No Easing Into It

We certainly didn't ease into winter this year. A couple of men came by and offered to clear my driveway for $15. I took them up on the offer, and after they finished, I headed into the office. I was amazed, because the main road at the corner had not been plowed. It was a mess. The signal lights were plastered with snow, with a little bit of the light showing at the top. If I'd known how bad the road was going to be, I would have stayed home.
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The church parking lot had been plowed-- twice I was told. It seems the company we cancelled after last year is trying to keep the job. One of the reasons we didn't renew with them is that we had heard various stories of unethical dealings by them. One of our men came over and cleared the walks for us. I had been prepared to clear the sidewalk when I got there, as I often did last winter.
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Daughter called several times. The third time she wanted me to come get her because she was bored and needed to get out of there. I refused, of course, and again expressed confidence in her ability to figure things out. I haven't heard from her since.
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It has been a productive week, which is good, since tomorrow I'm off to an all day workshop. Of course, I've figured out Christmas Eve worship but don't have a sermon for this Sunday. Minor details.

Snow

The snow on my picnic table is 13" deep. I went out and measured it this morning. All the area schools are closed. Supposedly at 9:00 things are going to be miraculously better because the temperature will be above freezing. That means the temperature needs to go up at least 7 degrees in the next 20 minutes. Seems unlikely to me. I called Administrative Assistant and instructed her not to try to be in the office by 9:00. She protested a bit, but I pointed out that this is why we work ahead.

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It is a wet, heavy snow, so I really don't want to try to shovel it out of my driveway. I'm hoping that that the weather forecasters are correct and it will melt away quickly this morning. I'm a little skeptical, though. Daughter was cheerful when she called this morning. It was nice to get a happy call from her for a change. I think I'm going to make an effort to make our conversations longer when she's happy and cut them off when she's telling me how terrible life is. It might work, but it will take her a while to figure it out. Cause and effect is not her strong suit, to say the least.

Action

Daughter was supposed to have an appointment with Psychiatrist tomorrow, but it was cancelled. Case Manager sent an email to the entire team, which prompted a series of emails. Daughter complained to Program Manager about how the home was out of one of her mood stabilizers and they have had problems getting her prescriptions in a timely manner. Home Manager complained about the new pharmacy. I chimed in and said I'd gone to the local pharmacy to get a prescription filled over the weekend since the agency pharmacy said my insurance wouldn't cover one of her meds. I said the medication issues were damaging Daughter's sense of safety at her placement.
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Nurse was in on the emails, and was outraged. She marched down the hall to the pharmacy, and informed them of how things would be. When a house orders a medication, it is to be filled and delivered that day. She is going to further investigate, and has promised to get to the bottom of it and see that it doesn't happen again. I believe her.
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On the health front, I had a rough night and morning. Beginning to eat yesterday started up the intestinal misery again. I went into the office today, but I cancelled appointments away from the church, and didn't move around much. Administrative Assistant came to me, I didn't go to her.
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Things are going well at the church. It looks like the results of the stewardship drive will be good. We aren't going to meet the challenge budget, but given the current state of the economy, we are delighted to see a healthy increase in giving, including a number of new pledges. The new board members were at last night's board meeting. They are a good group of people, and I'm looking forward to working with them. Almost all of them are serving on the board for the first time, which is good.
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We were looking for the large manger the church has to put it in the spiritual house we built this fall. A couple of the board members knew exactly where it was this fall, but it has mysteriously vanished. One of them came back and looked some more today, and when he couldn't locate it, he went home and built a new one.
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We have ordered a new phone system. We have one that was used when it was installed a number of years ago. It is not digital, and we can't change the programming on it. It takes forever to get to voice mail on it. The new one will enable us to use caller ID and will have many nice features, including a cordless phone for when we're out of the office doing things elsewhere in the building.
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We will also be adding some insulation before the end of the year, which should solve a problem we've been having with ice dams. This summer we're going to host a traveling day camp run by the church camp Daughter attended last summer. We're very excited about this opportunity to reach out to the children in our community. We have a number of members who mentor children in the elementary school, so we will invite those children and offer them scholarships to attend.
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I came home this afternoon and brought the Christmas tree upstairs. It is up and ready for ornaments. I may add those later this evening, or I may wait until tomorrow. I did the outside decorations on Saturday. Sunday and Monday were lost, but my goal is to do something every day. I'm doing a Christmas open house on December 18th, so I need to begin getting ready for it.

Reports

So yesterday afternoon I got teary call from Daughter. She wasn't doing any of the activities at her program. She wanted out of it. She was going to tell her house to pull her out.
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A few minutes later I got a text from Program Manager: "Your daughter is in excellent spirits."
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Last night I was in a board meeting and she called on my cell phone. I answered, because sometimes it is staff calling, and I need to be available to them. When I heard Daughter, who was quite distressed, I said, "I'm in a meeting and can't talk. Call me after 8:30. I love you." And I hung up.
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A woman on the board commented, "She was very happy when I saw her at the mall this morning."
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A man chimed in, "She was happy when I saw her this afternoon at the bowling alley."
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When I called her back after my meeting, she was asleep. She called this morning. They have run out of another one of her mood stabilizers. I did manage to get her laughing before we hung ended our conversation. I am grateful for all the reports I receive that she is doing well. It makes it easier for me to ignore her drama.

