part of the surgery.

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So I called her cell phone, and she sounded terrible. She's still in the hospital, and they're talking about a third surgery this evening. I turned around and headed back to the hospital. Daughter transferred the cold stuff to the insulated bag we keep in the car while I went up to the floor. Daughter was supposed to wait in the lobby, but instead she decided she needed to give me back the keys right away and she also wanted me to know it was raining, so she came up to the floor. Of course, it didn't work. I thanked her for the keys and sent her back downstairs. The woman I was visiting was amused. We had a good visit. I'll call her tomorrow, but won't be able to visit again until Tuesday because I won't be able to drive after my scope tomorrow morning.

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I'm glad I listened to the urge to call and check on her. One trip to town, 6 items checked off the to do list. A pretty good afternoon. Daughter is being cooperative this afternoon. That makes it a very good afternoon.

Welcoming Visitors

Today was our VBS program. It is always the biggest attendance of the summer, and there are always a number of visitors who come to it. The last few years we've had it in the basement-- it's cooler, and it's all decorated from the week. I checked our attendance the last few years on VBS Sunday, and told them we'd need to set up for at least 100 people.

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I went over there today, and there were chairs set up for 80 people. 80. For visitors to feel welcome, they have to know that they are expected and that there is a place for them. The planners couldn't understand why I insisted they set up more chairs. They suggested we just wait and bring them out if they were needed. I insisted, and they brought out more chairs. We ended up having 125 people present today.

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This congregation really has a difficult time doing the things that make the church welcoming to visitors. They arrive early so that they can sit in the back pews. Visitors are forced to come up front. Sometimes I feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall. Part of the issue is that most of the people grew up in the church. They've never had the experience of being a first time visitor, so they don't understand how it feels.

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However, I need to shift my attention and focus on the fact that the kids did a great job and the program went well. The visitors were very complimentary of the program and my meditation on what it means to follow Jesus and what we need to do to teach our children to follow Christ. I'll focus on those things, and hope that eventually some of the things I've been saying for the past 14 years will sink in. If I can hold onto hope for Daughter, I can hold onto hope for the church.

Nice Guy

Nice Guy just left. He left at 10:35. He's lucky, because he learned a very important lesson tonight. At least, I hope he did. Daughter called him earlier this evening, and he was crying and hysterical. She came in and told me he was coming over, because he needed to talk to me.

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He had been with some new friends earlier today, and one of the girls was going to call the police on him. If he's telling me the truth (and I think he is), he picked up a 13 year old girl who was walking along the side of the road. They became friends, and she introduced him to a 15 year old girl that he could date. He met her today, with other girls present. He swears he didn't touch her and was never alone with her. I hope he's telling the truth. I told him he is not to be friends with or talk to women who are under 20 (he's 22). I assured him that if he was telling the truth, he didn't have anything to fear if the girl did call the police, because he didn't do anything illegal, but that it was stupid to even think of dating a 15 year old.

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I hope he learned from this. I hope he took this as a strong warning. I told him it was a gift. Their friend was found competent to stand trial recently, I saw it in the paper. He was sexting a 13 year old. I find myself wondering whether the workshop is explaining to these young men the dangers of being involved with minors. If they aren't, I think they should be, because there is entirely too much of it going on. I explained to Nice Guy that teenage girls were excited and flattered to have a 22 year old man paying attention to them, and it isn't safe. He wanted to just stay here a while. By the time he left he was calmer, and I don't think he was as scared. His mom is working tonight, and he was afraid to tell her. I told him to tell her he'd learned an important lesson tonight, and that she wouldn't say anything to him that he hadn't already heard from me.

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Daughter was a good friend to him tonight. I'm proud of her. I'm also tired. She's going to have a hard time getting up in the morning. I'm not looking forward to that battle.

It's not Camping, But...

July 4 Daughter and I head to a conference after worship. The conference ends Friday, and I've been trying to figure out what to do for those extra 2 days. I didn't want to take the all of the camping gear for just 2 nights. We have a large tent, screen house, and various other items that are such that I prefer to camp for at least a week once we go to the work of setting all up. I considered just taking part of it, but didn't like that idea.

Yesterday I got busy and started researching options. I found a lakeside motel on an inland lake far enough north of here that hopefully it won't be too hot. Even if it is hot, we'll have an air conditioned motel room. It's near state parks for hiking (if my knee will handle it) and various historical sites. Daughter, of course, didn't want to do it. Then I showed her the pictures. I wouldn't do it for for a week, but for 2 nights, I'll spend the money.

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Hopefully it will give me the outdoor time I need. I'm looking forward to it.

Three Chances

Daughter was to clean the back porch bathroom tonight. Three times she told me she was done. Three times she hadn't cleaned the floor. She didn't get her computer back tonight. I told her she could try again tomorrow. I also pointed out that she could have cleaned the floor properly three times in less time than she spent avoiding and arguing with my assessment that it wasn't cleaned.

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She anxious tonight. She didn't realize I was having my stomach scoped Monday. She thought her wisdom teeth were coming out July 30, not June 30. She has reason to be anxious. So she's wrapped around my arm right now.

Music

Daughter was up early this morning, and put away the clean dishes without arguing. As she was working in the kitchen, she was singing with her ipod. It was rather disconcerting to hear her singing Christmas songs in June. It was wonderful, though, to hear her so happy. Last night she snuggled up next to me to watch some TV. I find myself wondering if that is what made the difference this morning. It would be nice if I could figure out what enables her to suddenly turn things around and be happy and cooperative.

The Gift of the Moment

I was talking to a member on the phone yesterday. She had surgery recently, and is now dealing with a painful, annoying complication. She said she kept praying for God to take away the pain and help her get beyond this. I asked her what there is for her to learn in this. That slowed her down and got her thinking. By the end of our conversation, she expressed regret that she'd waited so long to call me.

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The conversation made me start pondering the number of times we miss the gift/lesson of the moment because we're in such a hurry to move beyond it. Since the end of January I've been anxiously awaiting the day when this round of bed wetting is over. Yet what have I learned in it? I've been reminded, again, that I cannot control Daughter. She is going to make decisions that are bad for her and annoying for me, and I can't stop it. I have been reminded, again, that she is not her behavior. I love her-- even when she's wetting the bed every night.

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I think about this long wait for a call to a new position. What have I learned in this time of waiting? I have learned to live in expectation while being present in the moment. While I wait, I need to be present and engaged in ministry with these people at this time. I need to continued to learn the lessons there are for me here, even though I know that I may not be here for all the plans that are currently being made. I have 2 weddings on the calendar that I hope will be done by someone else following my departure. For now, though, I am here and will engage with these people in their plans.

