Discharged

Daughter called me a little after 4:00, very excited. She had been discharged. The paperwork was done and I was to come get her right away. She wasn't eating supper there, I'd have to take her out to eat. Her call was unexpected, to say the least.

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I dutifully drove over and picked her up. We were given a prescription that needed to be filled tonight. I asked if they could give me one pill to cover tonight, but the nurse said she couldn't (I know another nurse did once with a late discharge.)

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We came straight back to Town, but our national chain pharmacy was closed, as was the independent pharmacy. We made it to the super discount store north of town 15 minutes before their pharmacy closed, so we got her pills and then stopped at McDonald's.

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I hope she's ready to be home. She thinks she's ready. On the way out of the door I paused long enough to lock up the medication and knives again. We'll see how she does. I need to call and make her an appointment with Psychiatrist for 2 weeks. I'll get her in with Therapist this week.

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I just told her I was not willing to take her to a friend's Halloween party tonight. I've driven over 100 miles for her today. I'm not willing to go out again to take her to a party 15 miles from here. She was not happy about that. We'll see if she's able to hold it together. I need to go write a sermon for tomorrow....

Today's Phone Call

Daughter missed 2 days of birth control pills, so her period started today. She asked me to bring supplies when I visit this evening. She has not had a bowel movement since she was admitted. She has informed me she's waiting until she gets home. I don't need that much practice plunging, so I will again ask them to give her something this evening. She says the voices were silent last night, and she slept well and was up early. That's wonderful news. She sounded better today than yesterday. I can hear the improvement in her voice.

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I've started my first load of laundry of the day, and am working in the kitchen. I've washed the dishes and now I'm going to make apple sauce. I'm pondering my sermon for tomorrow. I want to have it done before I head to Big City to visit Daughter. As she improves, I recognize just how exhausting her challenges have been for me. I have a wonderful story I often tell in pastoral care situations, particularly with caregivers. A frog who is dumped in a pot of hot water will immediately jump out. A frog that is put in a pot of cold water that is then gradually heated will not escape, and will be cooked alive. It's not until Daughter is safely hospitalized getting treatment (that is working), that I realize how hot the water was that I have been living in these past few months. I'm enjoying the cooler water.

Psych Unit Day 3

Daughter was much improved tonight. She said that the voices are getting quieter and are speaking more slowly. She told me I don't have to come over every day-- that it is important for me to take care of myself.

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The insurance company called today. They wanted to know about aftercare plans. Did I want to change Therapist and Psychiatrist? No, I don't want to change. They have approved 3 more days, so she can stay through Monday.

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At this point I'm cautiously optimistic. I'm also very tired....

Daughter Called

Daughter called this morning. She wasn't crying. I don't remember the last time she called me on the phone and she wasn't crying. She told me she slept well last night. Her blood sugar was 98 (perfect) this morning. She wants me to bring in her Yaz (birth control pill) tonight. The nurses have been telling her to ask me to bring it, and she finally was doing well enough to follow through. She wants me to call her friend and say she won't be able to come to her Halloween party. She asked me to bring her gel pens.

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All of those may seem like little things, but compared to how she has been doing, they are huge. She is improving. Hopefully she is improving without the tremors coming back. Hopefully.

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C is coming this morning, and we're doing more organizing and decluttering work around here. She called last night when she heard Daughter was in the hospital, wondering if I still wanted her to come. I told her I did. The only things that have changed about my daily routine with Daughter in the hospital is that I get to sleep until 7:30, which is an hour later, and I go to the hospital in the evening. I'm keeping the rest of my schedule normal. Today my normal routine will be punctuated by smiles, because Daughter called me this morning.

Psych Unit Day 2

Daughter didn't call me today. When I got there she was in bed sleeping. I made her get up. She had napped off and on all day. Psychiatrist increased Depakote. Depakote was decreased because she had a bad tremor. Her blood sugar was 210 before supper. She said her tray didn't contain the food she and the dietitian selected. I raised these issues with her very nice evening nurse, who made notes and will follow-up.

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I left at 5:30 to go visit her, and got home at 9:00. My days are much longer when she is in the hospital. On a positive note, I had a good phone interview about a church that is located as the same metropolitan area as Sister and Brother. Far Away Sister thinks it would be great for me to be back in an area with more resources with Daughter. She may have a point.

I Grieve

So this morning I was lazy and didn't shower. I threw on old slacks and a t-shirt before going over to the church. It would be office stuff this morning, and then sermon work this afternoon. I didn't need to look nice. I had just come home for a quick lunch before a phone interview when someone came to call me back to the church. A man was there seeking information.

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The congregation that has been his church home all his life is voting to close on Sunday. About 10 years ago they went against the wisdom of our judicatory to call a pastor with issues. He has succeeded in killing a congregation that once showed great promise. The board cooperated, of course, and this man, R, had warned them when he served on it that there were issues that had to be addressed if they were to survive. They ignored him.

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Now R is grieving and seeking a new church. It would be quite a drive for him to come here, but he is willing. I grieved as I heard his story. He quit attending the church when his warnings were rejected. He could no longer give his unspoken support to what was happening (and not happening). He worries about his parents, who are elderly and are losing the only church they've ever known. He has gone through serious health problems these past few years without the support of a pastor. I grieve.

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Why do we allow pastors without the skills and gifts they need to continue in the church? Why are churches so afraid of addressing issues and pursuing health? I invited him to worship, of course, but there was no joy in my invitation. There was grief over opportunities forever lost in a community which will soon have one less congregation ministering and proclaiming the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

Back to the Psych Unit

I admitted Daughter to the psych unit in Big City this evening. She had an appointment with Therapist this afternoon, and I told her I was concerned she needed to be hospitalized. Less than 5 questions into her assessment it was clear she needed to be hospitalized. The voices are growing stronger, and when she asked Daughter about her ability to resist them, Daughter began to cry and said she was afraid she couldn't continue to resist. During last night's rage, the voices were telling her to strangle me.

