Daughter called me several times this morning, teary, anxious, and wanting me to come get her. I gave her the usual pep talk and offered coping suggestions. I think the real issue was that Program Manager wasn't there today. She mentioned that several times in both of my conversations with her.
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Program Manager called late in the day, and she had been told Daughter had done well. They're going to use the extra staff to do things with the men, thus getting them away from Daughter. We don't want Daughter to receive extra attention for being difficult.
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Daughter has had a rough evening since she came home. She has a low tolerance for frustration, and has been on edge and angry. She hasn't been able to find her glasses, which is also a problem.
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I didn't get my walk this morning because it was raining. Tomorrow I'll go the mall if it's raining-- it's been harder to stay off her roller coaster without the morning walk and prayer time. Tomorrow will be a better day.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Program
Two people have quit Daughter's program because of her outbursts. A number of others are very disturbed by them. Program Manager asked Case Manager to look at options. Case Manager has asked for additional staffing until Daughter is more stable. This would enable them to pull Daughter out of the larger group for smaller group activities or one on one time.
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I'm glad the options we are exploring don't involve kicking Daughter out of the program. I pointed out that it would be important to find the right person to work with her, as the wrong person could escalate things. We hope that the medication changes will work quickly. We hope. I didn't give her the sleeping pill last night (her choice). When I went to bed, she was asleep. I took off her glasses and turned off her light. When I got up to go the bathroom, she was asleep, but her light was back on. This morning she's trying to convince me she can't go to her program. She says she doesn't feel good-- she can't stay awake. She's going to her program. Hopefully she'll feel better once she gets moving. If she sleeps when she gets to her program, they can enjoy a day of peace....
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I'm glad the options we are exploring don't involve kicking Daughter out of the program. I pointed out that it would be important to find the right person to work with her, as the wrong person could escalate things. We hope that the medication changes will work quickly. We hope. I didn't give her the sleeping pill last night (her choice). When I went to bed, she was asleep. I took off her glasses and turned off her light. When I got up to go the bathroom, she was asleep, but her light was back on. This morning she's trying to convince me she can't go to her program. She says she doesn't feel good-- she can't stay awake. She's going to her program. Hopefully she'll feel better once she gets moving. If she sleeps when she gets to her program, they can enjoy a day of peace....
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Tuesday, August 30, 2011
New Locks
Electrical Guy stopped by my study this morning with bad news. He'd tracked down locks Daughter wouldn't be able to pick, but they would cost about $100 each and I need 4 of them. As I pondered options, he said he had someplace else he was going to check. Several hours later he handed me a bag containing 4 locks and a bill for $87. He handed them to me as I was talking to Property Guys, who were downstairs painting the new Gathering Room. We decided that I would try to install them, and if I couldn't do it, I'd call the Property Guy who was at the top of the rotation of my "call when there's a problem" list.
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I picked Daughter up from program today to see Therapist. A second person has quit the program now because they can't handle her outbursts. Program Manager thinks I'm so nice to PM so she won't kick Daughter out of the program. I am realistic, and realize that they can't keep her in the program if she's driving others away. PM sent an email to Case Manager asking her to explore options-- even if it's short term while we wait for her to respond to the medication adjustments. She copied me on it. I asked if there is a day treatment program Daughter could attend for a while.
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She lasted less than 2o minutes with Therapist today. Therapist had received a heads up from Program Manager that things were rough right now, and asked for suggestions for helping Daughter cope. Therapist told me that Daughter hadn't been able to process anything they were talking about. I brought her home, and she slept while I fixed supper and worked on locks. After about 90 minutes of sleeping, she woke up more coherent and happier. I have managed to remove the old locks and install the new ones. In the picture above, the bottom two locks are new, and the top cupboards have the old system. I've replaced them all now. The Property Guys will be impressed that I figured it out on my own.
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She had her first new antipsychotic with supper tonight. I hope it's a miracle drug!
Monday, August 29, 2011
The Appointment
Daughter made it to the appointment with only one meltdown at program. We came away with changes: something to use as needed to help her sleep, an increase in her lithium, and we're switching out her anti-psychotic for a new one, since the old one has stopped working.
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Daughter did a good job of expressing her feelings. Program Manager and I described what we've seen and the paranoia and rapid mood changes. I'm to call her nurse every Friday to report on how she is responding to the medication changes. She has been assigned a nurse now. Unfortunately, it's one who doesn't impress Program Manager. We'll see how it works. I have other contacts I can use to get Daughter what she needs.
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I do like this psychiatrist. We should see improvement in a day or two. Of course, I then went to the pharmacy to get her prescriptions filled, and they don't carry the anti-psychotic, so we won't be able to start that until tomorrow. She will sleep tonight, though, and she'll get additional lithium tomorrow morning. Hopefully those will make a difference. I told Daughter she was going to begin feeling better tomorrow. We'll see how the power of suggestion works with her....
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Daughter did a good job of expressing her feelings. Program Manager and I described what we've seen and the paranoia and rapid mood changes. I'm to call her nurse every Friday to report on how she is responding to the medication changes. She has been assigned a nurse now. Unfortunately, it's one who doesn't impress Program Manager. We'll see how it works. I have other contacts I can use to get Daughter what she needs.
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I do like this psychiatrist. We should see improvement in a day or two. Of course, I then went to the pharmacy to get her prescriptions filled, and they don't carry the anti-psychotic, so we won't be able to start that until tomorrow. She will sleep tonight, though, and she'll get additional lithium tomorrow morning. Hopefully those will make a difference. I told Daughter she was going to begin feeling better tomorrow. We'll see how the power of suggestion works with her....
Today
This afternoon Daughter sees the psychiatrist. We've survived. I hope that the psychiatrist will give her what she needs to get back on track. Daughter is very anxious about the appointment. She says she's afraid she'll never be herself again. Case Manager and Program Manager both speak very highly of this psychiatrist, so I'm more optimistic. It's going to break up my day--her appointment is as 2:15, but it will be worth the disruption to get her back on track.
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The property guys are going to be at the church painting today, and I have a committee meeting this evening. I'm hoping to get some worship planning done. Next week will be a short week because of Labor Day, and it will be a busy week with kick off of fall program that Sunday, so the more I can get done this week the less stressed I'll be next week.
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I will begin the day with my walk, and that's always a good start to the day.
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The property guys are going to be at the church painting today, and I have a committee meeting this evening. I'm hoping to get some worship planning done. Next week will be a short week because of Labor Day, and it will be a busy week with kick off of fall program that Sunday, so the more I can get done this week the less stressed I'll be next week.
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I will begin the day with my walk, and that's always a good start to the day.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Challenges
In a moment of optimism, I signed us up to work concessions at a college football game this coming weekend. The church has staffed a concession booth at the university stadium for a number of years. We didn't get involved last year, but we will give it a try this year.
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In response to terrorism concerns, security is now very tight at the stadium. We had to go through background checks before we could work. One of the issues the concessions people haven't figured out yet is what to do about people who need to bring diabetic supplies into the stadium. I understand the need to keep everyone safe, but banning all purses and fanny packs is a problem for people who need a glucose meter, insulin, and immediate access to snacks in order to survive. Right now they think we may have to go to one entrance to get our credentials and then walk around the stadium to another entrance that is designated for special needs in order to take Daughter's diabetes supplies into the stadium.
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I'm trying to be patient with this. Part of the issue is that this is the first football game where they've had to deal with the new rules from the feds. Life is challenging enough with Daughter, though, without them making things more difficult than they need to be in the name of security.
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I hope that the psychiatrist will have her more stable by game time. She also will not be allowed to take her ipod into the stadium. She uses that when she's stressed to escape and calm down. The man who is getting me the locks told me that there is a storage shed that doesn't have food in it where she can go escape if she needs to get away. It may take lots of prayers to get us through the game. It may be the only one I sign up for this year!
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In response to terrorism concerns, security is now very tight at the stadium. We had to go through background checks before we could work. One of the issues the concessions people haven't figured out yet is what to do about people who need to bring diabetic supplies into the stadium. I understand the need to keep everyone safe, but banning all purses and fanny packs is a problem for people who need a glucose meter, insulin, and immediate access to snacks in order to survive. Right now they think we may have to go to one entrance to get our credentials and then walk around the stadium to another entrance that is designated for special needs in order to take Daughter's diabetes supplies into the stadium.
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I'm trying to be patient with this. Part of the issue is that this is the first football game where they've had to deal with the new rules from the feds. Life is challenging enough with Daughter, though, without them making things more difficult than they need to be in the name of security.
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I hope that the psychiatrist will have her more stable by game time. She also will not be allowed to take her ipod into the stadium. She uses that when she's stressed to escape and calm down. The man who is getting me the locks told me that there is a storage shed that doesn't have food in it where she can go escape if she needs to get away. It may take lots of prayers to get us through the game. It may be the only one I sign up for this year!
Lessons Learned
No matter how wonderfully patient I am and how creatively I try to get certain lessons across to Daughter, I can't control the lessons she learns through my efforts. This morning it seems to me that the lesson she is learning is how to be sneakier. It doesn't stop me from figuring things out, but it does slow me down.
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The sky high blood sugar tells me she's been into something, but it takes me a few minutes to figure out what, because she relocked the pantry after she broke into it. She continues to improve her skills at squeezing food out with the cable locks still on it.
