An Oldie but Goodie

Around 3:00 this morning I woke up. I noticed the bathroom light was on, and that Daughter had moved to the other side of the bed. I figured that meant she'd wet the bed. She had. Sister took the wet things home to wash after our shopping expedition and lunch. On the way back to the motel, Daughter said she needed to use the restroom, but could make it back here. So we get up to our room and I have to remind Daughter that she said she needed to go. Once reminded, the urge was too great and she ended up wetting herself. They're picking us up in an hour, and she was wearing the only pair of dress pants she brought. I rinsed them out in the sink with shampoo, and now they're downstairs in the dryer.

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What do you do with a 22 year who has suddenly lost her toilet training? Sometimes it's just exhausting. Note to KJK: I think she'll use your air mattress while we're there-- we have a sleeping bag in the car....

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On a cheerier note, another interested church, and I am now properly made up, at a cost that was more than 2 nights in this motel. Unfortunately, the lipstick didn't make it into the bag. Sister went back to the store to pick it up for me. I'll have it for tomorrow. It's a good thing I am so laid back and easy going. I think everyone is worried about this interview but me. We'll be picked up for it in less than an hour now. It will be fine....

Sneaking

It's better at this point that the church in Tiny Village not know that I am interviewing for a new position (some would celebrate, some would be upset, all would be distracted), so I'm trying not to be too obvious about things. Officially, I'm on study leave to do worship planning and because I'm tired and need a break. I will be doing worship planning next week. All week I've had men (including a member) in the house replacing the windows (29 of them). Today I needed to go over and get my robe for Sunday. It will be a miracle if no one notices it's gone. It hangs on the coat rack in the vestibule, so I can put it on right before I head up the aisle. It was a challenge finding a time when no one was in the church or working where they could see the car so that I could go get it and put it in the car, but I managed to get it done.

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We arrived at our motel about an hour ago. We have a very nice room at a very reasonable price. A nice young man has replaced the floater in the toilet, as the toilet was running when we arrived. Daughter is really worried that I won't get this call. I think she is doing enough worrying for both of us. I keep reminding her that God will provide the right call at the right time, but she is now ready to leave Tiny Village, so she thinks this is the right time. It really is amazing that she is so welcoming of a move. Her eagerness makes me think that the time is now right. Hopefully God will agree.

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I fully expect that when I return home Tiny Village will be talking about the fact I'm moving. It will be interesting to see what happens. In a little while we're going to meet Brother and Sister-in-law for supper. Sister is taking me out to get make-up tomorrow morning. She and Far Away Sister decided I needed it. You'd think they wanted me to move or something....

Torn

This weekend I will be interviewing with a church about a potential call. This week there was a suicide in the family of one of the members here. Every contact I had with them they mentioned who would be in worship this Sunday that they wanted me to talk to. I had to apologize, and tell them I wouldn't be here. I wrote personal notes and left some resources in the office with instructions for them on where to find them.

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I feel bad that I won't be here. Whenever I am called to a new church, there will aspects of my ministry here that I feel like I haven't been able to complete. I know that. It is still hard, and I feel torn. Daughter told me last night she was afraid I wouldn't get this call. I told her again that God will call us to the right place a the right time. "What if God makes a mistake?"

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I asked her what mistakes God had made. She couldn't think of any. "Then why do you think God would make a mistake now?" I'm glad this satisfied her. I was afraid she'd ask me again why God would allow her to be born into a family that would abuse her if God loved her. The uncertainty and not knowing is especially hard for Daughter. I hope that God will provide answers soon....

The Symptom of the Day

Right now it seems like Daughter is coming up with a new physical symptom every day. I keep redirecting her to the emotional hurt behind her physical symptoms, but she isn't thrilled about being redirected. Yesterday she had rash that was itching and hurting and terribly painful, especially when she went to the bathroom. Yes, I can see how a rash on your chest would be irritated by going to the bathroom..... She called me from the workshop to tell me about that one, and when I didn't immediately rush out to rescue her from the workshop, the rash was forgotten and she claims she had a productive day.

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In the evening she pulled out the hearing voices complaint. I told her to kick those voices out of her head and tell them she was in charge. She stopped complaining.

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Today she's complaining about rectal bleeding. According to her she's in danger of bleeding to death. Daughter has a history of severe constipation, and any time your stool is big enough to clog the toilet, it's going to cause some damage on the way out. So she has had intermittent tears and bleeding. I have her back on miralax every night, much to her dismay.

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The downside of all of this is that someday she may come to me with a real complaint, and I won't believe her. I have explained this to her multiple times, of course, but Daughter remembers that almost as well as she remembers to rinse the oatmeal out of her bowl before she puts it in the dishwasher.

Rules and Forks

Due to the atrocious quality of our well water, we have a water cooler and 4 large water bottles that we refill at the grocery store. Daughter used to be responsible for changing out the water bottles, but she had made it into such an ordeal that I took it over. I have explained to Daughter numerous times that the water bottle has to be replaced immediately, and the cooler can't sit empty. That's one of my rules. Of course, all my rules are mean and unreasonable. Saturday night Daughter thoughtfully filled my water bottle for me before bedtime. Sunday morning, as she's getting her oatmeal, she asks, "Should I get water out of the big bottle and put it in the microwave?"

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Of course, she insisted she hadn't realized she'd emptied the water bottle the night before, it was just coincidence that she knew she wouldn't be able to get hot water out of it for her oatmeal. I quickly replaced the water bottle. When we got home from bowling, we couldn't get any water out. I explained to Daughter that this was why it was so important to follow Mom's rules. She immediately announced she was going to bed. I suspect that the cooler is no longer turning off and the cold water is freezing. I have turned the cooler off for now, so we can get hot water and room temperature water. I took advantage of the incident to explain (again) that Mom's rules are for reasons and that it is important to follow them. I explained that I wasn't yelling at her, I wasn't mad at her, I wanted her to learn from this experience.

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So Monday morning I opened the dishwasher to put something in and saw how much she had learned. Once again she had put her oatmeal bowl in the dishwasher without rinsing it out first. I don't know how many times I've made her wash bowls with baked on oatmeal, but she still goes through periods where she doesn't rinse them. Saturday night I had made her take out a number of items she's put in the dishwasher without rinsing them off and properly rinse them. I've explained to her that cheese and oatmeal will bake on, and most be rinsed off.

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She can recite the rules. She can tell me the reasons for the rules. She knows what happens when she doesn't follow the rules. Her intermittent refusal to comply is extremely frustrating, to say the least.

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This morning I opened the silverware drawer and discovered that once again my good forks have mysteriously vanished. She insists she has no knowledge of what happened to them. I pointed out that she's the only one who takes them out of the kitchen. I pointed out that those had been Grandma and Grandpa's before we got them. I told her I hoped she would be able to find them. She thinks it's a possibility that she can locate some of them, though she refuses to admit she's done anything with them or tell me where they might be....