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I continue to learn how to juggle multiple priorities. Today I moved Daughter's appointment with Psychiatrist. I can do PT and get my stomach scoped on Monday, but then going 50 miles to Big City for Psychiatrist would be too much. She's not going to make any changes while Daughter is stressed out because of the impending oral surgery, anyway.

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I am learning how to plan for continuity if I get called away. I am teaching a course on Revelation at a conference soon. I'm preparing it in such a way that someone else can step in to teach it if Daughter stages a crisis to pull me away from the course.

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Too often we endure our lives while we wait for the thing that is going to make life perfect. I hope that the woman I spoke with yesterday is experiencing the gift of the moment. My words to her have certainly been cause for fruitful reflection in my life. That's the way ministry works sometimes.

Victory!

This morning Daughter got up before I did. When she heard me up and moving, she said, "I'm making it up to you by making breakfast." I told her to stop. I came downstairs to find her pouting. I explained to her that I didn't want her making a mess in the kitchen until she showed she could be responsible about cleaning. I explained I don't have time to clean up her mess when I'm forced to do her other chores.

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She apologized and promised to turn it around this evening. I suggested she had a task she could do before she left. She refused, and went out to wait for the bus 40 minutes early. Shortly after lunch she called, and apologized again, promising to do a better job. Then she told me she wanted me to come pick her up, because she was having issues with a friend. I thanked her for the apology and told her I had confidence in her ability to make it through the rest of the day.

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I checked her bedroom today, and discovered that at some point she had managed to get my old laptop up into her bedroom. She's not allowed to take it upstairs. I confiscated it. The rest of her room was okay. When she got home, she went right to work. She even used cleaner on the hardwood floors in the downstairs hall. I fixed one of her summer favorites for supper. She is frustrated because I haven't let her turn on the TV yet, but she is being responsible, and was even honest about having gotten into some food. It looks like I won this time. I'm sure she won't give me much time to savor the victory.

Miscalculating

Daughter miscalculated tonight. She hid in her room all evening, avoiding work, and than 30 minutes past her normal bedtime, came downstairs to offer me a heart felt apology. "I'm really, really sorry for being such a jerk."
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"What are you going to do about it?"
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"I promise that I'll turn things around and have a better attitude tomorrow evening."
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"I think you need to start tonight. Go unpack that suitcase."
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She crossed her arms, the attitude returning. "I don't have time."
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"I say you do. Go empty it. I'm tired of you coming down at the end of the day and saying you'll do better tomorrow. You can start right now."
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She was not happy to find that her work avoidance strategy had failed, but she finally emptied the suitcase she's been avoiding since Sunday evening. At least, I think she did. I haven't been up to inspect.

Waiting

Daughter is anxious about the upcoming removal of her wisdom teeth. It's going to be a very long week as we wait for the date to arrive. This morning she called telling me she couldn't take it and her mouth was hurting too much and I had to come get her. Sub was there, not Super Supervisor. I told her she needed to focus on other things and find something to keep her busy.

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When she came home (she lasted through the day), she told me she needed to get out of there and go back to Adult Daycare. She was reprimanded for the high heeled sandals she was wearing when she wandered into the workshop to wait for the bus home. They have to wear close toed shoes at the workshop. She was mad at me for pointing out that the rules still apply to her when she's at the workshop.

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So she's sleeping. She got up off the couch, looked at the chore list I offered, and stormed upstairs to sleep in her bed. The real issue: she's terrified of the upcoming dental procedure. I'm not looking forward to it, either. Daughter doesn't wait well. It will be a long week.

The Tic Is Back

I am remembering why it is that I don't deal with my own medical needs. We spent 4 1/2 hours on the oral surgeon today, and she'll go back on the 30th to get all 4 wisdom teeth pulled. Insurance should pay for 2 of the 4 (and the 2 most expensive at that). I'm supposed to be going to PT 3 times a week. I'm trying to schedule that at 8:00 in the morning to minimize the disruption of my work day. That means I need to drag Daughter with me, have her sit in the waiting room, and then drop her off at the gift shop. Monday I will do PT at 8:00, have my stomach scoped at 11:00, and then drive Daughter to Big City to see Psychiatrist at 3:00. The schedule is going to be exceedingly tight: PT is 11 miles west, scope is 21 miles east, Psychiatrist is 45 miles west. I won't be able to drive, so that will make it more challenging. If I could get her rescheduled before mid-July, I'd probably cancel the appointment with Psychiatrist. I could probably reschedule my scope, but I hate to do it on a work day, and if it will be the middle of July before I can get another appointment because of our travel schedule.

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I also have PT scheduled for Wednesday next week. That will have to be cancelled, as Daughter is getting her wisdom teeth out at 8:15 that morning. That will probably take the entire day. We'll have to leave home at 6:15 to make sure we're there on time. She will be asleep for the procedure. You add those meds to her others, and it will be a while before I can safely maneuver her to the car for the long drive home. Managing her blood sugar could be a challenge, too.

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I'll see about rescheduling the PT for Tuesday, since I doubt I'm going to be able to get very far from home on Thursday. Daughter does not do well with pain, and she can't handle narcotic pain medication. I anticipate her being a Clingon. A very demanding, annoying Clingon. She'll want full body contact with me, and it's too hot and humid for that, even with air conditioning.

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She is also seeing Therapist weekly right now, so I'll have to fit that into the schedule as well. I have a full time job. I mean a full time job in addition to being Daughter's mom. I still have orders for a hearing test and mammogram for me. I don't think I'll try to schedule them right now. Yes, the tic is back....

A Busy Day

We begin the morning by heading west for my PT at 8:00. I will drop Daughter at the gift shop following PT, and head north for an oil change. I'll go hang out in a fast food establishment and work on the Bible study I'm teaching in a couple of weeks while they change the oil in my car. After fast food lunch, I'll go pick up Daughter and drive 2 hours northeast to take her to the oral surgeon for the consult. It will be a long day, but it will be good to get the oil change and oral surgeon consult behind us.

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Daughter got up twice during the night to go to the bathroom. She is so proud of herself for being dry. I hope that will continue now. I always hope. Eventually she will put the bed wetting behind her-- at least this round of it. I suspect it will always be a problem during times of extreme stress.

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It's a beautiful, sunny day, and life is good. If I stay here in Tiny Village or move, life is good. The church I interviewed with is in a state capital. I think that's what I'll call it, State Capital. Hopefully I'll be using that a lot in the future.

Home

We arrived home about 5:30 this evening. Worship this morning went well. The committee loved my sermon and some of the things I had written. Sister came and sat with Daughter, and then took her out for lunch and shopping. The committee and I went out for a wonderful brunch together. It was a very relaxed meal. I feel very comfortable with these people.

