Reflections

I had two things I needed to have written for this morning: a sermon for today, and a meditation for an upcoming Wednesday evening Lenten service. I was really procrastinating on them, and I finally figured out why. The Wednesday evening meditation was closely connected to what I've been going through with Daughter. Once I finally did it, I found it helpful. I'm still processing the implications of what I read and wrote, but I want to share my reflections up until now.

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During Lent, our Wednesday evening services are based on Max Lucado's book Fearless. I was working on the meditation on The Fear of Disappointing God. As he talked about how our shame causes us to be afraid and leads to more sin which leads to more shame and fear, I recognized Daughter's downward spiral. Lucado points out that when Jesus heals the paralytic, he tells him not to be afraid, his sins are forgiven. He talks about how Jesus came to seek the lost sheep. He talks about the light of God's love.

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I began to reflect on light. We've all seen the old movies where the cops put the suspects in a chair and then shine a bright light on his face. The cops stand in the shadow and push the suspect, asking lots of questions. The suspect is supposed to be afraid, supposed to feel threatened. Too often I think this is what we fear it will be like to come into the light and stand before God.

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I was trying to think of a time when light is comforting. I began to think of a young child who has awakened from a nightmare, or is frightened of the dark. When the child cries out, a parent comes and turns on the light and offers comfort and reassurance. The child is soothed and feels safe. I remember one night being terrified of shadows in my room. My parents came in and showed me what was causing the shadows and that it was nothing to fear. I was able to sleep peacefully.

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I contrasted that to what I know of Daughter's early childhood. In the termination of parental rights case her brother testified that when Daughter would cry at night, their father would go in and back hand her. When she first came to me, she didn't make noise when she cried. I remember one night she'd fallen asleep in my office and I woke her up to go home. When I told her I was taking her home, tears began to roll down her face. She wasn't making a sound. It was chilling. I told her we were going home to see the kitty cat, and she brightened up. I realized she thought I had been talking about returning her to her family. From then on, I always talked about going home to the cat.

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Daughter's earliest memories of fear and the light coming on are not memories of comfort, they are memories of pain. I find myself pondering if this is why it is so frightening for her to face her sins. Daughter didn't learn that she could find comfort in her fear. Another memory: I was accompanying Daughter and her birth mother for a doctor's appointment. Birth mother took Daughter back to have her blood drawn. They had trouble finding a vein, and Daughter, who was 3, came out crying. Birth mother came out crowing about how Daughter was just like her, and they had trouble finding her veins, too. She wasn't touching Daughter. She wasn't comforting her. I was the one who offered Daughter comfort.

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Does Daughter remember these things? She couldn't tell you about them. But she learned on the most basic level that light during the night brings danger, not comfort. She learned that parents can't be trusted to provide her comfort. That parents can't be trusted. We were talking about it again yesterday. Something came up where it was obvious that she didn't trust me. She was apologetic. "It's hard to trust, I just can't do it." She's been with me for almost 20 years. The damage done in those first three years can never be completely healed.

Overcoming Inertia

Last Saturday I didn't accomplish much, so I was determined that today would be different. I also decided I wasn't going to react to Daughter. I got up and made her favorite breakfast, and she "didn't hear" me yell that breakfast was ready. Of course, she told me that Kitten heard me and was trying to make her get up. Yup, that makes sense.

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Anyway, I called her a couple of times, and when she didn't come I ate breakfast and put the leftovers away. When she finally came downstairs I went ahead and warmed up some breakfast. I think she was shocked and pleased that I didn't make her eat oatmeal since she ignored my shouts. It's about grace-- something none of us deserve. I think she was shocked that I didn't try to force her to get up. I spent the morning in the kitchen, cooking and cleaning. I'm making chili today. I have 4 pounds of dry pinto beans cooking on the stove and 4 1/2 pounds of seasoned ground turkey, onion, and green chilies in the refrigerator waiting for the beans to finish cooking. Most of the chili will go in the freezer-- some will be used with the tamales I made and froze. Some I'll put in portion size containers with macaroni, and we'll have chili-mac we can use for lunches.

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When Daughter finished eating, I asked her to put away the clean dishes. It took her forever, of course, but I intentionally didn't watch her so I wouldn't get frustrated. I pulled out my ipod and have been listening to sermon podcasts this morning. Listening to the sermon podcasts always is energizing and renewing.

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I talked to Nurse at Psychiatrist's office yesterday. Psychiatrist wants Daughter off the Depakote and is starting her on Trileptal. Nurse called in a prescription right after I got home from Town on terrible roads. This morning I woke up to a 4 foot snow drift against the garage door, but that has now been cleared, so we may make a run to Town today to pick up the prescription. Before we go to town, though, I need to get some work done on the sermon for tomorrow. Hopefully it will continue to be a productive day.

Five Days

They made it five days on time before the return of the bus delay this morning. Daughter and I couldn't figure out why the delay, but when I headed into town to take communion, I understood. The snow is blowing and the country roads are bad. I was on state routes all the way, and if I hadn't been meeting someone I think I would have turned around and come home. After taking communion to two nursing homes and stopping by the pharmacy and grocery store, I headed home, and the roads were even worse. As I drove slowly along I kept reminding myself that I saw a robin on Tuesday. Spring must be coming, because I saw a robin on Tuesday. Of course, the robins may all be frozen in a snow drift by the time spring gets here, but I did see one.

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On to more positive things. Our Wednesday night Lenten services are going well. We had more people here this past Wednesday than the week before. For the last hymn, we sang, "If I Were a Butterfly." This congregation isn't thrilled about learning new music, and it was an older group, so I wasn't sure how they'd respond to singing a kid's song. I chose it because it went so well with the theme for the evening. I don't know why I was worried. They loved it.

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I've recruited 2 young adult brothers to play the roles of the prodigal son and the older brother in worship on March 14th. I'll sit down with them and pick their brains, and then write a dialogue reflecting on the parable of the prodigal son. They will do a good job. I'm looking forward to working with them on it. We have been experimenting with different ways of Proclaiming the Word in worship, and the congregation loves these creative proclamations. I really enjoy coming up with the creative ideas and working with people to make them a reality.

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Daughter called around lunch time. She was working on a letter to Flasher about what had happened. Interestingly, she seemed to be more upset about the fact that he'd lied to her (it's been 2 days and his buddies haven't shown up) than the threat of sending people who were ready to be violent. Still, it's progress.

Escalating

Yesterday evening Daughter refused to do anything. She was obviously distressed about something, and I was obviously fed up. Not a good combination. Anyway, I finally lost my patience and yelled at her, pointing out (in more colorful language than I normally use) that I was behind on laundry because I was having to wash her linens every day because she was too lazy to get up at night to use the bathroom. (Interestingly, she didn't wet the bed last night.)

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This morning she came downstairs and was obviously wanting to turn it around and be responsible. I suggested a good way to start would be to tell me the truth about what had gone on with Flasher yesterday. Sigh. Apparently she has convinced him that I am so mean and unreasonable that he is planning to send his friends to come rescue her from this house. They will bring a gun and dogs and not leave until Daughter is safely out of my clutches. I asked her if she thought she'd be safer with Flasher. She told me several times in several different ways that she doesn't know what to think or believe any more.