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Today I got a phone call (on Daughter's cell phone) from Nice Guy. He wants to get back together with Daughter. He knows he did something wrong and he won't do it again. He can't tell me, though, what he did that was wrong. I patiently explained to him that he wants to get married, and no matter how long he waits, Daughter doesn't. I explained that it's not fair to him to settle for a girl friend who doesn't share his dream/goal. He finally said maybe they'd just be friends. Do I believe he'll settle for being "just friends?" I believe every bit as much as I believe that Daughter will follow Mom's rules.

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I realize that I seek out young women to mentor. Women who will learn and grow. Women who want to improve their lives and are capable of doing it. It makes up for some of my frustrations with my own Daughter. Right now I have two such young women I'm mentoring. I'm looking for the Daughter I'll never have. I love Daughter dearly, and it is a nice break to be able to work with one of these young women who are actually learning and growing....

Productive Day

Today when C came, I decided that rather than do more cleaning and organizing, we would work in the kitchen. So we cleaned the kitchen and cooked. We made jello, refried beans, tamales, and lasagna rolls. Everything but the jello is in the freezer. When C left, I picked up Daughter for appointment with Psychiatrist in Big City. We're reducing the Depakote with the goal of eliminating it to try to get rid of the tremors.

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We came back to Town to see Therapist, who worked with Daughter on expressing her feelings rather than coming up with physical symptoms. Daughter told Therapist that she's praying every night for me to get this new church. Her fear is not that we'll move, but that we won't. God knows what is best, as I keep reminding Daughter. I hope God's idea of what is best coincides with Daughter's idea, or I'll have a very disappointed Daughter. I have developed a tic in my left eye. I think it has something to do with a huge amount to accomplish in a limited amount of time and the uncertainty of whether we will be moving....

Area Bowling

Today was the area bowling tournament in City. Daughter was to bowl at 1:00, so we rushed out of church as quickly as we could. We picked up fast food for lunch, and got to the bowling alley in plenty of time. Daughter bowled with one of her friends, who is deaf. It was neat watching Daughter try to remember the sign language she's learned so she could communicate with her. Daughter and her friend tied for 1st place in their division, so Daughter is proudly wearing her gold medal around her neck.

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These events are always an experience. There was a young man at our table who was excited and obsessing about whistling. He was asking everyone if they could whistle and if they like whistling. The house mother for Daughter's friend demonstrated her loud whistle for him, and he was thrilled. Apparently at the sheltered workshop he attends they whistle for him every Friday.

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The basketball team from the local Catholic High School was helping with the event today. Daughter was thrilled because the young man offering encouragement on her lane was cute. He was also very young.

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It's been a long day. We stopped and did our grocery shopping on the way home. Daughter wanted to come home and take a nap. I told her she had to put the clean dishes away first. Tomorrow morning they begin replacing all 29 windows in the house. It will be nice to have new windows that are more energy efficient and that are easier to open and close, but I'm not looking forward to the mess and disruption.

A Concert

Daughter and I had a community concert last night. Concerts with Daughter are an adventure. She tried to convince me I should leave her home alone last night-- so she could prove to me she could handle it. She can't handle being away from me during the day at the workshop right now. She's bee calling me multiple times each day. I told her no, of course. I then informed her that we were going to the concert, and if she complained or wanted to leave early, there would be no TV for the rest of the weekend.

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The concert was a brass quintet, and it was fantastic. They played a wonderful variety of music, from classical to popular and had some humor thrown in with it. Daughter was on the edge of her seat all evening. She never complained. She never put her head on my shoulder. She was the first on her feet to give them a standing ovation. She loved it. She told me she loved it. She told me that all I had to do was threaten to take away her TV, and she'd enjoy concerts. I wish I'd figured that out years ago....

Up We Go....

Last night I took Daughter with me to a meeting at a church 25 miles from here. She was very patient until the last half hour or so (the meeting last 2 1/2 hours). For the last half hour she was kneeling beside me with her arms wrapped around me. So after this display of dependency we got in the car and headed home. In a couple of months she will turn 23. "Mom, I just want 2 things for my birthday." Already I was filled with dread. Her gift lists are never realistic. A couple of years ago she wanted me to take her and a couple of friends on a cruise to the Caribbean to celebrate her birthday.

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"I want a place of my own and to adopt a child."

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The rest of the drive home was taken up with gentle reminders that the last time we had the conversation about her living independently we had decided to wait at least a year before even discussing it again because every time we have the conversation she acts out to show us she can't live independently. I pointed out that before she could live independently she needed to be able to stay home alone and be safe for a couple of ours. As we were having this conversation, I was wondering if this kind of grandiose thinking might be the beginning of a manic phase. I convinced myself I didn't need to worry-- yet.

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She was 90 minutes late getting to bed last night. I told her she could take her shower this morning, dreading the battle to get her out of bed and moving after a short night. When I got up at 6:30 this morning and called her, she had been up for an hour. She had showered, washed, her hair, and even put the shampoo and conditioner away. Maybe I do need to worry....

I'm Good

After her success, with Sister last night on the Nice Guy beating her story, Daughter called Case Manager from the bus this morning to repeat the story to her. Fortunately, CM called me. CM was quite concerned about the allegation and said it would have to be investigated. I told her I wasn't sure I believed it. She promised that she would bring Daughter into her office and call and put me on speaker phone so I could participate in the conversation.

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When she called, she began by asking Daughter what had happened. I said I wanted to say some things first. I then talked about how Nice Guy had hurt Daughter with his words and constant talk about marriage, but people didn't understand how much that hurt. I reminded her of the scene in Harry Potter where Ron is attacked by a brain, and Madame Pomfrey says that ideas and thoughts can leave worst scars than anything else. I talked about how people understand the need to break up when someone hurts you physically, but not when they hurt you with their ideas or words. I told her I knew that NG had hurt her deeply, and understood her pain. I said I knew that she wanted everyone to recognize that she was in pain. I told her sometimes it's easier to tell people someone hit you than it is to get them to understand emotional pain.

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CM asked Daughter if that was what had happened. Daughter acknowledged that it was. We told her she had to be careful about making accusations like that, because they could cause lots of trouble, and acknowledged that it was too bad that hurtful words weren't enough to cause people to be sent to jail. We both told her how proud we were of her for making the right decision to keep herself safe by breaking up with NG.

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I've had a couple of more calls from Daughter and CM today. I've asked CM to please explain to staff that Daughter can't handle having a boyfriend and that they should encourage her to focus on her girlfriends and having fun with them. I promised Daughter we would go to a movie together this weekend. I've told her to sit where she can't see NG and focus on her work and her ipod. CM commented that a move would probably be good for Daughter, as it would get her out of the messy relationships in the workshop. I think she's right. God will provide the right place at the right time. For now, I'm grateful that I was able to figure out what was going on and prevent the mess of an investigation into false accusations. I do understand Daughter (at least most of the time).

Finding an Audience

So Daughter called me at noon today. She had something she had to tell me. She was obviously struggling with getting whatever it was out, so I offered a suggestion.

