Regressing

I took Daughter to see Therapist this evening. I asked her Adelaide's question, and she told us she wanted to be 3. She drew pictures. She came to me right before her 3rd birthday. She equates age 3 with safety, comfort, and not being able to hear. I knew that Flasher's constant chatter was triggering her PTSD.

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When she came to me, she had a severe hearing loss. She got a loaner hearing aide, and it was amazing watching her as she began to hear. When we got home that first day, I put in a video for her and went into the kitchen to cook supper. I realized it was too quiet, and went to see what she was doing. She was standing, staring at the TV, transfixed. This video had never held her attention. I realized it was the first time she had heard the narrator. By the time medicaid paid for her to get her own hearing aide, the loaner had gone bad and she had decided it was safe to hear. Her hearing was normal. The theory is that she had shut down to protect herself from the house of horrors.

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That first year, I'd pick her up from daycare and spend the evenings rocking her. At bedtime there would be a story, a prayer, and I'd always sing her the song, Be Not Afraid. As I left her for the night, I would say, "You're safe her and no one is going to hurt you." The ritual had to be followed exactly every night. She had to have the door open. She was terrified of being shut in her bedroom.

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So, I'm going to sing Be not Afraid to her at bedtime each night. I'll also read her the book I'll Love You Forever. I will leave her bedroom door open until I go to bed. When I go to bed I'll close it and set the alarm. She wants the alarm on to protect her from temptations. Maybe this will stop the nightmares and she'll feel safe again. If she feels safe, hopefully she'll stop wetting the bed. I'm willing to try anything.

Day One with the Plan

This morning we were over at the church. Daughter straightened up the pews and ran the vacuum over muddy foot prints. She took some items to the post office. As long as she was working, she was fine, when she sat for any length of time, you could see her drooping and getting depressed. Now we're home. I typed up the chore list for her and she sat and studied it for a while.

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Our final community concert is this evening, and she has an appointment with Therapist at 5:00. She wanted me to move it up. I told her she could wait until 5:00. I pointed out that as long as she is working, she's fine, so she needs to get to work. She told me she's been dreaming about the workshop, and her friends are telling her to come back. We talked again about why she had to leave. She seems to think her friends created the drama so she would leave. I assured her that wasn't the case. Today she says she's through with Flasher. Tomorrow he may her one true love again.

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She has chosen the jobs she's going to do, and is putting music in the stereo to motivate her. She's moving very slowly. I've had a more productive day, and I'm grateful. Now it's back to work.

Interview Number Two

This evening I had a second phone interview with a congregation. I think I'm in love. I'm really impressed by what they are telling me. Most of the congregations I talk to have a history of conflict (that's what happens when you list conflict management as a skill). I ask them how they've healed and what they've learned. Up until this committee, the answer was always: "The bad people have all left and we don't have any problems any more." This congregation talked about learning to recognize and focus on their strengths. They asked me lots of questions about how I handle theological diversity. They recognize that they still have challenges, and they are seeking a pastor who will lead them through that.

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I asked them point blank how the congregation would react to Daughter. They said race wouldn't be an issue, and that in terms of her challenges, they thought the congregation would embrace her. My paperwork says that I have a special needs young adult daughter, and that there would need to be opportunities for her and she would need to feel welcomed, too. Because they aren't legally allowed to ask questions about my family, I always invite them to ask any questions they may have and tell them something of her background. This is the 4th church I thought might be the ONE. I hate to get my hopes up too high. I know that God will provide the right place at the right time. Yet I really hope this is the right place and the right time.

The Plan

So today I finally sat down and developed a job list. There are certain jobs Daughter is expected to do as a member of the family: keep her bedroom clean, take care of her cat and one other chore, today's is taking out the trash. Then there is a list of other jobs that need to be done around the house. They are broken down by room and task, and there is a price attached to each. If she does the task properly the first time, she gets the full amount. If she has to redo it once, she gets 50% of it, and if it still isn't right, she doesn't get anything. She read over the list as we drove to see Psychiatrist, and thought it was good. When we got home and she looked again, she came and told me she was overwhelmed. I explained it again. She decided that tonight she's just going to do the daily tasks. She'll work on the jobs that earn her money the days she's home all day.

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Psychiatrist told Daughter she needs to decide if she wants to grow up or not. She also needs to dump Flasher. She told me that she doesn't think she's cycling, she thinks this is the developmental conflict. There is no medication for it. I asked if there was medication for the mom. She just smiled. She did think pulling her out of the workshop was good.

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We waited over an hour for Psychiatrist. They announced she had an emergency and we could reschedule, but it takes us an hour to get there, so I decided I'd rather wait. I seem to have picked up an intestinal bug someplace. I didn't get much sleep last night, and today has had its challenges, but I'm managing. Hopefully I will get a good night's sleep tonight and tomorrow will be a better day. This is a full week, so I need to be productive every day.

Sunday

Worship, Congregational Meeting, Sunday School, Birthday Open House, Bank, Nursing Home, Store for balloons for youth group. I got home in time to do research on abusive relationships in teenagers for the youth group program. Youth group-- make your own pizzas, program, and balloons tied around the ankles to be popped. We went from abusive relationships into the pressure to be sexually active-- they brought it up, which amazed me. We had 9 boys, Daughter, and 1 girl who is pretty much nonverbal. We had a really good discussion. I was honored by the trust those guys place in me and their willingness to be open. They had a blast with the game and want to do it again. While driving between places I finally found an organist for Saturday's wedding. I'm home now and for some reason I'm exhausted-- it was over 10 hours of activity today. Of course, I haven't slept well the past two nights because I've been worrying about tracking down an organist for the wedding. Now that I have one, I should sleep well tonight.

Freudian?

Daughter has managed to turn things around today. Knowing that she needs quick rewards, I told her that if she did her chores we'd go to City and eat at her favorite Italian chain and go to the warehouse store. The car is always a good place for conversations. She talked about how she had turned things around, and I praised her and asked her where she was with Flasher. She was conflicted. I tried a different approach:

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"I know you want to be married. I understand that. I have a question for you. Can you ride a bike before you learn to walk?"

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"No."

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"Can you read a book before you know the alphabet?"

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"No."

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"Can you multiply and divide before you know how to add and subtract?"

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"No."

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I think she thought I was pretty dense by this time. "What are the things you need to be able to do before you get married?"

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She began to list them. I suggested she write a list when we got home so she could begin working on them. One of the things she said, which I had to work hard not to laugh at, was, "You can't wet the bed because that isn't comfortable for your opponent."

Seven Minutes

I told Daughter yesterday afternoon that I hoped she was going to do her share around here, but I wasn't going to assign her specific chores because I didn't want her to start arguing with me. So, she came home yesterday and wrote down a list of things she was going to do around the house, not just to earn money, but because she wanted to share the work, or so she said. I looked over the list and told her I thought it was a bit more than she could handle, but that I was glad she wanted to work and to go ahead and get started. I was busy doing laundry. She went upstairs with a bag, I suspect to clean out the litter box, and then came back downstairs and sat down and watched me sort and fold the whites. I told her if she wasn't going to work, she needed to go to her room, she wasn't going to sit around watching me work (which just causes my blood pressure to go up and results in me eventually saying unhelpful things).

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When I went upstairs a little bit later to put some of her clothes away, she was in her room with a stack of DVD's watching her portable DVD player. I took the DVD player away. If you aren't going to help, you aren't going to have access to electronics. I was called names and told that I had no right to keep her from the one true love of her life. She came downstairs and demanded her cell phone, telling me I had no right to keep it from her. I explained to her that she didn't have to work, but if she didn't work, she wasn't going to have access to things like cell phones and DVD players, as they cost money, and when you don't work, you don't have money. She threatened to call the police. I said that was fine. She disappeared upstairs with the land line and the phone book.

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When she came back downstairs she'd changed her clothes. She was wearing stretch pants and a camisole. She headed out the front door. I asked where she was going, and she announced she was going to Town. I asked how she was going to get there, fearful that she had found someone willing to come pick her up, and she announced that she was walking. It's 11 miles to Town. I said it would be a long walk. She said she didn't care. I told her I'd see her when she got back.

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She was gone 7 minutes. I decided I'd best time it in case she got far enough that I needed to go looking for her or report her missing. She came back in and shouted, "I hate it when you're right!" and returned to her bedroom. When I made her come downstairs for evening pills and insulin, I informed her that she could only wear one outfit a day. Since she wasn't helping out, I didn't want her creating extra laundry that I have to wash. She's still asleep. I'm not going to wake her up. I'm going to enjoy the calm before the storm begins.

