Contradictions

Yesterday evening was a very frustrating one with Daughter. Sometimes the contradictions that are part of life with her are disorienting. Yesterday afternoon she sat in a chair directly across from me sleeping and totally ignoring me. If she did open her eyes and I spoke to her, she didn't acknowledge me or respond. Finally, around 5:00, she said, "I suppose it's bed time now."

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"No, it's 5:00 and you need to go to your room if all you're going to do is sleep." She grabbed her linens out of the dryer and went into her room, slamming the door to express her displeasure.

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About 8:00, she came out sobbing, "I'm so sorry for being such a jackass to you."

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"You are very good at apologizing. Show me that you are sorry by taking care of the laundry in the basket."

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"Screw you, Bitch!" She again vanished into her bedroom, slamming her door to make sure I knew she was mad.

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About 10:00 she came out, dressed in her her pj's to get her insulin and pills. I gave her some milk (she missed supper, and had the good sense not to ask for any at this point). She returned to her bedroom. I don't remember if she slammed the door.

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About 11:00 I was getting ready for bed. She came into the bathroom. "Can I sleep with you tonight? I have a reason, my back is really hurting."

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"I'm a bitch, remember?"

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"Sometimes I say things I don't mean."

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"How am I supposed to know when you mean what you say?"

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"I don't know."

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"As long as you are wetting the bed, you aren't going to sleep in my bed." She vanished back into her bedroom.

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This morning I went in and turned on her bedroom light. I was not pleased to notice she'd slept on her floor. I have told her if she wants to sleep on the floor, she has to have the air mattress under her because I don't want urine soaking into the carpet and subfloor. I pulled the covers off of her, expecting the worst. It looked like she was dry.

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I left, and she got up. She came out and told me she was dry. She even showed me her diaper when I asked, and it was completely dry. She requested a breakfast that requires some work from me. I gave her the option of 2 less labor intensive breakfasts, explaining I wasn't inclined to work on her breakfast when she was refusing to do anything around the house. When we got to the church, she volunteered to carry my briefcase in.

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I'm starting the week tired, for some reason.

Sunday

I promised Daughter that if she helped me get some things done around the house this afternoon, we'd go to a movie. She thought that was a wonderful idea. So she's been sleeping ever since we got home. I finally thanked her for saving me the money on tickets and food. I have to confess, though, that I'm not real motivated to do the work, either. I've done a few things in the kitchen, but there is still much to be done.

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This is going to be a very busy week, to say the least. I'm going to have to get quite a bit done tomorrow while I'm alone at the church. Hopefully there won't be too many people dropping by. I need to follow up on several people struggling with health issues right now. We had our 4th Sunday meal today, and one of the women came over and expressed concerns about a woman who has been struggling with health issues and a heavy load as family caregiver for quite some time. I tried to go see her last week, but we couldn't find a time to go because of medical appointments. I'll see if I can schedule something for this week.

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The newsletter is going out this week, and I have a number of articles to write for it. I also need to start preparing the Wednesday studies for Lent. We've had a lot of people sign up for the Wednesday studies, so I need to make sure that it is good so they'll want to be involved again next year.

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I guess since I don't want to do the housework alone, and we aren't going to the movie, it would be a good time to get started on some of those newsletter articles....

Officer Retreat

Today I had my second officer retreat, with the service board of the congregation. This was a shorter day, but just as productive. This group has never had a statement of purpose or a clear job description. Today we looked at the history, acknowledged the problems, developed a purpose, reorganized the board, and set priorities and goals for the year.

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Daughter was cooperative, helping me set up, going for a walk with a friend, joining us for lunch, and entertaining herself the rest of the time. She managed to do a decent job shoveling the snow. We're getting yet more snow this evening. At the meeting, we were discussing who should go visit our snowbirds.

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One of the things that surprised me was that they acknowledged that there are cliques within the church and that it can be a challenge to feel at home and accepted for newcomers. The top priority they set was doing a better job of welcoming visitors and incorporating new members into the church. I was impressed.

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We're also going to track attendance, divide the members into groups by zones, have a program this fall for individuals caring for aging parents (we have a medical social worker who is retiring soon, so we're going to ask her to help lead it), and plan some fellowship events for the summer. We're going to recruit people to do visitation, and train them in May. We're going to change the way we're doing the coffee hour. The group was relieved to finally have a clearly defined purpose and a plan to carry it out. I'm grateful for the time and effort these individuals are willing to put into doing Christ's work in our church and community. Oh-- they saw one of their roles as supporting the pastor to prevent/delay/minimize burnout. We had quite a discussion as to whether burnout could actually be prevented, which is when the idea of delaying/minimizing came up.

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All in all, the work we accomplished was worth giving up a Saturday. I don't have any more church commitments on Saturday for a month, when I have a wedding. I'd like to keep the Saturday commitments to no more than one a month. I think that will be manageable.

She Did Hear

The other day I told Daughter about a training program she might be eligible for in the future. The program has a campus and dorm, and offers vocational services for people with various disabilities. She was offended when I mentioned it. I had hoped it would motivate her. This morning we're at the church where I'm doing an extended training with one of our boards. She will go for a walk with a member at 11:00, color and watch DVD's in the room next to where we're meeting, and join us for lunch and coffee break. I told her that I would pay her to shovel the walk. The pay could be anywhere from $5 to $20, depending on the quality of the work and the length of time it took her to finish the job.

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Now we've been having major battles over snow shoveling, with her insisting she can't do it. Today she decided that my offer sounded like a good deal. She went on to say that she could save the money for when she goes off to school. My hope has been that by showing her possibilities for her future, she would have hope and be motivated to do better. Today, I am cautiously optimistic. Maybe it will work to motivate her. Maybe. There weren't possibilities that could motivate her in Tiny Village. Another reason this has been a good move for both of us.

