1.6 Miles

Daughter needed a blood draw this morning. We had been going to the lab behind her doctor's office, which is across town. That lab doesn't take Daughter's medicaid plan, so today I had to find a new lab. I found one just 1.6 miles from our house. The blood draw was a fasting one, so we went from there to the diner across the street for breakfast. It added less than half a mile to my commute to church. To go to the closest lab and get breakfast in Tiny Village was a minimum of 22 miles round trip. I was anticipating being very late this morning, especially since I overslept. Daughter was on time for her program. I was here well before Administrative Assistant. I like being back in civilization.

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We are dealing with the kitchen locks so that we can keep them locked and prevent Daughter from sneaking off to get food. She has become quite adept at escaping staff to get at food. The program coordinator is going to consider legitimate careers where her skills in this area would be an asset. Got to put a positive spin on things!

Spiritual Growth

One of the priorities that was stated when I came here was for spiritual growth. We've been doing a study on Wednesdays during Lent. At times it has been discouraging, as I'm not sure how much they're getting out of it. Tonight attendance was down, and it was discouraging to think I was losing the group. Then two of the women talked about making use of the breath prayers we had discussed last week, and how they had helped them through some challenges. Then one of the men talked about how he'd gotten a flat tire on a particularly busy section of the interstate on Saturday. He was being quite descriptive as he told us of the challenges. Then he told us what happened when the tire was fixed and back on the car. "(Wife) said to me, 'You stayed calm.' Something like this used to cause me to get so frustrated I'd explode. I didn't this time. I stayed calm. I've been doing some of the things we've talked about. It's making a difference." That's what I call spiritual growth. I guess I won't worry about the lower number tonight.

An Example of Ministry Frustration

Monday night we had a board meeting. It was an excellent meeting, and we made plans totally change the way we run our meetings. I was really pleased with the plans we made and am excited about the focus of our future meetings.

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Under new business an issue was raised that demonstrates some of the frustrations I mentioned here. First, some background. We have "singspiration" toward the beginning of each worship service. A song leader gets up and leads two contemporary praise songs. A couple of months ago, there were complaints that we weren't singing the right songs. I asked what was wanted. Recognizing my repertoire of contemporary praise music is limited, Administrative Assistant and I began selecting them together, looking for music that fit the theme of each week's worship. Many of the songs we've sung recently are new to me.

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Monday night a concern about singspiration was raised. There are complaints about the music we're singing. It's not contemporary praise music. Someone else immediately chimed in to say she didn't like the songs we were singing because they were too repetitive (that's part of what makes it contemporary praise music). So I now have a complaint that it isn't praise music and a complaint that it is. I can deal with this.

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I asked two questions: What songs have we sung that you didn't like? What songs do you want to sing? No one named a single song in response to either question. I asked that a list of song requests be given to me. Do I expect to get it? No. I will continue to ask for it, though. So what will I do? I will continue to look for contemporary praise songs that go with the theme of the service. I will continue to choose more general, well-loved praise songs when I can't find something specific to the theme. I will give the singspiration leaders a short introduction to the songs. For example, this Sunday the focus is on the man born blind. We will sing two songs that talk about opening eyes. The intro will talk about how we all have blind spots, and all need to ask God to help us see better. This will be an ongoing issue, and it's not one that can be solved. I will hear the complaints, invite constructive action, and continue to choose the music for worship with integrity. I won't stress out over it. That ability not to stress out about it comes from years of experience. When I was younger, it was much harder.

She Escaped!

Daughter was at her manipulative best with her program today. She didn't feel good and couldn't exercise. A staff member called and asked me what they should do. After making sure her blood sugar was okay, I told Staff to tell Daughter she was sorry she didn't feel good and she was to do the activity. The report I got was that she did and played hard. When they got back to the church, she escaped and was discovered in the kitchen eating a cookie. One of the saints was supposed to take care of getting the locks re keyed on the kitchen so that the exterior door key (which program coordinator has) would also work on the kitchen. He hasn't done that yet, so I went out and made copies of the current kitchen key this evening.

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After escaping, she told staff that she was feeling bad and was beginning to get confused. Program coordinator came up to check with me. I assured her Daughter was manipulating. When we left the church we had to run several errands. Daughter tried to convince me I needed to take her to a restaurant for a sit down meal. I reminded her that various circumstances had resulted in us eating out the last 3 nights, and we were eating at home this evening. She wasn't happy.

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I came home and cooked while she napped. After supper she wanted to walk to the mall and have some fun. I told her she needed to contribute to the family, and gave her several options for chores. She was furious. She refused to do any chores because she didn't feel good. She slammed her bedroom door a couple of times (one more time and I would have removed it). I ignored it. When she couldn't pick a fight with me, she came out and put away some clean laundry and ran the vacuum.

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Now I need to get all the things I didn't get done at the office today due to interruptions... oops, I mean ministry opportunities....

Birthday Party

We're having a family gathering for Daughter's birthday this Sunday. Yesterday evening Daughter suddenly became very negative. I'm not sure what set her off. She has informed me that she doesn't want anyone coming to the house Sunday. She doesn't want to live near family anymore. If they come, she'll leave. I told her they were coming, and if she didn't like it, she was free to hide in her bedroom.

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I anticipate that she will change her mind about the party several more times before it actually gets here. This will be the first time she's had a family birthday party. We've combined it with our celebration of Easter several times when we managed to get together for Easter (which wasn't very often-- I work on Easter), and I'm pondering if the idea of a party for her is too overwhelming.

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It's never easy to figure things out with Daughter, and never will be.

Connections

Shortly after I began my planned work for this morning, I was given opportunities to do ministry-- three men stopped by. One came in to chat about the legal aftermath of a family death. Two stopped by to report they had fixed the lock Daughter broke on the guest room door. One of the men referred me to this video. It's one of his all time favorite songs, and the proclamation yesterday was on this story. He told me about the song after worship, but I wasn't familiar with it, which is rather surprising as I love Peter, Paul and Mary and have attended several of their concerts. I love it when people make these kind of connections, and even more when they share them with me.

Ministry Is Hard

Yesterday Brother, Sister-in-law and I were talking about their pastor, who recently resigned effective immediately. The reason for his resignation was unclear, since he is now unemployed and his plans are very vague. He has removed his facebook page and cut off contact with everyone from the church. Of course, speculation is rampant. What is known is that he has a drinking problem. He has gone to AA at various points, but is currently drinking (he was recently spotted in a bar by a member). He is also very far away from family support. He is divorced. He is currently without a driver's license.

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Daughter was listening to the discussion, and brought it up this morning. It bothered her. She thought he was a good guy. She liked him. She is confused. We talked about how he made poor choices. We talked about how God still loved him. I don't know whether the conversation helped or not.

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The reality is that ministry is hard. Without a strong spiritual life, it is impossible to keep going long-term. Even with a strong spiritual life, there are times when it is overwhelming. I don't know what happened with Brother's pastor. I won't speculate about what happened with him. I will write in generalities, though.

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I once heard ministry described as like being a stray dog at a whistler's convention. That certainly describes part of the problem. It is impossible to do everything that the congregation would like to have done, especially if you are the only ministry staff in a particular congregation. Prioritizing work becomes key. The thing is, a pastor can have a carefully laid out plan for the priorities for the week and how to get everything done, and a single phone call can destroy the entire plan. My goal is for us always to be far enough ahead on work in the office that we can handle a funeral or other emergency. But even planning for the disruptions isn't enough. I once heard of a young pastor who complained that he couldn't get any ministry done because of the constant interruptions. A wiser, older pastor informed him that the interruptions were his ministry.

