Connecting

I'm back walking early in the morning with a woman in the church.  We've managed 4 mornings this week.  Daughter isn't too happy about it, as she is jealous when she calls early in the morning and I'm out walking.  Walker is divorced, and her youngest started college this year.  She invited me to come over for dinner and a movie tonight.  She's invited another woman as well.  I'm looking forward to it.  She's going to help me use my gift certificate for the performing arts center. 

I received a request from linked in from one of the board members in the church.  He's a retired banking executive.  He listed his vocation as "personal happiness architect."  I laughed, because that is so typical of him.  He has ADHD a super high IQ, and is constantly on the move.  He loves doing projects around the church, so we keep him busy.   This past week he worked on drainage around the church and set up the dehumidifier downstairs to run into a drain.  We've had an ongoing problem with a musty smell, and we hope this will solve the problem.  He was in the office yesterday, talking about last Sunday.  He loved the new graphics, and one of the hymns sent him home in search of a good version for his ipod.

He has taken care of several issues around my home for me.  He and his wife followed the ambulance to the hospital when I broke my arm.   Since he lives close to me, he and his wife will pick me up tomorrow morning to go work the concession stand at the football game.  We were short of workers this week, so I signed up. 

Walking in the mornings has increased my energy level, and my appetite.  I like the increased energy level, I'm not so sure about the increased appetite. 

Today I'm trying to get my kitchen cleaned, and I'm also doing some cooking.  I have some gluten free brownies in the oven right now. 

I'm enjoying playing in bell choir this year.  I think I'm beginning to master the bells, though I still am challenged when I have to change bells quickly, or go from bells to chimes quickly.  The bell choir is a great group of people, so I enjoy spending time with them.  I am also going to play piano for our Taize service on Oct. 27.  Fortunately, the keyboard part is very simple.  It feels good to be involved in music again. 

I'm connecting with people in new ways, and it's nice.  I'm also getting everything done for Sunday by Thursday evening, which means I have real time off.  I'm getting better and setting some limits and taking time to do the things I enjoy.  A lot of that is because I'm feeling so much better since I'm on this diet.  It also helps that Daughter is no longer living here.  She keeps telling me she wants to move back in with me.  Not going to happen. 

Broken Engagement

Snippets of conversations with Daughter today:

"So you've decided you're ready for sex?"

"Mom, marriage isn't just about sex."

"I realize that, but it is a big part of it.  I know D will expect it.  I thought you broke up with him because he wasn't treating you right."

"Someone taught me it is important forgive.  I have forgiven him." 

.....................................

"I've thought about it, and I'm ready." 

"Isn't this the guy you accused of harassing you?" 

"Yes, but this is different." 

"I want you to be married to someone who will love and respect you.  It seems to me that he hasn't treated you with respect."

(Discussion of the cycle of abuse.)

"How many times have you broken up with him because he wasn't showing you respect?"

"Four."

"So how many times are you going to go through this cycle with him?" 

She finally decided to break up with him.  After she broke up with him, she told me how hard it will be on the bus, because he likes to sit next to her.  He puts his hand on her leg, and she tells him to stop, but he won't. 

As I was taking her home, she explained that she is jealous of her married friends.  I asked her to identify them, and she mentioned two women she knew when we lived in Tiny Village.  Both were adopted, had issues, and were also developmentally disabled.

"B is very happy.  She has a perfect marriage.  She's pregnant with her third child." 

"No marriage is perfect.  Didn't she tell you her life was perfect when she moved into her apartment?" 

"Yes."

"What did you find when you visited her?"

"It was a mess and she wanted me to help clean it because her parents were coming..."  She then went into a long description of how she went about cleaning (not very responsibly). 

"Do you really think this is any different?  Do you believe she has a perfect marriage?"

"No.  But M is pregnant with her 5th child." 

"Really?  She's 25 years old and she is going to have 5 children?" 

"Yes, and she's on her 3rd marriage."

"Do you really want that?"

"No." 

....................

For now, she's decided not to get married.   Will she remember this conversation the next time she wants to get married?  No. 

Daughter's Latest and Odds and Ends

I received a text from Daughter a little while ago.  She wants to get married this summer, to the guy that she has accused of harassing her.  I told her we'd talk tomorrow.  Part of me is tempted to say, "Sure, go for it!"  because within a month, the engagement will be off.  

I told her we'd talk about it tomorrow.  If I'm lucky, the engagement will be off by then.  If not, at least I have some time before I have to deal with the drama. 

