The Bubble

Daughter lies. Daughter lies a lot. She will tell me she took her shower. "Will I find evidence?" Sometimes she will than admit she didn't, and go take it (though usually with a few loud words about how it isn't any of my business and she's not my puppet). For breakfast, she has oatmeal and milk. She needs some kind of protein to help keep her blood sugar stable until lunch. We generally have reduced fat sausage and cheese available for her protein source. Lately she has been protesting eating her protein. I found part of a sausage link in the upstairs hall after a cat retrieved it from the trash. I found a piece of cheese outside on the ground where she had thrown it.

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This morning her blood sugar was on the low side of normal, so it was especially important for her to have her protein. I asked about it, and she assured me she'd taken one of the individually wrapped cheese pieces and eaten it. "Will I find evidence?" She assured me I would. I went and checked. No cheese wrapper in the trash. I gave her a piece of cheese and made her eat it in front of me. She was not happy, but she knew better than to protest, as it was her own doing. She knows why she needs the protein (I've explained it several hundred times), but she doesn't care enough about her own health to follow through.

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One time she explained to me why she lied. She told me that with each lie, a bubble she has created around her grows. The bigger the bubble, the safer she feels. The bubble protects her from getting close to people, keeps her from feeling vulnerable. The lying is another sign of her current stress level. She is creating a big bubble around herself (when she's not sitting next to me wrapped around my arm, that is). She claims she's hearing voices again. She says her birth parents are telling her to kill herself. I told her to tell them to get out of her life, that she's safe now and doesn't need to listen to them. Is she really hearing voices? Maybe. Or maybe she's just making sure she has a big enough bubble to protect her from getting close to anyone. Maybe some day I'll figure out how to pop the bubble.

Down

I'm feeling a bit down the last two days. I'm edgy, and much less patient than usual. I had a wedding yesterday, and the bride totally annoyed me by her complete disregard for board policy on weddings. She did it very intentionally, too. I haven't decided what to do about that yet.

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I went to the rehearsal dinner Friday night, which happened to be Mom's birthday. I sat next to father of the bride's girlfriend, who was telling me about the wonderful 80th birthday celebration they'd had for her dad on Thanksgiving. She know nothing about the challenges of the past year, and I was gracious about listening, and more than a little bit jealous.

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We went briefly to the reception, but I had to come home to get ready for this morning. I needed to finish my sermon. Actually, I needed to start it. I've been avoiding work the last few days, which is a part of being down. Daughter was furious that I brought her home before the dancing began. She's hearing voices again. She says her birth parents are telling her to kill herself.

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Sister-in-law said something really stupid and insensitive at Thanksgiving. At least she had the good sense not to say it to Sister or me. Her comment prompted Sister's ex-Mother-in-law to turn her back on her and get a glass of wine. I keep telling the Sisters that as long as Brother is happy, that is all that matters. But that doesn't mean there aren't times when we'd like to wring SIL's neck. There are times when Daughter shows more maturity and sensitivity than SIL.

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Faraway Brother-in-law heads to the other side of the world on business today. I hope that his problem last week really was a medication mix-up and not a TIA or stroke.

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Daughter is off bowling with Special Olympics. NG's mother picked her up and took her. I had the opportunity to talk to NG's mom yesterday, and warned her a little about Daughter's PTSD. Flasher is supposedly completely out of the picture now. His mom pulled him out of the workshop. I don't think that's going to be permanent, but we'll enjoy the peace while he's gone.

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The next few weeks are going to be crazy busy for me. I'm going to have to prioritize carefully to make sure I get the things that are most important done first. C is coming in a little while, and we're going to begin by filling up Daughter's pill boxes for the next 4 weeks. I've decided that is a very high priority. We see Psychiatrist again on the 7th. I've been teaching Daughter how to talk back to the voices, and hopefully that will carry her through the holiday season and stability will return following the holidays.

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Next Sunday evening we are having a Blue Christmas service. I was fighting back tears during worship this morning, so I don't even want to think about what that service will do to me. I'm glad that the board members agreed to lead it. I'll be able to sit quietly and worship, provided, of course, that I can let go of my need to control worship and trust them.

Home

We met Brother for breakfast this morning, and then headed home, arriving here about 1:30. I woke up with a very sore back this morning. I think it must have been the motel bed. Daughter had to help me put on my socks. Daughter is exhausted. She's currently sleeping in a very uncomfortable position in a chair. I think she chose that spot because it is near me.

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I have a wedding rehearsal in an hour. I said we'd attend the rehearsal dinner, and I have no idea why I agreed to that at this point, but I did. I still have to write the meditation for the wedding and a sermon for Sunday. I'm not motivated to do either. Mom would have been 79 today. I tell myself that's not important, but it is.

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I look forward to coming home and sleeping in my own bed tonight, with a cat curled up at (or preferably on) my feet. I'll let Daughter have one of them for her feet (or maybe her butt). I also said we'd attend the reception tomorrow evening, again, I don't know why. Hopefully both will serve to distract me from the fact that today is Mom's birthday.

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We made it through Thanksgiving. Daughter is already beginning to worry about Christmas, but I think Thanksgiving and Mom's birthday are the bigger challenge. I need to get Daughter moving, and I need to get over to the church and make sure everything is set up for the wedding. I need to brave a store to get a card and gift certificate for the happy couple at some point, too. That will have to wait until tomorrow.

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We're home, and we survived the first Thanksgiving. Do you ever wonder who I'm trying to convince?

The First Thanksgiving

We survived the first Thanksgiving without our parents. There were just 10 of us, Sister, Ex-Brother-in-law, Little Niece, Brother, Sister-in-law, and Ex-BIL's mom, sister and aunt. Daughter asked Sister if she could light a candle in memory of Mom and Dad and say the prayer. She did a beautiful job. I was proud of her. She handled the day pretty well. She had to talk to me a couple of times--she was missing Nice Guy, and there was some grief. I kept referring her back to her list of things for which she is thankful.

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As we were coming to the motel after our day with family, she told me she had been hearing voices. I asked what they were telling her. At first she said lots of different things, so I asked her to share two of the things with me. They were telling her she couldn't handle having a boyfriend. She said, "I'm showing them they're wrong. I'm handling having a boyfriend." They were also telling her she'd never be able to live independently. "I told them there isn't any rush and I can take it slowly at my pace and I'll know when I'm ready to be independent." Once again I was proud of her. She's asleep, and I'm headed that way, too. I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving!

Special Olympics and Thanksgiving

I took Daughter to basketball practice yesterday for Special Olympics. I had doubts, but she wanted to be on the team, so I took her. Nice Guy is on the team, so she wanted to be on it, too. Because NG is on the team, she wasn't going to show any weakness. The coach was working them hard. By 45 minutes into a 90 minute practice, it was obvious that she was wiped out. Her tremors were becoming progressively worse. She was becoming less coordinated. She was still pushing hard, though. M, the coordinator, who knew my misgivings, told Daughter to go get a drink. Then she went over and talked to her. She convinced Daughter that she should do basketball skills instead. Daughter acknowledged that by the end of the practice she would have collapsed.

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When we got outside, Daughter began to cry, very disappointed that she couldn't do it. We talked about it, and I told her I'd take her to one of the games. She insisted she couldn't go to the Thanksgiving Eve service when we got home, but I told her I thought after a few minutes rest she'd be okay. When I went upstairs to check on her, she was sound asleep, face down on her bed in just her bra and panties. Kitten was perched on her butt. Basketball skills will take much less time, and she will be successful at that. I know she's disappointed, but I'm relieved.