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Last week I was struggling to prepare for an event that was taking place in a few hours. Technology wasn't cooperating at all (to the point that eventually we did some of it on the office computer because mine refused to do what I was telling it to do-- the same commands on the same software worked on the office computer). A member came into my office. She was having what most would describe as minor surgery in a few hours. She was extremely concerned about the surgery. She had been doing research and reading worst case scenarios. So I listened, reassured, and prayed with her. I hope my impatience didn't show through. Fortunately, the event for which I had been preparing was with a forgiving group, because I wasn't as organized and prepared as I would have liked to be.

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The things on my to do list exceed the available hours in my work week. Each day I make difficult decisions about what will get my attention. Much of my ministry is dependent on the cooperation of volunteers. Some volunteers are not very dependable. Members have different priorities for my time and energy, and only a little bit of knowledge about all the demands on my time and energy. Much of what I do is confidential, so they can't know all the demands upon my time. They aren't going to know about the hours I spend with various hurting individuals. They don't know how a planning meeting turns into a counseling session. What they do know is that I haven't given their top priority enough attention. They have no idea why, they just know it's not done in the time or way they'd like.

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I just spent 20 minutes talking to a man who stopped by to pick up a key. He just visited a good friend who is putting his affairs in order as he prepares for death. He is disturbed by the way the friend has failed, and remembers how he was over 50 years ago. The man never took off his jacket or sat down, so I suspect as far as he's concerned, all he did was pick up a key.

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I told Administrative Assistant Thursday that a top priority for Tuesday is sitting down and mapping out/prioritizing work for the week ahead (Monday is her day off). I have a board meeting tonight. I need to spend a little bit of time praying and prioritizing our work this evening. Daughter has an appointment with her therapist at 4:00 today, so I will be rushing before the meeting, and need to finish my prep earlier. I'll take some work with me to do while she's in her appointment, but I need to think carefully about what I take, as often I run into people and end up talking, not working. But those conversations are important, too. The daughter of a member works in that building. Occasionally I run into someone connected with Daughter's care.

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I've been doing this for over 25 years, so the juggling has gotten easier. Brother's pastor was young, in his first call. He was serving a challenging church. He had struggles in his personal life. He was far away from family and friends. I think an important ministry for our regional bodies is providing support systems for pastors. I'm fortunate to be a part of a wonderful group of colleagues that gathers monthly here. We talk, we pray, we share programs. Unfortunately, we can't make participation in those types of groups mandatory.

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I could write much more, but now the priority is to begin to map out the work for this week and get some things done. I need to take advantage of the time between interruptions (ministry) to get planning and preparation done. Hopefully today will provide plenty of time for that. If not, I'll do what's most important and figure out the rest later. After more than 25 years, I'm beginning to get more comfortable with figuring it out later. I doubt Brother's pastor had that opportunity.

Baby Nephew

Daughter and I made the pilgrimage to meet Baby Nephew after church today. Of course he is amazing and wonderful. He is a very easy going and cuddly. We were there 3 hours, and he didn't really cry the entire time. Daughter was enthralled, of course. The picture is Daughter with her new cousin.

The Best Birthday Ever in a Number of Years

Daughter thanked me for giving her her "best birthday ever in a number of years." I was surprised, and asked her what made it good. "Just hanging with you."

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I felt a little guilty, that I don't spend more time hanging with her. She had not been happy that I had a wedding scheduled on her birthday, so I was pleasantly surprised that she liked her birthday. I made jiffy blueberry muffins for breakfast, and let her sleep in. I played her karaoke game with her, and gave her a few hints on it. I made the time at the wedding brief, and then we headed to a fabric store. I am going to attempt to duplicate an outfit Brother had as a toddler and absolutely loved for Baby Nephew. When Mom tried to donate the outfit, Brother kept taking it out of the bag. He wasn't even 2 years old yet. He has a picture of himself in that outfit posted on his facebook page. So, I bought some fabric today for that, and then allowed Daughter to pick out fabric for a new skirt and blouse for Easter. We went to a steak house for supper, and Daughter ordered a low carb dinner so she could have dessert to celebrate her birthday. From there we stopped at the grocery store, and then came home, and I got busy in the kitchen.

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We may go meet Baby Nephew tomorrow. Daughter seems to be over her cold. I'm making some corned beef and cabbage to take to them. I'm also making a broccoli salad for the dinner after church tomorrow. I'm still not sure about the afternoon. I may be getting Daughter's cold, and we both have to be very healthy before we'll go meet Baby Nephew. He outgrew newborn diapers by the time he was 5 days old. I want to meet him before he gets too big!

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If we don't get down there tomorrow, they may come here next Sunday. Family is gathering to celebrate Daughter's birthday. We waited a week so Short Niece could be with us (she's with her dad this weekend). I'm off to bed-- early for me on a Saturday night. It's nice having the sermons done in advance. It certainly makes the weekends more enjoyable.

Happy Birthday!

Today is Daughter's 24th birthday. We will celebrate by going out to eat after the wedding this afternoon. She seems to be feeling a bit better today, though she was rather unpleasant when I told her I needed to wash her hair. I responded to her protest by informing her one of us would do it today. She chose to let me do it. She's singing now, so that's a good sign. Her hair is clean, but I need to comb it out and style it a bit.

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It is still extremely cold. It's hard to believe it's spring. At least the sun is shining. The wedding today is in a facility located in a beautiful, natural setting. I'm sure they'll want to take some pictures outdoors. They'll have to do it quickly or they'll all be frozen.

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I bought Daughter a karaoke game for the wii. I had originally ordered it for Christmas, but decided to save it for her birthday after I purchased another game. It was in my office, still in the shipping box. She knew it was a birthday present, and when she was alone in my office a couple of weeks ago, she opened it. I simply said, "Well, you kind of spoiled the surprise, didn't you?" She's frustrated there is nothing to open. I probably would have bought her something more if she hadn't opened the gift early. She'll still get dinner out at a very nice restaurant, and I'll probably get her some new clothes in the next few weeks.

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It's hard to believe she's 24. She's been with me 21 years, and next month we'll celebrate the 16th anniversary of her adoption. I never thought she'd need this much supervision at this age. It's a good thing I didn't know what I was getting into.

Missing Tiny Village and Vacation

We watched an old movie tonight. It was set in the country from which the settlers of Tiny Village came. It featured some of the old songs that were so much a part of life in Tiny Village. The music was wonderful, and I found myself missing it.

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I've been pondering vacation possibilities today. Daughter continues to wet the bed every night, which really makes traveling a challenge. As I was pondering possibilities today, I decided that maybe I'll take vacation here at home. I couldn't stay home on vacation in Tiny Village, as I lived right next door to the church. The two mile separation I have here makes it possible to stay here. There are plenty of things we can do in the area, including some nature areas. We could be home to sleep in our own beds at night. It would be cheaper. We will still go to the conference we attend each year, and we will also go on a mission trip with the church. Those are back to back. I think I'll ask for two or three weeks of vacation around those.

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Daughter seems to be a little better today, but I don't anticipate being able to go meet Baby Nephew Sunday as I had hoped. We did Skype with him tonight, which was nice.

Winter, Again

We've had a return to winter here in Capital. We spent yesterday under a winter storm warning, though fortunately, we didn't get all the ice they were predicting. The worst part of the ice was actually in the evening when I left the Lenten program. These programs are well received, but are taking a great deal of my time. This morning, the roads were icy. I was slower heading into the church, hoping they would be better, but I slid through one intersection. I'm ready for spring.