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When we parted company, I joined Sister and Daughter at the mall, and after our visit, headed home. It was a good weekend. I'm excited by the possibilities. I'm also very tired. Tomorrow is the start of a very full week. I should hear on this position within a month or so. I promised to hold them in my prayers as they seek to find the individual God is calling to be their pastor. Selfishly, I hope it's me. Faithfully, I trust God to know what is best.

The Eleven and a Half Hour Interview

We were picked up at 8:30 this morning, and got back to the motel at 8:00 this evening. It was a wonderful day. We met with the judicatory people this morning at 9:00. They cleared me for this church with no concerns or reservations. Then we went to lunch, and to the church for the formal interview. It was long, and I had a blast, sharing my perspectives and ideas. From there we had a tour of the church and community. I was impressed with both.

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Then tonight we went out for a wonderful dinner in an old building that had been renovated and repurposed. I'm tired tonight, but I was energized all day. I like these people and this place.

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Daughter has done very well. It was a long, boring, day for her, and she was a champ. Tomorrow morning starts at 8:00. I meet them at the church, and the one committee member who was not there today will ride with us to my friend's church. After worship, we'll all go out to eat. It will be fun. Sister may drive over for the morning. She may even bring Short Niece with her. It would be great to see them.

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After worship and lunch, we will head back to Tiny Village. I should hear from the church within the next month. If the call is offered, I will jump all over it. I hope it does come, but I know that God will call me to the right place at the right time. So if it doesn't come, I will know that this was not the right place for us. Hopefully, that means I won't get depressed if the call doesn't come.

The Motel

We arrived at our friends' home yesterday evening about 5:00. We went out to eat and then to an outdoor concert that featured a brass band. It was a beautiful evening, and we thoroughly enjoyed it. Today we went to see Toy Story 3, and then went for ice cream. My friend and I spent a little time talking about Sunday's service, since it will be at the church she serves as pastor.

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Then we loaded up the car and drove about 45 minutes to our motel. I haven't lived within 45 minutes of my friend since we were in seminary together, and that was over 25 years ago. It would be wonderful to be this close!

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When we arrived here, there was a gift basket of local delicacies waiting for us-- and it included sugar free candy and no sugar added apple butter. Daughter's face lit up. "They know I'm a diabetic! They thought about me!" I was up too late last night, so it will be an early night tonight. They are picking us up at 8:30, and our first interview is at 9:00. It will be a full day. I'm looking forward to finally meeting these good people who were so thoughtful in the gift basket they provided us.

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Yesterday I had an email from a church in a distant state wondering if I was still available and interested in their position. I hope I'm not. I hope that I'm going to be planning a move soon. I need to remember that God will provide the right place at the right time.

Packing

This afternoon we will leave to go visit some friends before heading to the community where I have an interview. The interview starts Saturday, and will conclude Sunday afternoon. They have made motel reservations for us for Friday and Saturday nights. I told Daughter about the interview during her appointment with Therapist yesterday evening. Interestingly, Daughter had already figured it out. Amazing what she can and can't figure out with her IQ of 68.

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She really wants to move. Therapist spelled out quite clearly what her role was this weekend. During the formal interview Saturday morning, Daughter will be entertaining herself in another room or the hall. Therapist told her she could call me and interrupt the interview. Daughter didn't know if she could do that. Therapist told her she has to call Therapist before she calls me. Therapist realizes she has just guaranteed that Daughter will call her Saturday morning, and she's okay with that. We're very fortunate to have Therapist.

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I'm getting excited, and confess that I'm a little bit anxious. I know that God will call me to the right place at the right time just as God did with my first two calls. It would be nice if I knew where and when that would be, but that's not the way faith works. This church would be challenging, but there is so much about it that I like, from their commitment to mission to their embrace of new styles of worship. Their interim pastor has done excellent work helping them heal from past conflicts. For those of you who pray, I'd ask that you pray that God's will would be done and that Daughter and I would experience peace this weekend.

Wisdom Teeth

Probably 5 years ago the dentist told me I needed to get Daughter's wisdom teeth pulled. He also told me that he didn't know anyone who would take her medicaid. Over the years I have attempted to find someone several times, but have always given up. About a week ago Daughter began to complain about her wisdom teeth again. They are only partially through her gums, and once again, the gums are red and irritated. I told her I'd try again to find an oral surgeon. I started by calling the state help line for medicaid. They told me there wasn't anyone in my county. They gave me names and numbers of people in nearby counties.

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I began making phone calls. Many wouldn't take medicaid. Some would take medicaid from people who lived in their county, but not people outside of it. Because she has medicaid, if they accept any medicaid at all, they can't treat her and take money for it. My insurance may cover the extractions, but again, because she has secondary coverage that is medicaid, they refuse to see her.

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I found one who didn't take any medicaid, so that wasn't a problem, but they didn't take my insurance. I finally found one 2 hours away who takes my insurance and doesn't take any medicaid. We have an appointment for Monday afternoon for x-rays and consult. Hopefully he'll be able to tell me if my insurance will cover it. If not, I guess I'll find the money to pay for it out of pocket. It took 2 calls to the state (yes, I had to wait on hold), many phone calls to oral surgeons around the region, and most of my morning, but I found one.

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Medicaid is supposed to assure that Daughter always has access to medical care. Instead, it has become a barrier. I go on this rant about once a year. It doesn't change anything, but it makes me feel better. Hopefully we'll be able to get Daughter's wisdom teeth removed and the process will be fairly easy, or as easy as it can be for a type 1 diabetic who can't handle narcotic pain killers and has to travel 2 hours to get to the oral surgeon.

Improvement

Yesterday was a much better evening. I pointed out some things Daughter hadn't done properly on her chores, she stormed upstairs, yelling about how I was calling her a failure, and was back down within 5 minutes to do the tasks properly. I complimented her on turning her attitude around, and she said, "And it didn't even take me very long!" She even acknowledged later that I had pointed out things she had not done the first time.

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So what's the difference? I'm not going to have surgery on my knee. The thought of me having surgery was terrifying for her. Maybe, just maybe, she'll be able to hold it together this weekend. That would be nice. The tic is gone this morning, for which I'm very grateful.

The Tic

I have a tic in my left eye. It's been bad for the last week or so. It is caused by stress. I am a very laid back individual. I don't get stressed very often, and the tic is quite unusual. It's better tonight, probably because Daughter came home in a good mood and is having a better evening. I realized today that right now my life revolves around avoiding anything that would cause Daughter to escalate.