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"You decided to give Nice Guy another chance."
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"H-E- double hockey sticks no!"
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I was surprised. She finally told me he beat her. She claims that when they went to the movie Monday, he hit her in the parking lot after the movie. Now I take most things Daughter tells me with a grain of salt. This story was vague, and changing. She hadn't said anything when she came home, and she hadn't seemed upset. She snuggled with him on the couch after I told them they needed to wait until November to talk about marriage. She is no longer in the relationship. In short, anything that happened wasn't too major, and she's no longer in a relationship with him.

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So tonight Daughter talked to Sister and told her about all of this. She found an audience. Sister wants me to call the police, storm the workshop, and I'm not sure what else. I assured Sister that there was no reason for concern. I'm sure she thinks I'm totally incompetent.

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On a cheerier note, Daughter told me she had a little seizure at the workshop today. Someone went and got Supervisor, who told her quite firmly to stop it and take some deep breaths. Daughter was impressed by her tone of voice, and the seizure stopped. Maybe I could get Supervisor to talk to Sister....

Maybe It's Not

Daughter called me from the workshop, hysterical. She was crying so hard I couldn't understand her at first. She kept saying she'd made the biggest mistake of her entire life. She finally was able to tell me that Flasher is coming back to the workshop, and now she thinks she was wrong to break up with Nice Guy. I reminded her that Flasher was only one of many reasons for the break-up. She kept talking about a particular supervisor she'd spoken to about the situation. I knew that in the past this supervisor had been encouraging the relationship with NG. To say I was furious would be an understatement. I told her to have the supervisor call me. It took a while, but I did. It's probably good that it took a while, because it gave me an opportunity to calm down. Anyway, I patiently explained to her that there had been lots of issues with NG, and that this break-up was a good thing, and asked her please not to encourage Daughter to give him another chance. She assured me she would never do that. Do I believe her? No.

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My prediction is that we're in for another week or so of turmoil, during which the romance will be on and off several times. Eventually, though, I am confident that Daughter will recognize that it's best to just be friends....

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The supervisors at the workshop mean well, but they don't understand that Daughter's major disability is her mental illness, and specifically her PTSD. It's one of those days when I think that the sooner we're out of here, the better.

It's Over

The romance is officially over. Daughter called Nice Guy from Therapist's office to break up with him. She told me on the way there that he wasn't showing her respect and he didn't understand what she'd been through and the impact it had on her. She said if he understood and respected him, he wouldn't be pressuring her and trying to move so fast.

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When she got to Therapist's office, she revealed that the story that Flasher was coming back had been a lie. She said she couldn't trust NG any more. The fear of Flasher's return had her tied up in knots last week. She talked about the fun they'd had, but said the bad outweighed the good now. She worked out what she wanted to say to him, and then she called him.

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As she talked about breaking up, she suddenly perked up and said, "Then I can pray for Mom to get the new call!" I was wondering how much of her current struggle was about fear of moving. I'm sure that is contributing, but it seems as though in some ways she is ready and welcoming of a move. She would like to get away from some of the friends who have been adding to her stress.

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After the break up, she was sad. I suggested she write a list about the reasons she was breaking up, and then when she had doubts she could look at the list. She thought that was a great idea. We went out to eat after her appointment, and now we're home and she's happy, cooperative, and eager to be helpful and do her chores. I pray we will now have a time of peace before the next crisis comes along.

Oldies but Goodies

I knew that when we took away seizures as a way of expressing her stress, Daughter would find other ways. Yesterday evening I opened the drawer of her nightstand and found 3 empty jars of simply fruit, an empty package of chocolate chips, and various other empty food containers. I didn't find the bag of tortilla chips I was seeking. When confronted, she found it and brought it down to me. I installed the new alarm I had purchased for her bedroom door. She got up twice during the night to use the bathroom, but her blood sugar this morning assures me she didn't make a detour through the kitchen.

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Having deprived her of yet another coping mechanism, I received a call from her at about 11:00 this morning. She needed help. The voices are back. I reminded her of some of the tools we've given her for coping with voices and told her I'd see her this afternoon. Fortunately, she has an appointment with Therapist.

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We talked some more about Nice Guy. They are both very jealous of their friends who are married and pregnant. NG wants to be like them. Daughter recognizes that they are messing up their lives and is terrified. I'm beginning to think it is time for her to tell NG that they should just be friends. I don't think he can handle having a girl friend and not planning his wedding. For Daughter, the thought of getting married and leaving home triggers her PTSD and creates all kinds of problems. If I'm this tired of it, she must be wiped out.

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Hopefully Therapist will be able to help her sort through her feelings. At least I know what the major issue is, and I don't have to play guessing games.

Marriage

Daughter and Nice Guy went to a movie today. They are talking about marriage (again). I told them that conversation needs to wait until November. Daughter insists they are ready right now, and that NG has agreed not to ask her for sex. He understands that she isn't comfortable with it. She doesn't seem to understand that sex is a part of marriage, though I just explained it again.

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She still isn't comfortable being with him for extended periods of time, yet somehow things she's ready to be with him 24-7. She insists they'll work all of this out. It's so hard. She wants what other people have, and yet she isn't like other people. She isn't capable of handling her own insulin. She isn't capable of taking care of her medication. She still hasn't mastered the art of keeping her room clean. Money management is completely beyond her.

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I suspect that this will be an ongoing struggle with Daughter. I feel so bad for her. It's hard, wanting something but not quite being able to reach it. She sees Therapist tomorrow. We could again set up a plan of things she has to master to move out, but I suspect that it would lead to a crisis, just like it has every other time. When she begins talking about moving out or living independently, she acts out to prove that she isn't ready. It's sad.

Sunday

Today has been a very long day. I was going to address Haiti this morning, so when I got up I revised the sermon with information from a wonderful news article. Then I realized I hadn't written the cover letter for the annual report, so I did that. I printed everything out and headed over to the church, where I put the copier to work printing 50 copies of the 18 page annual report for distribution today. It wasn't done until yesterday evening, so I couldn't do it earlier.

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Daughter came to find me to tell me the women who were doing special music had arrived. I thought we were supposed to do a hymn today, so I hadn't put special music in the service. I went out and apologized, and then helped them with the sound system, since none of our sound system gurus had arrived. Daughter began complaining about not feeling good. I told her quite firmly that she wasn't going to have any more seizures.

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The woman she sits with began to get concerned about her shakiness. So I went over and explained, in front of Daughter, that these were psychogenic and she wasn't going to have any more. I explained that she hadn't had any more at home, and that she wasn't going to have any at church. I told her that Daughter knew to relax and shift her focus when the shaking starts.

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Of course there were all the various other people needing information from me. After worship I went downstairs, and we discovered there was no Sunday School teacher for the young children. So, I went in and reined them in. The curriculum wasn't anywhere to be found, so I pulled a story out of the Bible and then had them draw pictures from it. I was asked what had happened to the Sunday School report, which wasn't in the reports I had copied. I went and found it and made copies of it.

