What Happened to Monday?

As you might have noticed, I didn't blog yesterday. I intended to, but I intended to do many things that didn't get done. I had a long to do list. God had a different to do list. Obviously, my to do list got set aside. The longer I'm here the more people drop in for conversations. Many of these conversations have to do with places of deep pain. It is an honor to be entrusted with these stories, to offer a different perspective that eases some of the pain.

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I remember hearing a story of a young pastor who complained that it was impossible to do ministry with all the interruptions. A wiser, older pastor told the young pastor that the interruptions were the ministry.

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I took Daughter out for supper for Valentine's Day before coming back to the church for evening meetings. We also stopped at a craft store and I helped her buy a set of black velvet pictures to color. There are 8 small pictures, and the kit also had markers. These will stay at the church for her to work on during meetings. We got the church at 7:00 yesterday morning, and didn't leave until 9:00 yesterday evening. Daughter handled it-- I think because she did get that attention from me at supper.

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I was a little frustrated with her program yesterday. Last week they came to tell me she was out of insulin pen needles. I gave her 5, and told them they had to keep track of them and let me know when she needed more, they couldn't rely on Daughter to relay the information. I also reminded them that they will soon be moving to a new building, and I will not have the freedom to run over there to bring them supplies.

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I knew that she would be out of needles yesterday, but was frustrated that they hadn't notified me. I was prepared with extra needles, but didn't tell Daughter. Sure enough, at lunchtime Daughter came up to my study with a staff member seeking needles. Now at the time there was a man seated at my work table and we were obviously working on a project, and another man was standing in the doorway, needing information. It didn't phase Daughter, but it did bother the staff person. Once again I stated that they had to figure it out, because I couldn't drop everything to bring Daughter needles after they moved the program.

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The staff person showed up later that afternoon with a piece of paper telling me how long the needles would last, so I'd be able to send additional needles before they ran out. At least she got the message.

Day Four

This is the 4th day without a morning battle. Yesterday I had to sing to get her up, but we managed the morning without any anger. This morning I turned on her light and asked if I got to sing today. When I went back in that direction the next time, she was up and moving.

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Life is so much easier when I don't start the day frustrated at her. Last night I urged her to go the bathroom before going to bed so that she'd be dry this morning. This was after I told her I'd know she was ready to move into a different program when she stopped wetting the bed. She was more soaked than usual this morning. I guess she's not ready to do something different yet.

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This morning was a good one. This congregation is so affirming, so caring. I'm having so much fun leading them in worship. We are making progress. Today I am grateful.

Interesting Conversation

Daughter wanted to talk yesterday evening. Interesting points:

• She wants to get a job and insurance
• She wants to adopt a child
• She wants to be a single mother
• She wants to live with me forever
• She's unhappy because we didn't put her right into a job

I listened, and then I reminded her why we placed her in this program. I told her we wanted her to be successful, and so we placed her where she would feel safe. I reminded her that the workshop setting would have been loud and chaotic, and we were concerned she would have been overwhelmed. I told her that she was telling me she wasn't ready for any additional challenges as long as she was wetting the bed every night. I told her that once she proved to me she was no longer overwhelmed, we'd talk about employment/workshop options for her.

She agreed with my analysis of the issues and my explanation of the bed wetting. I told her to talk to me about these issues after she'd stopped wetting the bed. I think the fact that she wants to stay with me forever is another indication of how scared and overwhelmed she continues to be. On a positive note, she's talking to me, and she's been in a much better mood the last couple of days. Oh, and the trigger for all of this? She's had a couple of conversations with Mommy Best Friend from Tiny Village the last few days. She's jealous, but she knows she's not ready for sex, childbirth, or independent living. That's why she wants to adopt and stay with me.

