Tomorrow I return to work. As I look back on my vacation, I accomplished quite a bit in the yard, though not as much as I had hoped. I always seem to be a little too optimistic about what I will be able to accomplish. I did enjoy the break from my normal routine. I liked taking on tasks that resulted in change I could see. So often in ministry, we plant seeds, but are never sure what kind of soil they are falling on. Too often we don't know if the seeds we have labored to plant are growing. It can be hard to know if we're making a difference.
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This morning we went to a neighboring church where a friend is pastor. I appreciated his message, which was what I needed to hear. Of course, now it's up to me to do something with the seeds he gave me. Will I nurture them so they will grow? Will I take the Word he proclaimed and allow it to work in my life and ministry? This afternoon is a time to spiritually prepare myself for my return to work tomorrow. I'll need to hit the ground running, as I'm meeting with a family tomorrow evening about a memorial service on Wednesday. I also need to get a number of newsletter articles written. It will be a busy week, and hopefully a good one.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Saturday, July 30, 2011
The Aftermath
Guilt drove Daughter to clean the garage while I mowed the lawn today. I had a new garage door installed this week (the 32 year old wooden door was rotting out). We had to move some things to give the men room to work, so Daughter put those things back where they belonged and did a general cleaning. She did a decent job. I think the hot outside work of the last few days has caught up with me. I slept for a couple of hours this afternoon-- something I rarely do. It's back to work on Monday. I'm looking forward to getting back into the routine. While we didn't get everything done I would have liked, I'm delighted with the progress we made in the yard.
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I'm pleased that she turned it around so quickly. Sometimes guilt will feed her downward spiral. She was quite proud of herself, saying, "Yeah, Me!" as she talked about how she'd turned things around.
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I'm pleased that she turned it around so quickly. Sometimes guilt will feed her downward spiral. She was quite proud of herself, saying, "Yeah, Me!" as she talked about how she'd turned things around.
The Morning After
Daughter asked me to make blueberry pancakes today. I'd bought some blueberries for the dessert last night. She did so well yesterday, I decided to make them. She was slow getting up this morning, and I had to call her several times, which surprised me, since I was sure she could smell the sausage and pancakes I was making.
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Her blood sugar was sky high. She finally confessed to breaking into the pantry and pigging out on crackers. I guess she couldn't handle being cooperative for 24 hours.
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Her blood sugar was sky high. She finally confessed to breaking into the pantry and pigging out on crackers. I guess she couldn't handle being cooperative for 24 hours.
Friday, July 29, 2011
A Good Day
Daughter worked with me today to get ready to host Sister Best Friend and her husband for supper tonight. Daughter did a great job of sticking with it. She complained a few times, but they were all minor complaints. She cleaned both bathrooms and helped with the laundry.
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I grilled hamburgers, Italian sausage, corn, green peppers and onions, and peaches. We ate outside under the trees. My house is shaped like an L, and the patio is on the inside corner. I realized this week that the family room blocks the breezes from hitting the patio. I may have to extend the patio out into the yard a ways-- I'll probably see about using pavers to do it. But that's a project for another year. It was a pleasant day followed by a pleasant evening. Life is much more pleasant when Daughter is being cooperative.
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I grilled hamburgers, Italian sausage, corn, green peppers and onions, and peaches. We ate outside under the trees. My house is shaped like an L, and the patio is on the inside corner. I realized this week that the family room blocks the breezes from hitting the patio. I may have to extend the patio out into the yard a ways-- I'll probably see about using pavers to do it. But that's a project for another year. It was a pleasant day followed by a pleasant evening. Life is much more pleasant when Daughter is being cooperative.
Foiled Again
Yesterday afternoon and evening I was working in the yard. I cleared out one garden, transplanting most of the plants to other areas, and then I planted the flowers I had removed to make a garden for my berries. Daughter worked along side me when she got home, and we were late coming in for supper. I hadn't planned anything, and I was tired. I offered her several options. Of course she rejected them all. "I want bread and jam and milk and fruit." She knew, of course, that there were too many carbs and not enough protein. She was stubborn. "I don't care. I want fruit and milk."
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After thinking for a minute, I told her I'd make nachos, putting some ground turkey seasoned for taco on baked tortilla chips with a little cheese on top. Then she could also have her milk and fruit. "Never mind. I won't eat it."
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I wasn't supposed to figure out how to give her what she wanted. I was supposed to say no so she could argue and have a reason to be mad at me. I made the nachos and gave her a choice on fruit. She chose grapes.
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I was quite pleased with the way I short circuited her attempt to suck me into an argument. I was also pleased with the way she helped me finish up yesterday's yard work. There is still more to do, of course, but I'm pleased with what we've accomplished this week. Once the rain stops, we'll paint the privacy fence. I think that will complete this year's yard projects. In the spring I'll put in raised garden for fruits and vegetables.
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After thinking for a minute, I told her I'd make nachos, putting some ground turkey seasoned for taco on baked tortilla chips with a little cheese on top. Then she could also have her milk and fruit. "Never mind. I won't eat it."
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I wasn't supposed to figure out how to give her what she wanted. I was supposed to say no so she could argue and have a reason to be mad at me. I made the nachos and gave her a choice on fruit. She chose grapes.
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I was quite pleased with the way I short circuited her attempt to suck me into an argument. I was also pleased with the way she helped me finish up yesterday's yard work. There is still more to do, of course, but I'm pleased with what we've accomplished this week. Once the rain stops, we'll paint the privacy fence. I think that will complete this year's yard projects. In the spring I'll put in raised garden for fruits and vegetables.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Fresh Meat
Some new young men have started in Daughter's program. She is turning on the charm. One is smitten. Her program manager has warned his mother that Daughter is not good girl friend material. I wish I could put a warning label on her telling guys she will break their hearts. Program manager pointed out the guys would probably just view that as a challenge. Sigh.
"I Collapsed on the Bus"
Daughter called this morning after she got to her program to inform me she had collapsed on her bus. "That sounds dramatic."
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"Oh, it was."
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So I'm sitting here wondering why she's calling me and not the bus driver or one of the workers at her program. Experience suggested that I wasn't getting the complete story. She reported her blood sugar to me, and I observed that wouldn't have caused her to collapse, no matter what she said.
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"Well, when I say collapse, I mean I fell asleep."
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When you get on the bus at 6:30 in the morning, and are on it for over an hour, sleeping doesn't sound like a problem to me-- it sounds like a smart thing to do!
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"Oh, it was."
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So I'm sitting here wondering why she's calling me and not the bus driver or one of the workers at her program. Experience suggested that I wasn't getting the complete story. She reported her blood sugar to me, and I observed that wouldn't have caused her to collapse, no matter what she said.
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"Well, when I say collapse, I mean I fell asleep."
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When you get on the bus at 6:30 in the morning, and are on it for over an hour, sleeping doesn't sound like a problem to me-- it sounds like a smart thing to do!
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Psychiatrist
Part of the mystery of Daughter's recent behaviors is solved: she wants to be hospitalized. She knows the language well. In fact, this evening, she was trying again to convince me she needed to be in the hospital, and informed me that she is a danger to herself and others. She's not going to the hospital, but we are increasing her antidepressant. If she gets better, we'll know the problem is depression, if she gets worse, we'll know she's doing some rapid cycling.
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She also confessed today that she's been getting a hold of the insulin at her program and taking extra. We had suspected as much, but couldn't figure out how. We still don't know how, as she isn't able to explain in a manner we've been able to understand.
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I'm concerned about her grasp of reality right now. On the way to the psychiatrist she was trying to convince me she's pregnant, and insisted that you don't need sperm to get pregnant....