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I got home in time to fix lunch and do my final preparations for our January board meeting-- a four hour marathon in which we set priorities and the calendar for the coming year. There were some challenging issues we needed to deal with from a congregational life survey we'd done. Almost as soon as the meeting was over, one of the saints called me. He's a reference for me, and he has a conference call appointment tomorrow with the committee I've been talking to. He wanted to make sure he had all the details right on the list of my accomplishments here. He wondered aloud if Daughter is trying to make me look bad. It's a possibility.

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Both Sisters had called during the meeting, so I called them back. Sister thinks she can tell the bank she's done with her house and they need to do a short sale and then go out and buy something else. Far Away Sister and I are trying to get her to slow down and get some legal advice. She was out looking at condos yesterday, and is ready to buy. She hasn't even talked to the bank or her divorce lawyer (she's still living with her ex).

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To say that I am exhausted would be an understatement. I've had a headache for the last two days. I'm too tired to eat. This week they are going to begin replacing all 29 windows in my home. The current windows are original to the house, which was built in 1900. I'm sure the house will be much more energy efficient once the new windows are installed. I'm not looking forward to the disruption the work will create in our lives. Daughter will be home tomorrow, and she is making big plans with Nice Guy. They wanted to go to a movie and bowling. I suggested that one activity would be enough. It sounds like she wants to go to the movie. After her attempts to get attention at church through seizure activity, she settled down and was very cooperative this afternoon. She just informed me that NG has asked her to move out of state with him. She told him she wasn't ready. At least she recognized her limitations.

Safety

Daughter's biggest issue is feeling safe. PTSD continues to be her major challenge. Some of the things that are necessary for her to feel safe are rather strange. She doesn't feel safe when she can manipulate people. She doesn't feel safe when she is allowed to get away with things. There are other things that make more sense in terms of her safety. She no longer feels safe at Brother's house because Brother and Sister-in-law got into a shouting match in front of her. Any disturbance or show of anger is very threatening to her. She doesn't feel safe if she is touched in certain ways, some of them seemingly harmless.

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Right now she isn't certain about her safety at the workshop. Flasher may or may not be starting up again. She has been able to manipulate them with seizures, so she's not sure they are going to be able to keep her safe. She needs the supervisors to show her that they are in control and that she isn't getting to them. I've had this discussion with them a number of times. I don't care how scared you are, you have to remain super calm and not let Daughter see your concern. I've told them there are times I've deserved an academy award for my acting. You can't let her see you sweat.

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So part of her issue at the workshop right now is testing to see if she's safe-- she's checking to see if they are in charge and will call her on her manipulation. She also continues to struggle with grief. She's stressed about the possibility of a move. She doesn't do well with uncertainty. Her stress is coming out in tremors, and when they start she focuses on them and they get worse. When I'm around, I can distract her and the tremors aren't as bad.

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Daughter needs structure and needs to be busy. She likes that about the workshop. I suspect, though, that Friday she was afraid to work because she thought the tremors would start. She was also checking to see if they would make her work. Would they buy into the idea that she was too sick to work? Would they see through her manipulations? When I called her on it, she knew the gig was up. I told her I had given Supervisor my email address. We went through this every fall when school started. Until she was sure that I was going to be communicating with the teachers, she wasn't sure she was safe. Once she knew that we were communicating and that I was going to teach them how to handle her, she'd feel safe and relax.

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My hope is that now that she knows we are communicating, she will feel safe and relax. It will help, too, if Flasher isn't there. I have told Case Manager that Daughter and Flasher can't be in the same group if he comes back. They were being assigned to work side by side, and Daughter was too threatened to complain. When she experiences a powerful trigger, she is 2 years old again and unable to speak up for herself.

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The other challenge at the workshop is when they don't have work and are on down time. She is not able to structure her own time. I've explained this to them, as well. Hand her a puzzle book. Assign her to read to one of the other clients. Suggest she play a game, or draw a picture. Don't expect her to figure out how to entertain herself.

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She is testing me at home, too, I discovered tonight. She's checking to make sure I'm paying attention. Before supper she told me her blood sugar was 46. I was trying to figure out a fast sugar source for her when I got suspicious. I asked to see her meter. "Okay, that's what I want it to be. It's really 246." I'm going to have to provide closer supervision and make sure she has plenty of mommy time every day. We're going to be in for a rough few months while we wait to see if we are moving or not. If we are moving, the tough time will be even longer. In the end, though, it will be worth it.

Testing

So I've read Daughter the riot act. She knows better than to pull the seizure stuff at home. That doesn't mean, however, that she's not going to test them in every way possible at the workshop. I picked her up today to go with me to the funeral home for visitation. Supervisor came out to talk to me. Today Daughter refused all work. She told Supervisor that she had a low blood sugar this morning and I told her to take it easy. Her blood sugar was on the low end of normal, and what I actually told her was it couldn't get much better.

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She also had one of her "spells" with her eyes, head, and arm twitching. When Daughter came out, I confronted her in front of Supervisor. She was not pleased, and informed me we could talk about it in the car. She had no reason that made sense. The reality is that she is going to push the limits as much as she can. She said it was about being scared about Flasher coming back next week. Supervisor said she hadn't heard anything about Flasher returning, so it may not be happening-- or at least not as quickly as Flasher claims.

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Daughter suggested that since she got in trouble, I should cancel Nice Guy coming over for supper and a movie. I told her I wouldn't punish him, but there would be consequences. I gave Supervisor my email address, and I told Daughter I had given it to her. She wasn't pleased. She knows that the games will have to stop. It will be interesting to see what her next stunt will be.

The Question

Last month I decided that I was going to preach about Jesus turning the water into wine at the wedding in Cana this Sunday. I was going to preach about God's overflowing grace and goodness. Now I find the news dominated by pictures of suffering and devastation in Haiti. Where is God's overflowing grace and goodness in Haiti right now? How can I preach about that when we are inundated with images that seem to contradict it?

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I can only begin to imagine the suffering that is taking place there. Even as aid pours into the country, it is not getting to all the people who so desperately need it. Even as donations set records, there are people dying of dehydration because they don't have access to water. I can't preach about God's overflowing grace and goodness without addressing the suffering we are witnessing via the television and internet.

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Coming closer to home, how do I defend God's overflowing grace and goodness in the face of Daughter's suffering? She once asked me, "If God loves me, why did God allow me to be born into a family that was going to abuse me?" How do I defend God's grace and goodness to the people who have lost their jobs this week in the latest round of lay-offs by a major employer in Town?

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I have these lines I repeat: "God always wins." "God doesn't promise us protection from trouble but God's presence through our troubles." Yet to an individual who has lost their entire family in an earthquake, those words must sound empty. To someone who is in danger of losing their home, or is wondering how they are going to feed their family, those words aren't much help.