Daughter's Room

Daughter has spent many hours this week cleaning her room. She had once again managed to hide clothes rather than hanging them up properly. Today I worked on laundry. Daughter removed it from the dryer and supposedly hung it up and put it away. Being the evil mom who refuses to trust my own Daughter, I went into her room and opened the closet door. All the clean clothes were dumped on the floor. She was not happy when I told her she had to hang them up properly. Not happy at all.

Thursdays

Thursday Daughter's group goes to the humane society in the afternoon. Every Thursday afternoon I get a text or phone call about a pet we have to adopt. She promises to take care of it. Sometimes she suggests that Kitten needs a playmate. Every Thursday I have a simple answer for her, "No." Very simple.

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Today I'm wavering. She claims that there is a 3 year old cat who is free through today. He likes other cats, is gentle and friendly, and has been neutered. I emailed asking for more information. I hope their answers will give me an excuse to continue saying no. Kitten does spend much of the day alone-- yesterday we were gone for 14 hours. We went to the mall for supper so I could get a hair cut (my first since we moved-- I'd been getting them every 6 weeks or so). Then it was back to the church for evening commitments. Daughter didn't have choir, but she'd been to the library yesterday morning, so I set her up in Administrative Assistant's office and she watched the DVD's she'd checked out on AA's computer. We were both happy.

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Today Daughter will ride the bus home. She was anxious about it this morning. I reminded her that she is an expert at riding buses, and reminded her of the school year she rode 3 different school buses every day to get to her special school (there were 3 different districts involved in her schooling that year-- it was interesting). This bus ride will be the shortest she's ever had, and she will actually be home before we are able to leave the church most days (I have to wait until everyone from her program is gone to set the alarm).

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Riding the bus home means that I don't have to go back into the church this afternoon. This won't really be a day off, as I have a great deal to do, but I'll be doing it in the comfort of my own home, away from the distractions of the church. It also means that when the new building is finally ready, Daughter will already have had experience with the bus, so she'll only be dealing with one big change at a time.

Back to the Program

Today Daughter's program was in session, which was a relief for both of us. The roads are still terrible, but the buses were running. She had a good day once she got there. Yes, we had the morning battle again. Singing is no longer working. I threatened to dump cold water on her, and that got her moving today. It won't work forever, either. Nothing will work until she decides it's a problem when she wants to solve.

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I had lunch today with a woman who wanted to better understand Daughter. She listened carefully, and was horrified by the history I shared. She had seen Daughter out with her program, and was concerned that it wasn't the right program for her. I agreed that the other participants are much lower functioning, but said the staff was good and explained why she needed close supervision. She understood.

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She also shared that she didn't want a woman pastor, and how wonderful she thinks I am. She says my sermons are great, and each week she thinks they can't get any better, and they do. We also talked about the challenges she faces with her son. It was a good lunch.

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We have another "meet the pastor" gathering tonight. I'm enjoying them. I'm enjoying everything I'm doing, as a matter of fact. I think I might have mentioned that before....

To Laugh or To Cry

Yesterday evening I asked Daughter to empty the dishwasher. I walked over to get something, and discovered that once again she had left a number of items sitting on the counter. "Come put these things away."

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"I don't know where they go."

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"You can ask."

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"I can't ask when you're filling pill boxes and your back is hurting. I need to stay away from you!"

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The whole time this conversation was going on, she was putting the items away, in their proper places, without any direction from me. Sigh.

Amazing People

The folks here at Capital continue to amaze me. I had a woman having surgery early yesterday morning. I had intended to be there prior to the surgery, but we had talked Sunday, and with the predicted weather, she told me not to try. I offered to come out Sunday afternoon/evening, but again there was concern about the weather. She assured me a phone call would be enough.

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So, I tried to call her Sunday evening. They only have cell phones, and I realized that I didn't have her number here at home. The roads were horrible, so I wasn't going to go to the church to get it. I called someone I thought would have it, but the number they gave me was disconnected. I called her husband's cell, and there was no answer. I went to bed feeling bad about not calling. Yesterday I got a call from some friends of theirs in the church. They had gone to the hospital and been with them through the prep and wait. They had been assigned to call and let me know the surgery was over and had gone well. When I got home yesterday, there was an update on my voice mail from her husband, saying she was doing well.

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This morning she called me from the hospital. She wanted to apologize for not responding to my call. She tried to call before surgery, but there wasn't a signal in surgery. I told her I was supposed to be calling her! This afternoon I went up to see her. Her husband and their friends were in the lounge on her floor while physical therapy worked with her. We went in to see her, and she again apologized to me! We had a good visit. I prayed for her to be patient with the healing process, and for patience for her family and friends that they might gently remind her of her limitations. Her husband was chuckling beside me. As soon as I said amen, she turned to him and said, "Gently. She said gently." It was a good visit.

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I also took communion to an Alzheimer's patient today. Her son, daughter-in-law, and some friends were there. I had never met her, but they want me to do the funeral as she used to be very active in the church (then they moved her and didn't inform the church where she was). That was a good visit, too.

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I have a small potted rose and two bouquets of flowers in my study right now. The rose was a birthday gift, one bouquet was from the son and daughter-in-law of the Alzheimer's patient who came to see me last week about the possibility of doing the funeral, and one was given to me today by a woman who wanted to share her concerns/perspective with me on some committee changes we're making. I agreed with much of what she had to say, and am setting up a meeting next week to talk to to committee chairs about how we can improve things.

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Daughter spent much of the day working on filing for Administrative Assistant. Her program was closed today because the roads are still bad. The main road in front of the church hasn't been cleared yet. Our municipality doesn't do a good job of snow removal. Everywhere else I was in the area today the main roads were in good shape. I think my next vehicle will have 4 wheel drive....

More Snow, More Blessings

It's snowing (again). Some of the outlying schools are already announcing they will be closed tomorrow. The streets were getting bad again when I came home from the meeting at the church this evening. If Daughter's program is closed tomorrow, we'll have to find work for her to do. She was exceedingly lazy today. Tomorrow afternoon she has an appointment with her therapist. I hope they begin to make some progress.

