Grief

In the last 24 hours I have done two things I was procrastinating on: I have made a motel reservation for Thanksgiving night, and I have finished writing the Blue Christmas service. The Blue Christmas service won't be until December, but I need to have it done Sunday so that the board members can volunteer for parts. Blue Christmas services are designed for people for whom the holidays are difficult, often because of grief. Mom's birthday is at Thanksgiving. This afternoon I was struggling to get motivated to do some work on Advent worship and Christmas Eve. I put on some Christmas music to help get in the mood.

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All of these things have resulted in waves of grief sweeping over me. Mom loved Christmas. The music brings back so many memories. Thanksgiving and Christmas are going to be very different this year. Last year Thanksgiving was very bittersweet. I find myself remembering it, and visiting Dad in the hospital. In some ways, it was the beginning of the end for both of them. Dad was in and out of the hospital for the rest of his life. In December Dad agreed to get rid of his car. In January we had to step in and take over his finances after discovering that the individual he had chosen to do it was helping appropriating his money.

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Maybe I shouldn't blame poor Daughter for the fact that I'm on edge. Maybe I should blame the memories of the past year. It was painful enough living through it once, I certainly don't want to relive it this year. I'm going to have to find new traditions and other things to focus on through this holiday season.

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Daughter has been fever free today. Her blood sugar was finally back in range before supper. Now I have to decide if I'm going to let her go to the workshop tomorrow.