"It's Not Fair!"

The deal with Daughter has always been that after she shows me she can keep her room clean, we will finish decorating it. It has been painted, but she needs new curtains, and we've talked about new rugs for the floor. She hasn't been keeping her room clean.

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Today, we were in the basement working on cleaning/organizing. I was working in my craft area, and came across a pattern for curtains I'd purchased a number of years ago. I still have the original curtains in my bedroom, and they don't go with the decor at all. Off and on I've been looking for new ones, but haven't been able to find the simple curtains I want in there. Looking at the pattern, I decided I was going to make curtains today. I went and got one of my pillow shams and dragged Daughter along to the fabric store. As we were headed to the second store, Daughter informed me that it wasn't fair that I'm getting curtains and she's not. I reminded her of the deal. "Has your bedroom been clean for 2 months? Has mine?" She acknowledged that she hasn't kept hers clean, and mine has been clean for more than 2 months. I reminded her that when she kept her room clean for 2 months, I'd be glad to get her new curtains. In the second store, I found exactly what I was looking for. I came home and began sewing. On the hem of the second panel, my sewing machine died. I still have 2 more panels, 2 valances, and 4 tie backs to make. I will try to resurrect the machine tomorrow, but it is probably 25 years old, and I may have to replace it.

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Daughter has been in a foul mood all day. She took off for a while this evening, and when she came back in she announced she'd never forgive me for what I'd done to her. I asked what I'd done. "Call the cops on me."

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"I didn't call the police, because I knew you'd be back."

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Yesterday I made the enchiladas she wanted me to make. Today she was raging as I was making the steak fajitas she'd requested. She's mad at me for things I haven't done, and is not at all rational right now. I asked her what she wanted me to do. "Get me counseling!" I reminded her that I had requested a referral from her case manager.

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I know that none of her anger is about anything I have or haven't done. However, it's not fair that I am her target. Tonight, I am exhausted.

"I'm not Speaking to You"

The deal was that since Daughter was cooperative yesterday, if she got up with the alarm today I'd take her to the movie. She didn't get up with the alarm, but I called her a little after 8:00, and she responded and said she'd get up. A little before 11 I called her again, reminding her that she had a walking date (it was pouring, so I didn't think it would happen). She got out of bed furious. She has been arguing with me ever since, which takes talent, as I'm not participating in the conversation. It could be a very long day. She informed me she wasn't speaking to me. I almost hope that's the case.

Old Flame

My College Boy Friend and his live-in came for lunch today. Daughter went beyond gracious. She threw her arms around CBF and jumped up and down.

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Yesterday she didn't want him to come. She said he was a reminder of the past, and she didn't want to remember the past. I pointed out that he had no connection whatsoever to her birth family. I reminded her of the fun we used to have when he visited us in Inner City when she was young. He gave her her duplo blocks. We went to the zoo, and the beach, and had fun together.

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I guess she decided it was okay for him to visit. After we ate, she disappeared into her computer while the rest of us talked. It was a pleasant visit. I'm enjoying having a social life again.

Sister to the Rescue

Tomorrow my old boyfriend and his live-in are coming for lunch. He's a nice guy, and my parents were disappointed that it didn't lead to marriage, but my call to ministry was strong and it wasn't a lifestyle that he wanted. I've been talking about the visit for sometime, and had told Daughter about it, but apparently it didn't click until today. When she realized who I was talking about and remembered his visits many years ago, she went ballistic. She insisted that she would not be in the house when he was here. She threatened to call the police if he came. She said she wouldn't allow him to enter. She said he would trigger too many bad memories. She said he never treated me right. She said Grandma and Grandpa wouldn't approve because they didn't like him. She asked to take the bus to Tiny Village tomorrow to visit friends. I let her rant, refusing to get pulled into an argument. When I wouldn't cancel our plans and wouldn't let her leave, she called her aunt.

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Sister ignored her cell phone when she saw it was Daughter. When Daughter then called her land line, she figured she'd better pick up. She talked Daughter down, and told her she had to be a gracious hostess. She laid into her about being rude to my guest. Sister promised Daughter that if she is cooperative tomorrow, I will take her to a movie on Friday. She even informed us what one it will be.

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I guess, though, that if she is polite tomorrow, I can take her to a movie on Friday. I am relieved that Sister got her to calm down. Daughter apologized to me for her behavior after her conversation with Sister. I was concerned by the strength of her objections, so I am very relieved that she has agreed to be cooperative and gracious.

It Hits

Today Daughter realized she is in the midst of a break from work and facing several more days of unstructured time. I'm impressed it took until Wednesday. Of course, we've been busy. I just printed out a calendar, and made up a list of chores and rewards. We're not going to accomplish nearly as much as I had hoped, and that's okay. We both needed this break.

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Daughter was trying to convince me she needed to be in the hospital. When that didn't work she talked about how she needed her own apartment right now. We talked (again) about how she needs to be able to keep herself safe from food before she lives independently. It was actually a rather brief crisis, though I suspect we'll have to revisit the issues before we get back into the routine on Monday....

Social Calendar

Yesterday we hosted the family for Christmas. It truly was a wonderful day. The food was good, the company was great, and a good time was had by all. Sister and Short Niece arrived early and took Daughter shopping with her Christmas money. The thought of shopping with her wonderful aunt was powerful motivation for Daughter, who was super cooperative all day long.

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Today we're going to see Sister Best Friend and I'm going to make beef stroganoff using some of the meat from yesterday. We have a busy social calendar this week. Thursday my college boyfriend and his significant other are coming to lunch. I haven't seen him in several years-- not since I went to the funeral home after the death of his mother. I am thoroughly enjoying being closer to family and friends. I'm still hoping we'll have time to complete some projects around the house this week, but I definitely won't have the amount of time I thought I'd have.

Tall Niece

Excuse me while I brag a bit. Tall Niece is a high school senior this year. She has a genius level IQ, and is applying to very exclusive universities. She wants to get a PhD in neurobiology and do research. Her grades and test scores are sky high, and in addition to being so intelligent, she is also a very compassionate person.