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Obviously, she's not in a good place. My own patience has reached its limits. I am feeling slightly overwhelmed by all that I need to get done. Having her in Adult Daycare is expensive both financially and in terms of my time. I'm going to set my priorities for the day and work at not getting sucked into her drama. It will be a challenge, to say the least.

Shifting my Focus

Time to kick myself out of this funk and focus on the positive. I have been reflecting on God's hand in the midst of all of this. Removing Daughter from the toxic environment at the workshop should work to stabilize her and make it easier on her when we do move. It is also removing her from daily contact with her friends, so she will miss them less. If we go someplace where we have to wait for services, we will already be experienced in figuring out alternatives. My hope is that all of this will make the move easier when it comes.

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Holy Week I interviewed with two churches. I really liked the one, which was about an hour from my closest friend and within 90 minutes of Sister and Brother. I was concerned because I didn't have experience in one area they were seeking. I told them that, and expressed a willingness to take a class to learn (it was technology related). They asked me for a sermon CD, which I provided. Yesterday Daughter was telling me she needed a trip to visit family. She wanted to see Sister and Short Niece. I was thinking that it was too bad I hadn't heard from that church, because I could drop Daughter off with them if I were to go to an interview. Within an hour, they called me. I have a second phone interview with them Monday night.

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This one could fall through, too. I know, though, that God is at work in our lives and I will receive the right call at the right time.

Sigh

Nurse just called from the Adult Daycare Center. She was ready to call the squad because Daughter had gone out on them. She was sure her blood sugar had crashed. I assured her Daughter was conning her. She was convinced it was real. I told her to check her blood sugar, and if it was low, she could call the squad. She called back, "I guess you know your daughter." I told her to just ignore her. They used a wheel chair to move her to a recliner so she could rest.

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Today I'm frustrated. I am having a hard time finding an organist for a wedding I have May 1st. I've been so distracted, I put it off too long. I'm frustrated by the lack of resources in this area. I'm wondering if she will ever be able to go back to the workshop, and how long I continue to spend lots of money to provide her care. After all, I'm cheap. I'm frustrated because consequences don't motivate her, and I can't figure out what does. I'm tired of the lying. I'm tired of the extra laundry. I'm tired of having to keep things locked up. She managed to sneak more food upstairs this week.

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Yesterday I could see God's hand at work in this, and I still do today. But that doesn't mean that this isn't stressful and I'm not tired. I'm going to write about where I see God's hand, but not right now. Right now I'm going to feel sorry for myself. I'll get over it.

Alternatives

I talked to Case Manager this morning. There was another Day Hab program that was a possibility. I asked her to get a guarantee that they would accept Daughter before we went further with it. Both Case Manager and I suspect that the one we visited Monday was spooked when they read Daughter's plan and saw her emotional and health challenges.

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I told Daughter there were two possibilities. Initially she was quite excited about the possibility of the gift shop, she started talking about who was there and what they did. Suddenly her face fell. "I'd be at the workshop for a while every day." That is the major red flag I see in this plan. Therapist and I discussed it. I don't think Daughter is strong enough to resist the temptation right now.

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The second Day Hab program wouldn't come this far, so the gift shop and the day care center are the two options I have right now. I'm going to take it week by week, but I'm keeping her at the adult day care center for now. She told me tonight that she wants Flasher back. It confirms my sense that she can't handle being there even for 30 minutes a day right now.

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Some of the people who have been creating the drama may be leaving the workshop soon. But if the drama has become part of the culture, other people will step up to continue the drama.

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I'm tired. It's been an exhausting week. Tuesday night Daughter fed Kitten, and spilled cat food all over the floor. I asked her to sweep it up. Last night I noticed she hadn't done it. I asked her to sweep it up. Tonight it was still there. She refused to sweep it up, so I just did. She refused to do any work tonight, but wants me to take her shopping for new clothes. I think all the stress is getting to both of us. It took me 5 minutes to figure out where the keys were to the lock box with the insulin in it. She makes so much extra work for me, and tonight I'm resenting it.

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She had a good day at the adult day care center today, and it's taking over an hour out of my day to transport her to it. Now some days I can combine it with other trips, but other days it's simply time out of my day. This has been the busiest week I've had in ministry in quite a while, and I'm behind on all the household tasks. At this point, not only is she refusing to do her share, she's making more work for me. Tonight, the stress of the week is catching up with me.

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We will adjust. It will get better. It will. I think I'll go to bed early. Maybe that will help....

Shocked Speechless

I am known for my frugality-- some might say cheapness, but I prefer frugality. My sisters have more money, and are less frugal. They occasionally get frustrated with what they see as my cheapness. I was talking to Far Away Sister today as I walked into super discount store. (Neither of my sisters will shop at super discount store.) I had decided it was time to buy a new half slip. The elastic was giving out in my favorite half slip, which I inherited from Grandma. Grandma died 12 years ago.

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This afternoon I ended up on a three way call with Sister and Far Away Sister. "Hey, Sister, Reverend Mom splurged today. Tell her how you treated yourself."

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It took me a moment to figure out what she was talking about, but then I remembered. "Oh, I went to super discount store and bought a new half slip to replace the one I inherited from Grandma."

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Sister was silent. Sister is never silent. "I shocked Sister into silence!" Far Away Sister and I thought it was hilarious. It took Sister a while to recover, but she finally told me that was good that I had treated myself in that way. I need to remember this day as the day I left Sister speechless-- probably for the first and last time.

Complications

Things were going too well. Daughter called about lunch time, down and wanting me to come get her. She claimed she was having flashbacks. She does know the lingo. I gave her some suggestions, and talked to Nurse, who claimed responsibility for the problem-- Daughter had eaten her meal before everyone else because she wanted to check her blood sugar early and then said she might as well eat. She was done eating when the others got her food, which wasn't much fun. Nurse assured me that tomorrow they'd handle it differently.

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I didn't get to the hospital as early as I would have liked, but I did get over there before his surgery, and had a nice visit with him and his family. Case Manager called while I was with the family. The Day Hab program has determined that they can't provide transportation for Daughter, which means she won't be going to the Day Hab program. Case Manager went to bat for us, and got the powers that be to say that Daughter can go to the gift shop. Actually, it's not a gift shop now, but until recently the workshop had a gift shop there. Now, it is an activity site for clients who don't want to work. Daughter's old supervisor (the one who told her to stop it and put an end to her psychogenic nonepileptic seizures at the workshop) is running the program, and initially they said she couldn't go because there was only one person there and they couldn't handle her diabetic needs. CM has convinced him that they can and should.

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I didn't have time to go through all the details with CM, and she was gone by the time I left the hospital. However, Daughter would be able to go 5 days a week, and the bus would pick her up. She would have to wait briefly in the workshop lobby, so I need to think this through. I'm hoping this is a good thing. Flasher didn't call this morning, so hopefully he's moving on. CM also told me that some of the problems may be solved when some people return to community employment in the future.

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I told Special Olympics Coordinator (SOC) that I was pulling Daughter out Special Olympics for now and that I'd pulled her out of the workshop. She said someone else had pulled their kid, too. They need to get a handle on the culture there, but with the concern about rights, that's going to be easier said than done.

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Daughter has an appointment with Therapist tomorrow morning. I'm going to talk to her about timing on this. I want Daughter completely away from the workshop for at least a few more days. She saw Pregnant Best Friend and her husband at the supper tonight. She talked to them for a bit and was down when we left. She recovered fairly quickly. Unfortunately, she heard the message from the Day Hab program. She was angry, but I told her there were options, and that seemed to satisfy her. I had ordered guitar hero, and it arrived today, so she's playing with it now....

Busy Week

This is turning into a very busy week. I'm grateful Daughter is doing so well. I dropped her off at daycare this morning. She was a little nervous, but overall happy and chipper.

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She did really well yesterday. It was a long day, and she was very patient and didn't complain as she entertained herself through an afternoon of visits and an evening of commitments at the church. I had today all planned out-- I was going to get the newsletter done and then go pick up Daughter and take her to the Special Olympics fundraising supper.

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I got a call this morning. The man who collapsed in church Sunday is having heart surgery this afternoon--at the hospital that is over an hour away. He'd like me to be there, so I'll be there. I tried to visit him in the hospital yesterday, but his wife wouldn't allow him in the directory. She was trying to keep some people from finding him. The fact that she wants me at the hospital this afternoon means I really do have to be there. I probably won't be able to stay until it's done, but I will definitely be there to pray with him before he goes in. I have to pick up Daughter by 5:00. Fortunately, this hospital is in the same direction as the daycare center.

