Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Warning: Rant Ahead

Yesterday evening when I visited Daughter, I explained to her that I would be tied up this afternoon and evening, and so wouldn't be able to visit her. I told her to call me today and tell me how she was doing. So this afternoon about 2:00, I was standing in the kitchen putting some garlic spread I had just made on bread for the supper tonight. I decided to call and ask Daughter's nurse how her blood sugars were and if they had changed the order on her insulin.
So I called. Her blood sugar was 203 before lunch and they hadn't made any changes, but it didn't matter because she was being discharged today. And when were you planning to tell me this? In retrospect, I should have refused to go get her. But I didn't. I scrambled, and got someone to come over and put the lasagna in the church ovens. I ran over to the church and turned on the ovens to preheat.
Daughter is home. She wants to go back to the hospital. She wants to die. It is my fault she wants to die. I need to grow up. It's none of my business if she takes extra insulin. People with diabetes shouldn't have parents.
The insulin is in a locked box in the refrigerator. I've already misplaced the key once.
Oh, and all those times I went crazy with worry and listened to the doctor yell at me because she was low and I couldn't get her blood sugar up? Those were all the result of her sneaking extra insulin. And how much insulin did she take on Friday? 60 units of novolog before lunch and another 60 units after lunch. She's lucky to be alive. Normally her total insulin in a day is less than 40 units.
I have talked to Therapist twice today. We will be seeing her at 10:00 tomorrow morning. I'm not sure when I'll let her go back to the workshop. Of course, I desperately need a break from her, but I just don't think it's safe to let her go there while they don't understand the need to provide her with structure. Allowing her to sit around and worry is destructive. Of course, that means I'll have to figure out how to structure her time.


Anonymous said...

Is there a hug big enough???????? That I could possibly wrap around you????

I am sending chocolate, tea and margaritas, your pick. love owl

Torina said...

Man, this sucks! Just when you need a break the most is when you are least likely to get it. Ironic and so hard. We go through phases of having to lock everything up and not having to. It is so exhausting to do so I can relate. To many people, it might not sound like a big deal, but when you have worked so hard for her to be independent and to self-administer meds, it is devastating when you have to move backwards.

I wish I could make you some soup and just sit with you tonight. Instead, I am sitting here hoping that some light will shine on you and your daughter soon. May tomorrow be a brighter day.

Reverend Mom said...

Chocolate is wonderful.

You do understand, and it is hard. they didn't put any restrictions on her at discharge, but she has made it clear that she wants me to keep insulin away from her. Not a fun way to live.