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This weekend I have an interview, and I have been pondering how best to deal with it with Daughter. She doesn't know about it yet. I considered arranging respite, but the respite providers have been so uneven, and it could quickly become a disaster. Her anxiety level would be sky high with me gone, and she'd be suspicious as to why I was gone. If I was honest and told her it was for an interview, her anxiety level would reach at least to the moon. I could see her calling me constantly, and if she got mad, doing something to get herself into the hospital. She's managed to convince others she needs to be in the hospital twice this year. Either one of those scenarios would sabotage my chances of getting this call. Minimum wage workers cannot be expected to handle her mental health issues when her anxiety is that high.

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So I decided I need to take her with me. There are advantages to this. She is still anxious, but because she knows what's going on, it's not quite as high. The committee will be able to see how I function and balance her needs with other responsibilities. I will get to see how the committee responds to her. She is capable of entertaining herself outside of the meetings. As long as she knows where I am and what I'm doing, she doesn't need to be right next to me. I've already talked to this committee about Daughter and her needs and how I juggle parenting and ministry.

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So this afternoon Sister called. She wanted to know if I was ready for the weekend. I don't remember how it came up, but she found out Daughter would be with me for the interview. She had a fit. She wants me to leave Daughter with the friend we'll be visiting Thursday night and Friday. I told her I wouldn't do that, and explained why. She kept pushing and pushing. I finally said, "My own sisters are afraid to keep Daughter, how can I ask a friend to keep her for two nights?" She backed down, and insisted she thought I was just talking about a couple of hours, and pointed out that she's been willing to keep Daughter for a couple of hours in the past. She didn't offer this time, though, and we will be within an hour of her.

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Then she started in on Psychiatrist and how I need to make her fix Daughter. I told her she could take me for my scope and Daughter for her Psychiatrist's appointment that afternoon. She's going to check her calendar and see if her ex-mother-in-law would keep Short Niece. She's not sure she has enough miles left on her lease to do it (it would be about 350 miles round trip). She'd have to come down that morning and go back that night. She'd love to give Psychiatrist a piece of her mind. I notice it's not a problem for me to dump Daughter on a friend, but she won't bring her daughter or spend the night with us. The tic was bad by the time I finished our phone conversation.

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I tried to change the Psychiatrist appointment today, but it would be pushed way back. I think tomorrow I'll call and see about rescheduling my scope. I think keeping Daughter's appointment with Psychiatrist is more important for my stomach's health than the scope at this point. Hopefully I won't have to push it back too far if I do reschedule.

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I took Daughter to a strawberry festival sponsored by a friend's church for supper tonight. While we were eating, Far Away Sister called. We were in a noisy cafeteria, so I told her I'd call her back in a little bit. I couldn't help but wonder if Sister had called her and told her to call and make me figure out something else for Daughter during the interview, but Far Away Sister didn't bring it up when I called her back.

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I am very much aware that the stress with Daughter is taking a toll on my health. I was going to schedule respite for this week, but realized that would lead her to escalate, too, and she'd be punishing me when I was trying to make a good impression with the committee this weekend. I find myself wondering how a move would go with her present state of mental health. Thinking about that causes the tic to start going. So I'm not going to worry about it. If God gives me the call, God will help with the transition.

Concrete Thinking

I had an interesting discussion with Daughter yesterday morning. She claimed she was dry. I asked her to bring down her de.pends to prove it. She did, and it was soaked. I pointed this out. She protested, saying the bed wasn't wet. I said that meant the De.pends had soaked up all the urine, not that she hadn't wet herself.

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At bedtime last night, the issue came up again. "I didn't wet last night!."

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"Yes, you did. Your de.pends was soaked."

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"But my bed wasn't wet!"

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"Tonight I want you to get up and go to the bathroom so your de.pends isn't wet either."

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This morning her de.pends was dry. She's wearing her new outfit and talking about how much she loves the colors. She pointed out that she had a headband and bands that matched it. She's singing "Lord of the Dance" as she gets ready to leave. Maybe today will be a better day. The morning already has been better.

Grace

I was getting some new capri pants for myself today, and bought a pair for Daughter. She has been asking for new clothes, and I have been pointing out that she doesn't need them and challenging her to earn them. I had gotten rid of several pairs of my own last year, and one pair that I had kept was too big for me, which is why I bought new ones for myself. It's a moment of grace. I didn't say anything, I just hung the new outfit in her bedroom. She was delighted.

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She says she had a good day today. Maybe she'll have a good evening tonight. If not, at least she'll have a new outfit to wear tomorrow, and maybe it will remind her that I love her even when she doesn't deserve it. I love her because she's my Daughter, and no matter what she does, she will always be my Daughter.

Growing Old

I have an old knee. Old knees get arthritis. Arthritis hurts. That's the short version of my doctor's appointment today. I'm going to do 4 weeks of PT to see if that helps. Anti-inflammatory medications would be helpful, but since they are suspected of being the source of my stomach issues, I can't take them right now. He could explain the location of my pain. That area shouldn't hurt. Not only am I old, I'm weird. Painful knees is one of the downsides of growing old, but this morning I also was honored by one of the upsides.

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This congregation has deep roots, and people who have moved away often come back for visits. I always welcome them home, because this is still their home base, even when they've lived the majority of their lives elsewhere. There is a young woman, Grad, who has been here numerous times with her parents. Both of her parents grew up in the church. I've spoken to her when she's been here, and watched her grow up. She was 12 or 13 the first time I met her. I've probably seen her less than 30 times, and never have had an extended, sit-down conversation with her.

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Today, I received notification that she'd tagged me in a photo on facebook. I was surprised, as I've never had my picture taken with her, but I followed the link. She graduated from college this weekend. There was a picture of the top of her mortarboard with a bunch of names written on it in white, including my name. The caption read "All the Women in my life who got me to graduation day. Thanks." Wow.

Progress

I have someone who is willing to come stay with Daughter for 30 minutes tomorrow morning while she waits for the bus.

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Daughter and I had a real conversation. She told me she wants attention from me. I pointed out that her actions are pushing me away, and suggested cooperation, honesty, and a request would get her further. She acknowledged that she could have stopped the seizure on Friday. I decided it would be easier to get her to admit that than that she faked the whole thing.

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Of course, by tomorrow morning, she may well have forgotten everything we discussed. For tonight, I'll have hope.

A Dilemma

I have an appointment at 8:30 tomorrow morning with the orthopedic surgeon in City. I'll have to leave about 7:45. When I made the appointment, I thought I could leave Daughter alone for a few minutes until the bus arrived. But right now she's telling me in every way she can not to trust her. Last night she got up during the night, found the keys, and raided the file cabinet where I have my chocolate. Then she lied to me about it. She told me she wasn't in it, and I just looked at her and said, "Bring it back." She pulled out the bag. I said, "The stealing and lying have to stop."