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One of the men in the church brought his snow blower over to my house this morning and cleared the rest of the snow from my driveway. Another man saw that my car had been plowed into it's spot, and shoveled around it so I'd be able to get out more easily (I still got stuck-- the wind had blown car evenly under my car, which didn't want to back through 10+ inches of snow. Fortunately, I have a shovel in my car, and a few scoops got me out.

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After getting some work done at the church, I came home and got some work done around the house. Daughter watched. I went back to the church for a meeting, then came home and got some more work done. All the window treatments are back up (over cleaned windows) except Daughter's room and the kitchen. I told Daughter she has to do her own room. There are still several windows I need to clean on the outside, but I think I'll wait for it to be a bit warmer.

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Have I mentioned lately that I love my job? I do. I'm very grateful that God called us here to Capital-- even in the midst of all the snow and cold, I'm grateful.

Mastering Snow

We got an impressive amount of snow overnight and this morning. Those schools that weren't closed for the holiday closed for the snow. I did not go to the hospital prior to the surgery this morning. I will get there tomorrow. We did come into the church, though I'm not sure why. Actually, I do know why-- to get out of the house and escape the caulk fumes.

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Here's where I am getting smart. When I opened the garage door, I shoveled the snow away for about a foot in front of it. Hopefully this will mean I won't knock snow in that will then cause the door opener to take the door back up because it's hitting something. I also decided that it is not my job to shovel the 9-10 inches of heavy snow on the church walks. Hopefully some of the men will make it over to drag out the snow blower today. I also rescheduled the communion I was supposed to take this afternoon for tomorrow.

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I was surprised, but the roads have not been plowed. I didn't expect my street to be plowed yet, but I was surprised to discover that other than the main east-west route through Capital, the other roads have not been plowed. I was sliding all the way to the church, and arrived to discover the church parking lot hasn't been plowed yet, either. I parked at the end of the parking lot towards at one side so that the plows could do their job. It was Daughter's first time walking through over the boot top snow. Even I'd forgotten what hard work it is, and wondered why I'd parked so far from the door.

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I need to go back and look at those pictures of the green shoots coming up in my back yard. Maybe I should go uncover them so I can see them again. Maybe I should make some pastoral visits on our snow birds in Florida and Arizona....

Interesting Conversations and Random Thoughts

Yesterday Daughter informed me she wasn't my property. I informed her that that was right, she was my Daughter. I explained that property isn't important and I don't worry about it the way I do members of my family. That led into a conversation about why I adopted her. I again reassured her that I am glad she's my daughter.

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This evening she asked me to read her a story. She said she was feeling like she was 3 years old for some reason. She was almost 3 when she came to me, so she's back at the age when she first felt safe. I read her Love You Forever. She went to bed content.

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Random thoughts:

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The snow is still falling. I turned on the patio light so I could watch it fall. It's beautiful. Once again my driveway has been cleared by a neighbor with a snow blower. He rang the bell to ask about my new windows. He's considering getting windows, too.

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I have often wondered if the fireplace really makes much difference in the temperature. Tonight we got our answer-- the bedrooms are very cold this evening. The family room, kitchen, and hall are all warmer because of the fire I've kept going all evening.

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I'm hoping we'll be able to leave the house tomorrow to get away from the caulk fumes. It would be nice if I could open the windows and air it out. I need spring to return!

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I'm continuing to have fun preaching with PowerPoint. I realized today how much I've come to rely on the images when I had to adapt the sermon for the assisted living service where I wouldn't have PowerPoint.

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I met with some people after worship about dramas we're going to do during Lent. The enthusiasm for the project is growing. On March 13th we kick it off with the story of the temptations Jesus faced following his 40 days in the wilderness after his baptism. One of the men has volunteered to be Satan-- he will interrupt the sermon at various points to defend himself. It's going to be fun. I have most of the parts filled.

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We have developed a brochure to publicize what's going on during Lent. A number of people have signed up for the Lenten study, and I'm going to do it at noon and in the evenings on Wednesdays during Lent.

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We continue to have visitors in worship, and the congregation continues to offer them a very warm greeting.

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One of the women wants to go to lunch with me this week. She wants to better understand Daughter.

Good-bye Spring

Spring teased us this week, and then it turned cold again. We are under a winter storm warning right now, and the predictions seem to be accurate. Daughter and I went into the store to pick up a few items, and when we came out, it had begun to snow. I had to clean the windows on the car. We brought our groceries home and then went to a local assisted living facility to lead worship. The snow is coming down steadily and the roads are bad.

I built a fire in the fireplace and we aren't going any where the rest of the day. They are predicting 6-8 inches by morning and up to 1/2 inch of ice, though we may be lucky and the ice may go just south of us. I was going to the hospital bright and early tomorrow morning to see a member before she has surgery. We talked this morning, and she told me not to come. I think I'll call her this evening instead. I'm also supposed to take communion tomorrow to a nursing home, but I may reschedule that. We'll see what the roads are like tomorrow. Daughter's program is closed for Presidents' Day, so we don't have to go to the church.

The smell of caulk is still pretty strong. I think those fumes may have contributed to our lack of energy and irritability yesterday. We were gone for about 8 hours today-- that was intentional. I may decide we need to get out tomorrow to get away from the fumes, too. I don't think I want to open any windows today to air the place out....

Sleeping In

Daughter is still in bed. I slept in until 8:00 this morning, and I called Daughter when I got out of the shower a few minutes ago. She said okay, but hasn't moved. She went to bed at 8:00 yesterday evening, so she's in bed almost 14 hours. Was she up eating through the night? I don't know. I know she wasn't up to go to the bathroom, as this morning her bedroom smells of caulk and urine. I don't think I can sing to her today. I'm still frustrated with her.