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When we got over to the church, she overheard me responding to some one's question about Brother-in-law, so I had to fill her in on what was happening. She told me again that she couldn't do Thanksgiving without Grandma and Grandpa, so we sat down and wrote a long list of all the things she still has to be thankful for (including all her doctors and every pet in the extended family). I told her she needed to carry the list with her and look at it anytime she's feeling sad. That seemed to help.

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I'm very proud of Daughter, because she expressed her disappointment over basketball and her grief around Thanksgiving. There was a time when she would have acted out, leaving me to guess what had set her off. The Depakote has slowed her racing thoughts down to the point that she can express her emotions and we can address them. I think it may be worth a few tremors.

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I need to jump in the shower and finish packing, and then we're off to Sister's. We are going to make it a good Thanksgiving.

Giving Thanks

Tomorrow we will get in the car and drive 3 hours to spend Thanksgiving with Sister and Brother and various extended family members. The celebration will take place at the home of Sister and ex-Brother-in-law (they can't sell their house and can't afford to support 2 households, so they live together even though the marriage fell apart over 5 years ago). Ex-Brother-in-law will prepare the feast. Several months ago, he said he wasn't going to do Thanksgiving this year. He wasn't comfortable with Far Away Sister's in-laws driving to his home (he didn't think they should be driving at all), and he had various other reasons for deciding it was time to discontinue this particular tradition.

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Last month I invited Sister and Little Niece to come here for Thanksgiving. Ex-Brother-in-law had a fit. "I'm cooking!"

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"But you told me you weren't going to do it this year."

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"That was before. What kind of jerk do you think I am? 'Sorry your Dad died, you're on your own for Thanksgiving.'"

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Brother hasn't been around much for holidays since he began dating his wife-- there were too many family obligations on her side. I figured we'd seen the last of them at Thanksgiving. Initially he was talking about them stopping by Sister's on their way elsewhere, but now he has determined that they are going to spend the whole day with our family.

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Daughter has been very concerned about the whole family falling apart because Grandma and Grandpa are dead. Tomorrow she will see that even with all the stress of this past year, including the discovery of theft and periods of refusing to speak to one another, we are going to be together on Thanksgiving. We are still a family.

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I've had several conversations with Far Away Sister today. I've put her down as my emergency contact person for my new doctor. I told her that's her reward for being my rational sibling. She said that was fine, because after yesterday she had expertise in tracking down missing people and getting them to the hospital. Brother-in-law has now decided that the problem is that he mixed up his medication yesterday morning and took a sleeping pill instead of his blood pressure medication. We'll see if that means he's decided he doesn't need to follow-up with a cardiologist and neurologist as they told him to in the ER. She's looking forward to a quiet Thanksgiving with just the 4 of them. They will begin decorating the house. Brother-in-law will leave for 2 weeks on the other side of the world on Sunday.

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Tomorrow I will give thanks for my family. I will give thanks for the love that binds us together in spite of our disagreements. I will give thanks for the fact that we can laugh when Sister forgets there is a 3 hour time difference and calls Far Away Sister and wakes her up on a Saturday morning to complain about cell phone plans she doesn't understand. I will celebrate the love of our parents, a love so strong that it holds 4 very different individuals together as one family even after their death. Tomorrow I will be giving thanks.

Far Away Sister

I received a call from Far Away Sister this morning. She was on her way to the hospital. Her husband had called her after he left a breakfast meeting. He didn't know where he was, he was seeing double, and his speech was slurred. She kept telling him to pull over, and he kept insisting he was fine, but he couldn't tell her where he was because he couldn't read the street signs. As his office was preparing to go out searching for him, he showed up. One of his co-workers put him in the car and took him to the hospital. He told him he had to get his laptop out of his car first.

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Far Away Sister and her family spent the day in the ER. Brother-in-law connected to the hospital's wireless and worked. They think he had a TIA. He's supposed to go to a cardiologist and a neurologist for follow up care. He's flying to the other side of the world on business on Sunday. He'll be gone for 2 weeks, and has a scuba diving trip planned for the weekend he's there. Far Away Sister is not thrilled to say the least. Brother-in-law doesn't remember anything that took place for about 90 minutes this morning. When they left the hospital, he had her drop him off at the office. He had work he wanted to get done. I'm sure it's hard on Far Away Sister, being so far away from family when something like this is going on.

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I have very carefully protected Daughter from any knowledge of this. She is talking about how Thanksgiving won't be right without her grandparents there. I don't want her to know another family member is experiencing health challenges. She's currently sleeping with her head on my shoulder. Kitten is sleeping in her lap and Cat is sleeping on the back of the couch directly behind us.

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We had her ISP meeting at the workshop today. When Case Manager told her she had the paper for her to sign about the residential waiting list, Daughter got a panic stricken look on her face. I quickly reassured her that she didn't have to move when her name came up, that we would decide together when she was ready. I think Case Manager finally understood why I turned down the opportunity she offered.

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Daughter's Room and Open House

C and I went in and finished Daughter's room today. We found the usual problems-- wrappers from contraband food, used syringes, needles, and test strips, tags she had cut off clothing, dirty dishes, and pages out of various scrap books she had started and then abandoned. We took some of the storage pieces out, and removed all the craft supplies from her room. She will still have access to them, but they will not be cluttering up her room. We arranged it a little differently, and Daughter is very happy. I told C that every time I do this I tell Daughter I won't do it again, but end up back in there when it gets beyond Daughter's ability to control. C said, "Well, as long as we come in once a month-- or maybe every 2 weeks, it shouldn't get too bad. Saturday we'd gone through shoes with Daughter and gotten rid of quite a few. We put the others away. When we went in this morning, we were greeted by 3 pairs of shoes in the middle of the floor. She hadn't even worn them all.

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My Christmas Open House is now less than 3 weeks away. We're going to close the door on the guest room and focus on getting the rest of the house ready for the open house. I'm grateful that I have C to help me with the preparations, because I don't know that I could get everything done on my own. The board is helping with the food, so I don't have to do all the cooking and baking myself.

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The next few weeks will be very busy, but it will be a good busy.

An Exhausting, Wonderful Day

Today was our second annual youth/senior citizen Thanksgiving Dinner at the church. It grew. We fed over 60 people this year. I made the cranberry relish (that was finished last night), the dressing, and a 22 pound turkey. I got over to the church at 1:30, and within half an hour, the cold water wouldn't turn off. Last year the hot water heater went out. I called Angry Man to come fix it. He had to end up turning off the water to one of our triple sinks, which made dish washing take longer, to say the least. I left before the clean up was done. I'd been there over 6 hours and my feet were killing me. I have a stock pot of remainders from the turkeys simmering on the stove. It will make great soup.

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Everyone had a good time at the dinner. The senior citizens were delighted, and the kids worked really hard. The food was good, as was the company. Secretary's foster sons invited family members they don't see very often. They were delighted to be there with the boys, and the church people made them feel welcome. It was a nice mixture of church folks and people from the community.

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Daughter came to me last night and told me there was something she should have told me sooner. Nice Guy had sex with one of his previous girl friends. She was very uncomfortable with that, and told me he was afraid he would rape her. I listened, and told her I didn't think she had to worry about that, and reminded her that she has a voice and uses it to keep herself safe. She talked to NG last night, and told him she was uncomfortable with physical contact. He told her they could slow down, and she could just hug him good bye or shake his hand if she wanted to, and he'd wait until she was ready for a kiss. He really is a Nice Guy.

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This morning during the worship service, when I called up the children, one of the girls presented me with an Ohio State commuter cup. I catch a lot of flack since they know I'm a Michigan fan. I was gracious and thanked them for the cup, and pointed out how appropriate it is, since we gave them the football game yesterday.