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If she takes her clean clothes into the bedroom immediately, it takes me longer to realize that she didn't hang them up, but wadded them up and crammed them in a corner.
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If the empty CD cases aren't where I can see them, it takes me longer to discover that once again she is abusing my CD's, the CD's she isn't supposed to be using because she's ruined so many of mine in the past.
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I sometimes think it's become a game as she tries to see how long it will take me to figure out that once again, she's breaking the house rules. She's now looking for the empty CD cases in the rack. That's even sneakier-- put the empty CD cases back, and I won't even notice they are missing until I want to listen to one of them.
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I'll keep on teaching. I just wish I had some hope that eventually she'd learn the lessons I intend for her to learn.
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The sky high blood sugar tells me she's been into something, but it takes me a few minutes to figure out what, because she relocked the pantry after she broke into it. She continues to improve her skills at squeezing food out with the cable locks still on it.
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If she takes her clean clothes into the bedroom immediately, it takes me longer to realize that she didn't hang them up, but wadded them up and crammed them in a corner.
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If the empty CD cases aren't where I can see them, it takes me longer to discover that once again she is abusing my CD's, the CD's she isn't supposed to be using because she's ruined so many of mine in the past.
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I sometimes think it's become a game as she tries to see how long it will take me to figure out that once again, she's breaking the house rules. She's now looking for the empty CD cases in the rack. That's even sneakier-- put the empty CD cases back, and I won't even notice they are missing until I want to listen to one of them.
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I'll keep on teaching. I just wish I had some hope that eventually she'd learn the lessons I intend for her to learn.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
The First Meltdown
The first meltdown came because I told Daughter we weren't going to a movie today, but that if she cooperated I'd take her tomorrow afternoon. I told her if she got her bedroom cleaned (which she had promised to do yesterday) I'd consider taking her shopping this afternoon. Yup, that was the cause of a screaming, threatening, door slamming, wall beating, item throwing meltdown. It took less than 20 minutes for her to recover this time. She came out and apologized, and went downstairs for some boxes. She wants to clear some things out of her room to be donated.
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One of the things she was screaming about as she went to her room was doctors messing with her body. She's really angry with the psychiatrist about the rapid cycling. It will be interesting to see if she expresses that anger to her on Monday. I've been working in the kitchen today. I made blueberry pancakes and sausage for breakfast, and now I'm going to cook some turkey Italian sausage on the grill for lunches this week. We'll have the Italian sausage with corn on the cob for lunch or supper today.
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Before the meltdown Daughter begged me to allow her to sing her solo tomorrow. I reminded her that we had decided to wait until she was more stable. I told her that if she was doing better, she could sing next weekend. That satisfied her. She is frustrated by her behavior. She's constantly apologizing. She told Program Manager yesterday that she just wants to be herself again. I want that, too.
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One of the things she was screaming about as she went to her room was doctors messing with her body. She's really angry with the psychiatrist about the rapid cycling. It will be interesting to see if she expresses that anger to her on Monday. I've been working in the kitchen today. I made blueberry pancakes and sausage for breakfast, and now I'm going to cook some turkey Italian sausage on the grill for lunches this week. We'll have the Italian sausage with corn on the cob for lunch or supper today.
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Before the meltdown Daughter begged me to allow her to sing her solo tomorrow. I reminded her that we had decided to wait until she was more stable. I told her that if she was doing better, she could sing next weekend. That satisfied her. She is frustrated by her behavior. She's constantly apologizing. She told Program Manager yesterday that she just wants to be herself again. I want that, too.
Saturday
It's a beautiful day today, and 'd love to go to a festival or something. The challenge is finding and activity that is fun and doesn't overwhelm Daughter. To help her hold it together, she can't be bored or overstimulated. Either of those could be a recipe for disaster.
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We had a minor meltdown at bedtime yesterday. She was sleeping on her bedroom floor because her bed was wet. I made her get up and put the linens in the washing machine (the room was beginning to smell). The bed wetting is way down, and when it happens we handle it the same as we always have: take a shower and wash your linens. I don't react in any way. She doesn't need to hide it, and I'm going to find out eventually, anyway.
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I think I'll start the day by making her a big breakfast. That's always a good way to start the day. We'll go from there with our plans for the day.
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We had a minor meltdown at bedtime yesterday. She was sleeping on her bedroom floor because her bed was wet. I made her get up and put the linens in the washing machine (the room was beginning to smell). The bed wetting is way down, and when it happens we handle it the same as we always have: take a shower and wash your linens. I don't react in any way. She doesn't need to hide it, and I'm going to find out eventually, anyway.
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I think I'll start the day by making her a big breakfast. That's always a good way to start the day. We'll go from there with our plans for the day.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Trying
Daughter is trying so hard to hold it together right now, but she can't. She does well for a while, and then she blows. There doesn't have to be a trigger, she just has a meltdown. She had an uncontrollable crying spell at program today. There was no trigger, and she doesn't know why she did it. Program Manager had her stay back and watch movies and take a nap this afternoon. Daughter was very apologetic after the meltdown.
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When she got home, we walked through the park to the mall for supper. After supper, we wandered through a few stores. She then got mad and stormed off. There wasn't a trigger, she just couldn't hold it together any longer. When I finally got her to talk to me, she was mad at me for taking her out in public-- she was embarrassed to have anyone see her in that state. As we were walking home she decided she wanted to stop at the library and see if they had a DVD she wanted. She was delighted to see a church member in the parking lot. I stood and talked to the member (who had been there all day running a used book sale) while Daughter went in and got the DVD.
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She was pleasant and apologetic after we got home. It's hard living in her head right now. My goal is to get her through to her appointment Monday afternoon. She had signed up to sing a solo on Sunday, but Administrative Assistant and I decided she wasn't stable enough to handle it. Surprisingly, she didn't object very much. It would have been hard on her, and I think she realizes that we were taking care of her.
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I'm going to keep the weekend as quiet as I can for her. We may go to a movie tomorrow afternoon, but that will be about it for excitement.
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When she got home, we walked through the park to the mall for supper. After supper, we wandered through a few stores. She then got mad and stormed off. There wasn't a trigger, she just couldn't hold it together any longer. When I finally got her to talk to me, she was mad at me for taking her out in public-- she was embarrassed to have anyone see her in that state. As we were walking home she decided she wanted to stop at the library and see if they had a DVD she wanted. She was delighted to see a church member in the parking lot. I stood and talked to the member (who had been there all day running a used book sale) while Daughter went in and got the DVD.
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She was pleasant and apologetic after we got home. It's hard living in her head right now. My goal is to get her through to her appointment Monday afternoon. She had signed up to sing a solo on Sunday, but Administrative Assistant and I decided she wasn't stable enough to handle it. Surprisingly, she didn't object very much. It would have been hard on her, and I think she realizes that we were taking care of her.
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I'm going to keep the weekend as quiet as I can for her. We may go to a movie tomorrow afternoon, but that will be about it for excitement.
Hard
Daughter had difficulty falling asleep last night. She had difficulty sleeping through the night. She was up and dressed long before I was this morning. I watched her sit at the breakfast table holding her head. "My head won't stop talking to me!" She is in so much pain right now.
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She broke into the pantry last night, so her blood sugar was high this morning. She repeated her desire to die. About the time I began to wonder if I should see about getting her admitted to the psych unit, she got up and wrote a speech of apology she wants to read at her program today. She is feeling so guilty because she knows her behavior and outbursts are hurting people. She just can't stop them right now.
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Occasionally I wonder if she should be on psychiatric meds. This week I have no doubts. My child is in pain and it's so hard to watch. I just hope I can keep her safe at home until her appointment Monday. Tonight I will give her things to look forward to this weekend, hoping that will keep her going and as cooperative as she is capable of being, given the storm going on inside her head.
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She broke into the pantry last night, so her blood sugar was high this morning. She repeated her desire to die. About the time I began to wonder if I should see about getting her admitted to the psych unit, she got up and wrote a speech of apology she wants to read at her program today. She is feeling so guilty because she knows her behavior and outbursts are hurting people. She just can't stop them right now.
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Occasionally I wonder if she should be on psychiatric meds. This week I have no doubts. My child is in pain and it's so hard to watch. I just hope I can keep her safe at home until her appointment Monday. Tonight I will give her things to look forward to this weekend, hoping that will keep her going and as cooperative as she is capable of being, given the storm going on inside her head.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
"I Don't Like Myself Right Now"
Daughter continues to struggle. She is cycling from happy to angry to deeply depressed many times each day. We got her an emergency appointment with the psychiatrist Monday afternoon. This evening I wondered if I should be taking her to the ER. She told me she wanted to be raped and murdered.
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She was angry because Program Manager and I were texting today. PM was asking me how to handle various situations. Daughter accused me of hating her and of plotting against her. When she managed to calm down, she was able to hear me explain that we were trying to keep her safe as she struggled through a very hard time.
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She has told me repeatedly she doesn't know why she's acting this way, and she doesn't like herself right now. It's hard, watching her struggle like this. PM texted me that the cycling was so rapid-- she couldn't imagine what it must be like to live in her head right now. I agree. I hope the psychiatrist can work miracles on Monday. I hope I can keep Daughter home until Monday.
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Case Manager still doesn't fully understand, but we think she's beginning to see a bit more of the challenges Daughter is dealing with. Daughter called Case Manager yesterday and insisted she was ready for a job and her own apartment and wanted to get her driver's license and car. CM wondered if she should make a referral to a job coach. I told her I really didn't think that was a good idea right now.