Rise and Shine, and Give God the Glory

Today Daughter did not get up when I turned on her light and pulled off the covers. It is Saturday, and I was making her get up at the normal time. I didn't want to get up either. So I got to sing-- Rise and Shine, complete with all the verses about Noah and the flood. Then I moved on to This Is the Day. I asked if she had any requests. She was begging me to stop, but with a chuckle in her voice. She got up and into the shower, and was cheerful and cooperative. It was a long day. We left the church at 7:45 and didn't get back until 4:45.

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Daughter spent the morning with her head on my shoulder snoozing. After lunch she asked if she could sit in one of the comfortable seats outside the meeting room. I allowed it. She saw some friends we know from the conference we attend every year. A colleague from back in my days in Inner City was there-- she remembers Daughter as a toddler. I reminded her that was over 20 years ago-- we can't figure out how we got so old.

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A church officer went with us, and he honored me with his story on the way there. I love hearing the stories. It helps to understand and hopefully better minister to their needs.

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I have ordered pizza which is on it's way here right now (I love their order status updates). Now I get to finalize my preparations for worship tomorrow. Daughter is in a cheery mood. Pretty amazing considering she spent the day at a boring meeting. It's amazing how much better life is when we don't begin the day with a battle.

Self Care

Today I'm off to an all day meeting 70 miles from here. Yes, I'm dragging Daughter along with me. It will be a long day.

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Yesterday a gift certificate for 90 minutes of massage arrived in the mail, courtesy of my sisters. I'm looking forward to calling to make an appointment.

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I've also been thinking about the offer of help/support I received the other day. It is very hard for me to ask for help. Very hard. I think I'm going to see if there would be someone who would be willing to schedule someone to stay with Daughter at various times through the month. I could provide a calendar and prioritize time I'd like care for her. It could mean that I would no longer have to drag her to meetings. I think we'd both like that.

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Friday evening she said, "Hey, have you noticed? I'm suddenly cooperating!" She seemed amazed by this realization-- as though it weren't under her control. I told her I had noticed, and I had also noticed that she was much happier as a result. I don't know how long it will last, but I'll enjoy it for as long as it does.

Friday

As we headed to the church this morning, Daughter was complaining. Her program is community involvement, so they have 2 vans and divide into 2 groups to go do things in the community. She said that staff kept bugging her to go with the group that delivers meals on wheels. She didn't want to do that, and wished they'd just leave her alone.

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This morning they went to the library, then a little after 12 I got a text from Daughter. "I did meals on wheels for the first time and I love it!" I was amused. After meals on wheels, they went to an exercise class. Daughter is settling in and enjoying her program. I think that next week will be their last at the church. The new building (which was supposed to be done mid-November) will finally be ready the following week. When that happens, I will be able to stay completely away from the church on Friday.

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This morning I went in and opened up, and then came home after Daughter went down for the program. I was there for longer when I went to pick her up. I met with one of the church officers. We were talking about the committee he's chairing. He's a little nervous about it. After we talked about agenda for the meeting, he began to talk in greater detail about his childhood. He was adopted out of an orphanage when he was a year old. His adoptive mother was very abusive. Very abusive. He told me his story, and then said, "I'm not proud of it." I looked at him. He's retired after a career in a skilled trade. He's been married to the same woman for over 40 years. He has 3 children and 8 grandchildren. He's an officer in the church. I told him he should be very proud of what he's made of his life after a very rough start and difficult childhood. I looked at him and what he was overcome, and pondered again why it is that some kids are able to overcome abusive backgrounds and some are not. I thanked him by honoring me by sharing his story with me.

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My day off activities included a trip to the grocery store, making sloppy joes for the soup kitchen Saturday, and cooking for the freezer: 16 sausage biscuits and 10 servings of curry with rice and another 8 without rice. I also called to find out about the problems with Daughter's Medicaid. I'd been avoiding doing dealing with it since I went in to pick up her prescriptions and discovered that some of them were no longer covered. When we see the doctor, I'm going to have to ask her to fill out the paperwork to get prior authorization for some of the prescriptions.