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Daughter has a cold. She slept from the time we got home until bedtime. I think she'll be home with me tomorrow. She'll have to go with me to a wedding rehearsal tomorrow evening and a wedding Saturday. I doubt we'll be able to go meet Baby Nephew on Sunday. They got home from the hospital today, and are doing well. Daughter turns 24 on Saturday. I'll take her out to eat right after the wedding, provided she's up to it. We didn't go back to the church for choir tonight. Daughter wouldn't have been able to sing, and I decided I would take advantage of the opportunity to enjoy an evening home in the middle of a busy week.

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Hurry up, spring.

Respite

Yesterday evening Daughter spent about 90 minutes at a supported living facility that offers respite. It was to get her comfortable with this resource that will allow me to have some breaks. She loved it! When she came out, she informed me she had to go back, because she was helping to design the t-shirt for a fund-raiser they will have have this summer. She was quite pleased.

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When we got home, she tried to break into the guest room, where I had locked up the girl scout cookies that were delivered yesterday. She didn't get in, but she did mess up the lock. I'm probably going to have to call a locksmith to get back in. She's also coughing and stuffed up, so I don't know that I'll get to meet my nephew this weekend.

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Yes, I'm frustrated with her. I will be taking advantage of that respite. To add to my joy, we are under a winter storm warning. Ice and snow. It's been a long winter. I can't complain too much, though, because weather cooperating, I will get to lead a study at lunch time and this evening. I love teaching and leading discussions. Love it.

New Life

Yesterday evening my sister-in-law gave birth to a healthy baby boy. This is Brother's first child. Dad went by his middle name, using just the initial of his first name. Brother was given a name that would repeat the first initial and the same middle name. Brother continued this tradition with his son. I find myself thinking about Mom and Dad a lot yesterday and today. How much they would have enjoyed holding their grandson. How proud Dad would have been to see the tradition continue. Daughter was talking about my parents, too. I think they are on all our minds as we celebrate this new life in the family.

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If Daughter is healthy, we will make the pilgrimage to see this new family member Sunday afternoon. I look forward to meeting him. He will begin his life in the same home where my parents raised all of us. He will be surrounded with love, just like all of us were. There will always be new life.

Calendar

I printed out the calendar for the week this morning to plan menu and chores. I knew it was going to be a busy week, but I didn't realize how busy until it was there in black and white in front of me. We will be away from home every evening this week. I will only be cooking 2-3 evenings, depending on what I decide to do after the wedding rehearsal on Friday. I also have two luncheons this week. Fortunately, Daughter is in a much more cooperative mood these days. I placed the calendar in front of her and asked her to add her chores. She looked at it and said, "I don't know what to do, there isn't any time this week." I cut back on the chores and helped her schedule them in, and she was quite agreeable.

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She was up this morning without me saying anything. I turned on the light, then pulled the covers off a few minutes later. We were out of the house by 7:00. We will head out at about 3:00 to go home. She'll clean the big bathroom while I cook supper. Then I'll drop her off with some of the saints and come back to the church for meetings. I have two at the same time, so I'll skip the finance meeting. I've yet to figure out how to be in two places at once.

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Daughter's birthday is Saturday, so we will leave the wedding to go the fancy Italian place she requested some time back for her birthday dinner. We will celebrate with family on April 3rd. She will be 24 years old. At least physically she will be. She asked me to do her hair this morning, which I did. She's gone back to having me braid it because it's easier and doesn't get tangled. As I was braiding it this morning I was pondering her desire to live independently. I am never certain what is can't and what is won't with her, but the reality is that currently she needs my help to manage her hair, not to mention her diet and health. Tomorrow I am taking her to a supported living facility for supper. We are considering using them for respite. She wouldn't meet their criteria to live there, but it might work for respite. I hope it will work for respite. I really do want to figure something out so that I will have the freedom to go to conferences. There are several I'd like to attend, probably not this year, but possibly the following year. In order to do that, I have to have a safe place for Daughter to stay while I'm away.

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It's going to be a busy week, but if Daughter remains as cooperative as she is today, it will be a good one.

Lying

I keep forgetting. Daughter lies. Daughter doesn't learn. So it was that yesterday I realized that she had been lying to me all those days about not being constipated. Of course, by the time I realized she was lying, she was so plugged up she was vomiting. A suppository solved the problem. She was up multiple times through the night, which meant that she didn't wet the bed.

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I really thought that after she was so miserable last time she had learned. I knew she was drinking more water. I thought she was continuing to drink her miralax. She told me she was. She told me everything was fine. Once again I believed her. I really don't want to have to start demanding to see evidence when she insists she's not constipated, but I may have to. I get very tired of the lying. Very tired.

Cooperation

Daughter was wonderfully cooperative yesterday. We had a wonderful evening with good food and good company. As promised, today I will take Daughter to see a movie. I'm not sure what we'll see yet, but it will be one of the animated movies that are currently showing.

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It was interesting, because throughout the day Daughter kept saying, "It feels so good to have my bedroom clean." "I like having a clean bedroom." She was so pleased with herself and so happy to have a bedroom she was proud of. I kept acknowledging how nice it was, and suggesting it would be good to keep it clean. Will she follow through and do that? I can hope, but I'm not going to hold my breath waiting. I do know the feeling, though. I'm delighted to have the kitchen really clean again.

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Daughter was also delighted to see the crocuses in bloom. She's excited about discovering what flowers we have in our yard. She really was delightful yesterday. She played wii with Sister Best Friend's Husband, and they provided entertainment for all of us. It's days like yesterday when I see her potential and what could be that keep me going through the more challenging days. I hope that today will be another good day.

Fridays

Today I don't plan to go near the church. Last week I was there long enough to drop Daughter off in the morning and pick up a couple of things. Today her program is closed, so there's no reason to even stop by. Every thing is ready for Sunday, so I hope to get two complete days off this week. I recognize that I need to be more intentional about taking this time for me.

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Tonight Sister Best Friend and her family are coming for supper. I'm looking forward to seeing them and to spending time in the kitchen today preparing. I've promised Daughter a movie tomorrow if she's cooperative today. She's excited about company, so I think she'll cooperate. At least, that was her intention yesterday. I haven't awakened her yet this morning. I'm enjoying the peace and quiet. Actually, the peace and quiet just ended. She has emerged. She is dressed and very chipper. She claims she showered. I'll check to verify that, of course.

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Have I mentioned recently how much I like my life here in Capital? I hope to spend a bit of time outside today. It won't be as warm as it was yesterday, but I'd still like to do some clean up in the yard if I have time. Actually, I may make time for that!

Spring!

It got up over 65 here today, and I have three little crocuses in bloom in my back yard. I still have snow drifts in my front yard, but they are definitely getting smaller. It was sunny today, but tonight we are supposed to be getting some thunder storms.

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In other signs of spring, a very big, fat skunk chased one of the staff members in Daughter's program into the church today. We suspect she is very pregnant and has built a nest under the new storage building behind the church. The property chairman just returned from a tropical vacation, so we called him and welcomed him home with the story of the skunk. I think he may be headed back south....

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The geese are passing through. One was perched on the peak of the church outside my office window last week raising quite a racket. I've heard reports of robins, but I've yet to see one. There are ducks back in the pond between the church and home.

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I'm looking forward to doing my walking outside and exploring the parks in the area. I understand there are some nice ones. There is a walk along the river that is supposed to be nice. I'll have to figure out a way to bribe Daughter to get her to cooperate. Maybe I'll just do my exploring on Fridays, when I'm off and she is at her program....