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Daughter wrote Flasher a letter yesterday telling him it's over and to leave her alone. He'd left another voice mail yesterday morning. Just the sound of his voice sets her off. I'm a little bit concerned, but she has decided that she needs to hand him the letter personally. She says it's her responsibility. She's right, but I worry about the way hearing his voice affects her. Hopefully she can give it to him tonight, and that chapter of her life will be over. I still have custody of her cell phone.

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Now I need to get over to the church. I have less than 3 hours to finish the newsletter....

Amazing

Daughter entertained herself in the church office for 3 hours last night while I was involved with other things. We didn't get home until after her bedtime, and she had a mini-meltdown. She informed me she was going to call the workshop and inform them she needed to be picked up today. When she had cooled off a little we talked, and I offered reassurance that everything would be okay. I pointed out that she hadn't felt safe for sometime, and while the new arrangements might not be perfect, they would definitely help her feel safe.

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This morning when she came downstairs, she was singing. She came into the living room and sang, "Good morning to you." She had made her own lyrics up to fit her mood and the day. It was wonderful to see her so happy. We spent the morning over at the church. She took some things to the post office to be mailed, and spent the rest of the time working on an art project for Therapist. The project shows her progress in getting out of the Deep, Dark Hole. She didn't interrupt or demand attention until 11:45, when she announced that her blood sugar was dropping. So, we came home and ate lunch.

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She knows that I have to make some visits this afternoon, and is packing her purse with things she can use to entertain herself. I am amazed at the change in her. When I talked to Therapist to set up an appointment for Daughter, I expressed regret that I hadn't recognized what was going on and taken action earlier. Therapist told me not to go down that road. As I think about it, it would have been difficult to do anything earlier, for a variety of reasons. This is happening at the right time. I really do see God's hand in this, and I am grateful.

Setting the Wheels in Motion

Daughter and I went to visit the Day Hab site this afternoon. Case Manager was also there. It will take some work to get all the paper work in order, but the plan is for Daughter to attend their 3-4 days a week. There is one day they are full, and another day that is questionable. They also have to figure out the bus route. The place is 25 miles from here, and they haven't come this far north before. I view time on the bus as bonus time that I don't have to deal with her. The day hab program won't cost me anything. She is excited and scared. She alternates between playful and down and scared. Part of the time she was pointing out things they had, part of the time she was sitting on the floor wrapped around my leg. I liked the people, and while I think Daughter will be one of the highest functioning, that's okay for right now.

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She will go to the adult day care Wednesday-Friday this week, and at least 2 days a week until she starts the day hab program. Then she may attend one day a week. I'm tired, but relieved that we've come up with a workable plan.

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I wrote a letter to Flasher's mom. Case Manager is going to address and mail it (she can't give me the address because of confidentiality issues and I don't know mom's last name). She thought it was a good letter. She also listened to the voice mails so she can confirm what Flasher said. I'm going to pull Daughter out of Special Olympics for right now. I hate to do it, but it became obvious yesterday that there is no good level of contact with him.

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Daughter has lost the ability to earn money at the workshop, so I've suggested she stay at home on Thursdays and I will give her jobs she can do around the house to earn money. I have to develop a job list and how much I'll pay her for each. We're going to make this work. As Far Away Sister said, Daughter has learned there are always options, and she's not trapped. That's a good thing for her to know.

Drama and Daycare

I am now in possession of Daughter's cell phone. Flasher called and left her two voice mails this morning. He is sorry about his mom, he still loves, he wants their relationship to continue, and he provided instructions for how to contact him without either of the evil moms knowing about it. Daughter admitted that she had had a friend send him text messages on her behalf. I had text messaging blocked on her phone after she subscribed to several premium services.

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She still loves him, and is determined to continue the relationship. Sigh. We visited the adult daycare center this morning. She liked it. It will work out, though it will be expensive. This afternoon we go to the day hab program south of here. That wouldn't cost money. I suspect we will end up using a combination of the two. Case Manager may come to the day hab program this afternoon.

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I am going to write Flasher's mom a letter. I need to cool down a bit before I write it, but I am going to ask that she not talk to Daughter again, but come to me with concerns. I am going to point out all the times I haven't called the cops about her son, and suggest that maybe she needs to concern herself with his activities more than Daughter's. I am seriously considering pulling Daughter out of any Special Olympic sports that he is doing.

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Daughter's sense of humor is returning, and when she hasn't been berating me for trying to prevent her from seeing her True Love, she's been playful this morning. My hope is that once her days are filled with other things she will be able to set Flasher aside. I hope.

A Challenging Day

Today has been a challenging day. After several days of summer, winter returned yesterday. Unfortunately, our furnace had already gone on summer vacation. It was not easy to drag myself out of bed this morning. This was one of those mornings when everyone wanted a peace of me. A man who has some health problems and hadn't been in church for a while was there this morning. His son brought him. It was good to see him. The special music this morning was beautiful, and it moved Daughters to tears. I saw her leave worship. The woman she was sitting with indicated she was crying.

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As I was beginning the time with the children, the man had an attack of some kind. The nurses of the congregation converged on him, and someone got the AED while someone else called 911. I prayed for him, then returned to the children and tied the excitement into my conversation with them about the power of God's love.

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You have heard me say before that Tiny Village is very isolated. Our fire protection comes from a volunteer department 10 miles away. It takes them at least 15 minutes to get to us. We sang a hymn, and I went to check out the situation. I preached a sermon and called for the offering, and went and checked on the man. His color had improved, and he was responsive. The squad finally arrived. I wasn't timing them, but a board member said it was 30 minutes. I asked the congregation to remain in their seats until after the medics had gotten the man to the ambulance. They were very obedient.

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After a few more conversations about difficult situations, I came home, thanked the trustees who had called the furnace back to duty, and changed clothes. I dragged Daughter with me to the hospital, where I checked on the man. They were thinking he'd had another small stroke or heart attack. He was doing well. I stood there talking to him in the ER and thinking of all the times I had done this with Dad. In that moment, he reminded me of Dad.

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I took Daughter to lunch, and ran into some members. We had a conversation about their mom, who they just moved to a nursing home. She is having some struggles with confusion. I found myself remembering Mom.

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We ran into the grocery store to get milk and bread, and put them in our insulated bags and headed to track practice. Flasher was there, and Daughter spoke to him briefly. He asked if she'd be at the workshop tomorrow. She told him she wouldn't, and he was frustrated because he was planning to bring her an engagement ring on Monday. So all the way home I heard how she had to be at the workshop tomorrow and she had to follow her heart and she loved Flasher and wanted to spend the rest of her life with him.

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We got home, I gathered my papers, and went over to the church. A couple I'm marrying was waiting for me. We ran through the final plans for the wedding. As they left, the board arrived, along with some guests from the regional church who had come to check on the health of the church and answer their questions. We put a number of business items off until next month so we could be done by 6:00.

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I came home, exhausted. As I was heating up leftovers for supper and talking to Far Away Sister about estate matters, Daughter got a call on her cell phone. She hung up and was sobbing. Flasher's mom called her and told her if she didn't stay away from her son, she was going to call the cops and charge her with harassment. She told Daughter that she was never to talk to her son again.

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It confirms that the decision to pull Daughter out of the workshop was the right one. I'm struggling with the idea of her going to the area track meet next month. I had not planned to go, and I don't know that I want her there with Flasher. I want her to be in Special Olympics, but I don't want her around Flasher. She has suffered enough because of him. I wish I knew the truth of what had gone on between them. I will call Case Manager tomorrow to tel her about what happened today. I'll let the deal with it.

Conflicted

I let Daughter sleep as long as she wanted this morning. It was noon before she rolled out of bed. She was dry! C came over and we put Daughter's bed back together and put her dresser back in her room. I washed all the linens again with deodorizer. Even washing the daily, they still had the urine smell. Her room is now fresh. She was very pleased to have her room back to something a bit more normal. I haven't put her desk or nightstand in yet, but they will come as she shows she can handle things.

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She has had several moments of anxiety and anger today. Change is hard. She's going miss her friends. She should be able to stay at the workshop. Her friends think I'm evil. Each time we've talked things through, and she's acknowledged that this is what is best for her. She knows this is the best thing for her, but both of us are anxious as we figure out how we're going to manage without the workshop.

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When she gets through the anger, she's been happy and cooperative today. Her sens of humor is returning. Her playful nature is back. I'd forgotten how charming she could be. I'd forgotten what it was like to enjoy spending time with her. I'm grateful.

