Saturday, November 21, 2009

The Third Date

Nice Guy came over today to watch The Game. It was two weeks ago last night that he came over for the first time. All of their get togethers have gone well, but last night Daughter began worrying. She wasn't sure she could handle him being her for the whole game. Getting close to any man triggers her PTSD, and so most of her relationships are very short lived. I assured her that she could handle it. I reminded her that she has a voice and knows how to keep herself safe now. I also decided that given her anxiety, it was an opportune time to try the xanax Psychiatrist prescribed. She protested, she didn't want any more drugs. I bribed her with a piece of dark chocolate.
After I washed her hair, I put it up in rollers and put her under the hair dryer. She began sobbing and shaking uncontrollably. I asked her if she was cold, but she wasn't. She didn't know why she was crying. Her hair is wild today because I gave up on making her sit there until it was dry. I decided that xanax is definitely not the answer, though I may try one more time with half a pill, since Psychiatrist said we could try that if the whole pill was too much.
This morning she woke up in good spirits. C came over, and we did some work in the kitchen and Daughter's bedroom. NG came over, and all seemed fine. Part way through the game, I joined them, sitting next to Daughter on the couch. By halftime her head was on my shoulder. I tried to get her to put her head on NG's, but she wouldn't. She fell asleep (shut down-- she was overwhelmed). By the end of the game, she was wrapped around my arm. Poor NG couldn't figure out what he'd done wrong. I assured him it had nothing to do with him. Daughter hasn't been able to talk to him about it. She's talking about breaking up with him. I told her that that's fine, but that means she needs to stop looking for a boyfriend until she's ready to handle it. I really feel bad for NG. Most of the guys she dates deserve to be dumped, but NG hasn't done anything wrong. He's been kind and patient with her. It's not his fault that she was so damaged by the men in her birth family. She's come a long way, but she is still damaged. I don't know if she'll ever heal to the point that she can be intimate with a man.


debinca said...

Oh my, sorry about that. having just gone through my DD and Mr wonderful, she also could not handle it, I can really relate to your feelings.

I do hope your dd will get a little less stressed each time, until she can handle a friendship.

Doe she have any good girlfriends? My dd only has one. And that girl is now away at college, but they do text. Its just that my dd cannot handle that intimacy, even with a best girlfriend for very long either.

Of well.

Reverend Mom said...

She has one girlfriend, but it is not a healthy relationship. GF was also adopted, and is very manipulative. She is married to one of Daughter's former boy friends-- she started sleeping with him while he was supposedly still with Daughter.

I wish she'd find someone else, but there aren't that many options in our rural area....

Miz Kizzle said...

Sounds like she isn't ready for a boyfriend. Maybe she learned the valuable lesson that fantasizing about an engagement ring and a lavish wedding is fun one but being physically affectionate with an actual living, breathing guy is too overwhelming.
I know your intentions were good but I don't think you should have tried to make her put her head on his shoulder. If she's freaked out by the proximity of a man your encouraging an unwanted intimacy might make you seem like an abuser in her mind.
I think it would be good for your daughter and fair to NG for her to explain to him that she likes him as a friend but she's not ready for him to be her boyfriend. That empowers her and NG deserves to know he did nothing wrong.
It might be too soon to give up on the Xanax; sometimes it takes a try or two for it to be effective.

Reverend Mom said...

Miz Kizzle,

You're right, of course. Actually, I didn't so much as encourage her to put her head on him as discourage her from putting her head on me by nudging her with my shoulder. Her need for physical contact with me was greater than any discomfort I was causing her.

Thanks for the hint on the xanax. I think I will give half a xanax a try at some opportune moment.