The Tic

I have a tic in my left eye. It's been bad for the last week or so. It is caused by stress. I am a very laid back individual. I don't get stressed very often, and the tic is quite unusual. It's better tonight, probably because Daughter came home in a good mood and is having a better evening. I realized today that right now my life revolves around avoiding anything that would cause Daughter to escalate.

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This weekend I have an interview, and I have been pondering how best to deal with it with Daughter. She doesn't know about it yet. I considered arranging respite, but the respite providers have been so uneven, and it could quickly become a disaster. Her anxiety level would be sky high with me gone, and she'd be suspicious as to why I was gone. If I was honest and told her it was for an interview, her anxiety level would reach at least to the moon. I could see her calling me constantly, and if she got mad, doing something to get herself into the hospital. She's managed to convince others she needs to be in the hospital twice this year. Either one of those scenarios would sabotage my chances of getting this call. Minimum wage workers cannot be expected to handle her mental health issues when her anxiety is that high.

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So I decided I need to take her with me. There are advantages to this. She is still anxious, but because she knows what's going on, it's not quite as high. The committee will be able to see how I function and balance her needs with other responsibilities. I will get to see how the committee responds to her. She is capable of entertaining herself outside of the meetings. As long as she knows where I am and what I'm doing, she doesn't need to be right next to me. I've already talked to this committee about Daughter and her needs and how I juggle parenting and ministry.

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So this afternoon Sister called. She wanted to know if I was ready for the weekend. I don't remember how it came up, but she found out Daughter would be with me for the interview. She had a fit. She wants me to leave Daughter with the friend we'll be visiting Thursday night and Friday. I told her I wouldn't do that, and explained why. She kept pushing and pushing. I finally said, "My own sisters are afraid to keep Daughter, how can I ask a friend to keep her for two nights?" She backed down, and insisted she thought I was just talking about a couple of hours, and pointed out that she's been willing to keep Daughter for a couple of hours in the past. She didn't offer this time, though, and we will be within an hour of her.

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Then she started in on Psychiatrist and how I need to make her fix Daughter. I told her she could take me for my scope and Daughter for her Psychiatrist's appointment that afternoon. She's going to check her calendar and see if her ex-mother-in-law would keep Short Niece. She's not sure she has enough miles left on her lease to do it (it would be about 350 miles round trip). She'd have to come down that morning and go back that night. She'd love to give Psychiatrist a piece of her mind. I notice it's not a problem for me to dump Daughter on a friend, but she won't bring her daughter or spend the night with us. The tic was bad by the time I finished our phone conversation.

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I tried to change the Psychiatrist appointment today, but it would be pushed way back. I think tomorrow I'll call and see about rescheduling my scope. I think keeping Daughter's appointment with Psychiatrist is more important for my stomach's health than the scope at this point. Hopefully I won't have to push it back too far if I do reschedule.

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I took Daughter to a strawberry festival sponsored by a friend's church for supper tonight. While we were eating, Far Away Sister called. We were in a noisy cafeteria, so I told her I'd call her back in a little bit. I couldn't help but wonder if Sister had called her and told her to call and make me figure out something else for Daughter during the interview, but Far Away Sister didn't bring it up when I called her back.

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I am very much aware that the stress with Daughter is taking a toll on my health. I was going to schedule respite for this week, but realized that would lead her to escalate, too, and she'd be punishing me when I was trying to make a good impression with the committee this weekend. I find myself wondering how a move would go with her present state of mental health. Thinking about that causes the tic to start going. So I'm not going to worry about it. If God gives me the call, God will help with the transition.