At the last wedding I did, there was a blatant violation of board policy. Last night we had a board meeting, so I asked the board what they wanted me to do in the future if something similar happened. In this close knit church, the focus was on what was wrong with their policy rather than the violation of it. They decided to consider changing the policy at our January meeting. For these people, relationships are the most important thing, and they are unwilling to do anything that will hurt their relationship with this couple and their extended family.
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I have mixed feelings about it. Sometimes I think it would be nice if they showed half as much consideration for the pastor and her feelings as they do for one another. That will never happen, though, because no matter how long I am here, I will always be the outsider. Most of the people at the meeting last night knew at least 4 generations of one of the families involved in the wedding. That history and those roots are something that will never be forgotten. The pastor will always be seen as just passing through, and therefore expendable.
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I couldn't have had the conversation with them right after the wedding, but by last night I had come to realize it was their policy and therefore, their problem. It will be interesting to see what they decide to do with the policy in January. One woman suggested that a board member should be present at future weddings to make sure policy is followed. She has less history with the congregation than I do, so I don't think they even heard her suggestion. They certainly didn't acknowledge it.
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It's a strange life I live, being in a community but never of it. I am present at some of the most intimate moments in people's lives-- baptisms, weddings, funerals. I catch glimpses into parts of their lives that are hidden from the rest of the community. Even so, I am not part of their lives, not really. Most of the time, I'm okay with that. Sometimes, I long to be of the community, not just in it.
6 comments:
I found your post very interesting. As a young woman entering a career in ministry but not yet pastoring a church, I find it very interesting to hear so many of my colleagues facing this very situation. I appreciate you sharing your experiences because it helps me to prepare and reflect on what's ahead. I wish you all the best and many blessings in your ministry and thanks again for sharing this.
I'm glad you found the post interesting. It was time for a shift in focus, and I've been pondering my status in the community, so it seemed appropriate.
I like the idea of a board member at the wedding.
It strengthens relationships as well as the enforcement role.
What you want is for God to be part of their lives. Pastors may come and go but God is always there, unless you lose your faith, and even then he is there.
Are there things here that you might acknowledge in that conversation with the board -- i.e., the importance of human relationships to them, and the importance of honoring God at the wedding?
In our community, some churches have a "wedding coordinator," *not* an outsider hired by the couple but a volunteer or part-time employed member of the congregation (pay included in required fee for non-member weddings). It is this person, not the pastor, who is firm about church policy with the couple. That would change the dynamic to putting the responsibility firmly on the Board, not the pastor.
Adelaide,
You're right, of course, and most of the time I remember that my job is to point people to God. One of my favorite lines is that God always wins.
Anonymous,
I like the wedding coordinator idea, but I don't see this congregation buying into it, unfortunately. I had some nightmare experiences with wedding coordinators in the inner city congregation I served. I finally informed them I would run all wedding rehearsals, as it was a service of worship. But a wedding coordinate from the church that understood the church's policies and guidelines would be a good thing.
Adelaide,
You're right, of course, and most of the time I remember that my job is to point people to God. One of my favorite lines is that God always wins.
Anonymous,
I like the wedding coordinator idea, but I don't see this congregation buying into it, unfortunately. I had some nightmare experiences with wedding coordinators in the inner city congregation I served. I finally informed them I would run all wedding rehearsals, as it was a service of worship. But a wedding coordinate from the church that understood the church's policies and guidelines would be a good thing.
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