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Therapist called Psychiatrist and talked to her nurse. Nurse talked to Psychiatrist. Psychiatrist ordered a direct admission. I hate leaving her there. The nurse on the unit explained to me why they couldn't control her diet or follow her insulin program. I explained to nurse that if Daughter's blood sugar was running sky high they wouldn't be able to determine if high blood sugars, too much medication, or severe depression were causing her lethargy. I suggested that would not be helpful. They decided maybe they could find a dietitian after all.

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Her appointment with Therapist was at 3:00. I got home at 8:40. I'm a little bit tired tonight. That's an understatement.

The Morning After

Daughter was up and cooperative this morning. She told me she still felt guilty about the way she'd treated me last night. I told her it might help to apologize-- she thought she had. I assured her she hadn't. I had a breakfast appointment this morning, so Daughter took the bus to the workshop, and then I picked her up when I finished with my breakfast appointment. Today was senior luncheon day. I made ham and beans after the funeral yesterday, and Daughter took them over to the community building last night.

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She sat next to me and ate her cornbread, but was too sick to eat any beans. She had a miraculous recovery in time for the apple dumplings, which I didn't want her to have. The other women are much kinder than I am. I told Daughter I didn't know what to believe about her health at this point, which prompted more contrition and she dried the dishes I was washing. She told me she felt like hurting someone. I'm beginning to wonder if she's going to need to be hospitalized again. I hope not, but we'll let Therapist sort her out later this afternoon.

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Now she's emptying the dishwasher and putting the laundry in the dryer. After Therapist, I have a couple coming over for premarital counseling tonight. I need to do a bit of cleaning before they arrive. You can always tell how busy I am by the mess in my house. I got up early this morning and cleaned up after my adventures in ham and beans in the kitchen yesterday. For some strange reason, if there is any dish in the sink, Daughter then becomes incapable of rinsing her dishes off and putting them in the dishwasher. I haven't quite figured out how that works yet.

Tired

Due to computer problems (I lost all the work I had done on the funeral for D today), I was very late getting to bed last night. I ended up getting less then 5 hours of sleep. This was my first funeral since Dad's, so it was more exhausting than usual.

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When I finished the funeral, I had two voice mails from Daughter. She couldn't stay there any longer and I had to come get her. I called her and reminded her I was busy all day. I assured her she could make it through and I would see her when she got home.

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The end result was that by this evening I was so tired I didn't feel good.

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Daughter was concerned because I didn't feel good, and then she watched a TV show she had on the DVR. The mom wasn't feeling good, and the episode ended with her being taken to the hospital in an ambulance. I told Daughter it was time to get her meds and get ready for bed, and she had a melt down. I told her I was fine and I wasn't going to have to go to the hospital. She insisted that wasn't the issue, the issue was I was a *itch and was treating her like a 3 year old. She refused to take her medication or insulin. I'm going to try to get her to take them one more time.

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I guess it's no wonder that I'm tired. At least my back didn't hurt after the service, thanks to a suggestion from a good friend, I stood on a foam mat, and as a result was able to stand on the concrete floor in the basement without killing my back. Thanks, KJK!

Multitasking

I confessed to my ulterior motive today. This is the second Monday C has come to help me bring renewed order to the chaos of my home. Today we tackled the study. We made progress, but there is more to do. Anyway, one of the reasons I hired C is that I figured she was struggling with depression after returning home when her California dreams didn't work out. I was right, and we talked about that today. While we sorted and shredded, I offered advice and support. I told her that had been part of my motive. I told her I was multitasking: providing pastoral care while bring order to my life. She's grateful.

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I have resigned myself to the reality of having D's funeral in the church basement. I told the family today, and while I'm sure they're disappointed, they understand. I told them I had decided it was appropriate, since D liked to serve and work behind the scenes. They agreed.

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I got my H1N1 vaccine with only an hour wait this evening. Daughter will get hers at the workshop next week. Now I need to head over to the church. I have some youth helpers coming over to help get ready for the funeral, and I need to print the bulletin and write the liturgy.

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Daughter got home before I did today. She handled it pretty well, calling me to tell me she was home. I was 5 minutes away, and told her to meet me out front because I was going to pick her up and we were going straight to the health department. She called around lunch time, thinking she could con me into coming to get her. When I reminded her of my schedule she stopped complaining. She did tell me this evening she hates it when I'm this busy. I reminded her I still had time to feed her and talk to her, and I'd always love her. She's using words now, and that's an improvement.

Ouch!

We are in the process of getting new carpet installed in the church, so worship was in the basement today. Instead of standing on a carpeted wood floor, I stood on a bare concrete floor. My back didn't like it at all. Unfortunately, the memorial service Tuesday will have to be downstairs. The church won't be put back together and cleaned in time for us to do it upstairs. I'm frustrated, but there's not much I can do. I'll need to make sure I'm wearing shoes with lots of support for the memorial service.

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Daughter had bowling this afternoon, and then we came home and I had a meeting at the church before a youth group event tonight. We had a bonfire at the home of some members. They had a fire started over by the field. Some cows came over to see what we were doing, and one kept trying to mount the other. The kids thought it was hilarious and gross, and it was made worse when the boy who owned the cows revealed they were mother and son....

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We ended up leaving youth group before s'mores. Daughter was done. She had used up all her coping ability and was trying to hold off a meltdown. She managed to hold it together until we got in the car.