I decided I wanted to eat out today, and that I needed to go the grocery store, so I took her with me. At the restaurant she checked her blood sugar. When I asked what it was, she told me 69. I told her I needed to see the meter. It was 169. I don't want to drag her with me to City. I had planned to stop and pick up a few things on the way home. Right now, I don't want her in the same room with me, let alone in the car and such.

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As we left the restaurant she said, "I have an idea, why don't we make each other's lives hell this summer." I asked what I was doing to make her life hell. She couldn't tell me. I pointed out she was the only one who was making her life hell. She observed that she'd spent most of the summer in the deep hole. I acknowledged that was true, and she was the only one who could get herself out.

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She's doing chores now, hoping to finally pay off the ipod. I'd like to think she was turning it around. But she rallied yesterday evening to become somewhat cooperative, too. Until she started her midnight wanderings. I thought her door alarm was set last night. I may have slept through it, or she may have disarmed it. I'll have to double check tonight. I guess I can look forward to her company when I go to City tomorrow.

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On a brighter note, I was pleased with the way worship went this morning. We had several visitors-- people who grew up in the church and have moved away. In fact, we had 3 different family groups represented. My trial sermon for next Sunday will be on Elijah's burnout. I think I'll be able to relate to that one.

Why Try?

Sometime back I carefully wrapped Daughter's mattress in plastic shower curtains and secured them with packing tape. I have multiple layers of protection on the bed. I have been buying De.pends. She soaks through them, but it minimizes the urine that gets on the linens. So this morning I went up to her room. I really should know better, but I went into her room.

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There was a puddle of urine on the plastic. The plastic had been pulled off at the foot of the bed, and the mattress is again soaked. Apparently she doesn't like wearing De.pends. I have spent many dollars trying to minimize the damage and inconvenience. The damage and inconvenience are the point. I can't win. The house is going to stink of urine. She wins.

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I was going to wash her hair today, but I don't want to be near her right now. She gave me a list this morning. If she completed certain chores she wanted me to take her to the store so she could buy things for making jewelry. Of course, she still hasn't paid off the ipod. I pointed out that she had left it where Kitten could chew up the earphones. She informed me she knew that. Walking helps me when I'm angry, but thanks to my wonderful knee, I can't do much walking right now. Thanks to my stomach issues, I can't take the medication that will relieve my pain.

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Today is one of those days when I wish I had alternatives. I'm on vacation this week, and I'm going to check Monday to see if I can arrange respite for a night or two. I need to get away from her right now. I've been listening to podcasts today. That's helping.

Farming

I am a product of suburbia, and spent my first 10 years of ministry in the inner city. When I arrived here almost 14 years ago, I knew nothing about farming. I've asked lots of questions, and so I know a little bit more now. Many of our members are involved in farming. Most of them also have other sources of income (working wife, second job) but there are still a few who rely totally on farming for their income.

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Farmers tend to sell themselves short-- I occasionally find myself telling one that I am impressed by how much they need to know in how many different areas-- from birthing livestock to repairing heavy equipment. So much of farming is beyond their control-- they are at the mercy of the weather. In our part of the world, they don't irrigate the crops, they wait for rain. This spring has been tough.

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I was driving back from City yesterday on back country roads, and was amazed by what I saw. It has been a very wet spring, so many farmers still haven't been able to get all their beans planted. So I drove by unplanted fields. I drove by fields of corn that were almost knee high (wisdom says it needs to be knee high by the 4th of July). One farmer had anhydrous tanks by each of his corn fields. It should have been applied long ago, but the wet fields have made it impossible to get out there. I also saw a field where the winter wheat had already been harvested. Usually the wheat harvest takes place while I'm gone in July. It's ready early this year. I read an article yesterday that said that the wet weather has resulted in some disease or syndrome or something (I don't remember details) to damage much of the wheat in our area. I don't know if there has ever been a year when the wheat has been ready before all of the crops were planted. I'll have to ask tomorrow.

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The farmers are getting antsy, to say the least. I wouldn't want to be living with one right now as they watch the days go by and worry about when they'll be able to finish up their spring work. I had a long conversation with on of our retired farmers one day. He was telling me he was just a poor dumb farmer and could never be a minister like I was. I told him he was anything but dumb, and I could never be a farmer like he had been. I ended up talking about call and vocation with him, and telling him farming was as much of a call as ministry. Several weeks ago, the adult son of one of our farmers asked him what he'd do if he ever had a year where the weather was perfect. I still remember one of the farmers remarking in Sunday School that heaven must be boring, because since the weather would be perfect there wouldn't be anything to talk about.

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It's raining again today. I find myself comparing my stress to the stress that my farmers are experiencing right now. Once again I'm laundering Daughter's wet linens. I'm contemplating how we'll handle our travels with the ongoing bed wetting. It will be frustrating and inconvenient, but it won't affect our ability to eat or pay the bills this winter. It's important to keep things in perspective....

Escalating

Daughter became unresponsive on the bus this afternoon. The squad was called and she was transported to the ER. Vitals and all labs were normal. I didn't kill her, either. I figured that since she was in the ER, they'd resuscitate her. Plus, there would be witnesses. She was mad at Super Supervisor, and I didn't offer sympathy when she called to complain. I told her she had to work it out with SS. She told the squad not to call me because I was too busy and she isn't worth it. For some reason, I'm tired. It could be a very long weekend.

Rebelling

I went to see the specialist about my GERD today. I'll have a scope done on the 28th. Between now and then, I'm supposed to stop taking my ibuprofen, stop drinking caffeine, avoid tomatoes, chocolate, citrus, elevate the head of my bed, and various other things that make me want to rebel. I find myself wanting all of the things I'm not supposed to have. I want to rebel against all the restrictions. But then I think about the pain in my stomach and think maybe rebellion isn't such a good idea.

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I'm not going to stop the caffeine until Monday, because I anticipate that I will be miserable for a day or two as I go through caffeine withdrawal. I anticipate a very bad headache-- and I won't be able to take ibuprofen to stop it. Maybe I should make up some warning signs to hang around my neck for next Monday and Tuesday....

A Very Brief Celebration

Daughter didn't allow me much time to savor the victory. I had no sooner posted when she came back downstairs announcing she didn't feel good and had to check her blood sugar. Her blood sugar was fine, so she went back upstairs. She was only there a few minutes when she called that she needed me because she'd vomited. I went upstairs to discover that she had put a comforter on her bedroom floor to sleep on, and it was now very disgusting. Not only that, she had managed to get some on the light beige carpet. She'd been drinking red sugar free punch all evening. I think you probably are getting the picture. I've cleaned it three times with spot carpet cleaner and the best I can say is it's no longer bright red.