A Lost Day

I lost yesterday. I had a stomach bug. I'll spare you the details. Somehow I made it through worship. I then took Daughter back to her home, driving through to pick her up a hamburger on the way, and then I came home and collapsed on the couch, wrapped in a comforter. I made frequent trips to the bathroom and sipped some water occasionally. Around 7:00 I rallied enough to call a friend and ask her to bring me some ginger ale. She works as a nurse in a doctor's office. She told me there is a stomach bug going around that lasts for several days. That was not good news. Around 10:00 I had a piece of toast and went to bed.
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Sometime yesterday afternoon I had a call from the home. Daughter wanted to go to urgent care. She had a red spot on her back that was itching. I said, "Absolutely not! She's upset because I'm sick. Tell her you're sorry she has a red spot that itches. Tell her I said to wipe it off with an alcohol prep and that will help the itching."
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Daughter called in the evening. She really wanted to be at home taking care of me. All that would have done is added to my stress. When I get sick, it's very hard on her. She panics.
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This morning I'm feeling better. I had some chicken noodle soup for breakfast, and came in a little late. I'll probably go home and take a nap this afternoon, since I have a board meeting tonight. Hopefully by tomorrow I'll be fully recovered.

The Day After

Daughter called early this morning, chipper and apologetic right up until the moment I told her I'd pick her up at 7:30 tomorrow morning for church, but I wouldn't come get her today. She was disappointed.
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I was at the church this morning to help put up the tree and get the decorations out for the hanging of the greens tomorrow. Sister Best Friend and her mom came for lunch to day. I tried a new dish on them. I'm doing Christmas, and since Sister and Short Niece are now gluten and dairy free, some of our traditional Christmas dishes aren't going to work.
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Daughter called about noon, disappointed she'd miss seeing Sister Best Friend, but happy because she'd been to a movie this morning. I am so much more relaxed with Daughter out of the house. It's nice to cook with the pantries unlocked.
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I'll take Daughter out to lunch tomorrow after church tomorrow, and then straight back. I won't have to lock things up again until she spends the night Thursday. I came home last night after dropping her off, and didn't miss her as I thought I would. It was just a huge relief to be alone again.
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Medication

At my first word this morning, Daughter exploded. In one of her rational moments today, she said, "I can't even control myself."
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She has been out of one of her medications for almost a week. It's med that shouldn't be stopped suddenly. She is taking it for seizures, but it is also an add on treatment for bipolar. I looked it up.
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The pharmacy that her home uses says my insurance won't cover it. They've been covering it at the pharmacy at the corner for over a year. I just sent a refill request to the local pharmacy. I'll pick it up in a couple of hours. Daughter was demanding to go back to the home, "where they really care about her." I'm going to honor her request. Of course, now that I'm going to take her back, she doesn't want to go back. I'm taking her back anyway. I have rights, including the right to feel safe in my own home.
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I have a cake in the oven. When it comes out and I think the pharmacy has had enough time to fill the prescription, I'll take her back. She is currently crying quite noisily and dramatically because she doesn't want to go back. I'm not crying yet, but my heart is breaking, and it will be very hard to take her there and leave her without shedding a few tears.

Thanksgiving with Family

We had a wonderful Thanksgiving with Sister, Brother, Sister-in-law, Baby Nephew, and Brother's in-laws. Baby Nephew is the happiest, most easy-going baby I think I've ever met. He hadn't seen me in 2 months, but he smiled and reached out to me when we arrive, and then snuggled into hug me. He is 8 months old now, and wants to walk. He will hold tight to your fingers and walk all over the house. He also loves music and dancing. He brought much joy to all of us.
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The food was fantastic. Brother is a great cook. Sister was happy to get a text from her ex saying Short Niece wanted to go home that evening, so we took our pie to go so we could be back to Sister's by 8:00. That gave us the bonus of an opportunity to see Short Niece, who will be 7 later this month. She was very excited to see us, and was climbing all over Daughter.
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We got home about 10:00 last night. Daughter was furious because I hadn't made her bed. I told her I wasn't the one who wet it, so I wasn't going to be the one to make it. She yelled and threatened, then made it without the mattress protector. I informed her that wasn't acceptable. More yelling and threats, and then she tore the bed about and asked if I'd please help her put the mattress protectors back on. I did.
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I wasn't surprised that she wet the bed again last night. She doesn't wet the bed at the group home, of course. She saves that for me. When she came out this morning I was in the process of making her favorite breakfast: sausage gravy and biscuits. I asked if she'd wet the bed, and she acknowledged she had. I said, "Get your linens in the washing machine." That set her off. "I wish people would get off me about my bed wetting!"
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She apologized, but if she continues like this, she'll be going back before Sunday. I've had to lock everything up again. I like the peace and the freedom of life with her at the group home.

Another Medication Issue and Thanksgiving

Daughter called several times yesterday. She wanted to come home immediately. She was definitely on edge. The last time she called, she said she'd just exploded and was afraid she was going to explode again. I asked if she still had her patch on. She got mad and told me she didn't know and couldn't tell. I asked her to give the phone to a staff member.
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The staff member was very apologetic, saying she didn't know what had set her off. I told her I didn't think this was about anything that happened and asked her to check Daughter's back for a patch. She did and there wasn't a patch. I told her to get a new one on her and wished her luck. I think that staff member will remember to check for the patch....
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I am very thankful that we have found a placement for Daughter that seems to be working.
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I'll be picking Daughter up in 4 hours. We'll pick up Sister, and then head to Brother's. I made cranberry relish last night for my contribution. I love cranberry relish. Brother, who lives in a very small house, had invited over 20 people. Sister and I were relieved to hear there will only be about a dozen people there.
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Sister will be missing Short Niece, who will be with her dad. It's the first Thanksgiving since Sister moved out (more than 7 years after the break in the marriage-- it's a long and complicated story). Sister was very grateful that I was willing to come pick her up and take her to Thanksgiving. We'll make it fun. How can it be anything but fun with Baby Nephew there?
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I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Good Phone Calls