I have continued to disengage as much as possible with the agency.  I'm tired of dealing with them.  They are upset with the doctor because she hasn't sent orders.  I called the doctor today.  They haven't received a request for orders.  I'll fax them info tomorrow, and they'll get it back to me. 

On a cheerier note, I bought some size 12 slacks last night.  Before the diet I was in size 18.  It was kind of nice.  I finally turned on the furnace last night.  It was 62 in the house.  As several people have pointed out, I have less insulation than I used to have. 

I have a breakfast meeting tomorrow, so I will be late getting in.  Administrative Assistant is taking a woman in the church to the hospital for a procedure, so she will be late getting in.  Treasurer has a doctor's appointment, so he will be late getting in.  We laughed-- people will wonder what happened-- we are very good at having the office open at 9-- no matter what. 

Taking a Break

Daughter says she confessed her latest transgressions.  I hope that is accurate.  I have not sent out an email about it.  I need a break from dealing with all of that.

So I have sat in my study today, enjoying conversations with a variety of people who have stopped by for various reasons.  I think I had my longest conversation ever with one man who stopped in to change the sign.  My IT genius finally has my android talking to Outlook, so my calendar now automatically syncs.  Now I have no excuses for missing appointments. 

Yesterday the congregation celebrated my 3rd anniversary and pastor appreciation Sunday.  They gave me some assorted foods I can eat and a nice gift certificate for the performing arts center on campus.  I walked this morning, and my walking buddy's kids are both at college now.  She agreed to go with me to an event.  I decided I didn't want to take Daughter and deal with her drama, and I didn't want to go alone.  Now I just have to find an event that isn't sold out, sounds interesting, and fits my schedule.  The woman who did the presentation mentioned my "innovative ideas."  I liked that, it sounded much better than "weird ideas." 

It's been a good day, with a couple of meetings tonight that I hope will also be good....

Once Again....

Daughter's blood sugar was high yesterday evening.  Once again she denied doing anything wrong.  This morning she got belligerent when I pointed out that every time she denies having been into anything, she is lying.  I told her to cut the c**p and stop playing the victim.  I told her I didn't deserve her abuse. 

When we got to the church, she wrote me a note confessing to getting into the kitchen and taking ice cream bars.  They have a relief staff person this weekend, and apparently she doesn't have keys.  Daughter is taking full advantage of that.  I told her she had to go back and confess, and that I'd be sending out an email to assure she really did confess. 

After church I took an individual who has visited for several Sundays out to lunch.  I heard the story of tremendous evil done by people who claim the name of Christ.  It was a troubling conversation.  I'm honored to be entrusted with these stories, and it is unsettling to ponder them. 

Now I'm going out to mow the lawn.  I'll be doing a lot of praying as I mow as I seek to be an effective pastor to this individual. 

Homecoming Reflections

I went to my college homecoming today.  I spent some time with 3 women I knew in college.  I realized, as I was driving home, that all 4 of us have the same hair style we had in college.  Our styles are very different, but they are identical to what we had 30+ years ago.  It was really good to see them, and to be back on campus. 

The campus has changed since I graduated.  It is a very different place.  They've gone from 3 dining halls to 1.  They recently remodeled my favorite dining room, and I think it lost some of its coziness.  The house I lived in senior year has been torn down.  It was a beautiful day.  I managed to find a few things I could eat at the lunch on the quad.  I think the band was better 30+ years ago when I was in it.  I understand that enrollment is down over all, which is sad. I bought a lanyard for my church and pantry keys.  It replaces one I got at a conference at another college I've been using for a number of years.

Perhaps the best thing is that Daughter didn't call and bug me all day.  That was truly a gift.  She's here now, as I picked her up this evening. 

It was a very pleasant day. 

The End of Silence

Case Manager called.  She had cc'd me in an email to Daughter's day program reminding them that they are not to be taking Daughter home when she complains.  She pointed out there was a signed statement from me laying out criteria for Daughter leaving program early:  documented fever, or witnessed vomiting.  She called to ask me not to respond to it.  I asked her why.  Was I satisfied with her answer?  Not really. 

What I did learn:

1. Home isn't planning to kick Daughter out at this point.  (Yes, there have been discussions.)

2. They can't control how long it takes to get Daughter into therapy.

3. She will take Daughter's cell phone away from her if she continues to be verbally abusive to me.

4. She is aware Daughter is playing the staff at her program, and is seeking to address that. 

5. She claims they recognize that I have provided care and resources for Daughter and they're not disputing that.  I'm not convinced.  I still see a power struggle, and think they want me to have less say.  Her call asking me not to respond to emails has more to it than that she is going to take care of it so I didn't need to get involved.  Yes, I'm paranoid. 