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Yet in spite of it all, I still believe in God's overwhelming grace and goodness. Even as we add one more diagnosis to Daughter's list of diagnoses, I still believe in God's overwhelming grace and goodness. Even as I watch the news stories from Haiti, I still believe in God's overwhelming grace and goodness. The question becomes, "How do I help my people believe in God's overwhelming grace and goodness in the midst of suffering and challenges?" Today I can't answer that question. It will be interesting to see where God leads me by Sunday morning.

A Different Kind of Phone Call

Daughter has been dragging in the morning, so I told her she had to go to bed early last night. She remembered, and got herself ready for bed early. This morning she was up and dressed before the alarm clock. She came in and woke me up. I spent the morning in the office, and around 11:00, my cell phone rang. I had a sinking feeling when I look down and saw that it was Daughter calling-- though at least she was using her cell phone, not calling me with help from one of the workshop phones.

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She called to tell me they didn't have work and she was bored! I thanked her for telling me she was bored instead of trying to convince me she was sick and dying. That was a first. Usually she calls with all kinds of weird symptoms in an attempt to get me to pick her up early (maybe after telling her no 1,562 times she knows that doesn't work). I asked her what she took to the workshop for entertainment. She told me she had some of her art supplies, so I reminded her that Therapist had asked her to draw a picture. She perked right up, "Oh, I forgot!"

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At that point the call dropped, but she didn't call me back. I'm very impressed. Today, there is hope.

Calls from the Workshop

I had two calls from the workshop today. Nurse called to tell me Daughter had pulled one of her unresponsive tricks and frightened the supervisors again. Endo sent back an order that if she has a grand mal seizure they are to call the squad immediately. We wanted a 5 minute waiting period because of her psychogenic seizures. I'll need to call him. Nurse will be gone next week, and so staff will have to call a squad if Daughter pulls this on them.

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Then Case Manager called with Daughter in her office. Daughter was upset about the possibility of a move, so of course she'd been talking to her supervisor and CM about it. If all of Tiny Village doesn't know I'm looking by tomorrow morning, it will be a miracle. Sigh. I reassured Daughter that we would be together and Cat and Kitten would be with us and the important things wouldn't change. I also told her about the call I'd received from Nurse. I told her she had to stop pulling this, and if she didn't, she wouldn't be able to go to the workshop. She didn't like that.

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To further complicate things, Flasher is supposed to start back at the workshop next week. Apparently NG has gone into protective mode and is ordering Daughter to stay away from Flasher. Daughter doesn't respond well to orders, so Daughter and NG are not currently speaking. I guess that means the wedding plans are off. The return of Flasher will be just one more trigger for her Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. We won't even talk about the issues that will be raised when we head out of her so I can go for an interview in a couple of weeks. I anticipate that the next few weeks will be challenging ones for Daughter.

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Daughter came home mad tonight. I had called her on her behavior in front of CM. I also told her she couldn't go to basketball skills tonight, because she had scared them at the workshop today. Then I sat down with her and acknowledged the stress, reassured her that the important things won't change, and promised that I would help her work through all of this. She is now asleep in the side chair in my study. I anticipate her sticking close to me for the next few weeks. Hopefully the cymbalta with its anti-anxiety properties will help her cope.

Opportunities

I had a phone interview last night. This morning I received a call that the committee wants to talk further. We are setting up a time for me to go visit with them, and they are checking my references. This position would put me closer to Sister and Brother, which is a good thing (most of the time). It would provide more opportunities for Daughter. It would put us back in a major metropolitan area, though one that has been very hard hit by the economy. It would provide me with new challenges.

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Today I'm finding it very hard to concentrate on the work I need to do here. I was very close to receiving a call several years ago, and then it fell through. So while I am closer to a move, I know there is no guarantee. Living in the uncertainty is a challenge. At times it feels like I'm living a lie-- because I have to continue making plans for here. I have two weddings lined up, yet I know that I may not be here to do either one of them. Yet I have to plan as though I will be here. We will be setting the calendar for the year at the board retreat Sunday afternoon. How many of those events will I attend?

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The uncertainty is especially hard on Daughter. I was surprised at how excited she was last night when she found out I had an interview with a church that would take us closer to family. She was delighted. Since she had been talking about marrying NG, I was expecting her to protest that she couldn't leave him and her other friends. She did mention it in passing a little later, but wasn't overly concerned about it, which is another indication of how unrealistic their plans are.

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I keep reminding Daughter (and myself) that God has placed us in two wonderful churches, and will do that again. I remind us that God's time is not our time, and that we must be patient and wait on God's time. That doesn't mean the waiting is easy, though. That doesn't mean that living in uncertainty is comfortable. It just means that I know this isn't forever.

Conversations

I picked up Daughter from the workshop for an appointment with Therapist. For the first time in several days, no one came out to tell me about health issues with her. She didn't call me all day, even when I was a few minutes late picking her up. I took these as signs of progress. As we were driving to Therapist's office, I asked about her day. She said she'd had some problems with tremors. I asked if she kept going in spite of them. She said she'd tried.

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I asked about Nice Guy. She told me that all he could talk about all day was when they get married next November (they started dating in November, so that meets my one year rule). She then began to talk about how she knew she had a lot to do before then to get ready for marriage, and she had it all figured out. She was going to have to figure out the washer and dryer. She wanted me to supervise her and double check her on managing her own pills and insulin. She thought we should set up a calendar and she could get a sticker on days she did these things properly. A sticker chart for marriage-- great idea. I sat there listening, afraid to respond. A couple of times she asked me what I thought, and I said, "I'm listening." Finally, I said, "Are you going to be ready to have sex in November?"

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"I'll have to think about that."

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"Sex is part of marriage."

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"What if NG doesn't want sex?"

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"He will."

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"How do you know?"
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"He's a man."

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She wanted me to stay with her as she talked to Therapist. She was subdued. I guess pointing out that sex is involved with marriage had taken the wind out of her sails. When she mentioned getting married in November, Therapist pointed out that whenever she starts talking about things too far in the future, she freaks out and does things to show us she's not ready, and that's why we were no longer talking about her living independently. She suggested to Daughter that she focus on the here and now, and enjoy the time she spends with NG now. Daughter acknowledged the wisdom of this, but was then silent, as she had planned to spend the session making the sticker chart and didn't know what to do now.

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I suggested she tell Therapist about Neuro. That led to the following conversation between Daughter and Therapist.

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"I hate him!"

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"Why do you hate him?"

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"He's the devil."

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"What makes him the devil?"

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"He figured me out."
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"What did he figure out?"

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"That I was faking the four seizures on Sunday."

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She later backtracked on her statement that she was faking the seizures. I don't think she was completely faking them, but I do think she was exaggerating them. I was amazed that she had understood his accusation, and that she was acknowledging the truth in it. Amazed. She was subdued on the way home, but once we got home, she asked for the chores she needed to accomplish and got busy. So we've short circuited her abuse of insulin, her skipping medication, locked up the knives, and called her on the seizures. All I have to do is wait for her next trick.