Reality Hits

I knew that some point it would hit Daughter that she was leaving her friends and familiar routine. One of the reasons I decided to celebrate adoption day yesterday evening was to distract her. It worked, at least for the most part. She came home and slept (avoidance). She loved the show, but was sobbing during the intermission (which is pretty much how she handles all shows). She came home and complained of being in terrible physical pain. At one point she was doubled over on the floor because she was in so much pain. Having been conned far too many times, I offered her ibuprofen, which she declined, and pretty much ignored the dramatics.

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Change is always hard for her, and this is a pretty major change. I'll admit, I'm a bit concerned about how it will all work out, too. I remain confident, though, that this is the right choice. We had a discussion about where we wold go to eat last night. She wanted a restaurant I'd eaten in twice this past week (once with her). I wanted a different place. Since I was driving and paying....

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"Fine. I see this is an argument I'm not going to win."

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"You should be thanking me. Thank you, Mom, for taking me out to eat. Thank you, Mom, for adopting me. Thank you, Mom, for keeping me even when I'm being a turkey."

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"Gobble. Gobble."

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I chuckled, which prompted her to giggle and say, "Happy Thanksgiving!"

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I'm hoping that with this change, I'll see more of her humor. That's my hope and prayer as we enter into a challenging week....

The Plan

I went to the adult day care center today. While I was there, Daughter called me. She was sobbing. She wanted me to come get her right away. She needed to clean out her locker and leave forever. Someone wouldn't leave her alone. As I listened, what I heard was that she couldn't handle being in a place she knew she was leaving. So, I went and picked her up early. She cleaned out her locker and I got all her diabetes supplies from the clinic. She freaked the staff out by telling them she was not coming back. She was very happy and chipper about leaving. I'm a little shell-shocked.

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The waiver won't help with the daycare. There is a day habilitation program about 25 miles south of here that the waiver would help cover. Monday morning we're going back to the adult day care center so I can meet with the nurse. The plan is to start her on Wednesday. It will cost me almost $50 a day. Monday afternoon we'll go check out the day habilitation program. It sounds like their "members" are much lower functioning than Daughter. They work on life skills-- like meal planning, cooking, and cleaning. They have 4-11 members there on any given day. They do lots of activities in the community.

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Tonight we're going out to eat and then to a musical that Town high school is doing. Therapist's daughter has the lead role in it. Tomorrow will be the 15th anniversary of Daughter's adoption, so that is the reason for our celebration. We have some kind of celebration every year. Daughter is the one who keeps track, I never seem to think about adoption day, but she does. It's very important to her. I'm glad she sees it as something to celebrate.

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Case Manager was amazed at how happy Daughter was to be leaving the workshop. We hope that means it will be a healing move for her. I want to get her back to where she was 3 years ago. I want to see her moving forward, not backwards.

The Decision

In a little while I will be heading to Town to begin the enrollment process for the adult daycare center. The good news is that there is another young woman Daughter knows who attends 3 days a week (and the days I was thinking about enrolling Daughter). The better news is that her waiver may cover all (or some) of the cost.

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Some of the things I heard last night:

• Pregnant Best Friend has been pressuring Daughter to get married and pregnant because, as Daughter puts it, "It's a wonderful feeling to have your feet swell up and have to sit with your feet elevated and not be able to do anything." I think she was being sarcastic.
• Flasher has an engagement ring he intends to bring to Daughter (not sure how reliable he is).
• Flasher is on probation for assault.
• Daughter knows she wouldn't be safe with Flasher, but thinks he has lots of money.
• There are lots of interpersonal conflicts that Daughter gets drawn into, and she often feels the need to protect her friends from verbal abuse.

Now this morning, Daughter called me, sobbing, from the bus. She's afraid and not sure she wants to make this change. This was more in line with what I expected from her. She has a very difficult time with change, and I was amazed by how happy she was last night. Her happiness about the possibility was really what convinced me that it was the right move. This won't be easy, but I think it is a very important thing to do for Daughter's emotional well being.

Three years ago she was doing so well that we (Therapist and I) allowed her to make contact with her birth mother. She hasn't done well since, and we've always had some circumstance we could point to as the reason: contact with birth family, grandparents decline and death. She has adjusted to the reality that she can't have contact with her birth family because it is such a powerful trigger for her PTSD. She has dealt with the death of her grandparents. The only stress left in her life is the workshop. I'm hoping that in time this move will give me back the delightful Daughter I was enjoying 3 years ago. That is my hope and prayer.

A Decision

This evening I made a difficult decision. I'm pulling Daughter out of the workshop. I recently went back and reread some of my first posts here, and it made me aware of how much she has regressed. Sister pointed out a couple of months ago that it has been forever since Daughter was really stable for more than a week or two. My decision was confirmed when Daughter, after protesting for a bit, agreed that it was the right thing to do. I suspect that there are lots of triggers there for her PTSD.

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Since I can't leave her home alone and I can't do all the things I need to do in ministry with her with me, I'm going to see about enrolling her in the adult daycare center in town. I'm sure it will be expensive, not only financially but also in terms of my time. It's almost 12 miles to get there, so it will take about 90 minutes out of my day. My plan right now is to take her there on Wednesday and Friday. Tuesdays and Thursdays I'm in the office. We can put her to work folding bulletins and such, and I can spend those afternoons on sermons and other office work. Wednesdays and Fridays will become the days I schedule pastoral care over a meal and most visits.

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For visits that have to be made on Tuesdays and Thursdays, Daughter will wait in the car or in lobbies. She's done it before. I will call tomorrow to see what I have to do to get her enrolled in the adult daycare center. I'm sure there will be lots of forms and probably some doctor visits. I'm not looking forward to the complications this will bring to my schedule, but if it makes evenings more pleasant, it will be worth it.

Ministry

This has been an interesting week in ministry. I have been entrusted this week with family secrets, which is always an honor. It's hard, seeing the pain that is in so many families. They work so hard to hide that pain, to put on a good face. In the midst of hiding their own pain, they don't see that other families are in just as much pain. The causes may be different, but the pain is just as difficult. Because I've been so open about Daughter's struggles (I figure that the more people who know the truth, the more people there are to stop the wild rumors), people know that I can understand and empathize with their struggles.

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So I hear the secrets. I carry the secrets. I grieve, and I pray. We live in a broken world, and there is a great deal of suffering in it. Hopefully by sharing the secrets, they lighten their loads just a little. Hopefully hearing that they are not alone and that I am not going to judge them enables them to stand a little taller. Often, though, I wish I could do more....

A New Plan

I thought Daughter was doing better, and she did seem to be better Monday and part of yesterday, but I had a couple over for counseling last night, which she saw as an excuse to return to old ways. She took a bag of unopened croutons up to her room and ate most of them. She slept on a comforter instead of sheets, meaning it will take at least two loads to wash her linens today. This morning she attempted to hide her cheese in the trash instead of eating it at breakfast.

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Of course, in her eyes, I'm the one who is causing all the problems. I'm being mean. I'm treating her poorly. I got called a choice name this morning. I shouldn't have called her on behavior. I didn't yell, I didn't rant and rave or threaten dire consequences, I calmly reminded her of the rules. Her own conscience, though, is creating guilt that she's trying to blame on me.

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It's time to try a new tactic. New tactics are getting much harder to find, unfortunately. This evening, I'm instituting a reverse sticker chart. I read about it in one of the forums here. I will get a sticker every time she is disrespectful, lies, or fails to follow the house ruled. After I get a certain number of stickers, I will get a treat. I have to figure out what my treat will be, but I'll come up with something. Hopefully it will help me get back the attitude I had on Sunday morning.

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One of the books I read on Reactive Attachment Disorder talked about the importance of being "predictably unpredictable." I know that the reverse sticker chart won't solve the problem forever, but that's okay. If it gives us a few good days, I'll be grateful.

Taking Care of Business

Today has been a day for taking care of business. In the office this morning I worked on updating our database and straightening out some mailing lists. I took a break to take a young woman out to lunch and then came home and finished my income taxes. They were complicated by the family trust and the fact that I hired household help. I called Far Away Sister and she pulled up their tax return on turbo.tax, and I finally figured out what I needed to change in order for it to be accepted. Her husband had problems at the same point. Sister is going to work on her taxes tonight, and said she'd call me if she got stuck. The good news, though, is that I don't owe any additional taxes. I also exchanged some emails with the attorney who is setting up my will and the special needs trust for Daughter.