Silence

I asked in one of the team emails what the Home Owner suggested regarding Daughter's need for test strips to cover lows.  She not responded.  The silence has been deafening.  Yesterday the dietitian emailed me privately for my input before she goes to the house to address the issue with lunches.  I thanked her for contacting me, and we are definitely on the same page.  Maybe they will hear from her what they refuse to hear from me. 

It is frustrating.  The Case Manager is also silent.  She was at the house Wednesday evening, and I half expected a phone call from her yesterday telling me I had to move Daughter.  She is silent, too. 

Daughter was distressed yesterday by my unenthusiastic greeting.  I told her that her behavior and verbal abuse of me had hurt, and that she had a lot of work to do to earn my trust.  She was super cooperative yesterday.  She did some shredding, folded and stuffed over 100 bulletins, cut out crafts for our Friday evening children's program, and helped construct a time machine out of 2 furniture boxes. 

I will pick her up this evening for the Friday evening children's program, and then take her back.  I'm going to my college homecoming tomorrow, and will pick her up tomorrow evening for Sunday.  She's not thrilled, but continues to be cooperative. 

Grrrr.....

Home Owner continues to ration out Daughter's test strips, and claims there aren't enough for her to test and treat for low blood sugars.  She also is insisting on taking Daughter to a podiatrist--because she has diabetes. 

I have explained that I am concerned that Daughter will seize on her need for a podiatrist as another opportunity to say "Woe is me.  I am a diabetic."  I have explained that the more they seek to control, the more Daughter will feel the need to rebel and prove she can't be controlled. 

Apparently, though, since I am the mother who failed to consequence her and get her the professional help that would cure her, I am not credible.  

Today's Accusation

Daughter called me around lunch time.  She yelled at me and hung up.  Today's transgression?  I had updated the team on what I knew about the food issues.  Case Manager was all over it, and so one of the staff at her program had had a conversation with her about it. 

Now Home Owner wants to search her bags when she comes into the house.  I suggested that she could try that, but I thought that Daughter would probably see it as a challenge and come up with new ways to sneak food into the house.  We're also having an ongoing conversation about specialists.  Now they think she should be seeing a podiatrist quarterly.  She isn't having any problems with her feet.  Taking her to lots of doctors gives her lots of opportunities to complain about how hard her life is and how bad she has it.  I try to emphasize her health and her abilities, so I don't seek out specialists unless there is a need. 

I was away from my computer for an extended stretch today, and when I came back to it I discovered that there had been a bunch of emails from various team members about the whole situation.  I'm so glad they think they can control Daughter's eating.  I wish them luck.  I did remind them, though, that every time they tighten up Daughter takes her frustration out on me.  She makes them promises and then calls to tell me I have no right to talk about her and I'm horrible and she hates me.  I limit her opportunities to do that and am very firm about cutting her off.  It does take a toll, though. 

"Back Stabber"

Daughter called this morning, outraged because Staff didn't believe her when she insisted she hadn't been into any food that caused her blood sugar to be high this morning.  She was playing up the persecuted victim.  I cut her off and told her to stop it.  I pointed out she'd claimed she wasn't into any food after she bought the candy, and when she was taking food out of the pantry.  I told her I agreed with Staff, and suggested she tell the truth about the food she'd been into.  She yelled, "Back Stabber," and hung up on me.  That should guaranteed me a day free of phone calls from her.  It will be evening before she cools down enough to call and apologize. 

I think she's trying to get herself hospitalized.  This is the longest she's gone in years without a hospitalization.  She hasn't been in the hospital in the three years we've been here.  I was hospitalized with a broken arm in May, and last week she couldn't come for the weekend because I had a sore throat.  She wants some of the attention.  It's not going to work, and tonight I will inform her of that. 

Another Good Sunday

I'm enjoying the sermon series on Exodus that I'm doing this fall, and the congregation seems to be enjoying it, too.  People are beginning to add events to our timeline, which is nice.  Our attendance is steadily growing.  When I arrived, we had several families leave because I was a woman.  The first year was rough, as both giving and attendance were down.  It's wonderful to see the congregation moving forward. 