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There's some anger, but the larger emotions are sadness and fear for her. How am I supposed to figure out her insulin when I don't know what she's eating? How can I keep her safe from herself? I'm going to examine the pantry doors more closely, and see if I can buy some door alarms to put on them. I don't know if I'll be able to attach door alarms because of they way they are designed. I'm not sure the door alarms would wake me up with my c-pap going, but they might slow Daughter down a bit. That's the hope, anyway.

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I need to finish a sermon, fill pill boxes, and clean the windows and put everything away today. Will I get any help from Daughter? Probably not. One of the women from the church is coming to pick her up to go walking at 11:00 today. That will be good for both of us.

Signs of Spring

Our snow has been melting, and the grass has reappeared. There is still some snow around, and I suspect it will be a while before the mountain of snow they cleared off the parking lot at the church melts, but the stuff up near the house is all gone. I went outside today to check on the window installation, and discovered that I have plants coming up. I don't know if they are the bulbs I planted, or things that the previous owners had planted. I do know that they give me hope that spring is coming. I'm grateful for that hope, especially since we have a winter storm alert up for Sunday. They are predicting 6 inches of snow.

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My windows are all installed. They completed the job in 6 hours, and I think they did a good job. I am pleased with the way they look. I was concerned, because they are different from the original windows. The original windows were casement windows, and brown on the inside. These are sliders, and they are white on the inside. The only downside is the odor of the caulk.

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It was not a pleasant evening with Daughter. I won't get into details, but it was not fun. I'm considering informing her case manager that I'm not able to keep her safe at home any more. She's picking the locks on the pantry doors at night.

Discoveries

Yesterday evening I went to the refrigerator to get out some cheeseball I'd taken out of the freezer this week. I couldn't find it.

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"Did you happen to take the cheese ball into your bedroom?"

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"No, Mom. I'm turning it around and I'm not doing that anymore. I'd tell you if I'd taken it."

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I spent the next 15 minutes searching the refrigerator and cupboards, trying to figure out where I might have placed it and wondering if I was losing my mind. Daughter watched.

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This morning the men came to install our new windows. I was told they'd arrive between 9 and 10, and they were here before 9 (I'd just gotten back from taking Daughter to her program and stopping at the grocery store.) It's 2 hours later and the windows are all in. They have to finish the trim outside and vacuum inside. They're gone to lunch right now. Anyway, I went into Daughter's room to make it easier for them to move things out of the way. I discovered all kinds of things:

• The almost empty container from the cheeseball.
• The cardboard that had held a 6 pack of applesauce together.
• Several spoons.
• Numerous food wrappers.
• Chocolate cereal.
• DVD's floating around loose in bags (a never ending battle).

Daughter has some work to do this evening. Sigh.

A Confession

Daughter was dragging and sleeping all day yesterday. At supper she told me why. She'd been up much of the night trying to figure out how to break into the pantry. She didn't succeed, fortunately. I got to thinking, and wondered if she was getting too much insulin, and that was making her hungry. Last night I cut her insulin. This morning her blood sugar was the best it's been in weeks. I told her she would feel much better today.

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Her confession led to a realization which hopefully will lead to improved health for her.

A New One

I got to sing for Daughter this morning-- I added some dance just to keep things interesting. She got up during the first song, so it wasn't too bad. When we got to the church, she fell asleep in my office. When it was time to go down to her program, she refused to get up. Administrative Assistant came in and tried, but she wouldn't acknowledge her, either. A text came from downstairs, asking where Daughter was. I said she was asleep and ignoring me. So the woman who runs the program came bouncing upstairs and into my office, where she sat down on Daughter. Daughter woke up and went down for her program.

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We thought they would be in their new space next week, but the air quality tests came back very, very bad. There is a great deal of mold. Disappointment all around. We're trying to set up transportation home for Daughter on Fridays. I'll bring her in Friday mornings, open the building, and do my walking. Then I'll go home and enjoy my day off. I'll see about getting volunteers to set the alarm after the program people leave.

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The director at the respite house suggested that Daughter begin gradually. I'll take her over for supper and she'll stay a couple of hours the first time. We'll gradually increase her time there and work up to an overnight stay. I think it is a good plan for Daughter.

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Another busy, fun day here at the church. I had another small group gathering to get to know people this afternoon. I'm loving those. I had someone stop by to talk to me about some concerns and give me some history. I'm grateful for people who are willing to come to me directly to talk about things.

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Daughter supposedly doesn't feel good. I let her go to the bathroom unaccompanied. I heard doors opening and closing at the wrong time, so I went investigating. She had locked the bathroom door. I told her she needed to unlock it. "Why?"

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"I know you got something out of the kitchen."

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I heard some paper rustling, and the door open and she handed me a box of gluten free snacks we keep for a little girl who can't eat gluten. Sigh.

Respite

I am blessed with a wonderful Administrative Assistant, and today I delegated a bunch of work to her. She did what I delegated to her and more. I'm finding it challenging finding hymns some weeks-- this congregation doesn't know all the hymns I do, and trying to find hymns that are familiar to them and fit the themes of the worship service can be challenging. AA helped me pick hymns for the 27th this morning, including one that was new to both of us (but we found a familiar tune that fit the words). When I came back from an appointment to check into respite for Daughter, AA had already started the bulletin for the 27th-- I only had to add a couple of things she didn't have.

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The reviews on the meeting last night were good today-- there was some energy and more ideas being generated as we discussed what had happened. This particular committee had a history of being contentious, to say the least. We are reorganizing this particular committee, and the reorganization, refocus, and expansion of the committee members totally transformed the feeling of the meeting. I'm pleased by the enthusiasm and energy-- which continues to grow.

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Today we checked out a place for respite for Daughter. The program was started by parents and has a Christian focus. There are 2 bedroom apartments shared by 2 individuals. They also have two rooms set aside for respite. The director was wonderful about engaging Daughter. They do trips. They've dealt with eating disorders. They have staff trained for insulin. Daughter went from not wanting to even visit to wanting to go now.