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Tall Niece's Friend is also very intelligent, and has done well in school and on her exams. She wants to leave the area and study in a scientific field at a more exclusive school. Her parents don't understand or approve of this desire, and are frustrated because TNF has turned her back on their religion. TNF does not get recognition, praise, or support at home.

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This fall there was an awards program at their high school. The top student in each subject would get recognition. Tall Niece received an award, as did several of her friends. TNF lost out on the award she could have received to a girl who had not taken the top classes in the subject. TN was upset, because she knew the school politics that played into TNF's loss of the award. She told her mom, Far Away Sister, that she didn't need the award, because TN gets recognition and praise at home. She said that TNF had really needed that recognition. Far Away Sister told me TN couldn't celebrate her achievement because of her frustration that TNF was overlooked for recognition she desperately needed.

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Last night Far Away Sister called. TN was very concerned about TNF. She and another friend had already decided that on Monday they were going to go to TNF's parents and urge them to get her treatment for severe depression. They were concerned, because they feared that they wouldn't take their concerns seriously, and they saw TNF as a suicide risk. Yesterday, TNF was talking about suicide. She had a plan. There is a family history of suicide at Christmas. She wouldn't promise TN that she wouldn't hurt herself.

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Far Away Sister and Tall Niece wanted my ideas on how to handle it. I gave them a run down of the resources and procedures for getting someone admitted and held in the psych unit. I assured them that with TNF's messages to TN (they were text messaging), they could get her admitted. Far Away Sister and TN found TNF. TN convinced her to go with her to the ER. They live much further west, so at 2:15 this morning TN called and asked me to tell TNF this was the right thing to do. I croaked out some reassurances (TN claims I was coherent), and after we hung up, I prayed for TN and TNF and went back to sleep. After TNF was admitted to the hospital, TN and Far Away Sister went and talked to TNF's parents (she didn't want to see her parents, but told TN that she could tell them she was suicidal and that was why she'd been admitted-- she wouldn't give the hospital permission to tell them anything. They knew she was in the hospital because they got a call at 2:00 in the morning requesting insurance information).

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One of Tall Niece's concerns was that TNF would be mad at her and never speak to her again. I told TN it was easier to live with her alive and mad at her than with the aftermath of her suicide. TN has been to the hospital to visit TNF today and take her some things. TNF is still speaking to her, and TN thinks she's doing better today.

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I'm very proud of TN. She recognized the warning signs for suicide. She knew that a plan and the refusal to commit to not harming herself were major danger signs. She sought out the help and advice she needed to make a plan that would get TNF the help she needed. Another of her friends is the daughter of a physician, so I suggested she make contact with him for more help with specific resources in the area and his thoughts on the best ER to take her. She did, and he gave her the information she needed. I think TN may have saved a life last night. I'm very proud of her. She is a remarkable young woman. I look forward to seeing the difference she is going to make in our world. She already has made a difference.

Merry Christmas!

I went to the Christmas Eve armed with a mug of hot tea to cut the crud so I could talk. It worked, and it was a wonderful service. Daughter walked into my bedroom at 6:30 this morning, sing a Christmas carol. We've had a good breakfast. Daughter loves her gifts. Now we have a fire in the fireplace and It's a Wonderful Life in the DVD player. I've talked to Sister and Short Niece.

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It will be a quiet, restful day here. I hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas!

Enjoying the Peace

I got up to go the bathroom at 4:00 this morning, and then couldn't fall back to sleep because I couldn't stop coughing. So, I got up and got busy in the kitchen. I made chocolate peppermint muffins, scrambled eggs with potatoes, sausage, and cheese, and twice baked potatoes, including two non-dairy potatoes for Sister and Short Niece. It will be interesting to see what Sister thinks, as they were an experiment. The 4th load of laundry is in the washing machine.

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I told Daughter it was time to get up an hour and 45 minutes ago. She said okay, but hasn't moved. I'm just going to enjoy the peace and quiet until she gets up. Too bad she missed out on muffins and eggs.

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Our Christmas Eve service is at 7:00 this evening. I need to do a little more work on the sermon and the PowerPoint, but that shouldn't take very long. I will see about getting a nap this afternoon to make up for the early morning. I need to figure out what we're going to have Christmas dinner tomorrow. Our family gathering won't be until Monday, so tomorrow will be a quiet day. We'll open gifts and watch movies. In Tiny Village, our service was at 11:00 p.m., so we tended to sleep in on Christmas. It will be interesting to see what impact the earlier service has on our Christmas Day schedule.

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I wish you all peace and joy this Christmas.

Home Alone Part 2

Daughter called, subdued, around 10:00. She had called and cancelled out on walking the dog. She didn't expect me to come get "a bratty b*****." She also commented on how I had taken the remotes for both TVs and her computer. (I love being able to lock things up). She was watching a movie on her DVD player. I called her a little after 11:00 and told her I had to go to the bank, and was willing to stop by and pick her up while I was out.

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She told me that Kitten was afraid of the noises she was hearing outside the windows and doors. I asked if she'd been afraid. "A little." I really struggled with what to do about lunch, but then I realized that she wasn't going to like all the veggies we ordered on the pizza. So, I let her have pizza with us. She quietly picked off the green peppers and mushrooms.

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She folded and stapled newsletters, and then I gave her some shredding to do. She tried to shred a catalogue. The shredder survived, but it took some work to make it operational again. That ended her cooperation. She spent the rest of the afternoon laying on the love seat in my study.

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She says she's learned and she's going to change. I suggested she pick one thing to do differently. She's going to practice getting up with the alarm while we're on vacation. Do I think she's learned her lesson? No. But I have learned that it bothers her to be at home alone. I have learned that I can leave her alone. I have learned that I don't need to get sucked into the morning battle. A successful day.