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Daughter has begun wetting herself during the day. Part of it is laziness and waiting too long. Part of it is attention seeking. Part of it is that staff is making her drink more water, and she's not used to having to go to the bathroom that often. Next week I'm going to suggest they start reminding her to go the bathroom every hour or so.

The Value of a Team and of Sleep

In this state Daughter's program and mental health treatment all come from the same agency. When Daughter saw her Therapist yesterday, she was making all sorts of wild allegations about what is going on in her program. The Therapist emailed the Program Coordinator today, concerned about what she had heard. Program Coordinator was able to respond and assure her that the allegations are not true, and that Daughter is unreliable in her reporting. Daughter has a team working for her now, and the team communicates with one another. It short circuits many of her games. It's going to frustrate her, but maybe she will begin to be a bit more reliable.

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We had a supper and Lenten study at the church tonight. She informed me she was too upset to eat because she was worrying about the impending birth of a new cousin. I told her to cut the drama and go get some food. She wasn't able to successfully hook anyone into her drama, so she went and got some food.

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After several nights of good (and longer) sleep, I am feeling much better. I am thinking that tomorrow morning I will resume walking. I also think I might be able to walk outside. The temperature was almost 60 today, and it's supposed to be even warmer tomorrow. Spring is coming!

Grumpy Old Men

We have several men who have been with this church since the first day. They served on both of the building committees, and take great pride in the building. They know it inside and out, and they really have a sense of ownership over it. Two of these men are getting rather grumpy and rigid. Another member of the church is getting rather frustrated with them. I look at them and know that due to health problems in their families, their lives are spinning out of control. They need to be able to control something, and since they can't control the health of family members, they are looking to control what goes on at the church. I explained this to the frustrated member. He understands, and has decided to limit his contact with the two of them for the sake of his own frustration level. That's fine with me. Change is always hard, and this congregation has done quite well with it. We are moving forward, and they will come along or get out of the way.

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Daughter is much happier these days. She is a little more cooperative. I don't know if that means she's settling in, or that winter is ending, or what. I'm going to enjoy it, not analyze it.

She's Back!

Administrative Assistant was back in the office today. Have I mentioned that I missed her last week? I did. I appreciate all she does much more now. I took her a diagram in a book, and she recreated it on the computer for me for the classes I'm leading tomorrow. I went in late again this morning. The extra sleep helps, but by afternoon I was exhausted. I'm trying to cut back and pace myself, but there's much to be done and it's hard.

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I talked to Brother yesterday and again today. Their pastor resigned unexpectedly and effective immediately last week. Brother is on the board, and the church is struggling right now with a great deal of anger and confusion. It's a difficult situation. It's not easy being in ministry. He was a single man a long way from family, and he struggled. In the midst of those struggles, he didn't always make the best or healthiest choices. I hope and pray both he and the church will find some peace.

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Daughter is happier these days. She's not necessarily more cooperative, but she's definitely happier. I'm grateful for happy.

An Evening Off

I'm supposed to be at a committee meeting this evening. When I talked to the chair about agenda for tonight, I asked if he needed me there. He informed me I needed to take care of myself and to take the evening off, so I'm doing just that. Daughter had an appointment across town for a medical test, so I took her to that, then we grabbed a bit to eat and came home. I'm struggling to keep my eyes open. I'll be in bed soon.

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Hopefully a good night's sleep will help me beat back this crud.

I'm Late!

Daughter wouldn't move this morning. I didn't make too big an issue of it, since I no longer have to open the church for her program and I'm fighting a cold. I have a meeting this evening, so I wasn't particularly concerned about making it to the church by 7:00 like I usually do. When we finally pulled in about 8:20, Daughter was shocked to see cars in the lot from program staff. "I thought my program was closed today!"

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"No, it's open today. It will be closed on Friday."

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"I'm late!"

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She wasn't, and I pointed out her lack of concern when I'm late. She didn't hear any of it. I found it all rather amusing. Maybe in the future I'll make her wait upstairs for every minute she makes me late....

A Special Guest

Today was the first sermon in a series for Lent about close encounters with Christ. Today's Scripture was the temptation from Matthew. Three years ago I did it as a traditional sermon, and then did dialogues with various biblical characters for the rest of Lent. This year I decided to do it as a dialogue, too. So, as I was beginning my traditional sermon, suddenly the PowerPoint changed to black, rolling clouds and this deep, echoing voice interrupted. We had one microphone set on echo, which was a pretty awesome effect. Every time Satan spoke, black clouds appeared.

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The man doing Satan did a wonderful job. It was fun, and the congregation ate it up. Even Daughter commented that she liked it. This morning it hit me that it was probably a little risky bringing Satan into worship, but I certainly didn't hear any complaints, and did hear lots of compliments. We've been talking about the plans for these dialogues for months, but I don't think they truly grasped what I was talking about until today. Many didn't understand that these would take the place of the sermon. In fact, the man who is becoming Nicodemus next week asked if it would be the sermon again next week. I assured him it would.

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Yesterday afternoon I started losing my voice, and this morning woke up with a head full of gunk. I drank hot tea through worship to try to cut the junk coating my vocal cords. Many expressed concern and offered suggestions following the worship service. I suspect that the stress of the past week contributed to this. I'm definitely going to aim for a slower pace this week. We have a baby being born this week (scheduled c-section), but I'm going to have to let them know that I won't be coming to visit as long as I have the crud. They have enough to deal with right now, they don't need me breathing on them.

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Tomorrow morning 3 men are going to invade my home to replace my two toilets. They were discussing plans this morning. The two they are removing will be donated to a local charity. I look forward to having a toilet that I only have to flush once, and that hopefully Daughter won't be able to clog. I'm feeling very blessed to be in a community that is so caring and so willing to lend a helping hand. Now I think it's time for a Sunday afternoon nap....

Garage

So today I tackled the garage. I didn't finish it, but I made good progress. I went to the store and bought two 2 ft by 4 ft tables, another set of shelves, and some bins. I had my resin picnic table under the peg board, and it was so wide I couldn't reach the items on the peg board, so things didn't get hung on the peg board. I moved out the picnic table and put the new tables there. I can reach the peg board now. I put the recycling bins and several other bins under the tables. The bins had been in front of the shelves I had in the garage, making it hard to get at the shelves. I still need to organize all the items on the shelves, but there is already more room in the garage and it looks much better.

Daughter was disappointed that cleaning the bathroom (while refusing to do her linens, clean her room, or take care of her dishes) does not entitle her to all kinds of fun things and have mom wait on her. So, she's retreated to her room to sleep. She only had 15 hours last night, which apparently wasn't sufficient. But that's her problem. I worked in the garage and am delighted with the progress I made. It turned gray and cold, so I started a fire in the fireplace.

Daughter just came out and did something new-- she apologized. She's better at saying she's sorry than anyone I've ever met. I keep waiting for those apologies to translate into action. I suggested that taking care of her linens and unloading the dishwasher would be a good start, so she's pouting again. Her problem, not mine.

Maybe Today

So after pouting in her room, Daughter came out to get her pills and insulin. She apologized again. I suggested she show me she was sorry. She informed me she couldn't do that. She thought she might be able to show me she was sorry by doing some work today. I'm not going to hold my breath waiting. I have confiscated her computer. If she's going to pout and sleep, she will need to do that in her bedroom.