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I have a very full week coming up, and I hope Daughter will be able to hold it together. At this point, Monday-Wednesday I'm pretty much book solid. I get nervous when I'm booked that solid, as it makes it very difficult to handle any emergencies that might come up. I sat at the bowling alley this afternoon trying to organize my week. I think I have a plan that will work, provided there isn't an emergency and everybody cooperates.... I'm trying to remember the last week without emergencies and with cooperation. I'll let you know when I remember it.

Keeping Busy

If I keep Daughter busy, she does well. If she has unstructured time, she falls apart and starts claiming she is hearing voices. So, I'm trying to keep her busy. I bought her a DVD player with some of my inheritance. She worked hard this morning, so I gave it to her. Now she's sitting beside me watching DVD's while I watch football and work on sermon and funeral. She wants to have physical contact with me. That's okay when I'm on the couch working on the computer, but not so good when I'm trying to cook.

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I've also made apple sauce and an apple pie today. I'm in the mood to cook for some reason. Daughter isn't complaining. I need to get in the mood to figure out worship. I'm getting back on track, I hope Daughter will soon.

Trust

Today has been a better day. Daughter is penitent and super cooperative. She could read the signs and knew she had gotten on my last nerve. This morning I was trying to decide what order to do my rounds in this afternoon. I had three different plans, and finally decided to go visit D, who is on hospice, then A, who is also on hospice, and if I had time check in at the nursing home to the north (A and D are in nursing homes south of here). I walked in to visit D and her daughters were surprised and pleased. They asked if their brother had called me. How had I known to come? Within 10 minutes of my arrival, D drew her last breath. It was quite peaceful.

The hospice nurse had her schedule messed up today, so when the nurse went to call her, she was right next door and was there immediately. They were so grateful that the nurse and I were so readily available. I pointed out that if God could take care of the little details, we can certainly trust God for the big things. It was a reminder I needed, too. Her funeral will be Tuesday. By then they should be done installing the new carpet in the church.

After supper we had a brief storm, and then the sun came out. I went out on my front porch and there was a beautiful rainbow directly over D's house. You can see it in the picture above. I will share it with her family when we sit down to plan the funeral.

Frustrations

Today has been one of those days. I was up early and had supper on in the crock pot by 7:30. Then Daughter unplugged the crock pot to start the dishwasher. Fortunately, I found it and was able to plug it back in before I went over to the church. We are getting new carpet installed in the sanctuary and prayer room. It was decided that many of the items that needed to be moved could be placed in the office. The office is literally an obstacle course, and we can't get at all of our office supplies. That set the tone for the day.

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The bulletin had a phantom word in it. It wasn't appearing on the computer screen, but when we'd print it out, "organist" was over the Scripture lessons. We couldn't white it out without whiting out words we needed. I cut and pasted the good parts to a new document and reentered the page that had the phantom word, but the phantom word still appeared. It finally moved to the point that Secretary could white it out. The bulletin kept printing very crooked. I came home to print something on my computer, and it wouldn't print. I finally copied the file to a flash drive and went back over to the church to print it.

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As we were fighting with phantom words and crooked copies and non-cooperative printers, the carpet installers arrived. I never knew it was so noisy to install carpet. Actually, they weren't installing carpet today, they were repairing the floor, which is well over 100 years old. Then there was Daughter. She was calling me at regular intervals in tears with vague complaints. I finally decided to go pick her up, since she was sure she was going to start puking.

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She has been in bed since she got home, getting up long enough to eat supper and shower. Is she sick? I doubt it. Several months ago, a substitute supervisor at the workshop warned me that there was a group that was pretty vicious at the workshop. She told me that if Daughter ever came home and told me that they were picking on her, I should believe it. I think that may be part of the issue.

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Because she was home, I couldn't make the southern swing by the nursing homes to visit my two hospice ladies. I couldn't risk taking her in if she was really sick, I can't leave her home alone, and it's impossible to get respite on such short notice. I will do the visits tomorrow. If she isn't back at the workshop, I will take her with me and she can sit in the car.

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I'm tired, to say the least.

Paying

Today I've been paying for taking it easy yesterday afternoon and not running around visiting people. It took over 70 miles to make 2 visits this afternoon. One of our women on hospice is declining fast. I am waiting for the phone call. I visited her this afternoon. Her son and one of her daughters was there, and I also visited her sister, who is in the same facility. Another daughter was coming from out of state, and should have arrived by now.

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The woman was only semi-conscious, and when I went in and identified myself she began crying "help, help, help..." I found myself wondering if my parents had suffered when they were dying. When I visited Saturday, the woman was eating lunch and we shared communion. I'm glad I made the trip. Her daughter thought that may have been the last time she ate....

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Our man who has been in the hospital thought he'd be discharged this afternoon. I hope he was. Tomorrow I have to go visit the other woman who is on hospice, and if the woman I visited today is still alive, I'll stop by to see her, too. Friday I plan to go to the nursing home in the other direction to visit the 3 people we have there.

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Daughter has called me in tears every day this week. Each time she has had a different story. Monday, it was voices. Yesterday, it was Flasher harassing her. Today she was having stomach problems. We saw Therapist this afternoon, and Daughter talked about her "big feelings." She claims Flasher has calling her the N word at the workshop today. I'm not sure I believe it. She's back to lying all the time and sneaking food. While I'm not sure how much of what she is telling me is real, I do know this much: she is caught in a downward spiral right now. I hope that Therapist gave her some tools today to stop it. I hope.