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She did work with me in the yard for a while this afternoon. We cut down some large bushes in the backyard. I'm also getting ready to move some flowers and other plants around. I offered her the option of staying home the rest of the week, but she informed me she needs to be at her program. I think she needs the stability and structure it offers her. I hope that the increase in medication will help her get back on track. I hope.
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She also confessed today that she's been getting a hold of the insulin at her program and taking extra. We had suspected as much, but couldn't figure out how. We still don't know how, as she isn't able to explain in a manner we've been able to understand.
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I'm concerned about her grasp of reality right now. On the way to the psychiatrist she was trying to convince me she's pregnant, and insisted that you don't need sperm to get pregnant....
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She did work with me in the yard for a while this afternoon. We cut down some large bushes in the backyard. I'm also getting ready to move some flowers and other plants around. I offered her the option of staying home the rest of the week, but she informed me she needs to be at her program. I think she needs the stability and structure it offers her. I hope that the increase in medication will help her get back on track. I hope.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
More Vacation
Today I met Sister and Short Niece at the zoo. I didn't tell Daughter we were going. It was a very pleasant day. I felt a little bit guilty about not taking Daughter, but from the calls and texts I've been receiving today, she's struggling. She was up too late last night, and it has taken a toll on her. She's twice asked me to come get her, and both times I've expressed confidence in her ability to cope and refused. I also reminded her that we'd spend all day tomorrow together.
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Now I need to go find a good park for our hike and picnic tomorrow.
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Now I need to go find a good park for our hike and picnic tomorrow.
Vacation
Yesterday finally felt like vacation. In the morning, I saw that there were still tickets available for my college's alumni outing to a local baseball game. Since it is cooler this week, I decided to go. I was a little concerned about how Daughter would handle it, but decided I wanted to go, so I'd risk it.
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I then spent the day working in the yard. One of the men from the church joined me. He installed gutter guards, and we cleared about 100 square feet and I planted blackberry, raspberry, and blueberry bushes. I still have to finish spreading the mulch around them. I also used landscape fabric, so hopefully I won't have to do battle with weeds.
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Daughter helped by putting things away when she got home. On the way to the game, I explained what I wanted from her:
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I then spent the day working in the yard. One of the men from the church joined me. He installed gutter guards, and we cleared about 100 square feet and I planted blackberry, raspberry, and blueberry bushes. I still have to finish spreading the mulch around them. I also used landscape fabric, so hopefully I won't have to do battle with weeds.
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Daughter helped by putting things away when she got home. On the way to the game, I explained what I wanted from her:
- No begging for food or souvenirs
- No hanging on me
- No jealousy if I was having fun
- No asking to leave early
I told her we'd go do something fun following her psychiatrist's appointment Wednesday if she was cooperative. She was more than cooperative-- she had a great time. She really got into the game. I enjoyed visiting with alums. I didn't know any of them prior to last night, but it was a very pleasant evening.
Today, I'm meeting Sister and Short Niece at the local zoo. I should have time to finish spreading the mulch before I meet them. I also need to do a little bit of shopping today.
Daughter has decided we should go hiking tomorrow and she wants to take PB & J sandwiches. This is something we normally do on our camping vacations. She usually complains and tells me she hates hiking and hates PB & J. I'm delighted that I'll get to go hiking. Now I just have to decide where we'll go.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Honest Dishonesty
This morning Daughter had a huge backpack that was very full that she was taking with her to her program. I asked her what was in it. "Just music and art supplies." She rushed out the door.
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It's early, so it took me a minute, but I figured it out and followed her out the door. "What are you taking to play the music?"
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"My portable DVD player."
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She is not allowed to take her portable DVD player to her program. She has taken too many things there and had them destroyed. The DVD player is basically for her to use at the church and on trips. We've had this conversation multiple times.
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"Wrong! Bring it here."
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She was quite unhappy that I made her take it out in front of me. "See, this is why I don't like to tell you things."
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"Why, so you can break the rules?"
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"Yes!" With that honest answer, she stormed out of the house. I am looking forward to 10 hours without her today. I have a man coming to help me in the yard. It will be a good day.
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I think tonight I will begin inspecting the bags she intends to take with her to her program. For now, though, she's someone else's problem.
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It's early, so it took me a minute, but I figured it out and followed her out the door. "What are you taking to play the music?"
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"My portable DVD player."
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She is not allowed to take her portable DVD player to her program. She has taken too many things there and had them destroyed. The DVD player is basically for her to use at the church and on trips. We've had this conversation multiple times.
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"Wrong! Bring it here."
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She was quite unhappy that I made her take it out in front of me. "See, this is why I don't like to tell you things."
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"Why, so you can break the rules?"
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"Yes!" With that honest answer, she stormed out of the house. I am looking forward to 10 hours without her today. I have a man coming to help me in the yard. It will be a good day.
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I think tonight I will begin inspecting the bags she intends to take with her to her program. For now, though, she's someone else's problem.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Worship
So we went to Short Niece's VBS program this morning. It was during the 9:00 worship service, and the service was short with not much content. It was nice to watch SN and the other kids, but when it was over I found myself long to stay for the later service. I mentioned this desire to Sister. She decided she wanted to go to it, too. She asked Daughter to come to it, and Daughter agreed.
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The second service was exactly what I needed. The preacher was talking about wilderness times in our lives. He spoke to the pain in my heart. Daughter came out of the service crying. She was convicted when we were given silence in which to pray for "family and friends." I reminded her that the preacher talked about our failures leading to spiritual growth.
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After a delicious lunch, we went back to Sister's house. Daughter and SN played on the wii, and Sister and I talked. Daughter promised me to turn it around. She has completed some of the work from yesterday. She's watching TV until 6:30, and the she'd going to come upstairs and clean up her bedroom. She trashed it yesterday while she was packing to move to Previous State. I have had the courage to ask her if that is still what she wants to do. For now, I'm just enjoying an easier afternoon. Tomorrow she will be back in her program, and I will still be on vacation. I'm going to work in the yard. Tuesday, Sister and Short Niece may come to do something fun.
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The second service was exactly what I needed. The preacher was talking about wilderness times in our lives. He spoke to the pain in my heart. Daughter came out of the service crying. She was convicted when we were given silence in which to pray for "family and friends." I reminded her that the preacher talked about our failures leading to spiritual growth.
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After a delicious lunch, we went back to Sister's house. Daughter and SN played on the wii, and Sister and I talked. Daughter promised me to turn it around. She has completed some of the work from yesterday. She's watching TV until 6:30, and the she'd going to come upstairs and clean up her bedroom. She trashed it yesterday while she was packing to move to Previous State. I have had the courage to ask her if that is still what she wants to do. For now, I'm just enjoying an easier afternoon. Tomorrow she will be back in her program, and I will still be on vacation. I'm going to work in the yard. Tuesday, Sister and Short Niece may come to do something fun.
Strength for Today
This morning I read a passage from Romans. Romans 12:12 spoke powerfully to me today: "Rejoice in hope, be patient in suffering, persevere in prayer."
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Daughter is already up-- when you spend an entire day sleeping you don't need as much sleep at night. She has promised to make today a better day, and she is currently listening to Christian music, "My day goes better when I start by listening to my Christian music, Mom." I begin this new day rejoicing in the hope that Daughter will make it a better day. We are headed to church with Sister and Short Niece today. It is their Vacation Bible School program, so we will get to see Short Niece be a part of that. I'm glad that I'm off today so that we can do that.