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After she left, I called and left messages for both Case Manager and Therapist. I'm not worried about Flasher sending his friends to take care of me. He is all talk. I am concerned that someday Daughter may convince the wrong people of how evil I am. CM called me back. I shared the story. She shared my concern, and we decided if I didn't hear from Therapist by noon, I'd call again and see whether she was in the office today.

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So I was sitting over in the church office fighting with the computer. We were having a lively disagreement with one another on the placement of graphics in the newsletter. I think the computer had been taking lessons from Daughter, because it was becoming increasingly unreasonable. Case Manager called. Daughter had informed staff that I held her down last night and took a knife and cut her behind her knees. An inspection by the nurse showed there were no cuts, only dry skin. I told Case Manager to call Therapist, she did, and reached her using the emergency instructions. Therapist headed over to the workshop to assess Daughter.

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Therapist checked in with me, and told me I should keep my lunch date with a colleague, but it might be good to pack a bag for Daughter. I called and pushed my lunch date back by 30 minutes so I could win the battle with computer. Computer escalated again by messing with the address labels, but I made it to my lunch date only a few minutes late and with the computer beat into submission. At least I can still convince computer to do what I tell it.

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Therapist called me to tell me Daughter didn't meet the criteria for hospitalization (I suggested she could hospitalize me). Daughter told the story because she was mad at me for yelling at her. She was to apologize to all the people she'd told the lie. Daughter assured Therapist she had no intention of hurting herself or me. Daughter promised to let us know if she needed to be hospitalized. (She called me to tell me she did, and I told her she couldn't run away from her problems, and I knew it was uncomfortable, and we'd talk about whether she needed to go to the hospital when she got home.) Therapist scolded me for deciding not to go to the retreat Sunday afternoon.

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Case Manager called me. Daughter has apologized, and CM thinks they've convinced her she doesn't need to go to the hospital. CM said that Daughter is only part of the drama in the workshop right now, and that Boss is going to meet with everyone today and tell the to cut the drama and focus on their work. CM is escaping to Vegas tomorrow. We chose someone to be the point person on Daughter until CM gets back. Since Daughter is sticking by her story on Flasher, they are going to talk to him to hear his version of the story and explain to him that he can't make threats like that.

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I called Psychiatrist and talked to Nurse. I'm going to increase Daughter's Depakote tonight. Nurse will talk to Psychiatrist tomorrow (Psychiatrist was gone for the day.) I had hoped we'd be able to get Daughter off some of her meds, and was pleased that we were reducing the Depakote. I've surrendered. She needs the meds. I just hope that beginning to increase it will get her stable.

Today's Tall Tale

Daughter called me when she got on the bus to come home. She sounded down. "How was your day?"

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"It was terrible."

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"What made it terrible?"

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"I had to spend the day in hiding."

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"Who were you hiding from?"

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"Flasher."

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"What happened?"

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"He said he's getting two of his very good friends and sending them down here to hurt me."

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"Why is he doing that?"

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"I don't know."'

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"I hope this means you're through giving him a second chance. You are safe here, and no one is going to come here and hurt you. It won't happen."

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"He said they were bringing weapons."

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"You're safe. Nobody is going to hurt you here. I won't allow it."

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She got off the bus and is sleeping on the living room sofa. I will probably never know what really happened today. If we were still living in the inner city, I might be a bit concerned about the threats, but Flasher doesn't have any friends with the means or inclination to drive the 12 miles here to Tiny Village to do Flasher's bidding and hurt Daughter.

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I hope this means she's through with boy friends for a few weeks, at least.

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Case Manager checked out Daughter's story about the fight yesterday. Daughter finally backed down and admitted she was mad at the other girl, who had hurt her by some things she'd said, and was trying to hurt her back. Case Manager again cautioned her about the danger of false accusations.

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One of the reasons Daughter chose to go to the workshop today was because she thought they'd have their first work of the week. It didn't come in until the end of the day, so she was on down time all day. I suspect she's frustrated that she missed the senior luncheon and then didn't have the work she'd anticipated. I need to get her out of her pity poor me mode before we go over to the church tonight. I don't want her finding a sympathetic audience for her stories.

The Return of Routine

This was the 4th day in a row the bus was running on time for the workshop. Daughter chose to go to the workshop today rather than stay home to help with the senior luncheon, which surprised me. I think we are both grateful to see life becoming more predictable. The past two days have been wonderful days for me in ministry. Yesterday, after getting worship plans to Secretary for Wednesday and Sunday, I took communion two places. I had wonderful conversation with people in both settings. As I was leaving, one woman grabbed my hand and whispered, "I love you so much." I had arranged to take communion while she had family visiting from the other side of the country. It was a blessing to be able to share communion with them. I love her family, and because of funerals I've done have formed a connection with these people who live a very long way from here.

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We had a number of new people attend our senior luncheon today, which was wonderful. With that group, we are continually losing people to nursing homes or death, so we're always pleased when someone new shows up. I had made ham loaf and cheesy potatoes. They loved the ham loaf, and want me to put the recipe in the newsletter. These folks like the basic comfort foods, and I suspect they don't make ham loaf at home. It was something they had requested when we asked for menu suggestions last fall. One of our people made cheese cakes, which were wonderful. I think everyone ate too much. I washed the dishes and then left as they were beginning to play white elephant bingo, something they always enjoy. One woman had explained to me that she was making a real sacrifice, and she really didn't consider what she'd brought to be a white elephant gift. I told her it looked to be the size of a box of chocolates. She grinned. I suggested that maybe she could win it back.

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I always enjoy visiting with the seniors, and I think they were all hungry for the fellowship after several weeks of bad weather. It is snowing today, and I was afraid that might hurt our attendance, but they weren't going to let a little snow stop them today. I have 2 new names to add to our mailing list.. We send postcards out to announce the menu and program for the luncheons.

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Tonight we have a Lenten supper and worship at the church. It will be another good evening of fellowship and worship with people I love. I love being a pastor, even when I have to write a newsletter, which is my project for the rest of the afternoon.

A Champion Sneak

If Daughter applied her ingenuity to something constructive, there would be no stopping her. Some examples from a one hour time period today:

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She came home from work and claimed she was in a fight at the workshop. She says she got kicked and her ankle was injured. Interestingly, she didn't bring home an incident report and I didn't get a phone call. I doubt there was a fight.

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She was supposed to be putting her linens (yes, she wet the bed last night) into the dryer. It was too quiet. I went to investigate and she was on her way to her bedroom. By the time I got upstairs, she was standing there, the picture of innocence. She finally pulled a jar of low sugar grape jelly and a spoon out from under her bed.

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I have been impressed, because she has been taking the clean laundry upstairs right away without me bugging her. I've watched her walk by me carrying the basket with clothes on hangers hanging over the edges. It turns out that she was hanging up my clothes and occasionally a few of hers. She was wadding up the rest of the clothes and dumping them on the floor of her closet. I hadn't inspected her closet floor because I saw her taking proper care of the clean clothes (shows how much I know).

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I was making supper and the recipe called for saltine crackers. I couldn't find the plastic container of saltines. I was puzzled. When I was upstairs to get the jelly, I had double checked her other hiding places. Turns out she's found a new one in the upstairs TV room.