Today we had a fellowship meal, and at my suggestion we had a baked potato bar.  From the number of people who stayed for the meal, I think we will do this particular meal again.  There is an energy and excitement which is great.  We had a man who worshiped with us for the second time today.  He is a minister on disability, and unable to drive.  He is living with family 13 miles from the church.  He would like to join the choir.  The choir decided today if a family member brings him to choir, one of them will take him home.  The choir director is excited because he's going to have to add some chairs to accommodate the new choir members this year. 

I'm excited because we have more children who are attending regularly.  One of our young women shared with me that she felt God calling her in a new direction.  Today she completed some training that gets her started in that new direction.  It's wonderful to see her stepping out in new directions in response to this call. 

This is pastor appreciation month, which is nice and I appreciate their kind words.  I keep telling them, though, that I am very grateful to be serving with them.  It's a wonderful place to be.  They are so good with Daughter.  Once we get to the church, I don't see her, as she is off collecting hugs and singing in the choir.  I'm rambling-- I think it's time to head to bed....

Confession

I received a text this evening that the house was concerned about the very high blood sugars Daughter was having today  (over 300 before supper).  When I picked her up this evening, I asked her what she'd been eating.  She did the standard denials, and then confessed to buying candy while on an outing yesterday.  She told staff it was for the house.  I made her call the house and confess, and tell staff where the candy was so they could removed it. 

I get so tired of this.  So tired. 

Food

Daughter wanted to come cook supper for me.  I informed her that until she could keep herself safe around food, she wouldn't be cooking.  She is not happy, but she did not dispute that she has somehow managed to get into food this week.  She has informed me she just won't come here today.  That's fine with me, though I suspect she will change her mind. 

I'm finally getting some work done in the kitchen, which is nice.  I'm also figuring out my diet rotation.  It is challenging, as I knew it would be, but I think I'm coming up with something that will work for me.  I have to rotate food over 3 days, so I'm not eating the same things, which can cause new sensitivities to develop.  I'm going to have meat one of those three days.  One day my protein will come from nuts, one day it will come from beans.  I'm going to have to do some tweaking, but I think I have something that will work. 

Yesterday we ate out, and I chose a Mexican restaurant.  I had bean burritos and asked them to use corn tortillas.  I also had rice and salsa.  I suspect there was something I was sensitive to, as I had some cramping in the afternoon, but it didn't create problems.  It was nice to know there are restaurants where I can find food I can eat. 

A Day Off

A member of the congregation and I went to an art show today.  We thoroughly enjoyed it.  We did lots of walking and took lots of pictures.  We saw some amazing works of art.  It was a wonderful way to spend my day off.  I haven't decided what I'm going to do about Daughter this weekend.  She wants to come tomorrow, but I may wait until Sunday morning. 

Her blood sugars indicate she has found a new way to get into food.  I'm going to let the team figure it out.  They are convinced they can cure her-- go right ahead.

All the walking wore me out, so I think it will be an early night for me.  I think I will do more artsy things with the woman I went to the art show with.  We had a wonderful time. 

Resolved

As  I anticipated, Case Manager was all over the strip situation.  She called Home Owner, and informed us in an email that there were other issues here and it was being addressed.  I dropped Daughter off after choir, and she quickly called me to tell me they had received the strips.  "Now I can relax." 

I guess we'll find out in a month if Home Owner has dealt with the issues that are leading to the monthly strip crisis. 

We have a man in the congregation who just retired as head of IT for a major insurance company.  He is bored, and looking for things to do.  He has offered his IT expertise to us.  I have been frustrated with my inability to sync the calendar on my android with the calendar in Outlook.  I've attempted several different things, and done a little research, but have never been successful.  So, I took him up on his offer.  He spent several hours at the church today trying to figure it out.  He went home and did some more research.  Next Thursday morning he will come in and get my phone talking to Outlook.  I am delighted to have this close to being resolved.  I thanked him for not solving it immediately, as it made me feel a little less incompetent to see that there isn't an easy fix for it. 

With my new computer I subscribed to Office 365.  My IT retiree sold me on the usefulness of SkyDrive, and yesterday I installed the new Office on my old computer.  That took some time since I kept getting different error messages, but I finally managed to fix the issues so it would install.  I think my computer will be spending more nights in my office at the church now.  I like being able to pick up where I left off on multiple computers....

Daughter's Wisdom

Yesterday evening Daughter informed me I needed to give her some test strips for the old meter, as she only had enough test strips to last today.  I informed her that they should be able to order them from the pharmacy.  She said Staff told her that the pharmacy wouldn't deliver strips anymore. 

