I made a mistake yesterday evening. One other woman and I were waiting for the others to arrive for a meeting. I had dragged Daughter with me because I don't think she's stable enough to leave home alone right now. I sent Daughter home to grab something for me, and mentioned that she's not in great shape right now.
This woman suggested to me that she was just playing games with me, and asked if I was aware of that. Yes, I know Daughter plays games with me. That's why I didn't call Psychiatrist Saturday evening when she told me that the voices were back and they were telling her to cut herself and kill me (and lots of others, according to Daughter). When I do call Psychiatrist, my main concern will be her anxiety, which has her sleeping on the floor of my bedroom (with all the lights on), staying very close to me through the day, and calling me repeatedly from the workshop, sometimes just to touch base, but other times sobbing and asking me to come get her because she can't stay there.
Just because Daughter plays games and manipulates, it doesn't mean she isn't in genuine pain. Yes, there are times when she manipulates me. There is some manipulating going on right now,and I know that. I've also known for some time that she wasn't in a good play and that her anxiety level was extremely high. I chose not to do anything about it while her blood sugars were so unstable, as I didn't want to medicate anxiety that was a result of all the low blood sugars she was having. Her blood sugars are now much more stable. She's running a bit higher, but her target blood sugar for right now is 150, and she's usually within 30 points of that, which is excellent.
I learned a long time ago that most people are going to blame me for Daughter's problems. This particular woman has told me she doesn't believe that sexual abuse Daughter experienced prior to the age of 3 could possibly have an impact on her all these years later. I also learned that whenever someone suggests that I'm not handling Daughter appropriately, I begin to doubt myself. Most of the time I know I'm a good parent. Most of the time I know I'm doing a good job with Daughter.
Last night I said more than I should have, and now I'm suffering the consequences as I question myself and worry about what others think.
4 comments:
Why?
Why do you let the opinions of people who have no experience with the situation matter to you?
She's making a comment about herself, not about you. Just not and smile and play circus music in your head. That's what I do.
mongoose,
You're absolutely right, and normally I don't let these comments get to me. When they do, it's usually because I'm tired and stressed, and that certainly applied last night.
Thanks for the reminder.
Welp that and the fact that with rads there are just so many variables. The doubt sneaks in when you aren't sure........... its the doubt that helps us figure things out. But I agree, and have said many times , if you haven't lived with rad, you really cant conceivably know what's entailed with raising one of these kids.
You needed to vent..... just dont listen to her opinions. LOL
Deb,
Wise as always! As I thought about it more I realized that part of my frustration is that this woman will express her opinion of my incompetence to many others, and it will become one more barrier in my ministry. How can they trust me to help me with their problems when I have made such a mess of raising Daughter? It doesn't matter that it isn't rational.
I know better than to vent to a member-- I should have come to one of my online support communities to talk to people who understand RAD.
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