Sucked In

Sister and Short Niece are both struggling as they adjust to life on their own. Short Niece is struggling with going between her mom and dad's home. Sister is a helicopter parent, which makes it harder for Short Niece to be away from her.
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Short Niece, as is to be expected, is running back and forth between the two houses with all kinds of stories. Sister is taking the bait, hook, line, and sinker. I end up getting the distraught phone calls as Sister reports to me everything Short Niece said to her. I remind her that Short Niece's reports are filtered through her emotional state and her interpretation, and are most likely designed to get a reaction. I'm a little frustrated because it seems that Sister isn't taking any of my suggestions. I'm not convinced she wants to improve the situation.
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The one bit of good news is that she is getting Short Niece in to see a counselor this week. I don't think she'll be real happy when the counselor begins making suggestions about changes she needs to make to her approach. She told SN's dad about the counselor, and he wants to talk to her. She's not thrilled with that idea. I told her I think it is wonderful that he wants to be involved and that she should give him the counselor's name and number.
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I'm hoping that the counselor will encourage Sister to get some help. I know Sister is frustrated with me because I won't join her in trashing her ex and his mom. My mantra with her is that this is hard on everyone and she needs to remember that they all love SN and want what's best for her. That's not the answer she's looking for. I have managed to disengage from Daughter's drama, so you'd think it would be easy not to get sucked in to Sister's drama. It's proving to be hard, though. Very hard.

Today I Slept In

Today I slept in. I woke up to a day of absolutely no commitments. In fact, I don't have to do anything until I pick up Daughter at 3:00 tomorrow. I think I'll let her stay until Monday. I've decided I'm taking Monday off. The reality is that I really haven't had much time to simply sit and be. I preached Saturday and Sunday. Monday and Tuesday I prepared to host my family on Wednesday. Yesterday I had a memorial service to lead and then took Daughter shopping.
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So today, I slept in. I have finished cleaning the house from our family Christmas. I have talked to Daughter-- a wonderfully happy, playful, non-manipulative Daughter. She is pleased that I will pick her up at 3:00 tomorrow. All she wants is to spend some time with me. She was disappointed when I took her back yesterday, but didn't object. She had to go back because I gave her the last of one of her meds. They had more at the house, but hadn't sent it with her. I'm glad I had to take her back, because it gave me the gift of this day.
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Today I slept in. I'm not completely free today-- I'd like to get everything ready for worship Sunday, but I don't have anyplace I have to be or any immediate deadlines, and I'm enjoying the opportunity to just relax.

Christmas Meltdowns

Yesterday I hosted the family Christmas. It was an interesting day. 4 of my 7 guests had meltdowns. I told Far Away Sister that Daughter had trained me well, and the meltdowns didn't prevent me from having fun.
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Sister and Short Niece moved this fall. Sister's husband announced he wanted a divorce one week before she found out she was pregnant. They tried to work it out, and then Sister stuck around while they tried to work out something on the house. Finally they decided to walk away from it. They are badly underwater on it. So Short Niece has never known anything but living with divorced parents. She is struggling with adjusting to the reality of going between two parents. She has always been the youngest and thus the center of attention at family gatherings. She has been displaced by Baby Nephew. She was having a hard time yesterday, and had several meltdowns, which prompted Sister to meltdown. Sister has, at the urging of Far Away Sister and me, found a therapist for Short Niece. Hopefully that will help her deal with all that is going on in her life.
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Daughter actually did better than either of them, though it was hard on her to have all the people and chaos here, but she did have some mild meltdowns. She removed herself several times, but after Sister and Short Niece left, she came and watched us play cards and then watched TV.
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Baby Nephew is only 9 months old, so I guess it's to be expected that he had a meltdown. He also took two naps in my arms. Short Niece dropped him (no injuries, fortunately), so I think he had the best excuse for a meltdown. He is actually a very laid back, good natured baby. I ended up feeding Brother twice, since they were here 8 hours.
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I enjoyed myself. Thanks to Daughter, I can avoid getting sucked into the drama. I'm sorry Sister and Short Niece were having a hard time, but it's not my problem or responsibility. I'm sure I'll hear from Sister today, and she'll be angry with other family members. Short Niece goes back to spend more time with her Dad, which will be hard on Sister.
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I have a funeral this morning, and then I'm taking Daughter shopping this afternoon. I realized this morning that I failed to lock the refrigerator and guest room last night. I was exhausted and didn't feel good. It will be interesting to see what her blood sugar is this morning....

Consequences

I'm continuing to cook and clean today. Daughter wants to come help. I explained to her that until I can trust her around food, she can't be here when I'm doing the kinds of things I'm doing today. She wasn't happy, but she understood. I cleaned out the refrigerator today. It needed it badly. I've been unlocking and opening the refrigerator for as brief a period as possible. It was nice to take time to really clean it out today.
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I hope that at some point she will be able to be here without food being locked up. The food is not locked up at her house, and she has been staying away from it there. She can do it, I hope eventually she will choose to do it here, too. Until then, though, she will not be around when I'm doing a lot of cooking.

Unstructured Time

Daughter has called twice this evening. She won't have program again until January 3, and the unstructured time between now and then is going to be very hard on her. I told her that if I get a lot done, I may be able to come get her tomorrow evening. She wants to come back now, of course. I told her I was doing a lot of cooking, and I didn't want to have to deal with locking the food up. She said she's working on the food issue. I hope so. The reality, though, is that she would be just as bored here as she is there, if not more so, since she wouldn't have other people around.
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I have had a good day. I've made twice baked potatoes and two kinds of cookies, and had time to sick and relax, too. I think I'm done with baking now. Tomorrow I'm going to put together some appetizers and clean. Hopefully I'll have enough done to be comfortable picking Daughter up tomorrow evening. She was asking to play video games, so maybe we can do that tomorrow evening.

Success!

