Today is Daughter's 23rd birthday. With everything that has been going on, I hadn't done any shopping for it until today. Yesterday I asked her what she wanted and we picked some place to go out for supper. This morning I had a breakfast appointments with a member who wanted to talk, and after I dropped her off, I headed to the super store.
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I stood in the card aisle searching for an appropriate birthday card. I don't want to tell her how proud I am when she is feeling ashamed of herself for wetting the bed every night. I don't want to encourage her to follow her dreams, because many of them are unrealistic due to her limitations. The cards for young adults talk about how they are still in our thoughts even when they are away. Daughter is not only in my thoughts, she's in my house. I didn't want a kid's card, but most of the cards for adults weren't appropriate. I didn't want to go with humor, because I wanted something that assured her of my love, even in the challenging times. I finally found one that I thought would work and headed to the grocery side of the store.
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I wandered the aisles fighting tears. Birthdays are a time of celebration, and I celebrate the gift of Daughter's life. I am glad that I adopted her, even though there are times when it is hard. I would do it all over again. Birthdays are also a time for reflecting on growth and progress. As I wandered the aisles of the store, my thoughts were on all the things Daughter can't do. By the time I turned 23, I had finished college and one semester of seminary. Far Away Sister was married and working as an electrical engineer on her 23rd birthday. Both of us were following our dreams.
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Daughter has dreams, too. Unfortunately, not many of them are realistic. She's not going to be able to become a nurse like Grandma. She isn't going to be an ice skater competing in the Olympics (last week's dream-- I pointed out that she hadn't even been able to handle roller skates). Marriage is probably beyond her. She wants to adopt a child, but she can't even take care of herself. I find myself grieving for all the things she will never experience, all the things she will never be able to do.
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But then my reflections go in another direction. Is it our accomplishments that define us? Our society says it is. For many years I thought it was for me. For a long time I didn't feel like I was "good enough." I'm not sure what it meant to be "good enough," that was beyond me. When I was working in the inner city, I often proclaimed that God didn't make any junk. I'm not sure I believed it, though.
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Many of the things I was taught to value are beyond Daughter. She'll never graduate from college or be capable of intellectual conversation. Most likely, she'll never be able to live independently. She's not going to be able to drive. Yet even with all her limitations, she is a much loved child of God. Even with all the things she can't do, I am grateful that she is my Daughter. She has taught me that our value lies not in what we do, but in who we are. While I grieve all the things she will never be able to do, I love her for who she is. Today I will celebrate her life, not because of what she has accomplished, but because she is my Daughter. I think that is a lesson our society would do well to learn. Our value lies in who we are, not what we do. God loves us because we are God's children, not because we do great things.
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Today, as Daughter turns 23, I will celebrate her life. Yes, there is some grief, but there is always more joy. God is good. All the time.
5 comments:
That's absolutely beautiful. You're a wonderful mother and your thoughts are very perceptive.
If you look at some of the celebrities and athletes whose behavior is revealed as less than honorable it becomes obvious that some of the people who are blessed with beauty and talent choose to throw away their gifts and turn their backs on God.
Your daughter has struggles like the rest of us and her challenges are greater than those faced by most of us. However, she can attempt to better herself by being honest and mindful of the needs of others.
From reading your blog, I think it's fear that holds your daughter back from achieving those things that are within her ability. If she's able to master her fears she can accomplish much more than she has up to now.
I hope this next year brings you and your DD much happiness.
Rev. Mom.
Your dear daugher is special, because it is daughter's heart that defines her. That is what shines from her. Give her my love, and that from the munchkins, too.
Thank you. I believe fear is a major limiting factor for Daughter. We continue to work on safety. Those first three years are so crucial for our sense of safety and confidence. The family she was born into stole her sense of safety.
MM,
Thank you. You saw her when she was doing well. There are times when your reminders of those days give me hope.
Hang in there with Rocky. I share your frustration.
She has done so well considering how she would have done without you. I hate it when people say this stuff to me, so I'm sorry.
I think you're right, mastering fears is the job of all of our kids. Miss K is afraid that she will have a baby and won't be able to take care of it. Miss M. is afraid that ....oh, who the heck knows. People won't notice her, maybe.
As for me, I'm afraid that I'll get old and die and no one will take care of this child that I love.
See.
I hope the next year is a good one for daughter. I think it might be because there's hope for better services. She's able to do more than she does, but not if the fear doesn't abate.
MM, I don't want your life right now, but believe that he'll learn and get through it.
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