A Trip to the ER

Yesterday afternoon as we were driving to Town, Daughter had a seizure. With a digital clock in front of me, I timed things. It lasted 8 minutes, and then she was unconscious and unresponsive for another 12 minutes. I was headed to the local ER when she came around. She was fine while we went to the grocery store, and then, as we were headed home, she passed out. I called my co-youth group advisor and arranged to drop off the potatoes the kids were going to scrub for the potato supper and told her verbally what they needed to do for the prayer service they were to plan. Then I headed to the ER in City, having promised my sisters I would take her in if she had any more problems. She was unconscious for about 30 minutes, but came around as we got closer to the ER.

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The ER was busy, and when we finally saw the doctor and he called Neuro, Neuro said he was coming in. By then Daughter had been in the ER seizure free for about 6 hours, the longest she had gone yesterday. So, Neuro and I had a discussion in the hall. These are epileptic seizures she's having, and he pointed out a number of reasons why. I agreed with him. He thinks they are attention seeking, I think they may be Pseudoseizures. As I pointed out to him, she certainly falls into the group that is most prone to them. We have told her quite firmly that she isn't going to have any more seizures. I'm going to follow up with Psychiatrist and Therapist. I brought her home last night, though he was willing to admit her. We went into his office today. The challenge is going to be convincing the workshop not to feed into these.

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I have very mixed feelings about the whole situation. I can't say I'm surprised. It seems like the more I do to keep her safe from herself, the more creative she becomes in finding unhealthy ways to cope with stress. Since these are psychological, we decided I should take her back up on the cymbalta today, which I did. Neuro noticed she'd left her bracelets (ID and fall risk) from the hospital on, and told me to make sure I got rid of them as soon as we got home. I cut them off and they are now in my pocket, since he suggested I not put them where she could reclaim them.

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We didn't get home from the ER last night until after 11:00, so I am exhausted today. C came over and we were going to do some work. Instead I ended up offering her pastoral care. I knew she was hurting when I hired her, which was part of the reason I hired her. I figured it would give me a way to provide support and care to her. Anyway, as Daughter heard C crying, she went upstairs and got a prayer pillow someone had given her. She brought it down and gave it to C, telling her she thought she needed it more than Daughter did. C and I were both touched by Daughter's thoughtfulness. It almost made up for the stress she has caused me this past week. Almost.

Juggling

Some days I feel like I'm juggling, trying to keep up with my responsibilities as a pastor and my responsibilities as a Daughter. This morning's juggling was especially challenging. Before worship I was talking to some people when suddenly I was called to the other side of the church. Daughter wasn't responding. She was sitting there in the pew, blank. I finally got her to move a bit and saw a few words.

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Part way through the service I looked out and once again the woman sitting next to her is trying to get her to respond. I can see her left arm twitching. The woman looked up at me with a look of panic and shook her head. Two women were singing a duet, so I walked down to tend to Daughter. She still wasn't very with it when the music ended and I had to go up front. The woman with her escorted her out to the restroom, so I knew she was now capable of movement. Another woman got up and followed.

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While we were singing the hymn before the sermon, one of them came out to tell me Daughter was now talking and responding to them. I felt like a ten ton weight had been lifted from me. I made it through the rest of the worship service, but decided not to stay for Sunday School. No one was surprised, of course. There were expressions of concern from some of the members, and pointed silence from those who don't approve of the way I'm handling Daughter.

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One of the women escorted Daughter home after worship and stayed with her until I got here. She is now asleep with her head on my shoulder. I will let her sleep for a while, and then I will wake her up for lunch. We have to go to Town this afternoon. I need to get groceries and stuff for youth group tonight.

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Daughter has been doing so much sleeping during the day that she's not sleeping well at night. She's been raiding the kitchen, and her morning blood sugars have reflected it. I'm going to have to get a new door alarm for her. Now here's the terrible part. I find myself wondering if she was really having a seizure or she was just being dramatic to get attention. Sometimes I get tired of juggling.

More Positive

Daughter has been awake and moving around since about 4:00. That may not seem like much, but it is a big improvement. She continues to worry that she's about to have a seizure, but any seizure activity at this point is very mild. Do I think we're through with seizures? No. I hope, though, that she will continue to improve. Even though she's up and moving around, she's feeling pretty bad. All of this takes a toll on the body.

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I've gotten one major work thing accomplished this afternoon. I still need to finalize worship plans for tomorrow morning. I finally gave up on Daughter being able to empty the dishwasher and such, and I've done it. It's going to be a challenge trying to figure out how much I can expect from her right now. I will figure it out, though. She told me she didn't feel up to going to Town, so that tells me I'd best not expect very much from her today. She loves going to town. Maybe tomorrow.

Finding the Positive

Daughter slept until after 7:00 yesterday evening, and when she woke up, she had another mild seizure. This morning she was going into the kitchen to get her breakfast and I heard a thud. I called her, but she didn't answer. I went into the kitchen and found her kneeling on the floor, leaning against the dishwasher. I got her out into the living room and onto the couch, and she had another mild seizure.

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Sister is freaking out. I'm working very hard at finding the positive in all of this. New Neuro is much closer than the old one. These last few seizures have taken place at home. She hasn't fallen and injured herself. They are milder. I keep telling myself all of these things, and still I am concerned. The diabetes is somewhat under our control. Seizures are not. Daughter is very clingy and needy right now. I find myself getting ahead of myself. What if she has a seizure during worship tomorrow morning? Will I be able to get her to wake up to go over the church for youth group tomorrow evening? How am I going to do all the things I need to do for the church while tending to her needs?

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The seizures are milder. New Neuro is closer to us. I think I will make those my mantra today. Now I need to go write a sermon.

"I Feel So Guilty"

Today has been a lost day-- for both of us. It started out okay. I made a list of tasks for Daughter and sat down to work. A little after 11:00 I was talking to a friend on the phone and Daughter was sitting in a chair in my study. I heard her breathing change and I looked over to see that once again she was having a seizure. The good news is that it was shorter, and there was less time when she was unresponsive. I told her to go lay down on the couch to recover, and she was quickly out.

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A little after 2:00 I tried to wake her up. I shook her shoulder and called her name. No reaction whatsoever. Her eyes didn't move at all. A little after 3:00 I was finally able to get her to wake up (it wasn't easy) and eat lunch. Then she was out again. A little after 7:00, she woke up, and the first thing she did was apologize. She got up and moved around a bit, and then said, "I feel so guilty." I assured her she had nothing to feel guilty about. She wanted to be cooperative today. She wanted to do those jobs I'd outlined for her. She asked if I still wanted her to do them. I suggested she clean out the litter boxes and go get the mail. She thought she could handle those, and maybe tomorrow she can do the rest.

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I called Neuro's office. He said it could take a week to 10 days before the new medication begins to work. Right now, that sounds like a very long time. Very long....

Will They or Won't They?