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Of course, by this evening her fear of abandonment reared up and she was lashing out at me. We talked through it, and I repeated my assurance that I wasn't moving her there anytime soon. Her case manager and I hope that as she sees individuals living independently, she will want to do that, too. I can hope.

What Happened to Monday?

As you might have noticed, I didn't blog yesterday. I intended to, but I intended to do many things that didn't get done. I had a long to do list. God had a different to do list. Obviously, my to do list got set aside. The longer I'm here the more people drop in for conversations. Many of these conversations have to do with places of deep pain. It is an honor to be entrusted with these stories, to offer a different perspective that eases some of the pain.

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I remember hearing a story of a young pastor who complained that it was impossible to do ministry with all the interruptions. A wiser, older pastor told the young pastor that the interruptions were the ministry.

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I took Daughter out for supper for Valentine's Day before coming back to the church for evening meetings. We also stopped at a craft store and I helped her buy a set of black velvet pictures to color. There are 8 small pictures, and the kit also had markers. These will stay at the church for her to work on during meetings. We got the church at 7:00 yesterday morning, and didn't leave until 9:00 yesterday evening. Daughter handled it-- I think because she did get that attention from me at supper.

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I was a little frustrated with her program yesterday. Last week they came to tell me she was out of insulin pen needles. I gave her 5, and told them they had to keep track of them and let me know when she needed more, they couldn't rely on Daughter to relay the information. I also reminded them that they will soon be moving to a new building, and I will not have the freedom to run over there to bring them supplies.

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I knew that she would be out of needles yesterday, but was frustrated that they hadn't notified me. I was prepared with extra needles, but didn't tell Daughter. Sure enough, at lunchtime Daughter came up to my study with a staff member seeking needles. Now at the time there was a man seated at my work table and we were obviously working on a project, and another man was standing in the doorway, needing information. It didn't phase Daughter, but it did bother the staff person. Once again I stated that they had to figure it out, because I couldn't drop everything to bring Daughter needles after they moved the program.

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The staff person showed up later that afternoon with a piece of paper telling me how long the needles would last, so I'd be able to send additional needles before they ran out. At least she got the message.

Day Four

This is the 4th day without a morning battle. Yesterday I had to sing to get her up, but we managed the morning without any anger. This morning I turned on her light and asked if I got to sing today. When I went back in that direction the next time, she was up and moving.

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Life is so much easier when I don't start the day frustrated at her. Last night I urged her to go the bathroom before going to bed so that she'd be dry this morning. This was after I told her I'd know she was ready to move into a different program when she stopped wetting the bed. She was more soaked than usual this morning. I guess she's not ready to do something different yet.

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This morning was a good one. This congregation is so affirming, so caring. I'm having so much fun leading them in worship. We are making progress. Today I am grateful.

Interesting Conversation

Daughter wanted to talk yesterday evening. Interesting points:

• She wants to get a job and insurance
• She wants to adopt a child
• She wants to be a single mother
• She wants to live with me forever
• She's unhappy because we didn't put her right into a job

I listened, and then I reminded her why we placed her in this program. I told her we wanted her to be successful, and so we placed her where she would feel safe. I reminded her that the workshop setting would have been loud and chaotic, and we were concerned she would have been overwhelmed. I told her that she was telling me she wasn't ready for any additional challenges as long as she was wetting the bed every night. I told her that once she proved to me she was no longer overwhelmed, we'd talk about employment/workshop options for her.

She agreed with my analysis of the issues and my explanation of the bed wetting. I told her to talk to me about these issues after she'd stopped wetting the bed. I think the fact that she wants to stay with me forever is another indication of how scared and overwhelmed she continues to be. On a positive note, she's talking to me, and she's been in a much better mood the last couple of days. Oh, and the trigger for all of this? She's had a couple of conversations with Mommy Best Friend from Tiny Village the last few days. She's jealous, but she knows she's not ready for sex, childbirth, or independent living. That's why she wants to adopt and stay with me.

Rise and Shine, and Give God the Glory

Today Daughter did not get up when I turned on her light and pulled off the covers. It is Saturday, and I was making her get up at the normal time. I didn't want to get up either. So I got to sing-- Rise and Shine, complete with all the verses about Noah and the flood. Then I moved on to This Is the Day. I asked if she had any requests. She was begging me to stop, but with a chuckle in her voice. She got up and into the shower, and was cheerful and cooperative. It was a long day. We left the church at 7:45 and didn't get back until 4:45.

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Daughter spent the morning with her head on my shoulder snoozing. After lunch she asked if she could sit in one of the comfortable seats outside the meeting room. I allowed it. She saw some friends we know from the conference we attend every year. A colleague from back in my days in Inner City was there-- she remembers Daughter as a toddler. I reminded her that was over 20 years ago-- we can't figure out how we got so old.

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A church officer went with us, and he honored me with his story on the way there. I love hearing the stories. It helps to understand and hopefully better minister to their needs.

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I have ordered pizza which is on it's way here right now (I love their order status updates). Now I get to finalize my preparations for worship tomorrow. Daughter is in a cheery mood. Pretty amazing considering she spent the day at a boring meeting. It's amazing how much better life is when we don't begin the day with a battle.

Self Care

Today I'm off to an all day meeting 70 miles from here. Yes, I'm dragging Daughter along with me. It will be a long day.

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Yesterday a gift certificate for 90 minutes of massage arrived in the mail, courtesy of my sisters. I'm looking forward to calling to make an appointment.

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I've also been thinking about the offer of help/support I received the other day. It is very hard for me to ask for help. Very hard. I think I'm going to see if there would be someone who would be willing to schedule someone to stay with Daughter at various times through the month. I could provide a calendar and prioritize time I'd like care for her. It could mean that I would no longer have to drag her to meetings. I think we'd both like that.

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Friday evening she said, "Hey, have you noticed? I'm suddenly cooperating!" She seemed amazed by this realization-- as though it weren't under her control. I told her I had noticed, and I had also noticed that she was much happier as a result. I don't know how long it will last, but I'll enjoy it for as long as it does.

