It was time for a new strategy. Daughter was getting to me. I'm determined not to let her drag me down. So, I decided I would see if I could be more passive aggressive than she is. I really am having a good time with it. I'm doing all the laundry, with the exception of her linens. I did ask her quite sweetly if she needed the washing machine for her linens. She declined. I made some discoveries as I was doing laundry. Last night she said, "Don't worry, Mom, I'm cleaning the lint filter." I have carefully explained to her on numerous occasions the importance of cleaning the lint filter to prevent fires. Of course, when I cleaned it today, I found several days worth of red lint from her sheets.
I hung up all her clothes and took them into her bedroom and began hanging them up in her closet. I discovered that she hasn't stopped hiding clothes she doesn't want to deal with on the floor of her closet, she has just been hiding them further back. I carefully hung them all up as she watched and fumed, telling me to leave them alone. I apologized for expecting too much of her and assured her I wouldn't ask her to take care of her own clothes in the future. I told her while I was in there I might as well collect all the empty hangers, since she has so much trouble finding them when I need them.
I have apologized numerous times for doing things that might distress her. I've sweetly asked her not to swear at me, since I don't swear at her because I know how much it scares her. I've patiently made her lunch, and asked if she needed me to clean out the cat boxes for her. I've cleaned both of the bathrooms. When I found mud all over the floors I'd just cleaned, I asked if she had mud on her shoes. "A little."
"Oh, okay. That's why there's mud all over the floor. That's okay, I'll just get the vacuum cleaner back out."
She has expressed frustration, but has not lifted a finger to help. Her room is still a disaster. I told her that was okay, I knew I'd been asking too much when I asked her to take her dirty clothes all the way to the hamper. She hates it. For today, I'm enjoying annoying her. Will it make any difference? Probably not, but at least for today I'm enjoying being the one who is doing the annoying rather than being annoyed.