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Daughter came home in a surly mood. I asked her what was wrong, and she told me she wasn't allowed to talk about it at home. I reminded her that she also wasn't supposed to take out her bad mood on me, and she managed to turn it around. She seems happier, and I think she's being a bit more responsible. I have no idea why she is improving, but I am very grateful. She was even able to take some teasing at supper, and expressed appreciation for the chef salad and fruit salad I had made.

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I have a couple coming for premarital counseling tonight. When they first contacted me, I wasn't sure I'd be here for their wedding. I struggled with whether or not I should tell them I might not be here for their wedding. I'm going to be here for the next two weddings, and maybe even the one in January.

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God will provide the right place at the right time. I may need to listen to yesterday's podcast again....

Mission Accomplished

Yesterday evening Daughter came to me and asked, "Are you taking your shower in the morning?"

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"I haven't decided yet. Don't you want to take yours in the morning? I thought this morning was fun."
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"I thought it was torture!"

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I was delighted to know that Daughter had found my cheery shower attitude to be torture. It was what I wanted to happen--she got her way, and it didn't work out as she had hoped.

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I have spent the day running errands. This is the first chance I've had to sit down at the computer. It was a long day, but I got quite a big accomplished. Neurologist is weaning Daughter off one of her seizure medications. We are both pleased. Even Daughter has decided he's okay now that he is getting her off some of her meds. He told me he ran into some people from Tiny Village and told them that the preacher was a good friend of his.

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Daughter was complaining about the fact that they've moved her to a group that doesn't have work at the workshop. She couldn't figure out why. I suggest that if you turn down work enough times, they'll take it away from you and give it to someone else. She was not pleased, but later told Therapist that she had been moved because she "spent too much time standing around, complaining, hiding in the bathroom, and not doing work."

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I thought Flasher was history, and that Phone Harasser was the current flame. As of today, that's changed. She dumped PH and is back with Flasher. She told Therapist, "Do you want to hear the story of all the drama the workshop involving PH, Flasher, and me?"

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I was down yesterday after hearing I'd missed out on another church. Today one of the podcasts I subscribe to spoke directly to my frustration. God always provides something to put things in perspective.

Foiled Again

At youth group tonight, Daughter went over to the park with the kids to play softball. Secretary and I stayed in the church kitchen, where we had a supper for the kids. One of Secretary's Foster Sons came running in to tell me that Daughter had fallen. He looked concerned, but she was conscious, so I informed him it was attention seeking behavior and he should tell her to come back over to the church. FS grinned, "I kind of wondered."

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Daughter came in a few minutes later and showed us her injured knee and elbow. I looked and said, "No blood, you're fine." Secretary wasn't impressed either. I told her to sit down.

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She sat for a few minutes and then asked if she could go back and rejoin the game. I told her that no, I couldn't risk her falling again. After we were done, I made her stay and lock the door for Secretary. She protested. I informed her she owed that to FS.

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At track practice she'd made a show of not feeling well and checking her blood sugar. I was watching, but didn't ask how she was or move towards her. I'm sure she was quite disappointed to discover her blood sugar was normal.

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I hope that eventually she'll figure out this attention seeking behavior isn't working. I hope. I did have a wonderful time with our youth tonight. We truly have a great bunch of kids. It's nice that I'm finding rewards in my ministry to help shift my focus from the challenges with Daughter. I had a phone call today. The church I interviewed with last month is calling someone else. The right place will come at the right time.

Making It Her Problem

Daughter is very hard to roust from bed on Sunday mornings. I always have her shower the night before, so that we aren't competing for the bathroom on Sunday mornings. She insisted she wanted to do it this morning, and I told her she had to do it last night. Of course, she had to show me I couldn't control her, so she wet the bed.

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Now Daughter and I have very different ideas of what constitutes washing in the shower. Very different ideas. Since I don't watch her shower, I can't force her to actually use shower gel and wash her body. Doesn't work. This morning as soon as I got out of the shower, I began calling for her to get up and in the shower. She was slow, of course. I told her she'd have to take her shower while I was still in the bathroom, since we were running out of time. So while I did my hair and make-up, she showered behind me.

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I made sure I was cheery and congratulated her on winning-- she'd certainly shown me that she could take her shower in the morning. My back was too her, but I could see every move she was making in the large mirror I was using. So I insisted she had to use soap. Then I insisted she had to wash her face. In fact, I wanted her to wash every part of her body. She was not happy, of course. But I stayed chipper and told her how wonderful it was that she'd proved she could take her shower in the morning. I have to confess, I was having fun. She began breathing strangely and swaying. She was quite dramatic as she sat down in the bathtub and leaned against the shower door. I ignored it. I did tell her she'd best get moving if she was going to have breakfast before church.

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She finally realized she wasn't going to win and stood up and finished her shower-- suddenly she wasn't swaying at all. It's amazing, the healing power of anger. I finished my preparations, came downstairs and began to set up her breakfast. She has Special Olympics track practice this afternoon, so she came downstairs wearing sweats. I informed her she wasn't wearing sweats to church, and she'd have plenty of time to change following worship. She then demonstrated her skill in swearing to me, but did go change.

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By this time it was later than I had wanted to be over to the church, but I supervised her pills, gave her her insulin, and suggested she might want to do something with her hair before she came over to the church. Yes, I was frustrated with her, but I also thoroughly enjoyed calmly and cheerily giving her a hard time.

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After worship, I had to do something in the office, where her Sunday School class meets. The lesson was about respecting others. I told her I hoped she was hearing it. When she got home, she went straight to her room to change. She came down wearing shorts and a sweatshirt. I asked what she'd done with her other clothes. She'd put them in the laundry basket. I told her she needed to go hang them up. She told me she'd hung them up 3 times before she finally did. It took her that long to realize that I wasn't going to give up and I would check to see if she was lying. We ate lunch here at home today-- normally we eat out on Sunday. Lunch was not her favorite foods, but she at least was smart enough not to complain.

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Her three lies came after she apologized and told me she was going to turn it around today. So far she hasn't worked very hard at turning things around, but I'm going to make sure that it's her problem, not mine. I'm going to have a good day no matter what she does.

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A Ladder Up

This morning I realized that Daughter had once again gotten herself into her deep, dark hole, and probably didn't know how to get out of it. I left a note at her place at the kitchen table entitled, "A Ladder out of the Deep, Dark Hole." There was a list on it:

• Clean up bedroom and run the vacuum cleaner.
• Clean the back porch bathroom and sweep and vacuum the back porch.
• Respect Mom.

The last item on the list was the ice cream place she wanted to go yesterday. She does better with written directions than she does with verbal ones, so I didn't say a word. She read the list and said, "I can do this." I heard her upstairs singing as she was doing her work.

I figured something else out, too. She has been coming out of her room dressed only in a robe when I call her. She's been upstairs masturbating, which triggers her PTSD big time. I confirmed that was what was going on, and explained it to her. I said, "I bet it feels good, but then you feel scared and angry." She acknowledged this was the case. I told her that it was reminding her of bad things that happened when she was very little, but she was older now and had a voice, so that didn't mean it would happen again. Far Away Sister suggested I check her cell phone to make sure she wasn't taking pictures. I did, and she wasn't

It turns out Therapist was right. She broke up with Flasher on Wednesday, and told him she wouldn't come back again. She said he was talking trash to her. I didn't ask what that was. Of course, she's now going with Phone Guy. She was talking on the phone to him quite a bit a couple of years ago. His parents told her they were going to report her to the cops for phone harassment. PG insisted that she was making all the phone calls. When PG's mom called I told her that PG was making many of the calls. She insisted her son wasn't making any of them, it was all Daughter. I went over the cell phone statement and highlighted the calls. PG was making more of them than Daughter. They never acknowledged that they'd been wrong, of course. Whenever Daughter has wanted to get together with PG, I've reminded her of the history. There are other problems in his past, of course, but at the time, the police threat was quite traumatic for Daughter. (Men in uniforms are also triggers-- birth dad wore a uniform and would come home and beat the kids while wearing it.)

I made the list easy, because it's important for her to experience some success quickly. Hopefully this will break the pattern and get her moving forward again. For today, I seem to have found something that is working. It may not work tomorrow, but for today, it's working. For today, that is enough.

It's Going to Be a Long Weekend

I asked Daughter to fold about a dozen microfiber cloths I had removed from the dryer. She folded one, and then couldn't stay awake. She suggested that if I took her out for ice cream, that would wake her up. For some strange reason, I wasn't in the mood to take her out for ice cream.

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She spent the rest of the day hiding in her room. I intercepted 2 cans of pineapple and the can opener from her on her way up the stairs. I asked her if she ever planned to do a chore again. She informed me that I'm scaring her so she's just going to hide in her room all weekend. She'll survive by sneaking food out of the pantry. She refuses to tell me what I'm doing that's scaring her. I have the feeling it is going to be a very long weekend....

