Music

Daughter was up early this morning, and put away the clean dishes without arguing. As she was working in the kitchen, she was singing with her ipod. It was rather disconcerting to hear her singing Christmas songs in June. It was wonderful, though, to hear her so happy. Last night she snuggled up next to me to watch some TV. I find myself wondering if that is what made the difference this morning. It would be nice if I could figure out what enables her to suddenly turn things around and be happy and cooperative.

The Gift of the Moment

I was talking to a member on the phone yesterday. She had surgery recently, and is now dealing with a painful, annoying complication. She said she kept praying for God to take away the pain and help her get beyond this. I asked her what there is for her to learn in this. That slowed her down and got her thinking. By the end of our conversation, she expressed regret that she'd waited so long to call me.

.

The conversation made me start pondering the number of times we miss the gift/lesson of the moment because we're in such a hurry to move beyond it. Since the end of January I've been anxiously awaiting the day when this round of bed wetting is over. Yet what have I learned in it? I've been reminded, again, that I cannot control Daughter. She is going to make decisions that are bad for her and annoying for me, and I can't stop it. I have been reminded, again, that she is not her behavior. I love her-- even when she's wetting the bed every night.

.

I think about this long wait for a call to a new position. What have I learned in this time of waiting? I have learned to live in expectation while being present in the moment. While I wait, I need to be present and engaged in ministry with these people at this time. I need to continued to learn the lessons there are for me here, even though I know that I may not be here for all the plans that are currently being made. I have 2 weddings on the calendar that I hope will be done by someone else following my departure. For now, though, I am here and will engage with these people in their plans.

.

I continue to learn how to juggle multiple priorities. Today I moved Daughter's appointment with Psychiatrist. I can do PT and get my stomach scoped on Monday, but then going 50 miles to Big City for Psychiatrist would be too much. She's not going to make any changes while Daughter is stressed out because of the impending oral surgery, anyway.

.

I am learning how to plan for continuity if I get called away. I am teaching a course on Revelation at a conference soon. I'm preparing it in such a way that someone else can step in to teach it if Daughter stages a crisis to pull me away from the course.

.

Too often we endure our lives while we wait for the thing that is going to make life perfect. I hope that the woman I spoke with yesterday is experiencing the gift of the moment. My words to her have certainly been cause for fruitful reflection in my life. That's the way ministry works sometimes.

Victory!

This morning Daughter got up before I did. When she heard me up and moving, she said, "I'm making it up to you by making breakfast." I told her to stop. I came downstairs to find her pouting. I explained to her that I didn't want her making a mess in the kitchen until she showed she could be responsible about cleaning. I explained I don't have time to clean up her mess when I'm forced to do her other chores.

.

She apologized and promised to turn it around this evening. I suggested she had a task she could do before she left. She refused, and went out to wait for the bus 40 minutes early. Shortly after lunch she called, and apologized again, promising to do a better job. Then she told me she wanted me to come pick her up, because she was having issues with a friend. I thanked her for the apology and told her I had confidence in her ability to make it through the rest of the day.

.

I checked her bedroom today, and discovered that at some point she had managed to get my old laptop up into her bedroom. She's not allowed to take it upstairs. I confiscated it. The rest of her room was okay. When she got home, she went right to work. She even used cleaner on the hardwood floors in the downstairs hall. I fixed one of her summer favorites for supper. She is frustrated because I haven't let her turn on the TV yet, but she is being responsible, and was even honest about having gotten into some food. It looks like I won this time. I'm sure she won't give me much time to savor the victory.

Miscalculating

Daughter miscalculated tonight. She hid in her room all evening, avoiding work, and than 30 minutes past her normal bedtime, came downstairs to offer me a heart felt apology. "I'm really, really sorry for being such a jerk."
.
"What are you going to do about it?"
.
"I promise that I'll turn things around and have a better attitude tomorrow evening."
.
"I think you need to start tonight. Go unpack that suitcase."
.
She crossed her arms, the attitude returning. "I don't have time."
.
"I say you do. Go empty it. I'm tired of you coming down at the end of the day and saying you'll do better tomorrow. You can start right now."
.
She was not happy to find that her work avoidance strategy had failed, but she finally emptied the suitcase she's been avoiding since Sunday evening. At least, I think she did. I haven't been up to inspect.