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She finally admitted why her blood sugar was high before supper yesterday. While she was getting some of her sugar free drink, she also helped herself to a large quantity of milk (drunk straight from the container. She's upstairs cleaning her bedroom properly. I've told her if she completes her chores, we'll watch a show we have on DVR.

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I'm not going to go on the retreat. There isn't time to adequately train staff people to handle Daughter. We're going to rewrite Daughter's ISP (individual service plan) to make her needs clearer.

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I will have respite for the following Saturday while I go to an interview. I'm telling Daughter I have a meeting. I hope that will make it easier if this is another church that doesn't come through.

Arrgh!

Daughter agreed to give Flasher another chance. She agreed to be his girlfriend. Case Manager, Therapist and I are not thrilled. She's not listening to any of us, of course. Since I won't transport her to see him and he's not allowed in our home, not much is going to happen. I told her it wasn't fair to Flasher. She just is determined she has to have a boyfriend. Anytime the boyfriend wants more than friendship, she panics.

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After her appointment with Therapist she came home and jumped on her chores. At least I can celebrate that.

Finally

The bus picked Daughter up on time this morning. Daughter called at lunch time, and she sounded chipper. I'd told her to call so that I could tell her what time I'd pick her up for her appointment with Therapist. She finally got to see Flasher, and said it was okay. She has been dreading his return for over 2 weeks, but due to weather today was the first day he was there.

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She wet the bed last night. Today's carrot is that if she does what she is supposed to do, we'll play with the wii tonight. She is now on track to get her DVD player back tomorrow evening. She's back to wanting it back. That's good.

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Case Manager called as soon as she got my email this morning. Supervisor is frustrated, because she trains staff and explains repeatedly what they need to do with Daughter, but they don't follow through. It looks like she won't be able to arrange respite so I can go to the retreat. I knew it was short notice. We'll see.

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Throughout this Lenten season, worship is focusing on the foundations of the faith. We're building the foundation, and yesterday the theme was remembering. One of our women painted some large cardboard boxes as the building blocks of our foundation. Only problem was, I got out into worship and realized I'd left the remembering block in the office. One of the board members went and got it for me. Of course, the board is giving me a very hard time about the fact I couldn't remember the remembering block.

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I heard from the church I've been talking to this morning. I'm one of two people they are considering. I'll go meet them and then they'll come here me preach. I should know something before Easter. As soon as the committee shows up in worship, people here will know I'm looking to move. I'd rather have the committee come here, though, than waste another of my few Sunday's off going elsewhere to preach for them. I also don't want to leave my people here during Lent. That's going to be a long time of uncertainty for Daughter (and me).

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God will provide the right place at the right time. Patience is one of the hardest lessons God teaches us.

Adapting

I'm always trying new ways of reaching Daughter. This morning was another fresh approach. When she woke up (and she didn't wet the bed last night!), I asked her what her goal was for the day. She wanted to go shopping. I asked for her list from yesterday, and came up with a task list. If she did her daily jobs (bedroom, cat boxes, helping with laundry), cleaned the half bath, and helped me clean the living room, we'd go to town after I finish with my 3:00 and 4:00 meetings.

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She looked over the list, and said, "Looks fair."

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She's working her list, pausing every so often to marvel, "I'm doing it, I'm being responsible!" I am praising her progress.

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We'll start every morning this week by naming a goal, and deciding how she can achieve that goal. I will post a calendar with the week's menu and a schedule of my evening commitments and her appointments.

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I will pray very hard that the buses are running and on time all week! I asked the kids during the children's sermon this morning if they were ready for a full week of school on time. There was a no. I asked them if there parents were ready for them to have a full week of school on time. Their yes was even louder, much to the amusement of the congregation.

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I have a youth group event next Sunday afternoon. I recruited a mom to take my place so I can go to the clergy women's retreat. So far, it's been a good day. I hope I didn't just jinx it!

Why I Get Frustrated

Daughter was running the vacuum in the dining room. This was the 4th task and would get her her half hour of TV. Two more tasks and we'd be headed to town. I told her to call me to come check her work before she put the chairs back under the table. It was obvious she had missed several areas, and I pointed them out to her. She argued not that she'd done it, but that cat hair was impossible to see. I left and she ran the vacuum some more. She put the chairs back under the table. I went and checked. Again, she'd missed the same spot. I moved the chair and grabbed the vacuum and in one swipe got rid of the cat hair. She was mad. I asked if this was the way she cleaned when she went out on a cleaning crew from the workshop. "No, then I do the cleaning properly."

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"So why don't you do it properly at home?"

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She even admitted that she had never run the vacuum over the place I had pointed out to her-- even after I pointed it out. She was becoming increasingly belligerent, so I finally told her to go to her room until she was ready to do her work properly. She started making phone calls-- seeking to get away from her unreasonable Mom. She came downstairs and was frustrated that I wouldn't let her go out with friends to deal with her stress. I pointed out that she hadn't completed her work. She insisted she was back down the deep hole and couldn't get out.

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She went and got her plan for the day. I pointed out that I had cut down the work that she had originally proposed. I pointed out how close she'd come to completing it. She did complete two more tasks and watched some TV with me.

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She is really struggling right now. I wish there was a way I could help her find stability. I have some ideas on how I'm going to work with her on expressing her desires for the day in the morning. Maybe if she can verbalize her needs first think in the morning, she won't need to be so manipulative and call wolf.

Do Over

Daughter came downstairs this morning and said we had to go to town today. When I asked why, she informed me she wanted to get stuff to make BLT's. I told her that the tomatoes we could get at this time of year weren't good for BLT's. Then she began spinning a tale of how sick she was-- she was literally burning up inside, and talked about how many people had been coming to the workshop sick.

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I pointed out that she'd gone from healthy enough to go to town to dying in very short order. I suggested that she was like the little boy who cried wolf, and that maybe the issue was she wanted some attention from me. She acknowledged I might have a point. I told her to go back upstairs and think about how she wanted to begin her day, then come back down and start over again. She didn't like that idea at all, of course, but I wouldn't engage her further, so she disappeared upstairs.

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She came back down, and we decided she'd come up with a plan and we'd negotiate how we'd handle the day. She is working now. When she completes 4 tasks, she gets to watch 30 minutes of TV. After completing an additional 2, we'll go to the grocery store. She's working on the 4th task right now.

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I received a packet of information about the church and community I've been talking to yesterday. It's a small town, but has much more to offer culturally than Tiny Village and even Town have. There are all kinds of art and music lessons available at an arts center. I was deciding which ones I'd want to take.

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Therapist told me that the man who called her for the reference check was quite excited about the resources that would be available for Daughter in their community. I'm cautiously excited, but there have been too many disappointments to start packing yet. I know that God will provide the right place at the right time.

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I think I'm looking forward to a fresh start as much as Daughter is. Even though I know this may not come through, I'm finding it harder to stay engaged here in Tiny Village. I think I need an attitude adjustment. Maybe that clergy women's retreat will provide just that.

One More Time

I have repeatedly explained that Daughter's psychological issues are her biggest handicap, and what needs to be done to help her feel safe. Yesterday was not the first time that the staff member assigned to care for Daughter has not done the things necessary to keep Daughter safe. One came and claimed to have no knowledge of Daughter's diabetic needs. She was accompanying Daughter to a Special Olympics event. I was not happy, to say the least. I don't think she's employed by them anymore.