Friday

As we headed to the church this morning, Daughter was complaining. Her program is community involvement, so they have 2 vans and divide into 2 groups to go do things in the community. She said that staff kept bugging her to go with the group that delivers meals on wheels. She didn't want to do that, and wished they'd just leave her alone.

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This morning they went to the library, then a little after 12 I got a text from Daughter. "I did meals on wheels for the first time and I love it!" I was amused. After meals on wheels, they went to an exercise class. Daughter is settling in and enjoying her program. I think that next week will be their last at the church. The new building (which was supposed to be done mid-November) will finally be ready the following week. When that happens, I will be able to stay completely away from the church on Friday.

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This morning I went in and opened up, and then came home after Daughter went down for the program. I was there for longer when I went to pick her up. I met with one of the church officers. We were talking about the committee he's chairing. He's a little nervous about it. After we talked about agenda for the meeting, he began to talk in greater detail about his childhood. He was adopted out of an orphanage when he was a year old. His adoptive mother was very abusive. Very abusive. He told me his story, and then said, "I'm not proud of it." I looked at him. He's retired after a career in a skilled trade. He's been married to the same woman for over 40 years. He has 3 children and 8 grandchildren. He's an officer in the church. I told him he should be very proud of what he's made of his life after a very rough start and difficult childhood. I looked at him and what he was overcome, and pondered again why it is that some kids are able to overcome abusive backgrounds and some are not. I thanked him by honoring me by sharing his story with me.

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My day off activities included a trip to the grocery store, making sloppy joes for the soup kitchen Saturday, and cooking for the freezer: 16 sausage biscuits and 10 servings of curry with rice and another 8 without rice. I also called to find out about the problems with Daughter's Medicaid. I'd been avoiding doing dealing with it since I went in to pick up her prescriptions and discovered that some of them were no longer covered. When we see the doctor, I'm going to have to ask her to fill out the paperwork to get prior authorization for some of the prescriptions.

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Second Day

Daughter is up on her own again this morning. It sure does make the morning easier. I have to go into the church this morning to drop Daughter off and open up for her program. I'm leaving the computer at home. I will walk and listen to my ipod, and as soon as she goes to her program, I will leave. I have to do some cooking for the soup kitchen Daughter and I will be serving at on Sunday, and I'm going to do some cleaning in the kitchen.

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Yesterday was a long day, and a good one. I'm working with a young couple who are getting married next month. I'm impressed-- they recognize the challenges they face and want to work on them so they can build a successful marriage. Most couples are so starry eyed in love that they are convinced that they will never have any problems.

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Tomorrow I'll be at a regional church meeting all day. I didn't get sermon done yesterday, so I hope to take a little bit of time to work on that today. I won't want to tackle it after the meeting tomorrow.

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It really does make a wonderful difference when the day doesn't begin with a battle.

A Blessing

One of the men who was on the committee that called me to serve here is frequently in the office because of his volunteer jobs here at the church. He often stops by my office to chat, sometimes informally, occasionally with an agenda. This morning he said he needed some time from me, and it was obvious he had an agenda. I invited him in and he settled himself in his normal chair. "What's on your mind?"

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His answer surprised me. "You."

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Seeing my confusion, he went on to elaborate. "You really have your hands full with Daughter right now. We're concerned about you. What can we do to help? Do we need to arrange to regularly do things with her to give you a break? What will help?"

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He has a brother in an adult foster home. His mom felt guilty about placing him there, and kept him at home until she was about 60. He understands my situation. I told him I certainly hoped Daughter wasn't still with me when I'm 60. He said he definitely recommended she be out of the house long before then.

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I assured him that some rest and time away had helped, and that I have an appointment about a possible respite possibility next Tuesday. I asked him to follow up with me after I know more about that. I told him he should encourage me to make time for myself, and that once I knew more about the respite situation, I could tell him more about what would be helpful.

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Then he sealed the deal-- he isn't just concerned for my well-being. He's concerned for the church. As he left my study, he said, "We need you." I am exceptionally grateful today for God making me wait 4 years for a new position so I could come here to Capital.

A Miracle

This morning Daughter's alarm went off and I turned on her bedroom light. A few minutes later I pulled her covers off. I glanced back in, and she had pulled them back on. I removed them again. She said, "Leave me alone! It's not even 6:00." (It was 5:57) I didn't say anything. I then heard a sigh and her feet hit the floor.

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She is now eating breakfast-- and is having the cereal with dehydrated strawberries that she requested. She has emptied the wastebaskets she "forgot" yesterday and added them to the trash can at the curb. I will wait until we get to the church to thank her. If I say anything to soon, it could set off her oppositional nature again. For now, I am very grateful. I'm still prepared with pb&j sandwiches, but I'll gladly throw them out in several months if she continues to get up.

An Afternoon Away

I took myself out to lunch today, and sat reading the Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder. I started it and was appreciating it, then I got busy and stopped reading it just as I got to the tools for family. I began that section today. Of course, the most important thing is to take care of myself according to the book. Having disengaged, I did make some decisions about how I'm going to change my approach to mornings.

• I'm going to take my shower before bed, so I have more time in the morning.
• I made and froze 6 pb&j sandwiches. Those are for lunch on those days when she doesn't get up-- I don't have time to do anything else when I have to spend so much time convincing her to get up.
• After turning on the light and pulling off her covers, if she doesn't get up I am going to stand in her doorway and sing to her. I'll sing happy, chipper, upbeat, obnoxious songs until she gets up. I'll have fun doing it.

I recognize if this does work, it won't work for long, and in another week or so I'm going to need to come up with a new approach. I'll deal with that problem when it comes. For now, I no longer feel like she's holding me hostage in the mornings. Tune in tomorrow to hear the outcome.

When I got back to the church, I went to a great committee meeting. Lots of excitement and enthusiasm about some plans we are making. Tonight I get to go to another small group gathering where I will become better acquainted with some members. I continue to love ministry among these people.