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Yesterday my patience was wearing thin. Hopefully my supply of patience will be refilled by a better day with Daughter and time with Sister and Short Niece. I know that it is only prayer that carries me through the hard days with Daughter. Interestingly, when I was writing the verse from memory I changed "prayer" to "love." It is prayer that enables me to continue to love Daughter.
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Loving Daughter through the ups and downs of life has given me a greater understanding of God's love. If I can continue to love Daughter, in spite of all she puts me through, how much more does God love? I view my human love as an imperfect reflection of God's perfect love. That is also a source of hope for me today: God's love for Daughter and me.
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I'm looking forward to a better day.
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Daughter is already up-- when you spend an entire day sleeping you don't need as much sleep at night. She has promised to make today a better day, and she is currently listening to Christian music, "My day goes better when I start by listening to my Christian music, Mom." I begin this new day rejoicing in the hope that Daughter will make it a better day. We are headed to church with Sister and Short Niece today. It is their Vacation Bible School program, so we will get to see Short Niece be a part of that. I'm glad that I'm off today so that we can do that.
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Yesterday my patience was wearing thin. Hopefully my supply of patience will be refilled by a better day with Daughter and time with Sister and Short Niece. I know that it is only prayer that carries me through the hard days with Daughter. Interestingly, when I was writing the verse from memory I changed "prayer" to "love." It is prayer that enables me to continue to love Daughter.
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Loving Daughter through the ups and downs of life has given me a greater understanding of God's love. If I can continue to love Daughter, in spite of all she puts me through, how much more does God love? I view my human love as an imperfect reflection of God's perfect love. That is also a source of hope for me today: God's love for Daughter and me.
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I'm looking forward to a better day.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Daughter's Talent
Daughter said that she cleaned the bathroom and did all the trimming. Except the floor was still dirty, the toilet hadn't been cleaned, and she didn't trim along the fence or around the tree (I'm not sure where she did trim). When I pointed this out to her, she retreated to her bedroom, where she slept the rest of the day. It takes talent to sleep that much. She just came out, hungry.
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I told her that if she'd vacuum two area rugs, I'd get her supper. She pulled out the vacuum and the area rugs. She managed to destroy them both. She didn't get either one clean, and she left dirt from the rugs all over the kitchen floor. It takes talent to make such a huge mess while supposedly cleaning. She retreated to her bedroom without asking for supper. She's in a surly mood, to say the least. She yelled at Kitten, "Stop glaring at me or I'll smack your butt!" This got me curious. "Does that work? If I smack your butt will you stop glaring at me?" I don't think she appreciated my question.
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Right now my goal is to keep her alive until Tuesday. Tuesday she sees the psychiatrist. Maybe a medication adjustment will help. I hate seeing her this miserable, and there isn't anything I can do to fix this. She has decided that I am standing in the way of her achieving her goals. I am the enemy right now, and there's not much I can do that will change that. I said I wasn't going to let her drag me down. It isn't working.
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Now I'm going to go warm up a hamburger for her. I'll give her that and a peach for supper. Of course she won't be grateful. She'll tell me I fixed it wrong or something. But after complaining, she'll eat it.
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I told her that if she'd vacuum two area rugs, I'd get her supper. She pulled out the vacuum and the area rugs. She managed to destroy them both. She didn't get either one clean, and she left dirt from the rugs all over the kitchen floor. It takes talent to make such a huge mess while supposedly cleaning. She retreated to her bedroom without asking for supper. She's in a surly mood, to say the least. She yelled at Kitten, "Stop glaring at me or I'll smack your butt!" This got me curious. "Does that work? If I smack your butt will you stop glaring at me?" I don't think she appreciated my question.
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Right now my goal is to keep her alive until Tuesday. Tuesday she sees the psychiatrist. Maybe a medication adjustment will help. I hate seeing her this miserable, and there isn't anything I can do to fix this. She has decided that I am standing in the way of her achieving her goals. I am the enemy right now, and there's not much I can do that will change that. I said I wasn't going to let her drag me down. It isn't working.
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Now I'm going to go warm up a hamburger for her. I'll give her that and a peach for supper. Of course she won't be grateful. She'll tell me I fixed it wrong or something. But after complaining, she'll eat it.
Daughter's New Goal
At 10:17 this morning I finished mowing the front yard and came in to refill my water bottle. Daughter walked by carrying the clothes she planned to put on. I ignored her and got my water. She muttered about my unfair treatment of her and returned to her bedroom to get dressed.
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At 10:40 I had finished half of the back yard and came in to get a baseball cap to hold up my hair and keep the sweat out of my eyes. She offered a cursory apology, and I explained that when she'd done some work, to let me know and I'd get her breakfast. She checked her blood sugar, which was very high, so I didn't worry about not feeding her right away.
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It was 11:15 and I had finished mowing and done some weeding. I sat down in one of the chairs on the front porch to drink some more water and take a break. Daughter came out and joined me. She again apologized for being a turd. Then she informed me there was a reason she was treating me that way, but she couldn't tell me because I'd explode. I pointed out that I don't explode very often, and suggested she tell me the reason.
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Yesterday when we were at the doctor's we were discussing some menstrual irregularities. We're going to monitor them for now, but Daughter freaked out that there might be a problem. She called me yesterday afternoon and told me all her hair down there had come out. I told her to relax, she'd be fine. When she got home, she informed me she had a "massive infection" and insisted come look at the missing hair. I quickly determined she had shaved. I again assured her she'd be fine.
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So this morning she told me there was a reason she'd shaved. She has been exchanging instant messages on facebook with a Guy she knew in Previous State. She informed me their entire conversation was "about the S word." She intends to go back to Previous State and "ruin my life." I kid you not-- she won't even say the word, and she recognizes that moving in with this guy is not a good idea, but her goal is to "ruin my life."
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I didn't explode, much to her disappointment. I asked her what she wanted me to say. She wants me to tell her she can't do it. I'm not going to do that. I'm also not going to allow her access to a computer. She assures me that Guy is doing great-- he's working in industry, living on his own, and paying all of his own bills. I asked if facebook was the only way she was communicating with him, and she explained that he lived in a part of Previous State where he couldn't get long distance phone service.
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She did a little bit of work badly, and I gave her oatmeal and milk to eat. Now she's planning to walk to the library. I'm sure she thinks she can get on the computer and message him. She doesn't have a realistic plan for getting there-- she has $5, and she plans to buy a bus ticket and take the bus back. Of course, the bus doesn't stop within 30 miles of where he lives, and she has no idea where the bus station is here or what a ticket would cost. She's going to do lots of work to earn the money for the ticket, including cleaning around here and cleaning the homes of several church members. I wonder if she really thinks we'll give her the money to achieve her goal of "ruining my life."
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It's going to be an interesting weekend, to say the least.
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At 10:40 I had finished half of the back yard and came in to get a baseball cap to hold up my hair and keep the sweat out of my eyes. She offered a cursory apology, and I explained that when she'd done some work, to let me know and I'd get her breakfast. She checked her blood sugar, which was very high, so I didn't worry about not feeding her right away.
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It was 11:15 and I had finished mowing and done some weeding. I sat down in one of the chairs on the front porch to drink some more water and take a break. Daughter came out and joined me. She again apologized for being a turd. Then she informed me there was a reason she was treating me that way, but she couldn't tell me because I'd explode. I pointed out that I don't explode very often, and suggested she tell me the reason.
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Yesterday when we were at the doctor's we were discussing some menstrual irregularities. We're going to monitor them for now, but Daughter freaked out that there might be a problem. She called me yesterday afternoon and told me all her hair down there had come out. I told her to relax, she'd be fine. When she got home, she informed me she had a "massive infection" and insisted come look at the missing hair. I quickly determined she had shaved. I again assured her she'd be fine.