Yesterday evening when Daughter called, she wasn't crying or angry. She has asked about participating in more of the activities and outings there. One of the staff members had done her laundry for her (which she hadn't done since she moved in). She asked me if she could go home early on Saturday, because she wants to go to the movie with her group. Yes, she called that place home.
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What's the difference? I think she is seeing the impact of the training I did. The staff is now calling me with questions about Daughter's care. I know part of it is they are testing my assurance that they can call me any time. I'm making sure I am patient and gracious when they call. I think once they become more comfortable with things, the calls will slow down.
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I also suspect Daughter wasn't getting enough of her anti-psychotic. Yesterday I wrote about how important it is to her. When the home transferred her prescriptions to their pharmacy, it filled 2 different strengths. I suspect that part of the time she was getting the lower strength pill. That left her doing more cycling and much more volatile. I suggested to one of the staff members that they take the lower strength pills out of her med box so no one gives it to her by mistake.
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I have had two very productive days in the office, even with a steady stream of visitors. I've been reading a book, something I seldom do. My stress level has gone way down. I am more relaxed, and as a result, more productive. I'm sleeping better and longer at night.
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I will have much to be thankful for as we celebrate Thanksgiving tomorrow.

A Rant

This morning I read an article critical of the number of foster children who are on anti-psychotics. I found it interesting that the problem was that the children were being placed on drugs, not that they might need the medication.
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Daughter started on anti-psychotics at age 8. It was a very hard thing to do. I resisted it, and wasn't sure I was making the right decision until I saw the impact that the medication had on her. She has severe PTSD. She was having psychotic flashbacks. She was terrified of the bathroom and of bed. It reached the point where she wouldn't go into the bathroom without me. She refused to take baths, and the only way I could get her to shower was if she was with me and I was standing between Daughter and the drain. She was convinced that her brothers were waiting in the drain and were going to pull her down.
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She had moved throughout the house looking for a safe place to sleep. She tried her bedroom, the guest room, my closet, my floor, my bed, and had she had reached the point that the only way she could sleep was if she was in full body contact with me. She was a big girl, and she was sleeping on top of me.
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It was a major battle every morning to get her to school, because she didn't feel safe in her classroom. She was convinced there were snakes living in her desk, and she was afraid of the boys in her classroom. I could tell that she was hearing voices, too. Her therapist convinced me to take her to a psychiatrist, who prescribed an anti-psychotic. They assured me that the medication would make things easier.
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Within a day or so, she showered without me. It wasn't until I took my first shower alone that I realized how exhausting it had been for me. When I saw her quick improvement I knew I had made the right decision. She has been on anti-psychotic ever since-- 16 years now. She's been through a number of different medications. A medication will work for a while, and then the voices and hallucinations will start again.
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So I find myself wondering how many of those foster kids who are on anti-psychotics have issues similar to Daughter's. Would it have been better to refuse to put her on medication and let her struggle with vivid flashbacks? Should I have left her afraid to go to the bathroom or sleep? There are probably some of those children who don't need the medication. I would prefer, though, that rather than defining the problem as the fact so many kids are on medication that we define the problem as the fact that some of these children are so damaged they need medication.

A Fresh Approach

Since anger didn't work last night, Daughter tried sobbing this morning. She called, and she was crying so hard she was having trouble talking. She claimed she was having flashbacks. I told her I was sorry she was having a bad morning, and maybe her counselor could give her some ideas about how to deal with it when she sees her this afternoon. She informed me she was already listening to her music and it wasn't helping. I suggested she try dancing. She didn't like that idea. I told her I had confidence in her ability to work through it and that I love her. Then I told her goodbye.
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It's much easier not to get sucked into her drama when she doesn't live with me. Much easier.

Tonight's Phone Call

Daughter called when I was in a meeting. I told her I was in a meeting and to call back in an hour. She did. "They're trying to control my diet! They told me I had to choose a sandwich or a microwave dinner." I told her I thought it was wonderful that they gave her choices. She was threatening to call the cops on the staff. It wasn't possible to have a rational conversation with her tonight. I hung up grateful that she's living there.

The In-Service

We trained the staff about Daughter's needs today. I started with her emotional needs, and how important it is for her to feel safe. I explained her hyper-vigilance, and how she picked up on everything. I told them that she believes she is too much work and staff is quitting because of her and that it's her fault that they are short of staff. I also explained why she needs to continue in her program for now.
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Then we talked about diabetes. I contradicted the dietitian several times, and I prevailed. The diabetic diet used to be based on exchanges, which were approximations. Daughter's diet is based on a strict counting of the grams of carbohydrate in her meals. Her insulin is figured based on her blood sugar and the carbs she is eating.
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I was pleased with what got communicated, but not so thrilled with how passive most of the staff was. I think there are some problems in the staff. I hope that the new manager is able to get a handle on things soon.
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Daughter wanted me to read them the riot act. I told her that wasn't necessary. I hope I'm right.

A Teary Phone Call

Daughter called with her standard tearful command, "You need to come get me now." After some complaints she finally said enough for me to figure out what had caused her such distress. The other diabetic at the house had a low blood sugar-- it dropped to 15, and they had called 911. Daughter was terrified. So we had a long conversation. I assured her that she knows how to keep herself safe and that wouldn't happen to her.
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I finally distracted her by asking her about the movie she went to see this evening with a church friend. Once she was focused on that, I reassured her again that she knows how to take care of her diabetes, and she could keep herself safe. She finally hung up when the ambulance arrived for the woman with the low blood sugar.