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I keep explaining to Daughter that she had to learn the alphabet before she could read, and to walk before she could run, and she needs to learn to be responsible for her own safety before she can take on the safety of others. Yesterday she wanted to call the camp she was at this summer so she could get a job as a camp counselor right away. She was furious when I wouldn't give her the phone number.
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Once she calmed down she came outside and swept. I mowed and edged the lawn this afternoon and evening, so there was much to sweep up. She eventually did a halfway decent job of it.
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I'm not bringing my computer home most nights, and I'm not having time to blog when I'm in the office. I like the way my new schedule is working. Daughter gets on the bus about 6:35, and by 6:45 I'm out the door for a 3 mile walk. I get home and head into the church, getting there between 8:30 and 9:00. I'm trying to get home about 4:00, so I have time to do some chores and start supper before Daughter gets home between 5:00 and 5:15. Many nights I'm sitting out on the porch to welcome her home. Without the computer to distract me, I'm getting more done around the house in the evening. Occasionally I bring home a book or notebook so I can do some reading or writing in the evening.
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Currently I only have evening commitments on Monday, but once September rolls around, it will be 3-4 nights a week. I'm looking forward to our fall program. I think it will be fun.
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She was angry because Program Manager and I were texting today. PM was asking me how to handle various situations. Daughter accused me of hating her and of plotting against her. When she managed to calm down, she was able to hear me explain that we were trying to keep her safe as she struggled through a very hard time.
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She has told me repeatedly she doesn't know why she's acting this way, and she doesn't like herself right now. It's hard, watching her struggle like this. PM texted me that the cycling was so rapid-- she couldn't imagine what it must be like to live in her head right now. I agree. I hope the psychiatrist can work miracles on Monday. I hope I can keep Daughter home until Monday.
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Case Manager still doesn't fully understand, but we think she's beginning to see a bit more of the challenges Daughter is dealing with. Daughter called Case Manager yesterday and insisted she was ready for a job and her own apartment and wanted to get her driver's license and car. CM wondered if she should make a referral to a job coach. I told her I really didn't think that was a good idea right now.
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I keep explaining to Daughter that she had to learn the alphabet before she could read, and to walk before she could run, and she needs to learn to be responsible for her own safety before she can take on the safety of others. Yesterday she wanted to call the camp she was at this summer so she could get a job as a camp counselor right away. She was furious when I wouldn't give her the phone number.
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Once she calmed down she came outside and swept. I mowed and edged the lawn this afternoon and evening, so there was much to sweep up. She eventually did a halfway decent job of it.
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I'm not bringing my computer home most nights, and I'm not having time to blog when I'm in the office. I like the way my new schedule is working. Daughter gets on the bus about 6:35, and by 6:45 I'm out the door for a 3 mile walk. I get home and head into the church, getting there between 8:30 and 9:00. I'm trying to get home about 4:00, so I have time to do some chores and start supper before Daughter gets home between 5:00 and 5:15. Many nights I'm sitting out on the porch to welcome her home. Without the computer to distract me, I'm getting more done around the house in the evening. Occasionally I bring home a book or notebook so I can do some reading or writing in the evening.
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Currently I only have evening commitments on Monday, but once September rolls around, it will be 3-4 nights a week. I'm looking forward to our fall program. I think it will be fun.
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Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Expressing Needs
Daughter has been crying out for attention this week in a variety of different ways. She has complained of harassment, tremendous pain in her hand, dizziness, and a variety of other things. My mantra has become, "I have confidence in your ability to handle it."
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I was sitting on the porch waiting for her when she got home last night. She walked up the steps sobbing because her hand hurt so much. The previous evening, I had carefully examined her hand. There was no swelling or redness, and no tender spots as I examined it. She hasn't had an injury. Her description of the pain keeps changing. She insisted that she had to see a doctor.
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I pondered her complaints as I was fixing the supper she had requested: blueberry pancakes and sausage. Finally I said, "I want to tell you a story."
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"Oh, oh. Should I sit down?"
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"It's nothing bad. I'm just remembering when you were real little. Sometimes I'd pick you up from daycare and you'd complain about hurts no one could see. I finally realized that you had big feelings that you couldn't talk about, and these injuries were your way of saying you were hurting and needed attention. It's important to learn how to express those big feelings."
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"I knew I should have sat down."
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She didn't acknowledge this was what she was doing. She didn't express her feelings, but she did stop complaining about her hand. She turned down the time and attention I offered her in the evening, saying she preferred to be alone.
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I was sitting on the porch waiting for her when she got home last night. She walked up the steps sobbing because her hand hurt so much. The previous evening, I had carefully examined her hand. There was no swelling or redness, and no tender spots as I examined it. She hasn't had an injury. Her description of the pain keeps changing. She insisted that she had to see a doctor.
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I pondered her complaints as I was fixing the supper she had requested: blueberry pancakes and sausage. Finally I said, "I want to tell you a story."
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"Oh, oh. Should I sit down?"
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"It's nothing bad. I'm just remembering when you were real little. Sometimes I'd pick you up from daycare and you'd complain about hurts no one could see. I finally realized that you had big feelings that you couldn't talk about, and these injuries were your way of saying you were hurting and needed attention. It's important to learn how to express those big feelings."
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"I knew I should have sat down."
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She didn't acknowledge this was what she was doing. She didn't express her feelings, but she did stop complaining about her hand. She turned down the time and attention I offered her in the evening, saying she preferred to be alone.
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Monday, August 22, 2011
A Good Start
Our week is off to a good start. Daughter was up and showered when I got up at 5:00 this morning. She unloaded the dishwasher without any prompting from me. She was happy this morning. She does seem to be improving on a daily basis.
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It is a beautiful cool morning, and I walked 3 miles before coming into the church. Today I listened to sermon podcasts on the way out, and on the way back I prayed and planned my day. I liked the way that worked, so hopefully will be able to continue that pattern.
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This is going to be a very busy week, and I'm looking forward to it. I have a great deal to accomplish today, so I'm going to use the timer on my cell phone to help me stay focused and move from task to task. The property guys are supposed to be coming in this morning to begin work on our new prayer/meeting room. I'm excited about seeing the finished room and beginning to use it. Their presence, though, will be another distraction. Hopefully the timer will help me maintain my focus.
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It is a beautiful cool morning, and I walked 3 miles before coming into the church. Today I listened to sermon podcasts on the way out, and on the way back I prayed and planned my day. I liked the way that worked, so hopefully will be able to continue that pattern.
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This is going to be a very busy week, and I'm looking forward to it. I have a great deal to accomplish today, so I'm going to use the timer on my cell phone to help me stay focused and move from task to task. The property guys are supposed to be coming in this morning to begin work on our new prayer/meeting room. I'm excited about seeing the finished room and beginning to use it. Their presence, though, will be another distraction. Hopefully the timer will help me maintain my focus.
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Sunday, August 21, 2011
Fall
There is a hint of fall in the air. A few trees have begun to change color, and the temperature is dropping into the 50's at night. Today's high was only going to be 74, so I opened all the windows. There are lots of trees in my neighborhood, so I'm enjoying the sound of the wind in the trees and the breeze coming in the windows. I can hear the birds and the neighbor kids playing touch football. I love fall.
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After worship today Daughter and I went out to eat, again sharing a meal. From there we went to the farmer's market, and then the grocery store. By the time we got to the grocery store, we both were experiencing some major intestinal discomfort. We finished quickly and came home. Daughter took off her dress, put on her nightgown and went to bed. I called the woman who was going to go to the nursing home for worship with us this afternoon and asked her to handle the service. I was grateful for her willingness to step in on very short notice.
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Daughter slept all afternoon, but is now up and had some supper. I'm grateful that are suffering was limited to one end, and didn't last very long. I don't think we'll be going back to that restaurant anytime soon....
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After worship today Daughter and I went out to eat, again sharing a meal. From there we went to the farmer's market, and then the grocery store. By the time we got to the grocery store, we both were experiencing some major intestinal discomfort. We finished quickly and came home. Daughter took off her dress, put on her nightgown and went to bed. I called the woman who was going to go to the nursing home for worship with us this afternoon and asked her to handle the service. I was grateful for her willingness to step in on very short notice.
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Daughter slept all afternoon, but is now up and had some supper. I'm grateful that are suffering was limited to one end, and didn't last very long. I don't think we'll be going back to that restaurant anytime soon....
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Slow Learner
In October I moved Daughter's prescriptions to a local pharmacy. I have been going there at least once a month ever since to pick up her prescriptions. This month, for the first time, they were all done properly. They'd done split billing on all of them. They had sufficient quantities of each medication on hand to completely fill the prescriptions. It was nice. It only took them 11 tries to get it right....
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At supper time I pointed out to Daughter that she seemed to be doing better today. All experienced RAD moms know what happened next: a major meltdown. I've been at it 21 years and still haven't figure that out. I'm grateful the pharmacy isn't as slow as I am....
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At supper time I pointed out to Daughter that she seemed to be doing better today. All experienced RAD moms know what happened next: a major meltdown. I've been at it 21 years and still haven't figure that out. I'm grateful the pharmacy isn't as slow as I am....
Progress in Inches
Yesterday evening I explained to Daughter my theory that part of her problem was that it was a year ago that we were getting ready to move, and suggested that her body remembered how nervous she was, and that she needed to tell her body we aren't moving again. I told her I'm staying in this house until they carry me out feet first. "Do you know what that means?"