Home Alone

I got up this morning and got in the shower, carefully turning on the radio so Daughter would be sure to hear and know that I was awake and she needed to be moving. When I got done in the bathroom, I announced that she could get in it. She questioned me about why her alarm clock hadn't gone off, and I told her I didn't know, but it was a fortunate thing she was awake anyway. I reminded her we were having pizza for lunch today at church. I went into the kitchen and again turned on the radio. I ate breakfast. I locked up food and got out medication. At 6:45, I told her good bye. She was still laying in bed, wide awake. I think she was shocked that I actually was going to leave her home alone. I did. I told her to have a good day. Hopefully she has learned I am serious about disengaging from the morning battle.

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I'm not sure what I'm going to do about her now. I suppose that at some point I'll have to go get her. Maybe the woman who volunteered to take her for a walk can pick her up at the house and bring her here after their walk. Maybe I'll decide I need to go to the bank and swing by the house to pick her up after the bank. I haven't decided yet if I'll let her participate in our noon pizza party. It will be interesting to see how long it takes her to call me, and what she says when she does call. In addition to making sure the food is locked up, I locked up her computer and the remotes for the TVs. She still has her portable DVD player, and she has her amazing ability to sleep whenever she wants to avoid something. It could be a very interesting day.

Plan Number 5,623

I purchased a new alarm clock for Daughter today. She has a tendency to "lose" clocks. I will leave for the church at 6:45 tomorrow morning-- with or without her. Her program is closed tomorrow, so we'll have her folding newsletters. If she is at the church folding newsletters for us tomorrow morning, she can be part of our impromptu staff Christmas party-- I'm ordering a pizza delivered to the church.
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If she's not at the church, I may swing by the house to pick her up around lunch time, or I may be too busy. One of the women in the church is picking her up at 11:00 tomorrow morning to walk, so I suppose she could bring her to the church after the walk.
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I'm done getting sucked into this conflict every morning. The battle to get her out of bed ends up leaving me angry every morning. I don't want to start the morning angry, so I'm going to disengage. She also earned an early bedtime tonight by her refusal to get up this morning.
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Will this plan work? Maybe. Hopefully it will work for at least a few days. Of course, tomorrow's my last morning in the office until Sunday. I felt much better today. I slept well last night without the aid of medication. I'm still blowing a lot, and I'm dragging tonight, but I'm getting better, which is very good news.

I Surrendered-- for Today

I'm really dragging today. I got into the office late, and then left about 11:30 to come home and pick up Daughter's meds in preparation for her appointment with the psychiatrist. When we finished with the psychiatrist, I didn't go back to the church. I stopped to pick up a gift card as a Christmas gift, and then we came home. Administrative Assistant was going to arrange for someone else to lock up after the program today. I did get her the articles she needed for the newsletter, and proofed the bulletins for Christmas Eve and Sunday. Hopefully she had a quiet afternoon and was able to make progress on the newsletter.

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I came home and rested. I didn't lay down for a nap, but I dozed off in my chair. I was cold, so I started a fire in my fireplace. I called and arranged to have firewood delivered tomorrow. I'll come home for lunch and the delivery. I will go to bed early tonight, and hopefully will feel better tomorrow.

Apologies

Daughter has been very apologetic for her behavior of late. Very apologetic. As in, every third sentence out of her mouth is an apology. I never knew that apologies could be so annoying. I hope none of you ever have an opportunity to discover how annoying apologies are.

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I have a sinus infection. It's Christmas week, so that's not unusual. Not feeling good puts me one edg, which makes the constant apologies even more annoying. I finally suggested I was tired of the words, and wanted to see actions to back them up. Daughter has an appointment with her new psychiatrist today. I wonder if there's a pill he can give her for being annoying....

A Picture of Passive Aggressive

Yesterday morning when I got up, I was still angry with Daughter for laying on her bed Saturday afternoon and evening, refusing to do anything helpful around the house. I knew that I didn't want a repeat of Saturday, and that beginning my day by yelling at her was probably not a good idea. So, as I was finishing in the bathroom, I said to her, "Daughter, it's a new day and a fresh start. I'll be out of the bathroom in a few minutes and then it will be your turn to get in here. Got it?" She responded, and was obviously awake and alert. It took several more gentle reminders, and by the last time, I was practically begging, "Please, I don't want to start the day by yelling. Let's make today a better day. Please get in the shower now. Please." She got up and into the shower.

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Several weeks ago I told her that on Sundays I had to yell to get her up, we wouldn't go out to eat. Wanting to encourage better behavior and set down and collect my thoughts prior to the final push to get ready to the open house, I took her to her favorite restaurant for lunch. She was a little surprised, but I reminded her that I'd promised we'd go out if I didn't have to yell to get her moving on Sunday morning.

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As we waited for our meals to arrive, I made a list of the things left to do, and put them into 3 groupings. The first group had to be done first, and then we'd move onto the second group, etc. I began writing M next to the ones I'd have to do in the first group. I asked her to go clear the driveway so I could salt it and people would have a safe walk to the house. We got home, and I began the items on my list. I turned around, and she had brought up a bunch of things from the basement. Bringing up serving dishes from the basement was part of the second group. She'd brought up all the wrong things. I thanked her and patiently explained why the things int he first group needed to be done first. Reluctantly, she went outside to begin her work. I was busy working, and moved onto my tasks in the second group. I looked outside. The driveway and path to the door hadn't been touched. She was out shoveling the street. I kid you not.

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I went outside and patiently explained that it wasn't necessary to shovel the snow in the street. I pointed to the side of our double driveway I wanted cleared. I pointed to the sidewalk to the door and the porch. She offered and explanation about wanting a path along the curb. I said that was wonderful, but we needed the driveway, walk, and porch cleared first. I returned to my work clearing off a table in the garage.

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I went out to check on her progress. She was clearing the wrong side of the driveway. Once again I redirected her. I went about other things. I came back out. You got it, she still wasn't cleared the area I had indicated. Now there was maybe half an inch of snow. It wasn't hard. I wanted it cleared so I could put salt on the icy spots under it. I learned long ago she can't spread salt. I took the snow shovel and began doing the work I had asked her to do. She got mad and said something along the lines of me not wanting her help. I called her back, and patiently explained to her that she had won, she'd proved she wasn't going to shovel the snow. I reminded her I still needed her help, and reminded her of her next task. After I finished spreading the salt, I headed into the house. Daughter had walked by the boot tray and was wandering around in her wet boots. So much for the kitchen floor I had stayed up late to mop.