I took Daughter back this morning. She was here two nights and it went well. I will pick her up Wednesday morning for the family Christmas. I offered her the option of spending Wednesday night here and going to church with me on Thursday. I told her when I was done with the memorial service, I was willing to take her shopping to spend her gift card. She thought that was a great idea. She wants to help with the dinner after the memorial service. She'll also help fold bulletins. It was so nice to have a pleasant visit with her. Even better, she didn't object to going back today. She may be going to a movie this afternoon with a friend, but we aren't sure.
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I spoke with one of the staff members at the facility. They still don't have a med coordinator, but she's stepped up and is making sure prescriptions are kept filled. All of Daughter's meds are not on the cards, which makes it so much easier. They are arranged around her box by time of day. I'm going to be domestic today and tomorrow, doing some cleaning and baking. I think Kitten may need another flea bath. Then I think I'll put the expensive flea treatment on her. I think it's been long enough since I put the cheap, ineffective ones on her. We'll see. I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas, and that all of your traumatized children were able to enjoy it without trauma issues interfering.

Christmas

It has been a pleasant day. I got up early to put the egg casserole in the oven. We had our big breakfast before going to church. There weren't a lot of people there, but it was a good group and the service was relaxed and fun. Daughter and I have been watching TV since we got home. I did take time to make dinner: ham and scalloped corn. With the family room open to the kitchen, I could keep track of the movie while I was cooking.
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Daughter has been happy and relaxed most of the day. She knew that I would take her back if she wasn't. She has plans tomorrow, so I'll take her back in the morning. I'll get her again on Wednesday for the family Christmas gathering. I'm going to do some baking and cleaning tomorrow. I keep thinking about what I need to do when I go into church tomorrow, and then remember I don't have to go in until Thursday for the memorial service. I guess because I have the memorial service and I'm preaching on Sunday it doesn't feel like vacation this week.
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One of the men commented this morning that he thought I'd be dragging this morning, but I seemed as into it as ever. I really did get into the whole service today. I did some things a little differently, and that was fun. It's getting a late, so Daughter is getting a little bit grouchy. I really do feel like she is settling in and doing well. I hope that will continue.

Merry Christmas! Years ago I gave up on Christmas cards and letters. I determined that the season was busy and stressful enough. If I were to write one this year, I would talk about the blessings of this past year:

I am grateful to be serving with a wonderful congregation in a great city. I have been here for just over 14 months, and I love everything about it more with each passing day. I am especially grateful to be able to participate on a regular basis with several groups of colleagues. I'm enjoying being back in community and the opportunities to grow and explore new ideas.

Daughter is doing well here. We have a great team working with her. She is in a community inclusion program, so every day they go on outings in the community. I often hear that she has run into church members at the mall or bowling alley, where she often greets them with hugs.

She did more traveling this year than I did with two weeks at church camp this summer, and loved them both. We attended a conference, where I taught a Bible Study and Daughter helped with one of the children's classes. We also spent a week on a mission trip to Tennessee with the church. I spent my vacation time working in my yard. The previous owners had done a lot of landscaping, but they were elderly, and failing health and a year of sitting vacant had resulted in it becoming overgrown. I had help from several church members as I sought to tame it. I love my house and yard, and plan to put in raised garden beds for vegetables this spring.

A rough patch this fall resulted in several medication changes for Daughter and moved her up the waiting list for residential. In November she moved into a residential facility about 20 minutes from there. She loves her 12 "sisters" and the move has gone more smoothly than any of anticipated. She comes home every Thursday night for choir practice and spends the night with me. I pick her up for worship on Sunday morning. For now, she is continuing in the same day program. Eventually we hope she will be able to handle community employment.

One of the blessings of the move is that we are closer to family and friends, though I have been so busy we haven't seen them as much as I thought we would. I will host the family Christmas on the 28th, and am looking forward to it.

Daughter joins me in hoping you know the blessings of God's love and grace throughout the coming year.

Love and peace

So Much for that Idea

Daughter wants scalloped corn for Christmas tomorrow. I've never made it, but she said, "You know, I'm trying lots of new food now, and I was wondering if you could make...." So I'm making it. Of course, she told me this yesterday, and I did't have the ingredients. I decided to hit the super store early this morning, when it would be quiet. It was a good thought, but it didn't work that way. The store was busy. I'm sure it will get busier as the day goes on, so I'm glad I didn't wait. I'm still surprised at how busy it was that early.
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Daughter has called. She was in a good mood, and wanted to know if I could come get her earlier. I told her I'd see how my day goes. I want to have the breakfast casserole in the refrigerator and be ready for tonight's worship before I go pick her up. We'll see.
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I hope everyone finds peace and joy this Christmas Eve.

A Gift

Due to confusion this morning, I didn't have a hair appointment when I thought I did. So, I headed over to the church to pick something up. I decided Daughter should help fold bulletins and newsletters because one of the usual volunteers was not coming in today and there was more to do than usual. I began clearing off my desk. Then I had Daughter sort through the piles of magazines and organize them in the cases I have for magazines. I filed all the papers that had piled up on my desk (when I reached the surface, the large desk calendar was still on October. It took several hours, but my office is clean. I asked Administrative Assistant how long she thought I'd keep my desk clean. She pondered for a minute, and then said, "I think a week." She paused and added, "You are off for the next week." The confusion about my appointment turned out to be a gift. I'm delighted that I will be returning to a clean office.
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There was a steady stream of people dropping in for a variety of reasons. I told AA we should have anticipated that. Daughter was super cooperative. She had a bit of an attitude this morning, so we talked about it. I didn't have the guest room securely locked, so she got into sweets overnight. Her blood sugar was high this morning. She acknowledged that guilt was what had set her off, and that if she'd just stayed out of the guest room, there wouldn't have been a problem. She was ready to go back, as one of the staff members promised to braid her hair today.
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The mall traffic is insane. I headed north to go south to the church so that I wouldn't have to go by the mall. Of course, my hair appointment was at the mall. My stylist said this is the busiest she's seen the mall in a number of years, and she was glad to see it so busy. There are a lot of empty store fronts, so that is really encouraging to hear they are busier than usual this year.
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I still need to finalize two sermons and develop the powerpoints to go with them, but they will get done. I will pick Daughter up again tomorrow afternoon, and she'll spend the night with me. I need to find and wrap her gifts before I pick her up. I have them hidden around the house.
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I'm a little stressed, but not as much as I am most years. It really is nice not to have to deal with Daughter and her drama.