No Magic Eraser

Once again Daughter came downstairs this morning affectionate and apologetic. She seems to think that if she apologizes, it erases the reality that she is refusing to cooperate or do any work around the house. I've got to admit, it's a great idea. Refuse to work, let mom do everything, and then apologize and everything will be fine.

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Being a mean mom, I don't see it working that way. I told her I had been considering going to City tomorrow, but since I had all this extra work I was having to do, I was too far behind to make the trip. That bothered her quite a bit. Will it make a difference? I doubt it. The problem is, at some point I'm going to have to go to City. Since my day off is booked solid next week, it's going to be hard to find a time I can go and not take her. I'm reluctant, though, to give her what she considers a real treat when she is being so uncooperative here at home.

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The good news is that she's off to the workshop for another day. Hopefully my day will be productive, and tomorrow I can focus on household chores and not church work.

Issues

Like many kids who got a rough start in life, Daughter has lots of food issues. I remember an incident from her early days with me. I had made Spanish rice for supper, and when we were done I was pleased to see that we had enough left over for a second meal. I left the kitchen to do something, and when I returned, Daughter had eaten all of the leftovers. She was 3 years old.

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The diabetes complicates the food issues tremendously. Diabetes is hard enough without piling food issues on top of it. Everything she eats needs to be measured and covered with insulin. When she comes to me wanting to eat something, I seek to avoid saying no. I may ask her to wait until a specific time, or tell her she can choose one thing of two she wants. I may make suggestions of substitutions, but my goal is to avoid no.

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I also seek to minimize temptations. She loves pop tarts. At various times she has talked me into buying a box for her breakfast. We discuss the fact that she can have one for breakfast, and she can't sneak them. By the end of the first day, they have usually vanished. I finally stopped buying pop tarts. I generally make just enough food for the meal. Left overs are a temptation, and it is easier to calculate carbs if I just make two servings and then divide whatever it is between us. Generally, we don't have chips in the house. The bag she took the other night was for taco salad.

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Today when she came home from the workshop, she wanted to have a snack. She wanted the rest of the broccoli-rice casserole from Easter. I pointed out her blood sugar was a little high, and eating a snack would increase it, so she wouldn't feel very good. I also pointed out that we would be eating supper within 30 minutes. I planned on the left over casserole and sausage sandwiches for supper. When I called her to come eat, she told me she didn't feel good and wasn't hungry. Just 30 minutes earlier she was begging for food.

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Part of the issue is she has trouble interpreting her body's messages. Within the last two years she has come to me complaining of some ailment. When she describes the symptoms, I'll tell her she needs to go to the bathroom. She'll argue, but eventually go, and come out and reluctantly tell me I was right and she feels better. How many people in their 20's don't know when they need to go relieve themselves?

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She'll tell me her stomach is hurting really bad, and that she's burping and feels like she's going to throw up, and then ask for food to cure it. I try not to make food an issue, but obviously, it is. Tonight she refused to eat her sausage sandwich. She's retreated to her bedroom. I'm not sure if she really feels sick, or if she's just trying to avoid the laundry I asked her to sort and fold. I never know. I have told every school she has been at that I may end up sending her to school sick, but that I will gladly come and get her if she is really sick. My definition of really sick: someone has witnessed her throwing up, or she has a fever.

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Tonight I suspect her complaint has more to do with avoidance. I don't think she's happy with the way things are going at the workshop. She's doing a pretty good job of keeping the workshop at the workshop, and she didn't call me today. She did tell me, though, that they moved her out of the work group with all her friends. Her friends had work today, but she didn't. I can understand why they did that, but it's not necessarily good for her to be in a group that doesn't have work very often.

Trying Hard

Daughter is trying so hard to hook me in to the workshop drama. This morning she was chipper when she got up, and was being cooperative. She kept calling me, "Your majesty," and bowing to me. She even commented on how it was a good day. I walked into the kitchen where she was unloading the dishwasher. She was crying. Huge crocodile tears. I asked her what was wrong. Of course she didn't respond right away. I had to ask several times as the crying intensified before she was able to speak and tell me the problem.

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"I have to get a new job."

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"Why?"

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"I have to get a new job."

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"Why do you have to get a new job?"

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"Because of P-p-p-pregnant Best Friend. I can't be there with her."

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"I'm sorry you're having problems with PBF. You have other friends there."

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"No I don't. PBF has talked to all of them about me. I'm sorry. I know I'm not supposed to bring this stuff home."

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"Did you lie to her?"

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"No!"

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"Well, you have in the past."

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"But I promised PBF and a small group that I would never lie to them again."

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"Sometimes it takes a while for people to trust you again after you've lied to them so many times."

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She gave up when she saw I wasn't going to buy into the drama. It's her responsibility, not mine.

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She's off to the workshop and even managed to cheer up before the bus came. As she was going out the door. She had one last thing to say as she bowed to me. I'm trying to figure out whether she intended the literal meaning of I should take it as another sign of her challenges with proper use of some words. "I forbid you to have a good day, your majesty." Maybe it was Freudian....

My Joy

Today has been one of those days that reminds me how fortunate I am to be a pastor. I've been working on the sermon for Sunday, and digging into it in ways that I haven't in a very long time, going so far as to go to the original Greek. I'm excited about the discoveries I'm making, and look forward to sharing them with my people.

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This afternoon I visited some of our elderly members. I talked to a woman who just turned 95. She was excited about the party they had for her. She was so excited she told me about it a couple of times. Yes, she's a bit confused, but she certainly remembered her party! I talked to some of my favorite people, a wonderful couple who have been married for a very long time. He was a POW in WWII. She was telling me about a new book she's reading, and we talked some about politics. I shared the highlights from Easter.

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Then I went to visit a woman who recently returned to her home after a brief hospitalization and trip to a nursing home for rehab. She has buried her husband, daughter, great grandson, and her last surviving sibling fell and broke her hip this week. She was asking me questions about a sermon she'd heard on tv. We talked about family, and how she's coping with being home. Several times she repeated things I've said to her over the years. She was repeating things I don't remember saying, but she remembers them. My words have meant so much to her she's held on to them and pulls them back out to help her understand/cope with situations. I can't express what it means to me that my words would have such an impact on her life.

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I consider it a gift when God gives me rewarding days in ministry following a frustrating day of parenting. It helps balance things out.

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Daughter did call as I was headed to town today. She needed to be picked up from the workshop. I inquired as to why, hoping she'd broken up with Flasher. The problem was with Pregnant Best Friend. PBF called her a liar at lunch today. I showed great restraint and didn't point out to her that she does tell lots of lies. I didn't ask her if she'd lied to PBF. I did tell her she needed to work it out with PBF. She told me she couldn't, because PBF won't talk tot her. I suggested she converse with other people then, and reminded her that Therapist had told her she had a voice and needed to deal with these situations, and that what goes on at the workshop needs to stay at the workshop. She hung up on me. She is now on the bus home, so she made it through the day.

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Her problems are kept in perspective by a day of ministry that has given me such joy. I am grateful.

The Morning After

I was late getting to bed last night-- I had to cool off before my anger would let me sleep. As a result, I was a little late beginning my work out this morning, which meant that I had to fix Daughter's breakfast, get her pills and insulin, and bring them all out into the living room so that she wouldn't be in the kitchen unsupervised this morning.

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She was apologetic this morning, but she won't tell me that she'll stop the behavior. I think that is an honest answer. She acknowledges that my rules are reasonable and designed to keep her safe, but she just can't (or won't) promise me that she'll follow them.

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As per our agreement with Therapist, we haven't talked about Flasher. She's still with him, because she went upstairs to brush her teeth after breakfast. Getting her to brush her teeth is almost impossible, so her desire to brush them can only be the result of wanting to please a man. Therapist thought that by the end of today it would be over. I don't think that will be the case. It would be nice, but I think it's going to take more time.

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Flasher may be the one who breaks it off when he gets frustrated with only seeing her at the workshop and not be able to touch her there. I am glad it's not my problem.

My Meltdown

Daughter's blood sugars have been running low. I've been gradually reducing her insulin as I try to eliminate the lows. I've been concerned, because I know she's into extra food. I can't figure out why she's running low if she's into extra food. I've wondered if she could have gotten a hold of some insulin, though I'm really careful about keeping the insulin in a locked box in the refrigerator.

