One Year Ago

It was one year ago today that a phone call told me of my mother's death. My initial reaction was relief. Her suffering was over. Our waiting was over. The stress was lighter almost immediately. Even now there are times when her death doesn't seem real. There are other times when it is hard to remember what it was like to have an able, intelligent, supportive Mom who offered help and advice.

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Traditionally, the grieving time was considered to be one year. I find myself examining my grief today. Does it still have an impact on my life? I think it does, but not in the expected ways. I find that I am feeling very old this week. Part of it is the issues that were identified in last week's doctor's appointment. In addition to the knee and stomach issues, I have osteoarthritis in my hands and my hair is thinning (my hairdresser confirmed my suspicion when I saw her Monday-- we talked about ways to cover the thin areas).

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More than feeling old, though, I'm feeling alone. Over 20 years ago, I had major surgery. My parents took time off work and came to be with me. They took care of me. I find that I'm facing the possibility of surgery again, and I'm alone. I'm not worried about the surgery itself, I have faith and know that God will use it to bring healing. It's more a matter of the logistics. Getting home after the surgery, taking care of Daughter and myself. It's the practical matters that leave me feeling alone. One year later, grief is being alone.