Shifting My Focus

It took 45 minutes for Daughter to get out of bed this morning.

• As soon as I was up and moving, I put the citrus in her room.
• I then turned on the radio in the bathroom so she would know I was up and moving.
• I began making sausage biscuits, thinking the aroma would encourage her to get moving.
• Her alarm went off.
• I turned on her bedroom light.
• The citrus was so energizing she actually reached over and turned off her alarm.
• I pulled the covers off her.
• After 20 minutes, I called her name.
• Five minutes later, I went in and called her name until she answered (yelled at me that she heard me).
• I kept yelling at her every five minutes until she got up and into the shower.

She didn't get breakfast-- just a cup of milk with her insulin and pills. She had a rather angry and unpleasant Mom on the drive over to the church (we didn't leave until after the time I like to be here).

In our weekly conversation, Sister Best Friend suggested that I shift my focus. I'm not going to win the morning battle. How do I strengthen myself to survive it? I'm going to put some thought into that today.

The Rest of the Day

So I pulled together some discussion questions, pull myself together as best I could, and headed out to a gathering of colleagues. Daughter called as I was on my way. "Mom, are you on your lunch break?"

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"No. I'm on my way to a meeting."

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"Oh. Crap."

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"Why?"

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"Well I didn't wait too long. I really didn't. I was walking to the bathroom, and it was like my bladder exploded."

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"Hm. You got yourself into a mess."

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"Yes."

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"Good luck with that."

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I hung up. I decided it was her problem (and I was just too tired to deal with her). I wasn't going to go rescue her. I wasn't going to suggest alternatives to her. I was not surprised, as she will often manufacture a crisis after a particularly rough morning to test and see if I am still available to her and concerned for her.

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I went to lunch with my colleagues. Several of our group were unable to attend, but there were 6 of us there, and we had a wonderful lunch and discussion. We laughed. We prayed. We listened to one another's pain. We had a wonderful discussion about worship and how we approach it. We stayed much later than usual.

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As I headed back to the church to pick up Daughter for her appointment, I could feel the weight settling back on my shoulders. She was a minute or two late for her appointment with her therapist. I dropped her at the door and went and parked. I ran into a couple of people I knew while I was waiting for Daughter. Her therapist came out with Daughter and handed me an appointment card. She asked how I was. Tired. She wished me happy birthday, and asked if I was going to the restaurant that offers a free meal (or $11 off a more expensive meal) on your birthday. I told her I didn't know what I was going to do. She talked about using a citrus scent to help Daughter get moving in the morning. I told her I'd help her do it, but nothing would work until Daughter decided she wanted things to change. She also talked about a medication that might help with the bed wetting. Daughter was on it many years ago when she was going through another bed wetting period. It didn't help.

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When we left Daughter, said Therapist told her just what she needed to hear. I asked what that was. Basically it was the same things I've been telling her. Of course, coming from someone else, it is much better than when it comes from me.

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As I drove home, I decided a free dinner sounded nice. I had ribs. They were good. Daughter was quite apologetic and very disappointed that her apology didn't immediately fix everything. I reminded her that she apologizes almost every night, but the morning never changes. I've had that conversation with her a couple of hundred times, too.

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Then we went to the grocery store. I bought myself a birthday cake. I may share it with Daughter. As I walked into the house, I made a decision. I have commitments Monday, Wednesday and Thursday evenings this week. I will be at an all day meeting on Saturday. I am coming home tomorrow afternoon. I am going to take some time for me. Or maybe rather than coming home, I will go shopping and buy myself a birthday present.

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Daughter is going to continue to challenge me. It will be exhausting at times. I am the only one who is going to take care of me, so I'm going to make that a priority. I think I'll go to bed early tonight. It's part of taking care of me.

Pity Party

I'm having a pity party for my birthday today. It's February and I don't remember what the ground looks like without snow. My parents are dead, and I miss them. I'm in the midst of a very busy time in my personal life and the life of the congregation, so I'm having to work at carving out me time. I'm tired of having to do everything around the house. If Daughter does agree to do something, she's not going to complete it. So she'll unload the dishwasher and leave half of the dishes on the counter. It's really hard to keep up with the laundry when you're gone through the day and then have evening commitments, too, and it is necessary to wash Daughter's linens every single day (At least she does that-- it's not my problem). Oh, and my birthday present from Daughter was a lecture about how she doesn't have to put up with my abuse. It was triggered by my very unreasonable expectation that she would get up in the morning in a timely manner so I could get to the office on time.

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I'm off to lunch and a discussion with some colleagues, so I'm sure that I will feel much better after I enjoy fellowship and stimulating conversation. After our gathering, I get to come back to the church to get Daughter and take her to see her therapist. I hope and pray her therapist can get through to her. I haven't decided if I'm going to take myself out to dinner after the appointment or go home and pull something out of the freezer. I really should go grocery shopping, as I have commitments the next two evenings. Birthday parties are over rated anyway.

Unable to Learn

I just don't seem to be able to learn that Daughter is so oppositional that anything I do to try to motivate her is just going to back fire. Saturday I made the mistake of trying to motivate her to stop wetting the bed. I promised her $2 a day every time she was dry, and an extra dollar if she made it a week. (Initially I offered $10 for being dry all week, but quickly realized that was too long a time period.

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Yesterday morning she was the wettest I'd ever seen her. She soaked everything (yes, she wears adult diapers at night). Of course, there was more at work than my attempt to get her to be dry. There was also the toilet paper issue. She refuses to change the toilet paper. She will leave one square on the roll so *technically* she isn't leaving it empty. Saturday she used it all. I noticed, and since we didn't have any extra in the big bathroom, I ordered her to go downstairs and get a new package. She did, but refused to open the package. So, she didn't use the bathroom before she went to bed Saturday night.

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It's to the point that I question whether I'm even capable of learning....