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So this morning she told me there was a reason she'd shaved. She has been exchanging instant messages on facebook with a Guy she knew in Previous State. She informed me their entire conversation was "about the S word." She intends to go back to Previous State and "ruin my life." I kid you not-- she won't even say the word, and she recognizes that moving in with this guy is not a good idea, but her goal is to "ruin my life."
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I didn't explode, much to her disappointment. I asked her what she wanted me to say. She wants me to tell her she can't do it. I'm not going to do that. I'm also not going to allow her access to a computer. She assures me that Guy is doing great-- he's working in industry, living on his own, and paying all of his own bills. I asked if facebook was the only way she was communicating with him, and she explained that he lived in a part of Previous State where he couldn't get long distance phone service.
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She did a little bit of work badly, and I gave her oatmeal and milk to eat. Now she's planning to walk to the library. I'm sure she thinks she can get on the computer and message him. She doesn't have a realistic plan for getting there-- she has $5, and she plans to buy a bus ticket and take the bus back. Of course, the bus doesn't stop within 30 miles of where he lives, and she has no idea where the bus station is here or what a ticket would cost. She's going to do lots of work to earn the money for the ticket, including cleaning around here and cleaning the homes of several church members. I wonder if she really thinks we'll give her the money to achieve her goal of "ruining my life."
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It's going to be an interesting weekend, to say the least.
Plan 7,354
I'm not going to allow Daughter to hold me hostage, so it's time for a new plan. I have secured all the food behind double locks, and also locked up all the knives and money. I have made the house as safe as I can for her to be here unsupervised. I am going to go out and work in the yard this morning. I'm not going to engage her. She's still in bed, and I'm not going to worry about when she gets up.
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At some point today, I will get the things I need to make a bunch of pb&j sandwiches for the freezer. One of my frustrations is that she can quit, but I still have to provide for her: diabetes management, food, medication. Those frozen sandwiches will become her meals when she's being ugly. They won't require work or thought from me, which will help with my resentment level.
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Her computer and the TV remotes will also be locked up. She can sit in the house feeling sorry for herself, or she can do some work around here to earn back some privileges. It will be her choice. I'm going to work very hard at not engaging. She will either wake up this morning feeling guilty and go into suck up mode with me, or she'll wake up resentful and escalate things. I'm going to work hard at not engaging, whatever she does. I'm going to do the things that feed me.
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At some point today, I will get the things I need to make a bunch of pb&j sandwiches for the freezer. One of my frustrations is that she can quit, but I still have to provide for her: diabetes management, food, medication. Those frozen sandwiches will become her meals when she's being ugly. They won't require work or thought from me, which will help with my resentment level.
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Her computer and the TV remotes will also be locked up. She can sit in the house feeling sorry for herself, or she can do some work around here to earn back some privileges. It will be her choice. I'm going to work very hard at not engaging. She will either wake up this morning feeling guilty and go into suck up mode with me, or she'll wake up resentful and escalate things. I'm going to work hard at not engaging, whatever she does. I'm going to do the things that feed me.
Friday, July 22, 2011
Realization
Yesterday Sister Best Friend invited us to join her church at an event here in Capital. It would have been fun. I declined, though, because I knew that Daughter would complain and make me miserable.
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I decided I wanted to go to the place that is supposed to have the best pizza in the area tonight. I negotiated with Daughter, telling her I'd take her out if she promised not to argue with me about the order. I told her we wouldn't go if she was going to argue. So she promised. She didn't argue about the pizza I ordered, though she said it would have been better with mushrooms (I didn't order the one I really wanted, because it had mushrooms and I didn't want to listen to her complain about the mushrooms which she has always claimed to hate). She did argue about how many pieces she could eat. Then she excused herself to go the restroom. I sat waiting for her return and wondering what was keeping her so long.
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I want to do something fun tomorrow, but I can't think of anything we could do that Daughter wouldn't sabotage. This is no way to live.
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I decided I wanted to go to the place that is supposed to have the best pizza in the area tonight. I negotiated with Daughter, telling her I'd take her out if she promised not to argue with me about the order. I told her we wouldn't go if she was going to argue. So she promised. She didn't argue about the pizza I ordered, though she said it would have been better with mushrooms (I didn't order the one I really wanted, because it had mushrooms and I didn't want to listen to her complain about the mushrooms which she has always claimed to hate). She did argue about how many pieces she could eat. Then she excused herself to go the restroom. I sat waiting for her return and wondering what was keeping her so long.
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I want to do something fun tomorrow, but I can't think of anything we could do that Daughter wouldn't sabotage. This is no way to live.
A Conversation
Today I took Daughter to the doctor for her 3 month check-up. Her blood sugar control is better, her weight is down, and her kidney function is down. (I'm trying to celebrate 2 out of 3.)
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We had an interesting conversation in the car. She has continued to tell me she's not ready to be responsible, and that's why she's getting into food. So I asked her if she thought that if she wasn't responsible, that would mean she could stay with me longer because she couldn't move out while she wasn't being responsible.
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She wasn't happy at being figured out. I tried to explain to her that the stress her irresponsibility was putting on me was going to result in her moving out sooner, not later. I also told her that if she couldn't be responsible, she'd have fewer options and might not end up in the place she'd like to be. She told me several times how scared she is. I told her if she wanted to stay with me, she'd best start showing more responsibility.
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She apologized, telling me she didn't mean to be hard on me. Does she understand? Maybe, for the moment. Will the conversation stop the behavior? Doubtful.
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The heat has made me cranky. It's hard to be hopeful when your cranky. It's not just the heat making me cranky: her medical assistance plan won't cover insulin pens for anyone who isn't legally blind. The doctor's office is going to try to convince them that because she has multiple people dealing with her insulin that the pen provides for more accurate dosages, but I'm not optimistic.
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We had an interesting conversation in the car. She has continued to tell me she's not ready to be responsible, and that's why she's getting into food. So I asked her if she thought that if she wasn't responsible, that would mean she could stay with me longer because she couldn't move out while she wasn't being responsible.
.
She wasn't happy at being figured out. I tried to explain to her that the stress her irresponsibility was putting on me was going to result in her moving out sooner, not later. I also told her that if she couldn't be responsible, she'd have fewer options and might not end up in the place she'd like to be. She told me several times how scared she is. I told her if she wanted to stay with me, she'd best start showing more responsibility.
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She apologized, telling me she didn't mean to be hard on me. Does she understand? Maybe, for the moment. Will the conversation stop the behavior? Doubtful.
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The heat has made me cranky. It's hard to be hopeful when your cranky. It's not just the heat making me cranky: her medical assistance plan won't cover insulin pens for anyone who isn't legally blind. The doctor's office is going to try to convince them that because she has multiple people dealing with her insulin that the pen provides for more accurate dosages, but I'm not optimistic.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Over 2 Hours
I spent over 2 hours filling pill boxes this morning. I filled 4 weeks for Daughter and 8 weeks for me. All the medications had been sitting on the kitchen table, so getting them put away felt good. Of course, I then went to see my nurse practitioner, who changed a couple of my meds, but that's taken care of, too.
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Once again when I went to the pharmacy to pick up Daughter's meds yesterday, there were problems. They forgot to bill her secondary on two of them. Her insurance company is still refusing to cover one, even though her doctor called to get prior authorization. I'm so tired of dealing with them. She has an appointment with her doctor tomorrow, so I'm going to let them deal with it.