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Anyway, I recognize that this retreat would be a wonderful gift for me, and that I need it. So, I sent this note to the woman who handles scheduling today, and also to her boss and Daughter's Case Manager. They have had some aides who have worked well with Daughter, but it has been very uneven. There is a liability issue for them, so I suspect that my note will prompt some scurrying and additional training for anyone who is going to be working with Daughter. At least I hope that is the case.

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Supervisor,

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I thought I was pretty clear that Daughter could not be left unsupervised in the kitchen. It was in the email, and I mentioned it to Aide a couple of times before I left last night. Daughter was alone in the kitchen, she got into food, and her blood sugar was 237 at bedtime, which is high. Beyond the damage the high blood sugars do to her body, there is an emotional issue.

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Safety is Daughter's number one need. With any staff person she is going to test to see if this individual can be manipulated. She's going to test to see if the person will keep her safe, especially from herself. If the individual flunks the test, Lena will not feel safe, and she will begin to spiral out of control.

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Not only did Daughter eat, she lied to Aide about having completed her chores, and Aide didn't check to see if she was being honest. One look at the bathroom when I got home showed that the sink, toilet, and floor had not been touched with any kind of cleaning product. She supposedly did the kitchen floor, but there was still dried mud on the floor.

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I would very much like to attend a retreat for women pastors at the end of the month. I really could use the break. However, if staff comes in and allows Daughter to manipulate them, she will be back in her downward spiral, which often leads to her cutting herself. Even with the knives locked up, she figures out ways to hurt herself.

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This is about Daughter having her psychological needs taken care of at all times. Her psychological issues are her biggest issues. She has to feel safe. She has to know who ever is with her is not going to allow her to manipulate them.

Now I'd like to get services for Sunday afternoon, February 28, (from about 1:00) through Tuesday morning, March 2 (until she gets on the bus). Is there staff available, and how do we assure that Lena gets the supervision she needs to keep her safe?

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Thanks,

RM

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Daughter came home spinning a tale about sexual harassment at the workshop. I told her what I thought was going on, and she acknowledged that she wasn't being completely honest. We then got down to the fact that she's feeling pretty bad about herself right now because of the choices she made last night. She thinks she's in the hole deeper than ever. I suggested she'd fallen back a couple of steps, but this time she knew how to stop it before she got in too deep. She's gone upstairs to take care of some of the things she needs to do-- at least I hope that's what she's doing. I found food in her bedroom again today, and I also discovered she'd lied to me about taking a shower this morning. She was definitely on her way back down. I just hope she is going to turn it around now....

An Evening Out

My "date" stood me up. Her first grandchild was born prematurely today. I guess that's a legitimate excuse. I went alone. I went to a pizza buffet, and pre-concert lecture about the music, and then the concert. It was wonderful.

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Daughter sat in the study and listened and I called several people, seeing if there was someone else who would like to go with me. It was interesting to watch her. She didn't say anything, but I could tell it was bothering her. I observed that it must be hard, watching me look for someone to go with me, and knowing she couldn't go. I said it was too bad she'd told me she didn't want to go, and she probably hadn't wanted me to take her seriously and leave her home. She looked down, and acknowledged I was right.

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I got a text at bedtime-- Daughter's blood sugar was sky high. I knew immediately what had happened. I had been very clear that she could not be alone in the kitchen. She was alone in the kitchen. She got in the refrigerator. She had to do two chores to watch TV. She told the aide she'd done them. She didn't. But her lie earned her TV for the evening.

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There is a retreat for women clergy coming up at the end of the month, and I have been considering getting respite and going, but now I wonder. If the supervision is so lacking for a single evening, how can I leave for 2 days? I'll talk to Therapist about it tomorrow. For now, I'm going to enjoy the memories of a wonderful evening.

Real Progress

Daughter came out of her bedroom this morning with the things she needed to take a shower. It was the first time she hasn't lied to me about wetting her bed. She waited patiently upstairs until I was ready to go downstairs for breakfast. She was cooperative and affectionate. Her wet linens are in the washing machine. She is on the bus headed to the workshop, it was an hour late, but it came!

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I am realizing the things I can't do because my laptop is in the shop. I couldn't get my email to download on our desktop at home, so I checked it as web mail here from the church. I had a request for additional information from the church that checked my references. I am getting the material out to them.

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For our Wednesday evening Lenten services this year, we are using material from Max Lucado's book Fearless. The first one was last night, and it went very well. This is a busy time of the year, and the loss of my laptop complicates things, but it will work out. Tonight I have a concert, and will be able to forget about everything. I'm looking forward to it.

Daughter Is Right

For months Daughter has been telling me there is something wrong with the desktop computer and it's very slow. I'll confess that I blew her off. I seldom use the desktop, so I wasn't too worried about it. Well, with my laptop in the computer hospital, I've been forced to use it. She's right.

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Being without my computer is a pain. I don't have any software on this computer, so anything involving word processing has to be done over at the church. I'm hoping I'll get good news tomorrow afternoon and I'll have my laptop back soon. I'm also hoping the buses will be running tomorrow. I won't even complain if they are on delay as long as they come take Daughter off to the workshop.

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All things considered, she did pretty well today. She hasn't done much with her steps today, so she may not have her DVD player back on Friday. Hopefully the aide will get her motivated tomorrow. Part of the issue is that since she can't be home alone and I can't work on the computer at home, she spent much of her day doing nothing in the church office. She is being very affectionate, which is much nicer than the name calling and threats.

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Considering the fact I'm going through laptop withdrawal and Daughter has been off her normal schedule for over a week, we're doing pretty well.

Withdrawal

Last night I was sitting on the couch, watching the Olympics, cruising on-line when suddenly my laptop shut down. It won't restart. I think I am going through withdrawal. I had to write my notes for upcoming sermons by hand. I couldn't keep track of cancellations today via my computer. I actually had to call the workshop to find out they'd gone from a delay to being closed.

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I had breakfast scheduled with a young woman, so we dropped Daughter at the workshop, ate breakfast, dropped my computer at the computer hospital, picked up Daughter, and came home. Now I'm sitting here in the church office trying to decipher my hand written notes.

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Daughter was grateful for a little bit of time with her friends today. Supposedly they will have a diagnosis on my computer by tomorrow afternoon. The breakfast and conversation were good. She is trying to climb out of her hole, but there will be some work involved and she doesn't like work. I unreasonably don't consider the kitchen floor done when there is still cat food on it. She has until Friday to get it right.

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I will be going to the Gershwin evening with a member of the church tomorrow evening. She has been under some stress lately, and really wanted to go to this concert but couldn't afford a ticket. I told her it would be an evening away from daughters, work, and all stress. Daughter was rather shocked when I told her she'd be staying home with an aide. I reminded her that she had told me she didn't want to go to the concert, so she wasn't going. She hasn't said anything, but I know she's disappointed. She really does enjoy the concerts, and would have loved this one. Maybe next time she'll remember to be grateful and not complain when I buy concert tickets.

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We're both in a better place today, even with my laptop issues. Hopefully things will continue to improve.