A New Approach

Friday I made broccoli salad. Daughter loves my broccoli salad. She gets to have it, but because of the dressing and raisins, it is high in carbs and she has to take insulin to cover it. I also and of the opinion that less is more, and she doesn't need to eat 2-3 full bowls at one time. We had some Friday with supper.

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She slept late on Saturday, so had some for brunch when she got up. I offered her some for supper, and then realized it was missing. I don't know when I left the refrigerator unlocked and unattended, but I left it that way long enough for her to get the bowl, take it to her room, and eat it all.

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I ranted a bit, and then I tried a new approach. I apologized for my failure to keep her safe from food. I told her I was sorry I hadn't kept her safe. I'll admit, I laid it on pretty thick. She insisted it wasn't my fault. I reminded her that her safety is my top priority and obviously I had failed to keep her safe. It bothered her. I think I will continue to apologize when she gets into food. I will continue to make it my fault. Maybe her oppositional nature will prompt her to show me it is her responsibility. I can hope.

A Movie with Daughter

The next two Saturdays I will be tied up all day with church stuff, so I decided I'd take Daughter to the movies today. After looking at the options, I decided we'd go across town (still closer than anything in Tiny Village) to see The King's Speech. I explained to Daughter that we were going to a movie I had chosen, and it wasn't a kid movie, but it would be very good. It was the first time in a very long time I sat in a theater where I wasn't surrounded by little kids. It was a much more mature audience-- Daughter may have been the youngest person there.

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She wasn't thrilled about my selection of movie, but she was getting into it, laughing at the humorous parts, and I was pleased that she was understanding what was going on. At a crucial point she leans over and told me she didn't feel good and we needed to leave. I guess I was enjoying it too much. I informed her we were staying. She wasn't happy about that, but didn't object again. I thoroughly enjoyed the movie. I informed Daughter that in the future, we would take turns picking the movies, and any time she complained and wanted to leave during the one I picked, I would get to pick the next movie, too.

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She wasn't pleased, but came and got on the internet. I think she began researching movies, as she asked me how to spell chihuahua. I sat through the first of those movies. Guess I'll get to do it again. I'll have to figure out what my next choice will be....

Interesting Evening

I fixed some of Daughter's favorite foods for supper. A couple of hours later she insisted she was starving and had to have another full meal. I pointed out she'd never fit in her clothes, but she said she didn't care, she had to eat. I offered her some cashews. She demanded other things. I pointed out that normally she likes cashews, and asked if she was rejecting them simply because they were my suggestion. She responded honestly, "Basically." She did end up eating (and being satisfied) with the cashews I offered.

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Then we sat down together to watch a show I'd recorded earlier. She was laughing and shouting in my ear, and showing great restraint, I didn't complain or ask her to tone it down. As the show approached the big reveal, she announced she had to go to bed immediately. When I questioned her about missing the end, she started crying and yelling at me to get off her back and leave her alone. I pointed out she needed her pills and insulin. That set her off. I paused the show, got her insulin, and she stormed off to bed. I watched the end of the show alone.

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It must be hard to live in her head.

The Office

My street hasn't been plowed yet, but I decided I had to get out of the house, and needed to get Daughter out, too. We needed structure and a change of scenery. Once we got off our road, the streets weren't too bad, except for intersections. The sun is shining today, and it really is beautiful with all the snow. It won't be so fun when the snow all melts-- the long term forecast shows one day above freezing (33) in the next 10 days. The snow is going to be around for a while, I think.

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Daughter is missing her program. She watched a DVD when we first came in, but now is napping. On February 15, they are supposed to move to their new building. She has some anxiety about it, but I am looking forward in not having to be here to open and close for them 5 days a week. The bus will pick Daughter up at the church in the morning and drop her off at home in the afternoon. On Friday, my day off, they will pick her up from home, too. I'm looking forward to that. Of course, I'll have to be even more intentional then about spending time with her.

I had a number of things I needed to do that can only be done at the church. We were debating about what to do about choir tonight, I finally pointed out that while attendance would be down, there would probably be some people who desperately needed to get out and see people. So we're having choir tonight. I have an appointment during choir with a couple who wants to get married next month. I'm hoping it will continue to be a productive day.

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I hope everyone is staying warm and safe.

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Snow Day

I watched a tow truck get stuck a couple of times trying to navigate my street. That confirmed the decision not to try to go any where today. Hopefully the roads will be in better shape tomorrow. A kind neighbor cleared my driveway. I brought home books to work on my sermon, but instead have been trying to get some work done on my income taxes. There is much to complicate them this year. It looks like I will be getting a nice refund, which is nice.

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It will be another year before I know if I need to adjust my withholding. Up until now, I've always made quarterly payments, but here the church is willing to withhold and handle the tax payments for me. I like that, but it is definitely different. I'm also dealing with purchasing a house rather than living in a home provided by the church. I don't think I'll be able to complete the taxes today, but I've been stressing over it, so getting a start reduces my stress level quite a bit.

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Daughter slept in, then cleaned her room and watched TV. She came up from the basement and informed me she didn't feel very good. She's now resting in her room. It's been a quiet day, and I'm enjoying it.

Finding the Balance

So we are having a blizzard. I have followed the news and planned accordingly. I brought home the books I will need to work on my sermon here at home. I informed Administrative Assistant that if the schools are closed, so is the office, and that if she wanted to work to email herself the needed files. I made sure that I had the bulletin information to her this morning, so that could be completed prior to the storm. I did a funeral an hour away today. I knew we shouldn't have any weather trouble, but I had emergency supplies in the car. We have plenty of groceries and firewood. The laundry is caught up. Even if we lose power, we'll be okay.

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Then there's Sister. She lives east of me. The blizzard warning starts later there than it did here. She took half a day today because she was afraid it would start early. It didn't, so she spent the afternoon running around and getting supplies. She was very concerned about my plans for the funeral, and insisted I not stay too long and call her as soon as I got home. She's creating more stress for herself. I think I prefer my approach.