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She continued in this mode until a woman arrived to help with the final set-up. Then she was super cooperative and did exactly what I asked her to do. She went caroling with the church, and I had an hour alone before people began arriving. It was great fun, and I really enjoyed the evening. I think I will do it again next year. It was much easier in this house, which is smaller and has a good kitchen. I'm glad I did it.

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This morning I once again had the morning battle with Daughter. She will be on peanut butter sandwiches until such time as she decides to cooperate. She only had time for milk for breakfast. She was getting into the shower at about the time I wanted to be at the church. Wednesday is the last day of her her program until after the first of the year. I will be off beginning Monday. I'm not sure how much of a vacation this will be....

Open House

I wasn't going to do open houses after we moved. I decided I'd do one this year, and that would be it. So why am I making plans for next year?
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The open house was this evening. We had a good group of people who came through-- they loved my house and my cooking. I had help yesterday, help this afternoon, and help cleaning up afterwards. One couple was celebrating a wedding anniversary today, and they thanked me for giving them an anniversary party.
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Daughter went out caroling with the church, so I had an hour of peace before the people started arriving. It was kind of nice. She was the queen of passive aggressive this afternoon, but that's a story that will have to wait. I'm tired and I'm going to bed.

Why I Get Frustrated

One of the women came over to help me with the open house preparations. The two hours she was here, Daughter worked diligently, cleaning her room and taking care of some laundry. She was happy, cooperative, responsible. I assured my helper that Daughter and I could handle the rest of the work: bathrooms, kitchen, and a few other things.

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Once we were alone, Daughter decided she didn't like being responsible. She'd just been saying that. She spent the next 6 hours laying on her bed (awake) while I worked. She finally got up and vacuumed her room because I told her not to come out until she had. I'm so angry right now. I yelled. I rarely yell at her. She informed me I had no right to yell at her. She can yell at me, cuss me out and call me names, but I have no right to yell when I'm trying to get ready for an event we are hosting and she's laying around all day.

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If it were just the housework, it wouldn't be so bad, but I also have to finish the sermon and PowerPoint for tomorrow morning-- it's my own fault. I spent Monday working on Christmas Eve, and I should have focused on this Sunday. At least this coming week will be a little easier. Christmas Eve is almost done, and hopefully the 26th will come together quickly.

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I do have someone coming to help me with the final set up tomorrow, so Daughter will be very cooperative while she is here. I also have to remind myself that the store is less than a mile away, so if I find I don't have something I need, it's not the challenge it was in Tiny Village. I just hope I'm rested enough to enjoy myself tomorrow evening. This year's open house is challenging. I have no idea how many people to expect. This house is so much smaller, I'm not sure how it will work for the open house. Whatever happens, it will be fine.

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Now it's back to work. I keep taking breaks from the sermon in the kitchen, and from the kitchen with the sermon.

This Week's Humor

We have a number of relatively young retired men who find excuses to stop by the church several times a week. Sometimes they are there to do some work on the building, other times they just want to talk. They are all on the property committee, and they love coming over to fix things. One is a short, round little man with a bit of a lisp. He is a genuinely nice guy, and has a real sense of ownership of the building. He was a charter member of the church, and served on both building committees. He lives close to the church, so he's the one who gets the calls when the alarm goes off in the middle of the night. He's the one who meets the plumbing and heating guy who comes out to solve the furnace problems. He's the one who gets the exterminator to come earlier in the month when I see a mouse.

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One day this week I heard his voice, and when I wandered back into Administrative Assistant's office I mentioned I'd heard him. She said, "Yes, he's working on filling the holes in the cedar siding on the pole that the woodpecker made." The woodpecker has been a source of great frustration to the property committee. One of the members bought new wood and carefully stained it and mounted it on that post. Within a week, his friend the woodpecker had marked it with a large hole sure to attract attention. We pondered the men's battle with the woodpecker for a moment, and then AA added, "He's trying to impress the females." I looked at her, and then realized she was talking about the woodpecker, not the man. I told her my mistake, and we both laughed, and then laughed some more. For some reason, the thought of our short, round little man trying to impress females was funny.

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Friday the key to lock the door Daughter's program is using vanished from the time I put it back up over the door to the time they needed it to lock the door when they were leaving. We looked, tried other keys, and tried allen wrenches. Nothing was working. We thought we were getting it to turn, but it wasn't locking. The lock has been rather finicky lately. Anyway, we called our short, round little man to come solve the problem. We knew his progressive dinner with 3 other couples (there were 4, but one couple moved) that they've been doing for 35 years was that evening and that he and his wife were hosting the appetizers. We also know that he does all the cooking at his house. I wasn't thrilled about having to call him, but we know he's always thrilled to get these calls.

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So, I called him. He was over very quickly, armed with spray lubricant and allen wrenches. He had the door locked in no time, and is looking forward to getting us a new key and hanging it near the door with some large object attached that will keep it from getting lost. The staff member from the program commented that men like doing stuff like that. Administrative Assistant and I looked at each other and began to laugh....

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Oh, and he was already for his guests, who were arriving shortly. The appetizers were arranged on plates wrapped and waiting on the back porch. The candles were lit, so the house would smell like evergreen when they arrived. Their dinner would take close to 8 hours. There are many ways to impress females. I hope he had a good evening. I'm sure I'll hear about it next week.

Learning to Communicate

This has been a busy week. Daughter has had times when she's done well and been a pleasure to be around, and times when she's struggled. There has been quite a bit of drama in her program this week-- several staff members have been sick, including one who was taken away by the squad. I think it's been somewhat frustrating for her that the drama has not been centered on her.