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Yesterday I discovered two empty food containers upstairs in the tv room. She had them hidden in a foot locker that I use to store old video tapes. She had jammed so much stuff in there (a number of her clean clothes that she didn't want to hang up were also crammed in there-- I was watching the floor of her closet, so she had to find a new hiding space) that she could no longer close the lid. That's how I found it.

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When she got home from the workshop today, her blood sugar was in the 60's, which is too low. It shouldn't have been that low, especially since she was a little high at lunch. She ate a few glucose tabs, and then I gave her some banana bread I'd made yesterday to use up some over ripe bananas. She'd has some banana bread for breakfast, and she was delighted when I gave her more to cover the low. She went upstairs to do her work. I went into the kitchen a few minutes later, and the banana bread was missing. There wasn't much left, but I knew where it had been, and it was missing.

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I went upstairs, and she was sleeping (her blood sugar was high, so of course she was sleepy). I demanded to know what she'd done with the banana bread. She'd eaten it all and put the empty container on top of the refrigerator. She knew I was unhappy.

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So a little later she comes downstairs and tells me how sorry she is and tells me she's trying to show me respect and do what she's supposed to do. Of course, she hasn't taken care of the recycling that needs to go out tonight, or the dirty clothes she's dumped on her bedroom floor, or finished hanging up the clothes I'd discovered yesterday. I told her she at least had to get the recycling out.

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Finally she began to move to do that. I went to the kitchen to unlock the lock box and get her night time insulin out, still worrying about the mystery of her blood sugars. I was pondering again the possibility she had somehow managed to get some insulin. I walked into the kitchen, and discovered a whole bag of Do.ritos was missing. I lost it. I yelled at her. I told her I was trying so hard to keep her safe and I couldn't, because she was working against me. I wanted to hit her, but I didn't. I told her to get away from me, I couldn't deal with her right then.

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I over reacted. I reacted out of my fear. It's possible that her eating is what has been keeping her safe at night. There is this problem people with diabetes have called, "dead in bed syndrome." Basically, a parent goes in in the morning and discovers their child has died during the night. The theory is that the blood sugar drops too low overnight, the individual doesn't wake up, and ends up dying. It's the fear of every parent of a someone with diabetes.

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It is impossible to figure out her insulin needs when I don't know what she has eaten. Impossible. And a mistake could kill her. She says she doesn't have any other food upstairs. Of course, less than an hour before I discovered the missing chips, she'd given me this heart felt apology and told me that she was trying to show me respect and cooperate. I can't keep her safe. I can't keep her away from Flasher. I can't keep her away from food. She will always find a way. If she can't get at food here, she'll go steal it from the church, or buy it from the vending machine in town. My number one priority has always been her safety. But I can't keep her safe from herself. She wins. Of course, ultimately that means she loses.

Secretary and Daughter

Yesterday Secretary had a biopsy on her lymph nodes. Today she is having knee surgery. She plans to be in the office on Thursday, though I've told her that she should stay home. The good news is that the surgeon told her husband that he doesn't think she has cancer-- he thinks her lymph nodes are swollen due to infection.

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Daughter is unloading the dishwasher right now, and insisting she doesn't have enough time to complete it. The bus won't be here for at least 10 minutes and we have a small portable dishwasher. I could have it done in about 2 minutes, but she might not have time. She moves very slowly.

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She didn't wet the bed last night, and woke up in a chipper mood. She announced that if there is work today she will do it. Therapist told her she couldn't call me, so we'll see how she does with that. I'm going to spend a bit of time in the office this morning before I head south for a meeting. The meeting will be church related, not about Daughter. That will be a welcome change.

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I'm relieved that the Flasher situation is now completely Daughter's responsibility. I don't want to know what's going on with the relationship anymore. It's not my problem. The challenge will to be to make sure that I continue to view it as her problem, and don't allow her to suck me in.

My Poor Tongue

Daughter had an appointment with Therapist this morning. Fortunately, Therapist had an open hour following Daughter's appointment. We needed it all.

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Last Wednesday, Daughter began to ease back into full time at the workshop. It was the first time she had been there with Flasher for a while. She agreed to be his girl friend again. She wants to be his girl friend.

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I'm angry, scared, sad, defeated, you name it, I'm feeling it. Therapist did her best to frame it in a helpful manner. We have a plan: Daughter has a voice. She used her voice to get into this, she will have to use her voice to get out of it when she's ready. Flasher's name is not to be mentioned in our home. None of us (Therapist, Case Manager, Me) will talk to Daughter about Flasher until after she's broken up with him. It's her problem, not ours, and we will not be pulled into the drama.

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She knows I'm angry. She sat in the back seat on the way home to give me space. She can see him at the workshop, but that's it. There will be no enabling contact outside of the workshop. What happens at the workshop is to stay at the workshop, and she is not to bring the problems home. She is to be responsible and do her chores here at home.

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I'm going to have to get through the anger so I can relate to her in constructive ways about home life. Therapist gives the relationship 48 hours. I hope she's right. We talked about how Daughter is looking more and more like she has Borderline Personality Disorder. Therapist tried to convince me it's not that bad a diagnosis. She still has some work to do before I'm going to believe it.

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I hope I will still have a tongue by Sunday. I am afraid I may have bitten most of it off by then. The one good thing is that Daughter is going back to the workshop full time, beginning tomorrow. If I'd had a lunch packed for her, I would have dropped her off today. There's no point trying to protect her from something she wants. Having her gone 40 hours a week should lessen my stress level significantly.

New Traditions

Daughter and I had a wonderful Easter dinner today-- just the two of us. It was a very good meal, and it was a total break with tradition. You see, my parents were procrastinators. They were good cooks, and could prepare wonderful meals. However, they always made it hard on themselves. Behind those good meals were frantic last minute preparations, last minute trips to the grocery store for things they had forgotten, and a terribly messy kitchen. If they weren't pulling everything together at the last minute, somehow it wasn't a holiday meal.

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I've kept the tradition of good meals, and dumped everything else. The fact that I've lived 10+ miles from the closest grocery store for over 13 years has made me a much more efficient shopper. If I start to make something and find I'm missing an ingredient, it is because Daughter has snuck it out of the kitchen to eat it. If I'm not headed to town for something else, I postpone making whatever needed the missing ingredient.

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Today we sat down to a good meal in a clean kitchen. We had ham, crescent rolls, a casserole made with brown rice and fresh broccoli, and strawberry cheesecake. All I had to do today was turn on the oven and open the can of crescent rolls. The rest of the preparation was done yesterday. I was able to enjoy a relaxed meal today. I was able to sit down and watch movies this afternoon without feeling like I should be cleaning the kitchen.

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There are still other areas where I am not as prepared as I'd like. Too many weeks I'm finishing my sermon on Saturday evening. The desk in my study is an ongoing battle. I figure that if I can break the holiday meal chaos habit, I can become more organized in other areas as well. I can hold onto my parents' good traditions, and improve on the more stressful ones.

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It's kind of like picking and choosing which of their personal items I want to keep. I keep the ones that give me joy and dispense with the ones that cause me stress or grief. I can do the same with their habits and traditions. I'm grateful for the tradition of good food and holiday meals they passed on to me. I'm glad that I was able to improve the tradition.

Christ Is Risen!

Snapshots of my Easter celebration:

The Sunrise Service is always stressful for me. I never know if our teens are going to get there on time (6:30) to run through things before the service begins at 7:00. Today they did a fantastic job. They spoke slowly and clearly. They had some great ideas for the service, and it went really well. I was very proud of them.

During the Sunrise Service I was standing in the back running the sound system. A 3 year old boy was sitting right in front of me, and he was turned around watching me. He couldn't figure out why I was in the back. When his mom told him they were coming to church, he said, "Good. I get to sit up front next to Reverend Mom and talk to her." He always sits right beside me for the children's sermon. I told his mom he needs to learn it's the front he's watching, not me....

I had a conversation with a young man who has a very difficult year-- his wife left him for another man. He was devastated. Here is where he's at with the whole thing now: "I look at it this way, I had 25 good and happy years, and then one bad year. I can't complain."

I was surprised to find that Easter had triggered some of my grief. I was expecting Thanksgiving and Christmas to be hard, but not Easter, so I was surprised to find it harder than either of those. Between services I looked over at a man who was standing there looking troubled. He lost a parent this year, too. We talked about our grief and found comfort in the knowledge we weren't alone.

This congregation can sing, and they sounded magnificent this morning-- we had a big crowd for the main service. I got to see lots of young adults who were home to celebrate. It was wonderful to hear about their school and work away from Tiny Village.