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Again tonight I am exhausted. The next two mornings I'm going to have to do some intensive work on my sermon for Sunday. I did have a laugh today. The hospital had a huge sign listing who shouldn't visit. It included those under 14, anyone who is experiencing nausea and vomiting, fever, body aches, and various other symptoms of the flu, including tiredness. I told the man I visited that if I didn't visit when I was tired, I'd never do any hospital calls! He thought that was pretty funny. As I think about it, I really didn't take it that evening yesterday afternoon, I was in the office working until after 4:00. I just wasn't out visiting. I guess I have reason to be exhausted.

Dragging

Today was a productive day at the office, as I finished newsletter, bulletin, and wrote 2 letters. As the day has gone on, I've felt progressively worse. I've been blowing my nose and spending lots of time in the bathroom. At some point I decided that I'd best get as much as I possibly could done today, because tomorrow I may feel worse.

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Daughter called once. Today she wasn't hearing voices, today Flasher wouldn't leave her alone. At least she's not giving him another chance. She told me she didn't feel safe. I pointed out what a good job she was doing of keeping herself safe: she'd told Flasher to leave her alone, and when he continued to bother her she reported him to a supervisor.

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She came home and slept. We're both dragging. I pulled some Trader Joe's chicken and spinach sausage out of the freezer for supper. I intend to spend the rest of the evening relaxing. Maybe I can avoid getting sick if I do....

LInen and Voices

I have hired a young woman in the congregation to help me clean and organize. She was here for 2 hours today, and we tackled the linen closet. It was an absolute disaster, and I didn't have room for the towels I'd brought back from Dad's. Daughter is not going to be allowed in it anymore. She opens the door and crams whatever she doesn't know what to do with in there. We also cleaned out 2 drawers that are a part of the linen closet. I ended up with 4 tall kitchen trash bags stuffed full of donations and 3 of trash. I found things that had been missing. I can now see what I have. C will come work with me once a week as I tackle the mess and clutter in this house piece by piece. I started with the linen closet because I knew we'd be able to finish it, it would enable me to put some things away that were cluttering up my bedroom, and it would give me a fast victory, hopefully motivating me to continue the process.

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Daughter called a little while ago. She says she's hearing voices again, and that they are telling her to kill the family. Do I believe her? Maybe. I know that she's hurting. I'm glad that I keep the knives locked up and that she sees Therapist on Wednesday. I'll watch her tonight, but I suspect she called me because she was hurting and wanted me to take her concerns seriously. It's a strange life I live-- Daughter tells me she's hearing voices telling her to kill people and I ask if she has any work to do today. There was a time when I would have been extremely concerned by what she told me. That time is long past.

PTSD

Okay, Far Away Sister and I have PTSD. Sister was concerned this morning because Little Niece had a temperature of over 103 this morning. Sister was going to take her to the Doctor. She was concerned about strep (Little Niece had strep a lot last year), or H1N1. So we gave her a little while, and then called for a report. We called her home and her cell. Repeatedly. Over several hours. Far Away Sister sent her text messages. Repeatedly. Over several hours.

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Far Away Sister was ready to start calling hospitals. Daughter told me we could go there if we needed to, and I was pondering it. Sister forgot her cell phone. The clinic took hours. Niece doesn't have strep, and probably doesn't have H1N1. She's going to be fine. So are the rest of us. After all the hospitalizations, our first thought wasn't that Sister forgot her cell phone, but that Little Niece was desperately ill and in the hospital on a vent or something. We should have known that Sister, who is not known for her organization, just forgot her cell phone. I'm thinking of gluing it to her hand.

The Same and Different

Today Daughter and I finally got our flu shots. There has been a shortage around here. I'd tried several times before, but without luck. So today there was a festival at the fairgrounds, and the visiting nurses had a limited amount of vaccines they reserved for it. So, I picked Daughter up from work and took her to the fairgrounds. We got in line an hour before the clinic began, and were among the lucky ones who got our shots.

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Because Daughter has type 1 diabetes, she is very high risk for the flu. I had the flu about 19 years ago, and was pretty sick. My doctor told me I had to get the vaccine every year, so I have. The only vaccine for H1N1 in our county is earmarked for health care workers. Hopefully there will be more soon, and I will be able to get it for Daughter.

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I now have two people on hospice. They are also the two people in nursing homes at a distance. I'm taking communion to one of them tomorrow. I also need to go to the hospital tomorrow. One of our men is in the hospital with heart problems, at least according to the grapevine. If I'd heard from the family, I'd be headed to the hospital tonight.

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Daughter continues to be more reasonable since I put the name brand patch back on her. I'll have to talk to the pharmacy to see what I need to do to make sure she doesn't get the generic again.

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We're falling back into the routine. Much is the same-- I deal with pastoral care needs and plan worship and write newsletters. In the midst of the sameness is a difference: Mom and Dad are dead. I can't call Dad to tell him about the special delicacy I found at the festival today. Thanksgiving is just over a month away, and there are no plans for a family celebration. My life is the same, yet it is different. Someday this will be normal, but for now it is different.

Recovering

Today was a much better day. I had a productive morning in the office, and then had lunch with a colleague. It was a wonderful time of sharing and discussing ministry, family, politics, and just enjoying being time together.

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Daughter came home in a better mood, though she still slept when she got home. We went to a fund raiser for one of the organizations providing residential care and respite services, so all her friends were there.

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She came home and did her chores with only minor protests. Today felt like a normal day. It felt like we were recovering.

Broken Engagement

Daughter came home today and announced she had a broken heart. It seems that Flasher had to break their engagement today. His mother found out he was going with Daughter, and he's not allowed to date yet. I'd like to think this is the end of it, but I don't think that will be the case. After all, Flasher's mom heard about the engagement from Nice Guy, who punched Flasher in a disagreement over Daughter, resulting in Flasher being forbidden to spend time with him. I doubt the engagement will be off any longer than Nice Guy was banned.