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Some of her attempts to create drama this week:

• stabbing herself in the ankle several times with a syringe-- she says she wants to break it (something an insulin needle definitely won't do)
• trying to get me to leave her home when I go to church in the morning
• telling me she was in pain and unable to go to the bathroom at all, including urinating. She insisted she was in excruciating pain and needed help immediately. I took it under advisement.
• 30 minutes later coming to me for stomach medicine because her stomach was upset and she couldn't stop going to the bathroom.
• insisting she was having severe flashbacks and was hearing voices and needed to be hospitalized immediately (so the hospital could kill her).
• refusing to get up in the morning, to the point of not reacting when I put ice down her top and her pants.
• the usual sneaking food-- her talent in that area continues to grow.

We've had several conversations about this bent toward drama this week. After a great day on Tuesday, she started moaning and groaning on the way home. When she finally agreed to tell me what was really wrong, she was scared because the roads were bad and was sure we were going to get in a bad wreck. Reassurance, prayer, and singing Christmas carols all the way home helped calm those fears.

Today I acknowledged that I've been busy, and suggested that she has been resorting to increasingly desperate measures (and wild stories) to get my attention. She readily acknowledged this, and informed me she'd only made up the flashbacks and voices today because it was too hot and noisy at bingo. I suggested that telling staff that would be more effective than claiming to be psychotic. I suggested we come up with better ways for her to get attention, and pointed out that if she would do her part around the house, I'd have more time to spend with her and would want to spend time with her. We have these conversations on a regular basis. Someday it's going to sink in. Then again, claiming psychotic episodes is much more dramatic than saying the room is too hot and noisy. If it's drama you seek, that's a pretty effective way to create it. I have to give the staff credit. They're doing a good job of not buying into her drama.

I've discovered the downside of email in the church this week-- we've had a couple of conflicts via email. Yesterday evening I had two combatants pulling me into their struggle. I told them both that we wouldn't have all the information to make a decision until January, so they should calm down and relax and we'd discuss it then. Both did so. I'm going to have to be at that committee meeting in January, because I'm sure the calm will end that night, if not before. One of the individuals involved had wanted me at their meeting this month, but I had another meeting at the same time I thought was more critical.

I'm still enjoying life here in Capital. I like the challenges I'm facing, even though I wonder how I can possibly get everything done. Each new problem presents a challenge and I find my brain flooded with possible solutions. I'm still not convinced my brain isn't in danger of exploding from all the ideas that are circulating in it. The joy and challenges I'm experiencing make it harder for Daughter to suck me into her drama, which is one of the reasons she's escalating. When she has my undivided attention, she's fine. As soon as I'm busy, she starts looking for the emergency that will focus my attention completely on her.

She's supposed to be working on telling me what she needs and helping more around the house so I am less stressed and have more time to give her.

Winter

I'm not that much further north here than in Tiny Village. We had winter in Tiny Village. I was sure I was ready for this. I was wrong. I went to the church for meetings yesterday evening. Under the snow it was solid ice. Cars were getting stuck and sliding around. I'm very grateful for traction control and anti-lock brakes!

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I told one of the men that I'd been surprised by how hard it had been to get up my driveway Sunday. He laughed. He said when he first came by to check out the house, that was the first thing he noticed and commented on. He'd had a similar driveway for 14 years, and assured me I'd hate it. I choose to be a little more optimistic than that. Though many schools outside the city are still closed today, Daughter will be going to her program.

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One of the women in the church came and stayed with her last night while I was at my meeting. They worked on the foam Christmas ornaments I purchased for Daughter to give as gifts. It was great for daughter, and I'm very grateful.

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Today I have a meeting across town and an appointment an hour away. I'm not sure I'll make it to either of those. The roads will have to be much better than they were yesterday evening for me to venture that far. It's so cold that salt isn't melting the ice.

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On a more positive note, an unknown neighbor used the snow blower on our driveway yesterday, I'm grateful. I'm also grateful that the sidewalks are across the street! Daughter did manage to turn it around pretty well yesterday. When I got home yesterday evening, she snuggled in next to me for 30 minutes of TV before bedtime. She wanted to get in bed with me at 3:30 this morning, but that won't happen as long as she's wetting the bed. She's wet my bed entirely too many times, and I'm not going to let it happen again if I have any control over it. I don't have plastic on my mattress, and don't want it.

Slow Learner

Sometimes I'm a very slow learner. I cannot leave food unlocked, even when I'm in the room. Last night I discovered Daughter had eaten the last 2 pieces of peanut butter fudge someone gave me (I'd been sharing, and supposedly she hates peanut butter). This morning I realized that when I told she could finish one of the 2 liter bottles of sugar free pop, she'd also taken the other one.

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It's a snow day, and so I'm letting her sleep in. I'm going to try a different approach this morning. I'm going to apologize (repeatedly, laying it on thick) for failing to keep her safe by leaving food unlocked. I'm hoping the guilt trip will work. I had a great teacher on guilt trips-- Mom. In honor of her memory, I'll see how well it works on Daughter.

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I don't think I'll wake her up this morning. The longer she sleeps, the longer I can enjoy a quiet house. I like a quiet house.

Snow

It began snowing around 7:00 this morning. I discovered that the traction control still works on my car on the drive to church today. When we got home, I was reminded that our driveway goes up hill, and discovered it was slippery under the snow. Once we got into the garage, I grabbed 2 snow shovels, telling Daughter it would be easier if we kept up with it. It's a wet, heavy snow, so I didn't want it getting too deep before we cleared the driveway. We were still in our church clothes, but I knew if we came in the house to change, I'd never get Daughter back out there again.

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Daughter worked with me, though reluctantly. I divided the driveway in half, but I did way more than half. It must have been frustrating for her, how could she complain about it being too hard when I was shoveling circles around her? I've decided I'm not going to try to go to the sing along Messiah this evening. I'm not going to go across town in this weather, especially since they are predicting that it will get very cold tonight, and the wind will pick up.