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I asked why she was on the floor. She didn't know. I went over to her bed, pulling back the sheets so she could get in it. She'd wet the bed. She'd been dry 3 mornings in a row, and yesterday evening while pouting/napping, she wet it. By this time the comforter and rags I'd used to clean the floor were in the washing machine. I got an old towel out of the linen closet and told her to put it over the wet spot and go to bed.

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One of the ways Daughter protected herself when was was being abused/molested was to dissociate. She left her body. By doing that, she avoided feeling the pain. It's amazing what the mind can do to enable someone to endure the unendurable. Amazing. The problem is, her mind did too good a job. She still has trouble interpreting the signals her body sends her. Thus there are still times when I have to explain that the discomfort she is feeling is because she needs to go to the bathroom. She'll argue with me, and then, after she's made use of the facilities, admit I was right.

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She honestly didn't realize that her body was telling her she was going to vomit. She doesn't do it very often, and only knew something wasn't right, so she checked her blood sugar. The ongoing challenges from those first three years continue to amaze me. This morning she was feeling better, so she's off to the gift shop. She was feeling very guilty about last night. I told her several times to use the guilt to motivate herself to make today better. I want another victory to savor.

A Victory

Daughter came home in a good mood, telling me she wanted to go shopping this weekend. I pointed out she didn't have money to go to shopping. We took the chore list that has the value of each job, so she earned $6 yesterday, which is about right. She worked for less than an hour (though spread out over several hours) and then was too tired to do anything else. We figured out the jobs that she could do to finish paying off her ipod debt to me. Then she vanished to her bedroom.

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I finally called her down. She informed me she wasn't going to work today. I told her she at least had to do the cat boxes. She insisted she had-- until I headed upstairs to check, when she started yelling about how I should just trust her and she was sick of me refusing to believe her. I told her to let me know when I could inspect, and I'd get her pills and insulin so she could go to bed.

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About an hour later she reappeared. "I need to talk."

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She went into this long speech about how she was too worried and stressed to do anything. She's worried about me and about Pregnant Best Friend. I reminded her that when she's worried about someone she should pray for them. She informed me that didn't work.

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I laid it out for her. I informed her that she had been frustrated that she didn't have money for shopping, so she had gone up to her room to feel sorry for herself. I told her that now she was looking for reasons to justify not working. I told her it wasn't working. I wasn't going to feel sorry for her. There was nothing anyone could do to fix her worries, it was up to her. She sat silent for a moment, then said, "Fine." She went out to the kitchen and got a bag and went upstairs and cleaned out the cat boxes. She came back downstairs for her pills and insulin. She's in bed.

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Tonight, I won. I identified what was happening and refused to buy into her drama. She listened to what I had to say, and dropped the drama. I held her accountable, and it worked. Of course, that doesn't mean it will work tomorrow, but tonight I will savor my victory.

One Year Ago

It was one year ago today that a phone call told me of my mother's death. My initial reaction was relief. Her suffering was over. Our waiting was over. The stress was lighter almost immediately. Even now there are times when her death doesn't seem real. There are other times when it is hard to remember what it was like to have an able, intelligent, supportive Mom who offered help and advice.

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Traditionally, the grieving time was considered to be one year. I find myself examining my grief today. Does it still have an impact on my life? I think it does, but not in the expected ways. I find that I am feeling very old this week. Part of it is the issues that were identified in last week's doctor's appointment. In addition to the knee and stomach issues, I have osteoarthritis in my hands and my hair is thinning (my hairdresser confirmed my suspicion when I saw her Monday-- we talked about ways to cover the thin areas).

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More than feeling old, though, I'm feeling alone. Over 20 years ago, I had major surgery. My parents took time off work and came to be with me. They took care of me. I find that I'm facing the possibility of surgery again, and I'm alone. I'm not worried about the surgery itself, I have faith and know that God will use it to bring healing. It's more a matter of the logistics. Getting home after the surgery, taking care of Daughter and myself. It's the practical matters that leave me feeling alone. One year later, grief is being alone.

He's Back!

I was outside grilling when Daughter came looking for me. She was crying. "What's wrong?" It took a few minutes before she could talk. "It's about that person you don't like."

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"What's going on with Flasher?"
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"I was talking to Nice Guy and Flasher isn't safe in his home with his family."
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"Why isn't he safe?"
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"He's not allowed to talk to any of his friends or be in sports or anything."
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Of course, she told me again that her life isn't complete without a boyfriend, and that Flasher is her one true love. It took a while, but I finally convinced her that Flasher had probably brought this on himself. At least he won't be contacting her. If he really isn't allowed to do sports, I may let her do softball this year. We'll see.

A Moment of Joy

This morning I had to leave at 6:15 to go get an MRI on my knee. I dragged Daughter along, since I couldn't leave her home alone and I wasn't going to try to find someone to come stay with her that early in the morning. I told her we'd go out for breakfast when I was done, which guaranteed she'd be cooperative. She worried, of course, and thought it took too long. I thought it took to long, too, but for different reasons. If I keep the sore knee straight for any length of time, it hurts. By the time they finished the scan, the whole leg was one giant cramp.

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At the restaurant I told Daughter I had listened to the Nutcracker Suite through the headphones they gave me during the scan. Her face lit up, and she began to sing one of the tunes for me. As I sat there, watching her across the table, it was a moment of pure joy. She was so happy, so beautiful, and I was so grateful that she is my daughter. Moments like that almost make up for the challenges.

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She's home with me today. I decided I'd lost too much of the day to take her into the gift shop after the MRI. She was frustrated, but with some help began focusing on the positive. She's now doing household tasks to earn money to pay off the ipod. This morning was the second day in a row she was dry. I will enjoy these good moments for as long as they last. They help carry me through the challenging times.

At Last!

Blogger has been down for me since yesterday evening. It's good to finally be able to blog. Yesterday afternoon Daughter finally managed to apologize. I thanked her, and told her she needed to show me with her actions. She asked me what she should do. When I responded that she knew what to do, she said, "No, I don't. I'm just a child." I gave her instructions.

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She told me she's afraid I'm going to die. I knew that the possibility of knee surgery would make things difficult for/with her. I told her I was going to live-- unless the stress of her disrespect killed me! She took care of supper last night, and hopefully she'll continue to be helpful.

