Thursday, January 15, 2009

Is That Too Much to Ask?

An ongoing frustration for Daughter is her limitations. She has so many things she wants to do, and at this point in her life many of them are unrealistic. She wants to become a nurse, but doesn't have the mental capacity to do the classwork. She wants to adopt, but at this point isn't even capable of living independently. We have conversations about this regularly, and I always point out the things she needs to do now if she wants to achieve those goals at some point. We start with little things: keep your room clean, be responsible about your diabetes, learn to stay home alone for short periods of time, be responsible with money.
Last night I found her working at the computer on a letter. She was writing a letter seeking to become a foster parent, so she could go on to adopt. "You know, like you were my foster mother before you adopted me."
I told her that at this point, she couldn't be a foster parent, because I was the one who would have to be licensed and I didn't want to be a foster parent at this point in my life. She was frustrated, and I heard her yelling at God about how unfair it is that she can't do the things she wants to do. My heart breaks for her. She knows she's different, she knows she has limitations, and she longs for the life she can't have right now.
Shortly before Christmas I heard her say, "All I want for Christmas is to be normal. Is that too much to ask?" Fortunately, she didn't expect an answer.


FAScinated said...

This just breaks my heart.

Reverend Mom said...

I think it is the hardest part of being her mom-- much harder than the rages and the diabetes.

Torina said...

I can relate in that we are doing these things with Tara now and I see myself in your shoes in a few years. What our kids want to do and what they are actually able to do are in two different universes. It is sad and hard because you want all those things they want for themselves...and we all want our kids to be happy.

Munchkin Mom said...

Your daughter is NOT normal. She has a huge, empathetic heart. She sings beautifully. She can handle children well.

We had a girl in high school who had a degenerative muscle disease and who was in a wheelchair since tenth grade. She married her high school sweetheart, who remained devoted to her. She went to college and worked a full-time job, eventually working herself into a managerial position. She served on numerous committees and city organizations. She had an impact on the park system, low income single mothers, church members, other people in wheelchairs, on many people in many small ways. When she died, I told DH, we should all be so normal.

But then, she too, had a mother who was a force of nature. Hugs to you both.

Reverend Mom said...


Thank you for the change in perspective. I need to remember to reframe things for Daughter next time it comes up. And it will come up again.