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At least Flasher's mom knew about the engagement before it was over. Since neither of them drive, neither is able to live independently, and they have never been a real date, I think the chances of them getting married anytime soon are slim to none.

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Since the engagement is off, Daughter has decided that she does belong in this family and will stay-- at least for a while. It was a much better evening, which is good, since I had a couple here for premarital counseling and one of our youth dropped by to talk to me. Daughter actually did some chores.

Distractions

There are a number of welcome distractions in my life right now. The plumbers were here yesterday to replace all the pipes in the ceiling to the bathroom-- including most of the drain pipes. Today I have a trustee here to begin the clean up work, and he is taking note of all the other problems in the house as well, such as the broken light switch and doorbell. He also is going to fix the back door, which doesn't always close well. I heard what sounded suspiciously like a drip when Daughter flushed the toilet last night. He has now heard it as well, and will check it out and dry things out before closing up the ceiling. I'm grateful. Sometimes there are advantages to living in a house owned by the church.

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The other major distraction was more troubling, but ultimately much more rewarding. I heard a banging on my door this morning (which is how I discovered that the doorbell was broken.) My next door neighbor was standing there having a panic attack. I ushered her into my living room and found out that a detective had just brought by a photo line-up forwarded to the local sheriff's office by the police in the community where she was raped earlier this year. We talked for a little while, and then I offered to take her to breakfast. Both of us had already eaten, and both of us went and ate large breakfasts at a restaurant in town. Once she calmed down and I reassured her that her reactions were normal and to be expected and she was doing well under difficult circumstances, we had a wonderful conversation. I heard about the most recent books she'd read (she's currently seeking to read one book from every country in the world-- she's read over 100), and other things she is researching. Time with her always stimulates me intellectually. Our visit was also a welcome reminder that I have something to offer to the community, that my ministry is needed and appreciated. By the time we parted, we were both feeling much better. She has no idea of the ways in which she ministers to me. I'm grateful.

Generics

Daughter is on a catapres patch for her PTSD. Once a week I put a new patch on her back, and it has been a wonder drug for her. It slows the adrenalin that was flooding her system. Without it, she has a hair trigger. So there is now a generic available. It is about 4 times the size as the name brand. The first one stayed on less than 2 hours. The second one I covered with two huge bandages. She complained all week, but it stayed on. The third one lasted 2 days. It feel off this evening.

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This evening has been challenging, to say the least. She came home and fell asleep against me. After about 90 minutes I got up and began working in the kitchen and the problems began. She is leaving. She hates this family, and always has. She is going to go live on the streets, where she belongs. I asked her to please go take a shower and that prompted a long one sided argument as she told me she didn't have to listen to me and how awful I am. I didn't say a word, and she continued to rant and rave at me.

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She just came down and told me she took a shower. I thanked her. She then came over to lean against me. No apology. I asked her not to, and told her I was tired of her arguing with me anytime I said anything. She has gone upstairs to pout. I need to put a new patch on her, but I'm dreading approaching her to do that. I don't want to get yelled at again.

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I had a productive day, and was feeling good about the progress I'm making. Daughter came home and now I am exhausted. I think I have one of the name brand patches I can put on her tonight. I hope I do.

Big City

We left a little after 8:00 this morning for Big City for an appointment Daughter had at the epilepsy clinic. The forecast for today had been for sun, but it was a gray day with scattered showers. Her appointment went well, and after they drew lots of blood, we went to a famous restaurant for lunch, and then to the zoo. It was a quiet day at the zoo, and we both enjoyed it.

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I have been blowing my nose all day. I think (hope) it's allergies. I considered stopping to buy some antihistamines, but decided not to take one before driving the 100 miles home. It was after 6:o0 when we got home, and I have taken one now. Daughter was quite concerned about how I would sleep with my cpap machine with a stuffed up nose. I assured her I'd be okay.

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Sisters are concerned because I mentioned my legs were numb while I was walking around the zoo. They want me to go the doctor right away. I have an appointment at the beginning of December, and unless the problem continues or gets worse, I'll mention it then. They both have the ability to get rather obnoxious. I don't, of course (heavy sarcasm). I'm sure part of my problem right now is simply the aftermath of Mom and Dad's deaths. Stress can lead to all sorts of weird health issues.

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Tomorrow the plumber is coming to finish replacing the pipes in the kitchen ceiling. I'll spend the morning in the church office. In the afternoon I get to go visit a woman who just went on hospice with congestive heart failure. I'm not looking forward to the visit, as I'm sure it will bring back many memories.

Back in the Saddle, err, Pulpit

I was a little concerned about leading worship this morning. I had everything very carefully scripted out so I wouldn't have to fumble for words. It went well, and it was good to be back. I spoke about Dad a little in the sermon, because it fit well. One of the women commented that she was amazed I was able to do that. I warned Daughter ahead of time, and she wasn't real thrilled, but it was what I needed to do, and she did fine. The congregation was very kind and supportive today. Another hurdle has been overcome.

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We have youth group in a little while. We will be playing games and planning the Thanksgiving dinner we will share with seniors. Tomorrow Daughter has an appointment in Big City 100 miles from here tomorrow. We're going to go to the zoo after the appointment. It should be fun.

A New One

We had a concert this evening. Daughter wanted to stay home, because there was a new episode of DeGrassi. I told her the show would be repeated, the concert wouldn't.
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She always tries to convince me to leave at intermission, and tonight was no different. She did have a new reason for leaving though. She told me she was having back spasms. She sat next to me rocking in her seating and crying quietly. I was concerned, wondering what was causing the spasms and her suffering. The spasms and suffering ended as soon as the concert started back up. She loved the concert. I wasn't as impressed.