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One of my young women is having female problems. Grandma is quite concerned, as she had cancer at a very young age and doesn't want that for her granddaughter. I have a growing list of people who need attention. I love it when I'm busy. Tomorrow is my day off, so C is coming and we're going to work on the guest room and Daughter's room tomorrow morning. Then I need to crank out a newsletter and three worship services: Thanksgiving Eve, a wedding, and Sunday morning. Thursday morning we head to Sister's for Thanksgiving. We'll come back Friday morning so I can be here for the wedding rehearsal.

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Daughter continues to struggle. Earlier today she was asking me if Nice Guy could go with us for Thanksgiving to meet the family. Tonight she told me she has decided she doesn't want to live independently. She is afraid to leave me. She wants to be like me, though, so she wants to adopt a child, while continuing to live with me. She wants to break up with NG, because she wants to stay single like me. I guess her desire to continue living with me proves she's not ready for supported living.

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She was also complaining about the voices, but for the first time she named them: her birth parents. It is so hard, watching her struggle like this and not being able to make things better. I know that NG is part of the trigger for her right now, but the other thing is the first Thanksgiving since my parents died. Mom's birthday was Thanksgiving. Last year Dad was in the hospital for Thanksgiving, and we took Mom up to see him. Mom was so excited to see Dad. Her fear that her family is falling apart has her remembering her birth family, which did fall apart. Hopefully once we make it through Thanksgiving she'll calm down some.

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Looking back, this post isn't very coherent. It does reflect the scattered nature of my life right now.

The Third Date

Nice Guy came over today to watch The Game. It was two weeks ago last night that he came over for the first time. All of their get togethers have gone well, but last night Daughter began worrying. She wasn't sure she could handle him being her for the whole game. Getting close to any man triggers her PTSD, and so most of her relationships are very short lived. I assured her that she could handle it. I reminded her that she has a voice and knows how to keep herself safe now. I also decided that given her anxiety, it was an opportune time to try the xanax Psychiatrist prescribed. She protested, she didn't want any more drugs. I bribed her with a piece of dark chocolate.

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After I washed her hair, I put it up in rollers and put her under the hair dryer. She began sobbing and shaking uncontrollably. I asked her if she was cold, but she wasn't. She didn't know why she was crying. Her hair is wild today because I gave up on making her sit there until it was dry. I decided that xanax is definitely not the answer, though I may try one more time with half a pill, since Psychiatrist said we could try that if the whole pill was too much.

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This morning she woke up in good spirits. C came over, and we did some work in the kitchen and Daughter's bedroom. NG came over, and all seemed fine. Part way through the game, I joined them, sitting next to Daughter on the couch. By halftime her head was on my shoulder. I tried to get her to put her head on NG's, but she wouldn't. She fell asleep (shut down-- she was overwhelmed). By the end of the game, she was wrapped around my arm. Poor NG couldn't figure out what he'd done wrong. I assured him it had nothing to do with him. Daughter hasn't been able to talk to him about it. She's talking about breaking up with him. I told her that that's fine, but that means she needs to stop looking for a boyfriend until she's ready to handle it. I really feel bad for NG. Most of the guys she dates deserve to be dumped, but NG hasn't done anything wrong. He's been kind and patient with her. It's not his fault that she was so damaged by the men in her birth family. She's come a long way, but she is still damaged. I don't know if she'll ever heal to the point that she can be intimate with a man.

A Bright, Beaming, Better Than Average Day

Today was one of those wonderfully busy days in ministry that I love. I started with breakfast at 8:30 with a woman dealing with a family crisis.

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From there I ran to the store to pick up some things for the youth group Thanksgiving Dinner on Sunday.

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I picked up prescriptions, visited 3 of the saints at the nursing home, deposited some checks, and then worked on my sermon at a fast food restaurant.

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Therapist and I met and decided that now is definitely not the time for Daughter to move into supported living.

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Then I drove to City to visit a woman who was going in for a cardiac cauterization this morning. I'd visited her yesterday evening and prayed with her for the procedure. She was beaming when I arrived. They put in 2 stints and she was already feeling better. She was so relieved.

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I got home about 10 minutes before Daughter did. My sermon isn't done, I have a ton to do before Sunday, and I'm content. The woman at breakfast was apologizing, and I reminded her that ministry is my passion and it was an honor for me to support her through her pain. I meant that. The woman in the hospital told me yesterday she didn't deserve my visit (she doesn't attend worship). I reminded her that God doesn't give us what we deserve, God gives us grace.

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I feel so privileged to be able to do the things I do and to be allowed into the lives of so many different people dealing with so many different issues. I love leading the congregation in worship every Sunday.

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In many ways I feel like I'm coming out of the fog of stress and grief as my parents suffered through their final illnesses and died. I'm rediscovering my joy, and I'm appreciating it more than I ever did before.

Revisiting the Opportunity

Case Manager called today. She wanted to warn me if I turned down this opportunity to get Daughter into supported living, it might be 10 years before there would be another opening. She suggested using it as respite for 2 weeks to see how it would work. If I intended to stay here long term, I'd probably view this opportunity differently. As it is, though, I could be moving within the next year, and I don't want to leave Daughter behind and move to another state. Would it be fair to pull her out of her new home just as she's settling in?

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There's the issue of her current emotional state and all the stress she's had the last few months. She could very well view this as me getting rid of her, which would be the biggest trigger of them all. I'm not sure she's strong enough to handle it.

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If she moves into supported living, she loses my insurance, as I would no longer be providing over half of her support. That means she would lose Therapist (who doesn't take Medicaid). She could lose other doctors, too, since I've had to sweet talk many of them and point out that my insurance is primary.

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There's the issue of her diabetes. If medical professionals on the psych unit have so much trouble managing her diabetes, how can I expect the staff in a supported living home to handle it? The staff member who took her to the area track meet last spring hadn't read the instructions about Daughter's diabetes, and even though I gave her instruction, she didn't do any of the things I told her to do and shorted Daughter on her insulin, causing her blood sugar to go sky high.

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I would gain my freedom if she were to move. I could unlock my knives and medication. I would be free to come and go without worrying about finding sitters for her. I could go to conferences, and be gone all day, and cook and eat without constantly measuring food and calculating carbs.

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I'm going to have to do some more praying about this. I made an appointment with Therapist for Daughter tomorrow, but I think I'm going to go alone. The two of us can weigh the pros and cons and come up with a plan. At this point, my inclination is still to turn it down. If we have to wait 10 more years, we wait. I don't plan to be here in 10 years, and I know that God will provide the right opportunity at the right time. I'm not sure this is the right opportunity at the right time.

Gifts

When I come across people like Angry Man, over the years I have learned that the best way to deal with them is to pray for them. When I pray for someone, my attitude towards the individual changes. As I've prayed for AM, I've become aware of some of the pain and stress in his life. I understand why he is so angry, and why he feels the need to control something. Recognizing his pain, I can have more compassion and avoid responding with anger and defensiveness. This ability is a gift from God, not something I can do on my own.

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Today I had a very crazy day scheduled. Two gifts eased the stress considerably: 1. Daughter woke up this morning complaining of not feeling well and asked to stay home. I could have convinced her to go to the workshop, but decided to view this as the gift of 40 minutes, since it meant I didn't have to go to Town to pick her up before taking her to an appointment with her diabetes doctor in the opposite direction. 2. The people I was planning to visit had forgotten another commitment. I'll get back with them next week. That freed up even more time, which I am using on sermon preparation.