Waiting

Daughter is anxious about the upcoming removal of her wisdom teeth. It's going to be a very long week as we wait for the date to arrive. This morning she called telling me she couldn't take it and her mouth was hurting too much and I had to come get her. Sub was there, not Super Supervisor. I told her she needed to focus on other things and find something to keep her busy.

.

When she came home (she lasted through the day), she told me she needed to get out of there and go back to Adult Daycare. She was reprimanded for the high heeled sandals she was wearing when she wandered into the workshop to wait for the bus home. They have to wear close toed shoes at the workshop. She was mad at me for pointing out that the rules still apply to her when she's at the workshop.

.

So she's sleeping. She got up off the couch, looked at the chore list I offered, and stormed upstairs to sleep in her bed. The real issue: she's terrified of the upcoming dental procedure. I'm not looking forward to it, either. Daughter doesn't wait well. It will be a long week.

The Tic Is Back

I am remembering why it is that I don't deal with my own medical needs. We spent 4 1/2 hours on the oral surgeon today, and she'll go back on the 30th to get all 4 wisdom teeth pulled. Insurance should pay for 2 of the 4 (and the 2 most expensive at that). I'm supposed to be going to PT 3 times a week. I'm trying to schedule that at 8:00 in the morning to minimize the disruption of my work day. That means I need to drag Daughter with me, have her sit in the waiting room, and then drop her off at the gift shop. Monday I will do PT at 8:00, have my stomach scoped at 11:00, and then drive Daughter to Big City to see Psychiatrist at 3:00. The schedule is going to be exceedingly tight: PT is 11 miles west, scope is 21 miles east, Psychiatrist is 45 miles west. I won't be able to drive, so that will make it more challenging. If I could get her rescheduled before mid-July, I'd probably cancel the appointment with Psychiatrist. I could probably reschedule my scope, but I hate to do it on a work day, and if it will be the middle of July before I can get another appointment because of our travel schedule.

.

I also have PT scheduled for Wednesday next week. That will have to be cancelled, as Daughter is getting her wisdom teeth out at 8:15 that morning. That will probably take the entire day. We'll have to leave home at 6:15 to make sure we're there on time. She will be asleep for the procedure. You add those meds to her others, and it will be a while before I can safely maneuver her to the car for the long drive home. Managing her blood sugar could be a challenge, too.

.

I'll see about rescheduling the PT for Tuesday, since I doubt I'm going to be able to get very far from home on Thursday. Daughter does not do well with pain, and she can't handle narcotic pain medication. I anticipate her being a Clingon. A very demanding, annoying Clingon. She'll want full body contact with me, and it's too hot and humid for that, even with air conditioning.

.

She is also seeing Therapist weekly right now, so I'll have to fit that into the schedule as well. I have a full time job. I mean a full time job in addition to being Daughter's mom. I still have orders for a hearing test and mammogram for me. I don't think I'll try to schedule them right now. Yes, the tic is back....

A Busy Day

We begin the morning by heading west for my PT at 8:00. I will drop Daughter at the gift shop following PT, and head north for an oil change. I'll go hang out in a fast food establishment and work on the Bible study I'm teaching in a couple of weeks while they change the oil in my car. After fast food lunch, I'll go pick up Daughter and drive 2 hours northeast to take her to the oral surgeon for the consult. It will be a long day, but it will be good to get the oil change and oral surgeon consult behind us.

.

Daughter got up twice during the night to go to the bathroom. She is so proud of herself for being dry. I hope that will continue now. I always hope. Eventually she will put the bed wetting behind her-- at least this round of it. I suspect it will always be a problem during times of extreme stress.

.

It's a beautiful, sunny day, and life is good. If I stay here in Tiny Village or move, life is good. The church I interviewed with is in a state capital. I think that's what I'll call it, State Capital. Hopefully I'll be using that a lot in the future.