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I'm not inclined to prepare food for someone who is not willing to help around the house. Last night she had milk and yogurt for supper. Of course, there's no way of knowing what she might have eaten through the night. I am going to load my new music onto my ipod and tackle the garage. I never got that completely unpacked and set up before winter hit. It's not going to be particularly warm today, but it is supposed to be above freezing, so I think that is a good project that will give me a sense of accomplishment and distract me from her drama. I also have some shows I can watch on the DVR, and some books I can read. I'm not going to let her pull me down or suck me into her drama today. That will frustrate her immensely, of course.

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For a wonderful change, everything is all set for tomorrow, so it can truly be a day off today. I'm going to make the most of it.

A Day Away

I went shopping today. I went to the big mall 11 miles from here. I've been here almost 6 months, and hadn't made it there yet. We met at a bookstore at the mall, then left to go to a consignment store, a shoe store, out to lunch, a craft store, a discount store, and then back to the mall to get some chocolate to complete our day. It was spring break. That was good, in that the places we were at near campus were quiet. It was bad, in that the mall was packed.

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It was a good, relaxing day. Daughter texted a couple of times that she was sorry. I texted back that we could talk tonight. She wasn't happy that I didn't immediately respond that everything was fine. When we talked after she got home, I suggested she make it up by cleaning the bathroom properly. She informed me she couldn't do that, and went to sleep. I finally told her if she was going to sleep she needed to go into her bedroom. She did. She hasn't asked for supper. I'm not sure I can do that properly. It's her problem, not mine.

Going to Bed Mad

So we had some paczki left from Tuesday that I had placed in the freezer. Wednesday night I gave her half of one for dessert after supper. Last night after supper we had some yogurt parfaits she had requested when we were at the grocery store yesterday afternoon. At bedtime, she asked about having paczki. I told her no, explaining that I was trying to get her insulin adjusted, and needed to know exactly how many carbs she was eating, and I had no idea of the carbs in a paczki. She decided to have ginger snaps.

Over an hour later I was getting ready for bed and locking up the kitchen. I opened the freezer. The paczki were gone. I stormed into her room, demanding to know where they were. The remains were under her bed. She'd eaten 2 1/2. That was probably well over 100 grams of carb. It took me a while to go to sleep, I was so angry. How am I supposed to keep her safe when she's working against me? How am I ever going to figure out her insulin? I was in the room when she sneaked those paczki out.

Today she's going to her program, and I'm going to go shopping and to lunch with Sister Best Friend. I am looking forward to time away from her relaxing. I need it.

Freedom!

We just gave Daughter's program director a key and an alarm code. That means I don't have to come into the building on Fridays. That means I don't have to be here by 7:30 in the morning. That means I can leave early if I need to without worrying about finding someone to cover and set the alarm. I hope that the fact that we are making arrangements to make this work long term means that work will move along on their new location and they will be able to move quickly. I hope, but I'm not going to hold my breath waiting. However long it takes, the stress is now off of me. I may arrange for bus transportation for Daughter on Friday mornings. That would mean I wouldn't even have to get dressed if I didn't want to. Tomorrow I'm going to drop Daughter off at the church at 8:30 and then head to the other side of town to meet Sister Best Friend for shopping and lunch. I'm looking forward to it.

Another Failure

Last night I heard the sad story of another failure by our mental health system. I met with the parents of a young man who committed suicide. He was adopted. The big differences between Daughter and this young man were IQ (his was very high) and the fact that he had had access to drugs, and had become addicted. His parents kept things locked up for his safety. He died after successfully cracking open the safe in which they stored their pain medications.

As we talked last night it was such a familiar story: Admissions to psych units followed by discharges by psychiatrists claiming that the only problem was the parents. Threats and violence in the home, and a wonderful, cooperative individual in public. Parents who researched and searched for answers and help for their son. A master manipulator who pitted his parents against each other. Parents who were afraid to leave him home alone, not sure he would be safe. Professionals who didn't cooperate in their treatment of the young man, and worked at cross purposes. Laws that said since he was over 18, he was an adult and his parents had no rights, even though he lived in their home and they provided for all his needs, including the insurance that paid for his mental health treatment. Judgment from those who think they caused their son's problems. Disputes over diagnoses: Bipolar? Borderline?

I could go on, but I won't. The details aren't important. I'll just say there were multiple mistakes made by people in the system. There were multiple missed opportunities. There are multiple possibilities for lawsuits. There won't be any lawsuits, though. The parents are exhausted. The truly sad part: on some level, they're relieved. Their living hell has ended. They have been grieving for years. In spite of all he put them through, they were devoted to him and never stopped loving him or seeking help for him. Last night they were so grateful-- because I understood. I have walked down a similar path. The only difference: I don't know where my journey will end. I hope mine has a different outcome, but there are no guarantees.

Saints

I have an ever growing appreciation for all Administrative Assistant does. Yesterday we agreed to do a funeral dinner for the family of a suicide on Saturday. Today I realized we'd already scheduled a shower for that day. Today I realized that I hadn't checked the calendar. When I did, I discovered we'd already booked the church for a shower that day. I went in and talked to the men who were cleaning, measuring, and returning all the chairs in the sanctuary to their proper positions after yesterday evening's dinner. We talked, and decided we'd see about moving either the shower of the funeral dinner upstairs. I went down to talk to the quilters, as the woman who was going to coordinate the meal was there, as well as the woman who had been our contact with the family. They agreed we should try to accommodate both.

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I began trying to reach the woman who had scheduled the shower, but kept getting her voice mail. As the quilters were leaving, one of the women suddenly came in and told me she thought she knew where the woman is on Wednesday-- she volunteers for a local organization. I called, and she was there. They had her call me back. She was ready to move the shower to her home. I assured her that wouldn't be necessary-- we just wanted to know the time and number of guests. They are only expecting 20-25, so she was delighted with the suggestion we move them upstairs to the back of the sanctuary. The small kitchen there will be sufficient for their needs. She kept thanking me. I thanked her for being so flexible and cooperative.

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I went and talked to the men who were at work in the sanctuary. They brought tables back upstairs from the basement and set them up for the shower. Then they went downstairs and set the basement up to accommodate 100 people for the funeral dinner.

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We also discussed the possibility of providing a key and an alarm code to Daughter's program manager. The agency finally decided to remediate the mold problem at the new site, so now they have to secure 4 bids. They are just beginning that process. This is no longer going to be short term, so we're looking at ways to make it easier for everyone. I'm basically tied to the building during the day this week. On days I can't be there, someone else has to be there to open and close for them. If Administrative Assistant or I aren't in the building, they have to have one staff member remain behind in the building when they leave for their activities to let them back in. We decided it was a good idea, and I'm going to talk to the program manager tomorrow (today she was taking her dad to the doctor).

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When the men finally left after spending most of the day at the church, they stopped by my office to announce they were done, and that they were turning off their cell phones for the rest of the day. They will be back to help clean up after the funeral dinner and to finish putting the sanctuary together after the shower. They are giving hours of their time to the church, and I am grateful. When I explained that I would have come in a little later today if I hadn't had to open for the program, one of them said, "You should have called me. I would have come opened the building at 7:30 for them." I pointed out he had been at the building even later than I was last night.

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One of the quilters, a recently state office worker, plans to contact Administrative Assistant next week. She wants some training so that she can come take care of the office when Administrative Assistant is gone. She is coordinating food delivery to families in the congregation struggling with health issues right now among many other responsibilities she has taken on since her retirement.

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Daughter came bouncing upstairs today at the end of her program. She is super cooperative, affectionate, and excited. She wants to have the woman who is coming to stay with her help her clean house so she can surprise me. I will be delighted with anything they accomplish. The house has definitely been neglected the last few weeks. Some of the snow in my backyard has melted, and the flowers that I saw coming up a couple of weeks ago grew while they were covered with snow. Spring is definitely coming, and hopefully soon!