Balancing out the Day

This afternoon I visited Historian. He had missed a few Sundays (he is in his mid 80's), and his daughter was concerned about his mental state. Historian and I have worked closely on a number of major projects for the church, including writing a history of the church. I had received a copy of a chapter of a history book that was about our congregation from the individual who had recently translated it into English, so I took this to show Historian. He began our conversation by telling me that never, in the history of the church, had the congregation been in such good shape financially. He pointed to the surplus in the general fund and the money to fund all the building improvements that are currently taking place. In addition to new carpet, Angry Man measured 5 windows in my home for replacement this afternoon.

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I thanked Historian, and told him I'd needed his reminder today. He has always been a listening ear for me. I told him a bit about my conversation with Angry Man. He offered me a beer, pointing out it had to be 5:00 someplace. I declined, but eventually accepted a glass of wine, which was wonderful. This evening I met with a bride to finalize wedding plans. Tomorrow afternoon I get to go visit our new baby.

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Daughter made it through her friend's funeral today. She was angry that I wouldn't jump in the car the minute she got home to take her to basketball practice. She is going to get the schedule tomorrow, and I will try to get her to the rest of the practices. She tried to do basketball a couple of years ago, but ended up quitting because it was too hard to regulate her blood sugar. Practice is right at supper time, which makes it harder to balance out her blood sugar. Tonight I couldn't take her because of my commitment to the bride.

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All in all, it was a good, productive day. I feel good about some of the things I got done, and I enjoyed my visit with Historian. Angry Man is one sad man, and he is not going to be able to stop what God is accomplishing here in Tiny Village.

Angry Man

Angry Man just arrived at my home to do some work and take some measurements. He informed me that there are too be no more animals in the parsonage, though he will graciously allow Cat and Kitten to stay. He reiterated that the church will not pay for high speed Internet, though if I can show hard figures to prove it saves money, he might consider it at some point in the future. He told me I have to move youth group because he doesn't want them meeting during finance and building meetings. Finance and building meetings are much more important than youth group. I pointed out that his meetings were moved to youth group night so that the groups could meet at the same time, and he could move his meeting-- even if it is upstairs to the office. I may have won that one-- we'll see.

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He informed me that the current budget is unsustainable, and we will not be able to continue it. He says that even though we are currently over $7,000 ahead of budget for the year. He doesn't care how much money we're receiving, the current budget is too high and can't be sustained. Facts don't matter.

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Yes, I'm going to work on my paperwork so I can begin to search much more actively after the first of the year. He informed me they will never again call a pastor who has pets. I hope that works out for them.

Turning Down an Opportunity

With the death of one of Daughter's friends, there will most likely be an opening in a supported living home. Case Manager called me about it today. I pondered it, and made an appointment for Daughter with Therapist so we could talk about it. Then this afternoon we saw Psychiatrist. Daughter still isn't stable. She is experiencing a great deal of anxiety. She is still hearing voices. Psychiatrist thinks that the voices she hears are flashbacks, and what we are dealing with is severe Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I agree. Right now we are dealing with layers of triggers: anniversary issues; the death of both of her grandparents; the death of a friend; even NG and physical closeness with a man.

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To try to move Daughter to a new home away from me at this point in time would add a whole new layer stress and another huge trigger. Psychiatrist confirmed my gut feeling that now is not the time to look at making this kind of move. So with some regret and some relief (that I won't have to deal with the fall out), I am going to tell Case Manager that now is not a good time, and we will wait for another opening. Therapist will continue working with Daughter on finding security in the knowledge that she is safe and has a voice to keep herself safe, even in threatening situations.

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Hopefully the next time there is an opportunity, Daughter will be stable and have enough confidence in her ability to keep herself safe to make a successful move into a more independent living situation. For now, I have an as needed prescription for xanax for her. We'll try it the next time she's too anxious to sleep in her own bed. If the xanax helps and she begins to need it on a regular basis, Psychiatrist will reevaluate her base meds and adjust them to provide more help for anxiety. While I'm not happy about adding another med, I'm hopeful that if we can identify the base problem as anxiety, we will be able to cut back on some of her other meds and find a balance that will enable her to be successful. I still await the day when they can measure out of whack brain chemicals and adjust them the way we do blood sugar and insulin.

The Down Side of Church

Last night was our budget meeting. It is never a pleasant meeting. A year ago it was announced that 2009 was the final year that the congregation would be able to afford a full time pastor. Giving so far this year is $7,000 over budget, which is good anytime but on a budget of just over $100,000 in our current economy, it's amazing. This year I hoped to head off some of the controversy by telling the budget committee I didn't want a raise for next year. They still found things to fight about, and they cut the budget.

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This congregation refuses to fund ministry. They will take care of building problems immediately, but anything else is a pain. We had someone donate a year's worth of DSL, because the finance people refused to pay for it. Between that and the 2 computers (1 used and 1 new) that were donated, we're twice as efficient in the office. Last night it was announced that if the anonymous donation stops, so will the DSL, because it isn't necessary. Neither are the computers. It isn't necessary to have a TV for the youth group to watch and discuss videos. It isn't necessary to give any staff members raises (ever-- 3 staff members haven't had a raise in 13 years). New carpet is necessary. New windows for the parsonage are necessary. Electrical upgrades are necessary. Program money is a waste and will not be funded. Angry Man (AM) was in rare form last night.

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Once a year we have this meeting, and once a year I come away wondering why God called me to this place at this time. Last night AM brought in a bill he thought was too high for some plumbing repairs at my house. The grandson of a member did them, and AM was so ugly with him that we've probably lost all future contributions from his entire family. The rest of the group thought the bill was reasonable and that he had done a good job. AM also blasted the board for being lazy and not doing their share around the church. He was mad because he didn't think they were enthusiastic enough about coming in and cleaning the church on one day's notice after the carpet installation. Seven of the ten board members were represented. One was in the fields (it was the middle of harvest), one didn't know about it, and one couldn't make it. I think that's pretty good when you consider that it's not the board's job, and they were commanded to be there without much notice (and with no thanks or gratitude). AM didn't think so-- and thinks they have a bad attitude because they don't do more on the building and finance end (not that they are allowed, even though supposedly they are responsible for all aspects of the church and its ministry). By the time AM left, the board was visibly upset. Two of the women were shaking. I comforted them with the fact that this man was ending his term. At that point the nominating committee chair informed me that he was being nominated for a second three year term. AM gets part of his attitude from his father, and I'm sure passed part of it on to his son, who will begin service on the board in January.

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Maybe it's time to be more proactive in my search for a call to a new church....

Assorted Ramblings

So Daughter is sleeping in my bedroom at night because she can't sleep unless she's near me. All medication, insulin, and knives are locked up because she can't be trusted around them. Yesterday afternoon she wasn't sure what to do about NG because it turned out the whole time he was here Flasher was waiting in the car.

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Yesterday evening she was asking me why they had to wait a year before they could get engaged and married. I told her sometime ago that I always counseled couples that they should be dating for at least a year before they discussed marriage. At the time, she thought it was a good idea. Every time she has a boyfriend she doesn't think it's such a good idea. She told me she wants to live independently-- but she's clinging to me

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One of the women in the church is a case manager at the sheltered workshop. This morning she warned me that one of Daughter's friends died this morning-- probably of H1N1, though they're calling it pneumonia. I told Daughter, who was appropriate in her grief.

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Daughter is still hearing voices. She tried to sleep in her own room last night, and ended up wetting her bed, and it's been a very long time since she did that. If my car isn't going to be ready tomorrow, I'm going to have to rent a car. Daughter has an appointment in Big City on Tuesday with Psychiatrist. She has to get to that. I also need to get to the hospital in City tomorrow. One of our members is in the hospital with H1N1.