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My sister has yet to sign and return the forms accepting her role as back-up guardian for Daughter. I think she's having second thoughts. As I consider the time I spend fighting for Daughter's rights, I can understand why she doesn't want to take it on. Both of my sisters are afraid of Daughter. It breaks my heart to think that when I die, Daughter will have a public guardian, because there won't be a family member willing to take it on.
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This has been a rough week. I hope that the time I spent filling pill boxes this morning will help me get back on track. I hope.
.
Once again when I went to the pharmacy to pick up Daughter's meds yesterday, there were problems. They forgot to bill her secondary on two of them. Her insurance company is still refusing to cover one, even though her doctor called to get prior authorization. I'm so tired of dealing with them. She has an appointment with her doctor tomorrow, so I'm going to let them deal with it.
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My sister has yet to sign and return the forms accepting her role as back-up guardian for Daughter. I think she's having second thoughts. As I consider the time I spend fighting for Daughter's rights, I can understand why she doesn't want to take it on. Both of my sisters are afraid of Daughter. It breaks my heart to think that when I die, Daughter will have a public guardian, because there won't be a family member willing to take it on.
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This has been a rough week. I hope that the time I spent filling pill boxes this morning will help me get back on track. I hope.
Getting It
I had an email exchange with Daughter's Case Manager yesterday. She wanted an update on how things were going. I told her Daughter was back to sneaking food. She suggested she set up an appointment with the nutritionist on staff to explain to Daughter her nutrition needs. It's a good thing it was a email exchange, because it meant she didn't see my reaction to her suggestion. I was measured in my response, explaining that Daughter understood what she was doing and the danger in it. She understands her nutritional needs. This isn't about the food, it's about manipulation. I had to pick her up from her program yesterday because she was having one of those lows that doesn't respond to treatment as the bus was coming to get her. Her Program Manager and I are convinced that she did something to cause it, but we have no idea what or how, and she's not going to tell us. I sent snacks today. They are to feed her at 3:00, which should eliminate mysterious lows that require me to go pick her up--at least until she comes up with another way to manipulate her blood sugar. I'm glad that Program Manager gets it. Hopefully Case Manager will get it eventually.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Taking Responsibility
Yesterday Daughter's counselor gave her a work sheet on taking responsibility for one's actions. I glanced at it, and it's about being an adult and not blaming others for things you do. Some of the hypothetical situations involve housemates.
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Daughter was subdued when we left. We went out to eat and then to the warehouse store. As we headed home she told me she wanted to talk. I turned off the radio to listen. She has decided that she will work hard and save so that she can live completely on her own. She doesn't want to have to live with anyone else.
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I won't get into all the problems with that idea, from finances to safety around food. What was disturbing, though, was her characterization of some of the people in her program as not being human. It was a very discouraging conversation. I asked her if it had to do with the worksheet, and she acknowledged it did. She went on to say that she wasn't ready to be responsible. Sigh.
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Daughter was subdued when we left. We went out to eat and then to the warehouse store. As we headed home she told me she wanted to talk. I turned off the radio to listen. She has decided that she will work hard and save so that she can live completely on her own. She doesn't want to have to live with anyone else.
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I won't get into all the problems with that idea, from finances to safety around food. What was disturbing, though, was her characterization of some of the people in her program as not being human. It was a very discouraging conversation. I asked her if it had to do with the worksheet, and she acknowledged it did. She went on to say that she wasn't ready to be responsible. Sigh.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Vacation and Health
I am now officially on vacation. Yesterday I caught up on all the laundry and went shopping. I also had more blood work done in preparation for my appointment Thursday. I should come out of that appointment with a referral to a rheumatologist. I bought some fruit bushes for the backyard, but haven't done anything with them yet. It is very hot here, just like it is in much of the country this week. I got very good prices on them, buying this late in the season. I also had to go to 3 different stores to find what I was looking for.
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Perhaps my biggest goal for this week is to do some reflecting and set some priorities for my work going forward. I need to work more efficiently so that I'm working fewer hours and getting more done. I don't want to give up chat time with people who stop by the church. From some conversations I had last week, I know that the congregation loves being able to stop in and chat. They could do that with the founding pastor, but not with those who followed him.
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As I've pondered my health issues, I've decided that they are a clear message that I need to take better care of myself. I have found comfort in the thought that God called me to this place and will help me fulfill that calling. The health issues are a reminder that I need to be a good steward of my body. Sometimes I'm a slow learner.
.
Perhaps my biggest goal for this week is to do some reflecting and set some priorities for my work going forward. I need to work more efficiently so that I'm working fewer hours and getting more done. I don't want to give up chat time with people who stop by the church. From some conversations I had last week, I know that the congregation loves being able to stop in and chat. They could do that with the founding pastor, but not with those who followed him.
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As I've pondered my health issues, I've decided that they are a clear message that I need to take better care of myself. I have found comfort in the thought that God called me to this place and will help me fulfill that calling. The health issues are a reminder that I need to be a good steward of my body. Sometimes I'm a slow learner.
Monday, July 18, 2011
The First Day Back
Daughter was calling me by 9:00 this morning, sobbing and begging me to come get her. Nine new people began while she was gone, and she was having a hard time adjusting. That's not what she told me, but that was the program manager's explanation in a series of text messages. I told Daughter that the first day back is always hard and I had confidence in her ability to cope. I told her I'd see her this evening. I then went out for a blood draw and to the store. She called the house multiple times while I was gone, but didn't call my cell.
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I had considered keeping her home tomorrow because she has two appointments. Instead, I'm going to drop her off after the first appointment and pick her up before the second. I don't want her to have to suffer through the first day back twice this week! Change is hard for Daughter. Hopefully the rest of the week will be easier for her.
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I had considered keeping her home tomorrow because she has two appointments. Instead, I'm going to drop her off after the first appointment and pick her up before the second. I don't want her to have to suffer through the first day back twice this week! Change is hard for Daughter. Hopefully the rest of the week will be easier for her.
Slip and Slide
Friday night one of the youth groups at the community center with us set up a long sheet of plastic on a hill. They added a hose and dish soap, and they had a water slide. Daughter put on some old shorts and a t-shirt and joined them. The rest of our group had seats above the slide at picnic tables. We chanted Daughter's name and did the wave for her. On her first trip down, a girl followed too quickly and ran into Daughter. We watched as she decided if she was injured or not. We could tell she was okay, but were doing commentary on the situation.
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"She's trying to decide how much sympathy she'll get."
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"She's decided there's no sympathy there, she's headed up the hill."
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"Oh, no-- some of the girls are offering her sympathy."
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"Look,she has an audience, she's crying."
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As three girls huddled around her as she sat on the ground crying, someone in our group started us chanting her name. It worked. She stopped crying, got up, and got in line to go down the hill again.
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The people in our group saw some of her tricks, and they understand. One night we were going to go out for ice cream right after supper. She wanted cake and ice cream at supper, and protested when I told her she needed to wait for the trip to the ice cream parlor. Finally I said, "You can have cake and ice cream now, or you can have ice cream at the ice cream parlor. I don't care which you choose, it's up to you." She then pouted because I was giving her an option. She chose to wait for the parlour, and refused to admit she'd made the right decision later.
The group watched my interactions with Daughter. They saw her mood swings. They saw the challenges. They get it. It's a wonderful gift to have them understand the challenges and support me. She really did do very well. It was her third week away from home and out of her routine. Two of those weeks were for new things. She really did handle it well.
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She's off to her program today. I'm home alone. I'm going to be doing some work around the house today, but first, I may go back to bed.
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"She's trying to decide how much sympathy she'll get."
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"She's decided there's no sympathy there, she's headed up the hill."
.