Insights into Daughter

I braved the rotten roads (I understand why the workshop closed) and took Daughter to see Therapist. They talked about how Daughter got down in her deep hole. None of her issues right now have anything to do with me. Therapist pointed out to her that her current behaviors would dig her a hole no matter where she lived. Daughter acknowledged that reality. However, there are some new insights:

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Therapist had talked to Case Manager, who stated that Daughter had really thought I was going to get the church I met with at the end of last month. She was very disappointed. CM thinks that Daughter saw a move as an escape from all the difficult situations she's created and the ongoing drama at the workshop.

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Daughter recently began working on a scrap book again. I took this as a positive sign, that she was following through on something. Unfortunately, her focus had been on pictures that were connected to her birth family. That was a major trigger for her. It reinforces our decision not to allow any contact with her birth family.

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Once Daughter starts in on the behaviors (sneaking food, lying, refusing to do chores) that start the descent into the hole, she begins to feel guilty. She deals with the guilt by yelling at me, which increases the guilt and pushes her deeper into the hole.

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She knows the stealing was wrong, and of course that created more guilt, more yelling, a deeper hole. She hurts herself in an attempt to deal with her guilt. The good news is that she does have a conscience.

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She wants to earn her electronics back. She has a list of chores she needs to do by Friday. If she completes the cleaning chores and keeps her room and litter boxes clean and her laundry put away for 3 consecutive days, I will return her DVD player.

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Case Manager offered emergency respite. It would be in the home, so I'd have to leave. I don't want to go stay in a motel right now. The closest motel is over 12 miles away, and with the uncertainty of the weather, that doesn't sound like a good idea. I have too much to do to get very far away.

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I have tickets for an evening of Gershwin music Thursday. I've sent an email off to see if I can arrange respite for that evening so that I can take someone else or go alone. I haven't heard back on that.

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Things are looking very promising on the church about 50 miles from here. Therapist is one of my references-- I used her as a community leader. She talked to the church today (and was probably the last of my references they checked). He told her that the references had all been wonderful, the people in the church were sad to think I might leave, which he thought was impressive after over 13 years, and that they are meeting tomorrow night and will make a decision then on how to proceed. She called me right away to tell me about the call-- she knew I needed some good news, and that certainly qualified as good news. If we do move, I think for a while I'd make the drive to bring Daughter back to see Therapist. It would be about an hour, I think, and it would be worth it if it would ease Daughter's transition. Of course, she'd have to be coping well enough she didn't need multiple appointments in one week like she has recently....

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Since Daughter needs immediate reinforcement and Friday and the possibility of getting her DVD player back are a long way off, Therapist made her a chart of steps out of the hole and stickers to mark her progress. Daughter has begun work on her chores, and seems to be working to get herself out of that hole. I hope she doesn't get overwhelmed but will continue to be motivated.

Consequences

Daughter came down this morning with a cheery, "Good morning!" I asked if she'd wet the bed last night.
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"No, Ma'am."
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"I will go check."
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She looked away.
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"Go bring your wet things down and put them in the washing machine and get in the shower."
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First outburst of the day. It was her life and she didn't care she wasn't going to do it.
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She did. She came down and told me she'd plugged the toilet. Yesterday she indicated she wasn't having any issues with constipation. Fortunately, I anticipated this and started her back on miralax last night. I don't know how I'd gotten out of the habit of giving it to her. Last week's snow just threw my whole routine off. Anyway, with her back on it hopefully I'll be done with the plunger for a while after I get the upstairs toilet cleared.

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She has yet to apologize for stealing the money from me. I decided she needed to experience some pain, so I told her to bring me her Nintendo DS and her portable DVD player. That prompted screams of outrage and earned me some colorful names. I informed her stealing had consequences, and that eventually she could earn them back. She still doesn't get it. I told her she had a lot to make up to me, and she would begin by putting all the clean dishes away. She has been refusing to do her jobs. Now I'm sitting here in the kitchen supervising while she puts them away. I've realized that I need to keep her on a very short leash right now, so she will be in her room or where I can see her when she's home. She won't like that, and I'll like it even less. Right now, the workshop is on still delayed an hour. Closings are beginning to be posted south of us. I hope the closing stay south.

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Daughter has informed me that Therapist is arranging things and she's leaving things because she doesn't have to put up with me. I told her it would be nice not to have to lock everything up. Have I mentioned that I need the workshop to be open today?

Crossing a Line

The day has not gotten much better. Daughter called Therapist and told her she needs a new family. I had to go get my stitches out from my carpal tunnel service, and then we went to the warehouse store. Daughter watched me carry all the groceries in and put them all away alone. She hid in her room all afternoon while I worked in the kitchen. She got mad when I told her to make her bed.

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She apologized for her behavior, but has refused to turn it around. All day I had the nagging feeling that I was missing some money. This evening I finally sat down and rechecked. One week ago today, I had withdrawn $200 from the bank. We'd gone out to eat a couple of times, but we'd also been snowed in for several days. It seemed like I should have more than $30 of that left. So I called Daughter out of bed, and told her I was missing money. I asked her if she knew anything about it. She didn't respond. She looked away. I said, "Go get it." She brought down $100. I'm not convinced that's all of it, but she says it is.

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Her goal is to find a new family. That's why she took the money. She's getting rid of me because Sister is finally getting a place of her own after living with her ex-husband for over 3 years. They are way under water on their house, but Sister is finally willing to walk away from it, and now has the resources to move out. Daughter is upset because she doesn't think it is fair to Niece for Sister to take her and move out. So Daughter is going to deal with her frustration at Sister's moving out by following her example and moving out herself. Makes perfect sense.

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She crossed a line when she stole money from me. I'm not sure where to go from here. I'm running out of places to lock things up. I'm tired of having to keep everything locked up. I'm tired of hearing the door alarm every time she opens her bedroom door. It's been snowing this afternoon and evening. There had better not be a delay or cancellation tomorrow. I need that bus to come get her on time and take her away from me.

Bed Wetting

This morning is one of those rare mornings when I am angry. I should put a warning sign around my neck, though I think Daughter has figured it out by now. Daughter has been wetting the bed. I have checked her twice for UTI's, but those are negative. I have her on cranberry capsules as a preventive, so I didn't think we'd be able to find an easily fixed cause.

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Yesterday morning when I opened her bedroom door, she was sleeping on the floor. I asked why she was on the floor and if she'd wet the bed. She assured me she hadn't wet the bed, she was on the floor because her hip was bothering her. I went in and pulled back the blanket on her bed, and it was wet. I pointed out the lie and told her to throw all the wet things in the washing machine.

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At bedtime last night she'd "forgotten" to remake her bed. I told her to get busy and get it done.

I also told her to make sure she went to the bathroom before she went to bed, and told her I'd wake her up when I went to bed to go again. After she'd gone to bed, I went out to the laundry room and discovered that the laundry she'd supposedly taken care of had been dumped in a laundry basket with one dress laid over the top on a hanger. Of course it was all wrinkled, and of course some of the clothes are my dress clothes. I considered waking her up and making her come down and deal with it, but decided against it. I considered doing it myself, but decided against that, as well.