Throughout Lent, we have been talking about foundations. Today we began to talk about transformation. During the children's sermon, the cross we flowered at the Sunrise Service was lifted up on the foundation we built. One of the women told me after the service that that was so powerful it moved her to tears.

I love being a pastor. Today was a day that reminded me of how much I love it.

Daughter is sitting beside me with her head on my shoulder as we spend the afternoon watching DVD's. We began with Three Mo' Tenors and are now watching The Sound of Music. She finally managed to turn it around yesterday, and actually took care of some laundry and the upstairs bathroom.

Diversions

This morning I woke up to the sound of birds singing. I have the windows in my bedroom open, and I'm thoroughly enjoying the fresh air and the sounds of nature. After my workout, I cooked breakfast. I made some resurrection buns and some eggs with bacon, potatoes and cheese in them. I decided not to wake Daughter up, since I was pretty sure she would be ugly if I did. As I expected, the smells brought her downstairs. Once again she'd wet the bed, so I asked her to please take the linens from yesterday and put them in the dryer and bring her wet stuff down and put them in the washer. I told her I needed to do laundry, and I didn't want her stuff sitting in the machine all day today like it did yesterday. That set her off. She informed me she was moving out today.

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So, I got out my ipod out and got busy in the kitchen, making resurrection buns, bacon bits, a casserole and cheese cake for tomorrow, and various other things. She came down at one point and told me she felt stupid. I asked her what she was going to do to get off stupid. That made her mad again. I pointed out she was the only one who could change things. I spent 3 hours in the kitchen while she did nothing upstairs. At least she couldn't sneak the remote control upstairs today like she did yesterday, since it is now locked up, along with the medicine, insulin, knives and other sharp objects.

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She came downstairs and watched me dry and put away dishes (her job). As I listened to podcasts of worship services and choral music, I was able to focus on what I was doing. As I was putting the resurrection buns in individual boxes with Easter grass and jelly beans to distribute to the kids tomorrow morning, she asked if she could do something to help. I told her the bathrooms were still in need of cleaning. I gave up on her yesterday and cleaned the dining room and downstairs hall myself.

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I heard her call Therapist yesterday and tell her what the problem was, "I'm not doing my share around the house." She knows what she's doing. She knows it's her own doing. But she gets stuck on stupid and can't seem to move off it.

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I hope she follows through on what needs to be done today. I'm so tired of this. At least I have figured out that escaping into my ipod makes it easier for me to keep going in the midst of her ugliness. When I thanked her for taking some laundry upstairs today, she informed me, "I'm only doing mine." I repeated, "Thank you for putting it away." Not engaging her is hard, but keeping it her problem is key.

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Today I'm grateful for my ipod, which diverts me from the ugliness in my home and reminds me of God's love and grace-- for Daughter and me.

Entitlement

Daughter is displaying this amazing sense of entitlement. She's still refusing to do any chores, but she's asking me to do extra things for her. She has yet to transfer her wet linens to the dryer. When I told her she needed to get that done, she informed me that she was 23 years old, and she could take care of herself and make her own decisions. She didn't need me for anything.

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I wasn't a patient, loving mother in reply. I told her that was fine, she could do her own cooking and figure out her own insulin and medication. I told her she'd have to buy the food, too. She has $1.48. That's what she earned at the workshop in the last 2 weeks. When you refuse to work, you don't earn any money. Apparently she doesn't think the same rules apply at home. At home, Mom should be at your beck and call, even when you are not only refusing to do any chores, and are not even picking up after yourself. Stealing food items that Mom has purchased for specific purposes doesn't do much to endear you to Mom, either.

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Obviously, I will end up helping with the insulin and medication. I can't let her have the insulin right now, she'd take extra for sure. She used the last daily pill box yesterday, and I haven't refilled them yet, in part because her prescription refills are now out of sync and I don't have enough of some of her meds to fill the full month. I had planned to fill enough to at least get us through the weekend, but for some reason, I'm no longer motivated to do that.

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I preached about how Jesus calls us to an active love that serves others and is unconditional last night. I still love her, but I'm tired of serving her right about now.

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Right after posting this, I found this article. Interesting.

Trade Offs

Yesterday afternoon Daughter decided that I'm not the enemy after all. That's good news, and she was cooperative yesterday evening, which was a welcome change. In fact, after worship, she gathered up the candles and candle holders from the tenebrae service and took care of them without being asked. She was quite patient as we tried to figure out the visual display for Easter morning.

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Unfortunately, there are trade offs. So after a number of nights without wetting the bed, she wet it last night. She's already frustrated this morning. She was in here chattering about what fun we were going to have today. I reminded her that I need to work. I asked her to take care of her bedroom-- specifically all the dirty clothes that have once again been dumped on her floor. Instead, she decided she was going to draw pictures. She wants to go shopping to City to buy supplies for her artwork. Of course, she has no money since she has been refusing to work at the workshop. It's certainly a realistic plan-- Mom has told me she needs to work, that means she can take me to City which is 45 minutes away to buy me art supplies which she will pay for since I don't have any money. It won't be a problem that I haven't done any chores around the house all week.

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Even with all that, if she's not sleeping all the time or raging, it's progress and I'll take it....

Guilt

When Daughter gets down in her hole, she feels guilty, and the guilt becomes crippling to her. She doesn't think she deserves to be happy. So, for the most part, I'm careful not to add to her guilt. I seek to issue invitations to her to get out of her hole. So, yesterday she came home and I asked her how her day had been. She studied me, trying to figure out how much I knew. I suggested it would be simpler if she just told me the truth. She stormed off, refusing to tell me anything.

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After sleeping in her room for several hours, she came down for supper. I asked her when she was going to become a contributing part of the household again. She told me she couldn't answer that. She sat and watched as I did her chore of emptying the dishwasher. She ate supper. I asked her if she knew anything about some cookies that were missing from the church freezer. She didn't respond, but I could tell she was responsible. "Where's the container?"

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"Upstairs."

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"Go get it."

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She brought it down and I told her that she would have to write a letter apologizing to the woman who had left the leftover cookies from a dinner in the freezer to use at some later event.

She came and sat by me in the study. I again invited her to tell me about her day, and told her I already knew about much of it. She got mad and decided to call Psychiatrist so she could go back to the hospital. I told her Psychiatrist's office was closed.

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She returned to her room to sleep some more. I called her down to get her night time pills and insulin. Again I asked her when she thought she'd be ready to turn it around. Again she refused to answer.

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This morning I made her eat her breakfast in the living room where I was doing my exercise. I again asked if she thought she might become a contributing member of the household. Now keep in mind, I ask these questions once-- seeking information. No lectures, no yelling, just a simple question.

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Before she left she told me I needed to get off her back. I pointed out to her that I wasn't on her back. I wasn't telling her what to do. I wasn't yelling at her for not doing things. I wasn't doing any more than asking her when she was going to turn things around. I told her all those bad feelings were coming from her own feelings of guilt, not me. I told her I hoped she'd turn it around. I reminded her that I love her. She informed me I shouldn't. I told her she couldn't change the fact that I love her. When I tried to hug her, she pushed me away. The attention she was lavishing on Kitten prompted the exchange I posted earlier today.

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She called me a little while ago. It was her first call of the day, which surprised me. She had a low blood sugar this morning. Her blood sugars were normal now, but she wasn't feeling good. She wanted to know if I could come get her. I told her I was glad her blood sugars were now normal, and that unfortunately, I didn't have time. I was very busy, and the fact that I was having to cover her chores, too, was eating into my time. I told her I was sure that she would be fine, and that once she decided to do her work, I'd have more time and would be able to do things like coming to get her. My response probably added to her guilt, but it was an honest answer. I don't have an extra hour today to go get her. I have a worship service tonight and things I have to get done this afternoon.

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I hope for both of our sakes she decides to get out of her hole soon. If she's not in her bedroom or at the workshop right now, she has to be where I can see her, as she has become too adept at sneaking food. Today is her last day at the workshop until Tuesday. It could be a very long 4 days....

A Glimpse of Humor

Daughter has dug a deep, dark hole, and is unwilling to do the things she needs to do to get out of it. To say being around her is unpleasant would be an understatement. This morning she wouldn't let me hug her good bye. She was telling Kitten good bye and how much she loved her. I said, "Maybe if I became a cat you would be nice to me."

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She was headed out the door, but she turned around and came back into my study. She waved an imaginary magic wand and said, "Flickety-flick." She stood and studied me for a minute and said, "Sorry, didn't work." With that she turned and walked out the door.

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It's not much, but today I will celebrate a glimpse of humor. I will view it as a sign of hope.