Early Morning Phone Call

I overslept this morning (I can do that now that I don't have to have Daughter ready for the bus at 6:30). I woke up to a phone call-- from Daughter. When I answered, she began to sing to me: "Good morning to you...." She was very happy. She talked about helping two of her "sisters" dress up for today (program Christmas parties). She wanted to know if she could spend more time with me, since she's off until after the new year. I told her I was looking forward to seeing her tonight for choir, and that we could talk more then. She was fine with that. I could get used to phone calls like that!

Productive Day

Yesterday afternoon Administrative Assistant and I were thinking we would be in the office two days next week. This afternoon we left confident we would only have to work one. Administrative Assistant is tweaking the newsletter while she waits for one more bit of information.

I figured out Christmas Day, New Year's Day and the memorial service. I led the noon prayer service and met with the daughter and son-in-law of the woman who died. We are very grateful for such a productive day.

Daughter didn't call, though I had a couple of emails. The House Manager at her group home has been told by her doctor she can only work half days. I think it is going to be a challenge for her to establish her authority in the midst of the dysfunction among the staff at the home if she's only working half a day, so I suspect we will be looking at another management change....

I stopped at the grocery store on the way home and picked up some items for Christmas and for the supper Daughter requested tomorrow night. Traffic was not fun. The main commercial strip is between my home and the church. This time of year I often have to sit through several signal lights because of the traffic.

I brought home some work to do this evening, including an initial proof read of the newsletter. Administrative Assistant and I will read it through several times, and may recruit someone else to read it, too.

For now, though, I'm going to relax for a while.

More on Monday's Meeting and the Aftermath

We talked about a number of things at the meeting Monday, including the fact that Daughter likes the group home, but won't acknowledge it to me, because she wants me to feel guilty and is punishing me. Whenever this came up, Daughter would put something over her face to hide her grin. I would make a show of looking away so she could acknowledge that she liked it without me seeing it.
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I think (hope) that was an important acknowledgement. Yesterday evening she called and she was excited because they were going to a jazz club. I'm not clear about what this activity is, but they go somewhere to listen to live music on Tuesday evenings. She was excited and willing to share that excitement with me.
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A couple of hours later, she called back, sad. She said her old problem was back and the noise had been overwhelming and she had to leave. She wanted to be with me. I told her that wasn't possible, but asked if she had talked to Therapist that day about a self soothing kit. She had, so I suggested she make use of those things, and she decided she'd do it. I also reminded her I was looking forward to seeing her Thursday. It was good.
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At Monday's meeting, Therapist had talked about how one of the things they do with borderlines in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy is have the individual take a box and put in it things they can use to sooth themselves. I hadn't heard that, but for years I have been responding to Daughter's crises by encouraging her to do things that are soothing. That's one of the reasons I keep replacing her ipod-- music is very helpful for her in self soothing. In fact, at one point I wasn't going to replace it because it had been damaged by her negligence. The staff at her program begged me to replace it, because it was so soothing to her.
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Yesterday evenings conversations were more real. She was being much less manipulative. I think (hope) that we have turned a corner in her adjustment to living away from me. That would be the best Christmas present ever!

Focus

This week I have 3 worship services to finalize, 4 sermons to write, and a newsletter to write. Oh, and the Wednesday noon prayer service to figure out. On weeks like this, I find it very hard to focus. I was pacing today, as I sought to figure out where to begin and had all these ideas and thoughts bouncing around in my head. We had lots of people dropping in with various concerns: what happened to the children's Sunday school material? how can we support a family having financial struggles? what about paint colors for the painting that will begin in January? why did the service board do things this way? what did the board do with the budget last night? how do we handle my salary package for next year? meaning that there were plenty of things to distract me. I finally decided I needed to go out to lunch.
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I took sermon material and headed out the door. I think Administrative Assistant was relieved, as my pacing was taking a path through her office. I went to the local coney and ordered a coney platter and iced tea. I focused on the sermon material, and quickly had Christmas Eve outlined. It had been bouncing around in my head for days, but had never made it on to paper.
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I came back and started pandora on instrumental Christmas music. I quickly wrote the last three articles I needed to write for the newsletter and shipped them off to AA. I told AA for the 45th time that it really does help me to focus if I can get away for a little bit. She is quite patient with my quirks. While I was gone I thought about the things I needed her to get me for my meeting with the family tomorrow about the memorial service next week. When I walked back into the church, she handed them to me. It's scary the way she reads my mind sometimes.
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I've now finished the prayer service for tomorrow noon. AA has gone home to celebrate her daughter's birthday. I'm trying to figure out Christmas Day. I'm beginning to get some ideas, so I should be able to get it finalized today. We need to ship it off to the volunteer who puts together the PowerPoint.
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I requested a Sunday off in January at the meeting last night, but hadn't selected a date. Today I decided it will be January 29. The two boards will have an all day meeting on January 28th, so it will be wonderful not to have to worry about leading worship the next day.
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As crazy and stressful as this week is, I'm grateful that we sat down at the beginning of November to space out the work. It did help. AA observed that she was having a hard time figuring out how to fit everything into the newsletter, as there was so much information that needed to go into it. I pointed out to her that is part of the reason why we are so stressed....
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As stressful as the week is, I love the challenge of juggling multiple projects. I love my work.

After the Meeting

Daughter's new antipsychotic has to be taken with food. The recommendation is that it be taken with a full meal. If it's not, it's not absorbed properly. Yesterday Daughter called me around supper time. She wanted clarification on when she was supposed to take her pill. She had just heard us talk about it with Psychiatrist, and knew she was supposed to have it with supper. They weren't going to give it to her until bedtime. I spoke with staff who said the orders said 8:00, so they couldn't give it until 8:00. So I called the nurse with the cell phone number she had given me. It took her several phone calls, but she finally convinced them to give it at supper. Today she will correct the order. I hope that the system will continue to be as responsive.
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Daughter called again during my meeting. The board started laughing, because they have seen the routine before. They decided it was a good time to pass around the tray of leftover goodies from the open house. (I had told them they had to eat them all. The tray was passed around several times.) Daughter claimed that another resident told her that a staff member had complained to her and said Daughter needed to move out because Daughter had reported seeing a staff member hit a resident. I reminded Daughter that the resident was notoriously unreliable and loved to stir up trouble. She is the one they've been trying to move out since before Daughter moved in. I will be glad when she is gone. What has pleased me is the way Daughter handled both situations. She called, and she was calm and matter of fact, reporting, not manipulating.
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Yesterday ended well.