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She grinned, "Until you die."
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I could see her begin to relax. Today she's a little less volatile. We still have some mood swings, but they aren't as frequent or as extreme. I reminded her to tell her body we aren't moving again. I told her that each day she was going to feel a little bit better. Her sense of humor is returning. Most Saturdays a woman from the church comes with her dog and picks Daughter up to go walk in a park. Every week Daughter informs me she's not walking this week. Every week she goes and has a good time. She needed fasting blood work this morning, so as we were headed to the lab (followed by breakfast out, of course), I told her that she would be picked up to go walking. I could see her winding up. "Now it's your turn to say the line you say every week."
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I watched as she struggled not to laugh. Eventually she managed to say, "I'm not walking today." She was grinning as she said it. "Darn. I tried so hard to say it with a straight face."
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We didn't have the usual breakfast battle with her wanting the highest carb item on the menu. This restaurant has 5 egg omelets, and they come with hash browns and two pancakes. She readily agreed to split a meal with me. She came home and started on the bathroom, and this afternoon we're going to go to a movie. I'm relenting and we are going to be Smurfed....
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It may be inches, but it's progress, and I'll take it.
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She grinned, "Until you die."
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I could see her begin to relax. Today she's a little less volatile. We still have some mood swings, but they aren't as frequent or as extreme. I reminded her to tell her body we aren't moving again. I told her that each day she was going to feel a little bit better. Her sense of humor is returning. Most Saturdays a woman from the church comes with her dog and picks Daughter up to go walk in a park. Every week Daughter informs me she's not walking this week. Every week she goes and has a good time. She needed fasting blood work this morning, so as we were headed to the lab (followed by breakfast out, of course), I told her that she would be picked up to go walking. I could see her winding up. "Now it's your turn to say the line you say every week."
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I watched as she struggled not to laugh. Eventually she managed to say, "I'm not walking today." She was grinning as she said it. "Darn. I tried so hard to say it with a straight face."
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We didn't have the usual breakfast battle with her wanting the highest carb item on the menu. This restaurant has 5 egg omelets, and they come with hash browns and two pancakes. She readily agreed to split a meal with me. She came home and started on the bathroom, and this afternoon we're going to go to a movie. I'm relenting and we are going to be Smurfed....
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It may be inches, but it's progress, and I'll take it.
Friday, August 19, 2011
A Realization
Daughter's anxiety continues to be sky high, and today I realized that one year ago at this time we were getting ready to move. It was on August 22 that the congregation officially voted to call me to serve as their pastor. We had placed an offer on this house. Tonight I'm going to talk to Daughter about what was going on a year ago. I'm also going to assure her that we're not moving again. I'm going to talk to her about the good things that came from the move. Hopefully if we talk about these things, her anxiety will decrease. Hopefully.
I Hate Medication Adjustments
Daughter is now off the antidepressant, and she's depressed. Lots of tears, lots of apologies. Last night she said, "I'm just miserable." I think that was an accurate reflection of where she is. "I just want to feel normal again." I keep hoping they will develop a blood test or something to determine what brain chemicals need fixing.
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Today her program is going to a lake. She's convinced she won't be safe there. I did everything I could to reassure her, and sent her off. It's even more important that I have a break when she's just volatile. I've invited Brother and his family, and there were two possible dates. One was tomorrow. I put it off to September, in the hopes that she'll be a little bit more stable.
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Last night for the first time I wondered if she was going to need to be hospitalized again....
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Today her program is going to a lake. She's convinced she won't be safe there. I did everything I could to reassure her, and sent her off. It's even more important that I have a break when she's just volatile. I've invited Brother and his family, and there were two possible dates. One was tomorrow. I put it off to September, in the hopes that she'll be a little bit more stable.
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Last night for the first time I wondered if she was going to need to be hospitalized again....
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Educating Staff
Today I went over to Daughter's program at lunch time and did an in-service with the staff about her diabetes. I explained why we do things the way we do things. I explained that she has type 1, not type 2, and it is different. I explained that it is immediately life threatening and the dangers of low blood sugars and high blood sugars. They were very attentive. The one who never stops talking was silent. The others asked questions. I took them a page and a half of information, and had copies for each of them. They asked for an extra copy. When the new staff member starts, I will go back and repeat the training.
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Daughter was very difficult this morning. She was anxious about me talking to staff. She chose to sit in on the meeting. She left as we were winding down, and then came back in and had a melt down. She ended up kneeling beside me with her head in my lap sobbing. That is the position she assumes when she wants me to comfort her. But then she got up, pulled herself together, and stayed for the rest of the day.
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I took her to a Chinese restaurant tonight. I mowed the lawn. She did some trimming and edging, and is now finishing up the sweeping. She tried to convince me it was my turn to sweep and she'd done her share. I informed her that next week she could do all the mowing and I'd trim and edge and sweep. She immediately backed down, and insisted she'd just been teasing and had never meant it. It was amusing, watching her try to clarify. She was horrified by the thought of mowing.
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Daughter was very difficult this morning. She was anxious about me talking to staff. She chose to sit in on the meeting. She left as we were winding down, and then came back in and had a melt down. She ended up kneeling beside me with her head in my lap sobbing. That is the position she assumes when she wants me to comfort her. But then she got up, pulled herself together, and stayed for the rest of the day.
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I took her to a Chinese restaurant tonight. I mowed the lawn. She did some trimming and edging, and is now finishing up the sweeping. She tried to convince me it was my turn to sweep and she'd done her share. I informed her that next week she could do all the mowing and I'd trim and edge and sweep. She immediately backed down, and insisted she'd just been teasing and had never meant it. It was amusing, watching her try to clarify. She was horrified by the thought of mowing.
Blessings
Today I woke up and heard thunder. I've walked 3 miles the last 3 mornings, so I'm now trying to figure out what I'm going to do if I can't walk this morning. The morning walk has become very important to me. I listen to sermon podcasts, pray, and enjoy nature. Yesterday I saw 8 deer while I was walking. I'm feeling very grateful to live so close to a wonderful park and walking trail.
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One of the things that has surprised and pleased me is how much closer I feel to nature since moving from Tiny Village to Capital. Tiny Village was surrounded by farm land. It was flat and trees were few and far between. It was hard to grill or eat outside because of all the flies that were attracted by the huge livestock operations nearby.
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Tuesday evening I grilled corn and hamburgers and we sat on the patio to eat. I sat there looking around my yard feeling very blessed to be here. I love my yard, my home, and the church I am fortunate enough to be serving.
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I want to walk today, so I've checked out the information about the walking club at the mall between here and the church. I've been walking at 6:45. The mall opens for walkers at 7:00. That will work. Another blessing.
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One of the things that has surprised and pleased me is how much closer I feel to nature since moving from Tiny Village to Capital. Tiny Village was surrounded by farm land. It was flat and trees were few and far between. It was hard to grill or eat outside because of all the flies that were attracted by the huge livestock operations nearby.
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Tuesday evening I grilled corn and hamburgers and we sat on the patio to eat. I sat there looking around my yard feeling very blessed to be here. I love my yard, my home, and the church I am fortunate enough to be serving.
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I want to walk today, so I've checked out the information about the walking club at the mall between here and the church. I've been walking at 6:45. The mall opens for walkers at 7:00. That will work. Another blessing.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Relief
A couple of weeks ago I took Daughter to the doctor. I came out with orders for blood work in 3 months and a medical form I need to submit as part of the process for getting her an out of home placement. I placed it on the back seat of the car, directly behind the driver's seat. I don't remember what was going on, but I didn't remove it immediately, figuring it would be safe there.
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Several days later, when I went to get it, it wasn't there. I figured I'd already brought it in the house, except it wasn't in the usual places. I asked Daughter, and she went out and checked the car and couldn't find it. I checked my briefcase. I looked in my study at the church. I didn't do an all out search, because I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to find it. As long as I didn't look, I could pretend like I hadn't really lost it. (I know, I never said I was logical.) I began thinking about what I would tell the medical assistant when I called to request the paperwork again.
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Today, I was getting my briefcase out of the car, and decided to look again. I saw a piece of paper under the passenger's front seat. I reached over and grabbed it. There was the paper work, just like I remembered it. Now all I have to do is fill it out and send it in. The lab order will join the other 2 that are posted on the refrigerator door. To say I'm relieved would be an understatement.... That's one less thing on my stress list!
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Several days later, when I went to get it, it wasn't there. I figured I'd already brought it in the house, except it wasn't in the usual places. I asked Daughter, and she went out and checked the car and couldn't find it. I checked my briefcase. I looked in my study at the church. I didn't do an all out search, because I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to find it. As long as I didn't look, I could pretend like I hadn't really lost it. (I know, I never said I was logical.) I began thinking about what I would tell the medical assistant when I called to request the paperwork again.
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Today, I was getting my briefcase out of the car, and decided to look again. I saw a piece of paper under the passenger's front seat. I reached over and grabbed it. There was the paper work, just like I remembered it. Now all I have to do is fill it out and send it in. The lab order will join the other 2 that are posted on the refrigerator door. To say I'm relieved would be an understatement.... That's one less thing on my stress list!