A Difference

Daughter was happy and cooperative this morning. We had a potluck after worship. I was sitting across from some friends, and she said, "You seem much more rested and relaxed since Daughter moved out."
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I think she's right. I took back right after church today. She was glad to get back. She was greeted warmly, and was planning to do her laundry. I then came home and unlocked the pantries and refrigerator and put the cable lock and keys in the drawer. It's wonderful not to have to wear the keys around my neck. It's wonderful to have the fruit out on the counter.
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I think my friend was right-- I am more rested and relaxed. I like it.

Football and Adjusting

I picked Daughter up this morning for the football game. I"ll take her back tomorrow after church. We really enjoyed the football game. It helped that our team won, of course.
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Daughter is all over the place right now. She claims she's not safe or respected there, and then she asks to go back early. I'm using my long time method of ignoring her as she rants. Unfortunately, some of her complaints are valid. They got lost on their way to pick her up yesterday, so they didn't pick her up. Apparently staff has told her they are pulling her out of her current program. The agreement was we wouldn't talk about that until she had settled in at the house, as change is so hard on her. She also thinks staff is quitting because of her. The diabetes stuff is still a challenge, and they aren't on top of all her medication. I'm waiting patiently until we get the staff trained on Monday. They will experience the wrath of Mama Bear if they don't get their act together after the training.

Thanksgiving

Sister has moved out from the house she shared with her ex-husband. Originally they were going to do holidays together this year for the sake of Short Niece, but this week he changed his mind and uninvited Sister to Thanksgiving. He has also claimed Short Niece for the day. So today Sister and I decided to join Brother and his in-laws for Thanksgiving. I'll pick Daughter and Sister up and take them.
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Originally I was going to join Sister Best Friend on Thanksgiving Day, and then Sister and Short Niece were coming here on Friday. Now we'll be together Thursday, so we'll have Friday to begin decorating the house for Christmas.
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Daughter doesn't know about the change in plans, so I'll tell her tomorrow. I think she'll be happy, because she'll get to see her youngest cousin.
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Tomorrow we're going to a football game at the university. That will be fun, though cold.

The First Overnight

Daughter was home last night for choir and spent the night. To say she was happy would be an understatement. It went pretty well. I was pleased to discover that they did get her anti psychotic filled, so she is taking it. They hadn't changed her patch, which was due to be changed on Monday. I changed it this morning.
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This is going to get easier, and in many ways it has gone more smoothly than I anticipated. I'm trying not to get uptight about things until after the training on Monday. If they still are messing up her diabetes after that, they'll hear from Mama Bear. For now, I'm going to enjoy the peace.

An Early Morning Call

Daughter called about 6:30 this morning. She was happy. She was excited about coming home, and she apologized for yesterday evening's call. I was relieved.
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That was the first of several phone calls I received before 8:00 this morning. In addition to Daughter, I have two other very needy women in my life right now. Supporting them without getting sucked in and dealing with the demands of ministry has been challenging.
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I'm looking forward to a spending time with Daughter this evening. This morning I suggested she take her bear hug sweatshirt back with her. I bought that so she could wear it when I'm not around to hug her. She thought that was a good idea. I was pleased to hear her acknowledge she'll be going back. This will work, it will just take time.

Problems

Daughter called before lunch today. The home hadn't given her the carb content for her lunch, and they needed to know it for insulin. I asked what she had in her lunch. She told me she had a container of yogurt which was 35 grams of carb, a ham sandwich, and cheese crackers. Somehow I think that was more than the 45 grams of carb she is supposed to have for lunch. I asked about her blood sugar. It was high, so they messed up breakfast, too. I wasn't thrilled, but I told her how much insulin to take and went back to my peer group.
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This evening I got a call from a staff member. Daughter was having a meltdown and had been trying to call me but was messing up the number so couldn't get through. She put Daughter on the phone. She was sobbing. She wanted to come home immediately. She wasn't safe there. They want to pull her out of her program and send her someplace else. They were messing up her diabetes. I tried to offer reassurance and comfort. I was getting ready to lead Bible study, so going to her wasn't an option. I reminded her she'd be home tomorrow night. I told her to go get the stuffed cat Administrative Assistant made her and hug that and wrap herself in her favorite throw. She was still crying when we hung up.
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I think I'll send an email off tomorrow asking that if staff isn't going to follow the diet, they at least make sure they are keeping track of carbs. I know they haven't been trained yet, but they have a diet that tells them exactly what she should have and how many carbs are in it. They need to follow the menu.
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On my way home from Bible study I stopped at the store and bought some chocolate. This is hard.

Too Busy

I've been too busy the last day or so to miss Daughter-- or to post, apparently. I had a brief conversation with her yesterday evening. She was crying and insisting she had to come home because she had a stomach ache. I offered sympathy, suggestions, assured her I had confidence in her ability to manage the situation, and told her I loved her and looked forward to seeing her Thursday evening. I was pulling into a retreat center for a peer group retreat at the time.
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I think she's adjusting well. The dietitian took the menu they are supposed to be using over to the home yesterday and delivered it. It has all the carbs on it and should make diabetes management much easier. It may help the other diabetic resident if they are using an appropriate menu.
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I'm off to breakfast now, and then a morning of content and reflection with my colleagues. Just wanted to post quickly so you'd know things are fine.

A Better Call

Daughter called right after the funeral (she tried to call during, but of course the ringer was off on my phone). She sounded happier, and she didn't try to convince me she didn't belong or I needed to come rescue her. I told her she should be grateful, as I had 2 meetings tonight and I wouldn't have to drag her with me.
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Even with losing 3 hours to a funeral and spending time on two extended conversations, I have had a fairly productive day. Now I'm headed home for supper, and then will be back for a round of evening meetings.
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I've also spent some time on emails regarding Daughter's diabetes situation. I now have the menus, and will be taking some time to look at them, probably this evening. I think I got their attention. Unfortunately, the training for staff won't be until a week from today. We'll figure it out eventually....