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Second Day

Daughter is up on her own again this morning. It sure does make the morning easier. I have to go into the church this morning to drop Daughter off and open up for her program. I'm leaving the computer at home. I will walk and listen to my ipod, and as soon as she goes to her program, I will leave. I have to do some cooking for the soup kitchen Daughter and I will be serving at on Sunday, and I'm going to do some cleaning in the kitchen.

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Yesterday was a long day, and a good one. I'm working with a young couple who are getting married next month. I'm impressed-- they recognize the challenges they face and want to work on them so they can build a successful marriage. Most couples are so starry eyed in love that they are convinced that they will never have any problems.

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Tomorrow I'll be at a regional church meeting all day. I didn't get sermon done yesterday, so I hope to take a little bit of time to work on that today. I won't want to tackle it after the meeting tomorrow.

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It really does make a wonderful difference when the day doesn't begin with a battle.

A Blessing

One of the men who was on the committee that called me to serve here is frequently in the office because of his volunteer jobs here at the church. He often stops by my office to chat, sometimes informally, occasionally with an agenda. This morning he said he needed some time from me, and it was obvious he had an agenda. I invited him in and he settled himself in his normal chair. "What's on your mind?"

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His answer surprised me. "You."

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Seeing my confusion, he went on to elaborate. "You really have your hands full with Daughter right now. We're concerned about you. What can we do to help? Do we need to arrange to regularly do things with her to give you a break? What will help?"

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He has a brother in an adult foster home. His mom felt guilty about placing him there, and kept him at home until she was about 60. He understands my situation. I told him I certainly hoped Daughter wasn't still with me when I'm 60. He said he definitely recommended she be out of the house long before then.

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I assured him that some rest and time away had helped, and that I have an appointment about a possible respite possibility next Tuesday. I asked him to follow up with me after I know more about that. I told him he should encourage me to make time for myself, and that once I knew more about the respite situation, I could tell him more about what would be helpful.

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Then he sealed the deal-- he isn't just concerned for my well-being. He's concerned for the church. As he left my study, he said, "We need you." I am exceptionally grateful today for God making me wait 4 years for a new position so I could come here to Capital.

A Miracle

This morning Daughter's alarm went off and I turned on her bedroom light. A few minutes later I pulled her covers off. I glanced back in, and she had pulled them back on. I removed them again. She said, "Leave me alone! It's not even 6:00." (It was 5:57) I didn't say anything. I then heard a sigh and her feet hit the floor.

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She is now eating breakfast-- and is having the cereal with dehydrated strawberries that she requested. She has emptied the wastebaskets she "forgot" yesterday and added them to the trash can at the curb. I will wait until we get to the church to thank her. If I say anything to soon, it could set off her oppositional nature again. For now, I am very grateful. I'm still prepared with pb&j sandwiches, but I'll gladly throw them out in several months if she continues to get up.

An Afternoon Away

I took myself out to lunch today, and sat reading the Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder. I started it and was appreciating it, then I got busy and stopped reading it just as I got to the tools for family. I began that section today. Of course, the most important thing is to take care of myself according to the book. Having disengaged, I did make some decisions about how I'm going to change my approach to mornings.

• I'm going to take my shower before bed, so I have more time in the morning.
• I made and froze 6 pb&j sandwiches. Those are for lunch on those days when she doesn't get up-- I don't have time to do anything else when I have to spend so much time convincing her to get up.
• After turning on the light and pulling off her covers, if she doesn't get up I am going to stand in her doorway and sing to her. I'll sing happy, chipper, upbeat, obnoxious songs until she gets up. I'll have fun doing it.

I recognize if this does work, it won't work for long, and in another week or so I'm going to need to come up with a new approach. I'll deal with that problem when it comes. For now, I no longer feel like she's holding me hostage in the mornings. Tune in tomorrow to hear the outcome.

When I got back to the church, I went to a great committee meeting. Lots of excitement and enthusiasm about some plans we are making. Tonight I get to go to another small group gathering where I will become better acquainted with some members. I continue to love ministry among these people.