Miss Bossy
I got a text message from Program Manager yesterday. Daughter has become very bossy at her program, to the point that one individual quit the program rather than deal with her. She wanted my insight and suggestions before she talked to Daughter. I told her that Daughter gets controlling when she doesn't feel safe, so she needed the reassurance that staff was there to keep everybody safe and she could relax.
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When Daughter got home last night she was quite subdued. Gradually the story came out about her conversation with PM. As we talked, I began to understand much of what's been going on. This morning a series of emails with Program Manager provided additional insight.
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In keeping with Kari's wisdom, we will address the need, not the behavior. Daughter does not feel safe at her program. She doesn't think the staff understands her diabetes. At least once she raised a concern with a staff member about the way she was handling her insulin, and her concern was dismissed. I have worked hard to teach her that it is her body and her disease and she has a voice she can use to advocate for herself. She tried to advocate for herself, and felt dismissed. When her program was at the church, she knew that most of the time either Administrative Assistant or I was upstairs, and that we would keep her safe. There were a couple of times when something happened to trigger her PTSD, and she tore up the stairs looking for me. Once I wasn't here, but AA was able to give her the support she needed. She doesn't have the security of knowing we are upstairs any more.
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When Daughter doesn't feel safe, she tries to control everyone and everything,so that contributes to her being bossy. The other issue is that she is still struggling with mania and is very much on edge. Little things annoy her, and today she was trying to get people to stop doing those things. I got word today that the Psychiatrist said I can stop the antidepressant completely now, so I will. Hopefully that will help with the mania. Tomorrow I'm going to go over and train the staff on Daughter's diabetes. They've been trained by the nurse, but they need to understand Daughter and her needs around her diabetes.
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PM and I had talked about this a couple of weeks ago, but she wanted to wait until a new staff member was on board. Today we decided we couldn't wait for the new staff member, we had to act now. I'm hoping that the training I provide staff will help her feel safer. I hope she responds quickly to the elimination of the antidepressant. I hope that by addressing the needs, the behavior will stop.
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When Daughter got home last night she was quite subdued. Gradually the story came out about her conversation with PM. As we talked, I began to understand much of what's been going on. This morning a series of emails with Program Manager provided additional insight.
.
In keeping with Kari's wisdom, we will address the need, not the behavior. Daughter does not feel safe at her program. She doesn't think the staff understands her diabetes. At least once she raised a concern with a staff member about the way she was handling her insulin, and her concern was dismissed. I have worked hard to teach her that it is her body and her disease and she has a voice she can use to advocate for herself. She tried to advocate for herself, and felt dismissed. When her program was at the church, she knew that most of the time either Administrative Assistant or I was upstairs, and that we would keep her safe. There were a couple of times when something happened to trigger her PTSD, and she tore up the stairs looking for me. Once I wasn't here, but AA was able to give her the support she needed. She doesn't have the security of knowing we are upstairs any more.
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When Daughter doesn't feel safe, she tries to control everyone and everything,so that contributes to her being bossy. The other issue is that she is still struggling with mania and is very much on edge. Little things annoy her, and today she was trying to get people to stop doing those things. I got word today that the Psychiatrist said I can stop the antidepressant completely now, so I will. Hopefully that will help with the mania. Tomorrow I'm going to go over and train the staff on Daughter's diabetes. They've been trained by the nurse, but they need to understand Daughter and her needs around her diabetes.
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PM and I had talked about this a couple of weeks ago, but she wanted to wait until a new staff member was on board. Today we decided we couldn't wait for the new staff member, we had to act now. I'm hoping that the training I provide staff will help her feel safer. I hope she responds quickly to the elimination of the antidepressant. I hope that by addressing the needs, the behavior will stop.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
A Gift
Yesterday Daughter didn't call all day. I received a few texts from Program Manager, who was dealing with the hurt feelings of the men who Daughter had been getting together with and dumping on Saturday. She said Daughter was finding it uncomfortable to be around them, and they'd talked about it. I enjoyed having a day without any phone calls.
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I was pondering whether this meant she was coping well when she walked in the door. Her first words were to comment on supper, which I was cooking. Her second words were, "Have you seen my cell phone?" It explained why she hadn't called. I'm viewing it as a gift from God. I confiscated her phone last night when I caught her playing on it when she should have been sleeping. I didn't get it back to her this morning....
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Last night she told woman that she'd been really bad, "but Mom changed my medication and now I'm feeling much better." I think she is doing better. That's another gift.
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I was pondering whether this meant she was coping well when she walked in the door. Her first words were to comment on supper, which I was cooking. Her second words were, "Have you seen my cell phone?" It explained why she hadn't called. I'm viewing it as a gift from God. I confiscated her phone last night when I caught her playing on it when she should have been sleeping. I didn't get it back to her this morning....
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Last night she told woman that she'd been really bad, "but Mom changed my medication and now I'm feeling much better." I think she is doing better. That's another gift.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Calmer
Daughter was definitely calmer yesterday. I hope that means she will respond quickly to a reduction in her anti-depressant. She was very cooperative when we served the meal at the shelter. I had her start dishing up fruit before we started serving the people. She moves slowly, so she was far enough ahead when we started serving that she never felt overwhelmed and slowed down.
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We overslept this morning, but she was dressed and out for the bu in less than 15 minutes-- with breakfast, insulin, pills, and lunch (I even remembered to give her insulin information). The fact that she was able to move so quickly and be so cooperative is also an encouraging sign.
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I'm going to go out for a walk and then drive to the church. Part of taking better care of myself is not spending as many hours at the church-- I had been getting to the church at 7:00 most mornings. On Mondays, when I typically have evening meetings, it made for a very long day....
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We overslept this morning, but she was dressed and out for the bu in less than 15 minutes-- with breakfast, insulin, pills, and lunch (I even remembered to give her insulin information). The fact that she was able to move so quickly and be so cooperative is also an encouraging sign.
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I'm going to go out for a walk and then drive to the church. Part of taking better care of myself is not spending as many hours at the church-- I had been getting to the church at 7:00 most mornings. On Mondays, when I typically have evening meetings, it made for a very long day....
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Rapid Cycling and Preaching
Psychiatrist increased Daughter's anti-depressant last time we saw her, with the warning that if this was rapid cycling, it would make things worse. I think we have our answer: this is rapid cycling. Daughter had another very rough day yesterday. She told me she needs help. She is having a difficult time finishing anything. Any thing can set her off. She's all over the place with moods and decisions. She must have called one guy multiple times yesterday after ignoring his calls for several days. She told him they could be friends. Later in the day she decided he'd hung up on her and wasn't showing her respect, so she called and left an angry voice mail telling him they couldn't be friends anymore. At some point his parents got involved. I don't know the details and don't want to know the details. I know that tomorrow contact will be made with Psychiatrist to begin weaning her off the antidepressant. I already backed her off to the original dose this morning. I hope that we will see quick improvement.
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Today was my first Sunday back in the pulpit. I really struggled with God on this sermon, because the Holy Spirit was taking it places I didn't want to go. I was late going to bed and then did not sleep very well. I'm sure there were some people who didn't like what I said-- I mentioned politics and took both liberals and conservatives to task. I also addressed an issue that threatens to split our denomination. A number of people were very effusive in their praise, including a retired pastor who was traveling in the area. He told me he'd be here weekly if he lived in the area. He was glad to hear me taking on the headlines.
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It will be interesting to see if I get any complaints. It was good to back. I enjoyed my time off, and I am enjoying being back in the swing of things. Now I need to get ready to go serve lunch at the shelter. Daughter has done pretty well so far today. Hopefully that will continue.
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Today was my first Sunday back in the pulpit. I really struggled with God on this sermon, because the Holy Spirit was taking it places I didn't want to go. I was late going to bed and then did not sleep very well. I'm sure there were some people who didn't like what I said-- I mentioned politics and took both liberals and conservatives to task. I also addressed an issue that threatens to split our denomination. A number of people were very effusive in their praise, including a retired pastor who was traveling in the area. He told me he'd be here weekly if he lived in the area. He was glad to hear me taking on the headlines.
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It will be interesting to see if I get any complaints. It was good to back. I enjoyed my time off, and I am enjoying being back in the swing of things. Now I need to get ready to go serve lunch at the shelter. Daughter has done pretty well so far today. Hopefully that will continue.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Deeper into the Hole
Yesterday afternoon while I was painting, Daughter asked if she could go inside and clean the bathroom she had been avoiding. I told her it was a wonderful idea, and I was concerned for her safety. She assured me she would keep herself safe from food. I allowed her to go inside to clean. Of course, she didn't clean (she did get two rags and the window cleaner into the bathroom, but that was it).
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At bedtime last night she needed her night time insulin and a snack, so she once again apologized. I suggested she demonstrate that she was sorry by putting the clean dishes away. She informed me she was too tired. I guess watching me paint and dozing in a chair are pretty exhausting.
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After she was in bed, I discovered that not only did she not clean the bathroom, she also had failed to keep herself safe. She got through one lock and found any food she could squeeze out with the cable lock still in place. This morning I asked her to bring me all the empty food containers from her room. She brought out 2 empty baked chip bags and an empty chow mein noodle can.
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I dropped her off at the church to clean with Administrative Assistant, and confiscated her house key. I told her if she got home before I finished at the grocery store, she could wait on the porch for me. When she got home (after I did, fortunately), she told me she was going to make today a better day. I told her I was glad, and asked her to do the bathroom. She didn't like that. She's apparently planning to make today a better day without being responsible. I told her that Sister had texted and asked us to meet her at an outlet mall today, but I'd declined, because we had storms inside and outside today.