Ministry

About a month ago I went to visit a woman who was very depressed. She's too young (and poor) to retire, and too old to easily find another job. Her workplace can only be described as toxic. We talked, and I gave her some suggestions about ways to deal with the stress. One thing I suggested was that when she hung up her work clothes when she got home, she also hang up all thoughts of the place. I also encouraged her to plan a vacation south to see a sister in January or February so she would have a break to look forward to. She works many Sunday mornings, so I hadn't seen her since our visit. Yesterday she was in worship. She rushed over to greet me with a hug and kiss, thanking me for my time and telling me how much it had helped and how much better she felt. She had to work last night, so she wasn't able to Christmas caroling or come to my open house. So one of the groups went and sang carols to her where she works. She was thrilled. So often in ministry we don't know if we're making a difference, so it was wonderful to learn that my visit had been helpful to her.

We had both boards meet in a joint meeting tonight, including all the people who will begin service in January, which meant there were about 25 people there. I told them I was too tired to do higher math tonight, and I couldn't count because it required more than my toes and fingers. We had some time of retiring and continuing members imparting their wisdom and sharing what they thought we should work on in the coming year. The new people shared their hopes/concerns. It was a very positive meeting. The service board then left and I continued with the leadership board. The leadership board was so positive about my leadership this past year.

I asked for a Sunday to be determined off in January. I told them I was tired. The co-moderator of the search committee told me he was proud of me for asking for a Sunday before he had to yell at me. It was such a positive meeting. Lots of laughter and sharing. Some good dreams for the future. In January the two boards will another Monday night and all day on Saturday together to do more intense planning for the coming year.

Have I mentioned lately how much I love serving with this congregation?

The Meeting

We had the team meeting today on Daughter's plan. There was universal horror at the med situation. House Manager has some real challenges with the staff there. She has several issues to go back and address. I also have her personal cell phone number for the next time there is an issue. Nurse was going down to talk to the pharmacy as we left. In spite all the medication issues, Daughter is happy with the move.

I'm optimistic that the problems will be addressed. They are working on getting a new medical coordinator, hopefully one that will last longer than the last one. The woman who has been stirring up a great deal of problem should be moving out in the next month. Daughter was present for the entire meeting, and handled it well. We could tell she was getting overwhelmed at times, but I was very proud of how she handled herself. More later. Need to finish preparing for the board meeting this evening....

I Don't Think So

Case Manager just called. She has a medical appointment to deal with an important issue that came up over the weekend, and wondered about rescheduling today's meeting. I told her absolutely not. If she's not there, we'll just have to do it without her. I told her that wasn't fair to Daughter, and Daughter wasn't stable enough to handle having this meeting we've been anticipating rescheduled (probably for some time in January or February). CM had not read the email yet, so was unaware of the med issues.
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The meeting is going forward today to deal with the med issues, and we may need to meet again next month to finish her plan for the year. Got a response this morning from Home Manager. They're "trying" to find a new med coordinator. It should be an interesting meeting, to say the least. Program Manager will be transporting Daughter to the meeting. She just responded to the team pointing out that the old pharmacy automatically refilled prescriptions on a monthly basis. There are so many new, inexperienced players in this equation that is a real mess. My goal for today's meeting is simple: Make sure there is a proactive plan with safeguards to make sure Daughter is getting the medication she needs when she needs it. One of my main concerns about this move was making sure her medical needs were met.
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I am not going to bring her home, and the situation has to improve immediately.

Action

I'm amazed-- but somehow they supposedly managed to get the antipsychotic filled on Sunday. In Daughter's last call staff told her to tell me the pharmacy would be delivering it. The only thing I can think is they contacted the pharmacy on the psych unit, because I know the retail unit in the mental health building isn't open weekends.
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Daughter was sobbing the last time she called, begging me to come get her so she could be at the open house. She promised she'd be good. It broke my heart. I told her I knew she would want to be good, but I didn't think she would be able to handle the chaos. Besides, I didn't have time to go get her. I promised her I'd see her at the meeting tomorrow.
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The open house went very well. Kitten charmed everyone, moving from lap to lap to snooze. I hope she didn't share any fleas with anyone. I don't know how many people came, but it was well attended. One of the men was wearing a ridiculous Christmas tree hat. Another man had a Santa hat with Goofy ears with flashing lights. It was a fun evening. Apparently Daughter had a number of interesting conversations this morning at church. I was hearing reports. One woman heard about her anger and frustration with the med issues. She told another woman to stop whining.
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I'm tired. I'm going to do a little more clean up and then head to bed. I have a doctor's appointment at 10:00 tomorrow morning, and then Daughter's meeting and such beginning at 1:00. A woman who was over 100 years old died yesterday evening. I saw her on Thursday, and knew death was close. I told her daughter Administrative Assistant and I would be available when they needed us, even if it is the week we're off between Christmas and New Year's. I got an email from her this evening, and they're thinking about a memorial service on December 29. A lot of family will be visiting for the holidays, making it easier. Of course I told her I'd be available, but my heart sank. I need some time off. I'm tired. I don't know when I'll get it, but I need it. I now have 4 sermons to write between now and January 1. It's going to be another busy week. I think I need to head to bed....

2:00

I had to take Daughter back. She was going to walk back. She'd first asked to go back at 12:35. That one blew over. I was intentionally not engaging her. I was letting her choose what, if anything, she wanted to do to help with the final preparations. By 2:00 it was obvious she couldn't handle this, and would end up embarrassing herself at the open house if I didn't take her back. As she said as we were headed back, "I'm not in my right mind." I told her I knew that, and we'd get the meds straight and she'd be fine. "No I won't. They're never going to get the meds right."
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Turns out the med coordinator is no longer with them. Daughter made quite an entrance, and when a staff member got on her, I informed her she couldn't help it-- she is off her antipsychotic. Daughter certainly got their attention. They were tracking down the house manager for the men who is supposed to be filling in as med coordinator. They are also out of her birth control pills.
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This is so unfair to Daughter. I was crying by the time I left her. She was curled up on the floor of the office, sobbing. Now I have to pull it together and finish the open house preparations so I can be a charming hostess. At least that gives me something to focus on other than Daughter's pain.