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She's called me twice today. The first time she wanted to know if I had my knee elevated. The second time she was crying and told me she was scared she was going to lose me. She sees Therapist tonight, so hopefully she will help her sort things out. At least Super Supervisor was at the gift shop today.

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She has been sneaking food again. She can really wear me down after a while. Tomorrow morning I have to go for an MRI bright and early in the morning. I'm taking her with me. I think we'll go out for breakfast after the MRI, and then I'll take her to the gift shop.

"My Mom Told Me I Can't Live Here Any More."

Yesterday Daughter asked me if she'd paid for my ipod yet. I asked her if she'd done any work since the last time we'd figured out how much she still owed me. "No."

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"Then you haven't earned any more money."

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She started talking about selling things to get money. "No, those are things I bought, so you can't sell them for money. Then she decided she was going to get a job in Town. "You need to complete the tasks on the chart so you will be ready for employment in the community."

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Yesterday she was in the dining room working on an art project. "Are you going to do any work today?"

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"What happens if I say no?"

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"There will be no electronics the rest of the day."

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"Fine. I'm not doing any work," and she stormed up to her room.

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I went up a minute later to find her watching her portable DVD player. I confiscated it. Of course, I had no right. I got my clothes out of the dryer and hung them up, and threw hers in a laundry basket.

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She came and got her clothes and took them upstairs. She was back down almost immediately and announced she'd hung them up and put them away. "I don't believe you. You need to at least do 3 things: put your clothes away, make your bed, and get the wet depends and put them in the trash." I have told her she has to take them out to the trash can daily, since I don't want them stinking up the house. Instead she's been hiding them in a wastebasket under the desk upstairs.

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She refused. I finally gave up and gave her her bedtime meds without the work being done because I wanted to go to bed (and because I didn't want to deal with her without the psych meds in her). She told me I was being unreasonable and she was through with me, and called me a b*tch. This final pronouncement was her response to my giving in and giving her her meds without her completing the tasks. I hadn't even said anything, just given her the meds.

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This morning I didn't wake her up. I came back home and went upstairs to get something, and she yelled (angrily) that she was in the kitchen. I informed her I wasn't looking for her and went back to the church.

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She came to worship (dressed appropriately). After worship she tried to engage me. I told her I was done being verbally abused by her. I told her that I deserved respect, and never called her names, so I wasn't going to talk to someone who called me names. So she called Therapist and informed her I was kicking her out of the house.

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It's amazing how she is always the victim.

I Did It

This morning we had a video for the offertory. Some people loved it. Some people were very unhappy about it, but no one complained directly to me. There were several people who told me they liked the whole service. This morning I was struggling with the issue of unanswered prayer in worship. It also reflected my current struggle with Daughter.

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I'm catching lots of anger right now that has absolutely nothing to do with me. Her last words to me last night were to call me a nasty name. I didn't wake her up this morning. I haven't initiated any conversation with her. Yet her first words to me this morning were full of anger. I'm tired of being her punching bag.

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It could be a very long day.

Dangerous

I am living dangerously. Tomorrow we will be using the projector we recently purchased in worship for the first time. It will play a video during the offering. It's a beautiful video that fits well with the sermon. Some people will be furious. Some may not stay when they see the screen there. It feels right, so I'm doing it. I'll remind them that this is about living out our vision statement and proclaiming the Good News in new ways. It will be interesting.

Three Friends

Daughter called me when she was almost home to tell me she hadn't called me today. I wouldn't have figured it out without that call. She was very excited when she got home. Super Supervisor was back. She told SS that if she didn't call me all day I'd take her to the concert tonight, so she was going to have to talk to SS if she was upset about anything. The one man was much calmer now that SS was back.

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How much impact did SS' absence have on Daughter? She was entirely different this evening. I was amazed by the change. Daughter asked me about my day, and when she heard that I had been to the nursing homes, she asked about the health of the residents by name. She expressed concern when she saw me rub my sore knee. She was cooperative at home. I'm going to have to talk to SS about these days off-- they are entirely too hard on Daughter (and me)!

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We went to the pizza buffet and then the concert. I set up my lawn chair near the back of the crowd. People start claiming their space at 1:00 in the afternoon, so by the time we get there, it's hard to find spots close enough to see the stage. There was a huge crowd there tonight, because there is also an annual festival going on in Town. That made parking a challenge.

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Daughter hooked up with workshop friends and was up front dancing with them. She also saw three of her high school friends. M is pregnant with her 2nd child. She caught her husband with another woman, so Monday she's going to start the divorce process. She's due next month, and she's supposed to be on bed rest. Somehow I don't think walking around Town pushing a toddler in a stroller is bed rest. She doesn't have a job. K was there with her older son. She had an infant she left home sleeping. Her husband is abusive. Neither of them are employed. N is also pregnant with her second child. She told Daughter she is working and happy. Daughter was talking about her friends on the way home about her 3 friends on the way home. All of these women were in Daughter's special ed classes. She was lamenting the way they are messing up their lives and the impact it is having on their children. She expressed no envy, and only appropriate concern. Like I said, I'm going to have to talk to Super Supervisor about not taking any more days off....

Three Smiles

I took communion out this afternoon and had some wonderful visits. The 92 year old woman I had with me asked about the cord for my GPS, so I demonstrated it for her. She thought it was wonderful.

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Daughter made it through the day without calling me, so we will be going to the concert this evening. She isn't home yet, so I don't know if she had Sub or Super Supervisor today.

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I received a call from my neighbor. They caught the man who assaulted her a year ago! They had been waiting for DNA results. He's been in jail for the last 5 months and is charged with abduction and assault. She is so happy, and was surprised by how much relief she felt. She said, "I assume you'll say a prayer of thanksgiving." Of course. Too bad she doesn't believe in God.

Friday

Daughter is off to the workshop, armed with a list of things she can do when she gets anxious that don't involve calling me. She is strongly motivated by the desire to attend the concert in the park tonight. One of her friends (and one who isn't caught up in all the drama) has earned the privilege of going to the concert, and Daughter wants to meet her there. Much to her annoyance, I reminded her of how many times I've given her another chance and suggested she do the same for Sub. She is now convinced that Sub almost killed her with insulin mistakes, so it is going to be a challenge for her to trust her.

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This morning I'm going to finish the sermon, and this afternoon I will pick up one of the saints and take communion to some of our shut-ins. I'm looking forward to the concert this evening, so I hope Daughter doesn't blow it. If I ignore her calls, can I pretend I didn't receive them so we can still go to the concert? Unfortunately, if I didn't answer her anxiety level would sky rocket as she tried to figure why I wasn't answering. If she does call, I'll convince myself I didn't want to go to the concert. There's a festival in Town this weekend which could make parking difficult to find. I don't want to have to walk far on my bad knee. It's amazing how much more it hurts now that I know I tore something....