To say I was unhappy would be an understatement.  I sent out one of my emails today to Home Owner, Case Manager and Nurse.  I pointed out that Daughter should always have at least 3 extra strips to cover low blood sugars and that relying on me to come up with strips at the last minute was not a good plan. I  said I was getting tired of the monthly strip crisis.

I picked up Daughter this morning for her volunteer day at the church.  I explained to her that I'd spent hours trying to straighten things out last month, and I was frustrated that they were not planning ahead and figuring things out before the crisis.  She said, "They're just like the government."  I thought that was good insight on the current shutdown.....

Finally

I mowed the back yard this afternoon.  It's not pretty, but it's mowed.  I also found enough ripe raspberries to make a raspberry crisp, which tastes pretty good.  I have a bunch more tomatoes and some more peppers, too.  I'll make tomato sauce with the tomatoes.  I'm now eating some tomatoes, and so far haven't had any problems with them. 

I woke up at 4:00 this morning to empty my bladder, and then began wondering when it was I was supposed to be writing the stewardship letter.  I couldn't remember, and was afraid it was this week.  I laid there in my bed trying to figure out what I would say in the letter.  Administrative Assistant and I sat down with the calendar this morning to map out what needs to happen between now and the end of the year.  We even listed out the newsletter articles that need to be written for November.  I'll write the stewardship letter the week of October 14, which is 2 weeks before it needs to go out.  We have the graphic and theme for this year's campaign, so we're in pretty good shape.  I think the treasurer has all the information he needs to put together the preliminary budget.  The past two years we've had major increases due to growth in staff.  This year our program growth is fueled by volunteers, so we won't have the increase in budget.  So, as of now, I'm optimistic about this year's campaign. 

Daughter seems to be doing well right now, so I'm getting fewer phone calls.  I like that.  It enables me to get more work done, and come home and do things like mow the lawn.   I even stopped by the grocery store on my way home. 

My throat is still a little sore, but I'm drinking hot tea and not letting it slow me down.  It's nice to feel better and be able to move forward. 

Dragging

I'm still dragging some, but even dragging, it was a great Sunday.   Three couples were on a trip together (visiting former members who moved out of the area)  and we had other people traveling as well, so attendance was down some.  Even so, it was a great Sunday.  I love the energy that is in the church right now. 

We have a 3 year old who comes up for the children's sermon.  She is interesting.  She is in love with the 4 year old boy in the church, so last Sunday instead of listening to the man who was doing the children's sermon, the two of them were laying on the floor on their stomachs with their heads propped up on their arms gazing into one another's eyes.  This week her boyfriend was hope sick, so she was trying to answer every question, and ask a few of her own.  The only problem is that she is a young 3, and I have difficulty understanding everything she says.  Plus, there are times when it isn't really connected with what I'm talking about.  She was quite lively today. 

There were also a number of joys and concerns prior to the prayers of the people this morning.  One of  our members who had major surgery last summer was with us today, and thanked us for our prayers.  She has recovered well from her brain surgery.  There were concerns for the woman who had a seizure last Sunday.  I told them I'd talked to her this week, and she had told me that as they wheeled her out on the gurney, she could feel the love of the congregation surrounding her and supporting her.  We had visitors who were asking for prayers this morning.  One of the visitors was talking to the choir director about joining the choir. 

I had picked Daughter up prior to church, but she didn't want to wait around for me to finish leading the discussion group.  She asked if she could find someone else to take her home.  A woman overheard the conversation and volunteered to drop her off.

I cancelled the class I was going to teach this afternoon.  It's going to be a quiet, relaxing afternoon.  Hopefully by Tuesday I will feel like I've beaten this bug.  My throat is definitely better today, so I'm hoping. 

.

Slow

My recovery from the sore throat is not nearly as rapid as I would like.  It still hurts quite a bit.  I really need to mow the backyard, but not today.  I think I'll cancel tomorrow afternoon's commitment, too.  I'm spending another day drinking hot tea and taking it easy.  Today I'm making Christmas ornaments with poly-clay.  I'm experimenting with penguins. 

Daughter called this morning, and the good news is she didn't bug me about getting her today.  I'm grateful.  I suspect that this is a virus, which is one of the reasons I'm not feeling much better.  The throat is not as sore, but I've also begun to cough....

It looks like a beautiful fall day outside.  If I felt better, I'd definitely be out working in the yard.  I'm enjoying the peace and quiet.  I'm a little surprised.  Daughter doesn't have her TV, so I'm not sure how she is entertaining herself today.  Maybe they are doing activities at the house today.  They do have a second staff member now, which is good.