Not Off to a Promising Start

When I got to the group home to pick up Daughter, she hadn't had breakfast. Daughter wanted to know if she had time for breakfast. I told her not unless she could take it to go, as I had a lot to do and we needed to get going. The staff member on meds had been late getting in, and is new and very slow. Daughter claims she tried to give her the wrong pills, giving her night pills instead of morning pills. Daughter hadn't packed for spending the night-- she said she didn't know, but I'm sure I told her.
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By the time we got out of the house, Daughter was crying (and hungry). I explained to staff that the plan is for her to spend the night, but if she is too volatile, I may bring her back this afternoon. I suspect she'll be going back this afternoon. I realized halfway here that staff hadn't given me her night time insulin from the refrigerator. I have a feeling it's going to be a very long day....
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I still have quite a bit to do in preparation for the open house. My workload and Daughter's lack of the antipsychotic could make for an explosive combination. I hope I'm wrong, and she's able to pull it together. It will be an interesting team meeting tomorrow as I express my concerns over some of these issues. A very interesting meeting.

Growing Frustration

Daughter called a little while ago, in tears. She doesn't know what's wrong. There aren't any activities planned for today. She can't handle the noise there. She doesn't think they gave her all the medications they are supposed to give her this morning-- she thinks they shorted one of her mood stabilizers. So she's now without her antipsychotic and short on her mood stabilizer. I noticed when I did her meds this week that they had changed the strength of the pill, and that I had to punch out a pill from each of two different cards (all her meds are now blister packed). I was concerned, as she's always had the proper strength of the pill so she only had to take one. All the other meds that she had to take two of them had the two of them together in one blister. I thought it was confusing.
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I sent an email out this morning to the entire team, expressing my concern over what had happened. I ache for Daughter. This is so unfair to her. We have her 30 day meeting Monday and then she sees Psychiatrist. That should be interesting. Daughter said that the medical coordinator wasn't there any more. She didn't know if that was because she doesn't work there, or she's just been off or not working when Daughter is there. I find myself wondering if she was fired. I know she was struggling in the new position.
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It looks like we're going to have an interesting weekend.

Frustrated Mom

Daughter and I had a good evening yesterday. She talked about some of her feelings. I can help when she's willing to talk about her feelings. I talked about the things she needs to do to get and keep a job. I reminded her that no place is perfect, and she needs to learn how to deal with frustrating situations, because she will always face them.
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When she left this morning, there were some genuine tears-- she misses living at home. I was pleased with the way this visit went, and hoped maybe we'd turned a corner. Then she called this evening. They are out of her antipsychotic. The pharmacy is closed until Monday. The Christmas Open House is Sunday, and I was planning on having her with me all day and taking her to her program on Monday. I am dreading what being off her antipsychotic will do to her. I'm a frustrated mom. I just want to cry. I told Daughter to have whoever is on meds call me. That was 3 hours ago. I think they may be avoiding me. That may be a smart thing to do....

Ministry

I began the day with a 7:30 breakfast with colleagues, and will end tonight by (hopefully) finalizing Sunday's sermon while Daughter is at choir. In between we worked on Christmas and New Year's Day worship, and I made 4 visits. One visit was at a senior high rise, and one was in the hospital. Both places I was introduced to others with great pride, "This is my pastor." Neither visit was particularly long, but both were very much appreciated. All of the visits had stories of pain. Family estrangements, fear of death, longing for death, hanging on to life in hopes of reconciliation.
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I consider it a great honor to be allowed to accompany people on their journeys. I see sides of them that others don't get to see. I hear of pain that is carefully hidden from others. I have two people who are near death. Administrative Assistant and I have both said that we are willing to come in during our vacation between Christmas and New Year's if either of them dies. It would be a blessing if one of the deaths came sooner than that. The other would be better later, because the same caregiver is responsible for both of them. She does have limits, and the stress is taking a toll. If you count the time with her as we drove between the two women, that makes 5 pastoral visits today. A full and rewarding day.

An Apology and a Pleasant Evening

Daughter called this afternoon. "Hi, Mama."
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"Oh, I'm your mother again."
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Silence. More silence.
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"Okay, last night was bad. I'm sorry."
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She invited me to the party, provided I didn't embarrass her. I dutifully showed up a few minutes after the party started at 5:00. She wasn't there. The car transporting her home from program broke down. They'd sent someone to rescue her and the others. I talked to the house manager, who said Daughter seems to be adjusting well, and always greets her warmly.
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Finally someone told me Daughter was dropping off her things and coming. (The party was at the men's house next door). She said Daughter was pretty upset. I told her I had figured she would be. When she finally came in, she was glad to see me and hugged me (in public). She was upset because someone who used to be in her program and is rather exuberant, to say the least was there. We got our food, and went back over to her house. We sat and ate together and chatted. It was pleasant. She was not happy when I mentioned I might not make the traditional egg casserole for Christmas morning, since we'll have to head out to worship, so I said I'd make it. I guess she likes that tradition more than I knew.
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I left her and went to the warehouse store, and got home a little while ago. I think I was possessed by my mother while I was there, because I ended up buying more Christmas decorations. Now I'm going to go put them up.

Two Nights in a Row

Daughter hung up on me again this evening. Tonight she was mad because I won't let her move back here. I told her I look forward to her visits and to spending time with her, but she's not going to live here. She said, "Then you're not my mother. Good-bye." She then hung up the phone.
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I talked to a staff member earlier in the evening, who was calling to figure out the carbs on the pizza they were having for supper. I asked her how she thought things were going, and she said Daughter hasn't been happy recently, but isn't willing to talk about what is bothering her.
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I tried to get her thinking about goals for the coming year, and asked her about getting a job. She wasn't very enthusiastic about the idea. There is a party tomorrow night, but she has said she doesn't want me to attend. I told her to let me know if she changed her mind.
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I'm sorry she's having a hard time right now, but she's going to have to work through it. I'm not going to rescue her. I'm not going to bring her back here and have to live with her drama. It's a lot easier not to get hooked when the drama is limited to a phone call or two each day. I'm enjoying the empty nest.

Missed Call

I missed Daughter's call this morning, but in her message she was happy and upbeat. Her storms come up quickly and blow over quickly. Staff gets to go home at the end of their shifts, which makes it easier for them to deal with it. It's much easier for me to deal with her when it's just phone calls once or twice a day. Of course, when she calls back tonight, it may be another storm. I should have saved the voice mail so I could go back and hear her happy after the frustrating calls....
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"You're Too Much of a Minister!"