Setting Limits

I'm struggling right now to figure out how to set limits. I can only work so many hours and do so many things in a week. Right now I'm pushing those limits. I can keep up this pace short term, when dealing with emergencies, but to do it long term would not be healthy for the church, my relationship with Daughter, or my own health and well-being. Administrative Assistant has this image of my brain throwing off solar flares when I get an idea. Yesterday I had one-- we're going to focus on spiritual gifts in worship and adult ed come fall, and I realized we should tie the stewardship campaign into that as well. So, I told the finance chair that I needed to talk to her about that at some point. Do I really need to deal with that right now when it's at least 6 months away? Probably not. I think it could wait until after Easter.

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I was talking to a colleague's wife last night at the Shrove Tuesday dinner. She is a geriatric counselor, and has done programs for churches training people to visit the elderly. I immediately thought of the training we're going to schedule to do visitation training in May. I need to sit down and talk to one of the members about the agenda for the next meeting of the board that is handling all of that.

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I have a number of challenging pastoral care situations going on right now. Several are very touchy, and it is made more challenging by the fact that I don't have a long-term relationship with these individuals (who struggle with mental illness). I haven't had time to establish a relationship of trust with them, which means that I'm going to have to approach them carefully, and establishing the trust necessary to deal with the situations is going to be time consuming and take patience. I need to make the time to do that, and it needs to be sooner rather than later. I have decided though, that two can wait until next week. There are two situations I have decided need to be addressed this week.

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Then there's Daughter. She's acting out because I'm not going to be home this evening. I offered her breakfast out this morning if she would get up and get moving. She chose not to, so I chose her breakfast-- a sausage biscuit from the freezer to go. I explained to her in very plain and simple language that I was not thrilled about being gone this evening, and the people who had lost their son to suicide were certainly not happy about the need for me to come. I reminded her that emergencies come up, and that she can't complain that I'm not making time for her when she rejects the offers I make to spend time with her like breakfast this morning. She was subdued, and said she understood. She's complaining about not feeling good. Is this the aftermath of her kidney infection, or an attempt to manipulate me? Her temperature was normal yesterday evening, and her blood sugars are improving. I'm leaning towards manipulation. She did tell me she was afraid that I'd get in an accident (like the one she saw yesterday). I told her where I would be going this evening, and she said that made it a little easier.

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Setting limits is an ongoing challenge. It is also a necessity at this point.

Long Day Leading into a Longer One

Administrative Assistant is on her way to a funeral in another state. Tonight we were hosting several area churches for a Shrove Tuesday dinner. At noon I was hosting my colleagues for a support group. This morning one of the saints came in, obviously shaken. She had just had a phone call about a suicide. The young man was the son of some people who had left the church several years back in the midst of one of the conflicts this church has had. They had adopted him. She didn't think they were going to any church. She also wanted me to know that there were several families in the church who had lost sons to suicide, and wanted me to know that this would be hard for them. We sat and talked for quite a while. I encouraged her to reach out to the parents.

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Daughter made it through the day without calling or texting me. She knew I would be tied up in a meeting this afternoon. Her group drove by a horrific accident that had just happened this afternoon. Apparently it bothered her a great deal, but she didn't call me or come looking for me. She had an appointment with her therapist. I knew the interstate where the accident had taken place was closed, so I went a different route-- right into the traffic jam that resulted from them moving all the traffic off that interstate. We were late. I called to want her therapist that we were caught in traffic. Daughter "couldn't stay awake" so was with her less than 30 minutes.

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She was frustrated with me, because I bought paczki yesterday for the luncheon today. She wanted one. I locked them in the car last night and in the kitchen today. When she came up from her program, she told me she needed a snack. I informed her she couldn't have a paczki yet. When we got back from seeing her therapist, she again requested a snack. I offered her some chips. She pouted in my office until I went to tell her dinner was being served.

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The saint who had come in this morning to tell me of the suicide came into the dinner with a phone number. The parents of the dead man wanted to talk to me. I called them. They have a friend doing the service, but want to have the meal at the church. They also want to talk to me. "We want to come home to our church family."

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I had promised Daughter we'd be home tomorrow evening. Instead I'm going to go visit this couple and the saint is going to come stay with Daughter. I suspect that tomorrow will be even longer than today, and more exhausting.

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On our way home from church this evening, Daughter was quite dramatic about how she was suffering from physical pain. I suspect she is suffering from emotional pain, and frustrated with my busy-ness. I made it a point to hold her hand on the way back to the church from her therapist. Sometimes she just craves that physical contact. I've told her about the plans for tomorrow evening. She's not thrilled, obviously, but she'll survive. After choir Thursday, I will have had 5 nights in a row with church responsibilities. Hopefully next week will be a little quieter.

Daughter's First Day Back

Daughter went back to her program today-- at least for the morning. She "didn't feel good," so ended up in my office this afternoon. Now she's frustrated because I have a meeting tonight and she doesn't have anything fun here to do. I had planned to go home before the meeting, but decided against it. We went to the grocery store, picked up supper, and came back t0 the church. I pointed out that if she had stayed with her program, she wouldn't be so bored now.

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Administrative Assistant came in this afternoon. The bulletin for Sunday is printed. She set up a vacation notify on her email referring people to me. She took care of financial things (the treasurer is on vacation, and she's his back-up). I'm going to see if I can get someone to come into the office tomorrow afternoon. We really need someone in the office while I'm tied up downstairs with a clergy gathering. There is some filing that can be done.

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For some reason I can't quite remember, I volunteered to provide lunch for the clergy gathering tomorrow. When we get home, I will make sloppy joes for them and set up ham and cheesy potatoes in the crock pot for the dinner tomorrow night. We arranged for someone to open up the church for the final dinner preparations, as I will be tied up taking Daughter to see her therapist. The dinner is for Shrove Tuesday, and several other churches have been invited to join us. It will be interesting to see how many people show up for the dinner-- we set up for 144, but we have no idea how many will be coming. A number of our members are in Florida right now. I keep threatening to go make some pastoral calls on them. One of the saints volunteered to help with the driving today.

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I took time out today to go purchase 2 new toilets. They are sitting in my garage, and will be installed at the convenience of the plumber in the congregation. He will bring another member along to serve as his apprentice. He recommended the type of toilet they have, and thinks it highly unlikely that Daughter will be able to clog it. I hope he is right!

Improvement and Frustration

Last night I suggested to Daughter that we start getting up and to the church 30 minutes earlier this week, that way we'll only have to adjust 30 minutes for the time change Sunday. My radio comes on at 5:00 in the morning, and then the alarm goes off at 5:30. I got up before the alarm went off, and Daughter was already up, showered, and dressed for the day. She was very happy this morning. She took care of her linens with no prompting from me. When I asked her to put the clean dishes away, she did without complaint. I was delighted.

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Then she asked me to do her hair. It was a tangled mess. I don't think she has been brushing or picking through it. I applied lots of lotion and worked through it with a pick. She screamed and hollered. I didn't let her see how much hair I threw away. She keeps telling me that she's almost and can take care of herself. Obviously she hasn't been taking care of her hair. I will need to monitor more closely in the future. Sigh.