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Two hours after she went to bed I went upstairs and woke her up. She kept ignoring me, and I was very angry by the time she came out of her bedroom. She had already wet the bed. I told her to put all the wet stuff in the bathtub, and get an old towel to put over the wet mattress pad so she'd have a dry place to sleep. She stood at the linen closet door forever. I asked what she was doing. "Looking for an old towel."

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"Grab one of the blue ones and get back to bed!"

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So, this morning when I got up, the bathroom stunk of urine. I opened the door to her bedroom and a brand new towel is over the wet spot and Daughter is sleeping on the floor. She says she didn't wet herself after she got on the floor. I'm too disgusted to see if that's true or not. I hope she didn't urinate all over the carpet. I told her to get up and get the wet stuff in the washing machine and herself in the shower. She took a very brief shower, so she still stinks of urine. I'm sick and tired of it all.

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Why is she doing this? She's scared about the possibility of moving. Last night she told me we should just pack up everything and move this week. "Where are we going to move?" She didn't have an answer, of course. I have patiently explained to her that a move change the important things: we'll still be together. We'll have the same furniture and clothes. Cat and Kitten will still be annoying. I've reminded her of previous moves, and how they went well.

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She told me last night she needed to be in the hospital overnight and threatened to hurt herself if I didn't take her. She claims she's hearing voices. Therapist and I are in agreement that she is not psychotic right now. I can tell when she's psychotic. Her blood sugar was mysteriously high this morning, so I'm going to need to go search her room for food. I'm also going to have to keep her in my line of vision all day. It's going to be a very long day....

Sunday Morning

Today was one of those days when I was reminded how blessed I am to be serving God in ministry. People come early here to speak to the pastor, because years ago the pastor left immediately after worship to go preach in another church. So, this morning before worship I met the Daughter of one of our newer members. She's visiting from a distant state. I talked to a man who has been interviewing for a new job that would give him more responsibility and better hours. He should have a final answer this week. I welcomed home a woman who just returned from a month with her daughter. While she was away, her son needed bypass surgery. She called me asking for prayers for him. She was so happy as she reported that he was recovering well and told her he's feeling much better now.

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I talked to a woman who brought her son home from prison this week. He was diagnosed with hep c while he was in prison. He has no insurance. She's disabled. Because he lives with a parent and their household income is over $300 a month, he's not eligible for medicaid. She's worried about how he will be able to get the treatment he needs. I spoke with a mother who finally convinced her uninsured daughter to go to urgent care this week for antibiotics after she'd been sick for over a week. I suggested a clinic in Town that takes people without medical coverage. I talked to a woman whose son-in-law committed suicide several weeks ago. She had a thank you note from her daughter, and asked me where she could get a copy of the book I had given her daughter. Her daughter has found it to be very helpful, and she wanted one to read. I told her I had another copy of the book in my study, and to see me after worship and I'd give it to her.

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I led worship, and the junior choir sang today and did a great job. It was wonderful to see our young children so excited about singing about God's love. This morning we celebrated Christ's Transfiguration, and I talked about recovering our sense of awe at the immensity and power of God. Following worship a woman tracked me down to share a story about her mother, and how God had worked through her. I love it when people take the sermon and make connections with their own lives. I delivered the book to the grieving mother-in-law and talked a little more with her about her grief and how the family is coping. I reassured a woman who is being tested for sleep apnea. I talked with a family about setting up baptism for their daughter.

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Then I worked with a couple of people on our Ash Wednesday service. I had a conversation with a woman who was back after missing several weeks. I had smiled when the family came in, because it was obvious their youngest son, who is a hand full, had not had a good morning. I shared my observation, and we spoke briefly about the joys of parenting. I spoke with a man who works in protective services, and wanted to know if it was okay if he brought in information about becoming a foster parent. We talked briefly about the brokenness of the system.

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These are just a few of the encounters and conversations I had this morning. I came home grateful for the privilege of serving these people as their pastor. Daughter and I went to Town. After a fast food lunch, we went to see the movie The Tooth Fairy. She wanted to see Dear John, but I wasn't ready for an emotional movie, so we went to a fun one. Since we've been home, I've cleaned the kitchen and made a french toast strata for tomorrow's breakfast. Now, I'm relaxing in front of the TV watching the Olympics. I think Daughter is taking a nap. It's been a good day, and I'm looking forward to a good week.

An Easy Decision

I was struggling about whether I was going to accompany Daughter to state basketball skills or let the respite provider do it. Today she made the decision easy for me. She got a silver medal today, and she pouted and refused to talk to her friends and was sitting on the floor in front of me leaning heavily on me. She refused to smile for the pictures. If I hadn't been there, I'm sure she would have been a much better sport. She refused to wear her silver medal. There was no talking her out of her bad mood.

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So, I'm going to stay home and let the respite provider take her. I don't need to listen to her whine, and I suspect if I'm not there, she won't whine. I will have a Saturday all to myself while she goes to state. I'm looking forward to it.

Olympics-- Winter and Special

I'm sitting here watching the opening ceremony for the Winter Olympics. Daughter watched part of it with me, but then decided she needed to go to bed so she'd be ready for her Olympic event tomorrow morning. It's the area competition in basketball skills. Fortunately, our county is hosting it, so we'll only have to drive about 10 miles.

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Daughter was watching me like a hawk tonight. Would I show any sign of emotion? She waits for me to tear up, and then demands to know if I'm okay. I assure her I am, but she never believes me. She worries, and is very in tune with my mood and health. It's probably the most obvious residue of her hyper vigilance. When she first came to live with me, she couldn't handle having her bedroom door closed (I wouldn't have been able to use a door alarm then). I couldn't walk by her room at night without her waking up terrified. I celebrated the first time I walked into her room after she was asleep and she didn't wake up. For years, she'd wake up screaming almost every night, especially if there was any disruption in her routine.

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She may have watched me like a hawk this evening, but she went up to bed and closed her bedroom door. She won't wake up screaming tonight. Tomorrow she will go out and participate in Special Olympics. The opening ceremony won't be as lavish (or long) as tonight's, but the athletes will be every bit as thrilled when they go home with their medals and ribbons.

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The church that is checking my references supports Special Olympics as a mission project in their local area. They started what has become the programs for the developmentally disabled in their county. The man who talked to my friend yesterday saw their advocacy and Daughter's need as a sign that God had connected us. I'm trying not to get too excited. There have been too many disappointments. God will call me to the right place at the right time.

Sex Offenders

Daughter called me after lunch today. She was crying because of conversations that had taken place during lunch. It seems that one of her friends (a former boyfriend, though not one I've talked about on the blog) is in trouble with the law. He was sexting-- to a very young teen. Her friends were talking about how he would be going to jail. When I hear these stories, I'm very grateful that I blocked all messages on Daughter's cell phone. I had them blocked after she began subscribing to premium texting services.

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I'm sad for the young man involved. He is in supported living, and doesn't have a relationship with either of his parents. He had surgery over a year ago and neither one of them visited him. We need to do a better job of providing guidance and supervision for these young men-- they have all the hormones and urges, but not the understanding or maturity to rein it in.

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I'm concerned for the young girl who has been exposed to things she should never have seen. I hope she is being properly cared for and supported.