Daughter called while I was at the church waiting for the budget meeting. She was mad. She didn't have enough carbs in her lunch today, so she wanted the responsible staff member to be fired. She saw it as proof that she isn't safe there. I reminded her that she has a voice and she can keep herself safe. I suggested she check the carbs in her lunch before she leaves in the morning and help staff figure out what she needs to bring it up to the appropriate amount of carbs. She was growing increasingly frustrated as I calmly suggested ways to deal with the issue. Finally she shouted, "You're too much of a minister!" and hung up on me. She probably wouldn't be happy if I told her I took that as a compliment.
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The budget meeting went very well tonight. People were very willing to make cuts to their budgets. We ended up with a budget that will work and it only took an hour. The biggest problem was that people don't understand the budget. We will be working on that in January, and hopefully next year they will come to the meeting with a better understanding of how things work.
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Dragging

I was in bed at 6:00 yesterday evening, and after 12 hours of sleep, I'm still dragging today. Tonight we meet to finalize the budget for 2012. Our stewardship campaign resulted in a nice increase in pledges, but we did a challenge budget, so we will have to do some cutting to balance the budget for next year. I think I'll go home and get a nap before the meeting-- it could be interesting and I will need to be at my best. In the past, the treasurer has taken recommendations to the finance committee. The finance committee has sent his recommendations to the board, and the board has approved those recommendations. I discovered this year that the treasurer and administrative assistant are the only ones who really understand the budget.
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This year, the committee leaders will meet to negotiate the cuts that need to be made with the finance committee. In January, the treasurer will go in and meet with each committee to explain their budget to them. The committee leaders will get reports on their line item budgets every month. It's part of communicating and equipping leaders, two of our priorities for this year.
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I'm beginning to make changes in the way things are done. For the most part, the congregation has been open to them. I don't generally think of administration as one of my strengths, but as I look at the changes I've made this year, I'm reassessing my perception of my strengths. We have made a number of changes to reduce costs and increase efficiency in the office. There will be more changes coming.
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We are moving forward as a congregation, and I am moving forward as an empty nester. I'm excited to see what the coming year will bring us.

A Movie

I took Daughter to see a movie this afternoon. It is obvious that she is struggling right now. She doesn't know what she wants. I asked what goals she had for our upcoming meeting to set her case plan for the year. She wants to get her own place. I don't know if she understands how much she has to do before we can even talk about her living independently. I tried to engage her in a conversation about it, but she didn't want to talk about it. She was less offensive today, but I didn't feel like I connected with her.
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I'm supposed to be headed to a party with colleagues right now, but I don't know if I'm going to make it. I'm sticking pretty close to the bathroom. I may just curl up and go to sleep. This is going to be a very busy week,and getting some extra rest before I jump into it might be a good idea.

Phone Calls

Daughter has called twice today. The first time she got mad and hung up on me, because I called er out on her treatment of me. She called and apologized a few minutes later. I told her if she was nice to me tomorrow, I'd take her to see a movie after church. I'm not going to bring her to the house.
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I think she's struggling with the reality of the move. She's struggling to find new goals. We have the team meeting to come up with the plan and goals for the coming year on the 19th. I think it will be essential to come up with some realistic goals that she can achieve and that will move her forward. Maybe we can get her into a job training program or something. She needs something to look forward to. She needs hope and a goal.

Daughter's Request

Daughter called yesterday evening. She sounded down. She didn't apologize, but she didn't complain either. She asked if I could come get her today. I was surprised, and pointed out that she's miserable when she's here. She said, "Mom, I'm miserable every where I am right now."
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I refused to pick her up today, but told her that if she did well Sunday morning, we'd do something fun before I take her back. I'm thinking I might take her to a movie. I have a Christmas party tomorrow, and need to see what time that is before I make my final decision.
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While I wish she had apologized, I'm pleased that she made a straight forward request rather than seeking to manipulate me. We'll see how she does tomorrow, and what today's phone call brings....

A Productive Morning

It's been a productive morning. It's not even 10:00, but I've made a batch of sausage balls, shoveled the snow off the driveway, been to the store, and completed a batch of cookies. I've also given Daughter something to think about. I had to call her a couple of times before she got up, and when I hadn't heard anything from her for about 30 minutes, I asked if she was about ready. She went off, telling me I needed to be more patient.
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When she came into the kitchen, her favorite breakfast was waiting for her, as well as one of her favorites from the freezer for lunch. She obviously wasn't happy. As she got ready to leave, I said, "If you're so unhappy here, you don't have to come here." She stopped and just stared at me. She finally said, "Then we'll have to go to court."
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"I'll still be your mom. I still love you."
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"That's not what you're saying."
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"You just seem so unhappy when you come here, I want you to know you don't have to come if you don't want to."
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I don't know what she'll do with that. I suspect her story will be that I'm getting rid of her. Hopefully people will check with me before they jump to conclusions. It will be interesting to see if she calls to apologize tonight or refuses to call because she's mad at me.
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Now my break is over and it's back to the baking. I have Christmas music on, and I'm enjoying the time baking and puttering in the kitchen.

Foiled Again

Daughter came in and saw me making burritos for supper. She announced she couldn't eat them. I just ignored her and continued what I was doing. She started yelling at me to leave her alone and get off her back. I pointed out she was the only one talking. I put her burrito in front of her at the table. She pushed it away. I sat down, said a silent prayer, and began to eat. She decided she'd eat.
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Still seeking a reaction, she told me I needed to take her to the psych unit right away. I asked what was going on, and she informed me that Birth Brother is coming to see her Saturday. She told me Therapist wanted her to call me and tell me right away, but she couldn't. She said he contacted her on facebook. I asked to see the message. She searched high and low, but the only thing she could come up with was a message from him on the 3rd saying hopefully he'd see her some day. She said she must have misunderstood.
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She's now at choir. Tomorrow morning the bus will pick her up at 6:30. Sunday she won't be at the house. I'll pick her up at 7:30 and bring her to the church. After church, we'll grab lunch and I'll take her back. Then I'll go to a party with my colleagues. Her time with me at Christmas is shrinking rapidly....