Jealousy

I cancelled my Thursday evening appointments this week because of Daughter's illness. So I had to figure out another way to accomplish those tasks. The work of one of the appointments was done by email. The couple that I am doing premarital counseling with got rescheduled for this evening (the wedding is rapidly approaching, and they had some pretty big issues they wanted to address). I decided that rather that drag Daughter back to the church while I met with them, I'd have them come here to the house. I met with them in the living room (which we seldom use). Daughter chose to retreat to the basement to watch her TV.

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We went to lunch when I finished at church (and I had to stay late to finish the work of the other cancelled appointment), then when we got home I sat down and she leaned against me and fell asleep. We did some cleaning in the kitchen, and the couple showed up. Daughter was very jealous. She was furious when they left. She was suffering and needed to go to the doctor immediately. But she wouldn't tell me why. I told her I wouldn't take her if I didn't know what was wrong. Her back and stomach were bothering her. I offered her the meds they prescribed for those issues in the ER the other night. She didn't want those. Those wouldn't work. She screamed and hollered. It's Sunday, and I'm exhausted. It's been a long day. I have a headache.

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I told her I realized she wasn't happy about them coming to the house. She shouted some more. I explained to her why I had to meet with them tonight and why I had them come to the house. She shouted that I shouldn't change plans because of her. I told her I was sorry if she didn't like the way I'd handled things, but I had made the plans with her in mind. Eventually she apologized. Sat next to me on the couch, and wrapped herself around my arm.

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I honestly don't know if she's feeling better or not. I know she's still tired, but is she really having back (kidney) pain and stomach issues? I don't think those are real. I think she knows those are symptoms of her illness and is using them as she seeks attention. Of course, I could be wrong. I hope I'm not wrong, but it is definitely a possibility. I do know I have a headache, and I'm tired of being yelled at and accused of all sorts of things because she's jealous of my work. Especially on a day when I've made it a point to give her lots of attention. Some days it feels like I just can't win.

Sunday

I headed out to church this morning, and when I tried to stop at the first signal light, I discovered the roads were a solid sheet of ice. Attendance was down, but everyone who made it came in with a story to tell. One couple passed 2 cars in the ditch on their road. I'm glad they didn't stop (they did see that the drivers were okay and on cell phones), as they are an elderly couple who were more likely to hurt themselves than help the people in the other vehicles.

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Daughter's blood sugar is slowly coming down. She's grouchy today. She says she doesn't know how she feels. She's slept with head in my lap since we got home from church. Administrative Assistant will be leaving the state for a funeral this week. She doesn't know yet when the service will be or how long she will be gone. While Daughter slept, I finished getting the bulletin ready for next Sunday. I have a couple coming here to the house for pre-marital counseling this evening. Daughter is not happy about that. I thought it was better than dragging her back to the church this evening. I was supposed to see them Thursday evening, but cancelled because of Daughter's illness.

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The plan is for her to return to her program tomorrow. I think I'm going to tell them that if she's too tired after the morning, they can send her up to sleep in my office in the afternoon. She had a fever again yesterday evening. I may need to call the doctor's office tomorrow. This is taking much longer than either of us anticipated. Of course, she may be feeling fine and just playing the sympathy card at this point. It is a challenge, figuring out what is going on with her.

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I hope everyone is having a wonderful Sunday!

Returning to Normal

So I'm back to trying to figure out if Daughter is trying to get out of work or really doesn't feel good. I guess we're back to normal. I've told her that I will take her to a movie tomorrow if we get some work done around here tomorrow. She's done some, but not much. I guess I'll save some money.

The Return of Energy

Daughter is definitely feeling much better today. I've been doing some cooking, and she's been staying in the kitchen with me, doing some cleaning (very slowly). She's not moving quickly, but the fact that she's moving and not sleeping is major progress! Right now she's walking the mall with the saint who takes her walking on Saturday's. It's too icy to walk outside today. We were getting rain, but now it has shifted to snow. I am so ready for spring. We are currently under 5 weather alerts-- 4 related to flooding and one related to the snow and icing.

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I am feeling slightly overwhelmed by all I need to accomplish. I chose to do some cooking today because it is restoring for me. Much of ministry is never ending. With cooking, there is a beginning, and end, and a product to show for it. So, I'm cooking some chicken in broth. Part of it will be shredded and frozen for a meal I'm preparing for guests in 2 weeks. Part of it will become cream chicken and rice for the freezer. I have some other chicken cooking in fajita marinade. It will be frozen in small packages for fajitas, quesadillas, and tacos. I bought a big family pack of chicken at the store the other day, and this morning decided I wanted to cook it before freezing it. I also used my meal saver to freeze small packages of shredded cheese from the 5 lb bag I bought at the warehouse store a couple of weeks ago.

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At some point today, I need to sit down and figure out a sermon for tomorrow. I did get my part of the dialogue for the 13th started and sent off to my partner yesterday. Lent is going to be a great deal of work, but I'm excited about the plans we are making. Daughter's improving health and the excitement about Lent have given me some energy for today. I'm grateful.

Recovering and Insights

Last night I thought Daughter would be back in the hospital today. She was dehydrated and sleeping, and I was battling to get her to drink anything. This morning she woke up hungry and thirsty and obviously feeling better. I took her to see the nurse practitioner, and her urine is much better. Blood sugar still high, but temperature is down. Still struggling with some constipation, but we have a plan. We're also taking the necessary steps to get her medication costs down.

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I realized somewhere along the line that Daughter probably doesn't recognize when she's really sick. She has always complained of being sick to get attention, and she has always denied it when she really is sick. I remember the first (and only other) time she had a kidney infection. She was 9. Her teacher called and told me I needed to come get Daughter. They thought she had a UTI. She was insisting she was fine, but was obviously sick. She was furious when I went to pick her up, arguing that she was fine as she stopped to rest several times on the way to the car and threw up once or twice.

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When she's healthy, she'll say she's too sick or too tired to do something, but when she's sick, she claims she can do more than she can. Yesterday she was mad when I told her to go rest. Yet as soon as she sat down, she fell asleep. She was crying after walking across the parking lot to her appointment with the psychiatrist, but unhappy when I told her to wait at the door and I'd get the car and pick her up following it. I'm going to have to be even more observant to figure out when she really is sick.

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It's not easy being Daughter-- or her Mom.

Knowing When It's Real

Yesterday I became suspicious that perhaps Daughter really did have a UTI. She'd first complained Saturday, but my drugstore test was negative for UTI's that day. I began pushing fluid and giving her additional cranberry. She wasn't happy, but I thought better safe than sorry.

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Then it became clear that she was severely constipated. I attributed the high blood sugars and back pain to the constipation. Then the constipation cleared. Yesterday morning she told me I needed to talk to staff and tell them to make her do yoga, because she'd pretend she wasn't feeling good so she could sleep through yoga. By yesterday evening, though, I could tell the back pain was real. Her blood sugars were still sky high. She had no appetite (unheard of). So I retested her urine. The result was the maximum for leukocytes. I took her to urgent care. The doctor there freaked out when he looked at her urine results. He sent us straight to the ER.

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They didn't freak out about the ketones and high blood sugars, because she's a diabetic with a massive kidney infection. They did consider admitting her, and finally settled for giving her IV fluids and antibiotics. She's to drink lots of fluids and do nothing for the next couple of days. It was almost 1:00 when we got home, 7 hours after I took her to urgent care. At 4:00 she came and asked to get in bed with me. She was shivering so badly her teeth were chattering. I made her go to the bathroom, and then let her get in bed with me. I suspect the tylenol had worn off and the fever was back.