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Daughter went ballistic. She accused me of lying. I didn't tell Sister the truth. I asked her what the truth was. "I'm not showing you any respect and I'm treating you like crap!" With that, she stormed off to her bedroom screaming and hitting walls.
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I'm working in the kitchen and listening to sermon podcasts. She will be out to apologize soon, as it's getting close to lunch time. I told her several times this morning that I love her. I told her I was sorry I wasn't keeping her safe. Her blood sugars were in the normal range yesterday even with all the extra food, so I must be giving her too much insulin-- or she's taking extra insulin. The problem is, I can't figure out where I'm making my mistake without all the information-- like what food she's eating.
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Monday she'll be back to her program. I'm looking forward to the break.
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At bedtime last night she needed her night time insulin and a snack, so she once again apologized. I suggested she demonstrate that she was sorry by putting the clean dishes away. She informed me she was too tired. I guess watching me paint and dozing in a chair are pretty exhausting.
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After she was in bed, I discovered that not only did she not clean the bathroom, she also had failed to keep herself safe. She got through one lock and found any food she could squeeze out with the cable lock still in place. This morning I asked her to bring me all the empty food containers from her room. She brought out 2 empty baked chip bags and an empty chow mein noodle can.
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I dropped her off at the church to clean with Administrative Assistant, and confiscated her house key. I told her if she got home before I finished at the grocery store, she could wait on the porch for me. When she got home (after I did, fortunately), she told me she was going to make today a better day. I told her I was glad, and asked her to do the bathroom. She didn't like that. She's apparently planning to make today a better day without being responsible. I told her that Sister had texted and asked us to meet her at an outlet mall today, but I'd declined, because we had storms inside and outside today.
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Daughter went ballistic. She accused me of lying. I didn't tell Sister the truth. I asked her what the truth was. "I'm not showing you any respect and I'm treating you like crap!" With that, she stormed off to her bedroom screaming and hitting walls.
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I'm working in the kitchen and listening to sermon podcasts. She will be out to apologize soon, as it's getting close to lunch time. I told her several times this morning that I love her. I told her I was sorry I wasn't keeping her safe. Her blood sugars were in the normal range yesterday even with all the extra food, so I must be giving her too much insulin-- or she's taking extra insulin. The problem is, I can't figure out where I'm making my mistake without all the information-- like what food she's eating.
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Monday she'll be back to her program. I'm looking forward to the break.
Friday, August 12, 2011
Apologies
Daughter is good at apologizing. She's got the words down. Today I spent over 5 hours painting our privacy fence while she sat and watched, or dozed. The fence is a shadow box fence, which made it a challenge to paint. I was able to use a roller on one side of each board, but the alternating boards and support structure all required tedious work with a brush. Mine was a bit more challenging than the one in the picture because the support structure is between the boards. Actually, I guess it's not fair to say she watched or dozed off. She pulled a few weeds, and she painted about 12 inches of one fence board. She went into the house to clean the bathrooms, but didn't do them. She probably only sat for 4 1/2 hours.
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She apologized when she wanted to get a snack, asking if she could go check her blood sugar. She was quite disappointed when her blood sugar was 107, because it meant she didn't need a snack. Of course, she wasn't sorry enough to get up and do something to help, she was just sorry enough to try for a snack.
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When I finally finished the fence, I was tired and sore. After I showered, Daughter immediately asked for supper. I asked Daughter to please do the bathrooms she'd promised to do earlier in the day first. That made her mad, so she went to her room to pout. Eventually, of course, she got hungry. So, she came out and apologized. She had to apologize so I'd feed her. Unfortunately, I had to get up and feed her, even though it hurts to move. She can't get her own food because I have to keep things locked up. I can't let her go hungry because of the diabetes. She was sorry long enough to get me to dish up some left over chicken macaroni salad for her. She wasn't sorry enough to be pleasant or cooperative. She did get a lecture about how I'm sick of apologies designed to get her something, and how frustrating it is that I have no choice, I have to take care of her, even when she's being terrible to me.
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After supper she plopped down on the couch so I could see how unhappy she is because I'm so mean to her. I told her if she wasn't going to take care of her responsibilities, she should go to her bedroom. So she is back in her bedroom, probably curled up on her bed pouting. We talked briefly about her fears while I was painting, but right now she doesn't want to solve any problems, she wants to feel abused. She's mad at me because I won't take her out shopping tonight.
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My original plan was to give the fence two coats of paint. My new plan is to go back and do touch ups to those areas that I missed. I'm hoping after a good night's sleep I'll feel good enough to plant the flowers I have waiting tomorrow. First, though, I'll need to do laundry, and I'll probably end up cleaning the bathrooms because they're bothering me and I'm tired of trying to get Daughter to do them.
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She apologized when she wanted to get a snack, asking if she could go check her blood sugar. She was quite disappointed when her blood sugar was 107, because it meant she didn't need a snack. Of course, she wasn't sorry enough to get up and do something to help, she was just sorry enough to try for a snack.
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When I finally finished the fence, I was tired and sore. After I showered, Daughter immediately asked for supper. I asked Daughter to please do the bathrooms she'd promised to do earlier in the day first. That made her mad, so she went to her room to pout. Eventually, of course, she got hungry. So, she came out and apologized. She had to apologize so I'd feed her. Unfortunately, I had to get up and feed her, even though it hurts to move. She can't get her own food because I have to keep things locked up. I can't let her go hungry because of the diabetes. She was sorry long enough to get me to dish up some left over chicken macaroni salad for her. She wasn't sorry enough to be pleasant or cooperative. She did get a lecture about how I'm sick of apologies designed to get her something, and how frustrating it is that I have no choice, I have to take care of her, even when she's being terrible to me.
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After supper she plopped down on the couch so I could see how unhappy she is because I'm so mean to her. I told her if she wasn't going to take care of her responsibilities, she should go to her bedroom. So she is back in her bedroom, probably curled up on her bed pouting. We talked briefly about her fears while I was painting, but right now she doesn't want to solve any problems, she wants to feel abused. She's mad at me because I won't take her out shopping tonight.
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My original plan was to give the fence two coats of paint. My new plan is to go back and do touch ups to those areas that I missed. I'm hoping after a good night's sleep I'll feel good enough to plant the flowers I have waiting tomorrow. First, though, I'll need to do laundry, and I'll probably end up cleaning the bathrooms because they're bothering me and I'm tired of trying to get Daughter to do them.
Energy
Yesterday I walked to church in the morning (just over 2 miles), and walked home to get my car at lunch time. I prayed and listened to sermon podcasts as I walked. When I got home last night I mowed the lawn. I'm quite proud of all the exercise I got yesterday.
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We're beginning today at the church because I needed to open up for a training that the agency that provides Daughter's program is doing here. We allow non-profits the use of our building for events when it is available. Because of the training, Daughter will be with me all day. She's folding church brochures in the office. I view these events as an opportunity to promote the church, so we make sure that we have information available for anyone who might be interested. Yesterday we made a new insert promoting our fall program to put in the brochure.
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When Administrative Assistant arrives, we will head to the home improvement store to get more paint for the fence. I want to finish painting the privacy fence today, and then I'm going to plant some flowers and ground cover one of the saints brought me yesterday evening. I'm looking forward to spending most of the day in the yard. I'm hoping I can get the sermon done while I'm here at the church this morning, though with all the assistance the Program group is needing, that may not happen.
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I won't be able to walk to the church every day, but my goal is to walk to the church 1-2 times a week and walk at least 2 miles 5-6 days a week. I'm reminded again of how much better I feel and how much more energy I have when I exercise.
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Daughter continues to be challenging, but it doesn't get to me as much when I'm getting exercise. She's dumped another boyfriend for a new one who is the "best one ever." We'll see how long this one lasts. Hopefully the men in her program will figure out that she's not a good prospect and avoid her soon. I'm refusing to get pulled into the drama, so I'm hearing less about it.
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We're beginning today at the church because I needed to open up for a training that the agency that provides Daughter's program is doing here. We allow non-profits the use of our building for events when it is available. Because of the training, Daughter will be with me all day. She's folding church brochures in the office. I view these events as an opportunity to promote the church, so we make sure that we have information available for anyone who might be interested. Yesterday we made a new insert promoting our fall program to put in the brochure.
.
When Administrative Assistant arrives, we will head to the home improvement store to get more paint for the fence. I want to finish painting the privacy fence today, and then I'm going to plant some flowers and ground cover one of the saints brought me yesterday evening. I'm looking forward to spending most of the day in the yard. I'm hoping I can get the sermon done while I'm here at the church this morning, though with all the assistance the Program group is needing, that may not happen.
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I won't be able to walk to the church every day, but my goal is to walk to the church 1-2 times a week and walk at least 2 miles 5-6 days a week. I'm reminded again of how much better I feel and how much more energy I have when I exercise.
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Daughter continues to be challenging, but it doesn't get to me as much when I'm getting exercise. She's dumped another boyfriend for a new one who is the "best one ever." We'll see how long this one lasts. Hopefully the men in her program will figure out that she's not a good prospect and avoid her soon. I'm refusing to get pulled into the drama, so I'm hearing less about it.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
A Morning Walk
Yesterday morning I walked in the park for 2 or so miles before coming into the office. The walk was a wonderful gift, and I made some decisions during it:
1. I stopped at the store on my way to the church rather than on the way home. It's much easier to get in and out quickly at 8:00 than 4:00.