Blue Christmas

Last night we had a Blue Christmas service. This service is for those who find the holidays difficult for whatever reason. This is the first time I did it here, but I have led them a number of times over the years.
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Daughter called yesterday evening. She had ended up going to program yesterday. She was back on her, "I need a break," mantra. When she found out that the Blue Christmas service was last night, she insisted she always had liked that service and needed to attend. She was not pleased when I refused to go get her for the service. I told her I was looking forward to seeing her tonight for choir.
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I think she is settling in nicely. She is calling less frequently, and is not working as hard to hook me. It looks like she figured out I'm not going to buy into her drama.
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I was supposed to go to a seminar today, but the speaker had to cancel due to illness, so I have received the gift of a day. Administrative Assistant took vacation day today, so I've been dealing with the office. I've had a steady stream of visitors and phone calls this morning. They've been good interruptions. Two men gathered up the toys the congregation donated to deliver them to the appropriate agency. Plans are being made to begin painting the fellowship hall at the beginning of January, and the enthusiasm for the project and its size are growing steadily. The two medical social workers in the congregation are collaborating on a program about issues of aging, and we had to coordinate possible dates and structure of the program. The treasurer and I had an extended conversation about the budget and why I want to change the process for finalizing it. The nursing home where we lead worship once a month delivered a thank you poinsettia. I offered suggestions to a man wanting to strengthen his small group. I've managed to write a one paragraph newsletter article in between the ministry opportunities (none of which were planned).

I'm hoping things will calm down this afternoon so I can get the sermon finalized. I want to spend tomorrow and Saturday on cleaning, decorating, and baking for the open house on the 18th. I don't know if I've said it recently, but I love my life!

Making Decisions

I had two phone calls yesterday evening from Daughter. They were happy calls, which was nice. In the first call, she told me she was going to get to go to jazz night with her home. She was very excited about it. I told her I looked forward to hearing all about it.
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She called when she got back. She was still happy, though she'd been disappointed because jazz night wasn't what she'd expected. She asked for permission not to go to her program today. I started to tell her she had to go, but then I caught myself. "I trust you to make the right decision. I remind you, though, that when you don't go to your program you call me and complain about being bored." She insisted she needed a day off. "I trust you to make the right decision."
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"You don't want me to call you complaining."
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"That's right."
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I had a call a little while ago from the home, checking to see if I'd told Daughter she didn't need to go to her program. I relayed our conversation. She's staying home. I told the staff member to remind Daughter that she said she wouldn't complain. I suspect it will be a long day, but it's not my problem.

Sleep Studies and Daughter's Frustration

I had a sleep study last night to determine pressure for a new cpap machine. I've used my cpap machine faithfully for over 6 years, so I guess it was time for a new one. After being trained on the new one this morning, I suspect the pressure on the old one had dropped over the years. If that's the case, my sleep should improve with the new machine.
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It took two nights at the sleep center to determine that I still need the pressure set at 13. I asked the technician if people commonly needed the same pressure on repeat studies. She said that unless there has been a lot of weight loss or some other change, the pressure rarely changes more than 1. It seems like a pretty expensive way to find out there hasn't been a change. The first night was over $1,000.
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Daughter called yesterday evening. She was mad because there was a man visiting. She told the staff that she was uncomfortable, but they wouldn't make him leave. I informed her that she was going to have to learn to deal with men visiting, and if it made her uncomfortable, she should remove herself from the situation by going to her room or the loft area. She didn't like that, so she informed me she would see me Sunday and hung up on me. She hasn't called today. Her frustration at her inability to hook me has been growing. It will be interesting to see how long it takes for her to call, and if she'll continue trying to hook me. For now, I'm enjoying a break. I suspect she'll end up coming Thursday night for choir, but if she doesn't, that's fine, too.

Let Us Know How that Works out for You

I took Daughter to her program this morning. She was not happy about being there. Program Manager and I were speculating on how long it would be before she called her house to come get her, and how many times they'd do that before they'd catch on. PM sent out an email to the team a little while ago passing on Daughter's request to quit her program and stay home all day with her friends. I pointed out that that was interesting, since Saturday she wanted me to go get her because it is too boring at her house when she doesn't have program. She will change her mind many more times before the team meeting on the 19th.
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It's nice to watch her drama from the outside. Yesterday she kept dropping little tidbits, trying to get a reaction out of me. It didn't work, but she tried. She tried to convince me that the home is messing up her medication and her diet. She made comments about safety related issues. She claimed she was attacked by a staff member. The comments kept getting more outrageous, and I'm sure she was frustrated by my lack of response.
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I'm sure she'll take back some wonderful stories about her time with me to the home. Some of them are beginning to figure her out, others will take longer.

Sunday Snapshots

I was running a little late this morning, and when I went down to get Daughter, she was just getting her meds in preparation for breakfast. I informed her she didn't have time to eat. I grabbed her meds, she grabbed her suitcase and we headed to the church. When we got there she was pouting because I obviously didn't understand that she is a diabetic and needs to eat. I gave her some peanut butter crackers. She threw them across the study. I put them away.
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I have a note book that contains all the liturgy for the day. When the lay leader started reading an introduction, I realized she was reading last week's material. I left to get this week's, and it had vanished. I had printed it out and punched holes in it, I have no idea where it is. I printed out a new set and got back to the sanctuary before she needed the next item. Fortunately, the congregation thought it was funny.
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Daughter was happy and pleasant around the church members, but as soon as we got in the car and headed out to lunch, she was mean again. When we got home, she went in to take a nap. I finally woke her up, telling her we needed to go get the insulin we'd left in the refrigerator at her house, but first I wanted her to do some work in her room. She had dumped a bunch of stuff on the floor. I brought up a box, and began putting clean clothes in it to take back to her house. She told me to get out of her room, she'd made the mess and it was her responsibility. I got out. She started yelling that she couldn't do it alone. I went back in. She kicked me out.
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I got the cable to hook up the DVD/VCR player Sister gave us Thanksgiving. It had been Dad's. In fact, I think I'm the one who bought it for Mom and Dad. We headed back to her house with the box and the cables to hook things up and get her insulin. She was surly until we got there, and then she got all nice and sweet in front of the people at the house.
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When we got back into the car, I called her on the behavior, pointing out she was mean to me when we're alone, but nice when there are other people around.
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For supper I'd prepared some of her favorite foods. She asked for things she knew she couldn't have, and complained about portion sizes.
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We had a Christmas concert at the church tonight, and Daughter was singing in the choir. When we got back to the church, she was cheerful. She came and found me alone and started talking about needing her meter because she thought she was going low. I just looked at her. She stormed off.
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The concert was wonderful. It featured our choir, bell choir, and a brass quintet. There was food following it. Both the choirs did a fantastic job. We have a large percentage of the congregation that is involved in choir. We are blessed with a gifted director.
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After the concert she started being super sweet to me. I started calling her on it, loudly. "You've been mean to me all day, and now you've decided to be nice?" She was embarrassed. I've decided that's what I'm going to tell her she's being mean when she starts pulling this stuff. Will it help? Maybe for a while.
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I am very aware of how exhausting it is to be alone with her. It's torture, listening to her complain about everything. I'm going to minimize time she spends at home until she can start showing me some respect. She's spending the night tonight, and then I'll take her to her program tomorrow morning. She'll go back to her house from there. I won't see her again until Thursday evening.