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I stopped for gas on the way to the church, as I looked down and realized it was getting close to empty. Attendance was down today, I'm sure as a result of the weather. The congregation continues to be very appreciative of my worship leadership, which is nice. One of the smoke detectors went off at 12:30 yesterday morning. One of the men and the fire department were there, but didn't find any problems.

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In Inner City I was at the top of the alarm list. In Tiny Village the sheriff's department would call and wake me up to bring a key when they found the church unlocked. I really gave one deputy a hard time when he woke me up at 3:00 one Sunday morning. He had connections in the church, and they found other people to call to come lock the church when they found it unlocked in the middle of the night. Here, I don't find out about problems until Sunday morning after they've been resolved. I like that.

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Daughter didn't want to get up for church again this morning. I told her if she didn't get up, we wouldn't go out to eat. She didn't move. I thanked her for saving me money since I wouldn't have to pay for a restaurant meal. I stood over her until she got up, and she didn't get any breakfast this morning. She got a peanut butter sandwich for lunch. I may feed her something nicer this evening, provided she gets up from her nap and works with me.

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Friday she brought home a letter explaining the closing policy for her program. If the local school district is closed, so is her program. I'm not sure if I should hope for that tomorrow or not. If the program does close, I'll be working from home tomorrow.

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For now, I'm going to enjoy the beauty of the snow from the warmth of my house. I hope all of you in the midst of the snow are staying warm and dry.

A Christmas Gift for Me

I just registered Daughter for adult special needs camp at the camp owned by the regional church. She will be going to camp in June. She will be gone from Monday to Friday. I'm going to see if I can find a seminar or something to go to while she's gone. She has mixed feelings about going. She's obviously very anxious about it. Administrative Assistant and her husband have been there many times, and have run camps there. They are doing a good job of telling Daughter how wonderful it is. They will have to keep selling her on it, and pull out all the stops the week before she goes.

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It will be good for both of us to have a week apart.

Traffic

Our neighborhood was invaded by elves this morning-- well, over 600 women participating in a 5k run/walk. Many were dressed like elves: headbands with antlers, bows, and bells, and red and white striped socks (and pants rolled up to the knees so we could see them). We had a flyer in our door this week warning us that we would have a difficult time getting out of our neighborhood for an hour or so this morning. I didn't have plans to go out, so that was fine.

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This afternoon we headed to the store. We live off the main commercial strip in Capital. It is 2 weeks until Christmas. We had turning left on the main road at the end of our street. When we got to the major road the commercial strip is on half a mile from here, traffic was even heavier. The store was packed. Daughter has a difficult time with personal space, so I kept stationing her and the cart in out of the way places while I'd maneuver through all the carts and people in the aisles to get the items on our list.

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She kept getting anxious and following me or worse, getting lost while searching for me. We finally managed to get what we needed and headed over to the pizza place. This place always has pizza ready for purchase. Today, they were very busy and backed up. They were trying to figure out who they could call into work. We got our pizza and came home. I have a fire going.

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I'm going to begin shopping at odd times as Christmas gets closer-- I don't like dealing with the crowds. I guess this is the downside of my perfect location: traffic. I think I can live with it. We are under a winter storm warning. I may not be going to the sing-along Messiah on the other side of the city tomorrow....

Day Off Without Daughter

Daughter went to her program today and I played in my kitchen. For the first time since I've been here, I got one of those dreaded, "I know it's your day off, but...." calls. Administrative Assistant had just had a call from an attender about her mother-in-law in hospice care and declining rapidly. I called and made arrangements to go see woman and her family at the hospice facility. I agreed to meet them there at 4:00. The woman was amazed at how quickly I called her and how soon I was willing to visit. She said her mother-in-law might not last the weekend, or even the night. I'm certainly not going to wait.

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I'm glad I went, and they were, too. Round trip was less than one way to the closest hospital, and less than half the distance to the big local hospital. Daughter thought I should still take her out to eat since I had dragged her to the hospital. I had warned her that the hospitals were close enough here I probably wouldn't give her that deal. I did take her a couple of freshly baked cookies. She won money playing Bingo today, so she's happy. It's nice to have her happy again.

A Plan

Daughter was supposed to be home with me tomorrow on my day off. Since she continues to be oppositional and disrespectful, she will be in her program tomorrow. Today she will spend in the church office helping Administrative Assistant, or if she doesn't need her help, shredding old records.

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She had a low blood sugar during the night. Though she denies it (of course), I suspect she somehow managed to get some extra insulin.

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Today I have lunch with some colleagues. That will be a welcome break. Tomorrow I will have a day to myself to bake and clean without distractions. Next week she will be in her program 5 days a week. I am grateful.

Worn Down

Yesterday I was gone for over 13 hours-- except for a supper break, I was at the church. I decided that today I would leave the church after Daughter's program people cleared out (I need to stay to set the alarm). This morning, before we left for the church, I cleaned the kitchen. As soon as we got home, I started on laundry and making potato soup for supper. I told Daughter she needed to deal with her bedroom. It's amazing how quickly she can completely trash that room, no matter how closely I watch.

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I asked Daughter to deal with the laundry. She went in, looked at it, got mad and stormed off. So I dealt with it. I cooked supper. I cleaned the kitchen again. I folded the laundry Daughter didn't fold on Saturday, and put away the clothes she didn't put away on Saturday. Daughter came and asked me where she could put her spring and summer clothes. I said, "There should be room for those in your closet."

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"There is, I just want them someplace else."

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"Well, it's not going to be tonight."

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She stormed off, furious that I wouldn't help her with it.

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When I called her for supper, she ignored the first few calls. Once again I found myself sitting with my supper getting cold while I waited for her to check her blood sugar so I could give her her insulin. Her blood sugar had jumped up 100 points from the time we'd gotten home. I'd left the refrigerator unlocked while I was working at the sink. I calmly asked what she'd been into. She insisted she hadn't eaten anything. I told her I knew she'd had something. She got furious at me because I don't believe her. I know she's snuck food, and I know she's lying to me, and I'm calmly asking while she screams in response.

