Frustration

The community garage sale was a waste of time. For all the work, we made maybe $10. The remainders will be packed up and taken to Goodwill in Town.

Daughter has a difficult time understanding and handling money. My most recent attempt to help her was a bank that counted the change she put in it. I wanted her to see that coins are money, and that if you save them for a while you can buy something you want. So I asked Daughter to bring me her bank, as I was going to add the change from the garage sale to it. She was reluctant, but complied. While the counter said she had over $13 in it, she actually had less than $5. She’s been taking money out of it buy pop at the workshop. I pointed out with the amount she spent on pop, she would have been close to buying a new album on itunes. She was not happy. She never wants to see the bank again, and she threw the currency I’d given her back at me. After she’d calmed down a bit, I reminded her I was trying to help her manage her money so she could live independently. I suggested that every week she kept her room clean; I’d give her money on Friday for the pop machine. She wants nothing to do with that idea.

Her blood sugars have been inching up in the morning, but I’ve been reluctant to increase her insulin, as I didn’t want another low. She has been steadfastly denying that she’s been into any extra food, so today I said I thought I’d increase her Lantus tonight. She wasn’t too thrilled, but when I said that her morning numbers were running high, and she said she hadn’t been into anything, so she must need more insulin. She agreed with the plan. She showed me an invitation she had to a friend’s party. It’s tomorrow evening, at the same time as youth group. I told her I was sorry, but she wouldn’t be able to attend (if she’d shown it to me sooner, I might have arranged something). She asked what we were doing at youth group. When I mentioned we’d be making sundaes, she became upset.

Every night I offer her ice cream for her bedtime snack, but she has been consistently turning it down. It turns out that she’s been eating it without telling me or taking insulin to cover it. That’s why she’s been running high in the morning. This is why I’m so reluctant to increase her insulin. I’m so afraid I’ll be adding insulin to cover extra food, and then she won’t be eating the food and will go low and die. I finally lost my patience, and told her that I offered her ice cream every night, and she said she didn’t want it, and then she snuck it, endangering her life.

She informed me she eats the food because she wants to destroy her life. Do I believe that she thinks, “Okay, how can I destroy my life? I know, I’ll eat some extra food and not cover it with insulin.” No, I don’t. I think she wants food and eats it without thinking. She later rationalizes it by thinking, “I don’t deserve to live.”

She went up to her room and brought down her bowling bag, softball shirt, and Special Olympics medals down and asked me to destroy them. I told her I’d keep them safe until she wanted them back. It’s been downhill from there. I took away her cell phone, as she was calling friends, and I feared she was going to find someone to come pick her up. She’s now talking about suicide by cop. When she’s in this frame of mind there is no way to reach her or calm her down. I’m the enemy, and she doesn’t care what happens to her. She doesn’t want to turn things around.

I’m back to wondering if we’ll make it to her appointment with the psychiatrist on Monday.