Home

We arrived home about 5:30 this evening. Worship this morning went well. The committee loved my sermon and some of the things I had written. Sister came and sat with Daughter, and then took her out for lunch and shopping. The committee and I went out for a wonderful brunch together. It was a very relaxed meal. I feel very comfortable with these people.

.

When we parted company, I joined Sister and Daughter at the mall, and after our visit, headed home. It was a good weekend. I'm excited by the possibilities. I'm also very tired. Tomorrow is the start of a very full week. I should hear on this position within a month or so. I promised to hold them in my prayers as they seek to find the individual God is calling to be their pastor. Selfishly, I hope it's me. Faithfully, I trust God to know what is best.

The Eleven and a Half Hour Interview

We were picked up at 8:30 this morning, and got back to the motel at 8:00 this evening. It was a wonderful day. We met with the judicatory people this morning at 9:00. They cleared me for this church with no concerns or reservations. Then we went to lunch, and to the church for the formal interview. It was long, and I had a blast, sharing my perspectives and ideas. From there we had a tour of the church and community. I was impressed with both.

.

Then tonight we went out for a wonderful dinner in an old building that had been renovated and repurposed. I'm tired tonight, but I was energized all day. I like these people and this place.

.

Daughter has done very well. It was a long, boring, day for her, and she was a champ. Tomorrow morning starts at 8:00. I meet them at the church, and the one committee member who was not there today will ride with us to my friend's church. After worship, we'll all go out to eat. It will be fun. Sister may drive over for the morning. She may even bring Short Niece with her. It would be great to see them.

.

After worship and lunch, we will head back to Tiny Village. I should hear from the church within the next month. If the call is offered, I will jump all over it. I hope it does come, but I know that God will call me to the right place at the right time. So if it doesn't come, I will know that this was not the right place for us. Hopefully, that means I won't get depressed if the call doesn't come.

The Motel

We arrived at our friends' home yesterday evening about 5:00. We went out to eat and then to an outdoor concert that featured a brass band. It was a beautiful evening, and we thoroughly enjoyed it. Today we went to see Toy Story 3, and then went for ice cream. My friend and I spent a little time talking about Sunday's service, since it will be at the church she serves as pastor.

.

Then we loaded up the car and drove about 45 minutes to our motel. I haven't lived within 45 minutes of my friend since we were in seminary together, and that was over 25 years ago. It would be wonderful to be this close!

.

When we arrived here, there was a gift basket of local delicacies waiting for us-- and it included sugar free candy and no sugar added apple butter. Daughter's face lit up. "They know I'm a diabetic! They thought about me!" I was up too late last night, so it will be an early night tonight. They are picking us up at 8:30, and our first interview is at 9:00. It will be a full day. I'm looking forward to finally meeting these good people who were so thoughtful in the gift basket they provided us.

.

Yesterday I had an email from a church in a distant state wondering if I was still available and interested in their position. I hope I'm not. I hope that I'm going to be planning a move soon. I need to remember that God will provide the right place at the right time.

Packing

This afternoon we will leave to go visit some friends before heading to the community where I have an interview. The interview starts Saturday, and will conclude Sunday afternoon. They have made motel reservations for us for Friday and Saturday nights. I told Daughter about the interview during her appointment with Therapist yesterday evening. Interestingly, Daughter had already figured it out. Amazing what she can and can't figure out with her IQ of 68.

.

She really wants to move. Therapist spelled out quite clearly what her role was this weekend. During the formal interview Saturday morning, Daughter will be entertaining herself in another room or the hall. Therapist told her she could call me and interrupt the interview. Daughter didn't know if she could do that. Therapist told her she has to call Therapist before she calls me. Therapist realizes she has just guaranteed that Daughter will call her Saturday morning, and she's okay with that. We're very fortunate to have Therapist.

.

I'm getting excited, and confess that I'm a little bit anxious. I know that God will call me to the right place at the right time just as God did with my first two calls. It would be nice if I knew where and when that would be, but that's not the way faith works. This church would be challenging, but there is so much about it that I like, from their commitment to mission to their embrace of new styles of worship. Their interim pastor has done excellent work helping them heal from past conflicts. For those of you who pray, I'd ask that you pray that God's will would be done and that Daughter and I would experience peace this weekend.

