The first email I opened this morning was from the owner of Daughter's house, saying she didn't think Daughter was in the right house and Daughter needed to be taught to take responsibility for her actions instead of being given excuses. It triggered my PTSD.
Daughter was in second grade. She was hallucinating snakes in her classroom. She was afraid to go into the bathroom. The only way to get her to bathe was to shower with her and stand between her and the drain. She believed her brothers were in the drain, and wanted to drag her down there. The only way she could sleep was when she was literally on top of me. That was when she began antipsychotics. It also was clear that we had to get her out of the large class and into a smaller one. The teacher insisted Daughter didn't have a problem, I did.
Daughter was cutting herself, and every day was a battle to get her to school. She had watched the Power Rangers, and decided if she wore pink like Kimberly, she would be powerful and could keep herself safe. I let her wear pink every day. We finally went into the assessment meeting with her therapist, an independent psychological evaluation (and had the psychologist at the meeting), a letter from the psychiatrist, and my sister, who taught emotionally handicapped children in another state. It was still over strong protests from the teacher that we got her into special ed.
I finally responded to the email from the House Owner, and apologized for my inadequate parenting. I quoted Daughter's apologies yesterday. "I know you are disappointed in me." "I know I'm sorry is not an eraser." "I know that I'm responsible for what I eat." "I know I'm digging myself into a deep hole, and I don't know why." "I knew I shouldn't eat that food, I don't know why I did." I think she might have an idea or two about her responsibility.
Case Manager has suggested we all cool off and revisit the issue on Tuesday, since the agency is closed for the holiday on Monday.
In other news, I have developed some plans to deal with the issues at the church, and my co-leader for the retreat tomorrow agrees that they are good ones.