Bribery

Sub was at the workshop today. I've had 3 calls from Daughter. The first time she was sobbing so hard she couldn't talk. The second time she claimed one of the men had flashed her (though no one else had seen it). I told her she can keep herself safe even when Super Supervisor isn't there. She told me she couldn't. I stood firm, suggested coping techniques, and let her finish the day. She should be arriving home soon.

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I've come up with a devious plan to get her to stay through the day tomorrow without all the phone calls. I'm going to tell her that if she makes it through the day without calling, I'll take her to the concert in the park tomorrow evening. Tomorrow the entertainment will be provided by a group that plays music by one of her favorite '60's groups. She asked me this week about when the concerts would start, and who would be playing at them.

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Hopefully something to look forward to will be the incentive she needs to get through the day without calling me. I call it an incentive, though some might call it bribery....

PTSD

Daughter was off yesterday evening. She spent much of it sleeping. I attributed it to a couple of things. She came home distressed and told me that Super Supervisor doesn't know what days she'll be there and what days she'll be gone, so she'll be spending more time with Sub. Daughter tried to explain why, but it didn't make sense.

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She overheard my phone conversations setting up an MRI for my knee and an appointment for a GI consult. She insisted on knowing what was going on, so I told her. I assured her I'd be fine, but she said she wished she hadn't asked.

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Somehow I missed a phone call yesterday afternoon from the workshop I listened to the voice mail this morning. It seems that they took a group of more seriously impaired individuals over to the gift shop for a field trip. One of the men took off his shirt (as he is prone to do). Daughter freaked out, proclaimed he was naked, covered her eyes and ran to the bathroom to hide. Sigh.

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I asked Daughter if anything had happened that had bothered her yesterday. She was tentative as she tried to figure out how much I knew. I had to ask several times, and finally she told me the story. In her version, he also took his pants off so he was just in his underwear. I was wondering how they'd managed to miss adding this detail in the account to me when she said, "Even though he's in a wheelchair he was able to do it." She also told me that Sub told her it was okay and he did it all the time.

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I see a failure to communicate. For Daughter, it was such a big thing she had to make it even bigger by having him remove his pants. For Sub, Daughter was over reacting and he does it all the time. I now have a better idea of why Daughter was not quite right yesterday evening. She told me at one point that she had too many things racing through her mind. Today I have a better idea of what some of those things are. Unfortunately, there aren't any easy answers. As Psychiatrist reminds me regularly, she has very limited coping skills. They are being stretched to the max right now.

And the Reason Is....

As I was heading towards City for an appointment, my cell phone rang. With a sinking feeling, I saw that it was Daughter. I answered, wondering what crisis she might have created to try to convince me to come pick her up. I was amazed at how happy she sounded. "Guess what!" She didn't give me time to guess before informing me that Super Supervisor was back. She'd just come in and and Sub was going to leave to go back to the workshop.

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I wonder what it would take to convince SS to never again take a day off....

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I'm facing knee surgery and endoscopy. Back in March I injured my knee. It seemed to be getting better until I decided it was time to move up to the 6 inch platform for my wii step. I finally decided I needed to go to the doctor. I tore something. She said I probably had a small tear after I fell, and then the taller step shredded it. They're going to schedule an MRI and get me in with an orthopedist.

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My ongoing heartburn that's not responding well to over the counter medications is a sign that I now need to see a GI specialist and get it scoped to determine the extent of the damage and see if I need my esophagus stretched.

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I'm feeling a bit old, but the bigger issue is going to be Daughter's response to all of this. She'll have to know, and she will totally freak out. She'll be convinced I'm dying. I'll wait to tell her. Maybe we can have a few good days now that SS is back before she finds out that I am human and begins her next decline....

Eenie, meenie, minie.....

Pick a reason. Daughter is struggling again. She called me about lunch time and wanted me to come get her because she was remembering things. I told her she needed to distract herself and to get out her ipod. Yesterday she lied to me about having made her bed (she's wetting the bed about every other night now). Today she came home and demanded to go back to the workshop because she can't stand to be away from her friends (many of whom are no longer attending the workshop).

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Among the possible reasons for the decline:

1. Concerns about Birth Brother in the army that were triggered by the Memorial Day Services yesterday.
2. PMS. Her period apparently started today.
3. The upcoming anniversary of my Mom's death (June 9th).
4. Contact with friends made possible when I gave her her cell phone back.
5. Concern about Sub being at the gift shop all week while Super Supervisor is on vacation.
6. A delayed reaction to the full moon on May 27 (I looked it up).
7. Fear brought on by her success (she told me today that she's not comfortable when she's happy because it isn't really her.)
8. The return of psychosis (she thought I was calling her this evening when I wasn't-- often a warning sign of psychosis-- I made up something so she wouldn't know I hadn't called her.)

She's supposedly trying to turn it around by doing her chores properly tonight. I hope she succeeds. I told her I know it's hard when Sub is in at the gift shop, but she wasn't going to leave the gift shop because of Sub. I also addressed some of the other possible causes. She told me she doesn't know what the problem is. I think that's an honest answer. It would be nice if I could determine the cause, but I probably won't ever know. We'll deal with the behavior and see if she can turn it around.

Memorial Day

We went to the community Memorial Day service yesterday, and Daughter was obviously distressed. I thought she was thinking about her grandparents, but as we talked following the services, it was her Birth Brother that was on her mind. He's in the military. Once again, she's wanting to make contact with her birth family.

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The last conversation with her birth mother resulted in a 3 psychiatric hospitalizations over the next couple of months. She wrote 2 letters to BB at that time, but he never responded. Psychiatrist has told her she needs to go a year without having a psychotic episode before she attempts contact again. Up until yesterday, she'd seem willing to accept no contact ever with any of them. Just looking at pictures a couple of months ago was enough to send her into a deep downward spiral.

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Yesterday was a down day for her. She was back to lying and not completing tasks. They're gong to have Sub all this week at the gift shop, which is slightly concerning to her. She also just doesn't do well with a completely unstructured day. She wanted to invite people over for a party yesterday-- she asked to do that late yesterday morning. I explained that wasn't something she could do at the last minute. It turned into a frustrating day for both of us.

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I'm very much aware that June 9th will be the first anniversary of Mom's death. A picture of Dad with Daughter and Short Niece taken a year ago has stirred up many memories. They were all so happy that day. It is a precious picture that I treasure. It is a gray, rainy day today. Hopefully a return to routine and a busy day will be good for both of us.