One of the things that is frustrating about living here and very hard for Daughter is the way the schools and workshop handle weather issues. They are very cautious, which I appreciate. We have about 5 inches of blowing snow right now, and many open country roads. Last night they had all announced that there would be a delay this morning. That is good. It gives the crews more time to clear the roads, allows more traffic to run on them, and makes sure that buses and student drivers aren't out on the roads until it is daylight.

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The problem is that I could have told them last night that they would not be able to run the buses today. This morning when I got up and looked at the roads and saw the snow start back up, I knew that they would end up canceling. I'm sure that deep down they knew that, too. But they waited until it was almost time for the bus to come to cancel. Daughter was up, dressed, pills, breakfast and insulin taken, lunch packed and ready to walk out the door when they gave up and canceled. This has been an ongoing pattern since the first day we arrived here in Tiny Village.

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When Daughter was in 3rd or 4th grade schools were closed for the first two weeks of January because of weather. We kept getting freezing rain followed by snow, so we'd have mounds of snow with ice underneath. The county was shut down, and they were asking everyone to stay off the roads. It was a long two weeks. The worst day was the day the weather broke enough that they decided to have school, though on a 2 hour delay. Daughter was bundled up for the cold and on her way out the door when they canceled. I remember her tears of frustration that day. She has never handled unstructured time well, and she had 4 straight weeks of it that year. We couldn't even go to town for a break because the roads were so bad. If someone did have to go, they'd call around to see what people needed from the store. I had a neighbor bring us in milk and bread. I think that was the year I discovered what the 3 staples were when facing a snow emergency: milk, bread, and toilet paper.

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Daughter has gone back upstairs, and from the silence I would guess she has gone back to bed. I'm going to have to go get her moving. I have so much to do today. Her hospitalization threw me behind on everything. The visits won't get made this week, but I still have to have a sermon and do various other things in preparation for Sunday morning. I'm going to have to figure out a way to keep her busy and motivated today so that she doesn't sink into depression. It looks like it's going to be a fun day....

From the Hospital

So I formulated this wonderful plan. I talked to Psychiatrist's nurse. I talked to pharmacist. It made sense that Daughter was having seizures when the cymbalta peaked. It made sense to everyone that if we split the dose and gave half in the morning and half in the evening, the problem would be solved. It didn't make sense to Daughter, though. We were sitting at the church after supper talking when I realized she was having another seizure. Her arm and hand were shaking and she wasn't there. I kept calling her, but she couldn't respond or even move her head. Two seizures in six hours, this one extended. I arranged coverage of the rest of the evening's events, pulled the car around, loaded Daughter in (with some help) and headed to urgent care. We got to urgent care, and they called a squad. We got to the main hospital around 8:00, and by 10:30 she was admitted.

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The staff here on the neuroscience unit recognized and respected my expertise on Daughter. The nurse last night was struggling to figure out carbs on a bedtime snack, and someone told her to ask me. She came in and I told her the carb content of the food. She was impressed, and asked about my medical training. I told her I was an expert on Daughter. She charted that they should defer to me on all things diabetic. They tell me her blood sugar, show me her meal, and I tell them how much insulin she needs. Her blood sugars have been good. They allowed me to approve all her meds, and I alerted them to a change they hadn't been told of yet, allowing that change to happen this morning.

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Pharmacy questioned some of her meds and dosages, but finally got things straightened around. I explained that even in her abnormalities, Daughter isn't normal.

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EEG was normal. CT scan was normal. Daughter was not. She was unsteady on her feet, lethargic, sleeping through blood tests and just not doing well. Cymbalta was cut in half. Another anti-seizure medication was added. Around 1:o0 this afternoon, she perked up. We have been under a winter snow advisory all day, and the snow was really coming down. I decided to travel the 24 miles home and shower and get some things (like my computer). Nurse told me she was sure Neuro would keep Daughter one more night to see how she reacted to the medication.

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I returned, and was greeted by a different Daughter. She had been awake the whole time I was gone. She was perky, happy, excited about the flowers Far Away Sister and her family had sent her. Neuro called, heard how she was, and discussed discharge with the nurse. Then he called Daughter's room to get my opinion on it. I told him she was much improved, and I was now comfortable with it. So, she's gathering her stuff and the nurse is doing paperwork and we'll be out of here in an hour or so.

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I hope that she will do well now, and we have made it through this challenge. I think she will. I know I like Neuro, and am very grateful for the way he entered our lives at the right time. Sister said last night that she wished we lived closer. There was a message on the answering machine when I got home. I have a phone interview Tuesday night with a church within 10 miles of Sister and Brother. God is good, whether that call comes through or not. We will end up in the right place at the right time. If this post rambles and doesn't make sense, attribute it to the fact that I'm operating on about 4 hours of sleep. Exhaustion doesn't begin to describe what I'm feeling.... It will be good to sleep in my own bed with my cats at my feet tonight.

Another One

Actually, it's two another ones.... We've added another medication to Daughter's mix and she's had another seizure. This one was at the same time as she had it yesterday, so we (Far Away Sister, Psychiatrist's Nurse, and Pharmacist) are convinced it's the result of the cymbalta. I'm going to try splitting her dose-- half in the morning and half in the evening, to see if that will give her the benefit without the seizures.

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Tomorrow morning she has an EEG. At least it's not a sleep deprived one. She's so exhausted from the seizures that there is no way I'd be able to keep her awake all night. I picked her up after today's seizure and took her with me to my appointment with the orthopedic surgeon. She was too anxious to stay at the workshop-- especially since she knew I was going to be on the other side of City and wouldn't be able to get to her quickly. I'm having carpal tunnel surgery February 4. She has slept since I picked her up-- in the car, on my shoulder in the waiting room, in the car again, and now in the chair beside me in my study.

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One of the supervisors at the workshop told Daughter today that she scared her when she had the seizure. Now Daughter is feeling guilty. I assured her the seizures are not her fault. She liked the new neurologist, and he knows and works with the old neurologist who was 100 miles away. He added another medication to help control the seizures. It's one that supposedly doesn't cause drowsiness or dull her. I take her back to see him again in 8 weeks.

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Far Away Sister reminded me that Mom's seizure last February was the beginning of the end for her. I had forgotten that, but I had been thinking of John Travolta's son who died during a seizure. I am trying to remember how I can see God's hand at work in this. Because I liked this neurologist when I saw him in December about my carpal tunnel, I scheduled an appointment with him for Daughter. I hadn't even been thinking about changing neurologists for her. She had her first seizure in years the day before her appointment with him. Because of that timing, we are able to make quick adjustments to medication and hopefully get the seizures to stop. If God can take of the little things like the timing of seizures and doctor appointments, I don't need to worry about dire outcomes. I can be confident that we will get these seizures under control quickly and Daughter will be fine. I just need to remind myself of that occasionally.

If It's Not One Thing....