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On a more positive note, this morning was good. Worship went well, and things are happening in a lot of areas. I had a number of conversations this morning about upcoming events. We have a board meeting this evening, and should get a lot done there. I have a number of visits I need to make this week, and Daughter has 2 doctors appointments, so it will be a busy week. I like busy weeks.

Coaching

One of my roles with Daughter is coach. She needs prompting on some relationship issues. NG came over to hang out today. They worked on dance moves, and then I made them quesadillas for lunch. After lunch, she was going to go back to teaching him how to dance. I suggested she offer other options, like a movie or game. He chose a game. She wanted to play Disney Scene It. I told her she needed to offer him options. They ended up playing Yahtzee.

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Flasher called this morning and wanted to hang out with them. I said no. Daughter thanked me. I told her she could say no without my help. She got a message from NG telling her Flasher wanted to hang out with them. When he arrived, I told them both that they needed to learn how to say no to Flasher. I asked NG how many times Flasher had hurt them. "A lot." He acknowledged he doesn't want to hang out with Flasher, but doesn't know how to say no in the face of Flasher's persistence. So, I'll be the mean mom and say no while they are learning how to do it for themselves.

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Daughter and NG seem to do well together and enjoy one another's company. NG is perfectly content to come hang out here and have me feed them. The one area where they don't seem to need any coaching is in the good bye kiss. As long as that's the extent of their physical involvement, I can live with it.

Friday the 13th

If I was superstitious, I'd say it was because it's Friday the 13th. But I'm not superstitious, I just haven't had a good day today. I dutifully gathered up my material and got in the car. It wouldn't start. I called roadside assistance. They sent someone from 20+ miles south of here to jump it. He didn't bring a tow truck. I could have told them it didn't need to be jumped. It wasn't turning over at all, but the electrical stuff was all coming on.

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By the time he left, not only wouldn't the car start, it wouldn't shift out of park, and I couldn't get the keys out of the ignition. I called roadside assistance again. They sent someone from 20+ miles southwest of here to tow it to a dealership 15 miles northeast of here that does towing. The dealership doesn't have a loaner available. Customer assistance said the problem may not be covered by warranty. By this time, it was too late to call a rental car place and get a rental car without Daughter coming home to an empty house and having to stay alone for an extended period of time. Not a good idea.

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So, I didn't get out of here today. The soonest I can get a car at this point is probably Monday sometime. I don't expect to have my car back then. They haven't even looked at it yet. Whatever the problem is, I'm going to argue that it's connected to the intermittent electrical problem they couldn't track down when the power steering module went out this summer, and since it was under warranty then, this should be covered. That's what I'm going to argue. It's less than 3,000 miles out of warranty, and it's just over 2 years old. Far Away Sister thinks that I can get them to cover it with that argument. It was made by an American company that got a government bailout, and they need to keep their customers happy. With the death of my parents, I'm not going to get a discount on those cars anymore, so they really need to keep my happy if they want me to buy another car from them....

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So, even though Daughter is healthy now, I'm still stuck at home. The walls are still closing in. If I was superstitious, I'd say it had something to do with today being Friday the 13th, but I'm not superstitious, so I won't say that.

A Welcome Sight and a Laugh

A little while ago the big yellow bus picked up Daughter and took her far away from me for the next 6 hours. Due to fog and a route change, it was 90 minutes late, but it came. Daughter got on it. She called me within 5 minutes, but that was just to explain that there had been a route change and that was part of the reason the bus was late. She was so excited to be going back, I think in large part because she gets to see NG, the new boyfriend.

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I have decided that I'm going to pack up some books and head to Town around lunch time. I won't go to the nursing home, because I don't want to risk exposing anyone, but I will go to a fast food place to work on sermon and such. I'll stop by the store to pick up a few groceries. It will be wonderful to get out of this house. The walls were beginning to close in on me.

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Far Away Sister and I both had a good laugh yesterday. Little Niece has been running a low grade fever for much of the last 4 weeks. We've been concerned, and even more concerned because Sister didn't seem to be as concerned as we were. We've been advising her to drop some of Little Niece's activities, as we didn't think an almost 5 year old needed 5 extra activities a week. So yesterday Far Away Sister got to thinking. She went online and did some research. Sister had purchased this wonderful new temporal artery thermometer (Far Away Sister and I think Little Niece should be old enough to sit still and hold a digital thermometer under her tongue, but that's another story.) It turns out that anything below 100.1 is normal on a temporal artery thermometer. Far Away Sister called Sister and suggested she really needed to read the manual. Then she called me, explaining she couldn't laugh when she was talking to Sister, but she called me because she had to laugh about it with someone. When caller ID showed Sister was calling a little later, I was still laughing. I tried hard not to, but I couldn't help it. I assured Sister that she'd laugh about it someday. Right now she's just very embarrassed. We're all relieved that Little Niece hasn't been sick all this time. Far Away Sister and I both needed the laugh. Nephew is still sick, but has recovered enough that he is doing all he can to annoy Tall Niece.

Grief

In the last 24 hours I have done two things I was procrastinating on: I have made a motel reservation for Thanksgiving night, and I have finished writing the Blue Christmas service. The Blue Christmas service won't be until December, but I need to have it done Sunday so that the board members can volunteer for parts. Blue Christmas services are designed for people for whom the holidays are difficult, often because of grief. Mom's birthday is at Thanksgiving. This afternoon I was struggling to get motivated to do some work on Advent worship and Christmas Eve. I put on some Christmas music to help get in the mood.

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All of these things have resulted in waves of grief sweeping over me. Mom loved Christmas. The music brings back so many memories. Thanksgiving and Christmas are going to be very different this year. Last year Thanksgiving was very bittersweet. I find myself remembering it, and visiting Dad in the hospital. In some ways, it was the beginning of the end for both of them. Dad was in and out of the hospital for the rest of his life. In December Dad agreed to get rid of his car. In January we had to step in and take over his finances after discovering that the individual he had chosen to do it was helping appropriating his money.

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Maybe I shouldn't blame poor Daughter for the fact that I'm on edge. Maybe I should blame the memories of the past year. It was painful enough living through it once, I certainly don't want to relive it this year. I'm going to have to find new traditions and other things to focus on through this holiday season.

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Daughter has been fever free today. Her blood sugar was finally back in range before supper. Now I have to decide if I'm going to let her go to the workshop tomorrow.

I Shouldn't Whine, but...

I am grateful that Daughter's flu has been such a mild case. I really am. Over all, she has been cooperative and not demanding. I need to keep reminding myself of that. I need to be grateful-- Nephew is still sick, and Far Away Sister reported this morning that she is officially stir crazy. This is his 7th day with it. His case is also mild, and he's also been cooperative. So does it sound ungrateful if I now say I want Daughter to go back to the workshop? The little things are much more annoying.

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It is a struggle for her to hold the thermometer under her tongue.

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She doesn't blow her nose unless I tell her to.

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She has no sense of personal space, so no matter what I am trying to do in the kitchen, she is in the way. Today I told her I'd finish something up for her (because she was being overly dramatic at how difficult it was, getting on my last nerve), and I had to tell her to move because she was totally blocking my access to the task.

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She has this need right now to be close to me-- she slept in the recliner in my room last night. I have a need for some space from her right now. I know that if she doesn't get her need to be close to me met, it will be even harder, so I'm biting my tongue and sucking it up....

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Okay. Now back to the official line. I am grateful that she has such a mild case of flu and is recovering so well. I am grateful that she has such a mild case of flu and is recovering well. I am grateful....