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I find myself pondering the fact that the majority of the men Daughter has dated are now (or will be) registered sex offenders. She went to proms with two different boys. They are both on the registry now. A guy she saw for a while several summers ago is on the registry. Now, it sound like this young man may end up on the registry.

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In two cases I blame the system-- these were young men who were developmentally handicapped. At age 18, they were considered adults and thrown out into the world to make it on their own. Neither one was equipped for this, and it was inevitable that they would end up in trouble.

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I also find myself pondering the fact that Daughter, who was a victim, is now attracted to offenders. I keep telling myself that part of the issue is the fact that she has so few options. Part of the issue is that we live in a county with a very high rate of sexual abuse. However, there is no denying that part of the issue is that she is drawn to what she knows. For now, I work very hard at keeping her safe. The day will come, though, when she will be living away from me. I find myself wondering who will keep her safe then....

Back to the Workshop

The snow has now cleared enough that Daughter was able to go the workshop this morning. The bus was on an hour delay, but it came. Two days of cancellations were hard on both of us. Daughter has developed a theory about the source of her stomach upset the other day. She has decided that she is pregnant. We've gone through this before, though it has been a while.

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"Have you had sex?"

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"No."

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"Then you aren't pregnant."

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"I could be."

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"You can't get pregnant if you haven't had sex."

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"But when Flasher flashed me he got close to me."

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"You aren't pregnant."

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"I still think I should do a test."

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Is it her intellectual limitations or her mental illness that make her so certain that she's pregnant? I don't know. What I do know is that I'm very grateful she's back at the workshop and I had a very productive morning without her here. Now I'm going to head to City to visit one of the saints in the hospital.

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Small Town is continuing to check my references. I think that's a good thing.

It's Official

Daughter came in with the mail today and said, "Mom, you got a letter from State." I knew immediately what it was. It was a letter from the church I interviewed with the last weekend in January telling me they were going to continue their search. Daughter was quite anxious as I opened the letter and scanned it. "Well?" I handed her the letter, and she read it. She was crushed. I thought I had explained to her that I wouldn't be going to that church, and that it was a good thing. I guess hearing it and seeing it in writing are two different things.

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The snow has now stopped and the wind has calmed down. I hope that means that Daughter will be back at the workshop tomorrow. We both need a return to routine.

The Search for a new Church

Yesterday I had a phone interview with a church about 50 miles from here in Small Town. They are in a different state and a different regional group. The congregation is a little smaller than the congregation I'm serving here. Tiny Village has 160 residents, Small Town has 6,000. Daughter could stay with Psychiatrist. I would be about an hour further away from family. The congregation was instrumental in starting the sheltered workshop in their community, and support Special Olympics. Small Town has been calling my references today.

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I think this is a good thing. I think it might be fun. The search process is hard. I'm planning for ministry here, while trying to discern if God is calling me elsewhere. It becomes a roller coaster ride. It's hard on me, and even harder on Daughter. Tomorrow is another snow day. Snow days are hard on her, too....

Identifying the Triggers

Therapist did her job and helped Daughter identify the triggers for her latest round of acting out. In addition to the drama at the workshop, there were three things that set her off: on the 31st we worked on inventorying my parents' treasures that were stored in Brother's attic. On February 4th I had carpal tunnel surgery. On February 8th I turned 52. Her conclusion: I'm going to die. Therapist reassured her that I'm not going to die anytime soon. She said statistically each generation lives 10 years longer, so I'll be around for a long time yet. She got a promise out of Daughter not to hurt herself. She wants to see Daughter again Thursday evening. If we're still snowed in, she'll check in with Daughter via the phone.

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Therapist also confirmed what I has suspected: Daughter is not sleeping well at night. I started her back on the trazadone last night. Hopefully with more sleep and the reassurance that I'm not going to die anytime soon, she will improve. I don't think I'll tell her that I feel like I'm developing the stomach flu.

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We are now supposed to get 8-12 inches of snow. The majority of the school districts have announced they will be closed today. A few of the more optimistic ones are on 2 hour delays. The snow just began, do they really think the roads will be better in 2 hours? I've been awake since 4:00. I finally gave up trying to get back to sleep at 5:00. It looks like it's going to be a long day.

Discoveries

While I am now allowed to get my hand wet and shower and such, I am not supposed to submerse my hand in water for another 10 days. Today I finally gave up on the idea that Daughter would help me out by washing the dishes that don't go in the dishwasher, so I donned rubber gloves and tackled the dirty dishes on the kitchen counter. I also decided to make more jello with fruit in it. I was very frustrated when I couldn't find the can opener. I finally started using a bottle opener to punch holes in the can of peaches. As I was pondering where the can opener could be, I suddenly knew. I went upstairs and opened the drawer of Daughter's nightstand. There, amid a bunch of spoons, an empty simply fruit jar, an empty fudge jar and an empty pineapple can, was the can opener. Now I'm concerned that I've been giving her too much insulin, as her blood sugars have been decent in spite of the extra food.

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I am so tired of all of this. On closer examination of her wrist and neck it became obvious that she has been using her razor on them. It makes no sense to me, but then, very little of what Daughter does makes sense to me. She sees Therapist tonight, and Therapist thinks it may be time for her to call and consult with Psychiatrist.

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We woke up to fog this morning, so the workshop was delayed. I decided to take her to the workshop. I had to take back roads, as the state route was closed due to a major accident (most people would consider the state route back roads, but it is clearer than back roads) I'm going to have to pick her up, too, since they ended up closing (which means the preschool is closed and there isn't transportation for adults, but they can still come). They are predicting 6-10 inches of snow beginning tonight and into tomorrow, so I suspect the workshop will be closed several more days. If we get that amount of snow, I will not be taking her in, as our country roads will be drifted shut.

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She has called me a couple of times today, trying to convince me she can't stay. The Flasher didn't show up because the buses weren't running, but she has still worked herself into quite a state over his planned return. Right now, I don't want her near me. I'll get over it, but I am so frustrated with the lying and sneaking. The scary thing is the way she continues to escalate. I find myself wondering what will be next.

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Did I mention that today is my birthday? I'm going to spend most of it in the car: took her to the workshop (12 miles from here) this morning. Went to the grocery store to prepare for the next storm. Dumped the groceries at home and headed in the other direction for lunch with a friend (10 miles from here). Now I'm home, but will leave shortly to pick Daughter up. We'll come home for supper, and then I'll take her back to town to see Therapist (11 miles from here). I should probably stop and get gas while I'm in town this next time. I should keep the tank full with a major winter storm coming. After we get home I have a phone interview scheduled with a church. That will increase Daughter's anxiety.

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I'm ready for spring. Of course, then we'll be dealing with fog delays and cancellations. Maybe in my next church the workshop will be within walking distance-- then she can go no matter what the weather.

Getting Back into the Routine

I have not been able to get back into the routine since we came back from our trip Wednesday night. Of course, Thursday I had surgery, and that has added to the challenge of getting back into the routine. I can now get my hand wet, but I still can't immerse it in water to wash dishes. I'm not supposed to do that for 2 weeks.

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While my hand is healing well, and I'm not having much pain, it is definitely weak and there are things I'm just not able to do right now-- some of them surprising. Today I'm finally able to button blue jeans, which makes life easier.

