Thursday, April 14, 2011


This afternoon I noticed that Daughter's Program Coordinator had sent me a text this morning. "We think we've located Daughter's brother. I went him a message telling him to contact me." I could feel my heart begin to race. I sent back a text telling PC that this was bad, very bad. Then I told Administrative Assistant, ending with, "Happy Holy Week. I need chocolate." I found some chocolate chip cookies in the kitchen.

The last contact with birth family was 4 years ago and led to 3 psych hospitalizations over a very short period of time. Since then, any discussion of birth family has led to psychotic episodes.

Apparently, Daughter told PC that we had been trying to locate Birth Brother. PC helpfully went on to Facebook and quickly found BB, sending off the message. She decided to give me a heads up, but thought I had been working with Daughter on this.

PC left for a meeting, and Daughter's group headed to the library. Daughter took advantage of the computers in the library to look up BB on Facebook. She entered his phone number into her phone, and called him. He answered. She told Staff he called her.

She called me, "Guess what! BB found me!"

"Would you like to rephrase that?"

"BB found me!"

"I talked to PC."

"Okay, I found him with PC's help."

She has no informed me that we aren't family and she needs to change her last name. I need more chocolate. I'm trying to be optimistic and think this might lead to some healing. It's hard to be optimistic, though, knowing what I know of BB. He has a girl with his second wife that he named after Daughter. Birth Mother told Daughter that BB's girl was just like Daughter. For months Daughter was trying to figure out how to get across the country to rescue BB's girl, because she wasn't safe. I finally told her that BB's girl didn't look like her, and that her mom had been smart enough to divorce BB, so I was confident she could keep her safe. BB is a charmer, a thief, a liar, and while Daughter claims he kept her safe, she has several times expressed deep concerns about the safety of young girls around him. I take that gut fear of hers seriously.

If she has been actively thinking about him and searching for him, it could explain many of her recent behaviors. Unfortunately, I don't see how contact with him is going to improve things. This Sunday is the 16th anniversary of our adoption. Right now it sounds like she isn't celebrating that. I hope I still want to celebrate come Sunday.


maeve said...

Needless to say the PC should have contacted you before she went off on her 'search'. So, now PC is in my "rescue" column. Rescue people hurt our kids because they believe them and think they are better at parenting them

OK, end of speech.

A few months ago when Miss K told me that she wanted to move out to "take care of" her bio mom I told her that I was her legal mom and couldn't let her do that because her mom wasn't safe. I wish that would work for you, but it might not.

My word for the year is YIKES. Keep us posted. You have years and years of motherhood with her. I think your investment will be more important to her than her curiosity about BB and family.

Reverend Mom said...

YIKES is a good word. Fortunately, Daughter has recognized that this was not a good idea. She's sucking up now.

Kristin said...

Maybe the sucking up will lead to less testing behaviors? I'd like to be optimistic, but I'm just not. :(

May this crap pass quickly.

Reverend Mom said...

Thanks, Kristin. For now, things are good. I'm sure there will be problems as she sorts out this new connection, but for now, things are good.