"No, you can't go anyplace or have anyone over. You're sick!"
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"I don't care if you're bored at home, you're not going back to the workshop tomorrow. You're sick!"
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"Yes, you are getting better, but the fact that you needed a 3 hour nap this afternoon says you're still not healthy."
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Can you tell it's been a fun evening at my house? But all of this is a good sign. She is getting better.

14 Hours

Daughter slept 14 hours last night. She seems to be improving, but I'm no longer optimistic that she'll be able to return to the workshop tomorrow. She hasn't been especially demanding or difficult, but even so, I'm very much aware of how much I need her to go to the workshop daily. I need that break from her. I need that time with her gone and someone else responsible for her safety.

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The need to keep her safe from herself adds to the stress of having her home. There are 4 locked areas: a file cabinet with most of the meds, a money box with the weekly meds, a money box in the refrigerator with all the extra insulin, and a larger box with a combination lock that holds the knives and the insulin pouch and keys over night. During the day, I need to make sure the insulin pouch and keys are with me all the time (at least when she's home).

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It's a relatively small thing, but it gets exhausting. All knives have to be washed and returned to the lock box immediately. I have to watch her swallow her pills and inject the insulin I draw up. I need to measure out her food and make sure she is wandering by the refrigerator between authorized meals. I had thought she was becoming more trustworthy in the food department, but have discovered missing food in the last 2 days. I love her dearly, and having her with me 24 hours a day is wearing me out. I will be very grateful when she is healthy enough to go back to the workshop.

Being Sick

Daughter is very seldom sick. Many reactive attachment disorder kids don't get sick. It's weird, but they somehow manage to stay healthy. When they are sick, they don't know how to act. Daughter will insist she isn't sick when she is, and tell me she is sick when she's healthy. It's always been a challenge to discern what's going on with her and when I need to be concerned or take her to the doctor.

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Last night I gave her motrin at bedtime, as her temperature was climbing and I didn't want her to wake up miserable during the night, as Nephew has been. So far today she's been fever free, and she definitely has more energy and more of an appetite. She actually took a shower and got dressed today. She's drinking more today, too. Yesterday I couldn't convince her to drink. Her blood sugars, though, continue to run high. I've been giving her extra insulin, but I don't want to give her too much. To complicate things, I just discovered that she's been into extra food. I once again explained to her that she will recover more quickly with good blood sugars, so she needs to work with me and tell me what she's eating so we can cover it with insulin. Will she remember? Maybe.

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I'm glad we don't have to deal with this very often. I'm also glad she seems to be recovering, in spite of herself.

The Impact of the H1N1 Coverage

Daughter slept all afternoon, and came down around 5:00 and announced she was hungry. Since she hadn't eaten since about 8:30 this morning, I'm not surprised. As we were eating supper, she announced that she was afraid she was going to die. She doesn't watch the news, but she'd seen and heard enough to know that H1N1 is dangerous and people are dying. Far Away Sister tells me that Nephew has repeatedly expressed the concern that he is going to die. He's been sick since Friday. His temperature is beginning to come down, but it was still over 102 this afternoon.

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While it's important to educate the public about the danger of this flu, I think it's a shame that the coverage has resulted in Nephew and Daughter being terrified that they're going to die. It's hard enough being sick without that worry hanging over their heads.

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Today was my day off, and C still came this morning (I warned her Daughter was sick) and we tackled the guest room, which had become a junk room. We've made great progress, but there is still much more to do. Tomorrow Secretary will be in the office. I can't leave Daughter alone for any length of time and I don't want to take her to the church, so I'll be running back and forth and emailing a lot of documents to the church. It's going to be a long week....

A Mild Case

Well, it seems that if Daughter does have H1N1 it is a mild case. Her appetite is down, her blood sugar is slightly elevated, she's coughing, she's running a low grade fever, and she's complaining quite a bit. Last night she came downstairs after she went to bed in a panic, "Mom, my body is on fire! I'm burning up inside! I'm feeling terrible!"

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Her skin felt cooler to me, but I stuck the thermometer into her mouth. Her temperature was 98.5. "You're temperature is down to normal. You're getting better."

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"Oh. Then why am I so hot?"

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"Take some of the blankets off your bed."

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"But then I'll be cold."

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"Take one off, leave one on, and if you get cold pull the other one back on."

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She vanished back up the stairs not to be heard from until morning.

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She had her normal breakfast, but has yet to eat lunch, and it's now almost 3:00. She'll be down when she gets hungry. I'll keep her home tomorrow, and the workshop is closed on Wednesday. Hopefully she'll be able to go back on Thursday.

H1N1

Far Away Sister took her kids to get the H1N1 shot Thursday after school. Friday Nephew stayed home with a cough. By evening, he had a fever of over 103. According to the doctor, he has a relatively mild case, but Far Away Sister is having to give him both motrin and tylenol to keep his fever down. He's been pretty miserable. They are sanitizing everything and getting everything for him to keep him from touching anything.

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So this afternoon I was talking to Far Away Sister and commented that Daughter was upstairs coughing. She said, "Uh-oh." By supper time Daughter was leaning against me and felt hot to me. I had her check her temperature, and texted the result to Far Away Sister-- 99.8. She called immediately. It's exactly the way Nephew's illness started. Daughter had her head in my lap and was coughing. Far Away Sister said she sounded like Nephew. I'm running through my schedule in my mind, trying to figure out how much I"m going to have to cancel this week. Daughter is already telling me how much her chest hurts when she coughs. She will be a terrible patient. It will be a challenge showing sympathy to someone who is so dramatic . I'm taking it one day at a time, which means I have 3 commitments for tomorrow that will probably need to be cancelled. Far Away Sister helpfully pointed out that the side effects of Tamiflu include psychosis and suicidal thoughts. One day at a time.

Peace (At Least Temporarily)

Daughter sat down and on her own came up with a list of reasons she deserved to have good things in her life. Once she had come up with her list, she calmed down and apparently the voices stopped. She was able to do a few chores and for a while she sat next to me with her head on my shoulder. The peace that came over her was truly amazing.

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She went to bed, and probably slept well. I went to bed and had weird dreams all night long. When she gets into bad places and starts raging and hearing voices, I end up exhausted. I always struggle with when it is time to take her to the hospital. When do I call Psychiatrist about a medication change? What do we try to work through at home? What could I do differently to prevent her from becoming psychotic to begin with? Is there anything I can do? Of course, according to D, all I have to do is get her off the medication and stop having those counselors talk to her about her past abuse....

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One of the things I realized last night is that by locking up the medication and insulin, I have taken away one of her coping mechanisms. It used to be that when the voices started up and she felt the need to hurt herself, she could take extra insulin. The resulting low met that need. Now, she can't get at any of the easy ways to hurt herself. I need to remember to remind her of some of the other things that Therapist suggested she do when she feels the need hurt herself. For now, I will enjoy the peace and hope that it continues when I wake her up in a few minutes.

No Good Deed....

With Daughter, it truly is true that no good deed goes unpunished. She is currently outside supposedly calling the police to come throw her in jail where she belongs. She's threatened to do that before, but tonight she is so out of control she just might follow through.

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She had a good night last night, in which I did some really nice things for her in fixing the supper she wanted for her date. I should have known that today would be a rough day for her, but I wasn't thinking, so I decided to relax her hair. That's two hours of intense together time that ends up with her having beautiful, straight hair. All the good overwhelmed her, and she became scared and began acting out.

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She came back in the house without having called the police. She wants help. The voices are telling her to hurt herself. She doesn't want to go back to the hospital. She acknowledges that I am right in my analysis, but she's resisting writing down the reasons why she deserves to have good things happen to her, because she either can't do it or it won't help. It could be a very long evening.