A Full Day

I'm hoping Daughter got a good night's sleep, and that her return to her program today will be reassuring to her. She called me in tears last night, homesick and wanting to come home. She said they didn't have anything for her lunch today. I assured her that they made lunches for others, and would have something she could take in her lunch.
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I'm going to be very busy today, with a funeral this afternoon and two meetings this evening in addition to all the Monday tasks. I think it will be good to be so busy. This is one of those days that dinner would have been on the table when Daughter got off the bus and we wouldn't have headed out the door to get back to the church as soon as we'd eaten. Now, Daughter will go home to dinner and time with her friends. In time, I think she will come to appreciate that. This is one of those weeks when I have commitments 4 evenings in a row (5 if you count the funeral home yesterday).
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I'm hoping that if Daughter does call this morning, she feels better because she's had a good night's sleep. I slept in an hour this morning-- until 6:30. It felt good. The bus picked Daughter up at 6:30, so I was always up by 5:45 at the very latest, but usually around 5:00. Since it's often 9:00 before I get home after evening commitments, it made for very long days for both of us. The move will enable both of us to get more sleep and have more down time.

"I'm all Mixed up"

I ended up taking Daughter back early today-- at her request. Part of the time she wanted to go back immediately, part of the time she wanted to stay with me forever. She said, "Mom, I'm just all mixed up." I assured her that was normal, and it would get easier as she adjusts.
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It was hard, dropping her off today. I'm sure in time I won't feel like crying when I pull away from her new home. I'm exhausted. I felt like I was off during worship this morning-- just not on top of things the way I like to be. I had to go see a family at the funeral home after I dropped off Daughter. I gave the family grief resources, and realized that I am grieving. I'm grieving as I face the reality of an empty nest. I'm also grieving as I let go of the dreams I had for Daughter. I didn't adopt her to grow up and live in a group home. Maybe I should read the book I give to grieving families....

Respect

Daughter knew I was picking her up at 7:30 this morning. The staff that does morning meds doesn't start work until 7:00. Daughter was not happy. She wanted things earlier, and apparently was very nasty with staff, threatening them with the wrath of mom. When I got there at 7:30, she had had her breakfast and was ready. She did not like the lecture I gave her in front of staff. I told her she had to relax and that she was to show staff respect. She accused me of dumping her on their doorstep and stormed out to the car. She sat in the backseat on the way here.
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I told her if she wanted to stay with me today, she needed to improve her attitude. She has decided she wants to go with me to the funeral home, which surprised me. It's going to be a busy day, and hopefully a good one.

The Roller Coaster Continues

Daughter called this morning, sounding good. She'd figured out the carbs on her meal. She said she'd slept well, "It almost felt like home." She was excited about going to a movie. That call came on my way to the meeting.
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During worship I got a call from a staff member asking about lunch at a fast food place. On the way home, Daughter called again. She wanted me to come get her. They didn't go to the movie she thought they were going to see. One of the women was disruptive in the van. She's not safe. I told her that I had confidence in her ability to keep herself safe. I suggested she watch some TV. She can't find her favorite channel. I suggested she ask staff, and promised to print out a channel guide for her. I told her it was natural that there would be some ups and downs as she adjusts to the move. I promised to pick her up in the morning. She wasn't thrilled, but I think she knew I wouldn't come get her. Hopefully I reassured her.

A Good Night's Sleep and a Plan

I don't think I moved after I went to bed last night. I slept, and slept well. I'll leave here about 7:30 for my meeting, which is about 95 miles from here. Fortunately, it's interstate most of the way, and I shouldn't run into much traffic on a Saturday morning.

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I didn't receive any more phone calls last night, so that's good. Today they are going to a movie, so that will be fun for Daughter. I do think it will work for Daughter at this place, I am just frustrated that I wasn't able to convince them to provide adequate training for staff. I don't understand why the dietitian doesn't get it and won't be more proactive. Yes, it will be work for her, but I was told she approves the menu, so it wouldn't be a problem.

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The dietitian is young, so I thought she would be up on the current diabetic management approaches. She gave them exchanges for the food, which is the old way. One exchange of carb is 15 grams of carb. This way of doing it requires staff to multiply the carb exchanges by 15, and then divide by Daughter's current ratio. That's a lot of math to do when you are trying to feed 13 people. The staff doesn't make much more above minimum wage, and they don't have advanced training. We need to make this as easy as possible for them. Since they have set menus, I'd like to see the nutrition and serving size on the menu. When I asked about the serving size for the potatoes yesterday, I was told "a couple of spoon fulls." It's hard to figure carbs for "a couple of spoon fulls" when you have multiple people determining the size of those couple of spoon fulls.

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I think I will ask them to fax of email me the menus weekly with any nutritional information or recipes they have. I will calculate serving size, nutrition information, and insulin. I will send it back with serving sizes and insulin calculated by blood sugar. I will show all the work so that they can see how I figure it out. We've worked hard to managed Daughter's blood sugars and keep them at near normal levels, minimizing the likelihood of complications. I want that to continue. I want this placement to work, and since the dietitian isn't willing/able to provide the information staff needs, Mama Bear will take care of things.

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I will also provide them with a list of options for her bedtime snacks. Sugar free jello will not be an option unless her blood sugar is so high she doesn't need a bedtime snack.

