This morning I had breakfast with a mom. She has a number of normal Daughters, all young adults. Several are dealing with personal struggles right now. Because she knows something about Daughter, she knows I understand her struggles. She knows that when I tell her to set boundaries, I know how difficult it is. She knows that when I talk to her about who owns the emotions, I am speaking from experience.
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I've learned a number of lessons from being Daughter's parent that I'm able to share with other struggling moms. To share just a few:
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- Protect your boundaries. Our children's emotions belong to them. We are not responsible for them, and we don't need to share them.
- Stay off the roller coaster. Just because our kids are taking a wild ride doesn't mean we have to accompany them. We can love them from the station, and be waiting for them when they get back to the station.
- Give them responsibility for their decisions and actions. We are not responsible for rescuing them.
- Pick one message and repeat it until it sinks in. With Daughter, my message has been, "I will keep you safe while you are learning to keep yourself safe." As she's gotten older, I've emphasized more her need to keep herself safe. I think now the message has transformed into, "You have a voice and can use it to keep yourself safe."
- Certain things can send us into Mama Bear mode-- no matter how old our children might be. We can't stay in that mode indefinitely without it having an impact our own health and well being.
- We have to take care of ourselves (and especially our marriages) if we want to be there for our children.
- We will always be their parents, and we will always worry. We do need to let them grow up and stand on their own two feet.
We had a good breakfast and conversation this morning. It was the beginning of a conversation. I hope it was as helpful for her as it was for me-- when I am teaching and supporting others, I am also reminding myself. I need those reminders on a regular basis.
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