"Oh, no-- some of the girls are offering her sympathy."
.
"Look,she has an audience, she's crying."
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As three girls huddled around her as she sat on the ground crying, someone in our group started us chanting her name. It worked. She stopped crying, got up, and got in line to go down the hill again.
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The people in our group saw some of her tricks, and they understand. One night we were going to go out for ice cream right after supper. She wanted cake and ice cream at supper, and protested when I told her she needed to wait for the trip to the ice cream parlor. Finally I said, "You can have cake and ice cream now, or you can have ice cream at the ice cream parlor. I don't care which you choose, it's up to you." She then pouted because I was giving her an option. She chose to wait for the parlour, and refused to admit she'd made the right decision later.
The group watched my interactions with Daughter. They saw her mood swings. They saw the challenges. They get it. It's a wonderful gift to have them understand the challenges and support me. She really did do very well. It was her third week away from home and out of her routine. Two of those weeks were for new things. She really did handle it well.
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She's off to her program today. I'm home alone. I'm going to be doing some work around the house today, but first, I may go back to bed.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Yup, We're Back to Normal
Today I took Daughter to see a movie. Normally I don't buy snacks at the movie, but today I bought a medium tub of popcorn, which pleased Daughter. We then went to the grocery store, and she asked me to buy her some apple straws to try. I did. When we got home, she wanted to eat some. I measured out an ounce and gave her insulin.
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We went to get Kitten. When we got home, she wanted more apple straws. I suggested she have a plum instead. So she did. I went out and lit the grill to prepare hamburgers for supper. She asked for another plum. I told her she could have another. I went outside to cook the hamburgers. When I came in, Daughter was missing. The refrigerator door was unlocked. Sigh.
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"Daughter, come here and bring the food with you."
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Silence.
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"Daughter, come and bring the food."
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"Yes, Mom." She came out carrying bag of vanilla ice cream cups.
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"How many did you eat?"
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"Just one."
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"Wrong. More than one is missing. Go get them and bring them here."
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"They're gone."
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"I know that. Bring me the empty cups."
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She came back carrying a spoon and two empty cups.
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"Throw out the cups and put the spoon in the dishwasher. I'm sorry I didn't keep you safe."
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"It's not your fault! You don't understand how stressed I am!"
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"How did that work for you?"
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Silence.
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She tried to insist she would starve herself to death as punishment and therefore she didn't want a hamburger. I told her she'd eat a hamburger, but there wouldn't be any chips with it, as she'd had all her carbs.
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I never raised my voice. She isn't being deprived of food. In fact, today she had a number of special treats. I'm not mad. Just very sad, and tired.
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We went to get Kitten. When we got home, she wanted more apple straws. I suggested she have a plum instead. So she did. I went out and lit the grill to prepare hamburgers for supper. She asked for another plum. I told her she could have another. I went outside to cook the hamburgers. When I came in, Daughter was missing. The refrigerator door was unlocked. Sigh.
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"Daughter, come here and bring the food with you."
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Silence.
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"Daughter, come and bring the food."
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"Yes, Mom." She came out carrying bag of vanilla ice cream cups.
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"How many did you eat?"
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"Just one."
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"Wrong. More than one is missing. Go get them and bring them here."
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"They're gone."
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"I know that. Bring me the empty cups."
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She came back carrying a spoon and two empty cups.
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"Throw out the cups and put the spoon in the dishwasher. I'm sorry I didn't keep you safe."
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"It's not your fault! You don't understand how stressed I am!"
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"How did that work for you?"
.
Silence.
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She tried to insist she would starve herself to death as punishment and therefore she didn't want a hamburger. I told her she'd eat a hamburger, but there wouldn't be any chips with it, as she'd had all her carbs.
.
I never raised my voice. She isn't being deprived of food. In fact, today she had a number of special treats. I'm not mad. Just very sad, and tired.
Back to Civilization
It's nice to be home after a week in Appalachia. There were 12 of us from the church who went on this mission trip-- our average age was 56, so Daughter was the youngest by quite a bit. There were 7 men and 5 women. We stayed at a community center that hosts mission trips all summer. We had a modified double wide. There were 2 large and 1 small sleeping rooms (with a total of 14 sets of bunk beds), 4 toilets, and 3 showers. We ate breakfast and supper at the main building, and made sack lunches to take to our work sites. We had 3 work sites: the director's office and two trailers further into the mountains.
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Monday we all headed into the mountains to the trailers of two sisters. They had beautiful locations for their trailers. On one we did some repairs and painted two porches. The second site involved putting a roof on one porch and building a second porch. The women spent Monday priming those two porches. Daughter and I worked on opposite porches. She worked hard and kept at it all day. It was very hot that day. I stopped and sat down in the shade about 2:30, but Daughter kept at it. It helped that she wasn't working near me. She loved painting.
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Tuesday Daughter and I were alone painting the director's office. That did not go as well. We didn't get the paint until noon, which was frustrating, and his office was a disaster area, which was even more frustrating. We spent much of the day cleaning in there. He had lots of cupboards full of lots of forgotten junk, dating back several directors. We found 4 VCR's in them (they all ended up in the thrift shop). I managed to get a first coat on part of the office. Wednesday one of the women stayed back to work with us, and we managed to get it completed, with two coats on everything.
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Overall, Daughter did well. She did have her moments, though, and the group saw first hand some of the challenges she presents. She wet the bed two nights. Her sleeping bag did not fit in the available washing machine, so she ended up having to hang it on the porch to dry. The group was very supportive. We began hiding the food after she was caught getting into it. If she wouldn't get up for me, they would tell her it was time to get up. They were telling her about George Washington's wooden teeth, and we used the story to encourage her to brush hers (which worked a couple of times).
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They asked her to make a thank you card for the staff member who helped us, making sure we had the supplies we needed. She did a beautiful job. She hung out with a youth group that was there a couple of nights (one of the advisers was the son of some of our people). She is exhausted, and hasn't gotten up yet this morning. I think I'll just let her sleep, even though that means we will miss going to worship. She's fighting a cold, and has a cough. With camp, she's been away from home for 3 straight weeks. It's no wonder she's tired. I slept in, too. We were up by 6:00 a.m. every day, and yesterday we were up even earlier so we could be on the road by 6:00. It took just over 12 hours to get home with stops.
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It's good to be home. Very good to be home. I am off for the next two weeks. I think I will spend them working around the house and going to appointments. I'm looking forward to making some changes to our back yard. The split rail fence is already gone, and a couple in the church also did some weeding while we were gone. I'm looking forward to getting out there and getting to work. Since it's supposed to be very hot all week, I'm going to have to make the most of the cooler morning hours. Fortunately the house is air conditioned, and there's also lots of work to be done inside. I'll share more details about our travels later.
.
Monday we all headed into the mountains to the trailers of two sisters. They had beautiful locations for their trailers. On one we did some repairs and painted two porches. The second site involved putting a roof on one porch and building a second porch. The women spent Monday priming those two porches. Daughter and I worked on opposite porches. She worked hard and kept at it all day. It was very hot that day. I stopped and sat down in the shade about 2:30, but Daughter kept at it. It helped that she wasn't working near me. She loved painting.
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Tuesday Daughter and I were alone painting the director's office. That did not go as well. We didn't get the paint until noon, which was frustrating, and his office was a disaster area, which was even more frustrating. We spent much of the day cleaning in there. He had lots of cupboards full of lots of forgotten junk, dating back several directors. We found 4 VCR's in them (they all ended up in the thrift shop). I managed to get a first coat on part of the office. Wednesday one of the women stayed back to work with us, and we managed to get it completed, with two coats on everything.