The First Calls

I got a call from the home before supper. Daughter's blood sugar was 76, so they were asking how much insulin they should give. Of course, they didn't know the carb content of the food. The dietitian didn't give them the carb content for steamed potatoes. They knew the carb content for 1/2 a cup of peas. I had asked for the information to be placed on the menu. I guess I expect too much. I told them not to give her any insulin, since I wasn't going to guess and have her go lower.
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A couple of hours later, Daughter called. They said she had to take a shower every day. She didn't want to take a shower every day. I told her that a shower every day was good for her, and she'd be all shiny and clean. Then she informed me that for bedtime snack they gave her sugar free jello. She told them she needed carbs, but they didn't listen. Her blood sugar was 130 (I was glad I told them to skip the insulin at supper). I asked to speak with a staff member. I told her Daughter had to have more than sugar free jello for a bedtime snack, or she'd go low. She was going to give Daughter some cheese crackers.
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I am frustrated. Twice I have explained that they need nutrition information, and asked that it be placed on the menu. I've explained why it is important. My concerns are being dismissed. Daughter told me tonight, "I'm not safe here. They don't know how to take care of me." That was what I was trying to avoid. I may have to go over there and figure out the nutrition information myself. I'm not very happy about the situation. The problem is I don't know when I'll do it. I have a meeting all day tomorrow, multiple commitments on Sunday, and a funeral on Monday.
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On a cheerier note, I had a wonderful evening out. We went to a craft show, a variety store, and then to a wonderful bar and grill for a great meal. None of us intended to eat our entire meal, and we all did. They were delicious. I also got some Christmas shopping done. It was a fun evening, even with the phone calls.

Moved!

The guys had the trailer loaded and we were on the road by 10:00 this morning. Daughter was excited. The men unloaded the trailer and put the bed together. There was a ton of paperwork. While I worked on that, one of the staff helped her unpack (there wasn't much to do, as we'd moved her dresser with all the clothes in it.)
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After I finished the paperwork I went to her room to set up her TV. It turns out there is cable available for her, so that was nice. She needed a new light bulb for her lamp and I needed a cable to connect the TV to the cable box, so we went to lunch and then bought those things (which cost exactly $11.11-- but it we didn't buy them at 11:11). I finished setting up her TV, gave her a hug, and left.
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One of the men invited me to go on a tour of homes and out to dinner with he and his wife tonight. I'm glad I won't be home all alone tonight. It was hard when I pulled away. I wanted to talk to Mom. It doesn't happen as frequently, but there are still times when I miss her terribly. I called Far Away Sister. She sent Tall Niece off to college this fall, so she understands.
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Tomorrow I'll be at a meeting all day. Sunday I'll pick up Daughter for church. The week will be busy, with a funeral on Monday. Fortunately, I'm just assisting. I will probably drop Daughter off right after we work the soup kitchen on Sunday so I don't have to drag her to the funeral home for visitation.
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For now, though, I'm going to go get ready for my evening out. I think I will enjoy my new freedom.

Moving Day

What a roller coaster ride! We've had shouts of anger, tears of fear and grief, and she is currently bouncing off the wall with joy and excitement. She packed some more things this morning-- things she was refusing to pack last night. I'm going to be exhausted before we even get out of the door at this rate. The men will be here with the trailer within an hour, and I think we're ready. I'm looking forward to a quiet evening at home and an opportunity to catch my breath when we get the move done.
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I printed out calendars for Daughter this morning that show the time she will be with me. She was quite excited to see how much time she will have here-- 2 overnights next week and the following week is Thanksgiving, so we'll have time together then. She was quite pleased and reassured after seeing the plans. I'm going to have to do that for her regularly. I think it will help her sense of security.

Found: A Black Hole

I opened the drawers in Daughter's dresser this afternoon and discovered the black hole into which socks, napkins, washcloths, and various other small items vanish. I couldn't believe what all I found in there.... I took a laundry basket in and emptied them into it, and then brought it into the family room to sort. It was fun sorting through the socks, some of which were dirty.
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I was amazed, because I thought I'd been supervising her pretty closely when she pulls the whites out of the dryer. As always, though, my attempts to teach her how to do things properly only result in her learning how to be even sneakier.
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Her furniture is all in the living room, ready to be picked up by the guys at 10:00 tomorrow morning. I think there are 4 men coming to move a dresser, twin bed, desk, wicker chair and a few boxes. I think their real motivation is the opportunity to go out to lunch when they're done with the work. Whatever it is, I'm grateful for their support.
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As I anticipated, she had a difficult time this evening. She doesn't want to take any furniture. I offered to take her to choir to give her a break, but she wanted to stay and work with me. The problem was she was quickly overwhelmed, and when she's overwhelmed, I become her target. In the end, she did most of the things I asked her to do.
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The reports from elsewhere are that she is very excited about moving and really looking forward to it. I'm glad to hear those reports, because all I hear is how frightened she is, how terrible this place is, and how wrong it is of me to kick her out like this. I keep telling her that moving is hard, and she'll be okay. I told her the schedule for the next week-- I'll pick her up for worship on Sunday. After lunch we'll go serve a meal at a soup kitchen, and then come back to the house to hang out for a while before she goes back to the group home. Thursday the bus will drop her off here, and after choir she'll spend the night with me, going from here to her program on Friday. Next Saturday we're going to a college football game, just to see it, not to work in the concession stand. She'll spend the night here then, too. I look forward to life getting easier....
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I've done all I can to make this move easier on her. All her acting out has done is make me more determined to move her out. I look forward to having a peaceful home. Yesterday I reorganized the linen closet, and celebrated the fact that it will stay that way, since Daughter will no longer be cramming things into it. I anticipate having a lot more energy when I no longer have her venom spewed at me. It will also be nice not to find her surprises-- like the black hole that had been sucking up things she didn't want to deal with. It will be interesting to see if they can get her to be more responsible. It will also be interesting to see what she does to try to get kicked out.