Suspicious and a Party

Daughter called while I was in a shower getting ready for last night's Christmas party. She reached me after I got out, and demanded to know why I hadn't answered the earlier call.
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"I was in the shower."
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"It's early. Why were you in the shower?"
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"Because I wanted to take a shower."
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"But why were you in the shower?"
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"Aren't I allowed to take a shower?"
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"It's an unusual time for you to take a shower."
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"Aren't I allowed to take a shower at an unusual time?"
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The conversation continued along that vein. She was very suspicious. I wasn't going to tell her I was on my way to a party, because she'd have wanted to go. She doesn't need to know everything I do.
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The party was wonderful. The local college football team had a game last night, so there was a TV on in the sun room. Somehow all the seats in there were quickly filled with men wearing the school's colors. I figured we'd be able to keep track of the game from the noise coming out of there, so I was surprised when I went to check on the game to discover that there had been lots of scoring and the men hadn't reacted. Even worse, the local team was losing. "Why aren't you cheering them on? Maybe if you cheered, they'd do better?" One of them informed me that not only had the TV been muted, they had too. Another pointed out that the team wouldn't be able to hear them. A third speculated on the relationship between cheering and praying. They did begin to get louder, and the women, who were standing in the background watching over their heads, began to plot to take over their seats when they got up at halftime. The host announced the countdown to halftime, much as it is announced in the concession stand. Someone requested that the traditional carol singing take place at halftime. Someone else wondered if it could include the fight song. Several requested that the carols be sung quickly, and only one verse of each. We did sing at halftime, though not the fight song. It was a wonderful evening, and I enjoyed it much more this year, without Daughter trying to convince me she was suffering so much I had to take her home immediately.

A Peaceful Saturday

I slept in today. It was nice. Daughter called. She sounded better this morning. I refused to go get her, of course, but I gave her something to look forward to when we're together tomorrow. She was happy when I said good bye. Kitten seems happier today, too. She's not scratching as much, so it seems the bath helped with her flea problem. Hopefully it will help for a while.
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I went for a walk with one of the members this morning. It was a nice walk, but my feet were cold and wet by the time I got home. The heavy snow took down a number of trees in the park, most of which had not been cleared from the trail yet.
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I'm going to finish the sermon and do some work in the kitchen, and then I'll shower and get ready for a Christmas party this evening. Daughter doesn't know I'm going to a Christmas party this evening. Last year I took her. She made it very difficult for me to enjoy myself. Very difficult. This year I get to enjoy myself. I'm looking forward to it. I have a Christmas party next weekend, too. She won't be going to that one, either. I tried to convince her she didn't want to be here for my open house, but so far that's not working.

Honeymoon's Over

Daughter had a major cussing, screaming blow out at supper tonight. I got a call about it from one of the staff members. She wondered if I'd talk to Daughter when she was willing to talk. I was out to supper at the time, so I told her to have Daughter call me, but to wait an hour. I said it would just aggravate things if she heard me out in a noisy restaurant having fun.
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Daughter tried to tell me she had to do what she did. I told her it wasn't acceptable behavior, and she needed to figure out better ways of dealing with things. She wanted me to come get her, insisting she was either moving home or living on the streets. I finally told her to take the cat Administrative Assistant made her, wrap herself in Grandma's quilt, and put her favorite Christian music on her ipod. I told her the quilt would be like Grandma and me hugging her, the cat would remind her of Kitten, and the music would remind her of God, and all of us loved her.
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I told the staff member to write up what happened, so the team could talk about strategies for dealing with the behaviors. I'm not surprised, and I'm very grateful that I'm no longer the target of these explosions.

They'll Learn

Daughter was in a bad mood when she got to program today. She decided she didn't want to participate in any of the activities, so she called her group home and asked them to come get her. They did. Program Manager said she thought about giving them a head's up, but since Daughter was being mean, she decided they could have her. PM and I figure they'll learn eventually. It's interesting, though, that she's not calling me anymore when she wants to be rescued. For that, I am grateful.
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It's been a busy day. Kitten got a flea bath. She didn't like it, for some reason. I'm I'm hoping the bath and the spray and powder I'm spreading around the house will get rid of the fleas. I received an invitation to go out to eat with some members this evening. I accepted. Tomorrow I'm going for a walk with the woman who used to take Daughter for walks on Saturday mornings. I hear rumors that she has some challenges in her life right now, so I'm hoping her invitation to walk will lead to an opening to talk about he challenges. It's always a challenge to figure out a way to address situations I'm not supposed to know about. I made a trip to the warehouse store today, and got some of the things I need to begin making the specialities people have requested for my open house in 2 weeks. All in all, it's been a good day.

More Joy

I was with colleagues today. One commented that I seemed taller. Another said I just am more joyful. I agree. My devotional reading this week has been focusing on Advent as a time when the church is pregnant, ready to give birth to something new. That has been a helpful image to me. I am giving birth to a new way of life, feeling my way through this on the way to something much fuller and healthier. It's an exciting time, and I'm looking forward to all that the future will bring for Daughter and me. I hope something new is being born in all of you this Advent as well.