.
Overall, Daughter did well. She did have her moments, though, and the group saw first hand some of the challenges she presents. She wet the bed two nights. Her sleeping bag did not fit in the available washing machine, so she ended up having to hang it on the porch to dry. The group was very supportive. We began hiding the food after she was caught getting into it. If she wouldn't get up for me, they would tell her it was time to get up. They were telling her about George Washington's wooden teeth, and we used the story to encourage her to brush hers (which worked a couple of times).
.
They asked her to make a thank you card for the staff member who helped us, making sure we had the supplies we needed. She did a beautiful job. She hung out with a youth group that was there a couple of nights (one of the advisers was the son of some of our people). She is exhausted, and hasn't gotten up yet this morning. I think I'll just let her sleep, even though that means we will miss going to worship. She's fighting a cold, and has a cough. With camp, she's been away from home for 3 straight weeks. It's no wonder she's tired. I slept in, too. We were up by 6:00 a.m. every day, and yesterday we were up even earlier so we could be on the road by 6:00. It took just over 12 hours to get home with stops.
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It's good to be home. Very good to be home. I am off for the next two weeks. I think I will spend them working around the house and going to appointments. I'm looking forward to making some changes to our back yard. The split rail fence is already gone, and a couple in the church also did some weeding while we were gone. I'm looking forward to getting out there and getting to work. Since it's supposed to be very hot all week, I'm going to have to make the most of the cooler morning hours. Fortunately the house is air conditioned, and there's also lots of work to be done inside. I'll share more details about our travels later.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Home Again
We are home from our mission trip. It went well. There is much to write, but it will have to wait. I'm exhausted.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Home!
We're home, though it will be for less than 24 hours. I've got the last load of laundry in the washing machine now. We stopped by the church so I could put the books I took with me for my class away. Administrative Assistant said it had been a busy week-- even without me there to make extra work.
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I stopped by the post office to pick up my mail. It's due to be delivered next Saturday, but I thought if the order had arrived from the doctor, I would go get the additional blood work done today. It wasn't there, but my lab results were. I've spent much of the afternoon researching progressive sys.temic scler.osis, as the lab results were consistent with that diagnosis. My reading was not particularly encouraging, especially since I've had many of the symptoms that are listed.
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I considered backing out of the mission trip, but decided I didn't want to deal with the anxiety that would create in those who are going and especially in Daughter. She's asked me several times today if I'm feeling okay. I keep telling her I'm fine.
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Once the laundry is finished, we'll have to repack for the mission trip. I'm really wondering how much I'll be able to do. My hands are hurting quite a bit, especially when I use them in any way that puts pressure on my fingers, like squeezing the clips on hangers.
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I need to remember that God called me to the right place at the right time, and that plan doesn't include me not being healthy enough to carry out the ministry that has been entrusted to my care.
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I stopped by the post office to pick up my mail. It's due to be delivered next Saturday, but I thought if the order had arrived from the doctor, I would go get the additional blood work done today. It wasn't there, but my lab results were. I've spent much of the afternoon researching progressive sys.temic scler.osis, as the lab results were consistent with that diagnosis. My reading was not particularly encouraging, especially since I've had many of the symptoms that are listed.
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I considered backing out of the mission trip, but decided I didn't want to deal with the anxiety that would create in those who are going and especially in Daughter. She's asked me several times today if I'm feeling okay. I keep telling her I'm fine.
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Once the laundry is finished, we'll have to repack for the mission trip. I'm really wondering how much I'll be able to do. My hands are hurting quite a bit, especially when I use them in any way that puts pressure on my fingers, like squeezing the clips on hangers.
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I need to remember that God called me to the right place at the right time, and that plan doesn't include me not being healthy enough to carry out the ministry that has been entrusted to my care.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
A Bump in the Road
It's hard to believe I haven't posted in several days. The conference is going well. Daughter has managed to be dry every night, and has handled most of it very well. I've enjoyed the class I'm teaching and the class I'm taking. I've enjoyed reconnecting with old friends and sitting in worship.
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I have been tired this week, and am a little concerned about how I'll keep up during next week's mission trip. I received a message on my home phone yesterday-- I flunked my blood work last week. I need to go in for more blood work when I get home. Of course, knowing the results of my blood work has just made me more aware of how tired and weak I feel, and increased my concerns about next week's mission trip.
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My biggest concern about the health issues is that I'll have to slow down. I have so many plans for the fall, I don't want to have to slow down. Hopefully when I return to my doctor and get an appointment with a specialist, I will find out that this is just a small bump in the road and minor adjustments will be enough.
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I have been tired this week, and am a little concerned about how I'll keep up during next week's mission trip. I received a message on my home phone yesterday-- I flunked my blood work last week. I need to go in for more blood work when I get home. Of course, knowing the results of my blood work has just made me more aware of how tired and weak I feel, and increased my concerns about next week's mission trip.
.
My biggest concern about the health issues is that I'll have to slow down. I have so many plans for the fall, I don't want to have to slow down. Hopefully when I return to my doctor and get an appointment with a specialist, I will find out that this is just a small bump in the road and minor adjustments will be enough.
Monday, July 4, 2011
Toddler Check-ins
I remember in a psychology class in college reading about how toddlers will venture out and explore, never getting to far from their mothers. Every so often, they just have to go back to their moms for some reassurance, and after they touch base with mom, they'll go back out and explore again.
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Daughter was doing that all day today. I left the room before she was dressed to attend morning prayer. She joined me there, and then we went to breakfast together. After breakfast we went up to worship, where she sat in front of me. She went off to her class and I went to mine. After about 75 minutes, I got a text that she wanted to join me, it wasn't working helping with the kids. My response was, "Make it work. I know you can."
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A few minutes later, she appeared at my classroom door. The class was full, and I was not encouraging. One of the men was getting her a chair and she turned around and vanished. We ate lunch together, and then she came back to the room and napped. I was sitting outside with some friends chatting. Several times she'd appear and come behind me to hug me and put her head on my shoulder. She made several attempts to pull me away from the conversations, and when that didn't work, she'd disappear to go do something else.
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The pattern continued into the evening. She'd come to check in, seeking a hug and reassurance, and then go off to join others. I was reminded of those toddlers in that ancient psychology book. In many ways, she still functions at the age she was at the time of the trauma: two years old.
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She went to bed early tonight, exhausted from the activities of the day. It has been a good day, and I'm headed to bed soon, too.
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Daughter was doing that all day today. I left the room before she was dressed to attend morning prayer. She joined me there, and then we went to breakfast together. After breakfast we went up to worship, where she sat in front of me. She went off to her class and I went to mine. After about 75 minutes, I got a text that she wanted to join me, it wasn't working helping with the kids. My response was, "Make it work. I know you can."
.
A few minutes later, she appeared at my classroom door. The class was full, and I was not encouraging. One of the men was getting her a chair and she turned around and vanished. We ate lunch together, and then she came back to the room and napped. I was sitting outside with some friends chatting. Several times she'd appear and come behind me to hug me and put her head on my shoulder. She made several attempts to pull me away from the conversations, and when that didn't work, she'd disappear to go do something else.
.
The pattern continued into the evening. She'd come to check in, seeking a hug and reassurance, and then go off to join others. I was reminded of those toddlers in that ancient psychology book. In many ways, she still functions at the age she was at the time of the trauma: two years old.
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She went to bed early tonight, exhausted from the activities of the day. It has been a good day, and I'm headed to bed soon, too.