I Don't Think So

Daughter was quickly yelling at me this morning. She insisted she needed to stay home today. She was too stressed to go to her program. She needed to stay home and pack. Of course, when she faces the task of packing, she gets overwhelmed. She rages, and doesn't accomplish more than wearing me out.
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I sent her to her program, of course, and am very grateful I set aside this afternoon to take care of most of the details without her around. Does she really think I'm going to keep her home to rage at me? I don't think so.

She Knows Me Well

Daughter got a new laptop. I was setting it up for her, and decided to add a password. When she sat down to use it and discovered she needed a password, she looked up at me, "Is it Kitten?"
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"No."
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"It's Mom." She said this with great confidence, and a bit of smugness.
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I thought I was being clever. It is rather disconcerting to recognize how well she knows me.
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I have decided not to go to my meeting tomorrow afternoon. I'm going to do some shopping and packing while Daughter is still at her program. The packing is hard on her, so I'll spare us both the drama and just get it done.

Overwhelmed

The manager at Daughter's residential placement is new-- she's been there maybe a month. She's been with the company longer, but is new to this position. She gave me another stack of paperwork yesterday. I looked it over, and some of it should have been filled out at the meeting yesterday. I think this is manager's first move-in, and I suspect she's feeling almost as overwhelmed as Daughter and I are.
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Daughter is not doing well with this right now. She's very volatile, to say the least. It doesn't help that we're trying to accomplish this move in the midst of a very crazy week for me. I have someone dying, was tied up all afternoon, and have 4 commitments tomorrow. I have a meeting over an hour away on Thursday afternoon. This is our only evening home, and Daughter is not wanting to do any packing. She's overwhelmed, to say the least. I'm trying to break it down for her. "Pick out three pairs of pants that fit you and bring them here."
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Fortunately, the move doesn't have to be complete on Friday. As long as we get the furniture moved while we have the men and the church trailer, we can take the other things over gradually. I have men lined up to help with the move. I'm very grateful to be in ministry with this congregation. With their help, it's a little less overwhelming.

A Move-in Date

This Friday Daughter will move. I'm pleased with the plans. Nurse apologized for staff's confusion. We will do an in-service early next week, and I will be there. That was not a problem. They will take over much of the paperwork and transportation. Once I complete another huge stack of paperwork, my life is going to be much easier. She will be with me every Thursday night for supper and choir-- and I won't have to do any of the transporting. She'll leave from my house on Fridays to go back to her program.
I think this is going to work.
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Daughter did have one outburst during the meeting, but stayed and recovered to participate again. They were all shocked by her yelling and swearing. I assured them that was mild, she saves the big stuff for me. Once she's just visiting overnight, I shouldn't have to deal with that. I think our relationship will improve.
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Another door opened for ministry: one of the men came in to talk today about his sister. He has been her guardian for over 30 years, and he needs more help. I told him how to begin to access services for her. He knows I understand. I have several folks in the congregation who are guardians, and have sought out my support/advice. People know that I understand their family challenges, whatever they may be.
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This has become a crazy-busy week.

This Morning

We have the pre-placement meeting at 10:00 this morning. Daughter told me she wants to move today. Then she said we needed to wait until next week. She raged yesterday, but then snuggled against me to watch TV last night. I can only begin to imagine what's going through her brain right now.
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My hope is that we can move her Friday. This week is very busy. I have multiple commitments every day, which makes it challenging to do all the prep and administrative work that needs to be done.
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I put the futon back together in the guest room yesterday by myself, managing to strain my back in the process. I like the way the guest room is looking, and am eager to open the door to it. I think once the door is open, I will make use of the desk in there.
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Given all that needs to get done this week, I'd best head out to the church now....

Practicing What I Preach

I keep telling Daughter she needs to focus on the positive. I'm trying to do that, too. I'm hanging on to the moments when I catch glimpses of her excitement about moving to the group home. It's hard to ignore the screaming and flying objects, but I am going to focus on those times when she is excitedly making plans.
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I'm going to focus on the fact that she's working on cleaning her bedroom, not on the fact that she intentionally trashed it because she was moving and wanted to express her displeasure. She is there singing hymns as she works, so I'm going to focus on the power music has to calm her.
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I'm going to focus on the fact that I put the futon back together by myself, and not on the back pain I'm now having. I had waited until today, thinking Daughter would help, but it quickly became clear that if I asked for her help in the mood she was in, one of us would end up dead.
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I'm going to focus on the reality that the end is in sight. Soon I won't be living with the volatility and the manipulations. Soon I will be able to unlock things. Soon she will just be coming to visit, and we won't have the conflict that comes when I ask her to clean her room or pick up after herself. I'm going to focus on all the positive things, and I'm going to rejoice.

Back Home

I picked Daughter up this morning. She was pleased to see me. One of the staff members straightened her hair for her, so she looked cute. She's back and forth between wanting to move and refusing to move. She tried to convince the staff she had to come home yesterday by pretending she was having a bad low. She was shaking, and her blood sugar was 100. They were very concerned. I informed the she was playing them. Daughter shrugged and said, "I wanted to go home."
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I think this will be okay. I want the staff to be trained before she moves, so we'll see how quickly that can happen.

Daughter Called

Daughter made it just over 24 hours before she called to tell me I had to come get her immediately. You think she'd figure out that I don't do that. She threatened to walk home, and then threatened me. She's still there, and will probably change her mind a dozen or so times before she moves. I wouldn't want to live in her head.
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It was weird, not having her here on a Saturday. I did some yard work and some shopping, but was pretty lazy overall. I'm sure that I will adjust and will eventually enjoy my alone time, but for now, it's just weird....

And Now, For Good News

Daughter is all smiles this morning. Told me I was right about everything-- in front of witnesses. I'm much relieved.
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I've decided that I want to be present when they do the in-service training for the house staff. I trusted them when they told me the staff knew everything they need to know. I'm not going to make that mistake again.