Wisdom Teeth

Probably 5 years ago the dentist told me I needed to get Daughter's wisdom teeth pulled. He also told me that he didn't know anyone who would take her medicaid. Over the years I have attempted to find someone several times, but have always given up. About a week ago Daughter began to complain about her wisdom teeth again. They are only partially through her gums, and once again, the gums are red and irritated. I told her I'd try again to find an oral surgeon. I started by calling the state help line for medicaid. They told me there wasn't anyone in my county. They gave me names and numbers of people in nearby counties.

.

I began making phone calls. Many wouldn't take medicaid. Some would take medicaid from people who lived in their county, but not people outside of it. Because she has medicaid, if they accept any medicaid at all, they can't treat her and take money for it. My insurance may cover the extractions, but again, because she has secondary coverage that is medicaid, they refuse to see her.

.

I found one who didn't take any medicaid, so that wasn't a problem, but they didn't take my insurance. I finally found one 2 hours away who takes my insurance and doesn't take any medicaid. We have an appointment for Monday afternoon for x-rays and consult. Hopefully he'll be able to tell me if my insurance will cover it. If not, I guess I'll find the money to pay for it out of pocket. It took 2 calls to the state (yes, I had to wait on hold), many phone calls to oral surgeons around the region, and most of my morning, but I found one.

.

Medicaid is supposed to assure that Daughter always has access to medical care. Instead, it has become a barrier. I go on this rant about once a year. It doesn't change anything, but it makes me feel better. Hopefully we'll be able to get Daughter's wisdom teeth removed and the process will be fairly easy, or as easy as it can be for a type 1 diabetic who can't handle narcotic pain killers and has to travel 2 hours to get to the oral surgeon.

Improvement

Yesterday was a much better evening. I pointed out some things Daughter hadn't done properly on her chores, she stormed upstairs, yelling about how I was calling her a failure, and was back down within 5 minutes to do the tasks properly. I complimented her on turning her attitude around, and she said, "And it didn't even take me very long!" She even acknowledged later that I had pointed out things she had not done the first time.

.

So what's the difference? I'm not going to have surgery on my knee. The thought of me having surgery was terrifying for her. Maybe, just maybe, she'll be able to hold it together this weekend. That would be nice. The tic is gone this morning, for which I'm very grateful.

The Tic

I have a tic in my left eye. It's been bad for the last week or so. It is caused by stress. I am a very laid back individual. I don't get stressed very often, and the tic is quite unusual. It's better tonight, probably because Daughter came home in a good mood and is having a better evening. I realized today that right now my life revolves around avoiding anything that would cause Daughter to escalate.

.

This weekend I have an interview, and I have been pondering how best to deal with it with Daughter. She doesn't know about it yet. I considered arranging respite, but the respite providers have been so uneven, and it could quickly become a disaster. Her anxiety level would be sky high with me gone, and she'd be suspicious as to why I was gone. If I was honest and told her it was for an interview, her anxiety level would reach at least to the moon. I could see her calling me constantly, and if she got mad, doing something to get herself into the hospital. She's managed to convince others she needs to be in the hospital twice this year. Either one of those scenarios would sabotage my chances of getting this call. Minimum wage workers cannot be expected to handle her mental health issues when her anxiety is that high.

.

So I decided I need to take her with me. There are advantages to this. She is still anxious, but because she knows what's going on, it's not quite as high. The committee will be able to see how I function and balance her needs with other responsibilities. I will get to see how the committee responds to her. She is capable of entertaining herself outside of the meetings. As long as she knows where I am and what I'm doing, she doesn't need to be right next to me. I've already talked to this committee about Daughter and her needs and how I juggle parenting and ministry.

.