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Daughter is very much on edge. I was going to wash her hair today, but anything I said to her today brought a defiant response. I decided that it wasn't a good day to wash her hair. I keep reminding her that I'm not the enemy, but I continue to be the target of her frustration.

Better Day

Yesterday was a better day for me. I got more done and had more energy. I spent much of the day under my full spectrum floor lamp, and ordered new bulbs for it so that I will have spares when the current one burns out. I also set some small, manageable goals for myself. I accomplished those and more besides. Daughter and I worked together to clean up the living room last night. Now that the TV is in it, we spend more time in it, and it had become very cluttered.

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Daughter is currently caught up in drama with friends. Flasher keeps begging her to give him another chance and promising he's changed. He hasn't, but she takes him back and then he does something impulsive and hurts her. As he was begging for another chance yesterday he kept interrupting her, and she'd tell him to be quiet and let her finish what she was saying. I pointed out to her that even while he was seeking another chance, he didn't respect her enough to let her speak. I finally told her no more phone calls yesterday. She has another guy, who happens to be Flasher's friend who is interested in her. He seems like a Nice Guy. NG let Flasher use his cell phone to call Daughter and beg for another chance. Flasher doesn't have phone privileges because of all the trouble he is in. NG is a victim of Flasher, too.

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Daughter desperately wants a boyfriend. I wish she could be content without one.

Unprotected

As long as my parents were alive, I didn't really have to face my own mortality. After all, my parents were still living, I was young, I had lots of time. In some ways, I feel like I'm the next in line, since I'm now the oldest member of the family. Setting up a will and a charitable remainder trust for Daughter has taken on a new urgency. Selecting a guardian for her (Far Away Sister) has become more important.

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I'm only 4 months older than I was when Mom died, but somehow, I feel much older, much closer to death. Today I emailed a law firm that was recommended by the lawyer who wrote Mom and Dad's will. I feel better for having done it, and hope I will have time to complete all that must be completed to protect Daughter before I die-- not of illness, but in an accident or something.

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It's a strange feeling, and a strange perspective, but somehow, a layer of protection has been removed with my parents' death, and I feel much older and more vulnerable than I did before. I don't fear death, but I do want to make sure that Daughter will be protected and safe should something happen to me. My concern is for her. As Far Away Sister commented this morning, my death will devastate Daughter. Far Away Sister gets it, and will see that Daughter is safe. I may feel unprotected, but I want to make sure that Daughter is protected. That has become my top priority.

Gray Day

Today is a gray, rainy day, which matches my mood. I was going to go to City for a hospital visit, but have decided that higher priority needs to be getting ready for worship Sunday morning. I want to be well prepared for my first Sunday back, and I know that it gets harder to do the later it gets in the week.

Niece, who is almost 5, is having a very hard time. She has lost 2 grandparents and 2 pets since June. She won't use toilet paper now, because it has a pretty pattern on it and she can't stand to flush it down the toilet. She won't use paper napkins for the same reason-- they are too pretty to throw away. She won't open and eat her yogurt and apple sauce at school, because she'd have to throw the tops in the trash. She's also having some panic attacks.

Sister has contacted hospice about grief support groups for children. In comparison, Daughter and I are doing well, but that doesn't mean it's easy. Cat has been very affectionate. I think he senses my grief, and is seeking to comfort me. I have a full spectrum light, and I'm going to sit under it this afternoon as I work on worship plans....

Rough Day

Well, the grand total of my accomplishments today: 2 phone calls. Of course, I also took insulin pen needles to the workshop for Daughter (she forgot to take some this morning to replenish the supply in the clinic and needed insulin before lunch). I went back a couple of hours later to take her to see Therapist.

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Sister's cat died today. Since June, she has buried Mom, Dad, Dog and Cat. This evening we watched Mama Mia together, and I cried. I needed to cry. I need to figure out worship for Sunday. We're doing communion. We did communion at Dad's memorial service, and I'm not looking forward to officiating at communion this Sunday. I'm hoping I'll make it through without crying. Today has been a rough day. I know there will be rough days. I just hope tomorrow is better.

Sometimes It's Real....

Yesterday Daughter was in her dramatic mode. Everything was hard, she was suffering, I was asking too much of her. When she gets into this mode, I've found it's best to ignore her. So when she couldn't figure out how to open the back door with the recycling from the church, I ignored her. When she announced dramatically that she had slipped and done the splits on the back porch, I was unconcerned. When I heard a crash from the kitchen/laundry room area of the house, I ignored it, figuring she'd dropped something. I didn't hear cries of pain, so I wasn't going to react to what I thought was simply another dramatic flourish from her.

Then I walked into the kitchen. The kitchen ceiling was on the table and floor. I called the trustee who is responsible for the parsonage. I soon had 3 trustees in my kitchen and upstairs bathroom. The supply line to the toilet had sprung a leak. You can see what my ceiling looks like in the picture above. The first plumber they called today couldn't get here to next week. The second plumber will do a patch this evening and replace the pipes this weekend.

Sometimes the noises really are problems, not just Daughter being dramatic....

The New Reality

I was getting lunch today and thought of something I wanted to tell Dad. Oh, he's dead. Daughter called me twice in tears today, sobbing and begging me to come get her. I assured her she could make it through the day and explained that I was going to be tied up in City all afternoon with pastoral care needs. She made it through the day, and came home and fell asleep sitting up.

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We both overslept this morning. I thought that since I'm sleeping better now I wouldn't be as tired. I was wrong. Grief is exhausting, even when it's not overwhelming. I guess I wasn't as ready to jump back into work as I thought....