Shifting My Focus

It took 45 minutes for Daughter to get out of bed this morning.

• As soon as I was up and moving, I put the citrus in her room.
• I then turned on the radio in the bathroom so she would know I was up and moving.
• I began making sausage biscuits, thinking the aroma would encourage her to get moving.
• Her alarm went off.
• I turned on her bedroom light.
• The citrus was so energizing she actually reached over and turned off her alarm.
• I pulled the covers off her.
• After 20 minutes, I called her name.
• Five minutes later, I went in and called her name until she answered (yelled at me that she heard me).
• I kept yelling at her every five minutes until she got up and into the shower.

She didn't get breakfast-- just a cup of milk with her insulin and pills. She had a rather angry and unpleasant Mom on the drive over to the church (we didn't leave until after the time I like to be here).

In our weekly conversation, Sister Best Friend suggested that I shift my focus. I'm not going to win the morning battle. How do I strengthen myself to survive it? I'm going to put some thought into that today.

The Rest of the Day

So I pulled together some discussion questions, pull myself together as best I could, and headed out to a gathering of colleagues. Daughter called as I was on my way. "Mom, are you on your lunch break?"

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"No. I'm on my way to a meeting."

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"Oh. Crap."

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"Why?"

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"Well I didn't wait too long. I really didn't. I was walking to the bathroom, and it was like my bladder exploded."

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"Hm. You got yourself into a mess."

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"Yes."

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"Good luck with that."

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I hung up. I decided it was her problem (and I was just too tired to deal with her). I wasn't going to go rescue her. I wasn't going to suggest alternatives to her. I was not surprised, as she will often manufacture a crisis after a particularly rough morning to test and see if I am still available to her and concerned for her.

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I went to lunch with my colleagues. Several of our group were unable to attend, but there were 6 of us there, and we had a wonderful lunch and discussion. We laughed. We prayed. We listened to one another's pain. We had a wonderful discussion about worship and how we approach it. We stayed much later than usual.

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As I headed back to the church to pick up Daughter for her appointment, I could feel the weight settling back on my shoulders. She was a minute or two late for her appointment with her therapist. I dropped her at the door and went and parked. I ran into a couple of people I knew while I was waiting for Daughter. Her therapist came out with Daughter and handed me an appointment card. She asked how I was. Tired. She wished me happy birthday, and asked if I was going to the restaurant that offers a free meal (or $11 off a more expensive meal) on your birthday. I told her I didn't know what I was going to do. She talked about using a citrus scent to help Daughter get moving in the morning. I told her I'd help her do it, but nothing would work until Daughter decided she wanted things to change. She also talked about a medication that might help with the bed wetting. Daughter was on it many years ago when she was going through another bed wetting period. It didn't help.

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When we left Daughter, said Therapist told her just what she needed to hear. I asked what that was. Basically it was the same things I've been telling her. Of course, coming from someone else, it is much better than when it comes from me.

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As I drove home, I decided a free dinner sounded nice. I had ribs. They were good. Daughter was quite apologetic and very disappointed that her apology didn't immediately fix everything. I reminded her that she apologizes almost every night, but the morning never changes. I've had that conversation with her a couple of hundred times, too.

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Then we went to the grocery store. I bought myself a birthday cake. I may share it with Daughter. As I walked into the house, I made a decision. I have commitments Monday, Wednesday and Thursday evenings this week. I will be at an all day meeting on Saturday. I am coming home tomorrow afternoon. I am going to take some time for me. Or maybe rather than coming home, I will go shopping and buy myself a birthday present.

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Daughter is going to continue to challenge me. It will be exhausting at times. I am the only one who is going to take care of me, so I'm going to make that a priority. I think I'll go to bed early tonight. It's part of taking care of me.