2. I came in and sat with AA to set dates for shut-in visits for the rest of the month. We also looked at the work flow for the month. It was a productive day.
3. Last night I left my computer at the church. It felt strange not to have it at home, but I got more done around the house yesterday evening and again this morning without the distraction.
4. I walked into the office this morning. It took about 50 minutes. I'll walk home at lunch time and get my car for the afternoon. I need to run to the home improvement store this afternoon and get more paint. We started painting the privacy fence yesterday evening, and it's soaking in the paint. I'll need at least 2 more gallons.
On this morning's walk I listened to a wonderful sermon, spent some time in prayer, and began planning out the raised gardens I want to build next spring.
It was in the 50's this morning as I walked, and yesterday the high didn't go above 75. I feel much better in cooler weather. I don't handle heat well at all.
Now I need to go catch up on email and get the sermon outlined. This afternoon AA and I are going to do some cleaning and clearing out downstairs in preparation for the gathering room we are creating for fall.
1. I stopped at the store on my way to the church rather than on the way home. It's much easier to get in and out quickly at 8:00 than 4:00.
2. I came in and sat with AA to set dates for shut-in visits for the rest of the month. We also looked at the work flow for the month. It was a productive day.
3. Last night I left my computer at the church. It felt strange not to have it at home, but I got more done around the house yesterday evening and again this morning without the distraction.
4. I walked into the office this morning. It took about 50 minutes. I'll walk home at lunch time and get my car for the afternoon. I need to run to the home improvement store this afternoon and get more paint. We started painting the privacy fence yesterday evening, and it's soaking in the paint. I'll need at least 2 more gallons.
On this morning's walk I listened to a wonderful sermon, spent some time in prayer, and began planning out the raised gardens I want to build next spring.
It was in the 50's this morning as I walked, and yesterday the high didn't go above 75. I feel much better in cooler weather. I don't handle heat well at all.
Now I need to go catch up on email and get the sermon outlined. This afternoon AA and I are going to do some cleaning and clearing out downstairs in preparation for the gathering room we are creating for fall.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Naming the Fear
Yesterday I received a text from Daughter's Program Manager. Daughter had started a micro enterprise early this summer. With our time away and the way bureaucracy moves slowly, she finally made her first product last week. She proudly showed me a video on her ipod of her first mini scrapbook. The agency provided supplies and support and will sell it at their marketplace. Daughter had gotten to her program yesterday and announced she was quitting her micro enterprise. PM texted and asking what they should do. I responded that they should tell Daughter to suck it up-- she'd made a commitment and needed to follow through. PM agreed, saying usually they let the individuals make their own decisions, but in this case, she thought I was right.
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Yesterday afternoon, Daughter called me, furious that PM and I had talked and decided she should keep doing her micro enterprise. I told her I was busy, and we would talk when she got home. She accused me of always being too busy to talk to her.
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When she arrived home, I was waiting on the front porch. I invited to sit with me so we could talk. Of course she didn't want to talk then. We did talk though. Eventually we worked through the smoke screen to the real issue: Daughter claimed she's never succeeded at anything and is afraid of success. She was crying as she told me this.
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We talked further, and I reminded her that she had succeeded at camp, and had been very happy and proud. She wanted me to send her to camp again this month. We also talked about what she could do with the money she makes. I suggested she could buy pop when she's out with her program and spend money on itunes.
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When she went to stay with some members while I was at a meeting yesterday evening, she was bragging about her micro enterprise. The woman is interested in seeing and purchasing Daughter's mini scrapbook. I've forwarded the reassurance and motivator to PM, and hopefully Daughter will now move forward with her project.
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Yesterday afternoon, Daughter called me, furious that PM and I had talked and decided she should keep doing her micro enterprise. I told her I was busy, and we would talk when she got home. She accused me of always being too busy to talk to her.
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When she arrived home, I was waiting on the front porch. I invited to sit with me so we could talk. Of course she didn't want to talk then. We did talk though. Eventually we worked through the smoke screen to the real issue: Daughter claimed she's never succeeded at anything and is afraid of success. She was crying as she told me this.
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We talked further, and I reminded her that she had succeeded at camp, and had been very happy and proud. She wanted me to send her to camp again this month. We also talked about what she could do with the money she makes. I suggested she could buy pop when she's out with her program and spend money on itunes.
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When she went to stay with some members while I was at a meeting yesterday evening, she was bragging about her micro enterprise. The woman is interested in seeing and purchasing Daughter's mini scrapbook. I've forwarded the reassurance and motivator to PM, and hopefully Daughter will now move forward with her project.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Food Issues
Yesterday evening I asked Daughter what she wanted for a bedtime snack. She informed me she couldn't eat, she'd just watch her blood sugar closely over night so she woulen't go low. I told her she needed a snack, and insisted she choose a snack, so she decided to have some cheese crackers.
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A few minutes later she got her long acting insulin out of the refrigerator. I was watching her reflection in the family room window, and saw her hide something in the hall. I told her to put whatever it was back in the refrigerator. She denied getting anything out of the refrigerator. I told her I knew she'd gotten something out, and would come get it myself. She then confessed that she'd gotten the leftover blueberry pancakes out of the refrigerator. She put them back.
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She'd just had a snack after insisting she couldn't eat one. She'd just had the blueberry pancakes for supper, and will have them again for breakfast. She wasn't hungry. Her food issues aren't about hunger or deprivation. It's a compulsion for her. I'm not even convinced it's about control, because I know there are times when she is into food and I don't know about it. When I find she's been into food, I point out I know. I don't yell, I don't criticize. I may say something along the line, "I'll be glad when you are working with me to keep yourself safe." I am intentionally very low key in my response. Sometimes I feel like this will never change.
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A few minutes later she got her long acting insulin out of the refrigerator. I was watching her reflection in the family room window, and saw her hide something in the hall. I told her to put whatever it was back in the refrigerator. She denied getting anything out of the refrigerator. I told her I knew she'd gotten something out, and would come get it myself. She then confessed that she'd gotten the leftover blueberry pancakes out of the refrigerator. She put them back.
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She'd just had a snack after insisting she couldn't eat one. She'd just had the blueberry pancakes for supper, and will have them again for breakfast. She wasn't hungry. Her food issues aren't about hunger or deprivation. It's a compulsion for her. I'm not even convinced it's about control, because I know there are times when she is into food and I don't know about it. When I find she's been into food, I point out I know. I don't yell, I don't criticize. I may say something along the line, "I'll be glad when you are working with me to keep yourself safe." I am intentionally very low key in my response. Sometimes I feel like this will never change.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Worship
Okay, I admit it. When it comes to worship, I have perfectionist tendencies. I want things to flow smoothly. I find it challenging to just go with the flow. That's not quite right. I am fine with incorporating interruptions and surprises that come up during the course of the service. In the planning, I focus on coordinating everything, flow, and anticipating challenges. Today five area churches worshiped together at a park. There were six ministers involved, which meant there were at least 7 opinions on everything. Coordination and communication were loose, and this morning was a little more chaotic than I like.
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It didn't help that Daughter was a grouch this morning. She was refusing to speak to anyone or shake any one's hand. She was afraid they'd catch her allergies. Of course she didn't believe me when I told her allergies aren't contagious. She checked her blood sugar three times during the worship service, frustrated at how stable (and in normal range) it was. The park was beautiful, and I had some good conversations. I will focus on that, and let go of the rest. I am grateful I didn't have to preach this morning.
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It didn't help that Daughter was a grouch this morning. She was refusing to speak to anyone or shake any one's hand. She was afraid they'd catch her allergies. Of course she didn't believe me when I told her allergies aren't contagious. She checked her blood sugar three times during the worship service, frustrated at how stable (and in normal range) it was. The park was beautiful, and I had some good conversations. I will focus on that, and let go of the rest. I am grateful I didn't have to preach this morning.
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Realizations
Sister Best Friend has encouraged me several times to update the information in the About Me and Important People and Places sections of my blog. So, I have done that. I realized as I did it that I don't have nearly as much contact with my siblings as I did when I was in Tiny Village. I thought when I moved closer, we would become closer. I may be seeing them a little more frequently, but I'm not talking to them nearly as often. Part of this is because we're no longer dealing with issues around our parents needs/death and our grief over it. It's been 2 years since Mom's death and almost 2 years since Dad's death. I woke up thinking about them this morning, so it's not like I've forgotten them, it's just that I'm no longer consulting/supporting as I was for so long.
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The other reason I'm not talking to them as frequently is simply a matter of time. I am much busier since I moved to Capital. Long drives on country roads used to be an opportunity to contact them. Now I spend very little time in the car. I'm not initiating calls, and when they call I'm often busy and have to get back with them.
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It's been almost a year since I received the call to become pastor of this congregation. It's been a good year, a busy year, and I'm very grateful that I am here serving these people.
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The other reason I'm not talking to them as frequently is simply a matter of time. I am much busier since I moved to Capital. Long drives on country roads used to be an opportunity to contact them. Now I spend very little time in the car. I'm not initiating calls, and when they call I'm often busy and have to get back with them.
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It's been almost a year since I received the call to become pastor of this congregation. It's been a good year, a busy year, and I'm very grateful that I am here serving these people.