Worship
Yesterday evening I sat with friends to eat a meal that required no preparation or clean up on my part. Daughter even bussed the table for all of us. Then I sat in worship, again with no responsibility for leading it. It was wonderful. Of course, I came back to our room and had to prepare the lesson for my class today, but that was okay. I enjoyed putting it together. Daughter was in bed at 9:00. She's dry this morning. I will head to morning prayer in a little while, and then breakfast and class. Have I mentioned recently how much I love coming to this conference?
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Endings and Beginnings
I ran across this article this morning. It explains many of Daughter's challenges. I think I need to print it out and show it to some people who blame my parenting for her issues.
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I picked Daughter up from camp today. I'm not sure how it went. One minute she was talking about how great it was and how she befriended a younger girl who wouldn't talk, and the next minute she was telling me that she needed lots of comforting because she spent the entire week crying her eyes out. It sounds like she didn't participate in several of the outings. She said she chose not to go because they'd be getting back too late (after midnight). I'll have to check on the real story later. I do have sources (and not just the camp director-- a colleague was there as chaplain).
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On the way to our conference she proudly told me that she'd gone poop daily-- no trouble with constipation. We got here and she promptly clogged the toilet in our room. She asked for some of her mira-lax. Fortunately, I had packed it. The young man who is contact person for our group has now plunged the toilet twice, without success. He'll put in a maintenance request for tomorrow. For tonight, we'll walk down the hall to the public restrooms in the lobby.
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I'm delighted to be back in my favorite community. It was during our time here last year that I got the call from Capital asking to come see me in my natural habitat. Now I need to go finish my lesson for tomorrow morning.
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I picked Daughter up from camp today. I'm not sure how it went. One minute she was talking about how great it was and how she befriended a younger girl who wouldn't talk, and the next minute she was telling me that she needed lots of comforting because she spent the entire week crying her eyes out. It sounds like she didn't participate in several of the outings. She said she chose not to go because they'd be getting back too late (after midnight). I'll have to check on the real story later. I do have sources (and not just the camp director-- a colleague was there as chaplain).
.
On the way to our conference she proudly told me that she'd gone poop daily-- no trouble with constipation. We got here and she promptly clogged the toilet in our room. She asked for some of her mira-lax. Fortunately, I had packed it. The young man who is contact person for our group has now plunged the toilet twice, without success. He'll put in a maintenance request for tomorrow. For tonight, we'll walk down the hall to the public restrooms in the lobby.
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I'm delighted to be back in my favorite community. It was during our time here last year that I got the call from Capital asking to come see me in my natural habitat. Now I need to go finish my lesson for tomorrow morning.
Five Sundays
I preach this morning, and then I don't have to preach for five Sundays. I'm off for four, and the fifth we're having a cooperative service in the park with 3 other area churches.
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I love preaching. I love the challenge of finding new ways to proclaim the unchanging truth about God. I love it, and I'm ready for a break. I'm ready to go sit and listen to someone else preach.
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One of the Sundays I'm off we'll probably go see Short Niece's Vacation Bible School program. That will be fun. One Sunday I plan to walk a 5k in the morning and then go to an ordination in the afternoon. One Sunday I'll be on a mission trip, and we'll go to church near there. I think I'll have one Sunday here in town to visit a sister church. We will have worship every night at the conference we're attending. I always enjoy those worship services.
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When I preach again on August 14, I should be refreshed and ready for another year of proclaiming God's Word. I'm looking forward to getting back into the routine as much as I'm looking forward to this break. I love being pastor to this congregation. This time away will refresh and renew me to be more effective in it.
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I love preaching. I love the challenge of finding new ways to proclaim the unchanging truth about God. I love it, and I'm ready for a break. I'm ready to go sit and listen to someone else preach.
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One of the Sundays I'm off we'll probably go see Short Niece's Vacation Bible School program. That will be fun. One Sunday I plan to walk a 5k in the morning and then go to an ordination in the afternoon. One Sunday I'll be on a mission trip, and we'll go to church near there. I think I'll have one Sunday here in town to visit a sister church. We will have worship every night at the conference we're attending. I always enjoy those worship services.
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When I preach again on August 14, I should be refreshed and ready for another year of proclaiming God's Word. I'm looking forward to getting back into the routine as much as I'm looking forward to this break. I love being pastor to this congregation. This time away will refresh and renew me to be more effective in it.
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Very
It was very hot today. My grass is very long. I leave town tomorrow right after worship. It took me a very long time to get the lawn mowed. I kept stopping to come in and get something to drink and cool off. I'm very relieved to have it done.
Difficult Choices
Tomorrow after worship I head to a conference where I will be teaching a class. This morning I talked to the daughter of the woman who had heart surgery on Monday. Her mom is not doing well. They're beginning to talk about at what point they remove her from life support. The daughter was talking about what they'd want for a funeral. I have colleagues who are on call for funerals while I'm gone, but it is hard to know that I may not be here for this death. The woman was quite chipper on Monday prior to surgery. She was looking forward to feeling better. We didn't discuss the possibility that her healing might come through death.
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I find myself sitting here pondering if I could work it out to come back for the funeral. I'll be less than 2 hours away. Of course, once I set that precedent, I face the possibility of every trip I make being disrupted by emergencies at the church. I also have committed to teaching a class at this conference, and so I need to fulfill that responsibility. I need a break, and taking that break means I will miss things. That's hard.
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I find myself sitting here pondering if I could work it out to come back for the funeral. I'll be less than 2 hours away. Of course, once I set that precedent, I face the possibility of every trip I make being disrupted by emergencies at the church. I also have committed to teaching a class at this conference, and so I need to fulfill that responsibility. I need a break, and taking that break means I will miss things. That's hard.
Friday, July 1, 2011
The Final Push
I was in the office today, even though Friday is my day off. I got a few things done, but not as much as I would have liked. My body was protesting working on my day off. I got some things done on the Bible study I'm leading at the conference. I cleared off my desk. I came up with some more newsletter articles to write when I get back. I added a couple of additional jobs for Administrative Assistant in July-- which should be a slower month for her. I suggested she make a list of the things volunteers could do in the office-- she's going to have more work to do, so any tasks she can turn over to a volunteer will ease her stress (and my guilt for asking more of her.)
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I haven't heard from the camp since the blood sugar scare on Wednesday, so that's good. It will be a busy couple of days as I get ready to head out. Daughter is helpful when we're getting ready to travel, so it will be weird to do it all without her.
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I haven't heard from the camp since the blood sugar scare on Wednesday, so that's good. It will be a busy couple of days as I get ready to head out. Daughter is helpful when we're getting ready to travel, so it will be weird to do it all without her.
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Fireworks
Yesterday I journeyed to Big City to join Sister and Short Niece for a concert and fireworks. The weather was beautiful, and it was a pleasant evening. The only challenge was staying awake for the 90 minute drive each way. I resorted to caffeine, which meant that I had difficulty falling asleep when I got home sometime after 1:00 this morning. It was after 2:30 before I finally fell asleep.
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There were some fireworks here at the church while I was gone, apparently. We are planning a community garden. There are a few people who don't want it visible from the front of the church. The location they want us to use does not get adequate sunlight. I think having the community garden along the edge (clearing brush to make space for it) is a good idea. A community garden is something to be proud of, not something to hide. The good news is that people support the idea of a community garden, the issue is location. We'll figure it out.
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There were some fireworks here at the church while I was gone, apparently. We are planning a community garden. There are a few people who don't want it visible from the front of the church. The location they want us to use does not get adequate sunlight. I think having the community garden along the edge (clearing brush to make space for it) is a good idea. A community garden is something to be proud of, not something to hide. The good news is that people support the idea of a community garden, the issue is location. We'll figure it out.
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