"It's Me"

I had three phone calls from Daughter yesterday. I was going to be doing errands in Town yesterday afternoon, so I told her I'd pick her up early from the workshop. I figured that would make it easier for her to get through the day. I also wanted her home a little earlier so she could help with the final clean-up in preparation for her date.

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The first call was fine, but the second 2 came while I was at lunch with a colleague and she was teary and wanting me to come get her. I gave her my standard pep talk about how she was doing well and could make it through the day. I've been giving her that pep talk a couple of times a day for a couple of weeks now. I had hoped the increase in meds would eliminate the need for the pep talk, but it didn't. I was a little concerned that even knowing I was picking her up and she had a date that night wasn't enough to get her through the day. Usually, when she calls with her tears and pathetic voice, she blames something that is going on at the workshop. Someone is bothering her, or her blood sugars are out of whack (which they usually aren't), or some other minor excuse.

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When I picked her up yesterday, I asked her what had been going on that she needed to call me. Because she was interrupting my lunch, I had not given her time to tell me the whole sad tale, I'd gone right into my pep talk. In response to my question, she responded that she didn't know what had caused her problems, nothing had been going on at the workshop. She ended with, "It's me."

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While it's good that she's not blaming her problems on others, it's concerning that even with a short day and something to look forward to she still struggles to make it through the day. There are times when I wonder why, like with her blood sugars, there isn't a blood test that would determine what chemicals are off in her brain and enable Psychiatrist to find the right balance of meds for her. Maybe someday....

The Date

Daughter had her date tonight. I made meatloaf, mashed potatoes and gravy, broccoli and brownies for them. Daughter set the table in the dining room, and the two of them ate there. Then they sat on the living room couch and watched Bruce Almighty. This was different from other times she's had guys over. NG and Daughter have been friends for quite a while. They talk. They've always talked, even when they were "dating" different people. They talked, and laughed, and obviously enjoyed being together. After the movie, he left. She snuggled against him for the movie, and they kissed on the front porch. She has thanked me several times for cooking for them. She is so happy.

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Will this relationship last? I doubt it. But hopefully they will have some fun before it's over.

Accentuate the Positive

I'm trying to remember the song that has that line-- accentuate the positive. It will probably be bugging me all day now.... Yesterday, in the midst of her frustrations with the chores she had to do and my corrections of it (clean mirrors aren't streaked), Daughter went outside for something. There was excitement in her voice as she called, "Mom, come here! Come quick!" She wanted me to come outside and see the sunset with her. It was beautiful. I thanked her for sharing it with me. I was delighted that in the midst of her struggles, she was able to see and appreciate the beauty of creation.

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This morning I could smell her before she even came downstairs. She put on perfume. She fussed with her hair. She has a date tonight. Nice Boy (NB) is coming over for supper and a movie. He wanted to take her to a football game (but I think the season is over), but I said that before they could go out together they needed to hang out here at the house a few times until everyone was comfortable with the situation. Neither one of them objected. I've met NB's mom through Special Olympics, and I like her. NB has some challenges with anger management, but he's a great improvement over Flasher and some of her previous boyfriends. I will be surprised if their relationship lasts long enough for them to get to going out on dates together, but we'll see. For today, she is very happy. They have ordered meatloaf, mashed potatoes, corn, and a chocolate dessert for supper. I have a lunch date with a colleague today, and after that I'll stop by the nursing home and then pick Daughter up so she can go to the grocery store with me and come home and help me get ready. She's so excited. No one could say she's over medicated today!

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Okay, I went on line and found the video of the song. Now maybe I'll be able to get some work done.

People Who Don't Understand

A woman, D, stopped by the church this morning while Secretary and I were working in the office. Somehow, the conversation got around to Daughter. She informed me it was obvious that Daughter was on too much medication and I needed to stop taking her to all these counselors and psychiatrists who just stirred up things that happened when she was too young to remember.

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I foolishly tried to explain and defend Daughter's needs and treatment. D is never going to understand, and she'll always be convinced that I am creating Daughter's problems.

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I struggle with the amount of medication Daughter is on. I held off doing anything about her downward spiral because I knew it would mean more medication. She is having tremors, and the Psychiatrist has said if they are too bad we can give her a medication to stop the tremors. I don't want to put her on more medication to counter side effects of other medications. I also don't want her hearing voices instructing her to kill people. I don't know what was talked about while she was in the hospital, but I know that neither Psychiatrist or Therapist are talking to her about her past abuse. Both are focused on giving her the tools she needs to improve her functioning.

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I know I'm doing a good job with Daughter. I know that I'm making the best of a difficult situation. I know that I have rejected medical professionals who didn't understand her needs and been willing to drive great distances to find her the help she needs. I know that I am good at recognizing and stopping her manipulations. I also know I'm not perfect. So why do I feel the need to defend myself?

Triggers

As I have thought more about anniversary reactions such as Daughter has every fall, I've realized that this year her reaction was made much worse by Dad's death on September 29. As the anniversary of the disintegration of her birth family approached, her grandfather died, and died before she had time to properly grieve and recover from her grandmother's death June 9.

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I told Therapist yesterday that I think she's still in the downward spiral, but the hospitalization rewound it a bit so she's in a better place than she was before she went in. When Therapist came out to get her, Daughter was sleeping with her head on my shoulder. She told Therapist she's overwhelmed. Therapist worked with her on breaking down the things that were overwhelming her with pieces of clay. She also told Therapist that the only place she feels safe is with me at home. Therapist succeeded in lifting her mood some, and she was more cooperative when we got home.

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Mom's birthday is at Thanksgiving, so I fear that Daughter will continue to struggle with anniversary issues and her grief for a while yet. I bought some playdough yesterday, so my hope is that next time she is overwhelmed she can use that to break it down into manageable pieces. Of course, the challenge with Daughter has always been that something like that only works one time, and then we have to find a new trick....

Anniversaries

Twenty years ago, a man beat his son. The mother went to the school the next day and pointed out the bruising. He had been violent with the children many times over the years, and protective services had been involved repeatedly. This time, though, she decided it was enough. She reported the abuse, and then packed up her three children and moved into a shelter for abused women. Her daughter was two years old. In the months that followed, there was chaos. The man moved out, and the wife and children moved back into their rental home. Mom was very childlike, beaten down from years of verbal abuse, and was unable to be the parent to her three children. The oldest boy threw the younger boy down the stairs, causing serious injury. The younger children went to stay with friends until the oldest boy could be admitted to the psych unit. On the psych unit, the oldest boy acknowledged that he and the other male members of the family had repeatedly molested the two year old girl. Finally, in March, I received a phone call asking me to come get the two younger children. Mom had broken her shoulder, and no one else wanted them. The little girl stayed with me, the brother, who was acting out in frightening ways already, ended up in therapeutic foster care.

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Daughter does not have verbal memories of any of this. She knows the broad outlines of her story, because we have talked about it many times. For a number of years she would ask me to tell her again what had happened around her adoption day. She doesn't have verbal memories, but her body remembers. Her body remembers, and every fall she struggles. Therapist told me the other day that we were probably dealing with anniversary issues in the fall, and we might never know exactly what they were. I began thinking, and I remembered. I received a call when the family moved into the shelter, because I was their pastor. I went to visit them in the shelter. I remember this little girl with very big eyes who stood quietly with her back to the wall watching everything that was going on. She was nonverbal at that time, but the hyper vigilance was obvious. Of course, back then, I didn't know what I know now, and I didn't recognize that warning sign.