Daughter called about 12:45 today, sobbing. She was obviously very anxious. When I got her calmed down enough to explain the problem, she told me that she'd been sitting in the lunchroom, eating, when all of a sudden she had all these people hovering over her. It sounds like she had a seizure. It was not as bad as some of them have been, and I don't think she completely lost consciousness, but she suddenly started shaking all over. She is now tired and has sore muscles. She didn't chew up her tongue, though, so that is a plus.

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I was planning to pick her up within the hour to take her to see Therapist, so I offered reassurance and diversion-- telling her to go blow her nose and wash her face. By the time I got there, Daughter was sleeping and staff quickly came out to fill me in and seek my opinion. The more I hear about what happened, the more convinced I am that she is experiencing seizure activity again.

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Therapist agrees, and we discussed the choices we may be facing. The cymbalta has been a wonder drug for her. Once she got out of her lethargy and such from the seizure, she was the best Therapist has seen her in months. I just looked it up, and cymbalta has not been studied in people with seizure disorders, so caution is suggested in prescribing it for anyone with a history of seizures. So do we risk her having additional seizures? Do we try to medicate for possible seizures? Do we shift her to a different antidepressant/anti-anxiety medication? Do we try to get her back on the name brand of her seizure medication, since the tremors and such got much worse when we were forced to go with the generic? Why can't anything be easy with Daughter?

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If there is a bright spot in all of this, it is that tomorrow she has an appointment with the neurologist I saw last month. I liked him, and decided to see how he did with Daughter. He's 24 miles away, and her current neurologist is 100 miles away. It would be wonderful if we could shorten the mileage to one of her specialists. I hope he knows his stuff and is up to unraveling the mystery that is Daughter.

A Day Off

Monday is my day off, and today it has been a productive day. C came over this morning and we began work on my bedroom. We emptied my closet, and many clothes found their way into the donate bags. We finished with it and my armoire. Next week we'll tackle the dresser and under my bed.

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Far Away Sister and I had a long conversation. She was vacationing with her family, so we hadn't talked in over a week. I think she was glad to see her family return to work and school this morning.

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I made tamales. I thought they were lots of work when I worked on them with Dad and Brother. When I'm doing them alone, they are even more work. They are done-- on the stove steaming now. I pulled some chili out of the freezer, and we'll have tamales and chili for supper tonight. I didn't count how many I made, but it was enough to fill my large pasta pot. Munchkin Mom, I think you and DH have a great recipe for tamales!

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Sometime this afternoon I realized that I hadn't had a phone call from Daughter all day. She called about 3:00, once she was on the bus, to tell me the entire day had been good. When she got home, she had a plan for what chores she wanted to do this evening. She assigned herself more work than I would have, and is working quite diligently on them. She just brought two packages from the living room into my study. I gave her a hard time about dumping stuff in my study. She grinned and said, "Back to routine." Now she's taking great joy in bringing things in and placing them on my desk. It's nice to see her happy and productive.

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I hope my return to the office tomorrow is as productive as my day off has been. It's going to be a busy week, and it is good to be back in the routine.

I Forgot

I forgot that Daughter had bowling this afternoon. By the time I saw it on the calendar, it was too late to get her there. We'd been in town, she could have gone, I just forgot. Daughter hasn't realized it yet, and I'm grateful. I've taken advantage of being home this afternoon to defrost the freezer and steam some pork shoulder for tamales I plan to make this week.

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It will be so good to have that big yellow bus come and pick her up tomorrow morning. I am so ready to get back into our normal routine. It is going to be a busy week, with lots of catching up to do. I also have multiple evening commitments.

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The church treasurer is getting over a cold. She commented on how I hadn't had a cold this Christmas. I told her I'd been thinking about that, and am very grateful. In the past, I've gotten sick twice a year: Christmas and Easter. The stress takes a toll, and my body protests. I told her that I think it is because I'm no longer dealing with the stress of aging parents who live 150 miles away. That sounds terrible. I miss them. I was thinking about Dad today as I started cooking the pork. He was the one who taught me how to make tamales. Brother tried to figure out his recipe one year--and gave up. Dad never used recipes. I cheated, and bought a kit. I'm not following the directions exactly, though. I am my father's daughter, after all. Dad would be delighted to know I was steaming a pork shoulder (he said that was the best way to cook certain cuts of meat) in preparation for making tamales. If they turn out, I'll take a few to Brother. He's been bugging me to make some with him the last few years at Christmas time, but it's just been too chaotic. If these go well, maybe I'll have him come down some weekend and we'll have a tamale making marathon. He'd like that. So would Dad.

Hey!

We spent this morning working with C to get all the Christmas decorations down and put away. When we finished, I reheated some left-overs for lunch. Daughter came in to get her insulin. She started to walk away, and then she turned around and said, "Hey! I've noticed two things. I'm not crying about Grandma and Grandpa anymore. I'm having good dreams about them. I'm being more cooperative, too."

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She is right. She is doing much better. It's nice to have her on a more even keel. She has even handled these last few days of unstructured vacation time well. I haven't heard her whine once about needing to be back at the workshop now and hating vacation. She initiated a movie with NG on Thursday, and had a good time. She'd been doing everything she could to avoid him. She's beginning to take some initiative in keeping the house clean, too.

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Of course, she's still not perfect. Yesterday evening I went up and confiscated a package of crackers she'd hidden in her room. I know that cymbalta won't be a cure all that will solve all her problems. But if she's not crying and clinging to me, it will be much easier to deal with the problems that still exist. So far 2010 is looking much better than 2009.

A New Year

I have to admit, I am glad to leave 2009 behind. It was a painful year in very many ways. I discovered the betrayal of Unauthorized Borrower. Both of my parents died. Daughter was hospitalized twice, and I now must keep all medications locked up. I have to supervise her insulin.

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But through that, there have been good things. These struggles have brought me much closer to Far Away Sister. For the first time in my life, I am not stressed about finances. Without the stress of dealing with my aging parents, I have been able to focus on bringing order to the chaos of my home, and have had the money to hire someone to help me do it. The stress of the last year has resulted in increased patience, a better perspective on priorities, and a deeper faith. I have learned to let go of things. I am more at peace.

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As I look forward to 2010, it is with excitement. I find myself wondering if this is the year that God will call me to a new ministry. I look forward to new opportunities. A young woman in the congregation has gotten a job that will have her working on Sunday mornings. She's asked me to provide her with Scripture and reflections to enable her to continue to grow spiritually when she can't get to worship. I find myself wondering what new ways I might find to provide her with that, and if it is a call to provide it for others, as well.

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With increased energy, I intend to continue the changes I have been making toward a healthier lifestyle for both Daughter and me. I intend to be more active physically, and to continue to improve our diet. I have been doing more cooking and relying less on convenience food, and that is a trend I want to continue and strengthen. I am enjoying have a clean and organized home and office, and want to continue and strengthen that. I also want to continue to let go of things. The year stretches out before me, full of opportunity and promise. I am excited to see where it may lead. May 2010 bring blessings to all of us as God leads us in new and exciting directions.