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I did have a productive day today, so that's good. Sister is addressing some of the legal things she needs to address. She is deeply underwater on her house, where she still lives with her ex-husband. Her ex-husband is facing downsizing by the end of the year. She has to figure out her legal options and how best to get out of the house without losing all her inheritance. She met with an attorney today, and Far Away Sister and I lectured her on money management after her appointment. I'm sure she found it to be great fun.

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We all are finding that dealing with this new reality carries its own challenges.

When Good News Is Bad News

Psychiatrist was impressed with how well Daughter has been coping, so she stretched the time between appointments out from 1 month to 2 months. Daughter promptly came home and fell apart. She even tried to convince me she needed to be admitted to the psych unit tonight.

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I should have known better than to praise her. She was terrified. If she's doing better, more might be expected of her. She's not ready for more responsibility. She's not ready to grow up. She finally pulled it together after several hours, but much of the evening had been lost.

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Hopefully tomorrow will be an easier day for her.

Reflections

I miss my parents. I am very aware, though, that a tremendous burden has been taken from me in the healing they received through death. It is only now, that it has been lifted, that I am recognizing how hard the last few years have been. As their health declined, I found myself doing a constant juggling act. What were my responsibilities to my parents, my daughter, my siblings, my church? Did Daughter's need for stability take precedence over their need to have me present during a health crisis? Could I leave my congregation in the midst of our preparation for Easter to tend to a health crisis? What was my responsibility to Sister and Brother as they dealt with the day in and day out needs of Mom and Dad? Was I doing enough to lessen their load? What about me? Did I need to be with Mom and Dad as their death approached? Was my desire to see them more important than the stress it would have caused Daughter?

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For months I have made each appointment and set each meeting with the understanding that I might need to change it at the last minute. Hours have been eaten up in phone calls with my siblings as we struggled to assure that Mom and Dad had everything they needed. The stress on all of us and our differing perceptions of their needs and beliefs about what was best for us threatened to tear us apart.

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I am grateful for every minute I spent with my parents over the last year. I have wonderful memories of time with them I will treasure always. I will remember Mom's joy at Brother's wedding and the huge smile on her face when she woke up in the motel with Sister, Niece, Daughter, and me. Later that day she had the seizure that was the beginning of the end for her.

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I remember my last visit with Dad-- our conversation about hospice and the fact that Sister had some "strange ideas." I remember taking him Kentucky Fried Chicken for his lunch, buying and setting up the new cordless phones for him, and sharing a beer with him.

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Two stories from his final few days in the hospital: One day when he was confused and drifting in and out of consciousness, he kept calling for Mom. He's with her now. I find myself wondering if he was seeing her. Brother and Sister were both there at one point and were helping the aide, who was trying to get him into a sling to weigh him. He kept complaining about Sister and how she always wanted to know his weight. She tried to convince him it was me, but he insisted she was the one. I found that especially amusing. Sister weighed him every time she visited. There were times when she only stopped by long enough to weigh him. For her, it was a concrete measure of how he was doing with his congestive heart failure. One of the reasons I had wanted him to be on hospice was because it would have taken the focus off of his weight and put it on just being with him. I don't know that that even that would have enabled Sister to let go of he obsession with his weight, though.

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It has been hard, and overall, I think I made the right choices. I look back without any regrets. As much as I miss them, I would not want them back the way they were. I am grateful that they have been set free of the bodies that were worn out and are together in heaven with God. I am grateful for the support and faith that will carry me through my grief. I am grateful that I had both of my parents for over 51 years.

We're Home

We all gathered for lunch today, and then Far Away Sister and her family flew home and Daughter and I drove home. We managed to fit everything into the car. Daughter was in her, "it's all to hard and I can't do anything mood today." Brother-in-law rescued me when Daughter couldn't figure out how to lift the flat screen TV into the car. When we got home I called some friends, because it was clear that Daughter wasn't going to cooperate with me to get it in the house. It is now set up and working. It fits perfectly on my TV stand I bought several weeks ago.

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I've slept better the last few nights that I had in weeks. I'm no longer waiting for a phone call. It was strange, though, to come home and realize that for a first time there wasn't a parent waiting for me to call and report that we'd made it safely home. Dad always wanted a report on traffic, road and weather conditions. When everything was unloaded and the TV was set up, I called Sister to tell her we were home. We're all on speaking terms, which is nice.

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Far Away Sister thinks she might have to come back at Thanksgiving to finish inventory and such. We got Dad's suite cleared out Friday, but there are boxes of things at both Sister's and Brother's.

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I think I'll sleep well tonight. Tomorrow is my day off. Daughter has an appointment in Big City with Psychiatrist in the afternoon. I've already heard from a woman whose mother is dying. Her parents don't have a church, and want me to do the funeral. I'm going to go with her to meet her father on Tuesday afternoon. I'll have to rearrange my schedule a bit, but I'll make it work. It will be good to get back into ministry without the distractions of the phone calls and the worries about what's happening. It will nice to be able to make appointments without the disclaimer that I may have to cancel if a parent dies.

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It's good to be back, and it's good to have that stress behind me.

Exhausted

We buried Dad today. It was a nice service. I'm exhausted. Daughter is holding up pretty well. It was great to see Cousin, who flew in yesterday and flew out today. Everyone else had plans for this afternoon/evening. Daughter and I are hanging in our motel room. I haven't decided what we'll do tomorrow morning.

Meow

Okay, I confess, I can be a bit catty at times. Sister-in-law, who is a bit of a drama queen, seems to bring out the worst in me. Several days ago I asked Far Away Sister if she wanted to predict when SIL would have a crisis and what type of crisis it would be. I thought she'd wait until after the memorial service, but Far Away Sister insisted it would have to be before the service for maximum impact.