I Should Have Growled Louder

So I took Daughter down to residential, and found an overwhelmed staff. The Medical Coordinator, who Nurse insisted was very experienced and knew how to handle everything was waiting for me. "I've only been in this position since the beginning of October, and I'm feeling overwhelmed." The information on carb content for the meals? It said 1/2 cup of pasta was 15 grams of carb. The box from the macaroni and cheese said 1 cup was 50 grams of carb. I'm glad the cook was smart enough to save the box to show me. I walked them through it several times in several different ways. I was there for over 2 hours dealing with the medical stuff. I've had 4-5 calls since I left. Nurse will not be happy to see me on Monday. Medical Coordinator told me that usually they have an in-service for all the staff before someone with the kind of needs Daughter has comes. She told me to make sure I insisted on one before move-in. She said if I insisted, they'd have to do it.
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Now for the good news: I liked all the staff I met. They were very kind and caring. Daughter couldn't see me, but I could hear her laughing and talking with the other women. She is still insisting to me that she doesn't belong there, but I think it will be okay. The staff and I will figure it out, since it seems that Nurse and Dietitian aren't going to be much help. I guess I didn't growl loudly enough.

Eight Hours

In 8 hours I will be leaving to drop Daughter off for the weekend. Case Manager called this morning. She didn't know that things weren't ready for Daughter's weekend visit. She's going to try to figure things out before she heads out for a day of visits in a few minutes. I suspect I'll end up looking like an overly anxious, overly protective mother again.
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I wonder how many of these people would leave their child someplace that wasn't prepared to manage their medical and emotional needs? Daughter is home with me today, so it will be a challenge to deal with these issues without her finding out how concerned I am about them. It could be a very interesting 8 hours.

GRRRR

This afternoon I have been corresponding with Nurse on Daughter's visit to the residential facility tomorrow. Email on medical issues from Nurse has to be secure because of hippa, so retrieving the email involves going to a secure website and logging in-- via my android. Not a fun or easy thing to do.
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She called Administrative Assistant to have her fax the orders to her. She was surprised that I thought staff should be trained before Daughter arrives tomorrow. She doesn't think she'll be able to do that. After looking at the orders, she decided maybe they should just call me before every meal to calculate the insulin for them. I told her I am willing to do that, but I will need carb information on the meals. That's a problem. Then she tells me I have to get our pharmacy to bubble wrap her meds. I called the pharmacy. They don't do that.
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I gave her a document outlining what the orders would be on Monday. I gave it to her then so she would have time to look it over and determine what training staff would need. Obviously that didn't work.
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Mama Bear is not happy right now. Not happy at all....

Education

Today I'm off to a workshop at a conference center less than 30 minutes from here. While I am being educated, I will work very hard at not worrying about whether or not the staff will be educated prior to Daughter's arrival at the group home tomorrow evening. I got the medical orders yesterday, but no one seems to be concerned about having them before tomorrow night. If I were a just above minimum wage employee, I'd feel pretty intimidated if orders that included an insulin to carb ratio and a correction factor were sprung on me 30 minutes before I was expected to follow them.
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I want Daughter to feel safe and comfortable there tomorrow. That won't happen if the staff is not comfortable and competent with handling her diabetes. She will pick up on their discomfort, and won't feel safe. I've explained all of this, but I'm not sure they believe me. Letting go is very hard.

Target

Right now I feel like I have a target on my back. Daughter is scared about the move, so she's mad, and I'm the target of her anger. It's not a fun way to live. I think I'm getting the paperwork in order. I faxed 38 pages to them yesterday-- just the pages with signatures, initials, or information they needed. Today I got the orders from the doctor's office. Since her doctor is out of town, my nurse practitioner signed them-- I'm sure she knew it would improve my health.
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I don't know how many times and in how many different ways I've explained this. I'm sure I'll have to come up with a few more before we complete the move, and then some more after she moves.
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Administrative Assistant and I sat down and mapped out the work for the rest of the year today. We're less than 2 months from 2012. It hardly seems possible.
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Now it's off to teach Bible Study. I have commitments 4 nights in a row this week. That just makes the target bigger.

Mama Bear

Daughter has been concerned about how they'll handle her program at the group home. She's afraid they won't listen to her. I decided it would help if she could talk to the nurse before she did training, so I emailed the nurse yesterday. The response I got told me all about how they had to follow orders or they'd lose their license and legal requirements. I read the answer and was furious. I hadn't asked her to disobey doctor's orders, I'd asked her to listen to Daughter, and she already wasn't listening.
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About that time Treasurer stuck his head in my office. He took a look at me and suggested he'd come back another time. I assured him he could come in, he just needed to listen to me complain for a minute. He did. He is guardian for a family member in a group home, so he does understand. I tamed down my Mama Bear fury to write a response assuring Nurse we knew that rules had to be followed, and Daughter was concerned that they wouldn't listen and needed to be heard. She agreed to meet with us before Daughter's appointment with Therapist yesterday evening.
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I knew Daughter was not going to be happy when I surprised her with the news we were meeting with Nurse, and I was right. I finally explained I'd had to get into Mama Bear mode. She started to laugh. I suggested she get into Baby Bear mode. We stopped at the house to print out some information, and she decided there were two important things to tell Nurse, so she wrote down (in all caps) BEING HEARD and FOOD.
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I was surprised, because she told me she needed to tell Nurse that she doesn't like all food, and was concerned that she wouldn't be able to eat what they offered. What she actually told her was that food needed to be secure so Daughter wouldn't get into it. Nurse did a good job of listening and reassuring Daughter. She was much more relaxed after her conversation with Nurse. She was also delighted to discover I still am willing to become Mama Bear and growl when necessary.