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I had the presence of mind to call Administrative Assistant on the way to the ER, so she arranged for someone to open up the church for Daughter's program this morning. I slept in, and Daughter is still in bed. I have prescriptions for pain pills, anti-nausea meds, and antibiotics. She needs another antibiotic tonight. I need to call the family doctor and make an appointment. She has an appointment with a new psychiatrist this afternoon. It took 4 months to get this appointment. I want to keep it.

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We may go into the church for a while. She can sleep on the love seat in my study. I will have Administrative Assistant reschedule my evening appointments for today. Her case manager called today about her appointment with the psychiatrist. I explained what was going on, and we're going to write it into Daughter's plan that they have to get her to drink fluids at her program. She's more cooperative with them than she is with me.

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Hopefully there won't be any permanent damage to her kidneys this time. This is my ongoing fear-- that because of her lies I will delay medical treatment at some point until it is too late. Right now she's remorseful and swearing she's learned her lesson. It will be forgotten within a month. The question is, have I learned? Will I provide closer supervision to her fluid intake? Will I recognize that a complaint is real earlier? I hope so. Her life depends on it.

Natural Consequences and Disconnects

Warning: not a post for those with weak stomachs.
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Last night I posted that Daughter had really been constipated. She had been having diarrhea around a large chunk. Yesterday evening, after much straining and misery, she got the large chunk out. When I went into the bathroom last night, I discovered that her large chunk had clogged the toilet. It would still flush, but it would drain quite slowly. This isn't the first time this has happened, so I'm an expert plunger. I plunged repeatedly last night, but couldn't get the clog to clear.
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I also know, from experience, that if I let it sit a while, the chunk soaks up some moisture, becomes softer, and clears more easily. Leaving the plunger in the toilet so that neither of us would use it until it was clear, I went to bed. I got up at 5:30 this morning and flushed the toilet to see if it had cleared. It hadn't. I began plunging again, and discovered that my plunging last night had had an impact. It had compacted the clog into cement, and water could no longer flow around it. The toilet began to overflow. I grabbed the lid off the tank and stuck two hands in to hold the flapper down and the shut-off up to stop the flow of water. I stood, there pondering my next step, when I remembered there should be a shut-off valve under the tank. I called Daughter. She answered with her standard, "Okay, I'm moving."
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"No, right now! I need help!"
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That actually got her moving.
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"There's a knob under the toilet I need you to turn off."
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She reached her hand into the tank.
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"No, UNDER!"
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She touched the bottom of the tank.
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"NO, get down and look under the tank and find the knob!"
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She got down and looked under, "This thing on the wall?"
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"Yes, turn it."
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She managed to stop the flow of water so I could let go of things and step away. I grabbed towels to soak up the lake we now had on the bathroom floor. "Go get a bucket." She scurried off and I grabbed the microfiber cloths I use for cleaning, spreading them around the floor.
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When she returned with the bucket, I told her she needed to get down and mop up the water. She started picking up the cloths and dumping them in the bucket. "You're going to have to wring them out and reused them."
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She obediently rang it out-- back onto the floor.
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"No, in the bucket!"
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I left the bathroom to leave her to clean up. I had to point out several areas she missed, but she got it done. She was shaken up by the fact water was dripping into the basement when she went in search of the bucket. She realizes it is her fault, and feels guilty. I asked her what she could do to prevent this happening again. She took some more of her clear lax this morning.
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It was interesting to be reminded of some of her issues-- not understanding what under the tank meant, or grasping that she needed to wring the water out into the bucket.
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I was reminded of my own disconnects after we got to the church. I had grown tired of wearing the church keys around my neck, so I've been keeping them in my pocket. This morning I took them out of my pocket and laid them down in my study-- and closed the door when I walked out. I'm waiting for Administrative Assistant to arrive and let me back into my study.
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The library computer downstairs is password protected, so I couldn't get on it, but the computer on the AV desk in the sanctuary is locked by a hidden key, and I know the location of the hidden key, so I was able to get computer access while I wait. I like being in a high-tech church.
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No, I'm not in a bad mood. I will call one of the saints with a background in plumbing in a little while and ask him if he could help clear the clog in my bathroom. I have a key in a box locked by a combination lock, so he can do it at his convenience (hopefully today). I choose to see the humor in all of this. Everything can be fixed, and hopefully Daughter learned something from this.
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Sister Best Friend is on her way to do worship planning. It's going to be a good day, even after an interesting beginning.

Better?

Well, it seems that Daughter really was suffering from fairly severe constipation. I won't go into the gory details, but she seems to have found some relief tonight, and it sure has changed her disposition. She wanted me to go in with her to see her therapist. She wanted me to tell her what I'd told Daughter in the car this morning, so I did. This evening she is acknowledging that she caused herself much suffering by allowing herself to become so constipated. She started to blame birth mom, and I pointed out this was her choice. She said, "I know I did it to myself, it's just that sometimes I'd rather blame other people for my problems."

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I had a busy, crazy day in the office today. We got lots done, but there's still much to get done this week. I came home and answered some emails. Tiny Village didn't use email much. Overall, I love the convenience of being able to communicate by email. It does mean, though, that anytime I check my inbox there is work waiting for me.

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We're getting a few things done around here this evening, but I'm very tired, so I think I'll head to bed early this evening.

It Isn't Working

So after being so awful Sunday, Daughter spent yesterday testing to see if I was still paying attention to her. She complained of constipation. I reminded her she needed to drink, and told her she could have her clear lax when we got home. She got a different staff member to bring her upstairs 20 minutes later because the constipation was getting worst. I'd asked if she'd had anything to drink since she'd been up the last time. She hadn't had anything since her milk with breakfast (it was after 1:00). I told her to I was sorry she'd done this to herself, but I didn't have to jump because she wasn't taking care of herself, and to get back downstairs and drink some water.

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She was supposed to go stay with a member while I was at a meeting last night, but the woman got sick, so she had to come with me. She hadn't been able to get her computer to play DVD's, so I figured out the problem so she could watch DVD's while I was in the meeting. So she wet herself during the meeting, and then started texting me that she needed to leave now and I needed to take her to the doctor. At the first text the board asked, "Daughter?" I'm impressed with the way they comprehend the challenges she presents.

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This morning she got up when I told her to and got in the shower. She got out and came out and told me she didn't feel good. I told her I was sorry she didn't feel good and to go get dressed. When I didn't come to check on her, she came into the kitchen, told me she couldn't get dressed, and then went and laid down on the floor of the half bath off the kitchen. So it continued.

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As we were driving to the church I explained several things to her:

• She might really be sick, but she'd lied to me about being sick so many times to get attention, I didn't believe her.
• Her attempts to engage me by making herself sick were pushing me further away.
• I had set aside all Sunday afternoon and evening to do things with her, and she chose to sleep instead.
• Her current strategy isn't working.
• If she wants my attention, she'd be better off being cooperative and responsible, which makes her happy and gives me time to spend with her.

Once we got to the church, I realized I forgot to give her milk with breakfast, which meant she hadn't had enough carbs for the insulin I gave her. I handed her some crackers I keep in my office for lows to make up for the lack of milk. She refused to eat them.

I have informed her that I will not listen to her complaints about not feeling well that are a direct result of her refusal to take care of herself. (She also didn't brush her hair this morning). She has responded by "sleeping". She's ignoring me and unresponsive to anything I say to her this morning. I don't think I'll be very responsive when she starts texting and calling me today to tell me how sorry she is, or that she's really sick. I know that won't help, but I'm tired of the games.

She sees her new therapist again this afternoon. I hope she can get through to her, because I sure can't.

After I wrote and posted this, I read an email that sent me to this post. Think there's a message for me in there?