Confession

I allowed my frustration to show with an innocent young man this evening. I’ve apologized, but I still feel very guilty.

This has been a stressful day. It was busy. I led worship, taught Sunday School, took Daughter to bowling (and helped with record keeping), did hospital calls, ran to the grocery store to get ice cream for youth group, and then came home and led youth group. Daughter’s situation continues to be a stress. Sister has been having a rough week, and I’ve been getting calls from her.

Then there is the whole equipment situation at the church. The money is managed by a group of men who do not want my input. For well over a year I’ve been telling them the office computer is on its last legs and they need to budget for its replacement. It was donated a couple of years ago and was used then. The operating system is corrupted. The keyboard sticks. (I found an old okeyboard in the attic that I will take over to the church this week). Most recently we’ve begun getting warnings that the hard drive is almost full. I checked, and it only has a 6 gig hard drive, so it’s no wonder. It takes forever to start up, and we usually have to reboot at least once every morning. We have dial up internet, which ties up the phone line. When we’re online, we can’t do anything else on the computer. It took an hour to download a photo someone sent us for a press release. We have 7.5 hours of secretarial time a week, and over an hour of it is lost each week to computer issues. I have asked them to get DSL, which would cost the same as dial up, but they keep refusing, saying they don’t understand why we even need the internet at the church. So tonight an elder went to these gentlemen with the message that we need a new computer and DSL in the office.

I’ve also been telling them that the console TV we have been using for years was dying. The picture has been crooked for several years. They’ve been putting me off on that, too. Tonight I went over to set up the DVD (on the DVD player I donated) I was going to use for a discussion starter at youth group. The picture was rotating horizontally—there was a vertical control, but no horizontal control on the TV (yes, it’s that old—it has a channel dial and vertical control and contrast, brightness, tint, etc. dials). I tried working on the connections (we have an adapter so we can attach coaxial cable from the VCR to the antenna leads on the TV—we have to run the DVD through the VCR). Nothing worked. I moved the DVD player to the 13 inch TV we have in a Sunday School room. (Oh, the controversy when I asked for that.) I had 14 youth gathered around the little screen to watch the DVD. I had to read some of it to them, as the print was so small they couldn’t make out what was on the t-shirts. We have movie night in 2 weeks. I don’t think it will work on that TV. So, I asked the elder to let them know about that need, as well.

One of our youth then took the lead to tell us all of the things she wanted the group to do this year. She had some wonderful ideas, and some unrealistic ones. The reality is we need some younger, more energetic people to lead the youth. I’ve asked everyone I can think of, and they all have excuses. So, another mom and I lead it. I was told that what we plan is boring. So, we got out some calendars and let them plan the events between now and December. Some of them are going to be more work. I encouraged them to recruit other leaders.

So, as we are winding down our meeting, the elder comes out and informs me that they said no to all of our requests. There are times that I feel like they refuse to spend any money in support of ministry. So out comes innocent young man and wants to look at the TV. I let my frustration show. He quickly left. After elder left their meeting innocent young man had offered to donate a TV he had at home. Someone else will donate a computer by the first of the year.

They still aren’t sure about DSL, but they’re considering it. I went over in great detail what we use the internet for, and why. I explained that we send out all of our press releases by internet, and that we receive a great deal of information for the bulletin and newsletter by email from members. Innocent young man didn’t know we were having computer problems. Apparently all the warnings I have given that they need to start thinking about replacing it never got through.

I feel guilty for allowing my frustration to show. I’m not supposed to be human. But I am. It wasn’t the young man’s fault. I apologized tonight, and will write him a note tomorrow. I’ll still feel guilty, and I’m sure there will be those who continue to hold it against me. You see, in this congregation, it’s been made very clear to me that they don’t want to know that my parents are in the hospital. My job is to take care of all of their needs, not to have needs or get frustrated. I feel guilty for being human.