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I finally sat down to eat supper, and patiently explained to her that when I had to do all the work, I was going to be tired and grouchy and not have time to do special projects for her. She went back to her semi-clean room to sit in the dark and pout as I continued to work. She offered a couple of half hearted apologies, and was offended when I suggested that actions speak louder than words and she needed to show me she was sorry.

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I had asked her several times what she wanted for lunch tomorrow. We didn't have what she wanted, so she informed me she just wouldn't eat lunch. I had intended to do some baking tonight, but when I finally sat down after finishing the kitchen and laundry, I decided I wasn't going to start another project, I needed to sit and relax. She then decided she wanted to make a tuna salad sandwich for lunch tomorrow, and I needed to get up and unlock the refrigerator and pantry for her. I didn't jump right up, much to her dismay.

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She decided to come over and kneel down and put her head in my lap. I didn't immediately move my computer out of the way to make room for her. I looked at her and said, "You've been pushing me away all day."

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"I know."

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I'm tired this evening, and I'm frustrated with her attitude. I informed her I couldn't continue to work long hours at the church, do all the work at home, and get ready for the open house by myself-- I'd end up getting sick. She went to bed with the promise to make tomorrow a better day. Will she? I'll believe it when I see it.

Perspective

The director of Daughter's program is a therapist and the daughter of someone who had borderline personality disorder. She keeps reminding me that BPD is fear based. At first she questioned whether Daughter had it, but now she just keeps telling me, "It grows out of fear."

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I appreciate that perspective, but quite frankly, when I'm battling to get Daughter out of bed in the morning and she's calling me a b and dropping f-bombs, it's very hard to have much compassion. Very hard.

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I realized this morning, as I was engaged in the morning battle, that this move has given Daughter a great deal of power. In Tiny Village, we lived next door to the church. Most days the bus picked her up before I started work. My study was in our home, so many days I was working out of home, and if she refused to get up, it wasn't a big deal.

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All of that changed when we moved to Capital. I need to be at the church. Often there is a time I need to be at the church. That gives Daughter a great deal of power. She can mess up my day by refusing to get up in the morning. It means I engage in the battle rather than just walking away.

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Right now I can step back and see what is happening. I can understand that all the change has left Daughter more frightened. I can see that because I am more invested in the battle, it escalates it. I can see that I am giving Daughter a great deal of power. Unfortunately, right now I don't see a way to fix it. Sister Best Friend suggested I buy a water gun (preferably a super-soaker) and make use of it on those days Daughter doesn't want to get up. As she pointed out, her bed is already wet. Except, of course, the last 2 mornings it hasn't been wet.

The Program

Daughter's program is now meeting in the church. They started today. The room they are using is directly below my study, so I have heard them coming and going. Daughter was anxious about it today. She again tried to convince me that she didn't belong in this program and just wanted to hang out with me all day.

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We set up some rules-- she can't come find me. If she needs me, she's to act just like she did when the program was elsewhere-- she can call me or send me a text. So far I haven't heard from her, and I think that is a good thing. My hope is that once she gets through her first day at the church, she'll calm down until they move to their permanent home-- probably at the beginning of the year.

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Mondays I'm in the office alone, and there have been a number of people stop by today. I've had some good conversations. The heat in the sanctuary is not working properly. The service people have been out twice all ready, and will be coming out again Wednesday morning. Fortunately, we have been able to get it to provide heat with some extra attention, but hopefully they will be able to locate the problem and resolve it permanently.

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I finished another book today that gave me some insights into what needs to happen here and how I can best lead it. I made some notes, and am anxious to meet with the appropriate people to begin implementing my plans for the future. I am so happy and energized here. I'm grateful to God for giving me this opportunity.

Sunday Morning

Daughter apologized for her attitude this morning. Once she had apologized I informed her that any Sunday we had a morning battle, we wouldn't go out to eat after worship. She got a stricken look on her face. "Beginning today?"

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"Yup." I was pleased to see her dismay, but she was too smart to say anything.

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Worship was great this morning. I am so happy here in Capital. They are responsive to what I'm doing. I said, "Now here's bad news," and put up a graphic that said Election 2012. They all laughed with appreciation. Two of the visiting families from last week were back today. In fact, attendance was about 10% higher than what it has been running since I arrived (and they've been delighted with the improved attendance since I began). We had communion today, and I totally changed the way we do it. The changes were in fitting with the themes of Advent, and I carefully explained why we were doing it, but I was very much aware that we were running over, and feared that the only thing people would remember was that worship was longer than the magic hour. Wrong. Several people told me how much they liked the change, some were disappointed when I informed them that we weren't doing it this way every time, but we would do it this way occasionally. The woman who had set up communion the new way informed me it was too much work and she didn't like it. That was before the service, after worship, she was telling me how we'd make it easier next time.

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The co-chair of the search committee that called me told me after worship that I looked so happy as I was preaching, it looked like I was having fun. I assured him that I am. He went on to tell me that as good as I had been in the interview and the sermons they'd heard, I was much better now, and getting better every week.

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I hear that the woman who was discouraged and didn't seen a future for the church has decided we need a children's choir. We had 5 children today who were old enough for a choir-- up from 2 when I began. The congregation is delighted to see the return of the children's sermon. Today we put the wise men over on the sound desk as they begin their journey to Bethlehem. The stable is ready and waiting, with a couple of animals and an empty manger. Next week Mary and Joseph will arrive, and the following week we'll add a shepherd. The Christ child will arrive Christmas Eve.

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People are coming to me with ideas for improving things. That's exciting, and even more encouraging is that when I suggest how to implement it (which usually involves waiting for a strategically opportune time), they are very agreeable.

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Tonight we have a Christmas concert with our adult choir and bell choir. I'm looking forward to it. My only responsibility is to go there and enjoy it. Daughter is singing in the choir. Last night one of the members had a Christmas party, and Daughter and I went. There were some former members there, and a few people who aren't members. There were several people who were anxious to meet me because they'd been hearing things about me.