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When I agreed to keep her as my foster child, I believed that with love and stability she would heal and be fine. She has healed, but she will never be fine. She was forever damaged by those first three years in a house of horrors. When she was 18 months old she witnessed a knife fight between her brothers. She told me the story when she was young, and I doubted it was real. Her birth mother confirmed that it was real one day when Daughter was 6 years old and confronted her with some of her memories. When she woke up crying in her crib, her birth father would go in and backhand her. Her brother testified to that in the termination of parental rights case. When her brothers bathed her, they molested her. She was forced to perform oral sex on them. She wasn't even three years old. She told me that story one day, too. "Brother, snake, mouth, yucky." She was 4 or 5 and still couldn't put together a complete sentence. I don't think she remembers that now, either. I've talked to her about how her first family couldn't keep her safe. That's why she had to leave them. That's why she came to live with me.

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I remember. I know the story. I know that it was the fall she was 2 that the final disintegration of the family began. I remember, because there were fall decorations at the shelter when I visited, and the move came right around Halloween. I remember. Daughter's body remembers, and the fear and terror of those days still play themselves out every fall. It's one anniversary I wish we could skip.

Overwhelmed

Daughter is very easily overwhelmed right now. She didn't do anything in her bedroom last night because she was overwhelmed and didn't know where to begin.

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Today she called me twice from the workshop, begging me to come get her. I assured her she could make it through the day, and she did, though reluctantly, and only because I refused to pick her up. She didn't do any work when it came in, because she was overwhelmed (though she told them she didn't feel good.)

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She has a new boyfriend, and wants to spend time with him. She recognizes that that means she'd best be super cooperative at home. So, she came home and asked for a list of chores. I told her I wanted her to do three things in her bedroom: put away the clothes and shoes on her floor (there aren't that many), and clean out one of the bags she's used to hide things. She told me she thought we needed to strip down her room again. I've done it before, and was thinking it was time, I just didn't have the energy to do it. So, since she has requested, I think we'll make it our Saturday project this week.

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She's trying, but every thing is a struggle for her right now. I called and talked to Psychiatrist's nurse today. I've had her on the proper dose of Depakote-- which is 1250 mg. Today I find myself wondering if it will have to go up again. She is showing early warning signs of hearing voices. We're taking it one day at a time, but the days are a real struggle for her right now.

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I had a productive day in the office, and am feeling less overwhelmed. Thanks to the work we did on files yesterday, I was able to find a form I needed quite easily tonight. Now if only I could get my computer and new wireless computer to communicate so I could print out another form I need....

A Good Morning

Daughter was up on her own this morning. She came down with a cheery, "Good morning!" and gave me a kiss. For the second time ever, our blood sugars were identical this morning-- and very good at 90. That's the lowest mine has been in a quite a while-- which confirms that stress will raise blood sugar. I've told Daughter no about a couple of things, and she has accepted the limits I've given her. She even came to me and said, with a grin, "I suppose you're going to say no if I ask...." I did, of course.

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This morning I looked at her discharge papers from the hospital and realized that she is supposed to be on 1750 mg of Depakote. I've been giving her 1250 mg. The nurse told me Psychiatrist had taken her up 250 mg the first day. I confirmed that that put her at 1250. Now I need to find out where the 1750 came from. The problem with higher levels of Depakote is her tremors get much worse. I'm going to call the nurse this morning to try and figure things out. Tonight we have to fill pill boxes, so I really do need to get it figured out.

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I'm looking forward to a good day. I'll be in the office this morning, and then this afternoon I'll go to Town. I'll pick up prescriptions and visit the saints in the nursing home. We have a new baby (who was born right before the children's sermon on Sunday-- the text came in and I announced it to the children), but I don't think I'll try to visit. I'm sure with the H1N1 precautions I wouldn't be able to get in, anyway. They could very well get home today, and since they live here in Tiny Village, I'll give them a call and see about stopping by at home.

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It is so good to be settling back into normal. At least, normal for us!

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Her First Day Back

Daughter called me about 2:00. They didn't have work, and she was bored, but she wasn't crying. She asked if I would come pick her up. No. I'm not going to take 45 minutes out of my day because she's bored. She offered to do house work if I'd pick her up. I declined the offer. She came home and took a nap-- I think the day wore her out. She has been relatively cooperative this evening, so that's good.

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C and I spent 4 hours in my study today. I cleaned out three file drawers, and dealt with all the papers that were piled up in the study and dining room. We filled the recycling bin and 7 paper grocery bags with papers (many shredded) to be recycled. I assured her I could keep her busy until she finds a full time job. She pointed out that in the current economy that could take a while.

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It feels good to be bringing order to the chaos that has surrounded me. There is still work to do in the study, but the desk is now cleared off and I can work at it for the first time in several months. It feels like I'm slowly moving beyond the grief and stress of the last few years and engaging life again.

Back in the Routine

Daughter got up the first time I called her this morning, eager to go back to the workshop. Today is my day off, and C is coming this morning. We're going to continue our assault on the paper mountain in the study and dining room. I feel good about the progress we are making. I will be able to keep C busy for many hours as we tackle the neglected corners of the house. The last few years the focus has been on my parents, not my home, and it shows.

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It would be nice if I could get Daughter to get with the program. She has a habit of leaving something in the car every time she is in it, so yesterday I took advantage of her guilt about claiming voices to get out of laundry and told her to go get her stuff out and put it away properly. After she went to bed, I discovered that her interpretation of "properly" involved dumping everything on the steps. So this morning, after she was ready to go, I told her to take those things up and put them away properly. She scurried off, and even commented about how much stuff she had on the steps. I asked if she'd put it away properly, or dumped it in her room. She admitted that she'd dumped it in her room, stating she'd deal with it tonight. I asked her how many more times she was going to move those things around before she put them away, and insisted she do it right then. Supposedly, she's done that. I hope she's telling the truth this time, but I won't hold my breath.

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My sisters continue to be concerned for my safety. The knives are locked up, and she seems to have better control of her temper now, so I'm not too concerned. I guess even during good times, the water I live in is relatively hot. Maybe that's why I keep the thermostat at 62....

She Confessed

She apologized, and admitted that she could have stopped the voices. They weren't that bad. She was overwhelmed by the laundry. It took me less than 10 minutes to fold, but for her, it was overwhelming. She promised to make tomorrow a better day. The voices may be controllable for her now, but she's still not stable. It will be interesting to see how she does when she gets back to the workshop tomorrow.

They're Back-- Maybe

The voices are back. She's not raging-- yet. She woke up complaining about cramps. She is very dramatic with just minor pain. I figured that the reminder of bowling this afternoon would do wonders for relieving her pain-- or at least the complaints. I was shocked when she said she might be too sick to go to bowling. I gave her a couple of ibuprofen with breakfast, and she made it through worship and Sunday School. We came home, and while I fixed lunch, she unloaded the dishwasher-- v e r y s l o w l y. I told her I wanted her to take care of the laundry before bowling. Instead, she sat down in a chair and fell asleep.

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She woke up just in time to leave for bowling (amazing). She promised she'd take care of the laundry as soon as we got home. She had a great time bowling, but the complaints started on the way home. She would be better off dead, she didn't belong here. So it was no surprise when she informed me she couldn't do the laundry. I broke it down into smaller pieces for her, "just fold 5 of the little yellow towels." She finally stormed off to her room, informing me she belonged in the hospital and couldn't do it. I folded the clothes in less than 10 minutes. At 6:00, she came downstairs for supper. She apologized and put the laundry away.

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I'm hoping that if she gets a good night's sleep and gets back into her routine tomorrow she'll feel better. I'm not sure if the voices are really back-- or what's going on. I hope the voices are gone. I hope that this medication increase stopped the voices. I'm hoping. Time will tell. We'll take it one day at a time.