Pity Party

I'm having a pity party for my birthday today. It's February and I don't remember what the ground looks like without snow. My parents are dead, and I miss them. I'm in the midst of a very busy time in my personal life and the life of the congregation, so I'm having to work at carving out me time. I'm tired of having to do everything around the house. If Daughter does agree to do something, she's not going to complete it. So she'll unload the dishwasher and leave half of the dishes on the counter. It's really hard to keep up with the laundry when you're gone through the day and then have evening commitments, too, and it is necessary to wash Daughter's linens every single day (At least she does that-- it's not my problem). Oh, and my birthday present from Daughter was a lecture about how she doesn't have to put up with my abuse. It was triggered by my very unreasonable expectation that she would get up in the morning in a timely manner so I could get to the office on time.

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I'm off to lunch and a discussion with some colleagues, so I'm sure that I will feel much better after I enjoy fellowship and stimulating conversation. After our gathering, I get to come back to the church to get Daughter and take her to see her therapist. I hope and pray her therapist can get through to her. I haven't decided if I'm going to take myself out to dinner after the appointment or go home and pull something out of the freezer. I really should go grocery shopping, as I have commitments the next two evenings. Birthday parties are over rated anyway.

Unable to Learn

I just don't seem to be able to learn that Daughter is so oppositional that anything I do to try to motivate her is just going to back fire. Saturday I made the mistake of trying to motivate her to stop wetting the bed. I promised her $2 a day every time she was dry, and an extra dollar if she made it a week. (Initially I offered $10 for being dry all week, but quickly realized that was too long a time period.

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Yesterday morning she was the wettest I'd ever seen her. She soaked everything (yes, she wears adult diapers at night). Of course, there was more at work than my attempt to get her to be dry. There was also the toilet paper issue. She refuses to change the toilet paper. She will leave one square on the roll so *technically* she isn't leaving it empty. Saturday she used it all. I noticed, and since we didn't have any extra in the big bathroom, I ordered her to go downstairs and get a new package. She did, but refused to open the package. So, she didn't use the bathroom before she went to bed Saturday night.

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It's to the point that I question whether I'm even capable of learning....

A New Approach

Friday I made broccoli salad. Daughter loves my broccoli salad. She gets to have it, but because of the dressing and raisins, it is high in carbs and she has to take insulin to cover it. I also and of the opinion that less is more, and she doesn't need to eat 2-3 full bowls at one time. We had some Friday with supper.

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She slept late on Saturday, so had some for brunch when she got up. I offered her some for supper, and then realized it was missing. I don't know when I left the refrigerator unlocked and unattended, but I left it that way long enough for her to get the bowl, take it to her room, and eat it all.

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I ranted a bit, and then I tried a new approach. I apologized for my failure to keep her safe from food. I told her I was sorry I hadn't kept her safe. I'll admit, I laid it on pretty thick. She insisted it wasn't my fault. I reminded her that her safety is my top priority and obviously I had failed to keep her safe. It bothered her. I think I will continue to apologize when she gets into food. I will continue to make it my fault. Maybe her oppositional nature will prompt her to show me it is her responsibility. I can hope.

A Movie with Daughter

The next two Saturdays I will be tied up all day with church stuff, so I decided I'd take Daughter to the movies today. After looking at the options, I decided we'd go across town (still closer than anything in Tiny Village) to see The King's Speech. I explained to Daughter that we were going to a movie I had chosen, and it wasn't a kid movie, but it would be very good. It was the first time in a very long time I sat in a theater where I wasn't surrounded by little kids. It was a much more mature audience-- Daughter may have been the youngest person there.

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She wasn't thrilled about my selection of movie, but she was getting into it, laughing at the humorous parts, and I was pleased that she was understanding what was going on. At a crucial point she leans over and told me she didn't feel good and we needed to leave. I guess I was enjoying it too much. I informed her we were staying. She wasn't happy about that, but didn't object again. I thoroughly enjoyed the movie. I informed Daughter that in the future, we would take turns picking the movies, and any time she complained and wanted to leave during the one I picked, I would get to pick the next movie, too.

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She wasn't pleased, but came and got on the internet. I think she began researching movies, as she asked me how to spell chihuahua. I sat through the first of those movies. Guess I'll get to do it again. I'll have to figure out what my next choice will be....

