The Shadow

Sometimes it feels like diabetes is a shadow that hangs over everything we do. Monday Daughter called me from the bus. "Mom, I have a problem. I can tell my blood sugar is dropping."

"What is your blood sugar?"

"I can't check. The batteries on my meter are dead."

Now the batteries on her meter last a couple of years, so it's not something we think about very often. My mind immediately began to work on all angles of the problem: Did we have any AAA batteries in the house? It would be at least 30 minutes before the bus dropped her off, should I hop in the car and try to meet them someplace? If I were to pick her up, would that feed into the perception that diabetes is exceedingly dangerous and prevents her from leading a normal life? If I didn't pick her up, and she dropped further, would the workshop point to that as proof that I was an unconcerned parent who didn't take Daughter's health needs seriously enough? Were the bus aide and driver going to be able to stay calm?

"What was your blood sugar before you got on the bus?" I spoke calmly, seeking to gather more information.

"It was 113, and I ate some crackers."

"All right. I want you to eat another package of crackers and that should hold your blood sugar until you get home. You'll be fine."

When she arrived home, her blood sugar was 99. She'd been right, she was dropping. She'd eaten 30 grams of carb in the form of peanut butter crackers, and her blood sugar was still lower than it had been 90 minutes earlier. I had dug through the drawer on the TV cabinet and the electronics drawer, and had managed to find a couple of AAA batteries. I'm going to buy some more, and I will have her carry a package in her kit. Two years from now, she'll be prepared and can replace her batteries wherever she is when they fail.

The reality of our lives is that diabetes is always hanging over our head, like a shadow. There is always the concern that she will be someplace and won't have whatever it is she needs to handle a problem that comes up. Her kit is always supposed to be stocked with her meter, lancet, extra test strips, glucose tabs, emergency crackers, alcohol preps, an insulin pen, and pen needles. Occasionally, though, when things have been going smoothly, we relax. Then something happens to remind us that diabetes is always there, shadowing and impacting everything we do. I have worked hard to make as much of her care as possible her responsibility. She is responsible for keeping her kit supplied. That means that sometimes we've been out and she's had to wait to eat until we get home, because she's run out of test strips. I provide the supplies she needs, I do most of the calculations of carbs and insulin, but it is her disease. There is never a break.

Since Monday's low, her blood sugars have been running in range. The last two mornings her blood sugar has been 125, the best we've seen in a long time. I begin to wonder if maybe the reductions I've made in her insulin are working, and she's going to be stable for a while. I hope. But even when things are going well, even when we aren't fighting lows, she's testing and taking shots at least 5 times a day. Even when things are going well, I'm calculating the nutrition value of every bite she puts in her mouth (well, at least the ones I know about). Even when things are going well, the shadow is still there.