Saturday, December 28, 2013

Hard Conversations

"This is not what I wanted my life to be."  "I just want to be normal."  "Why am I like this?"  I heard these words not only from Daughter yesterday, but from another young woman in my life.  It is heart breaking, and there are no good answers.  Both crises were triggered by abusive relationships. 

The Young Woman has autism, a genius level IQ, and an abusive mother.  She was visiting Her Mother, and HM asked her to do something.  YW didn't hear, and asked her to repeat herself.  HM started screaming at her.  YW is very sensitive to sound, and told her to stop screaming.  HM screamed louder.  YW began having an autistic meltdown, rocking and moaning.  HM began mocking her.  This escalated YW's meltdown, and she banged her head against the round, which escalated HM's screaming and exaggerated imitation of YW's autistic meltdown.  YW finally fled the house, and HM followed her down the street, continuing to scream at her. 

YW asked (again) why her mother doesn't like her.  HM most likely has a personality disorder, making it impossible to reason with her.  This is just one of many abusive incidents YW has endured.  I regularly reassure her that HM's behavior is irrational, and that it's not YW's fault, no matter what she says.  This one was of the more horrifying incidents.  I don't understand how a mother could respond that way, of course I also don't understand why they ignored the school when the school said she needed help.  They responded by pulling her out of school and "homeschooling" her.  It was a challenging conversation, as there are no easy answers. 

YW feels like a failure because she doesn't have a PhD and isn't working.  She was expected to accomplish great things.  She still might, and if she had had involved, supportive parents who were willing to seek the help she needed, I think she'd be in a better place right now.  I get so angry when I think about HM (I know HM pretty well).  HM saw any suggestion that one of her children needed help as a personal attack.  Several of them could have used help. 

Then there was Daughter's meltdown.  It turns out that when she broke up with Boy Friend, it didn't last a day.  We had an extended period in the car as we drove to Sister's for Christmas.  She had an incident with BF before he was BF in which he bent her fingers back and twisted her arm behind her back.  She's afraid of him.  She had decided to stop the pressure she'd agree to become engaged, but tell him it would have to be a long engagement.  She was afraid to go back to the workshop after vacation and see him. 

After a long  conversation, I suggested she break up with him by phone today, then he'd have time to adjust before she saw him in person.  She called him today, and wanted me to hear the conversation, so she put it on speaker.  I understand why it was so hard for her to break up with him.  He kept interrupting her, begging for another chance, asking what he'd done wrong.  When that didn't work he told her he'd already bought her ring and couldn't get his money back.  I finally told her to hang up on him.  He then called one of their friends and asked him to pressure Daughter.  She stood firm, and I hope will have the strength to continue to stand firm. 

We also talked about how this is not the way she wants to live her life.  She still would like to adopt a child.  She informed me all group homes are hell.  My heart aches for her.  They once again sent her to me without all her meds.  Her patch was supposed to be changed Tuesday, but we didn't get them until today.  I'm sure that contributed to her challenges yesterday.

On a more positive note, we had a good time at our family Christmas yesterday.  Today we cleaned the kitchen and ran a bunch of errands.  Daughter worked on the kitchen floor while I tackled the stove.  We delivered recycling, dropped off clothes Daughter is donating, went to the health food store, the warehouse club, and one other store to get things on our list.  It feels good to be getting these things done, and it was wonderful to have Daughter's help. 


Miz Kizzle said...

If the former BF bent your DD's fingers back and twisted her arm it is assault and should be reported to the police. If he threatened her with harm that constitutes terroristic threat and should be reported to the police. The workshop should be apprised of the situation if it happened there. They are under an obligation to provide a safe environment for their workers/clients.

Reverend Mom said...

An email will go out today about the issue. My hope is that they can deal with BF on Thursday (when Daughter isn't at the workshop.) I'm not sure how much of what she is telling me is real-- but I know that she is afraid, so I will be addressing it.