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Daughter is into food again, and there were tears yesterday when she had to confess that she'd eaten one of the cans of frosting she'd bought to frost my birthday cake. We have another snowstorm on the way, and I fear that the workshop will be delayed or closed all week. I have much I need to accomplish as Lent is rapidly approaching, and the house still isn't completely back together from the windows and now the wall repairs (which aren't completed).

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Daughter is stressed about Flasher's return tomorrow. Tonight she's claiming that the voices have told her to use her razor to hurt herself. She's pointing to a rash on the back of her neck as evidence of this. I'm skeptical. I don't think she's used her razor. I don't think she's hearing voices. I do think she's anxious about Flasher's return. I'll let Therapist sort her out tomorrow evening. For now, I'm grateful the knives are locked up.

The pre-Valentine Hunt

Daughter came home yesterday and announced she had agreed to be J's girl friend. I asked her why, and it had to do with the fact that he doesn't like Flasher, either. So, I reminded her of her history with J. We also had a crisis some time back because he was poking and touching her in ways that were reminiscent of the way her molesters had-- he wasn't molesting her, just touching her in the way that eventually led to molesting from family members. She had forgotten all of this, of course. She asked if she could get back with NG. I pointed out that wasn't fair to NG, who wants to get married. I told her we'd do a special mother-daughter thing for Valentine's Day.

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She wasn't convinced. I told her, as I have before, that I can't control who she sees, and if she chooses to stay with J, I can't stop her. I told her that he would not be welcome in our home, and I would not take her to see him. She is concerned about Flasher's return. She said Case Manager had some good ideas, but they were private.

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We got some snow last night. Not as much as they did some places, but enough that most events scheduled for today are canceled. Our challenge is drifting snow. The land is very flat, and the wind is strong. Part of my driveway is completely clear-- until you come to the drifts that are over 3 feet deep. It's going to be cold all week, and we have more snow predicted. I predict the workshop will be on a delay all week and closed at least one day. Fortunately, Daughter is more stable and is handling disruptions in her routine better these days.

A Call from the Workshop

I received a call a little while ago from Daughter's Case Manager, who also had the two workshop bosses in her office. Flasher is returning to the workshop Monday, and they were trying to figure out how to handle that with Daughter. I'm grateful that they called me. We discussed strategies for equipping Daughter.

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CM gets Daughter, and for that I'm very grateful. The biggest challenge is timing-- Daughter is trolling for a boyfriend in preparation for Valentine's Day. We decided that I would plan some fun Mother and Daughter thing for Valentine's Day to take her mind off romance. I think she's in a better place to deal with this right now. I hope, anyway. CM was going to talk to her today and help her make a plan for how she will deal with Flasher when he returns.

Limitations and Abilities

Daughter came down a little while ago and announced that she had found her birth mother on the internet. Now Daughter has an IQ of 68. BM's name is common, so I was skeptical, but sure enough, she had the right town and the right age. I didn't know she knew the town BM lived in. The last time she had contact with BM, we had a series of 3 psychiatric hospitalizations over the course of the next couple of months. Every mention of BM since has caused psychotic episodes. We (Therapist, Psychiatrist and me) finally told her she couldn't have contact with BM.

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It might be good that I had a Vicodin before the conversation. I calmly reminded her what happened last time she had contact with BM. I reminded her that she is safe here. I told her contact with BM is not a good idea. She is thinking about BM because I had surgery today and she is scared. She's afraid I'm going to die or something, which has her thinking about the mom she lost.

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I won't forbid her from contacting BM. I am encouraged that she came to tell me about it before she picked up her cell phone to call BM. At this point I guess the important thing is to keep her talking to me about it. It would be nice if she applied the same skill and ingenuity to other things that she applied to her internet search tonight. Now it's time for another Vicodin and bed....

Carpal Tunnel

This afternoon I had surgery on my right wrist for carpal tunnel. I couldn't believe how easy it was. Of course, my hand is still numb, so I may feel differently when the anesthesia wears off and I can feel it again. The windows are are almost done-- one left to do tomorrow. They also decided to repair a couple of cracks. The cracks turned out to be a bit more than they anticipated. The top one is the vestibule. The bottom one is the guest room.

A Good Laugh

I came across this tonight, and I figure all mothers will appreciate it. Just think, this was probably even a normal teenage girl!

Better

KJK and I were talking today. Daughter is doing better. Aside from wetting herself occasionally, she is really in a better place. She was not clingy while we were gone. She was able to entertain herself. She didn't complain and whine, in fact she was remarkably cooperative and patient as we left her to fend for herself while we did worship planning. She laughs now.

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As you can imagine, it's a huge relief to see her so much happier. Tomorrow I have surgery for carpal tunnel in my right wrist. Daughter has been pretty concerned about that in the past, so we'll see how she reacts when it really happens.

Planning

KJK and I worked on worship planning most of the day today. I'm pleased with what we've accomplished. It's always exciting to plan worship themes. We've both been through the lectionary more times than we like to count now, and so it is especially exciting when we find a new perspective, which we did several times today.

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I also rewrote the information for my search for a new position. It is an involved process that involves answering questions about leadership style, accomplishments, faith, theology, service to the church, etc. I sent it off to Far Away Sister, who thought it looked good. She had some minor suggestions for improvement, and encouraged me to look at where I would be willing to move.

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In many ways the fact that I'm not going to be moving soon made the worship planning process easier-- I wasn't trying to anticipate the needs of a new church.

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Daughter has done well. This has been a good indication of her emotional improvement. She has basically been left on her own to entertain herself. I've let her sleep in both days. Yesterday we did some shopping. Today we're finally going to go see the movie Blind Side. KJK has a board meeting she has to attend, so we're going to the movie while she's in her meeting, and then we'll go out to eat. Daughter has watched TV with Uncle B and played wii with him while her Aunt K and I worked. It's kind of nice that Uncle B was downsized and is around to do things with Daughter. It's been great to hear her laughing and enjoying herself.

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She was down for a while last night, and told me she couldn't take being rejected by churches anymore. I told her that God has someplace better in mind for us. I just hope that better place is revealed to us soon.

Next...

I don't think this call is going to come through. That is probably a very good thing. The church would be very challenging. Very challenging. God knows best, of course.

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Daughter continues to have problems with wetting herself. Brother got a call from her after church yesterday-- she was in the restroom and needed me to bring her clean clothes. My cell phone was still turned off from worship. She wet herself again at 4:00 this morning. I bought a kit to test to see if she had a UTI, which would be a convenient excuse and an easy fix. Unfortunately, she doesn't.

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Today we're at my good friends' home. They both have things to do this morning, so Daughter and I are going shopping. This afternoon KJK and I will work on worship planning and Daughter will entertain herself with DVD's and video games. B was headed up to the shower. I told him as he passed the room where Daughter was sleeping to tell her if she got up, I'd take her shopping. He came down a minute later chuckling. He said he got no response until he mentioned shopping, then she was wide awake and ready to go.

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I'm frustrated with the ongoing wetting problems. It's not one that is easily fixed. At this point, I'm telling her regularly to go to the bathroom. I'm ready for what's next-- her next physical symptom, the next church that is interested in me, my next call to begin. I'm ready to move on.