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This evening we were all supposed to meet at Brother's to go through pictures and set up a display for Dad. Sister was having car trouble, so I was transporting her. I had promised to pick up Far Away Sister and Tall Niece at the airport. Brother-in-law and Nephew were coming in on a later flight and would get the rental car.

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Brother called Sister. SIL's grandma had disconnected her oxygen and was now having difficulties. SIL had gone over to take her to the hospital, but couldn't get her in her car, so Brother was going to have to go transport her. He didn't know how long he'd be tied up because SIL had to go to work and he didn't know when his mother-in-law would be able to get to the hospital. I now had 6 people needing transport and a car that holds 5. I decided to take Sister and Little Niece to their home so I would have room to pick up Far Away Sister and Tall Niece. It would mean Far Away Sister and Tall Niece would have a bit of a wait at the airport, but it was the best solution we came up with given the limited time.

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When Far Away Sister landed, I filled her in on SIL's grandma. She thought it was hilarious, as did I. She reminded me that she had predicted that the crisis would come before the service. She was right.

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Cousin is flying in tomorrow afternoon for the service. She was going to stay at Brother's house, but after the Sisters spent some time there today, we decided that wouldn't work. We didn't think it was fair to inflict both SIL and the stink in his house on Cousin. We couldn't identify the source of the odor, but it was bad.

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The Sisters decided she will stay with Daughter and me in our suite. She can have the sofa bed, and Daughter will sleep with me. Everyone will be happy.

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Daughter got back and had a meltdown tonight. She insisted we had to leave now. I told her we could run away to the other side of the world, but Grandpa would still be dead. I reminded her that this is hard on everyone. She gets very jealous of the attention I give Nieces, Nephew, and Sisters when we're together. Sleeping with me should help a bit with that. By the time she went to bed, she was smiling.

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We still have more work to do at the apartment. Far Away Sister and her family are in the suite next door, and she came over tonight and we sorted through all the paper work I had gotten out of Dad's apartment today. We'll find a box and ship it to her home tomorrow, since she is in charge of the trust and legal matters.

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I heard some stories of Dad in the hospital today, but I'm too tired to write anymore tonight. I'll share them tomorrow. For now, we are surviving and everyone is still on speaking terms. I'm grateful.

Relief and Grief

It's 4:30 in the morning, and I've been awake since 3:00. I finally gave up on trying to get back to sleep (obviously). I was laying here thinking about my mixed emotions as I contemplate the death of my parents. Relief is, perhaps, the surprising emotion. In other ways, it is very much to be expected. The last few years has been filled with trips to visit them and tend to their needs. I can't count the number of times I've made the drive to sit by a hospital bed.

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The knowledge of their declining health has hung over everything I do and schedule, especially since February. I also can't count the times I've scheduled a meeting or an appointment and explained that I might have to cancel due to the death of a parent. So their deaths bring a sense of relief. I am no longer going to have to rearrange my schedule on short notice to come deal with their needs. Daughter and I will now have the freedom to travel without feeling like we need to come here, to visit them or tend to their needs. Their deaths brings a sense of relief, and give me a new freedom.

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Their deaths also bring an overwhelming sense of grief and loss. Since I graduated from college, I've lived in 3 different states. Throughout all moving and change, I've had a home base because of my parents. After all of us moved out, they took my basement bedroom and made it a beautiful guest room. There were twin beds (with excellent mattresses), a TV (which Daughter loved), and room for our things in the closet and drawers. Daughter had a space where she could escape when being around family became too overwhelming. There was a period of time when I was between churches and I thought we might end up staying with them for a while. Fortunately, that wasn't necessary, but I knew it was a possibility. After they moved into their independent living apartment, it got harder, but we had a couch and a recliner that were always available to us. Never did I dream I'd be getting a motel room when I came back to my hometown. I grieve the loss of security that their home always provided.

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My parents were a source of wisdom for me. Dad was able to answer my questions about finances and cooking for a crowd. Mom, who was a five year nurse (the fact that her nursing program took five years and gave her a BSN and RN was a source of great pride to her). She always had an answer to our medical questions. She regularly updated her medical reference books so she would have up to date answers for our questions. I grieve the loss of their wisdom and counsel.

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For years my parents would come to wherever I was living once a year and care for Daughter so that I could attend a continuing education event. They came to our home so they could keep her in her normal routine. They knew that was what was best for her, even though it wasn't convenient for them. Dad knew that Daughter loved his sausage gravy over biscuits, so whenever we visited he would make it for her. After she was diagnosed with diabetes, it was a real challenge trying to figure out how much she could eat and how much insulin she'd need. She'd ask for a second helping, and I'd try to discourage her. Dad always insisted that I allow her to have it, and then he'd send the leftovers home with us. Messed up blood sugars were not as important to him as the fact that Daughter loved it and he was going to give it to her. Because I am single, Daughter only had 2 grandparents, and now she has lost both of them in less than 4 months. I grieve the loss of the love and attention they gave Daughter.

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Dad was very lonely after Mom slipped into dementia, and visits to him led to conversations we'd never have had while Mom's mind was still intact. I heard stories of his childhood and of the grandfather I barely remember. We'd watch old movies together and talk. I grew closer to Dad than I had ever been in my growing up years. I grieve the loss of those conversations and that relationship.

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There is much more to grieve, of course, but these are the thoughts and memories that are running through my mind early on a Thursday morning when I can't sleep. Later today, I'll probably be at Dad's apartment, sorting, packing, clearing things out. I'm sure it will be hard, and the grief will be overwhelming at times. The grief is great because of the people they were. I grieve for my loss, and I'm relieved that they have been set free from their bodies and reunited in a place where once again they can communicate and be free.

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If this post is full of errors, attribute it to lack of sleep and grief....