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One big change from Tiny Village is that these people are genuinely concerned about Daughter and me. People were noticing that Daughter made it today, and were asking if it had been a better week. They want to know. They are offering to help. We are so blessed to be here.

Pushing Buttons

"As soon as I'm done in the bathroom, you need to get in."
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"Okay."
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"I'm about done in the bathroom, be gathering the things you need."
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Silence.
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"You need to get moving."
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"I don't feel good."
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"Then go check your blood sugar. You need to get moving."
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Silence.
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I turned on her bedroom light, and headed towards her bed.
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"Okay, I'm moving!"
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She stayed in bed. I called her a few more times. She ignored me a few more times. I went in and pulled the covers off of her. Then I backed off and stood in her bedroom door.
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"Leave!"
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"I will leave as soon as you're in the shower."
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"Go away!"
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"Once you're in the shower, I'll leave you alone."
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"Stop staring at me!"
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"Get in the shower and I won't stare."
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"If you don't move, I'll be forced to physically hurt you."
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"I will move as soon as you're in the shower."
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"You don't respect me! I'm not going to respect you because you don't respect me."
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I think we both hit some buttons this morning. The respect comment was what did it for me. That's when I began to yell. But, she's showered and dressed. I now know that standing in her bedroom door gets her moving. It may not be pleasant, but it gets her moving.

Oscar

Since we have a new patio door that allows easy access to our back yard, we now have bird feeders outside the family room windows. The battle with Oscar began the same day I put out the bird feeders. Oscar is a big fat, sassy squirrel. He enjoys tormenting Kitten and me. Kitten sits in the window, tail twitching and making strangled, tormented sounds. Occasionally Oscar comes and gets on the outside sill, further tormenting poor Kitten.

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Oscar quickly figured out how to lift the top off the feeder on the post. I figured out how to secure it, but he continued to empty the feeder on a daily basis. I bought a new feeder that has a cage around the tube to keep squirrels out. The top is notched so you can turn it and secure it on the hanger. It took a couple of days, but Oscar figured out how to open the new feeder, too.

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I'm sure there will be many more rounds in this war. It's a nice diversion. The birds are just beginning to discover the feeder, so hopefully I will soon be able to focus on them rather than Oscar....

So There!

Today was my day off, and I actually slept in. It was almost 9:00 when I got up. Daughter got up quickly when I called, as she knew a member was coming to pick her up at 10:00 to walk her dog in the park. Daughter loves those walks. At noon, another member, V, came and picked her up for lunch and a movie. She told me she'd take her home, and I could just come get her when I finished what I was doing.

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V has made Daughter her project. She wants her to stop wetting the bed, and promises her all kinds of rewards if she'll stop. Daughter enjoys the attention, but doesn't appreciate the pressure.

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I took advantage of the time without Daughter to go to the warehouse store, where in addition to detergent and paper products, I bought items for the open house and some Christmas presents for Daughter. I did some other open house shopping, and then came home and unloaded the car, securing the food, and wrapping Daughter's Christmas presents. It was about 5:00 when I headed out to pick up Daughter. The plan was to pick her up and then stop at one more store to pick up a prescription for her and a couple more items I hadn't been able to get.

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When I arrived to pick Daughter up, she had been sleeping. They had a good time. V loaded me down with homemade vegetable soup for supper and a cheese ball and some peanut butter fudge. Daughter went out ahead of me, and V noticed that Daughter had a wet spot on her jeans. I felt bad about the couch, but V assured me it was fine, she had grandchildren.

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I still wanted to stop at the store, but couldn't leave Daughter in the car with the food. I didn't want to embarrass her by making her walk through the store with wet jeans. I told her she could tie her jacket around her waist and that would cover the wet spot. The sleeves weren't quite long enough, so she ended up holding the jacket. When we got back to the car, she was frustrated and embarrassed. I was asking her about her day, and pushing her a bit as she was noncommittal about the movie. Finally, her frustration burst out. "V keeps telling me that if I stop wetting the bed when they get back from Florida she'll do all these things with me. She's pressuring me! I can't stop wetting the bed!"

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Suddenly it made sense why she'd wet herself during a nap, which is unusual. It was her way of showing V that she couldn't stop her from wetting the bed. It was her, way of saying, "So there!"

Less than 24 Hours

If you're wondering how long Daughter was able to maintain, the answer is in: less than 24 hours. She wet herself right before the end of the day at her program.

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I don't know how or when, but the chocolate chip cookies in the freezer found their way into her bedroom.

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She went ballistic last night. I figured out she was scared because a nurse is going to do some training on diabetes with the staff at her program today, and called me for information.

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She balked (but not too badly) at getting up this morning.

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Next week she will be attending 5 days a week. Next week I will have a day off from work and Daughter. I am looking forward to it.

Celebrations

• When we got home yesterday evening, Daughter noticed the dishes in the dishwasher were clean and unloaded it. Then she put away the clean dishes in the drainer (which she hates doing. Then she moved on to the floor. When I ask her to do the floor, she says, "I don't do a good job."
• This weekend Daughter put a few ornaments on the tree and informed me it was done. She then took the ornament boxes back downstairs. Yesterday evening she helped me put lots more ornaments on the tree and do other decorating and made numerous trips up and down the basement stairs getting items we needed. She did it cheerfully.
• Yesterday evening Daughter decided to take a shower and wash her hair. "I feel dirty." Generally, she avoids showers, and will even try to convince me she's showered when she hasn't.
• We were without hot water for a while yesterday evening. When a friend came over to help me troubleshoot, we discovered that the hot water heater was turned way down. Way down. This morning we had hot showers. Both of us had hot showers. Daughter started her linens and was upset about the smoke in the laundry room. I figured out she was seeing steam from the washing machine.
• This morning when my alarm went off at 5:3o, Daughter was up and in the shower. That was after she was an hour late getting to bed yesterday evening.
• This morning I observed, "You look happy." She looked over both shoulders, said, "Who, me?" and then proceeded to do a happy dance.
• As of Monday, Daughter will be attending her program 5 days a week (and it will be here at the church).