Interesting Evening

I fixed some of Daughter's favorite foods for supper. A couple of hours later she insisted she was starving and had to have another full meal. I pointed out she'd never fit in her clothes, but she said she didn't care, she had to eat. I offered her some cashews. She demanded other things. I pointed out that normally she likes cashews, and asked if she was rejecting them simply because they were my suggestion. She responded honestly, "Basically." She did end up eating (and being satisfied) with the cashews I offered.

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Then we sat down together to watch a show I'd recorded earlier. She was laughing and shouting in my ear, and showing great restraint, I didn't complain or ask her to tone it down. As the show approached the big reveal, she announced she had to go to bed immediately. When I questioned her about missing the end, she started crying and yelling at me to get off her back and leave her alone. I pointed out she needed her pills and insulin. That set her off. I paused the show, got her insulin, and she stormed off to bed. I watched the end of the show alone.

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It must be hard to live in her head.

The Office

My street hasn't been plowed yet, but I decided I had to get out of the house, and needed to get Daughter out, too. We needed structure and a change of scenery. Once we got off our road, the streets weren't too bad, except for intersections. The sun is shining today, and it really is beautiful with all the snow. It won't be so fun when the snow all melts-- the long term forecast shows one day above freezing (33) in the next 10 days. The snow is going to be around for a while, I think.

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Daughter is missing her program. She watched a DVD when we first came in, but now is napping. On February 15, they are supposed to move to their new building. She has some anxiety about it, but I am looking forward in not having to be here to open and close for them 5 days a week. The bus will pick Daughter up at the church in the morning and drop her off at home in the afternoon. On Friday, my day off, they will pick her up from home, too. I'm looking forward to that. Of course, I'll have to be even more intentional then about spending time with her.

I had a number of things I needed to do that can only be done at the church. We were debating about what to do about choir tonight, I finally pointed out that while attendance would be down, there would probably be some people who desperately needed to get out and see people. So we're having choir tonight. I have an appointment during choir with a couple who wants to get married next month. I'm hoping it will continue to be a productive day.

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I hope everyone is staying warm and safe.

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Snow Day

I watched a tow truck get stuck a couple of times trying to navigate my street. That confirmed the decision not to try to go any where today. Hopefully the roads will be in better shape tomorrow. A kind neighbor cleared my driveway. I brought home books to work on my sermon, but instead have been trying to get some work done on my income taxes. There is much to complicate them this year. It looks like I will be getting a nice refund, which is nice.

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It will be another year before I know if I need to adjust my withholding. Up until now, I've always made quarterly payments, but here the church is willing to withhold and handle the tax payments for me. I like that, but it is definitely different. I'm also dealing with purchasing a house rather than living in a home provided by the church. I don't think I'll be able to complete the taxes today, but I've been stressing over it, so getting a start reduces my stress level quite a bit.

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Daughter slept in, then cleaned her room and watched TV. She came up from the basement and informed me she didn't feel very good. She's now resting in her room. It's been a quiet day, and I'm enjoying it.

Finding the Balance

So we are having a blizzard. I have followed the news and planned accordingly. I brought home the books I will need to work on my sermon here at home. I informed Administrative Assistant that if the schools are closed, so is the office, and that if she wanted to work to email herself the needed files. I made sure that I had the bulletin information to her this morning, so that could be completed prior to the storm. I did a funeral an hour away today. I knew we shouldn't have any weather trouble, but I had emergency supplies in the car. We have plenty of groceries and firewood. The laundry is caught up. Even if we lose power, we'll be okay.

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Then there's Sister. She lives east of me. The blizzard warning starts later there than it did here. She took half a day today because she was afraid it would start early. It didn't, so she spent the afternoon running around and getting supplies. She was very concerned about my plans for the funeral, and insisted I not stay too long and call her as soon as I got home. She's creating more stress for herself. I think I prefer my approach.