So this afternoon Sister called. She wanted to know if I was ready for the weekend. I don't remember how it came up, but she found out Daughter would be with me for the interview. She had a fit. She wants me to leave Daughter with the friend we'll be visiting Thursday night and Friday. I told her I wouldn't do that, and explained why. She kept pushing and pushing. I finally said, "My own sisters are afraid to keep Daughter, how can I ask a friend to keep her for two nights?" She backed down, and insisted she thought I was just talking about a couple of hours, and pointed out that she's been willing to keep Daughter for a couple of hours in the past. She didn't offer this time, though, and we will be within an hour of her.

.

Then she started in on Psychiatrist and how I need to make her fix Daughter. I told her she could take me for my scope and Daughter for her Psychiatrist's appointment that afternoon. She's going to check her calendar and see if her ex-mother-in-law would keep Short Niece. She's not sure she has enough miles left on her lease to do it (it would be about 350 miles round trip). She'd have to come down that morning and go back that night. She'd love to give Psychiatrist a piece of her mind. I notice it's not a problem for me to dump Daughter on a friend, but she won't bring her daughter or spend the night with us. The tic was bad by the time I finished our phone conversation.

.

I tried to change the Psychiatrist appointment today, but it would be pushed way back. I think tomorrow I'll call and see about rescheduling my scope. I think keeping Daughter's appointment with Psychiatrist is more important for my stomach's health than the scope at this point. Hopefully I won't have to push it back too far if I do reschedule.

.

I took Daughter to a strawberry festival sponsored by a friend's church for supper tonight. While we were eating, Far Away Sister called. We were in a noisy cafeteria, so I told her I'd call her back in a little bit. I couldn't help but wonder if Sister had called her and told her to call and make me figure out something else for Daughter during the interview, but Far Away Sister didn't bring it up when I called her back.

.

I am very much aware that the stress with Daughter is taking a toll on my health. I was going to schedule respite for this week, but realized that would lead her to escalate, too, and she'd be punishing me when I was trying to make a good impression with the committee this weekend. I find myself wondering how a move would go with her present state of mental health. Thinking about that causes the tic to start going. So I'm not going to worry about it. If God gives me the call, God will help with the transition.

Concrete Thinking

I had an interesting discussion with Daughter yesterday morning. She claimed she was dry. I asked her to bring down her de.pends to prove it. She did, and it was soaked. I pointed this out. She protested, saying the bed wasn't wet. I said that meant the De.pends had soaked up all the urine, not that she hadn't wet herself.

.

At bedtime last night, the issue came up again. "I didn't wet last night!."

.

"Yes, you did. Your de.pends was soaked."

.

"But my bed wasn't wet!"

.

"Tonight I want you to get up and go to the bathroom so your de.pends isn't wet either."

.

This morning her de.pends was dry. She's wearing her new outfit and talking about how much she loves the colors. She pointed out that she had a headband and bands that matched it. She's singing "Lord of the Dance" as she gets ready to leave. Maybe today will be a better day. The morning already has been better.

Grace

I was getting some new capri pants for myself today, and bought a pair for Daughter. She has been asking for new clothes, and I have been pointing out that she doesn't need them and challenging her to earn them. I had gotten rid of several pairs of my own last year, and one pair that I had kept was too big for me, which is why I bought new ones for myself. It's a moment of grace. I didn't say anything, I just hung the new outfit in her bedroom. She was delighted.

.

She says she had a good day today. Maybe she'll have a good evening tonight. If not, at least she'll have a new outfit to wear tomorrow, and maybe it will remind her that I love her even when she doesn't deserve it. I love her because she's my Daughter, and no matter what she does, she will always be my Daughter.

Growing Old

I have an old knee. Old knees get arthritis. Arthritis hurts. That's the short version of my doctor's appointment today. I'm going to do 4 weeks of PT to see if that helps. Anti-inflammatory medications would be helpful, but since they are suspected of being the source of my stomach issues, I can't take them right now. He could explain the location of my pain. That area shouldn't hurt. Not only am I old, I'm weird. Painful knees is one of the downsides of growing old, but this morning I also was honored by one of the upsides.

.

This congregation has deep roots, and people who have moved away often come back for visits. I always welcome them home, because this is still their home base, even when they've lived the majority of their lives elsewhere. There is a young woman, Grad, who has been here numerous times with her parents. Both of her parents grew up in the church. I've spoken to her when she's been here, and watched her grow up. She was 12 or 13 the first time I met her. I've probably seen her less than 30 times, and never have had an extended, sit-down conversation with her.

