Thursday, June 6, 2013

Profound Words from Daughter

Daughter was not in a very good mood this morning.  Apparently she's been on edge ever since her first conversation with Oldest Birth Brother.  He's been calling her, and last night he finally went too far.  He called, and she told him she was tired and was going to bed, she couldn't talk with him.  He then sent her a text saying he needed to talk to her.  She called him back and asked him what part of "tired and going to bed" he didn't understand.  She told him she would call him when and if she wanted to talk to him again.

As we talked, more came out.  He was planning a trip to come see her.  He had a date picked out, but wouldn't tell her when.  She'd given him her address, so he just planned to show up at her house and surprise her. 

Refusing to respect her boundaries and planning a surprise visit without her consent were powerful triggers.  I explained that she was reacting out of the past, and that he was once again refusing to respect her boundaries.  I told her he'd violated her boundaries in the past, and she wasn't going to put up with it.  He also was showing her a lack of respect, another echo from the past. 

She was looking for answers as to why things were so bad in her birth family.  I understand, and she needs to understand that they are real people, and she can't control their response or emotional demands on her.  I suggested she thought they were like a museum.   She could visit them, learn things, and then leave and be done with it.  She liked that analogy. 

We talked some about the fact that she'd been molested.  She talked about the problems that created with boy friends, because she wasn't comfortable being physical with them.  "They took something important away from me.  It's gone forever, and I can never get it back."  She's right.  They stole her innocence, her trust, her ability to enjoy the sexual. 

I said, "I'm sorry your family disappointed you again."  She said she was a disappointment, too.  I assured her that she is not a disappointment, she's my daughter.  It was a good conversation, but I can tell that the contact with OBB is weighing on her.  I have assured her that she will not have to see them or talk to them if they show up.  He is almost 40 and lives with his Paternal Grandmother.  She was planning to drive him here so they could both visit.

During the termination of parental rights case, OBB acknowledged molesting Daughter.  PG testified in court that her sweet OBB never did anything like that.  He's an angel.  She insisted the other brother must have done it, "There's something wrong with his brain.  He needs an operation on it."  I will do everything I can to prevent Daughter from having to see them if she doesn't want to.  She needs to feel safe and secure in her home, and if she's living in fear of them showing up on her doorstep, she won't. 


Anonymous said...

isn't she the one who contacted them and gave them her tel. and address???

Reverend Mom said...

Yes, she's the one who initiated contact and provided all the information they need to find her. She thought everything would be wonderful. She wasn't realistic, to say the least.

Miz Kizzle said...

A strongly worded warning from a person in authority (maybe the owner of her house) might do the trick, something that includes the words "Not welcome here," "police" and "stalking." She can block him on Facebook and block him from calling her. Neither he nor grandma sound like the brightest bulbs in the chandelier so maybe they'll just give up if they're threatened with prosecution for terrorizing a mentally disabled person. Maybe your DD learned an important lesson. I know she likes drama and being the center of attention, do you think she might be enjoying this a little bit or am I being too cynical?

Reverend Mom said...

I'm going to email the home owner and suggest something like that. I think Daughter enjoyed it initially, but I suspect she didn't anticipate his response. She's lost control of the situation and she's scared.