Accidental Honesty
Daughter sent me a text yesterday afternoon about how she didn't feel good and couldn't stop shaking. I read it and realized that anxiety was contributing to whatever was going on, so I sent her reminders about how to soothe herself. I assured her she'd be okay, reminded her she'd be home shortly, and instructed her to take some deep breaths and listen to her Christian music to help her relax. I think she intended to respond, "It's not helping." What her text actually said, though, was "I'm not helping." Now that's honest.
Friday, August 5, 2011
A Day in the Yard
While I was mowing the lawn this morning, one of the saints called. She wanted to know if she could come work in my yard today. Did she think I'd say no?
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We worked together for about 4 hours in the back yard. Slowly but surely we're getting things cleaned up after several years of neglect. We did some weeding and trimming. We cut down all the weeds that were growing between some bushes and the fence. I moved some flowers.
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I enjoy working in the yard. I can see what I've accomplished, I know I've made a difference. I wish I could say the same for ministry. I am constantly sowing seeds, but most of the time I don't get to see them grow.
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Daughter did well until the end of the day. Once she got on the bus, she began texting me about how sick she was. I offered reassurance and suggestions, which wasn't what she was wanting. She survived the bus ride home and is now pouting in her bedroom.
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We worked together for about 4 hours in the back yard. Slowly but surely we're getting things cleaned up after several years of neglect. We did some weeding and trimming. We cut down all the weeds that were growing between some bushes and the fence. I moved some flowers.
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I enjoy working in the yard. I can see what I've accomplished, I know I've made a difference. I wish I could say the same for ministry. I am constantly sowing seeds, but most of the time I don't get to see them grow.
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Daughter did well until the end of the day. Once she got on the bus, she began texting me about how sick she was. I offered reassurance and suggestions, which wasn't what she was wanting. She survived the bus ride home and is now pouting in her bedroom.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
The First Week Back
Today was my final day in the office this week. It was a crazy week. There was the memorial service, newsletter, and a meeting tonight that took quite a bit of preparation. Poor Administrative Assistant went from shortened hours to 2 1/1 extra hours this week. The good news is we didn't have to do much preparation for this Sunday because it's a joint worship service in the park. The frustrating part of that is that it doesn't seem to be very well organized, and there are a lot of details that may or may not come together. A colleague is coordinating, so I'm doing my part and asking an occasional question.
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Daughter called several times today. I was in a meeting, so she wasn't getting the response she wanted from me, so she called Sister and hooked her in. I had to drag Daughter with me to the church for a meeting tonight. She commented on how long it had been since she'd been there and had fun exploring her drawer in my desk. She'd forgotten what was in it. She was very patient through a 90 minute meeting.
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Administrative Assistant asked her to help clean the church after an event next week. She'll get paid, and she's very excited about it. She said, "I'll have to do a good job, not the lazy screw up job I do at home."
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I'm looking forward to a quiet day at home tomorrow.
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Daughter called several times today. I was in a meeting, so she wasn't getting the response she wanted from me, so she called Sister and hooked her in. I had to drag Daughter with me to the church for a meeting tonight. She commented on how long it had been since she'd been there and had fun exploring her drawer in my desk. She'd forgotten what was in it. She was very patient through a 90 minute meeting.
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Administrative Assistant asked her to help clean the church after an event next week. She'll get paid, and she's very excited about it. She said, "I'll have to do a good job, not the lazy screw up job I do at home."
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I'm looking forward to a quiet day at home tomorrow.
A Morning Laugh
Yesterday afternoon we had a rather frustrating meeting. This morning I received this cartoon in my email. Administrative Assistant and I have printed it out, enlarged it, and placed it where we can see it. We both got a laugh out of it, and I suspect several others will, too. The good news is that the people who do it most often usually come around after their initial opposition to the new idea.
"
"
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
Last night I was tired when I finally sat down to write out the liturgy for today's memorial service. I was cutting and pasting when I apparently dozed off. When I woke up, I had over 200 pages of kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk in the document. Apparently I was hitting the ctrl key occasionally, because about once a page the paragraph I had been pasting appeared. I think I need to get more sleep.
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The memorial service did go well today. People thought I really knew her well. I was given good information. Members of the church were welcoming me back and telling me they'd missed me. That's nice to know.
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I was in a meeting late this afternoon when my cell phone rang. It was Daughter. She was home, over an hour early. I told the committee Daughter was home alone and I'd see them later (the meeting was winding down). It seems that there was a power failure at the facility that has the early route, so they ran the late route early today. It would be nice if they let me know about those things. I think she did okay while she was home alone. Her blood sugar doesn't show evidence of extra food.
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I think tonight I will go to bed early. Tomorrow we have to finalize the newsletter. I think I got most of the articles I needed to write done this afternoon.
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The memorial service did go well today. People thought I really knew her well. I was given good information. Members of the church were welcoming me back and telling me they'd missed me. That's nice to know.
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I was in a meeting late this afternoon when my cell phone rang. It was Daughter. She was home, over an hour early. I told the committee Daughter was home alone and I'd see them later (the meeting was winding down). It seems that there was a power failure at the facility that has the early route, so they ran the late route early today. It would be nice if they let me know about those things. I think she did okay while she was home alone. Her blood sugar doesn't show evidence of extra food.
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I think tonight I will go to bed early. Tomorrow we have to finalize the newsletter. I think I got most of the articles I needed to write done this afternoon.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
So Much for Summer Hours
Administrative Assistant has always cut her hours in the summer. Of course, this year, she wasn't able to cut them until July, when I was out of town. Today we were in the office together again for the first time since my vacation. She didn't leave at 1:00 today, as she did last month. In fact, she didn't leave at 3:00, which is her normal winter quitting time. It was 4:00 before she got away. It was another crazy day in the office, with lots of phone calls. The bulletin for the memorial service tomorrow is done, and I wrote some more newsletter articles. We'd like to have the newsletter out on Thursday. We're both grateful that we're having worship in the park this Sunday. I don't have to preach, and she doesn't have to worry about doing a bulletin.
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August is always a busy month. There is just so much to do as we get ready for the fall program to start in September. Since we're starting a number of new programs this fall, it is especially crazy. I don't think AA will be leaving at 1:00 this month.
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August is always a busy month. There is just so much to do as we get ready for the fall program to start in September. Since we're starting a number of new programs this fall, it is especially crazy. I don't think AA will be leaving at 1:00 this month.
Stories
Yesterday afternoon a young man called the church wanting information about it. They were looking for a church to join, and wanted to stop by and visit. I sat with this young couple for over an hour listening to their story. It's a story of pain and disappointment. Though neither grew up in the church, they are now recognizing their need and hope that by committing their lives to Christ they can find peace and navigate life's challenges a bit easier.
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I gave them a Bible and made some recommendations for them to begin reading. I gave them information about the church. I prayed with them. They plan to attend the church picnic this Sunday. She wants to join the choir, and they wanted to know how soon they could join the congregation.
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In the evening I met with the son and daughter of a woman who died last month. Her memorial service will be Wednesday. They told me a story of dysfunctional families and the challenges of growing up poor. We talked about their mother's flaws, and also about her strength. We talked about alcoholism, adoption, and abandonment. We talked about the faith of their mother, a faith that carried her through some pretty big challenges.
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We talked about her death, and her suffering in the hands of our health care system.
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Yesterday I heard stories of deep pain, and the hope that faith brings in the midst of suffering. As always, I was honored to be given the trust of family stories. Have I mentioned recently how much I love ministry?
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I gave them a Bible and made some recommendations for them to begin reading. I gave them information about the church. I prayed with them. They plan to attend the church picnic this Sunday. She wants to join the choir, and they wanted to know how soon they could join the congregation.
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In the evening I met with the son and daughter of a woman who died last month. Her memorial service will be Wednesday. They told me a story of dysfunctional families and the challenges of growing up poor. We talked about their mother's flaws, and also about her strength. We talked about alcoholism, adoption, and abandonment. We talked about the faith of their mother, a faith that carried her through some pretty big challenges.
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We talked about her death, and her suffering in the hands of our health care system.
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Yesterday I heard stories of deep pain, and the hope that faith brings in the midst of suffering. As always, I was honored to be given the trust of family stories. Have I mentioned recently how much I love ministry?
Monday, August 1, 2011
First Day Back
I'm back in the office, and have had a steady stream of members "stopping by" on errands. They all want to chat and welcome me back. I've enjoyed the conversations. It's good to be back in the office. Between visitors I've been sorting through a month's worth of mail. I spoke to one of the men about getting better locks for my pantry doors. He's going to talk to a friend who is a locksmith to get some suggestions. I have mixed feelings about the whole situation. If it weren't for the diabetes, I wouldn't worry about locking things up. Even if she would be honest with me about what she eats, I wouldn't have to lock things up. Regulating insulin without knowledge of the food she is eating is not only difficult, it's dangerous.
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This afternoon I'm writing notes to members who lost loved ones while I was away and newsletter articles. This evening I'll be meeting with a family to plan a memorial service for Wednesday. This Sunday we will have worship and a picnic in the park with our sister churches. I'm grateful, because it means I don't have to worry about a sermon this week.
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This afternoon I'm writing notes to members who lost loved ones while I was away and newsletter articles. This evening I'll be meeting with a family to plan a memorial service for Wednesday. This Sunday we will have worship and a picnic in the park with our sister churches. I'm grateful, because it means I don't have to worry about a sermon this week.
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