.

Today, I received notification that she'd tagged me in a photo on facebook. I was surprised, as I've never had my picture taken with her, but I followed the link. She graduated from college this weekend. There was a picture of the top of her mortarboard with a bunch of names written on it in white, including my name. The caption read "All the Women in my life who got me to graduation day. Thanks." Wow.

Progress

I have someone who is willing to come stay with Daughter for 30 minutes tomorrow morning while she waits for the bus.

.

Daughter and I had a real conversation. She told me she wants attention from me. I pointed out that her actions are pushing me away, and suggested cooperation, honesty, and a request would get her further. She acknowledged that she could have stopped the seizure on Friday. I decided it would be easier to get her to admit that than that she faked the whole thing.

.

Of course, by tomorrow morning, she may well have forgotten everything we discussed. For tonight, I'll have hope.

A Dilemma

I have an appointment at 8:30 tomorrow morning with the orthopedic surgeon in City. I'll have to leave about 7:45. When I made the appointment, I thought I could leave Daughter alone for a few minutes until the bus arrived. But right now she's telling me in every way she can not to trust her. Last night she got up during the night, found the keys, and raided the file cabinet where I have my chocolate. Then she lied to me about it. She told me she wasn't in it, and I just looked at her and said, "Bring it back." She pulled out the bag. I said, "The stealing and lying have to stop."

I decided I wanted to eat out today, and that I needed to go the grocery store, so I took her with me. At the restaurant she checked her blood sugar. When I asked what it was, she told me 69. I told her I needed to see the meter. It was 169. I don't want to drag her with me to City. I had planned to stop and pick up a few things on the way home. Right now, I don't want her in the same room with me, let alone in the car and such.

.

As we left the restaurant she said, "I have an idea, why don't we make each other's lives hell this summer." I asked what I was doing to make her life hell. She couldn't tell me. I pointed out she was the only one who was making her life hell. She observed that she'd spent most of the summer in the deep hole. I acknowledged that was true, and she was the only one who could get herself out.

.

She's doing chores now, hoping to finally pay off the ipod. I'd like to think she was turning it around. But she rallied yesterday evening to become somewhat cooperative, too. Until she started her midnight wanderings. I thought her door alarm was set last night. I may have slept through it, or she may have disarmed it. I'll have to double check tonight. I guess I can look forward to her company when I go to City tomorrow.

.

On a brighter note, I was pleased with the way worship went this morning. We had several visitors-- people who grew up in the church and have moved away. In fact, we had 3 different family groups represented. My trial sermon for next Sunday will be on Elijah's burnout. I think I'll be able to relate to that one.

Why Try?

Sometime back I carefully wrapped Daughter's mattress in plastic shower curtains and secured them with packing tape. I have multiple layers of protection on the bed. I have been buying De.pends. She soaks through them, but it minimizes the urine that gets on the linens. So this morning I went up to her room. I really should know better, but I went into her room.

.

There was a puddle of urine on the plastic. The plastic had been pulled off at the foot of the bed, and the mattress is again soaked. Apparently she doesn't like wearing De.pends. I have spent many dollars trying to minimize the damage and inconvenience. The damage and inconvenience are the point. I can't win. The house is going to stink of urine. She wins.

.

I was going to wash her hair today, but I don't want to be near her right now. She gave me a list this morning. If she completed certain chores she wanted me to take her to the store so she could buy things for making jewelry. Of course, she still hasn't paid off the ipod. I pointed out that she had left it where Kitten could chew up the earphones. She informed me she knew that. Walking helps me when I'm angry, but thanks to my wonderful knee, I can't do much walking right now. Thanks to my stomach issues, I can't take the medication that will relieve my pain.

.

Today is one of those days when I wish I had alternatives. I'm on vacation this week, and I'm going to check Monday to see if I can arrange respite for a night or two. I need to get away from her right now. I've been listening to podcasts today. That's helping.